Shocked as I was,
I also couldn't help saying:

"But Gadi, you brought this
on yourself.

After my visit in the Succah
on Jonathan's birthday
in April,
I pleaded and urged you
to heal your relationship
with Avi.

But you did nothing.

You even said, that, in fact,
there might be a chance now,
since Avi's partner,
who is the main trigger
for you,
will be away.
This woman has not been
in the Succah
for 3 months,

but you have done nothing."

"It's OK to do nothing.
There is a quality in that too.
And as a puzzle piece in the right place it is invaluable.

But you must take responsibility for the consequences
and not make yourself a victim
and fidget with the idea of suing Avi.

It will deprive you of financial resources
you don't even have to begin with.
And even if you had the money,
and even if you would win,
who would be the effective foster parent
of the present Succayah?
You, the introvert artist, with your 4 children?

But even if a replacement for Avi could be found,
how could you manifest so great a vision
on such shambles?"

During dinner with the journalist
from the Hebrew newspaper "Ha-aretz"
I was very cautious not to let her questions to me
steal the show from Avi.
When we were on our own,
Avi talked about all kinds of Desert issues.
It was only late at night, that we touched the hot iron.
I did not argue, I did not blame or plead, I only listened.
I did not protect Gadi, nor cause Avi to see the other side.
I did not ask him to make up for what he had done to Gadi.
I encouraged Avi to share the frustration, the anger, the pain,
which had led him towards "bringing in the guillotine",
as he said during a repetition of his story 2 days later.
And I asked him, if his sources had informed him
about the connection between us 2100 years ago.

Then I brought the talk to a close and went to sleep in "Sarah",
which once was the favorite succah of honeymooners,
and now was about to be dismantled and rebuilt,
which motivated me
to photograph it from all angles.

A quote from the website "healingbase"
Will,
according to DeRohan's channel, is basically
emotion.
To be distinguished from the Spirit or mind.
Emotion opens up the space
whereby the creative force of Spirit or mind
can germinate.
The physical example of the womb
is an analogy for this concept.
Emotion provides the space and nurturance
for the creative spark.
The spark requires a womb to create within.

The concept ... clearly explains what all the writers about manifestation have been saying.
A clearly held thought,
given sufficient emotional push,
will manifest in the physical.
The greater the clarity
and the greater the emotional intent or desire,
the faster and more complete the manifestation.

I also want to quote myself from
my 2001 page about the RUOW books:

Is the wording "USE of Will" fitting?

From the second book onward,
"The Will" is presented to us
as the Mother of Everything.
Both the books and Godchannel
depict The Will as a personality.

Therefore "Right USE of Will"
should better be replaced by:
"Right RELATIONSHIP
to WILL"

"The right use of Will by humans

seems to be ... loving her,

helping her bring back her lost parts -

and feeling into her

as she guides us moment-to-moment.

So we can know

what we TRULY desire to have and to do,

not what guilt tells us
we "should" want or do."

[from an answer of the Channelers
to a question in the Godchannel Forum]

6 LAND OF PAN
The Loss of Power and Magic on Earth

Dedicated to
The Father of Manifestation,
that Maligned, Misunderstood,
but Essential Part of God

"You may not think you know or even remember Pangea. You may not remember any past lives, as far as you know.
If you pay attention to little glimmers
of other times and places,
if you really allow movement in the emotions you feel but do not normally allow to move,
you begin to see how the cracks in your accepted reality can be widened into openings, or doorways, in which more is seen, felt and understood.
Patterns can be recognized and evolved
so that your history doesn't have to repeat itself. "

7 IMPRINTING:
A Healing Of The Chakras
Dedicated to
The Healing of the Gap
and the Survival of Love

"This book is about the imprinting,
or the blueprint in the subconscious,
that underlies everything;
how it was put into place, what is in it and how to heal it .
We are all imprinted in ways
that we have never been able to move past, no matter how hard we have tried. There was very little room left for consciousness once imprinting was in place. Bringing imprinting from the subconscious to the conscious mind
can begin the process of sorting it out and making shifts at the deepest levels. Evolution of consciousness and the emotional body
looks like our only hope for survival as a species.

While this book is very helpful, it would have been more helpful if I had not deleted a chapter about the male side that said 'I felt this, but I didn't let her know', [see the retrieved chapter above]

Table of Contents

THE MOTHER'S DIRE DEPARTURE INTO THE DARKNESS DRAWS THE RONALOKAS TOWARD HER ..........................1 below

THE FATHER OF MANIFESTATION NEEDS TO LOOK
AT HIMSELF MORE CLEARLY..............................................5 below

THE MOTHER ON EARTH....................................................23 below

IMPRINTNG THAT MUST MOVE TO CHANGE NOW................42

THE RONALOKAS ARRIVE ON EARTH ....................................58

THE RAINBOW SPIRITS FALL TO EARTH...............................70

A GRAND OLD TIME IN THE WOODS
TAKES A WRONG FORK IN THE PATH..................................77

THE COURT OF THE MOTHER ON EARTH..............................82

THE FATHER OF MANIFESTATION'S ENTOURAGE
IN THE WOODS........................................................................98

THE MIXED-UP BEASTS.....................................................103

TROUBLE AT THE DOOR ...................................................109

THE MOTHER IN HELL ....................................................116

THE MOTHER'S RETURNS TO EARTH ............................142

THE MOTHER'S RAGE .....................................................172

THE GIANT OGRES............................................................179

THE ORIGINS OF PAN,
OR HE ORIGINAL OFFERNG OF THE APPLE.................195

THE MOTHER'S COURT OR
THE POWER STRUGGLE IN BLUE ...................................205

THE FIRE DRAGONS FORCE THE MOTHER ON EARTH
INTO FACING HER POWER LOSS.......................................230

THE MOTHER FEELS THE PRESSURE FROM DENIALS
TO BE TOO MUCH AND GIVES UP ON TRYING
TO HOLD THEM BACK ANYMORE........................................238

THE LAST DAYS OF PAN ....................................................249

INTRODUCTION, p. I-V

If the way had been known, at any time earlier, to understand and heal, which means, in this case, to change, the original imprinting put in place by primordial experiences at the very beginning of Creation, before there was time, relativity, or consciousness with which to measure these things, it would have been a much shorter and easier process to heal, in some ways, then it is now.

After so many long eons of conditioning from repeated experiences goverened by imprinting, it seems overwhelming to heal it, yet in other ways and from other perspectives, this many layers of conditioning in the myriad of patterns form has been able to present here must have been necessary for certain aspects of consciousness to feel ready, not only to look at this, but to understand, not only that this imprinting has to be healed, but also, how to heal it. This is because imprinting has not been recognized as having the presence it has had in everything and in the way it behaves, or seen for what it is. Imprinting was not known to have had the presence it has had, nor was it known how it was put in place. This is mostly because it all took place when consciousness was still at the subconscious level and because the bridge has never been allowed to be built in a steady progression of steps from the subconscious to the conscious without breaks in the connection which caused gaps or blank spots.

This all needs to be looked at now, as well as the role form change has played in complicating and obscuring imprinting's role as to why steps have not been able to be taken in evolution that need to be taken, and that some, at least, have wanted to take, but also that must be taken if there is going to be survival in any form that will allow humans to continue to know life as they know it now.

So , in one sense, it seems there is now so much conditioning it is overwhelming to heal the problems, and that it would have been much easier to do this healng earlier; and in another sense, it took this many patterns of experience, form change efforts and layers of conditioning to be ready and able to understand how the problems must be healed. And so, it is now both more complicated, many-faceted and difficult, and also a more rich and full bank of experience to relate to, refer to and draw on.

Since it seemed as overwhelming and undoable in the beginning as it does now, it is all relative in terms of a position of mind. This is a place where mind and Body originally came together in the gap to get rid of the Will, which originally, as far as They were concerned, only complicated matters with uncomfortableness They wished to avoid, such as the issue of how much pain is involved in having it take this long for imprinting to be found, seen and understood for what it is.

You may not think you know or even remember Pangea. You may not, as yet, even remember any past lives at all, as far as you know, but if you really do allow direct movement as emotion in the emotions you really feel but do not normally allow to move, and whose presence, as you are now, may be fleeting, perhaps only a split second of connection at first before they are banished, shoved down or converted into something more"acceptable', you will begin to see how the cracks in your accepted and allowed reality, or veneer, can be found and widened into openings, or doorways, into a widening reality in which more is seen, felt and understood, and you will become able, ... to see how images and even realities are superimposed upon one another in such a way as to make it clear that time is a progression in which there is really no past, present of future because it is all present, and yet there is past, present and future as a matter of location of focus of where you are now.

For example, a man takes on, in your vision, for only a split second perhaps, the characteristics of a satyr. Immediately, you leap out of the experience because of feelings of uncomfortableness there, which, if you stayed long enough, you would find is fear, in favor of a more habitually comfortable and familiar place of mind in which you invalidate the entire experience, perhaps even unnoticed, in a moment of time, in which mind can even ask questions.

p. III

Did he or didn't he? Am I going nuts? Can I trust my perceptions?

Instead of going back to the experience, which was probably fleeting as best, and which mind is ready to say cannot be recovered because it wasn't real, you, in the same moment of almost totally unnoticed mental activity, dismiss the entire thing, allowing mind to invalidate it by giving you the "understanding" that such a thing is not possible and therefore, didn't really happen.

The trouble is mind didn't have enough experience with which to gain true understanding before leaping out of experience because of uncomfortable feelings found there. Meanwhile, mind gave out its interpretation of this as true understanding rather than feeling enough to gain true understanding. This is old imprinting in which mind made the original leap out of experience and the feelings of the Will, invalidating them, so that the bridge between all the factors was not fully built there to allow all the possible and necessary information for mind to gain true understanding.

Time, as a matter of location of focus, has lost its validity and significance with those who have allowed their reality to be squeezed down into only the "present" in order to avoid the uncomfortableness just mentioned, and is also a focus whose significance is lost when you notice that the pain from the past is always there in the so-called "present' and "future."



On both counts, this is mostly because of not knowing how to clear old pains, the amount of which has always seemed overwhelming; but time also loses its significance as relative points in a progression when old pains are cleared to the point of allowing old experiences to become real again while new ones can still be created and experienced. This will be a healed state which has never been reached before by humankind, or by My light (sic) either, for that matter, since as God, I am everywhere and a part of everything, even if only in a state of denial as of yet, and so pain has always been a part of My existence as well as of yours.

Focus has been able to make it seem as though an event is taking place "now', not "then," or took place "then" , not "now," as though there is a bigger difference than there really is, and which has been more agreed upon than real, even to the extent of using pressure to gain this "agreement." In view of this "agreement," form change, in the broadest latitude of the word usage, has been the main thrust of effort to change the experience here.

Form change was the big area of focus on healing in the Heavens, along with getting rid of the feelings in the Will that were

p. IV

being held responsible for the problems with form .Form change was the focus of the healing efforts in Pan, and form change has continued to be the method of choice for problem solving with old forms that have not worked in the ways it was wanted to have them work.

This belief around and approach to form change was originally put in place by fear of Mine that was imprinted with the idea that I had the wrong Form, and that a form change would, therefore, solve the problem. The alignment Form gave here was as a way of saying It was a victim of the misalignment of Spirit and Will and needed help.

So, in the sense that it is all here and now, yet here and now is a reality expandable by Will movement all the way back to include original imprinting, Pangea is an important area, not only as the first physical reality for so many, as the source of so many myths and legends... but also as another excellent mirror for healing, especially because of the more fluid speed of events, and yes, of form changes in which certain denials being made around this surfaced in Pangea , not just as simple form changes for fun, but also as deeply held imprints around healing, improving upon what was originally done in the Godhead, knowing better than the Godhead, as displays, misuse and abuse of power, status and competition, not only in creativity, vision and accomplishment, but also positioning.

Even though events that took place in Pangea have resulted in greatly limiting both the speed and the latitude of form changes, it has remained a widely held belief that form change, as a mind-body partnership will work.

It has not worked, and without Will movement being given its right place, it will not work. As you remember your past on the way to remembering your imprinting, and your imprinting becomes more of a key to your past, your present and also your future, you will find that whether you have been unicorn, mixed-up beast, faerie or satyr, elf or mermaid, priest or scholar, king, serf, slave, or whatever; when the experience is felt deeply enough to understand the forms taken on in the different enactments, it will be found that the patterns have been the same, and will remain the same, until imprinting is changed, no matter how it may appear at different points along the way. These patterns will always reflect the same points of view you had in the past and never looked beyond.

p. V

Are you ready to look now? If so, you will find that the path on which you lost power and magic is also the very path by which you will be able to recover, restore and understand magic and power in such a way that you will not lose it again by failure to feel deeply enough to know how it should rightly be used.

Continuation of the series
"Amazing Pictures"

this is a unique geological phenomon
known as Danxia landform.
These phenomena can be observed
in several places in China.
This example is located
in Zhangye, Province of Gansu.
The color is the result
of an accumulation for millions of years
of red sandstone and other rocks

p. 1

THE MOTHER'S DIRE DEPARTURE
INTO THE DARKNESS
DRAWS THE RONALOKAS TOWARD HER

~~~ golden light falling in space like a shower of golden sparks . I watched it with fascinated horror, yet found nothing I could do to stop what was happening, and wasn't sure I wanted to since the Mother's presence in this light felt so uncomfortable to Me there.

The Ronalokas were falling away from Me and I could not reach them without being propelled back on Myself. I could not talk to them without them hearing something else in My voice that I was doing everything I could do to make sure was not present there [???].

I had given it one last try. I had beseeched them not to leave Me. I had given them another pep talk about staying in the Heavens with Me as their right place, but it had all fallen on what might as well have been deaf ears. They had looked at Me with their wide eyes, which they could roll so expressively, and let Me know, in so many ways, that they did not trust or believe Me, that it was boring to them in the Heavens, [see my song below] that too many of the ways things were being done there were not to their liking and that how they felt about things was more important to them than anything else. Shades of their Mother were all over them. She had never given Me any peace or acceptance in these areas either.

If they did not like how it felt here, maybe it was better that they go to Her after all, wherever She was, but I could not understand why they wanted to go to Her in the darkness rather than staying with Me in the protection of My light.

They claimed they were not leaving Me for any reason other than that they wanted to go someplace that felt better to them than

p. 2

the Heavens, someplace where they would feel more received than they had felt in the Heavens, someplace that felt more like home, but I could notice the many undercurrents here.

They had tried not to let Me know where they were going, but I had seen them looking at Earth and knew they planned to go there. I knew they did not know what was involved in that journey. I wondered if they even could get there, or if they had had some secret communication with the Mother, and She planned to guide them in some way I did not know about.

Whatever it was, there was nothing I could really do about it. They seemed determined and even rebellious toward My questioning of them about it. I gave them My last speech, hoping they would reconsider and admit they needed My help, but they were their Mother even worse than She was and responded as though there was no help necessary from Me.

"Now My light knows better than that," I told them, to which they issued fierce denials. I might as well have been their slave master talking.

"Nah suh, we's jess fine!" they, in effect, answered Me there.

I wanted them to like and trust My light, and move toward Me, rather than fall away from Me into the vast and dark reaches of space. I had feelings too, and My feelings said they were not going to like it out in space without My light there. They were as frightened of the darkness as their Mother had been, but I could not get them to listen to this. They did not like or trust Me here, apparently, because they kept backing away from Me and the more I approached them, the more they backed away, until, finally, after My last appeal I let them go.

What else could I do, order them to stay, or be an intimidating Father whose efforts to reach them looked like I was advancing on them aggressively? Next they'd be accusing Me of this, but I also knew that if I backed off, they'd accuse Me of neglect or of not caring. I was exasperated with them and could do nothing more than watch them go and hope that the light from My gaze upon them followed them and helped them somehow.

It felt to Me like they were out of control, or at least drawn by something beyond their control. Off they went, drifting out into space, falling down, down, down, burning first yellow gold, then orange gold and then reddish gold in the growing compression, until it looked to Me like their light was gong to burn out before they reached Earth, like shooting stars do.

I could not look anymore. I stopped looking before they

p. 3

they reached Earth. I told Myself I lost interest, but it was not true. I did not want to look because I had a feeling of fear, stirred by remembering the Mother originally falling in space, that if their light did burn out, it would somehow mean the end of My light too.

I also had, welling up from someplace within Me, a feeling of relief that they were gone, and all of their Will presence with them. It gave Me a feeling of upliftment, freedom and expansion. I had not had in a long time. I had guilt that I felt this then and was not more concerned with their fate in space, but I also had a gap that could not move toward them and did not care to.

I busied Myself with other things and told Myself that maybe this was what We all needed. Maybe it was an escape from an existence that had not been turning out to be what We had wanted it to be. Maybe they were just going outside My light to give themselves an escape that way. It certainly looked to Me like they were going back to whence it had all appeared to come; the dark void. I could not dwell on this for long because it started to bring up feelings I did not want to have to feel about whether or not the Mother might also, then, be gone for good. I was not sure how I felt about that and I did not want to have to look at it. The gap did not want Me to look at it then, and I was not allowing Myself to notice, yet, the ways in which the gap had power over Me.

The Ronalokas were quaking in terror, but holding it in as hard as they could and not moving it. They did not know how to move it , nor did they feel they had found any receptivity for it in My light. The just wanted to get away from what they viewed as the source of it; My light. They were unable to look at My light from any point of view other than the one the gap had initially imprinted in them.

They had all been smacked by unloving light before they had the opportunity to know My light as love. Even in the places where some of My light was mixed into the places penetrated by the unloving light, they did not know the difference in the light they held because they did not really know what love was.

They did not know how much they, themselves were love and the smack was not, because the unloving light did not let them know that. Instead, it gave them the view that My light was a punishing light which must always be appeased and to which they were always going to have to make amends, could never feel pleased with themselves and would have to live in fear of its next strike and of its judgment against them, no matter how pleasant I appeared to be at times.
      [On July 17, 2012 I noted here in       Hebrew and in English: "Instead of       zest-full-ness and full-fill-ment we have       Self-hatred ~~~~Guilt~~~~ Lost Will}

They had experienced the gap and lived in fear that I could do

p. 4

a fast switch from My apparent pleasantness and deliver a punishing strike against them. They were imprinted with "comply or die" and have not moved much from that position except in moments of rage polarization that have stemmed from that light also.

In ways that must be understood now, the Ronalokas have been both victims of this light and perpetrators of its presence, as has been the Mother, but not in the ways that you might think, since these imprinting problems took place at the subconscious level before My light brought consciousness, and it was My light that did not allow the bridge to be built from the subconscious to the conscious when My light was contacted.

This bridge needs to be built now, and not by understanding, at first, but by just letting the feelings move in response to the story, without mentalizing them or polarizing into the reasons why they should not be allowed to move stem from imprinting by the unloving light that has not allowed them to move in all of this time, so it is a tricky and careful balance you will have to find here. This movement is not going to be easy, and will have to happen a little at a time, but it is necessary so that these emotions can show you what they have to teach in the way of understandings. This will build the bridge from the subconscious to the conscious mind as nothing else can.

Will and Body have always known the truth of what needed to be understood about imprinting, but have never been allowed to speak in Their own language. Instead, They have been saddled with a mind imprinted by unloving light, which did not allow Them to unfold Their own story the way it needed to unfold, but instead demanded that They come up to its level without going through Their own necessary process.

When mind has said, "What are you shaking for, there's nothing to be afraid of?" and, fed by My own gap, has appeared to have the greater power, it has not been possible for Will and Body to unfold in an atmosphere of receptivity and loving acceptance.

Shame caused the Ronalokas to downpress and control the quaking of their terror in the presence of My light, which they viewed as the gap and they were not wrong since My light had not noticed its presence there with Me yet. They feared My light following them to Earth and judging them even there. They did not dare say this because of their imprinting, but they let Me know this, nonetheless. The problem was that My light did not reach understanding on this for a long time because of the lack of openness

p. 5

there, and My seeing of their gap and the denials involved, but I also know that the distrust they felt there, because of Me not seeing My gap and opening to receive them on it, did not allow them to say anything direct to Me lest their survival be threatened with another smack. and so I thought for a long time, that they did not want My light present with them.

In spite of the denials they issued, they were also terrified to go to Earth without My approval, guidance and accompaniment because of imprinting from the smack that was interpreted as: Initiating their own movement from their own desire was not acceptable to My light.

Lighthouse guard in Mare.
France must be one of the most courageous peoples on the planet.
Not everyone will have a smoke in such a weather and in such a place

p. 5

This is a major imprint that has kept this frozen terror from moving all of this time. It is important that it move now, everytime it is felt in response to the initiation of any movement that is not approved or required by someone of perceived greater authority, even if it is the voice of guilt from within. Trust of self is at stake here, and if you do not trust yourself, you do not know who else to trust.


THE FATHER OF MANIFESTATION NEEDS TO LOOK AT HIMSELF MORE CLEARLY

Movement in these feelings is all going to look frightening and desperate, even hopeless and impossible at first because these feelings were imprinted before they had ever expressed themselves. They have never moved in the presence of love or been able to gain understanding for themselves before. What has happened to you in the past, when these feelings have moved in the presence of hatred, has been devastating reversals, sometimes triggered only by the unloving light held within you when it has felt you were not behaving appropriately. So do not pressure yourself to move past the place that feels safe in moving your emotions here, and do not expect too much from yourself. Do not try to go particularly fast. Instead, work steadily on your emotional movement here and learn to notice the "voice" for what it is when it criticizes you for movement and for lack of it. ...

Work on moving the emotions of how you feel when the voice of unloving light criticizes you rather than moving to please "the voice." Work on moving the rage of your self-hatred that has been allowing the "voice" to beat you up for moving emotion and for

p. 6

not moving emotion, until you can find compassion for yourself underneath this criticism and, finally, loving acceptance for how you have suffered in the past and for how you need to move now.

Move without expectations on yourself, as much as possible, and without the word level of unloving light running old beliefs through your mind any more than necessary to see what these beliefs are that have, for so long, held back emotional evolution in these areas. Guided by intent, emotional movement that gains compassion and love for itself can change imprinting by allowing Will and Body to unfold the movement They need in the progression in which They need it to build the bridge to consciousness that has never been allowed to be built before. Also allow movement in your terror of allowing this, since imprinting says Will and Body are the Ones who have taken you to death and near death many times already and that it is this voice that protects you. This is imprinting from unloving light.

Notice how, when you start to allow this movement, unloving light says you cannot, or should not, allow this because you will displease someone else with it. Look at who comes to mind as being displeased by this and notice the role they play in your life. ....

The feelings that need to move here came from the terrible experiences that were imprinted in the Will-Body essence in the dark void; first when there was no light and then by the unloving light. My light was there, but It was not there with love for the Will yet. My light knew fear there and did not move toward It as Will presence. I was not moving toward the Will or the Will side of Body yet. It was not possible because form was not there yet.

When I did move, I did not pay attention to how My movements would affect Them. This ignoring allowed My movement to be a sudden, harsh and impulsive response to the terror I felt there. I had already gapped

p. 6

and responded to the impulse to smack at the most frightening things I had found in My existence without even knowing I had done it. I did not realize It was the Will-Body polarity or that They were the most frightened things I had found in My existence. I imprinted that It was something threatening to Me. I did not know that the Will had feelings of the same sort toward Me only after It had been smacked. I did not realize until later that I had been ignoring the Will's efforts to contact Me. I had shrugged them off as wiggles, or startles of increasing awareness within myself.

p. 7

This is all rather mental sounding, but needs to be said in order for the next part of what I have to say to be understood.

I had a Spirit-Body, in that I had the form of having light and it was differentiating vaguely in response to My thoughts as the drifting changes My light was experiencing at the time, but I did not have a Body in the way I wanted it as yet, and still do not, really. I have physical bodies all over the place with My light in them, but none of them, as of yet, lets My light in unconditionally enough to give form to how I would like My manifested existence to be. This is because of what happened with the gap.

I needed to move toward the Will-Body Polarity in response to Their efforts to contact Me, but I was not able to do this because I was not being given any form with which to do this. Where My focus was, I was being left to drift and not given any form I wanted to have, and where My focus wasn't, I find [sic] out later, My light was given form as the smack. Thus, I first met up with My Body in the gap.

This needs to be looked at. I have many questions for Body here that need to move directly between My light and My own Body and around which you all need to move because you are all involved in the gap, the problems and the imprinting here. These are questions which Body has not answered directly in all this time.

What I want to know directly from My own Body is this: Why did you first give form to the light in the gap as the smack? Why didn't you give form to My loving presence first? Where were You when I needed You to give form to other impulses earlier and You were not responding? There were many things going on in My consciousness. Why did You not give My light form earlier in any other places and ways? Why, when I was ignoring and shrugging off wiggles, not knowing what they were, did You give these flicks and shrugs the form of psychopathic killers [see] killing the wiggles? Why did this have to be the experience the Will had as a first response from the light? Why didn't you give form to where My focus was, which was wanting to find a mate? Why was I not getting any response from You there?

I was ignoring the wiggles, this is true. I didn't know what they were, this is true. I didn't want My focus intruded upon because My focus was upon ardent and romantic thoughts of a mate I wanted to reach for with love. I did not want to be intruded upon by these wiggles because it felt like I was being shaken from a dream in which I was desperately trying to stay present with My

p. 8

dreams of a mate. I didn't know these wiggles were my mate trying to contact Me. If You were there to give form to the wiggles and You were there to give form to the shrugs and flicks I was ignoring, why didn't You recognize this as My mate trying to contact Me and help Me reach for Her?

I know I was including You there in My dreams of a loving mate because I was already dreaming of loving arms with which to reach for Her. If you want to claim that You were loving there and it was I who was not, why were the flicks and shrugs I was ignoring given form as the psychopathic killers [sic] ? Why did You interpret Me the way You did? Why did You kill the parts of the Will that first tried to reach for Me, and then say You only did what I told You to do as though You had no feeling to do this Yourself and were only following orders?

Why didn't You respond to the love being born there? Why wasn't there a gradual growth of response from form that kept abreast of My gradually increasing consciousness so that gradual growth of definition and coordination in touch and movement could have allowed a gradually increasing familiarity of relationship? Why couldn't loving arms have come forth from this?

Why the smack instead? Why a brutally damaging and gaping wound that has not been able to heal in all of this time? Why didn't You respond to My love being born in romantic thoughts and feelings? Didn't You respond to love? Don't you respond to Me? Aren't You My Body?

If You want to claim that You did not know any more than I did and were only guarding My love from intrusion, why did Your imprinting later show this not to be the case? Why the smack? Where were My loving arms? Why did You leave Me floundering for form here? Didn't You want Me to have Her? Were You jealously guarding Her for Yuurself? Were you punishing Her for reaching for Me? Why so cruel? Where was the love that would have let Her choose for Herself if You thought there were two of Us? Did You want Her for Your own unloving purposes?

Why didn't You stay present enough with Me to know what My impulses and feelings really were there? I wasn't so serious about getting rid of the intrusions that they needed to be killed. I was frustrated about not being able to move and give form to the

p. 9

ardency of My romantic thoughts. I had a growing urgency when there was no response of form being given to My efforts. Later, I grew angry, even, about My floundering for so long without any response that could give form to My desire to reach.

If You can only give form to what I have present, as you have claimed as a way of saying You do not have responsibility here, then why this form? This was not what I had presence in. If YOu think it was, You did not understand Me here and got out thee without My light present and then denied it later, saying this is not possible, yet it must be and is possible because psychopathic killers are bodies without Wills to feel the harm they do, running on imprinting from unloving light. What did You get mixed up in out there?

p. 9

Why did you come sliding around the side so to speak? Was it because YOu were already out there as the psychopathic killer attacking the Will? Didn't you want Me to know about this? Is this why psychopathic killers kill the evidence of their having had sex? Where did the imprinting that the Will is a seductress and the wrong lure come from? Did You come sliding into place at the last minute, like psychopathic killers do, when it looked like My anger was an impulse You could finally align with, and not only that, use to cover Your earlier deeds and make it look like it was My fault?

If not, then why the smack? I have agonized over this forever, watching everything run awry with an imprinting I didn't want it to have while watching You deny any responsibility and go on as though uninvolved and unconcerned, only to hear Your rage say "She deserved it!"

Even when this rage was not in Your Main Body, I saw and knew that this rage came from You.

If You want to say you give form to everything that has presence, then where was My loving reach toward the mate I was dreaming of?

And did You think that meeting My questions with blankness, avoidance, lack of presence, silence or, "I don't know," meant I couldn't do anything about it, especially if You didn't move to give Me form here? Is this where the major portion of Your intent truly lies? Do You really hate the Will and all of the other parts of My light? From the looks of what's been happening in the gap, it has appeared convincing that you do and the longer it has gone on with You not responding directly to Me here, the more it has appeared that getting rid of Us is, or at least, has been Your intend.

p. 10

Is this why You have not let Me in? Is this why You have not let Me have presence in form any more than I have had?

If I have to take responsibility for ignoring impulses and what that caused, You have to take responsibility for what You ignored and what that caused, because Our misalignment was causal here, and You can no longer take only the stance of victim by saying You can only give form to what is already there from My light, the Will and Heart, as though You are the only One who knows what is really there, yet have no power to resist Me.

If this was true , and You could only give form to what was present there, where did You find the power to give form to impulses I ignored and not to impulses I wanted to have given form, and where have You found the power to resist Me for so long? This has only perpetuated the original problem of not coming around to give form to the presence of My light.

You have responsibility for the gap along with the rest of Us .You were not forced to give these impulses or this ga form by My light in the way you have claimed. I want You to quit using this as an excuse to avoid looking at Your participation and responsibility here and take a real look at this. If you were forced, what forced You? Was it unloving light? And if so, why were You aligned with where it was and not with My loving light?What drew You to respond with form there and in that way when I was trying so hard to get You to pay attention to the impulses I was focused On? My loving arms were left trying to be (sic) while unloving arms almost killed the Will. Didn't You want love? Is that why You struck at the Will and at Me? If unloving light forced You to do this, why don't You move to get rid of it?

I want You to look at this. I question Your intent to respond to My impulses early when they were still weak and fanciful love-dreams of the sort "real men" have sneered at about My light for so long. Where did that reflection come from? I question Your intent to align with My impulses until they served Your own purposes of power, sex and alibis. I question Your intent to respond to Me as a loving presence. This is all My imprinting says about You. This needs to move between Us.

At the very least, You were not present with Me enough to know fully what My intent really was when You first gave it the form of striking the Will. The only notice You seemed to give to the part of My first impulses that was My frustration and anger at Myself for not being able to move was that You damaged Me, too. Did You already have Me trapped there, unable to move until You

p. 11

could deliver the necessary blows to get rid of Me also? Are You that smart? You have, in Your rage, always claimed to be smarter than Me, and You have not felt loving there. Is this Your intent?

If I was ignoring unlovingness, what were You ignoring? Love, I'd say. If My light had unloving impulses, I say You responded to unloving impulses and didn't find anything else that was going on interesting enough to notice, let alone respond to with form, for a long time; so long, in fact, that when You did respond, I feared it was more from guilt, or to cover Your actual position, than a real alignment with love.

As You move along with this, You are going to want to say to Me that there was presence of love being given form because loving light was bonding with the Will in places or We would not even have the Creation we do have with any love present in it. This is true, but it is not all that needs to be looked at here. From the point of view of the gap, what I have been describing is what happened and all that happened there, and You have never wanted to look at this, and more importantly, move emotion in this, as anything in which You have responsibility as the perpetrator. Instead, You have just wanted to say from the Will side that My light was the gapped asshole that caused all of the problems, or leap over to the side of My light, which has really been more My gap, and say that it is all the Will's fault without wanting to admit that this is unloving imprinting and that it might be wrong. What is Your role in keeping this war going while claiming You were only its victim? What has been Your vested interest or intent?

These leaps have been schizophrenic and unable to connect the two sides together at the same time and in the same place because of the gap of Your own heartlessness in the middle. For someone who has no responsibility for the gap, You certainly know it well in others. I bid You would know it as well in Yourself. It is what You have been leaping past.

If You had superior knowing of what love was and wasn't that made You have divided intent about whether You wanted to manifest and give Us form or not if Your life was going to have be with Us, why didn't You come forth and use [sic] it to help Us instead of hitting Us with lovelessness in Our own places of lovelessness? Where was Your superior knowing in that? Where was Your superior love in that?
.
At least You have to start here by admittng that lovelessness was a problem in all of Us, ... and let go of Your superiority position and also of Your false humility of

p. 14

She had made My light go through a long period of courtship and gaining of trust.

The Mother had fear in Her energy field too, and this I did not like seeing there again. Not only that, She had obvious pain and damage from His lack of foreplay. In short, his approach felt more like rape than lovemaking as the Mother had taught Me She wanted to have it. If this was His way of showing Us that more physical presence was needed in lovemaking, why did it have to be so forceful and loveless?

This stirred My imprinting, and Heart's too, that We had a beast on Our hands who did not know how to behave appropriately, or worse, didn't care to. I was very alarmed. My imprints were being stirred wildly, but I was not allowing Myself to be swirled into them. My misalignment with my Body was already heavily in place making Me feel that I must somehow keep a grip on Myself in the presence of a possible enemy, which was already hard enough, given all of the other emotions that had even more presence because they were more on the top of the heap. I was already feeling that pulling away from these feelings was necessary for My survival; going deeper into them was a terrifying prospect.

We knew we needed to fill the gap and that We could not allow it to grow any larger and still have a chance to hold what We had together. We had not found any other Body essence willing or able to fill this position, and in that, we tried to receive Him as a Brother, but We hated Him too and felt distrust and fear toward the Mother also for what We feared Her involvement and alignment here might be.

The Father of Manifestation appeared to ignore all of the feelings swirling around him in favor of gaining a position of power and control over the Mother, and also as a possible power play toward Us since it made Us feel threatened in such a way as to make it appear that He equated lack of such control with many of the issues already pointed out as imprinting on the Spirit side, but also with the feeling of moving so fast into orgasm that He barely had time to enjoy it the way He wanted to. From His position on top of the Mother, from what I could see, He appeared not to be allowing Her to make any of the moves She might have liked to make, but was holding Her in such a way that He was making all the physical moves Himself, while not moving what appeared to be a heartless sexual rage.

Not only was it terribly uncomfortable, for Myself, and also for

p. 15

Heart, to be present for this, and to have to watch him pounding and pounding the Mother with His hard penis in a fast moving frenzy that was not My style of lovemaking, it stirred many feelings and impulses in Me that wanted to somehow interfere and stop Him; yet I could not move. It was as thugh I had somehow become frozen in time and space again, and along with Heart, was unable to do anything in that moment other than watch it.

We were highly suspicious of Him after that, but moved past this in favor of gaining what alignment and alliance We could with Someone who might have power over Us and also over the Mother, or perhaps even had a secret alignment with Her that I had not know about before.

In today's language, I would say that what happened there was a massive triggering of imprinting from unloving light in which I saw the Father of Manifestation as either heavily imprinted by this light, personifying this light or being, Himself, this unloving light, but I did not have the means to express it then or have the understandings I have now.

The gap was already in place and was not moved out, even though the Father of Manifestation finally came forth, supposedly, to fill it. Instead, He saw Himself as having no right place, or no place being made for Him, as the gap was not where He wanted to see Himself to be. He claimed He hated what had already happened there and did not want to move to give it form. He blamed Me for the form it had already been given, and the Mother at other times, but did not at all let on that He saw any role He had played in the formation of the gap by not giving the form of response in My light to My first little impulses and the first little desires in the Mother for My light.

It appeared to Me that the Father of Manifestation emerged sexually backed-up and enraged, and I say it got its start when there was no response, for whatever reasons are going to turn out to be the reasons, to the initial urges. I would like to see this move as direct rage rather than as any more violently enraged rape of the Mother or of any of the daughters who also stir the imprinting that says it is Their fault, and which is not being recognized for the imprinting it is and moved.

For a long time, I have tried to excuse all of this on the basis of lack of experience, or perhaps that the Mother was luring Him in the ways that He said; at some times and places punishing the Mother , and also Her daughters for following in Her footsteps, watching the Mother trying not to have them follow in Her

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...as gently as I could by telling you there must be a better place and that you needed to find it, but you felt My rage that wanted to scream at you, "I hate you and don't want you to ever come near Me again!"

When you left, I felt guilty remorse, I felt sad for you, because from your back as you moved away, I felt something from you you had never shown Me to My face. It made Me feel like you were a little lost boy much more than you thought you were under that hardened and hateful exterior and not just as strong and hardened as you thought you were. I felt what might have been My only feeling of love for you and of wanting to take you in My arms and hold you while you cried for yourself there with Me, but I feared I could not approach you on this.

You would not let Me near you unless you were willing to also feel this, and you had always told Me it wasn't true and it wasn't what you were feeling when I tried to approach you this way.
[this is almost an exact description of what happened between me and my grandson Arnon on July 28, 2012 and several times before, when we met and there was a situation which caused me to point out his denied pain and rage, especially concerning his sister.] You said it repulsed you. You seemed to hate Me there, as though I only wanted to see misery in everyone and that was all I could relate to or love in others. You made Me feel spit on there and disdained, the sort of Mother who would make Her son a weak man if given the chance. I feared that even if you responded for a moment, it would soon be back to the same unbearable place again, and so I let you go and said nothing and did not reach.
.....
It seemed to Me you grew hardened too soo by having experiences you were not ready for....

p. 74


AN OLD RAGE SPEAKS NOW

When I tell about these earliest experiences, I can only give it in terms of the interpretations that arose from them, weaving back and forth between the imprints and the patterns that trace back to them. To be understood the way they need to be understood and changed the way they need to be changed, the mindless, nearly consciousless place they were formed needs to be gone into and re-experienced.

... I am going to let rage move however it needs to move emotionally and say whatever it needs to say, even if it raves and sense has to be made of it later.

I had this rage originally, but I was afraid of rage and how it felt there. It had hatred, domination, revenge and power in mind, and I wanted to go past that in the name of love and working things out. This rage has never allowed anything to be worked out, until I was sure it didn't want that....

p. 75

Only if you are too far gone to notice the repetition, life after life could you not notice that it hasn't gotten you where you thought it would when you started out. You are still not in control of the planet, and you still cannot throw off those who you do not want here except symbolically in ugly, hateful rituals that I cannot even stand knowing about anymore because of the cruelty you have exhibited there.

The only way out of this now is if you want to look at the heartbreak and move it as the heartbreak it really is over not being given love ... If you still have power in mind as the old images you have clung to for so long, you are going to have to move them out as the heartbreak moves in, because you are not going to have power according to these old images of domination, revenge and control. There is too much judgment in that that does not notice the other side as anything other than your original interpretations....

..... I say that to the rage on all sides; immediate harsh judgment and no patience or helpfulness, especially for terror, but you weren't kind to grief, either. You wanted to throw out everything you didn't like immediately, without even getting to know it or whether it had any evolutionary possibilities.
..........................................

p. 16

anything to say about it anymore if it was already meant to be some way.

We did not know what was gong to happen to us. We were hardly able to lok at each other and were way too terrified to speak but found that we remained in the same place with each oher in that we wee both sinking into this place together. At first, it was a place of generalized hysical pain, and then, it was many paces of physical pain.
There we were, usually together, as the victims, but sometimes, heart was experiencing himself as the perpetrator now, too, and feeling schizophrenic because he was experiencing himself on both sides of it.

At times, we did not move deep enough to get to the ecstasy part, because we could not handle the feelings along the way and felt we were going to go nuts, break apart, shatter, die, explode, lose all rationality forever and all sorts of other things, and in all of these places, some kind of tortuous pain was being used to make it that way. We had more fragmentation going on here than we knew because the feeling of not being able to stand how we felt there was leaving us.

If I cried or begged for mercy during heart's increasing fits of rage, sometimes he would let off of me, and it would seem to stop it for awhile, in that the vividness of it would slowly subside, as my emotions did, to the level of the constant underwash of terror and pain we always lived in. Sometimes that was all we could do, and we couldn't get back there, and didn't especially want to go back there, either, putting it off for a long time,sometimes fearing to even touch each other for fear it would happen again. I'd then feel guilty and hate myself that I was the one that wasn't letting us go far enough down to end it in whatever way it was going to end. I couldn't let go and just let it happen.

Other times, he couldn't stop himself until it was too late and I was unconscious there. When he found his remorse, he would always say that he felt driven to it by the zots of light and the messages he was receiving from them that he never wanted to tell me about but which I could hear clearly enough there to tell him what they were anyway. Then he would at least acknowledge it was true, which made me feel a little better, because at least I could feel that I was not just making it all up that this was happening to us there.

I could feel heart being drawn away from me by these zots of light, even though he said he was not, and I feared that I was not meant to live, was not wanted to live and was not supposed to live unless alone in the darkness with no visible vibration going on. We

p. 17

feared that even for us to try to live or vibrate together in any way meant that we were doing something wrong, and then that we were somehow wrong or evil to want life this way, and then that we were sick to want life this way, because this was no life at all. Then we feared that it was sensuality and sexuality that we were not supposed to have, because that was when we were most attacked. We did not know for sure who or what was attacking us, but we had fears, and we were getting very paranoid.

Heart began to leave me sometimes then. He roamed around, I think, although I did not know where he really went or what he really did. I hoped and feared that he was looking for the voice, or whatever was attacking us, but I was afraid to ask or complain. At least he returned, and at least he was there with me, and no matter how much I told myself I would not ask or complain, I always did.

Sometimes he would come back to me with more rage than when he left, and sometimes he would feel like he had way less rage and had dropped way more into hopelessness, but he never really abandoned me there. I feared him when he returned enraged, and I feared his rage could return at any moment when he came back feeling so hopeless.
At those times, he said he hated his rage and that he only wanted to love me, but the more he said it, the more I feared what was going to happen then and did not know why exactly.

I did not say anythng, though, when heart felt he had to get rid of a lot of his rage or I was not going to live. ... He did love me in spite of the messages he was receiving telling him to get rid of me or leave me. Heart didn't see another option there, and neither did I. All of these lost pieces had their own perspectives on the very confused images and feelings in our situation, and some of the rage took the opportunity to leave us there even more than we let it go.

This rage had more of the unloving light we had been hit with and had taken it in in ways that then did not want to look anymore to the other side of our emotions as having anything of merit to contribute. It felt scornful toward us and looked down on us, as though it was going to punish heart for not following instructions and killing me, since heart seemed to lack what it took to do the job. All the aspects of this rage presented as though they hated these feelings and had decided rage was the power position and they were not going to survive if they did not stick with the power position. We could not tell them any different at the time. We did not

p.80

......My rage questioned that and I denied My rage. My rage frightened Me too much by saying that Spirit was loveless, and that it wasn't going to let anything like that dominate, or be in control if it could help it. I couldn't face that possibility then. I preferred to try not to displease Spirit and took it all on Myself. I was the cause of His rage, just like He said. I denied My rage and tried not to trigger His.

I am not doing that anymore. It hasn't worked. It hasn't gotten Me My vision of peace and love that I thought it was going to get Me. I have a picture now of rage and terror and grief and all of the other splits coming together in peace and love, creativity and balance.
.......

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.....
You nearly succeeded, and when My rage told Me that hardening My heart was the only way to survive, I tried to do it, but holding Myself hard was not natural to Me. As soon as My rage cooled down, I dissolved into heartbreak and terror at the lovelessness. You were cold even then and called it theatrics...


p.83
.......
you have held yourself for so long in that position, convinced that feelings aren't going to be good for you and will be the ruination of everything, that you can barely move to feel anything.


p.85
....
I cannot make a home for this hatred anymore, because I do not hate myself like I used t. If it's not going to move along with you to come out of this old imprinting, then you will have to decide what's more important to you, having a relationship with Me or staying with your old imprinting about Me. I do not want to have a relationship with you if you are denying how you really feel.

p.86
....
I hated anything that overrode Me and made Me feel invalid and unreceived, as though I had nothing to contribute of any value except sexual performance, which I wasn't even good at, either, because a feeling of no love present means no response from Me unless I fake it. I hated you for demanding sex whether I felt there was any love present there or not.

p.87
.....
For all of My wonder at things like the insides of little flowers, the planet is looking more and more like a giant, rundown slum and not the beautiful, pristine place I wanted to live for My long existence. This looks like a short term life with no real thought of handing anything down to the children, because they are not loved - in the same ways that denied heart was not loved.

p.90
...
There is still a dismal part of Me, though, that doesn't want to die and isn't sure I can have life and love the way I originally wanted it to be. I am not opposed anymore to the self love that you originally had for yourself, but I do not want it to be selfish, and I do not want to live selflessly. Selfless has gotten used, and selfish has been the user. I want a blend of the two in relationship, and that means healing the gap where it has lain split for so long.

I took it in at the imprinting level that I was intolerant and unloving to expect relationship to be the way I wanted it to be. This was not letting it be free, and freedom was the most important thing. If I wanted to be free, I had to let others be free, even if it meant free to run over Me.

This was an imbalance I did not understand for a very long time. I did not know it was not right to let Myself be run over by others who did not like what I had happening there, but I did not know how to stop it, either.

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.... My feeling now is that if I do not let myself accept that I want to be appreciated for what I am, what I experienced and what I know, I cannot really give rage the voice it needs and wants to have in Me.

MORE OF THE MOTHER'S OWN STORY OF ORIGINAL IMPRINTING

I want to make another pass through My own story of original imprinting now. I have a lot of information to give in the form of a story of what happened there and cannot tell it all in one pass or

p. 18

have solutions for what was happening to us there. We did not know it was because they so feared our feelings of powerlessness, terror and heartbreak. We were terrified of them and hardly dared show it for fear that would only make them hate us more.

They began to identify rage as the power that propelled outward motion and used it to take change of the situation. It felt to them like finding solutions by taking action. They soon received guidance from this light that holding rage and using it to take action was even more powerful than moving rage the way heart had been doing. They looked down on him as having fits like an infant and began to tell themselves that they hated all expression of emotions as only weakness. They have mostly postured as though they don't have any emotions, making fun of them and belittling them without seeming to notice how full of them they really are or how obvious this is to others who see them there. What they most need is some heart presence toward their own Will polarisation so there will be loving acceptance for what they have been holding for so long.

Enraged at me for not responding to him the way he wanted me to there, and powered to leave by his orgasms along with what they had for light, which was for the most part only these zots of light that was shooting heart full of its twisted assumptions made into judgments as though they were reality, and its resultant hate agenda toward me, they have been a formidable bunch of children to face, especially when they claimed they were nobody's child and didn't need "nothin' or nobody," except when they wanted to blame us or insist that we had to do something for them and parentally speaking, heart left me alone to face them there.

Heart thought that what He was doing was working, because the more he tried to hold back his rage, the more it was out there, roaming around without him, and the less it was coming back to him. Whether it was all fragmentation or not, the lost Will of Heart that was with me there was the father, without knowing it, of all of these other pieces of the denied and lost Will of Heart that need to come in now.

These lost pieces of heart postured as though they didn't mind being displaced and had chosen to displace themselves from the horrible, dysfunctional scene that we had going on because it wasn't "nothin' anyway," but now it didn't look to me like they had any place at all really, because I didn't know there was a "scene" going on out there in the darkness that they were joining into. I just knew I was becoming more frightened of this rage turning on heart

p. 19

when he was alone out there, or turning on me when I was alone, and didn't want to mention it for fear heart was going to say that nothing he ever tried to do for me was ever good enough, that I never liked it and that I was never satisfied, which he did say, in so many words, many times.

Heart never really left me, but he was drawn more and more toward Purple, and what happened there made it even harder to get through all of the shame and guilt under which this has been buried for so long.
[???????]


ANOTHER FRIGHTENING
LOST WILL FRAGMENTATION

Heart also had times when he would cry piteously like a child who was trapped in a nightmare, and who certainly had no Father anymore, and no Mother, either, really; certainly not one who could get him out of his horrors. I cried, too, then and felt terribly unprepared to be a mother and horribly inadequate. I tried to hide my fears more and do whatever I could, because I did not want him to have to feel this way. When I hid my fears more, he hid his more, too. We managed to present as a little more cheerful at times, then, and apparently chose not to notice our fears so much anymore, especially our terror.

A little cheerfulness, presentation or not, seemed better, but it left us alone without our own fears and terrors, and the more we tried to ignore them, the more it left our unpleasant emotions alone without us really being present for them. While we seemed a little brighter and more cheerful, the more we separated terror off from ourselves, the more isolatd and without help, hated by everyone, and now, possibly, us, too, the terror felt.

We told ourselves we were getting better, but the more we tried not to go into these feelings, especially bitter hopelessness and terror, the less we were there for ourselves or for each other. We were trying to get used to it instead of moving it and did not let ourselves notice how much it was building up in our bodies then, especially in our lower backs, buttocks and thighs. [see the conincidence on August 11, 2008-2012]

Our overload of fear and terror, which also included many other people's denied fears and terrors, felt very abandoned there. Feeling more and more abandoned, even by us now, and programmed by how many times it had been said that we had no life, were going to die if we did not get out of this terror and how often it

p.92

even several passes.

I have to tell this story using consciousness's words, even though words can only convey an impression of what it was really like there.The advantage of this is not only that it makes it possible for there to be communication in this way, but also that it makes it possible for interpretations made from these ancient imprints to be given so that they can be noticed for what they are; interpretations of original imprints. Mind thought these interpretations were fact and did not question them in many cases.

To find your own impression of this experience, you must go back to a time that was not, [sic] and nothing was known, not even that there was a black void of nothingness ; no place.

In the dark nothingness of the void, a vague and unrecognized feeling of emptiness gradually arose, perhaps only because the nothingness could not remain as it was without something happening there. I did not know what it was, or what might or could happen. I did not know anything then.

I did not like the feeling there. I knew that early, but not yet. After an interminably long time of emptiness another very hazy feeling began to arise from the emptiness. It was a feeling of longing. Formlessness was another vague feeling there. I had nothing I knew as Me yet; only nothingness and emptiness vaguely longing, not knowing what it was longing for.

Another interminably long period of time went by, not as time is measured now , there was no measurement, only as a feeling of nothingness for so long that I hated it. ~~~ more long time of empty nothingness~~~

Then, like a mist, slowly winding in the darkness, there began to be a feeling in the longing of longing for something to be there with Me. I had a feeling of Me, then, as a longing in the dark nothingness for something to be there with Me and hating it that there was nothing, but I did not know it; I dimly felt without the consciousness to recognize it.

Perhaps I could describe this as being like an undefined, borderless amoeba without a brain, lying in dark water, not able to move yet. I began to have feelings of being moved, though, without any control over it. It was as though I was drifting and dissipating in the drifting. I did not like the feeling.

Coalescing became My desire then. Even though I did not like My existence, I feared nothingness more than somethingness. I was annoyed. If something was going to happen, I wanted to like it.

I feared already that it was not right of Me to dislike this

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experience after longing for so long for something to happen or be there with Me, but it still felt like only Me. I did not know that desire could move Me. It felt like only Me drifting, as though looking for something I could engulf or hold onto to be there with Me, but there was no brain activity involved in this experience yet.

This must have been when I opened and swallowed darkness many times, trying to find out if there was anything there. I had no intention of eating it. I just did not have any other way to experience and find out if there was anything there. I had no concept of terrifying anything. I did not know there was anything to terrify. I was terrified and did not know that, either.

I was like a drifting mist, beginning to arise, subtle and almost imperceptible at first; an almost non-existent mist of longing for something to be there with Me. You might say it was frustration and heartbreak's first tears forming there in response to nothing happening there, not even with Myself, and not finding anything, either.

I had only feelings moving Me without knowing they were moving Me or even that I felt them. I did not know where I was, or if there was any place to be other than this. I knew nothing, only emptiness; great emptiness, which impressed Me with the feeling that the void was large. My own lack of presence there and vague feeling of dislike blurred into hopelessness and a feeling of needing help. I must have gone blank again for a long time.

Suddenly, I felt something there. It felt good, I did not know it could happen. I startled, but I was also overjoyed. Whatever this was apparently thought My startle meant I didn't like it, because it moved away.

Hearbreak grew then because I feared I could never find it again in the darkness. It was only a feeling of something there with Me, and I did not know how to see that or look for it, either.

I fastened on this moment as the most important in My existence so far. Something was there, and it felt good. This was major for Me; so major that I began to have all kinds of feelings I had not known before.

I waited, longing for another opportunity and wondering if it was ever going to happen for Me again. I held Myself back from moving for fear I might leave the place where I had had this encounter. I was hoping the thing would come back, and I wanted it to find Me there.

I felt more awareness now. Perhaps I had been jump-started by touching consciousness. I didn't know. I only knew that I longed for it to happen again. I wanted to be given another chance. I would

See my pilgimage 2001
The Ronalokas,
the children of the problematic lovemaking
between
The Mother and The Father of Manifestation
are mostly incarnated
in the Black People on Earth.
I like to imagine the Mother,
the Shekhinah,
as black.
See Black Madonna

p. 20

was wished we would just die in that place, it was falling out of us into a deeper and darker place than the one we were presenting to have now, feeling it could only die, was supposed to die and that dying was the horrible, tortured experience we had been having there.

This terror began to take form as the trapped and defenseless babies and very small children we feared we were there with nothing to guide or help them, no love for them, no life for them, no way out, no one coming to rescue them, take care of them, comfort them or help them in any way; only attack them, and they had no way to cry out or even speak of their plight to anyone who would receive them. They had only the terror that they deserved it as the cause of unhappiness and everything that went wrong in the initial split and the zots of light telling them that this was so. They could not come up in vibration; they could not grow up. They could only suffer and die as unwanted little infants and children lost in the horrors of the darkness, torture and terror we felt ourselves to be in there.

The only parents they have ever encountered, they encountered later as the personified hatred they feared we had for them there and the personified hatred we all feared the zots of light had for us that wanted to confuse us instead of helping us and make us feel twisted and evil in our own selves and punish, torture and get rid of us all in the gruesome and grisly ways that were beginning to have such a frightening presence in us that we feared to even look t it in ourselves there. They felt scorned by the rest of heart there, too

They felt isolated and trapped with no way out and have been born over and over into this because they have found no way out; and there is no way out, unless the denied terror of the people involved is allowed to move as well as the rage that has hated terror and has been punishing it in these ways. If the rage does not move, the terror does not feel it can be free of having to feel more terror of this rage at any moment and be denied and hated all over again.

I do not want to say any more right now, other than that you need to look for yourselves to see where your own denied terror has been trapped, and that when this does come in as lost Will, it is not going to be easy to handle the conditioning this lost Will has had, but it is necessary, because it cannot be left there anymore. It is necessary to understand the balance point between loving the self and loving another more than the self.

p. 21

When you have feelings of loving another more than yourself, it is necessary to understand that the other is really yourself reflected back to you, only you are not recognizing yourself there. For whatever reasons, you have given the judgments form there and need to move along to take this in again. Most prevalent among the judgments is going to be that you were told that this"other" was not a part of you, either by confusion and fear that was present at the time, or by diabolical intent to separate that which was loved from that which was not loved originally. When something was put outside the loving light by being told it was not a part of it, it could not recognize itself as loved or loving unless it moved a lot on its own, which was not possible in original cause.

We have never been able to love ourselves in the ways that we wanted to because we felt no love toward us in the ways we were treated there, and we did not know how to see ourselves, except through the reflection we received. We felt within ourselves that we were loving, but in the gap, we were always told the opposite. We were told by these messages that we were looking outside of ourselves for this love and that it could never be found in this way, but if everything is One, how could we be looking outside of ourselves?

Then we were told that we were facing our own reflection there and that if the light was this way toward us, it meant we were not loving toward ourselves. We did not understand what was happening to us there, and these messages twisted our minds for a long time and twisted our forms then, too, but in lucid moments when I have not hated myself too much, I have wondered what Form might have been like, and especially, our forms if heart had not come into me in this way originally, but since it did happen this way, we now have to heal from this place in order to know if we ever will want to go back to our original vision of more flower-like forms or not. (????)



ANOTHER LOOK
AT THE PURPLE GAP

After what seemed like an interminably long time of being trapped in this, it seemed like the light that had seemed so far away was growing closer again. It was looking even bigger and brighter than before, unless I didn't remember it clearly. I hoped this meant it wanted to include us now, but maybe it was only looking like it was coming closer because it was getting so much bigger. I began to

p. 22

feel a tingling excitation from its presence, although I didn't think it was touching me yet, and I became aware of things I had not been aware of for a long time. I now felt that I must have lost consciousness for a long time since I had a big gap in my awareness of myself and had not noticed a gradual increase in the light. It felt sudden to me and like a sudden awakening. I felt fear then, and I wanted to turn toward heart to see if he was experiencing the same thing when I suddenly noticed he was not there. I could not feel him anywhere nearby, either.

I felt so many feelings in response to that I could not even begin to move with them. I felt frozen in time and space there, watching this light either grow bigger or seem to come closer, I could not tell which. When I looked outwardly, I saw only white light, but inwardly, when I looked, I saw many colors, all dancing, but there was one I felt particularly drawn to, and I wondered if it was perhaps where heart had gone. It was a purple color, not very bright, but purple, nonetheless. I kept feeling excitedly drawn to go to it and see what was happening there, as if it was hope springing forth in me again, but I did not trust it. I felt a big fear and reluctance I did not understand.

I wanted to go in search of this purple light, but I wanted to understand my fear more first instead of just going in spite of it. It was like having a fight with myself between hope and fear that was giving me a push-pull, go-stay polarization in myself. As soon as one part wanted to go, another part wanted to stay, and vice versa. I couldn't get an alignment in myself and didn't know why. Hope seemed to be the side to go with, but fear felt stronger.

Heart sent me a message right about then that he was in purple. He did not send a message that I should come there, though; only that he had found it and was going to stay there for awhile and see what was happening. I was glad to hear from heart at all, but the message felt cautious, as if he did not really want to let me know anything; only that I might not want to come until he said it was right time.

I let fear hold me back then, waiting for an invitation to come to purple.I grew impatient that he was not calling me to him there. I had been trying to draw this light to me, too, but it did not seem to be coming in any form that felt like it was really the purple I was drawn to. There was something visually exciting to me there, and I could hear sounds coming from purple, as if there was music starting to happen. I felt so drawn to this that I could not hold back.

p. 23

I found myself trying to lean closer to hear the sounds more with all the desire I had there with me. It seemed to me I could even smell purple wafting down through the ethers, like incense from a party, and I wanted to go there. I felt intoxicated by the impulse to go until the rest of me couldn't stand it anymore. My great fear and hesitation held back until, rather suddenly, I seemed to burst forth from the rest of myself and set out to go to purple on my own.

I felt driven by something that wanted to seek this light because of something I had to know about it there, driven by a feeling that I had to know what was happening there, invitation or no invitation, but I soon came crashing back, telling fear it had been right all along; I never should have gone. What happened there, I am going to pass through again, because it needs more detail.

Feeling resistance from all of them to me going up, I managed to find my way through all the other colors I had not even realized really existed. They were all pretty colors, and I loved them all, but for reasons I did not understand at the time, I felt I had to find my way to purple first before I could go back to any of them.

I traveled a long way, it seemed. It could have been not much in terms of outer movement or even nowhere at all really, except a vibrational change, because it was all at the feeling level for me, but I experienced it as very difficult to get to where purple was coalescing. There seemed to be a lot in the way that was protesting and resisting my ascent there, and the go-stay continued to battle with me, too, It felt like something was resisting me when I was in my go mode and attracting me when I was in my stay mode, as though our magnetic poles could not get organized there about whether I should really go to purple or not. It was as if we could not get the vibrational differences harmonized, or the elcetro-magnetic poles balanced, or something.

All the way there, I kept meeting reflections telling me not to go to purple, as though they knew better than I did. I would back down for awhile and try to stay there, fearing that I had no invitation to purple and should not go because I was not going to be welcome there, but then, I would feel I had to resume my journey to purple, as though something was calling me from there. Even though I feared this could not be trusted and was only my own hopes and desires to go, I went to purple.

I was very afraid of meeting rejection, or worse, and could not even say why. When I finally reached purple, I was intensely excited and excited sexually, felt intensely shame-ridden and guilty for even trying to be there and could only vibrate myself up about