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Wednesday, 24.2.93; Adar 3rd, 16.25

How light and loving did I come out of the Silent Meeting with myself, and now I am entangled again in

- pressure (time!),

- anger ("why can nobody put a succah into the beauty and the order, that I know feels right not only for me but for most of the guests?"),

- despair ("this Succayah will never work without me, and what I do nobody can do, and so the whole idea is doomed!")

- and fear ("How can I deal with Meirav, who again came back totally confused and seemingly without motivation for anything on this planet!"),

- and more fear ("Why do I bother with writing all this info-material and finding ways to edit it together with Rita on the one hand (200+200 pages had to be thrown into the waste-paper basket, because 2 lines were missing, and it's so hard to get this coloured paper) and Immanuel and Ruth on the other hand, if I then cannot find the time to send it to the people who are interested?")

- and more despair ("I'll never find the right limits for my super-human investment in creation and interaction").

I am proud of at least one thing: Already at 6.30 I finished kneading the dough for the bread, which I started yesterday right after more than two intense hours with six unexpected guests in addition to Segal, an Israeli, and Ingelore, a German, who needed translating. Still - in between making breakfast and putting into order or improving some ten smaller things inside "Abraham" and around it, which had been annoying me for a long time, - I rang the bell for the morning mo'ed, the Shakharit.

I knew, nobody would come, and this was alright. Ringing the bell anyway is a way of forcing discipline on myself. And while I am in the Ohel Mo'ed, the Tent of Appointment, I withdraw into that space where I can listen and receive~~~

The second feat of discipline is in the fact, that I'm writing now for my soul's sake , though so many papers around me demand a response. I was working like crazy the whole day, first in "Abraham", then in the office, then in "Rivka (Rebecca)" and "Lea", but before I moved on to "Rachel", I said "enough"! It still took another 20 minutes until I could detach myself: Segal suggested to help with something, so I showed her, how to choose and sow a patch on holes in "Rivka" and "Lea". Then four visitors came, didn't want to sit down, but still took a little time and energy. But I have this hour before the afternoon mo'ed, the Mincha.

In fact, there is a third change, of which I am even more proud, now that I think of it: While torturing myself with that enormous pressure, mentioned above, I did not beat myself up for being "stupid, crazy etc. etc". I just watched these intense feelings and thought:

"OK! You are ready to let yourself be triggered, aren't you? You know now with all your heart, that what is important is not the success of the Succah, but the healing of your emotional and physical body, the unconditional acceptance of all that is you (=God). So if you have the stength to do another piece of healing, just work on the succot, their order, their beauty, their maintenance, or dedicate your attention to the solar system (a highly efficient trigger!!!), or to the water issue (foul rusty water from our tap! no positive response from the Local Council, I need to take water from the Bedouins, while they are threatened by the Green Patrol, if they take water from us, God forbid; no solar water-boyler) or to the computer, or to the fact, that people trample over the precious, delicate soil between "Abraham" and the Tent . OH, there are so many triggers. But know, that you don't have to expose yourself to these triggers, if you are tired, worn out, exhausted like right now."

I am grateful, that I finally found a way of expressing in writing what I live now and what I have been living in the past. It is not concise, it is not the kind of diary, which I admire (Father Roger in Taize, France!) nor the kind of miniatures (Heinrich Waggerl, Germany), that I would be able to write, if I had chosen writing as my priority. But I let it go - this yearning for artistic perfection. Oh, it is a yearning, a very deep one. But how many lives in one life can one live? Why is it, that I want to do so many things, and "there never seems to be enough time - to do the things you want do, once you find them", as is said in that beautiful English song, which Immanuel taught me 14 years ago? When I was in the Desert for the first time, and there was no one to teach and no one to welcome, I still had this one problem: I always wanted to do 3-5 things at the same time, what should I choose? I am ashamed to confess, that sometimes I just wish for an "emergency", because then it's absolutely clear, what the priority is. As Fritz Pearl in "gestalt verbatim" said: "Emergency is something which emerges, there cannot be five emergencies". I see the street in Stuttgart, in which I walked - maybe 37 years ago - when I came across this sentence.

The sunset is imminent~~~ But before I leave this tired, but still so helpful computer, I must report, what Michal Biton [the first volunteer and later hostess in the Succayah, 1991] told me on the phone yesterday:

Michal is pregnant. She met the father of her son, due to be born in May/June, at the Red Sea. They went to Kairo and married. He is a tall, black Sudanese, who has been living in Luxur for the last 12 years. Exactly then his father died and he went home. Michal also went home, to Israel. No, their marriage would not be recognized in Israel. And no, Lumumba would not be let out again from Sudan.

Now she opened the television and saw, "by chance", that the Pope had gone to Sudan, because the Christians there are persecuted and murdered. Then she heard, that Lumumba had walked up to the Pope and told his story. The Pope intervened. He was told to leave without even packing. He went to Kairo. But Michal does not get another visa to Egypt. She applied 5 times already. Why? "Our Security said, that this is an Egyptian method, to withhold visas from people, like merchants,..."

18.3.93; 25.Adar 5753. 6.20 AM

What is unfinished - like the story about Michal - will stay unfinished, incomplete.

I am not yet in my mo'ed of silence. I am in my hell of suffering. Shame, guilt, fear, exhaustion, despair, worries without end. There are some hints to the first feelings in the handwritten diary - but I'll use this gift of half an hour that I am giving to myself in order to just write down, whatever worries come to OUR mind. Oh, my God, I can not even ask US to take US out of this suffering! For I know, that we attract it in order to let trigger OUR denials. It's about coming in contact with all the feelings that need to be felt and moved and accepted so that they can be EVOLVED, E-VOLVED.

I am screaming now, and yawning.

- Channah might hear me.

- How will Meirav learn co-counceling.

- Will the work with Yokheved, the cook, be better this time?

But I cannot do this work of "moving emotions", or even of just expressing rationally what I want people to do, without them being affected and triggered.

- Am I going to be the GREAT TRIGGER around here? I am so afraid! Is this OUR task now, oh my God. I, who for 30 years wanted to be in this world "to diminish suffering"!

- I am suffocating, my God. I don't want to be in Hell, my God.

- The stones we brought yesterday, when will I order them? If I don't order them, they will be lying around and the Succayah will be a mess.

- There are too many things going on today: How did I create such a situation again! But it is for getting triggered, or is this just another kind of masochism?

- What shall I do with Meirav - when I am in such a mess, I cannot teach, I cannot give instructions. No, God, I cannot be a trigger for other people. They do not yet have the tools to deal with it like I have. I want them to feel good and satisfied, and I am not denying this feeling either, my God.

- What about just being silent, answering only when I am asked and do myself, what I can do and want to do? But then either people will get frustrated or their time will be wasted or they will do something which again makes me so mad as Yacob's fucking, fucked-up "Pergola" over the bells did yesterday and still does today.

- Why can't I be one of these three sparrows that amuse themselves beyond the window on the motor cover?

- And what about all the money I've spent, for Allik's alternator 900 Sheqel. Why wasn't I more critical before I let him install it? Why did he have to bring a new one? Chayim said one for 300 Sheqel would have been enough.

- Oh, my God, all the many expenses now! Is it, that I need to destroy my own creation in order to "move feelings"? My God, I am in such despair. I wished you would take me from this earth or from existence altogether. I am dramatizing. Where is my sense of humor? Oh my God, at least you are with me, we are together in all this shit.

- How can I teach Meirav co-counceling, she is such a hard cookie, I can't even discharge myself in her presence. Why should I waste my time and strength for something, which might only destroy! Why should I care for her so much. She is a fragment of me, the fragment which denies a hundred times more than what I deny.

- And the guest, what will she do, if the cerosine-heater doesn't function? Or if no kerosine will be there anymore! It is so cold.

- They said on the radio, it would rain today even in the Negev. Renata wants to erect the tents today. How! Are we attracting suffering for everybody?

- What will happen, if I just let go of control? If I just let the blaming happen? The blaming that I constantly fear and that dictates so many of my actions, leave alone feelings.

- Why did I enter this experiment with worms for composting with Nir Gur! Don't I have too many projects going on already?

- My time is running out, and I need still so much to cry, to scream, to yawn. I can only accept US in this deep distress. I cannot change it, I cannot control anything. I just nestle in YOUR ARMS, knowing that YOU love me, accept me, are wholly compassionate towards all this suffering, no matter what I do and how many mistakes I make.

Underneath my anger about those "creative men" there is - mostly - the worry about money. Because if I had 50000 Sheqel to spend,
I would just say: "We made a mistake, let's start from the beginning."

I want to just be present with my suffering and be as silent and as inside myself as possible. And whatever will happen, will happen.

The angel flying over the back of the Succah wadi

We brought new palm-fronds and laid them out to dry

Working with Renata. Preparing to bring equipment to the succahs or tents.

Yacob's "fucked-up" bell-tower to the right

Below:
The same photo? Just move a few steps and the perspective changes!