image of the day: one of the few drawings in Fox' translation of the 5 Books of Moses.
It refers to "Moses on Mount Nebo", but what I see it is the Moses in Moses V 10:10.

hodayot [thanksgivings] for today

7:30
I, Christa-Rachel Maryam Bat-Adam
give thanks
with all my Body [at this moment a bit tormented by cramps in our intestines]
with all my feelings, my "Desire", my "Will"
with all my consciousness, my awareness, my "Spirit"
with all my whole-healed "Heart", which manifests God

for the marvelous, miraculous victory over my death-wish,
for the   2 6 2 6 7    days   and   nights

which I lived and often suffered
in order to lovingly do what I came here to do.

I give thanks to all those - in this world and Beyond -
who assisted me, supported me, guided me, saved me again and again.
I still cannot say that I am grate-full for having chosen Life on this planet,
but more than during any of those 26267 days I can say,
that I wholly and forever ! accept that choice and that I    k n o w :
it will not take longer that 7 years until I'll be able to also thank for it.

Finetuning to my Present

Many rivulets flowed together and created a streaming river.
* My - now healed - memory of Rafael's scream, which I told yesterday:
"the prophets did not dare to speak in their own name,
so they spoke 'in God's name'!"

* Franz Rosenzweig's sentence, which I didn't even insert, but remember it well:
"they all talk in the name of their (philosopher)"
[of the names he mentions I remember Husserl]

* David Troim's rejection of my book "All Israel are Guarantors for each other":
"I couldn't read it, it's overflowing with quotations,
as if you had nothing to say in your own name."
I still don't agree to that,
it's those quotations who evolved my thinking to maturity,
and I wholly agree to the warning of one of the ancient talmudic Sages,
that whoever quotes something not in the name of who said it, "kills a soul".
But David was the man who loved me more than ever anybody loved me,
so maybe I should take-to-heart - now - that there is a message.

The message came yesterday night - with that glimpse into my Parashah...
It was confirmed by the last dream, with which I woke up:
There was a young boy, like Boris, in a circle of people,
and while talking about the plight of these starchildren,
I suddenly approached him, standing a bit aside, between him and the circle
and tried to say - afraid, as always, when I feel judged, which is always -
"yesterday I read something, which I want to tell you."
And my introduction became longer and longer - because I was so scared,
and the quotation then didn't come out clearly at all.
When waking up, I knew rightaway what I should have said in one sentence:
"Those are difficulties of adaptation,
for you came to this planet with a richness
which is not at all in tune with your surroundings".

It was then, that I was absolutely sure,
that the decision (taken 2 weeks ago ) to study my newly discovered Parashah
on my 70th birthday
led me not only to the metaphorical overview of the harvest of my 70 years,
but also to the lesson which now has to be learnt:
Standing on the mountain,
not on the mountain of Nebo-Let-Go,
but on the mountain of

finetuning to my present

This is what I did on my way in bus and train :
I felt my grate-full-ness for the relative safety (yes!)
and freedom in this country,
and for being surrounded by"normal" people,
old and young, in many colors and languages.













I had the courage - and felt encouraged by my inner voice -
to part from yet another "friend" - Felicia.
A double, awkward phone interaction following her birthday blessing,
helped me to do, what for her came as a "sudden surprise"...
"I've tried to prepare you for years,
but you wouldn't hear or feel me",
I said.
I was as gentle as possible, but I knew I would cause pain.










I delved into the Wittig story about Dr. Martin Wendler
and the sweetness of death,
and was even more touched than during previous readings,
since I'm realizing more and more,
that in 1979 I counted the days until my death,
day after day for 365 days.
I know now, that I was not meant to die physically.
Another death is the condition not only for Body's survival,
but for what I still need to learn: to rejoice in living as a gift:
~~~the condition is the death of my righteousness:







I desire to release the judgment,
that I must fulfill real or projected expectations,
be they by other people, especially by my family,
or be they by my "vocation".














I desire to release the judgment, that I am bad,
when others feel triggered by me,
and though I'll do "my best" to not trigger anyone
and though I deeply desire to make it  e a s y   for them,
I want to be aware, when my boundary is reached.

I also desire to discern, when I feel "staged" by others as triggering
and when I'm making mistakes in my own eyes and feel shame.
(like the way I addressed Tomer, when I found him on the computer in "my" room:
"you are probably not so glad about my coming,
knowing that I want to be alone in my room."
"It doesn't disturb me!" "But if I'll tell you to get away from the computer?"
I should have greeted him, and only in the very minute of wanting to be on my own,
I should have simply asked: "Can you leave me alone now?")


I desire to release the judgment that others must see me as I am,
understand what I say and do, & not distort me, leave alone defame me.
Again: when I feel distorted and defamed,
I want to accept it as yet another "death" of my righteousness
and feel FREE.

I'll now - 17;00 - be open to the actors in my drama,
radiate what I want for them - to love themselves,
and train in "dying" the death of my righteousness!

Two more poems of Jehuda Halevi, as translated by Franz Rosenstock,
together with his notes, which were and are relevant to my living.
Now the beautiful paper pages, which "if they were empty, people would be eager to buy them", as he wrote to Gritli ironically, are decomposed....