While
exploring this not yet familiar aspect
of the ancient issue of "being judged"....
I
read - and judged - on August 21:
in "One World - Puja Network, Voices for Change and Transformation"
"....I was especially moved by Abe. ... Abe is one of the most
caring and kind men that I've met in a very long time. I think he
stood out the most for me was because of something he taught me.
"To paint the full picture of Abe I have to describe
him a bit. Abe is built like a linebacker for the 49ers [see
what she means!] . He is BIG. He's also an Arab originally
from Egypt, living in Chicago. He has a serious scowl when he chooses,
and a smile that lights up the room too. In Gary's radio show, the
topic of judgment came up. Later in class Abe talked
about the amount of judgment that he experiences every day.
He talked honestly about the fact that everywhere he goes people
project their beliefs about all Arabs onto him before he's even
spoken a single word.
"Now, we all receive judgment. Our friends
and family and co-workers judge us all the time. They judge the
clothes we wear, our hairstyle, whether we are fat or thin, or are
poor or rich. It's just something people choose to do."
[For this stupid claim I'm
now judging you,
Cynthia Torp Director, The One World Puja Network!
People don't "just choose" to judge.
Judging others helps them to alleviate the pain
that they themselves feel when they are judged!]
"But when I got the level of judgment that
is directed at Abe everyday I was in awe of him. I'm not in awe
because he's figured out how to ignore it [to
ignore? to deny?] ,
I'm in awe because he is willing to learn how to be in allowance
[is that all we can do: to be in allowance?]
"for the insanity that this judgment is
[it's not helpful to judge
judgment as "insane" -
what would be helpful, dear co-worker Cynthia,
would be to go to the roots of "judging"
and feel and vibrate and womb all we feel
and then understand,
what we have to do about it, be it as judgers or be it as being
judged!!) - "and for himself. He knows that
it has nothing to do with the kind, caring, gentle man he is.
[Of course it has nothing to do with him personally,
but "all Israel, all
Arabs, all Americans, all people are guarantors for each other"
- that's what my double
book is about, isn't it?]
"And some days
["and some days"? meaning: he doesn't "ignore"
all the time?
meaning, the pain inside accumulates until it explodes? ]
he gets furious about it being the target of all
of the judgment.
"In the middle of class, I caught myself thinking,
"He doesn't deserve this!" Then I realized that no one
does.
[I judge you, Cynthia, again! What a banale "realization".
You, with all your declared spirituality could do better!
I say it again, from potential coworkers like you I expect
that you see the fact, that we all judge and that we are all judged,
even if not all of us are judged for belonging to a certain human
group,
like Abe, the Arab, or "that Negro", or "that Jew"
, or "that Ethopian",
as being one of the horrid results of our unevolved capacity to
feel!]
"In Gary's show, there were seven people from
all over the world who talked about overcoming the limitations of
their culture. At one point they talked about judgment being
irrelevant.
["irrelevant" ????????
now I become cynical, Cynthia!
Maybe you, too, can "ignore" when you are judged.
But can you ignore, how other people feel, when they are judged?
And how their pain makes them act out against their environment,
or even against the world at large?
"And after watching what these seven people shared about what
is possible beyond their culture and their religion, I felt for
the first time that this world may finally learn how to live together
in peace and learn how to contribute to each other in a way that
has never been possible before.
[blah-blah-blah, Cynthia!!!
Of course, if I would give up my belief,
that you are my co-worker and are expected to really, really see
why people do not live "in peace"
and do not "contribute to each other in a way" we all
desire,
I would "womb" you instead of judging you.
But I do not yet know,
how I can womb a human, who voices "thoughts", that do
not feel right,
especially since no dialogue in each other's body-presence is possible.
Another reason for allowing myself to judge you, is "God's"
statement:
"There is still much to learn in the
world of duality and projection, however...". in this
case from our opposing "approaches" to judging,
or more exact from my aware approach and your - I judge! - unaware
approach]
Later today (Aug.23):
I went to the pool and hated to see the jacuzzi intended for six
people,
filled with five men, "elderly" men, " of course",
[I'm judging...]
one listening, one talking only once, with a Russian accent,
the other three busying themselves(I'm judging) with judging ,
judging the local major, a woman,
judging "the Blacks" of Arad, "the Russians",
judging in all directions.
It then occurred to me, not for the first time,
that one purpose of judging is the need to pass the time,
i.e. boredom, i.e. lack of zest and full-fill-ment,
and to do this mainly when interaction with other people runs dry,
"nobody knows what to say", I feel embarrassed, and so
feel the others,
so someone - often unawarely - initiates talking about other people,
which soon turns into judging.
A
link for Mika
I told about Rivka Michaeli's parody about Old Age,
adapted to "My favorite things' of "Sounds of Music"
in 2013
Songs, August, other authors.
|
Immanuel's short answer the next day:
I won't discuss
the boundary
between
caring
and
judging! |
|
Michael
ben Admon's book about religious Kibbutzim
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"I want
you to feel everything,
every little thing."
Another
"goldmine is offered in what I feel":
Feeling judged and feeling fear of being judged!
August 20, 2013
I feel judged by my children more and more,
even the fact that they saw me treading barefoot on hot asphalt,
was interpreted by them as "you totally
neglect your body".
On the other hand, I was telling them the "unnecessary"
fact,
that I carried 8 liters of water to the "Grave of Grace",
s. below,
[behind this stupid "sharing"
was some grief, that they - especially Mika -
did not come with me to visit the Grave and see my creation in the
desert,
"because it's too hot outside",
and probably also 2 other feelings some anger, even a bit of contempt,
that they becried "the heat", while I walk through the
Wadi every day!]
which made them cynical by comparing it with the relief I felt,
[again - I discern the feelings which
made me "share" this, but I'll skip them here]
when Micha and Ra'ayah brought me some asked-for food-products,
"and thus spared me the effort to go
to town more than twice a month!"
(it's mostly only once a month, because I get
enough food and products,
to juggle - with my acrobatic consumer talents - throughout a month).
Being or feeling judged is a test to my ability to feel! Perhaps
the real test?
Should I invest such enormous effort
to avoid the danger of being judged?
Or should I - on the contrary -
see "goldmines" in the pain of being judged?
This week there was an "assignment" in "Big Brother":
participants were "called to court" because of "accusations"
by the public.
Most of the "accusations" had to do with "lack of
honesty",
which was - as a theme of fine-tuning - interesting in itself.
But my point here is, that I felt deep into the feelings of the
participants
when they not only imagined, but were faced with it blatantly-
how they are judged by hundred of thousands of other Israelis.
I don't deny it: I, too, feel pained by the judging of my children.
The usual defense-mechanism that people try to (try to!) adopt:
"I don't care about what other people say, or even my familly"
is just a farce.
My task is to learn to feel what we feel if judged
or - what we feel if we imagine and project of being judged.
The fact, that people are hiding their uniqueness and greatness,
e.g. my being "such a strange child", "girl",
"woman", "old hag",
does it not come from the fear of being judged?
August 22, 2013
"Are you judging?
Are you judging me, Children?
Are you judging me, Children?
Are you judging me for what I did to you unawarely
judging me for what I let happen to you in my denials
[this has grown into one of
the: 2013
songs: August Nr.6]
judging me even for not caring responsibly for myself in old age/
Back to my 75th birthday:
The more I think of the feelings that were seething underneath ,
the more kinds of feelings I discover,
not only in myself, but also:
the feelings of each of my actors and actresses during those hours,
may they have been conscious of them or not, admitted or denied.
It's hard to not judge myself for a fact, which I see only now:
because of the pressure and tension in me - projected around me
I did not heed my slogan concerning any interaction with others:
"Keep it simple whatever you say,
just a tune that may remind them
is what you should play!"
This means, that when someone utters a thought or a feeling,
and even more so if someone voices an objections to what I say,
I want to focus on his/her saying and downplay/forget my own.
But my tension caused me to fiercely override- for instance,
Ra'ayahs surprise about having spelled out YHWH in that canon
on the page, which would make learning
easier,
I wrote the Hebrew line as printed in the Bible, see Ps.
119:126 in 2013
Songs, June Nr.2
or to feel powerless [no time, suspecting "no patience"
from the others]
to respond for instance, to what Efrat commented on "rational
feelings",
[see the
book of Eyal Winter and several
videos]
I do not want to argue, and I definitely do not want to ignore somebody,
I want to just "play a tune that will remind them" of
their own greatness.
"I
want you to feel everything,
every little thing."
Still
on August 22, 2013
I feel, that all the "little
things", all the little feelings I exposed
here,
are not yet the biggest "resolution" of FEELing that has
to be reached.
"The nitty gritty"
is the feeling "in between" situations,
especially in between the needs of everyday functioning,
like when I have to get up at night and drag myself to the loo,
even if the needs in my case are as sublime and minimal as possible,
as long as I can take care of myself, with not help in my household,
leave alone someone who must tend to my body needs.[FEELings!]
So far I said, that the dread of being judged,
[see 2013
Songs, August Nr. 3 I am a tree and old]]
prevents a human from seeing his/her uniqueness,
i.e., the fear of being judged leads to denial of self
and how this happens ever so often even with me.
I see it even in such a small thing as the memory
of having attached 2 songs of mine to my letter to Elah:
[see
2013 Songs, April Nr.3-I love my life, and August Nr.4-Quantum-leap]
I am so ashamed of what I suspect/project as her judging me:
"Oh my crazy grandmother! Can't you keep this to yourself?".
But today, suddenly, I see something beneficial in this fear,
for if not for this fear of being judged for what I say or do,
people would be exposed to what I call my 20000 Voltage,
and to all I have to say or teach which overwhelms them.
This would distract them - to say the least -
from ever being touched, enriched by anything I am or say.
They would escape into defending themselves or blaming me.
I would not be true to my desire:
"Keep it simple whatever you say,
just a tune, that will remind them, is what you should play."
Is this, too, "the delicate dance between
creating and surrendering",
in which Moses failed, when he hit the rock instead of talking to
it?
(Bible Numery 27, see
my research)
Now, on August 23, 2013,
13:30
I'm finally sending my response to the letter from Immanuel,
which caused me to enter this neglected issue of
Another "goldmine is offered"
:
Feeling judged and feeling fear of being judged!
I see my trembling with fear, how they will receive the letter!
Still on August 23, 2013
19:40 Eve of Shabbat
The last hour - while doing all kinds of things in household and
garden-
was dark with a feeling, I could not define, though I watched carefully.
Now I see that I f o r g o t to vibrate,
to breathe, move, sound it
- how can I forget what is good for my feeling, good for me????????
Finally - in between the moving shadows I discovered a kind of grief!
Can I believe it? Grief, that tomorrow the children will NOT come~~
Last Friday, there was expectation, yes, but more than that: fear.
And now grief????? Do I understand the tiniest things about feelings?
August 24, 2013 , 18:30 Towards the exit of Shabbat!
Thanks for responding to a quest, which I didn't even voice!
One of those 7 actors who came last Shabbat, suddenly came again:
alone!
The reason (not the pretext): Micha wanted to "clean your flat",
with his gift, the vacuum-cleaner, which has reached him this week.
He also brought, what Ra'ayah had quickly accomplished:
a new very pretty cover of the old cushion on the veranda,
which a cat had overused last winter.
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