The Purpose  of   HEALING - K.i.s.s.
as stated 12 years ago - was and is
to help me and my potential PEERS
to HEAL ourselves into WHOLEness,
and - as holograms - all of Creation!
Intro to Healing-K.i.s.s. 2001-2013
and Overview of its main libraries


[If you look for a word on this page,
click ctrl/F and put a word in "find"]

I focus my experiencing and awareness on being
"a   pioneer of  Evolution  in  learning  to  feel":
I let my Body vibrate and my Heart 'womb'

pain, shame, fear, boredom, powerlessness,
so feelings can >heal >guide>fulfill
>evolve,
and ~~~ offer ~~~"goldmines"~~~ to us all!!
"I want you to feel everything, every little thing!"

 


See below: January 9-21, 2011 Finetuning to my Present

Click! and click again to stop! And if you want to do yourself a favor, join in! Sing!
May my throat's overtone singing today - unite all my denied parts and lost fragments with me - today!



2005 LEARNING & LIVING TODAY
{15 - 2005_06_01}
"Learning to feel better requires that you become better at feeling"

"...Guilt erodes the sense of self worth
and makes it very difficult
to feel feelings
that have been infected by it
..."

"...Guilt is held in place by judgments.
Release the judgments,
and the guilt goes too"

From Godchannel: "Judgment Release"


Today's photos
show some of the miracles in "my" tiny garden.

"Miracles", because the soil is desert soil
- even "bad" herbs refused to grow there,
when I rented "my castle" here, on Dec. 3, 2004
.
There was nothing but a miserable apricot tree.
I started to tend it tenderly and it thanked me
with a multitude of blossoms
[it stars on "ARARAT HEART> Stage IV, Signs?"].
And now it is showering
an amazing abundance of yellow-orange apricots
- on me, my landlords and even our neighbors.

And the other yellow-orange delight?
The first sunflowers!
Immanuel, my son, had given me different seeds,
vegetables, herbs, flowers,
but only the sunflowers took root...


So often in my life,
when I pressured myself and judged myself
and felt guilty with regard to fulfilling my "vocation",
I imagined a sunflower:

"This flower never questions its right to exist,
though it does nothing but blossom and bloom!
so why can I not be just like a sunflower?"

 

 

Judgment Release
The whole message , passage by passage, serves as a basis for puzzle piece 6 "Releasing Judgments".
Parts are quoted in puzzle piece 18 "Good and Bad" and puzzle piece21b "Fragments and Fragmentation"

 

"One story of your origins is about
how your ancestors in the Garden of Eden lost their innocence
when they tasted the fruit of the Tree of
Knowledge of Good and Evil.
The story, however, didn't mention
that I had done the same thing myself earlier.


"The snake was correct, I had this 'knowledge',
but the story didn't say how knowing both good and evil
was plaguing me and making a mess of Creation.

"Judgments I made
based on these values
have spawned most of the unwanted fragmentation in Creation.

"As I've mentioned, I am evolving.



"When I began to be aware of stimuli,
both from inside myself

and from what seemed to be outside of me,
I generally had one of two feelings about it.
I either felt
that it was something I liked to experience
or something I didn't like.
The things I liked, I accepted
and the things I didn't, I rejected.


"This whole process seemed right to me
and I didn't question it for a very long time.
Even when I became aware
that I was fragmenting myself by doing this,
I didn't know how to quit.

...

"The things I decided to accept became part of me.
The things I decided to cut off, however,
were also parts of me I now had projected outside of myself.
When these parts were rejected as unacceptable,
they didn't cease to exist as it first seemed,
they went into denial.

...

"In the mistaken belief that perfection is what is 'right,'
it seems that mistakes are 'wrong.'
But since you and I and everything else in Creation are evolving,
mistakes are not only necessary, but desirable."

[This passage was missing in the old version.]

 

"Learning is evolving
and mistakes are excellent feedback in the learning process,
if they are used as such.
The solution to the problem of judgments
is not in trying to eliminate the ability to judge,
it is in using the faculty wisely.

"Your culture has taught you
that making mistakes is bad,
but it's not true.
Mistakes are the norm in trial and error learning,
and in fact they are necessary for learning and evolution.

Learning is already hard enough
without being punished for the mistakes
that are a necessary part of the process.


Guilt erodes the sense of self worth
and makes it very difficult to feel feelings
that have been infected by it.

Depression
is often the consequence
of guilt-bound feelings
that can not move
and are therefore denied.

"Since you are fundamentally innocent
guilt is not in its right place in you.
[This sentence was missing in the old version.]
Guilt is held in place by judgments.
Release the judgments,
and the guilt goes too.

"You can very quickly and dramatically
change your life for the better
when you release the judgments
that have held you captive
and left you cut off from love
and from your true emotional strength and power.
[the word 'true' was missing in the old version]

This is much easier to do than it's seemed.

" Because judgments are mental decisions,
[the word 'mental' was missing in the old version]
they are easy to change.
The secret is simply to decide again.
[In the old version 'decide again' was not in italics.]
Take back your original judgment,
change your mind, undecide, unjudge."

 

How to Release Judgments

"Here is an easy way to do this.


"Whenever something bothers you,
find the emotion or feeling
that is associated with the problem.
Next, locate the feeling in your body,
and feeling into the feeling ask yourself,
[old version: 'Whenever something bothers you, ask yourself,']
'Do I have any judgments about this?'
If the answer is, 'Yes',
then say out loud or strongly in your mind's voice,
'I release the judgment that I am bad because I ~'
(Insert whatever you
did,
thought
or felt
.)

...

"So, now you have changed your mind,
you no longer judge yourself as bad
for doing or not doing something.


"The next step is to change your mind
about the thing itself.
The words that do this are,
"'I release the judgment that ___ is bad or wrong.'
(insert the same as above.)

... "If the judgment is a negative quality
such as 'I am lazy,' 'stupid,' 'unworthy,' etc.
finish up with the following release statement:
"'I release the judgment that I am in fact ___'
[This passage was missing in the old version.]

"If you are feeling self-hatred related to the judgment,
begin with this statement:
"'I release the judgment that I must hate myself because I ____'
(And continue with the two other statements above.)
[This passage was missing in the old version.]

"Here is a list of the statements in order of use.
In all cases it's good to use the second and third.
Begin with the first
if there is any feeling of self-hatred,
and the fourth if the judgment is a negative quality
such as lazy, stupid, unworthy, etc.

1. 'I release the judgment that I must hate myself because I ____'
2. 'I release the judgment that I am bad because I ____'
3. 'I release the judgment that ____ is bad or wrong.'
4. 'I release the judgment that I am in fact ____'
[This passage was missing in the old version.]

"Whatever it was that caused you to judge against yourself,
it's not wrong, it's a choice.
[Old version: "You see, it's not wrong, it's a choice."]
You have free will
and every choice you make is valid,
and particularly valid
when it's used as a learning experience.

"Release [old version: "do this for"] each negative judgment
until there are no more.
That's all there is to it,
when the judgments are released
you are free again to decide
about how you will feel and act in this and similar situations.

And most importantly,
your magnetic essence will be free to move as she wills.
[The last sentence was missing in the old version.]

[The old version included the following passages:
"If you like, you can accept my judgment in the matter.

"My judgment is that you are innocent,
and you've had whatever experiences you've had
because you're here to learn and grow and heal.

"After releasing the judgment, you can say,
'I accept God's judgment in this matter.'"]


 

"Guilt and blame are a continuum.
When it's in you, it's guilt.
When it is in someone else, it is blame.
[see also pp15 Guilt&Blame are the same]
Guilt that you feel impossible to own yourself
becomes blame when it is projected out unto another.

[Old version: "When it's in you, it's guilt,
when it's projected onto another, it's blame.
In either case, it's yours to release."]

"Releasing judgments (blame) against others
is just as liberating
as releasing them against yourself.
Just say, 'I release the judgment that ~ is bad or wrong.'
Either way, guilt or blame, it's yours to release.

[Old Version: "Releasing judgments against others
is equally liberating.
Just say, 'I release the judgment that ~ is bad because they ~',
and 'I release the judgment that ~ is wrong.'
When you release a judgment against another,
you also release guilt's twin, blame. ]

 

"Does it seem too easy?
...
You may find yourself very pleasantly surprised
at the deep and permanent positive changes that occur
when judgments are released.
At first it may seem like nothing has happened,
no thunderbolts or deep feelings
need accompany the quiet release of judgments.
And yet sometimes it may come
as a deep sense of immediate relief
and the movement of long-held emotions.
[The last sentence was missing in the old version.]

"Judgment making is a mental activity,
and so is judgment releasing.
Although these mental constructs
have had [old version: "have"]
a very powerful influence over emotions,
they are as easy to release
as forming the intention and thinking the thought.

 

"The effects of judgment release are subtle at first,
but always [old version: 'always' was missing] cumulative.
The more often you stop a moment to release judgments
when something bothers you,
the easier it goes next time.
Also, after just a little practice,
the releases will happen quickly.
Once you've done this practice a few times,
just realizing that you've had the judgment
is often all that is necessary for it to release.
[Old version: "The more often you stop to release judgments,
when something bothers you,
the easier it goes next time.
After a while your unconscious mind
will take over the process automatically.
This is good because there are still many judgments to release.]

 


"The Last Judgment is a real event
that will happen eventually for each evolving being.

"... Releasing my judgments enabled me
to move ... in loving acceptance.
[This passage was missing in the old version.]

"My last judgment was to decide
that I no longer wish to deny anyone or anything
by judging against it.
This means I accept it now as it is
and find a place for it in my Light
[old version: "and find a place for it in me"]
if it wants one,
regardless of how I've felt about it before.

"I judge everyone and everything as good.
With me, it's all okay.
I don't call it wrong when there's a mistake,
I know it's learning.
I don't think it's treason
when my suggestions are ignored
or a back is turned to me,
I know it's free will evolving."

Channelers' note: There is more material about guilt and judgments on HealingToWholeness.com

HealingToWholeness.com

[In quoting Godchannel's message about Guilt and Judgments I omitted passages which are less important to me.
In quoting "Healing from Guilt" in the "Healing-to-Wholeness" website,
which is paraphrasing "Godchannel's" info,
I'll quote even those phrasings which are, in my eyes, deviations from "Godchannel's" exact understanding,
for often I learn more by contrast and contradiction...
But I also learn by reading the same message in the wording of a different author!
The chapter "
Judgment Release Practice"
is pretty much the same text as Godchannel's

"How to Release Judgments".

I still felt, I should quote it just as it is...

 

 

Healing from Guilt
[synchronicity on March 1, 2011:
I've just ! edited the response from the Channelers to my quest concerning info about "Sexual Abuse"!
In their answer they point out this page in their personal webpage: "Healing from Guilt"! ]

From the beginning of human history,
each generation has taken on guilt
and passed it down to the children.
Parents, children, friends,
spouses, partners and others
have used guilt for
behavior modification,
punishment
and revenge.
Institutions like
businesses, governments and religions
have used guilt
to keep people in line.
Guilt is so much a part of the fabric of our culture
that it seems quite radical to suggest
that it's been a mistake.

But it has.
Guilt (and its relations, shame and blame)
have been a plague
that has cost humanity untold pain, suffering and despair.

 

 

 

They've too often caused us to feel bad about ourselves
and to do less than our best.

The bad news is that we have loads of this stuff inside us and lots of people ready to help us take on more.
The good news is that guilt can now be easily removed and kept away.
(Since they are so similar and the release process is the same,
I'll include "shame" in the term "guilt" from now on.)

Many believe that guilt is a feeling.
However, on closer examination it's clear
that guilt is a mental thing that "infects" feelings.

It's like a foreign substance that gets into or around emotions, like an infection in a wound.

Emotions, even the powerful negative ones,
are meant to be felt and moved.


[the term "negative" is dangerous, see puzzle piece 17e]


Without guilt,
feelings like grief, fear or anger
can flow smoothly and move through us.
We feel the feeling - and then it's gone,
leaving a space that can later be filled
with joy, excitement, power or other emotions.

[again: this phrasing is dangerous
and leads to the old belief, that we have to get rid of something.
From this belief there is but a small step to making "feelings" wrong altogether!]


For instance, grief without guilt feels warm and smooth, like love.
Fear without guilt feels like excitement or anticipation.
Anger without guilt feels like power.

However, emotions with guilt in them are much more difficult to feel.
They hurt.
Guilt in or around a feeling
causes it to abruptly stop and start again.
This jerkiness in the otherwise smoothly flowing feeling
causes a pain-like sensation we interpret as
"feeling guilty".

The easiest way to deal with feelings infected with guilt has been to deny the feelings.


For many of us this has been crucial to maintaining self-esteem
and keeping our optimism high enough to go on with life.
The problem with this is that denied feelings don't go away,
they submerge and stay unconscious.
This creates an opening for the split off parts of us
(that experienced the feelings and are now unconscious)
to repeat destructive or unwanted patterns of behavior.

Denial is only a coping mechanism.
Real healing can come only when the feelings are felt

[and physically moved, breathed and sounded!]
and the guilt is confronted and removed.
Although the suggested practice that follows is very easy to do,
it can facilitate very deep healing.

The truth is that you and I, everyone~~~ we are all innocent.
Many have believed
that guilt has been necessary to keep us from doing "wrong" things.
But this isn't true,
a good conscience does not depend on guilt,
but rather on a self-assured sense of what is right and wrong.

In fact, guilt erodes conscience
by degrading self-esteem and even causing self-hatred.
With enough guilt, a person can get in a position
where they feel obliged to prove to themselves and the world
just how bad they are.
Also, because emotions with guilt are hard to feel
- they get denied, and are no longer available to us.
Without honest feelings to inform us,
it is difficult to achieve that self-assured sense of right and wrong
that makes a good conscience.
The healing of guilt is
in releasing the judgments that hold guilt in place.

 

Judgment Release Practice

 

In healing guilt it is important to remember
that we are here to learn.
Learning is a trial and error enterprise.
Sometimes we make mistakes,
we do things we don't wish to repeat.
So we learn.

If, however, in the learning process we get infected with guilt
- we then feel bad, sometimes really bad.
A learning experience
turns into an internal crime and courtroom scene
with the feeling of guilt as the primary punishment.

Learning is part of growing and evolving,
and mistakes are excellent feedback in the learning process,
if they are used as such.
Our culture has taught us that making mistakes is bad,
but this is not true.
Mistakes are the norm in trial and error learning,
and in fact they are necessary for learning and evolution.
Learning is already hard enough
without being punished for the mistakes
that are a necessary part of the process.

Here is an easy way to do this.
Whenever something bothers you,
find the emotion or feeling that is associated with the problem.
Next, locate the feeling in your body and ask yourself,
"Do I have any judgments about this?"
If the answer is, '"Yes," then say out loud or strongly in your mind's voice:

"I release the judgment that I am bad because I ____"
(Insert whatever you did, thought or felt.)

So, now you have changed your mind,
you no longer judge yourself as bad for doing or not doing something.
The next step is to change your mind about the thing itself.
The words that do this are:

"I release the judgment that ____ is bad or wrong." (Insert the same as above.)

If the judgment is a negative quality such as "I am lazy," "stupid," "unworthy," etc.
finish up with the following release statement:

"I release the judgment that I am in fact ____"

If you are feeling self-hatred related to the judgment,
begin with the following release statement:

"I release the judgment that I must hate myself because I ____"
(And continue with the two other statements above.)

Here is a list of the statements in order of use.
In all cases use # 2 and #3.
Begin with # 1 if there is any feeling of self-hatred,
and use # 4 if the judgment is a negative quality such as lazy, stupid, unworthy, etc.

1. "I release the judgment that I must hate myself because I ____"
2. "I release the judgment that I am bad because I ____"
3. "I release the judgment that ____ is bad or wrong."
4. "I release the judgment that I am in fact ____"

Whatever it was that caused you to judge against yourself,
it's not wrong, it's a choice.
We have free will and every choice we make is valid,
and particularly valid when it's used as a learning experience.
Release each negative judgment until there are no more.
That's all there is to it,
when the judgments are released
you are free again to decide
about how you will feel and act in this and similar situations.

 

 

The punishment and obvious result of negative judgments is guilt.
Guilt erodes the sense of self worth
and makes it very difficult to feel feelings that have been infected with it.
Depression is often the consequence of guilt-bound feelings
that cannot move and are therefore denied.
Guilt is held in place by judgments.
Release the judgments, and the guilt goes too.
And because judgments are decisions, they are easy to change.
The secret is simply to decide again.
Take back your original judgment, change your mind, undecide, unjudge.

Guilt and blame are a continuum.
When it is in us, it is guilt.
When it is in someone else, it is blame.
Guilt we feel impossible to own ourselves
becomes blame when it is projected out onto another.
Releasing judgments (blame) against others
is just as liberating as releasing them against ourselves.


Just say, "I release the judgment that (person's name) is bad because they . . ."
and "I release the judgment that . . . is bad or wrong."
Either way, guilt or blame, it's ours to release.

Does it seem too easy?
You may find yourself very pleasantly surprised
at the deep and permanent positive changes that occur
when judgments are released.
At first it may seem like nothing has happened,
no thunderbolts or deep feelings need Accompany the quiet release of judgments.
Judgment making is a mental activity, and so is judgment releasing.
Although these mental constructs have a very powerful influence over emotions,
they are as easy to release as forming the intention and thinking the thought.

The effects of judgment release are often subtle at first, but always cumulative.
The more often you stop to release judgments when something bothers you, the easier it goes next time.
Also, after just a little practice, the releases will go very quickly.
After some practice, often all that is necessary
is to realize you've had the judgment,
and it will automatically release.

 

 

My veranda today - June 1, 2005!

 



 

January 9-21, 2011 ~~~~Finetuning to my Present
continuation of January 1-8, 2010

 

Arad, Sunday, January 9, 2011


1959 Weilheim/Tuebingen, Germany,with her husband, my teacher, Reinhold Mayer

You would have become ninety years old today,
Annemarie, my friend,
who once warned me:

"A small full-fill-ment is better than a big dispersion!"

Thank you
for having taught me
to focus sharply,
on what is most important among my desires NOW!

These are the fruits of my learning since Dec. 12, 2010:
[see Learn&Live11~Learn&Live12~
~Learn&Live 13~~~Learn&Live 14]
and remember the mystical connection
between Christa-Rachel and Rut-Efrat


1973 Ramat-Hadar/Hod-Hasharon, Israel, with me in our garden

(1)

I let go of my self-sacrifice-pattern concerning money and comfort.
Whatever I grant graciously to others, I grant graciously to myself!

(2)

In the harmonious relationship between me & my daughter-in-love
I must beware of the small 'fires', lest they turn into a 'Carmel-Fire'.

I must find a way to cause her to not suppress, but wholly express,
when she feels triggered by me, but to express while I support her!
I must find a way to make her ready to listen to  m e  supportively,
  when I -from her side- attract triggering of holes that need to heal.




(3)

I must be ME and not hold back my loving and my being available.
But if, what I am, triggers them or
-worse- lets them feel unworthy,
I must NOT judge myself for not being able to manifest my desire,
that all people should first of all feel worthy and love themselves.

I must take responsibility for being a trigger, for causing pain,
but taking responsibility does not mean, that I have to change.

(4)

It is time for "
lekhi-lakh", for "go-to-yourself",
from 23 years  of grandmotherhood to 10 kids,
as I let go of 23 years of motherhood to 3 kids.
[see the signs already exactly a year ago!]

Whenever I had to move from security to freedom,
I heard God's command to Abraham:
Lekh-Lekhâ,
go-to-yourself from your land and from your family,
... and become a blessing for all the earth's families.
[see often, but especially in the library Biographical Sculptures]

This lekh-lekhâ in the masculine form is said only twice in the Bible,
once with regard to the security of the past,'the house of your father',
and once concerning the security of the future: 'Yitzkhaq, your son'.

But it is said twice also in the feminine form, lekhi-lakh
[listen to this new song in SongGame]

My beloved responded, and said to me:
'Rise up, my love, my fair one,
and go-to-yourself!'


For, lo, the winter is past,
the rain is over and gone;
The buds appear on the earth;

The time of the nightingale has come,
and the voice of the turtle is heard in our land;


The fig-tree putteth forth her unripe fruits,
the vines in blossom
give forth their fragrance.


'Rise up, my love, my fair one,
and go-to-yourself!'


Songs of Songs 2:10-13


There is no satisfying translation in English,
but the good article "Keys to the Song of Solomon", which I mentioned already in my
Song of Songs
realizes the connection
to the lekh-lekhâ
said by "God" to Abraham,
by commenting [though in religious language]:
"How responsive are we to the call of God
to leave our comfortable world of ... safety?
To stay behind
is to lose a God-given opportunity forever."


To my regret I no longer have
Chana's and Ariel's translation
of this passage
and therefore translated it myself,
on the base of the on-line
Hebrew-English Bible Songs of Songs 2:13

But as to the word "ra'ayati",
translated by "My Love", or "My Darling"
(in the Contemporary English Version
and in the New American Standard Version
and in the New International Version)
even I cannot find a satisfying equivalent.

"ra'ayati", the female form of "re'a", as in
"be loving to your re'a (since he is) like yourself." [Leviticus 19:18]
"
ra'ayati" means my other - "re'aekha" = your other
and is a "petrification of philosophy" in the Hebrew language, which is sadly missing in other languages.


What this new lekhi-lakh may (!) mean for me, I phrased on Dec. 25, 2010:
"It seems to me now,
that there are three intertwined assignments:

- to feel better by becoming better at feelings

- to help my Body heal and heal Creation

- to prepare for the awakening of Love"

And I "pray":


Psalm 143, see the new threefold song

 

I am grate-full for what I was shown today, Monday, January 10,  2011:
My "Communication with Deity" on January 31, 2008 in Healing-K.i.s.s.

...

"....But please understand once and for all,
that it's relatively easy to release big judgments, big patterns,
and that the smaller the triggering issues ,
the greater the difficulty to even become aware of the patterns,
leave alone to release them.




And I agree with your grief about all those "rays of my sun",
who annunciate the coming "Heaven on Earth",
and proclaim the Peace, the Light, the Love of it,
but do not look into the small and smallest
clefts and cracks, crannies and crevasses,
in which the old denied, unhealed feelings
lurk and prowl,
waiting for their chance to sneak out
and attack and destroy
all that beautiful "Heaven on Earth".



"Thank you for working on healing
that ancient conditioning of yours!
And now tell me more of yesterday's successes!"



Shoham, Tuesday, 2011_01_11


Mother-in-Love and Daughter-in-Love 2008 in a newspaper

See the synchronicity of Efrat's "lekhi-lakh" from all 'bosses'
and my "lekhi-lakh" from motherhood and grandmotherhood,
as mentioned by chance on the page "Yearning for Partners"


Here I'm inserting a short correspondence with my son,
who was on leave from El-Al and on a ski-holiday with his step-siblings.
My letter allows a glimpse into the process of
reconciliation
through taking another leap in growing together,
Mother-in-Love and Daughter-in-Love.
I'm once more recalling the mystical library created about Rut- Efrat's name in 2004


 

See about the gradual process towards "a time to refrain from embracing", since January 2009, implied in my German diaries
inserted in "Communication with Deity", and in "Godchannel>Interview with God IV"


 

Arad, Monday, January 17, 2011
[How come, that in January 2011, I look just like in February 2008? Efrat is responsible for sculpting my hair, but until Sept. 2010 my hair was long!

But, yes, there is one decisive difference: I have learnt to do without glasses! except when I watch TV, or need to find the sign of a street in a town...]

I'm training, practising my new life.
"You've changed", said Mika , as if in brackets between other issues.
She escaped my question: "what do you mean, I've changed?"
I'm still working on the Good-Bye gift to myself,
- to my "lekhi-lakh" from my Grandmotherhood:
photos after photos, compositions after compositions, memories after memories.
(Follow the sequence of images since Ayelet's Bat-Mitzva, on SongGame, through 23 pages]

And I'm learning this message even with concern to my starchildren, Lior and Tzippi.
They are the same age as my eldest granddaughter, but unlike her - attached to me...
I'm teaching them now to let go of turning to   m e   for support,
and instead actually learn "Mutual Support" , RC, in a class, in Jerusalem,
where they now live, suddenly both in the same flat with other students...


I'm also practicising the money-lesson and I'll now demonstrate, how:.
Look what courage I had - to decide to buy ! a new ! dress ! for myself!!!!
towards the last of the nine Bar-Mitzva celebrations of nine grandchildren,
and as it seems: the last festive family-event for a long time [Mika's turn: in 7 years!]

When I came home with the dress and the pantyhose and tried them,
I hated the shoes, the only pair, that could be considered at all,
some 9 years ago bequeathed to me by my daughter.
I did not want to buy shoes, not because of the money,
but because I knew, my body - used to sandals - would suffer in any new shoes,
and definitely, if the shoes "needed" to be "elegant"

But having gone into this endeavor of buying the first dress after 16 years,
I didn't want to feel ashamed of my 3 daughters because of unfitting shoes!
I had a talk with "God", and I heard,
that I , at least, should go into one last endeavor, back to town,
and "prove" to myself, that there simply were no shoes for me on this planet.

I walked back all the way to the mall of Arad and entered through a different gate.
[I don't know why I was ashamed to re-encounter those friendly women in 2 shops,
who had supported me in overcoming my fear of a new dress, and of pantyhoses...]
The first shop was for sportive shoes, nothing I needed or wanted.
The second did sell elegant shoes, disgusting and not fitting in size.
I wanted to give up, but - lo! a third shop, also with elegant shoes!
I shared my ridiculous predicament with the saleslady.
She was human and she was professional and she helped me!
And I got exactly the kind of shoes that I had imagined.
[And both: dress and shoes - were cheaper than I had planned...]

Of course my feet hurt!
But they can bear the pain for the few hours of a festive evening
.
And, of course, walking on heels is an anathema for "Paula" and rightly so,
but I can make a game of it: clapping around the floor like my daughter-in-love!
So why did I fall to the ground on my way back down my"Wadi of Compassion"?

A hematoma - first swollen as the size of the fist - now blue-red and quite painful!




 

 

Among other precious items , there is a heap of old postcards next to my bed.
I'm careful not to reach into it, because too many memories would come up,
and I'm still not done with integrating what "happens" to me day after day.
But last night, I did grasp a postcard - from my mother to my father in 1936!

With strain I decyphered the tiny, tight Gothic handwriting on the back of the card.
"After the Peter (obviously another card with a child), I'm now giving you a little Christel!"
I was struck! The postal stamp indicated August 8, 1936,
my parents married in May 1937, and I, their Christel, was born in August 15, 1938.
How come, they knew my name two years before I appeared among this humankind?

And what about the prominence of the month of August in my family-drama?
On August 5, 1943- or so we were told 3 years later - my soldier father was killed.
On August 7, 1987, my first grandchild was born and on Aug. 8, 1981, her brother.
To add to "Elah" and "Alon" : Ayelet, the youngest grandchild, was born on Aug.14,1998,
she is 50 years minus 1 day younger than me, and also her parents were born in August.
Only 7 years later, not in August, but in December, Mika was born, the last of this generation
.


the hands
of my two youngest granddaughters
Ayelet was 10 and Mika was 3 then.
[from SongGame 2007_08_14]

Arad, Wednesday, January 19, 2011

When I told Yanina during our weekly phone-hour on Shabbat,
that the agreement between my daughter-in-love and me was,
that the "dosage" of my presence with her and Mika would be:
"only on those weekends on which husband/Abba is on flight"
,
I added: "I hope there won't be regressions in Efrat's strength."
"But regressions are a chance for strengthening the strength!"

And she told me the fairy-tale of the Shoemaker and the Dwarfs:


There was a poor shoemaker, who had leather left only for one pair of shoes.
When he got up in the morning, the leather had turned into splendid shoes.
So splendid, that he could sell this pair and buy leather for two more pairs.
He understood that little dwarfs were coming at midnight and helping him.
And, indeed,  the next morning  he found two pairs of magnificent shoes.
In time he became such a famous shoemaker, that the queen called him:
"I want you to make shoes for me!"

[by the way: see my old shoemaker-song!]

What an honor, but also what a terror! He bought the best of leather!
At midnight, when he peeped through the keyhole - no dwarfs came.
Nor could they be seen at 12:15, nor at 12:30, nor at 1 o'clock.
In panik the shoemaker sat down and worked like hell till dawn.
And what he came up with - were the prettiest shoes ever seen.


Conclusion:
We have to know, when it is right to accompany another,
and when it is right to let him/her walk and work alone.


Today I have completed the "Good-Bye-Present" to myself:
You are on your own now, as you have known since long:
Immanuel and Efrat, Ronnit and Uri, Micha and Ra'ayah,
Elah, Alon, Tomer and Mika; Jonathan, Rotem, Yael and Itamar; Arnon and Ayelet.

Today I also have completed the last of the compositions of
"Mika's Heaven on Earth",
inserted in 200 pages of SongGame 2007.
This last page bears the date July 23, yet another game with this number:


I have completed my soul's work of my lekhi-lakh
from 23 years of grandmotherhood,

which followed 23 years of motherhood.

23 + 23 = 46 = 4+6 = 1, ONE.
 I feel whole, I feel complete.

I feel zest-full and full-filled,
and continuously grate-full
.
[see my song about these goals!]
 I'm ready & ripe for the one,
who matches M Y vibration,
but who also is so different and so separate from   M E ,
that LOVE will express itself in hilarious CO-CREATING!

Abraham today, January 19, 2011

The Law of Attraction Assembles Happy Relationships~
Asking your relationship with any other to be the basis of buoying you up
is never a good idea,
because the Law of Attraction
cannot bring to you something different from the way you feel.
The Law of Attraction cannot bring you a well-balanced, happy person
if you are not yourself already that.
The Law of Attraction, no matter what you do or say,
will bring to you those
who predominantly match the person
who you predominantly are.


Everything that everyone desires is for one reason only:
they believe they will feel better in the having of it.
We just want you to understand
that you must feel better before it can come to you.

If you are not happy with yourself, or with your life,
the attraction of a partner will only exaggerate the discord,
because any action taken from a place of lack is always counterproductive.

Excerpted from the book, The Vortex,
Where the Law of Attraction Assembles All Cooperative Relationships,
see my own excerpts



 

Arad, Thursday, January 20, 2011, Tu-bi-Shvat, The New Year of the Trees

"A time for" being solemny serious and "a time to laugh" about myself [see song]
both concerning my letting-go of Grandmotherhood
and my letting-go of obsessive photographing.


I read what I wrote already on April 26, 2010 [on the page of SongGame 2007_04_21]
"This is the end of my intense, even obsessive creating
of photo-compositions of Mika's Heaven-on-Earth.
I'll look for criteria, which will help me to choose
only certain aspects of Mika's life and my life with Mika.
and again on May 1 (SG April25)
I promised myself on April 26, 2010,
that my intense creation of photo-compositions of Mika's Heaven-on-Earth is completed.
Since today, May 1, 2010, I'm looking for criteria,
which will help me to choose only certain aspects of Mika's life and my life with Mika.
The criterion for the composition on this and the following page -
which documents my presence at Shoham from April 30 till May 4, 2010 is:
"outstanding experiences with Mika and her family
"

Moonlight woke me up in the middle of the night.
'Is it Full Moon?' 'Oh, yes, it's Tu-be-Shvat today!'
Aren't 13 out of the 23 old pages, in which I inserted my "Ayelet" sequence,
called FULL-Moon FULL_FILL-ment?

And what about my beloved trees and their New Year?
Every Israeli thinks of the 40000 trees burnt in the Carmel Chanuca Fire.
And now we are told, that not even on Tu-be-Shvat should we plant,
but "Let Nature take care of itself", since Nature knows better than humans!


What about the 2 trees, which came with renting this one-room-flat 6 years ago?
The pomegranate tree was nothing but a shrub and it evolved beautifully,
but the apricot-tree
(why did the first owner plant a tree foreign to this desert?)
which stars so gloriously on this page, opened originally in June 2005?
It began to become sick already 3 winters ago,
with golden but sickly resin popping out of every branch.
Ofir, my landlord, took care of it technically and I talked to it lovingly.
Last summer even a lot of new shoots sprang up from the lower trunk.
And then it died and almost broke my morale, my hope for humankind.

I thought of the paradoxical prophecy of Isaiah 42:14-19 [see in Song-Game]
to which I had recorded a tune already 2 weeks ago.
Yesterday night I again immersed myself in text and tune.
It was during one of the commercial breaks of the "Big Brother" Reality Show.
[One of the participants, Yoav, cried in the "Confession Room":
"What's happening to me? I thought, I had no feelings!
This [the Big Brother situation] is tkhiat ha-regashot , a resurrection of feelings!]
Studying the prophecy word by word, I realized,
that I had overlooked the vocal under a word.
This changed the entire meaning.
Instead of: "The deaf hear", it is said in the imperative:
"ye deaf! Hear!"
and therefore also:
"Ye Blind! See!"

Because of this relevation I used the next commercial break
and asked to be inspired by another tune,
singing it from my heart in one go, while recording it on my digital recorder.

The crazy contradictions in the text made me see my dead tree
and my solemn statement about myself yesterday,
in a different light - as if they somehow would complement each other.

I got up from my bed, thus interrupting my intense process of integration
- by strong breathing (circular breath which I learnt in "Rebirthing")
- by loud vocal yawning (see "how I learnt Moving Emotion Techniques)
and of surrending to my Body's demand for twisting, wiggling, squirming,
which - because of the hematoma below my right hip - was often a bit painful.

I grasped my long skirt from the chair, threw a cardigan over my nightgown,
reached for my camera and stepped outside to photograph my dead tree.
It wasn't easy to catch the tree with the moon in its genuine illumination,
and I thought of Itamar and the camera, now replaced for what he truly needs,
and how he would do a better technical job than me .
After several attempts of catching the beauty which my eyes saw,
I returned to the dark room, slid off my velvet skirt and the cardigan,
and tried to sleep again - to no avail for along time.

I thought of Itamar and his last letter about having bought another camera.
Though the camera was meant as a gift for his Bar-Mitzva in February,
he used it already and sent me his "favorite photo" so far: see below!
I thought again - like the first time I saw it - 'what a sign and symbol!'
And I recalled the banale experience: photography teaches us to see.
Ha! there I am: delighting in both, in photography and in my grandson.
And I thought about Itamar's pregnancy, which was not taken into account,
and how my daughter thanked me for encouraging her to let him be born,
and about the Brith, celebrated with the greater family in his family's home,
and how I was so ridiculously stupid, to leave the celebration in the middle,
take a taxi [ I ?] to the airport, fly to Eilat, to a meeting with the municipality,
together with my RedSeaPartnerSHIP partners Albert and Mali!
One of the officials said to Mali, who had little Shalev with her:
"How do you dare to come to such a meeting with a baby in your arms?"
Nothing came out of this meeting for the realization of "our" (MY) vision.
When my daughter asked me for a name for the newborn, her 4th child,
I dug into my intuition and came up with "Noah", interpreted in Gen 5:29 as:

But Jonathan, the firstborn, then 8 years old, suggested "Itamar".
And since at that time my daughter still liked my "deep" thinking,
I told, during that Brith celebration, about Itamar, the son of the first High Priest
And this photo of Itamar, the tiny red flower below steps, isn't it a proof for this?

When I woke up and put my feet on the floor,
I saw yet another theme for a photo:
see below!


I turned around, away from the moon
and on the wall of my "castle" I saw this:
the shadow , not only of the dead tree, but also of ME.



 

 


The golden resin along the branches, which indicates the tree's sickness,
is now dead , too, dead and as if crystallized

The camera, put on "automatic" and "without flash" produced this:
The Full Moon as a heart between the branches of my dead tree!

 

 


Itamar - between sunlight and candle-flame,
from "the Four Elements, 2007"

"There is a red flower" was the title of our very first kids song, in February 1963. -  Now, in January 2011,
our grandson Itamar, born on Febr.24, 1998, .discerned it from underneath the steps, that lead from his garden to his home

 

When I woke up and put my feet on the floor, I saw yet another theme for a photo:
The colored long velvet skirt (from whom did I inherit this?)
that had slid to the ground around Ra'ayah's slippers in the middle of the round carpet,
of which my landlady had wanted to get rid of about a month ago.
Beauty, beauty everywhere , be it in a dead tree lit by the full moon or in human creations!

 

Arad, Friday, January 21, 2011, 10:30 AM
Qwiki of the Day - Jan. 21
"Did you know George Orwell died on this date in 1950?
He popularized paranoia with novel 1984 and invented the notion of "Big Brother".
Fortunately, he did not create the reality TV show of the same name..."
But perhaps - if Orwell had not warned of "Big Brother", we, today, wouldn't have a show, which "Resurrects Feelings"

I've worked for another 2 1/2 hours on "fine-tuning" the compositions of this page!
probably one of the rare times, if not the only time, I took 'all the time' to complete!

Now I'll walk to the pool and on my way to and fro and while swimming-swinging,
I'll complete imprinting into my brains, which have such difficulty to learn a song... ,
what that prophet said about the woman-in-labor and the deaf & blind messenger:

14 I have long time held My peace,
I have been still, and refrained Myself;
as a travailing woman I will cry,
gasping and panting at once.
15 I will make waste mountains and hills,
and dry up all their herbs;
and I will make the rivers islands,
and will dry up pools
16 And I will lead the blind by a way that they knew not,
in paths that they knew not will I guide them;
I will make darkness light before them, and rugged places plain.


18 Hear, ye deaf, and look, ye blind, that ye may see.
19 Who is blind, but My servant?
Or deaf, as My messenger that I send?

Isaiah 42:14-19, with some moderations of the bi-lingual online translation of Isaiah 42

Listen
to the song
on the page
with
10 prophecies

The first line
is composed
of 13 syllables
and so is the
second line.

The translators
who could
think only
in linear time,
assigned
the first line
to the past,
and the second
to the present.

But they have
no solution
for the other
contradictions!

I'm proud like a school-girl who was praised in front of an audience!
When, after a highly inspirational swimming and swinging in the pool,
I returned to the jacuzzi, just for dipping in a moment and warming up,
I happened to hear a man outside saying to one of the 4 women inside:

all Thy waves and Thy billows
are gone over me.
When he quoted the verse a second time,
I realized that that woman was my direct neighbor, Nitza.
"You must learn it!" the man outside the jacuzzi advised her,
and my neighbor laughed: "Then tell me, where I can find it!"
That's when I blurted - calmly..... : "It's a verse in Psalm 42!"
I wanted to add: I once gave it a tune! but I controlled myself.
Nitza said to the man: "You see, my smart neighbor knows!"
And someone else: "Who says that women can't learn Torah!"

I was proud! and forgot to ask about the context of this interaction!
Proud, not because of "women learning Torah", or "smart neighbor",
but because I knew, Nitza would report this incident to her husband,
and this typical Cain man, called "Shalom"..., may be more cautious,
when he'll be tempted to admonish me: "Be quiet, I want to sleep",
thus humiliating me and driving away my frightened Bedouin guests,
who just came from hard field-work to chat with me on the veranda.


What does it mean,
that I encountered this cherished song today?
It has been true for a life-time,
but now the waves are ~~~gentle!
Like in one of my wave-songs:

... a wave and another wave and then a ripple,
my heart is full, it's all YOU



I'm not going to sculpt - as I intended in the pool,
what "great thoughts about God and the World"
I was inspired with.
Nor do I know, if and when I'll continue with this diary.
If I'll "do" anything at all, it will be "driving backward".

There is not much pain and shame to heal any longer,
but there is much goodness to retrieve and to reap!


Postscriptum on January 23, 2011:
See about Immanuel's 48th birthday on the "Immanuel" page and the links to "My Desires" in November 2009



Continuation of "Finetuning to my Presence" on January 24, 2011