First Fragment
Second Fragment

Fourth Fragment
Fifth Fragment
Sixth Fragment
Seventh Fragment

Diary 12.11.92

It is half past seven on a Thursday evening.
I am sitting in my bus,
with great rhumatic pains in my right shoulder,
enveloped in many clothes,
now looking up from the computer to greet the still full moon
which now hovers over the totally still Wadi of the Succayah.

A short bark from Larqa, my dog,
Yes Maya has left me, as if committing suicide, letting herself be run over by a car near the "Country-Club" of Herzliya, when I had taken Larqa in (summer 1988).

2 dogs in a 13 square meter bus were too much, but what would you do, when such a beautiful queenly she-dog would lean heavily against your back, while you are sitting on the top of a cliff above the sea in the midst of your children?

Driving her away would not help you, since she obviously had chosen you and had made up her mind to impose her choice on you. You then bring her to the veterinary - "please, find her a home!" - but 3 days later he tells you, that he must kill her, since no home could be found. Would you not take her with you - defeated? - give her a name - "one that should sound musically and hint at LA-ugther and R-achel" - let the vet cut out her womb and when you have guests in the bus, drive both dogs out.

I am not an animal fan and Maya was forced on me by my friend Mona, when I was about to start living in my bus (April 1985):

"Either you take a watch-dog with you or I'll never stop worrying about you."

During the later extreme and sometimes dangerous desert climbs I got to appreciate the courage and the smartness of my dog and became very attached to her. It took me more than 2 years to forgive Larqa, blaming the death of Maya on her. But by then it had become clear, why Maya chose to leave and Larqa chose to come. Maya was so sharp a dog, that she would have driven away all the visitors and guests who came to the Succayah.

Larqa on the other hand wants one thing only: to be loved. And since she never despairs of getting what she wants, lifting her foot and putting it into your hand, nudging your knee with her humid nose, or looking straight into your eyes without shame or fear, she is really demonstrating, that there is an abundance of love, if you only ask for it.

You wonder if I ever get back to the moment, where I left Mimi telling me and Moshe about the death of Roibe? On our way to finding water in the DESERT? I shall come back to it, [I came back to bits and pieces only.... in 2006_11_27] but first I have to tell you the decision which I arrived at during these hours of trying to "make a long history short".

While the pain in my shoulder-blade got worse
and breathing became an effort to avoid depth and more pain,
I found myself trespassing time and again the tight limits which I had put on my writing - as always:

"be concise, be relevant, concentrate on your practical goal"
(in this case: winning over "McIntosh" to see their interest in giving us a computer
and to use the "Succah" as a laboratory for combining solar and computer systems),
"don't waste time,"
and other whip-phrases.
Suffocating myself with these usual commands of discipline
I found myself stuck every hour or so
- sitting on my bed and staring desperately and ungratefully into the beloved landscape.

The sun moved towards the near horizon of the near ridge,
which yesterday echoed my singing so beautifully,
and if my shoulder had allowed it,
I would have walked away from the computer,
towards the evening scent of the artemisia bushes
and merged with the growing shades of the night.

But no, I had to work this out finally:

"Be compassionate towards yourself!
stop being a slave to discipline,
to "sticking to the point" and relevance.
Especially since you, in your heart, know,
that everything that pushes itself to mind now,
IS relevant, IS to the point. "

Has not this month of November so often been a time of a new conception,
of the beginning of a pregnancy?
The arrows of guilt and anxiety crisscross my self-indulgence.
How can you even think of writing your book   n o w ,
when this and that problem needs to be solved urgently,
this and that task postponed until now to be taken up finally etc. etc.
Still - when night had taken over, I was ready to succumb:

"I want to write now!
So many books rumble in my womb,
let one of them be born!"

Will this nightly readiness to surrender to my desire,
stand against the bright light of the morning sun?

13.11.92

Excruciating pains tonight, when I had to turn around in bed.
Surely something old is dying and something new is getting born.
I want to write this book as a "hologram", as I did in 1984 - past, present and future merged in one.
The history and the vision of the "Succah" will be its backbone, its guide-line,
a diary and flash-backs will deepen and broaden the perspective.

And what about the immediate practical aim: McIntosh?
And all the potential financial and political partners for whom I want to prepare "back-ground material?"
I'll give myself a break from these feelings of guilt and shame and worry until Sunday-morning.

Now it's the Eve of Shabbat, 9 o'clock.
The news at 7:
a soldier from the Druse village Bet-Jan was killed in South Lebanon,
the 45th son from that village, which - as they said -
had proportionally sacrificed the highest number of sons in the wars of Israel ~~~

With the incredibly exhausting task of dressing my invalid body already behind me,
I went over to the Abraham Succah to greet 20 year old Meirav on her birthday-morning.
                                                             (see below: when Meirav called me - after 2 years of silence between us-
                                                                                and invited me to her 37th birthday, none of us remembered this sentence!
I brought her the casette which she liked so much when she came to me for that "historical" talk two days ago:

"Om Namaha Shivaya, Surrender to God."

"Om" like "AMEN " is the sound of sounds," I said,
the meaning of AMEN (from the Hebrew verb "to trust") being,
that you know, that nothing can be against you,
since you - being an aspect of God - are all there is.
Nothing can be outside of you,
everything that happens to you, from inside or from outside
- you have chosen it as being beneficial for you."

Sunday, 15/11/92. 8.20

From now on I'll start my day with giving thanks
for what is good all the time
or has become good, solved, accomplished.

I'll also thank for the help I shall get in living this day as I want to live it.
In both cases I'll phrase my thanks in past time,
but differentiate the thanks for what   w i l l   be given to me, by the title "Help".

It is a good way to say thanks out loud, while walking slowly in the Desert.
I did this again this morning,
though I still feel shaky recovering from the pains and my general body breakdown.
If the solution or improvement or accomplishment will take more than this present day,
I am using the tense; "I am doing".

Thanks:

The pains in the scapula are almost back to "normal" pains!
I am sitting at this hour at my computer and seem to have 3 quiet hours ahead of me.

Help:

My body feels light, healthy and full of energy!

I am finding the answer as how to implement Mo'adim
[a Biblical term, which implies both "encounter" and "structured time", like festivals, see another, much later attempt]
for the Succah-team, i.e. now for me and Renata.
I am finding the balance between discipline/time-structure and letting go and flow.

I organized a Tel-Aviv day: dentist, "Apple" meeting, "Apple" exhibition with Immanuel.

I am finding the right combination between writing for practical puposes and WRITING MY LIFE!

I am finding the balance
between using Renata's and other friends' attention to discharge
and radiate dignity and queenliness.

I have forgiven myself for "failures" with Ram and Channah
(who returned to her minibus after an absence of a month or so)
and am about to change the tragedies of shame into comedies about human endeavours.

I had a day of joy and satisfaction.
Every single feeling of time-pressure was transformed into
"IN YOUR HAND ARE MY TIMES". [Much later I found a tune to this verse. See now in SongGame 2007, with a third stanza]

I, I trust in you In your hands I commit my spirit You set my feet into open space My times are in your hand [Psalm 31, composition of verses 16.6.9.17.20.21; adapted to an English tune: "awake, awake"]

How great is your goodness which you have concealed for those who fear you (=are communicating with you ) You hide them in the hiddenness of your face, you conceal them in the succah

[2002_07_24
This is an example, of how I "structured" the chaos of my feelings,
mostly feelings of intense time pressure, inadaquacy and depression]

A follow-up of the things that happen, when I do not have the strength or time to write, is impossible.
But I need to tell the historical hour with Meirav Meidan.

Meirav from Kibbutz Ein-Gev on the Lake of Tiberias, a soldier, became 20 on Friday.
In fact, she organized herself a leave from the army,
in order to spend the week of her birthday in the Succayah.

She had made up her mind,
that after her release from the army in January
she would work as a volunteer in the Succayah.

When I inquired about her motives,
which were all about "learning and studying",
it suddenly dawned on me,
that the time might be ripe for starting my "Labor-Creator-School" or "Creator-Labor-School".

Meirav will be the first Succayah student.
The Succayah is a training-ground for people who want to learn how to fulfill their dreams.
[See a later attempt at Noah's Shore, 2004...]

There is so much to tell and say about this, but I still feel too weak today.
And I still have to cope with my own goal for this winter.

I was so sure, that the time had come for a break-through:
Ram, Dorothee, Yokhevet together with Renata and Rita as workers in the Succayah,
while I would prepare for giving the juridical, political and economic basis to the vision.
I would do this by preparing material in writing etc.
I would go to Germany and win over people with money and post-modern expertise et. etc.

No photos of Ram Eisenberg [see further down] survived the fire, (the only one I found on the Internet in 2009, is this: but here is this extraordinary photo, made by Ram, where Dorothee from Germany and I were sowing the first pyramidal tents on my solar-powered machine, in the light of the full moon. On 2003_01_24-5 I visited Meirav at Ma'aleh Gilboa for a weekend with my foster grandson Tomer, and there I found 2 photos of Yokheved, made by Gadi Lybrock during the second ten day Silence-Meeting with Dieter and Batya. Yokhevet, the leader of the women of the Black Hebrew community in Mitzpe Ramon, worked as a cook in the Succayah for half a year, taking this immense burden from me. Some volunteers, who - after a month - received the "status" of "hosts" and a little salary, could help with the cooking, but others couldn't or had specific tasks like Renata, the carpenter and builder.

My slides which showed the big Ben-Israel family, are burnt. I made a new photo in 2002, when, during our desert peace process I stayed with Gadi's family in Mitzpe-Ramon for one night, and yearned to re-visit just one family, that of Yokheved. But I found only Aviel, divorced from the first wife, deserted by the second.... I met him again in July 2009

The so moving story about the communities of the Black Hebrews in Mitzpe-Ramon, Dimona and other desert-towns, must be told another time. We found each other very soon, being both "odd" or "crazy" in the eyes of people. Avi had two wifes, Yokheved, the first, and - chosen by both together, or so they claimed - Anathia, the second, older than Yokheved. At that time the Black Hebrews were still not considered "legal", and therefore not allowed to work. So I gave Yokheved my bike and she came to cook for us, --- when she could.

Rita, a new immigrant from Russia, moved into the flat next to the Succah office in town. In time I asked her, if she wanted to help me with the laundry, since at that time there was no other option but doing all the laundry for the guests in a family size machine in the Succah office. Later she helped with the simplier tasks of office work. She became the most faithful family member of the Succah people and up to this day works as the Succah's secretary. (2009: not any longer! but her son is a friend of Gadi's son Nimrod) Also Avi brings her to the Succah to help, when there are more guests than the team can handle, like shown on this photo, taken almost 10 years later during our desert peace process.

If I was mistaken, what was the purpose of this premature investion of time and energy and emotions?

I must come to terms with this insecurity and shame about erring so often in understanding RIGHT TIME.

The more I look back on my life, the more surprised I am,
how dreams I had a long time ago and ---- buried ----
suddenly come to life much later and without intention,
more as a side-effect of what I accomplish in the present.
I must fill up this sentence with examples - later.
[2009 - "later" ? and what examples?]

Now, it is important to let go of that fantasy of a "break-through",
trusting that I have created a thought-form,
which will start manifesting in its right time
without too much effort on my side.

My present task is to enter the earth like a seed,
which will germinate in its right time,
if I do not disturb it by any outside force,
but just let it gather and concentrate the strength for future growth.

Ten days ago I was screaming at my angels:
If you don't want me to manifest the Succah Vision,
why don't you tell me so right away and clearly?
I have no problem with giving up the dream,
if I am not supposed to be the vehicle and instrument.
But if there is a purpose to all the obstacles which prevent me from advancing,
tell me, what it is!

What had happened?
After all this upheaval connected with Ram and Dorothee,
all this confusion which had to do with the autumn-festival-season,
I felt I could finally relax and work quietly at my computer.
A group was to come for the week-end,
but everything was to be prepared by Yokhevet and Renata,
I should have nothing to do with it.

Yet --- in the morning no Yokhevet appeared,
and when Renata and I took both cars to Mitzpe,
to fetch the group from the bus,
we learned that Yokhevet's son had had a severe car accident
and she was not going to come for many days.
Nor did the group arrive together,
it took us 2 hours to gather them,
and then I had to enter a kitchen, which I had left months ago,
not finding my way around in an order which I did not like,
to cook with ingredients I had not bought.
And as if this was not enough,
the group complained after the first - improvised but very good - meal~~~

The next morning, after I had thrown my rage at my angels,
I opened an evelope with an essay by some Chassidic writer without name
- I felt with awe that it was written for me!
It was the answer, that has been deepening ever since:

Like after I left my husband and my creation "Partnership" towards the end of 1980,
I now need to withdraw from external "doing" into my inner desert,
or better - into God's womb
and grow there in the quiet, protected darkness until the time for a new birth will come.
If this will take another 10 months, I do not have to worry.
YOU'll provide us with the money we need to survive
and YOU'll make the time ripe for what I am supposed to manifest.

My exterior tasks are now:
1) to evolve the Mo'adim, the structuring of TIME,
just as I did with the Succot, i.e. the structuring of SPACE.
[2006_11_24 - the last version of this attempt .... can now at least be seen, if not adapted and applied...]

2) To prepare for the DREAMERS' SCHOOL,
with very high standards - similar to the standards of the Airforce:
300 pupils start and 20 finish.
Part of the pupils who will graduate from this school,
will work as hosts or erect other Succayot.
[2006_11_24 - the last version of a Dreamers' Training Situation and Program .... can also be seen on this site..,.]

3) To initiate and deepen ties with potential partners in Israel and Germany,
but without going to Germany,
partners like "Apple",
like Michael and Elly K. [very rich people with a program for an alternative health center]
like the people who serve as links between Israel and Germany,
like foundations and private sponsors,
like politically influential people.
A time of working quietly, thoroughly, without expecting any tangible result for 10 months.

[2006_11_24 - this third "exterior task" was later judged by me heavily, even ridiculed...

Nonetheless - can I believe it ... - I continued to follow this horribly wrong path!

Right after I completed sculpting the self-judgmental pages of "The Pathetic Petitioner" in June 2003,

one of the last sculptures before I re-started to realize my Desert-Economy-Peace Vision, on July 4, 2003,

I went back to my old ways of petitioning, see for instance my unwavering wooing of Shim'on Peres

and I didn't even stop after both my Dead Sea Projects, "Noah's Ark", and "Noah's Shore", had failed:

When I started with "ARARAT HeART" , in July 2004, I crouched again in front of the political establishment.

Only after the new-old message"this is not your path!" hammered down again on my stubborn heart and head,

did I let go of the kaf-kaf-kaf people (the 3 Hebrew terms for "money-power-prestige" all start with the letter kaf).

[2002_07_24:
Much of what lay behind all this difficult coping with my life at that time,
was the almost violent end of my relationship with the young architect Ram Eisenberg,
whose creativity - in its right time - had been immensely beneficial
- to the exterior builtup and even the functioning of the Succayah.]

 

My interior task is

"to sit still - with Renata

(builder, carpenter and hostess in the Succayah at that time)

and to learn what it feels like
to be in a place of safety and trust
and to work from that place on your vision -
and grow your vision from a place of love -
for yourself and with her.

"Know, too, that the universe will probably test you-
send you people like those you have been attracted to before.
Your work will be to find the strength in yourself to say:

N O !

to leave space for something new,
something more constructive for you to materialize."

(Marguerite, an international expert in mediation and a Succah guest for a week, on Oct. 17th, 1992,
after Ram broke the agreement of not meeting for 10 days and his physical violence against me.)

[2002_07_24:
Marguerite, from the USA,
a professional in Conflict Resolution,
was a guest in the Succayah for a whole week.
When she witnessed the escalation of Ram's damaging "takeover"
provoked by my terrible weakness and ideology of
"not wanting to interfere with Ram's creativity"
she volunteered her skills to help us.
"Help", she explained, "does not necessarily mean,
that the conflict will be solved."
In this case her help brought about
my radical separation from this great potential peer.
In one of the sessions he said:
"When it's okay between us,
there is such incredible communication."

The time will come, Ram ~~~]

Renata, half a year later, not with Ram, but with Amichai Lavi, who had found us through Ram, if I remember well. Amichai was, after a while, the successor of Yokhevet as a wonderful cook and with the important advantage, that he lived at the Succayah and was part of the team, while Yokhevet had to drive on my bicycle to and fro the 7 km.

 

This "sitting still with Renata" echoes in my head all the time.
Since Renata has her love in Herzliya, the emotional link between us is very quiet, good, easy.
I am still alone, but I have no doubt, that this is not the time at all for living love as I want to live it.

"You exaggerate in your ability to love.
You are very open on the one hand,
but on the other hand you are very closed.
For you are unable to feel and express,
when you are hurt,
when things are said and done to you, which don't suit you, are not pleasant to you."
(Astrologist Nelly Friedman, a week ago.
She came for a short visit to the Succayah,
just looked at me and interpreted my experience with Ram,
who, being gay, luckily had not become my lover.)

But the forceful violent way of learning to be in contact with my feelings,
which I chose by choosing Ram as my teacher, failed.
With all my extreme awareness and cautionsness
I still let him do things to me, that speak of self-victimisation.
So I have to learn it the gentle way,
and as long as it will take, it will take.
I am deeply humble and patient now...

This is the end of 17 printed pages.
The next 17 pages are missing.
The document I possess continues with page 36.

click the angel to reach Diary 4