hodayot [thanksgivings] for today

My Body, my Partner, I give thanks to our nervous system, of which I know so little! Every neuron, every synapsis, all are functioning so perfectly, that I even have difficulty to become aware of this system, since nothing has ever been "out of order", as far as I remember. I give thanks to all the warm clothes, which protect me, including this sweater which my daughter wanted me to knit for her in 1993 and later bequeathed it back to me. 2013-I regret to have discarded it in the hope that Ra'ayah, Micha's wife, could make good use of it...

"Are you again finding excuses to postpone our work."

Yes, there is so much to share with you,
though "only" beads and berries and bubbles,
that I "can't find hands and feet in it", as we say in Hebrew.
Bear with me for another while,
until I'll have finished editing, inserting and composing
the snow&ice images.

"No problem! I am here! I'm enjoying also our co-creative work! "

12:24
There I am, no excuses anymore.
All the photos are properly inserted,
even those to the right, about which I'm going to tell in a moment,
and even the - so far not photographed - young Dommim-Tree,
which stood out so beautifully against the sun-clouded sky,
now, when I walked the dog to the entry of the Hill to let her shit.
Doesn't the young, waving tree on that glorious background
present a fantastic closure
of the Water-in-the-Wilderness sculpture? [see below]

"It does!
And I'm most pleased with our co-creation!
And also with your conclusion concerning those prophecies!
It was about time, that you reached them!
The desert - the "wilderness" - is, indeed, an interior state,
for "Water" symbolizes Feelings,
as you have explained to people over and over again.
Until the Mother's feelings will flow freely in our inner desert,
all exterior creations will be a curse more than a blessing.
The movie series of "The 4400", which you continue seeing,
exemplifies this in an over-dramatized but realistic way.

"Now let's go into your - our - beads & berries & bubbles! "

"Yes!
It started with a small, but dramatic event:
I returned the dishes from the drying-rack into the cupboard.
Since my children are less careful with the order of things,
I didn't know the right place of a certain glass-bowl,
a beautiful bowl of medium size.
So I placed it on another glass-bowl, covered with a glass-lid,
in the highest shelf of the cup-board above the sink tables.
I had not yet closed the door - busy with other dishes -
when I felt blasted - literally ear-blasted...
The first thing I saw was my tea-mug with its straw,
just ready to be taken into my room and drunk.

[I go to the kitchen to reconstruct and photograph that location..]

The plastic cup was on the floor, the tea spilled,
and only then I saw, what in German is called a "Bescherung".
"Bescherung" is actually the act of giving Christmas presents,
but in my case it meant: "I couldn't believe my eyes!"
Thousands, I'm not exaggerating, thousands of shards!
Dispersed in a radius of 5-6 meters.
The shards at least could be swept along,
from under the tables, chairs, fridge etc.
but the more I toiled,
the more I came in contact with nano splinters,
which stuck in the soles of my house shoes, in my fingers,
and who knows, where else.
What if I won't discover them all and Mika will....

"In such cases you simply forget all your trust, don't you?
Suddenly it's you, you alone, who is responsible,
responsible for what could happen to someone else
because of you, you, you!"

Yes, I'm sorry to admit.
Nor can I see, how I can do anything about this pattern.
Until the age of 40 my three greatest fears were:

- that I would die, before having accomplished my vocation;

- that one of my loved ones would die;

- worst of all: that I would become guilty of someone's death.

The first two fears left me long ago. But the third?
I can only give thanks ever so often,
that the fear is only a fear!


"So after 45 minutes, when the floor was literally licked clean,
what meaning did you find in these shards and splinters?"



"The meaning was in the way I responded!
Instead of getting mad at my carelessness
or sorry for "wasting time",
I truly took it as an unexpected game,
even the scrutiny of searching for microscopic splinters
was part of the game!"



"You see? ~~~~ I'm glad!
But there were more challenges and chances, right?"



Yes.
It started with Efrat's coming home with Mika.
She said, that she was very nervous, and this was obvious.
Neither was Mika in a friendly mood. especially towards me.
I even said - some 3 hours later -
"Mika is quite cold to me!"
"Yes, she probably felt my jealousy of you yesterday
and this is her response", we both laughed



"Don't forget that one scene,
when Yaffit, the neighbor, the wife of a plumber, came in.
You sat with Mika on the kitchen floor,
and suddenly she wanted you to lie back,
in order to ride on your swinging knees,
and this again and again."




Yes, this pleased me a lot!
After all, it was one of the favorite games with all my grandkids
especially with Tomer ,
whose advanced riding was animated by Immanuel for this site.

"So what about the need for a plumber?"

This was about 18:40, when Efrat, as usual, turned on the boyler,
so there would be warm water for Mika's bath.
But alas! -
the lights went out, the computers, the air-conditioning,
and Efrat's first anger was, that she couldn't find the flashlight.
Aren't we always finding somebody to blame as first reaction?
In this case it was "only" Natu, the Russian cleaning woman,
(who by the way is still in detention, since there's no money to fly her back to Russia)
Efrat tried again, the third time Mika cried, afraid of the dark.
Then a rush of actions and interactions,
and Chaim, the plumber, came.
Because of the sudden cold the motor of the solar boyler was gone.
The problem was more severe than expected,
and Chaim had to come again this morning for another hour.

"So how was this -
in addition to Efrat's tension -
a challenge for you?"

There "happened" another technical failure:
When I - later - wanted to open the TV in my room,
to see two half-hour programs as planned,
the screen stayed dark, though the control lamp was on.
The sudden short-cut ot the flat's current had paralyzed it.
When I told this to Efrat, she really got mad.
Not at the electricity, not at the boyler,
but at her husband,
as so often, when it comes to the TV-DVD and Computer Systems,
"which are arranged in such a complicated manner,
that only he himself can repair a technical failure!"
There were more words than these - a discharge of anger."

I found my way into the maze of cables
and disconnected both the TV set and the cable modem.
To no avail.
And now the good news about myself!
I simply said:

and even dared to ask Efrat, lightly, with humor,
if I could see the programs on the TV in the living-room,
which meant that she couldn't see what she herself wished to see,
unless she went to her bedroom.
She consented - grumbling - but I didn't shun away,
but took it lightly, can you believe it?

"that somebody gave up a tiny will for your sake?
yes! that's a step into freedom!"

But that lightness was only the light part of my

The difficult part was to listen to her ongoing anger about my son.

By the way, the last few sentences have been written,
while my daughter-in-love was already in the house.
She left her work more than 2 hours earlier,
since "I have so much to do in the house."

"You felt transported into the daily situation of your childhood,
but you no longer felt like the child you were then:
taking all the "utterings" of your mother literally,
taking the blame for everything that was maddening her.
Nor did you rush around to "help", to "make it easier",
only to hear, that whatever you suggested, wouldn't help anyway."

You were with me there, you with your laughter!
I could even laugh secretly, when I could actually perceive,
how both of us were staging this triggering.
"What is this hair on your finger! Really!"
"You shall not eat this old stuff, there's a limit to everything!"
"Why did you use this rag! See, the right one is over there."



As to me,
every time the old pattern of defensiveness wanted to jump up..
as if I still were poor little Christa 60 years ago.
But I kept quiet and laughed at myself!

"If you could feel, how glad I am,
my peer !
But please understand once and for all,
that it's relatively easy to release big judgments, big patterns,
and that the smaller the triggering issues ,
the greater the difficulty to even become aware of the patterns,
leave alone to release them.

[January 10, 2011,
Thank you, for having let me come across this page today,
after the immense work I've done in a similar situation,
see Learn&Live 13 [and also 12 +14 +15]
and before I'm going to meet my daughter-in-love tomorrow!]

"And I agree with your grief about all those "rays of my sun",
who annunciate the coming "Heaven on Earth",
and proclaim the Peace, the Light, the Love of it,
but do not look into the small and smallest
clefts and cracks, crannies & crevasses,
in which the old denied, unhealed feelings
lurk and prowl,
waiting for their chance to sneak out
and attack and destroy
all that beautiful Heaven on Earth.

"Thank you for working on healing
that ancient conditioning of yours!
And now tell me more of yesterday's successes!"

I will.
But first let me amuse you with this:
I did eat that "old food" , a kind of delicious jam, secretly,
while Efrat was on the phone trying to correct my blunder:
I had given Chaim the check, but had not asked for an invoice,
needed to get the money back from this flat's landlord.
"Secretly" - so many things I hid from my mother,
some of them made me feel guilty, but most didn't.
It became a way of life to do things secretly even if not necessary.
I'll not fight this pattern, - it's funny and nobody is hurt by it.

"Yes!
Do differentiate between what comes first and what later!"

I took Efrat's mother's food which I had warmed up for myself,
and while returning to my room, said:
"Please call me, if you need me",
trusting her, that she would relax in time,
and that I need not burden her further
by identifying with her tenseness,
or worse - by feeling responsible for easing it.


"Wonderful!
Now get some sleep,
and share with me later,
how you coped so well with the blames against your son."

16:23
I did fall asleep for a few minutes, which was enough.
Before returning to you, I wanted to show myself to Efrat.
We met at my door, because she, too, felt a need to see me,
the pretext - to ask my opinion about the simple meal,
we would cook at my house in Arad on Shabbat.

"You know how I feel pressured by these "projects",
to plan and shop and cook for the Eve of Shabbat,
to plan and shop for Shabbat."

"I know too well, how you feel, and it won't help,
if I tell you, that none of this is necessary."



It won't help, because you know, MY PEER,
how I used to be the world's champion
in pressuring myself unnecessarily with such "projects".
Of course she got down on me:
"What other options are there tomorrow?
Immanuel returns from Los Angeles at 15:00,
only to go back to Tel-Aviv and fetch Tomer, etc. etc.
He simply won't have time to do the cooking (as he does usually)."

I suggested one option:
"I myself could cook for a change!"
"Oh yea? and what exactly?
Wouldn't you need ingredients for this?"

Then she stuck a little doll on my self-knitted sweater
and said how pleased she was with her gorgious cake,
now spreading a pleasant smell from the oven.
I sighed with relief.

16:37

"I'm going to fetch Mika", she called, so I went to see her off.

"We'll pass by the Supermarket to buy a few things,
can I bring you something to spoil you?"
I smiled:
"I can't think of anything, I have all I need!"
"Maybe ice-cream?"
"When it's cold like that?"
"We could turn up the air-conditioner and eat ice-cream".

I know, that she doesn't eat ice-cream
and only searched for a way to make up for her former tension,
so I said: "Yes, buy ice-cream",
"Dulce de Leche"?
"Yes, Dulce de Leche".

"I am on my way out from my craziness", she added.
"Cooking just isn't for me.
I've cooked for 7 years for my first husband - a nightmare.
What a wonderful husband do I now have, a chef,
who does not only do all the cooking, but loves it!"

"Isn't that a wonderful conclusion
of the story you still haven't told?"

"Yes, as if she had heard my inner dialog with you,
which I still want to write,
so as to be able to savor and internalize my lightness
instead of falling into the trap of triggers.


Go ahead:

Most every mother rushes forward to defend her child,
if the child - be it 5 or 45 years old - is blamed.
But what was triggered by Efrat's blame of my son yesterday,
and not for the first time, and not only from this daughter...
was much more complex.
Please listen to the feelings which were triggered.
And if ever anybody should read this communication,
take care that they truly remember:
My loving spirit does not blame anybody,
not even myself.
But my pain wants to move in YOUR presence.

Trust and go ahead:

(1)
'My mother didn't have a husband at all,
leave alone one who would fix all technical faults.

(2)
'My daughter and my two daughters-in-love
are terribly spoiled in household matters.
When it comes to technical things,
there is no question, who is due to do the job.
And this despite the fact,
that Immanuel and Uri (- Micha only when needed),
do all the cooking as well.'

(3)
This passage I'll insert as "Healing&Harvesting my Past"
[see to the right]

'I myself, not very clever in technical things,
manage to solve problems,
though I once was sure, I couldn't do it.
The electrical system in my "castle" in Arad, for instance.
3 sockets, but 20 devices which need current.
And all cables and connections hidden from the eye.
I remember my mother saying in a one-time moment of grace:
"Sometimes I know, why my husband had to leave me:
so I would get out of my total dependency on him!"

"And you are proud and even grateful for the dowel-lesson!

" Still there are neglected pains from the past,
and the present pain of having nobody to lean on.
That's why you create this trigger with you daughters.
And whenever you feel triggered,
you neither act it out nor deny it,
but are grate-full for having become aware of the pain,
and then you breathe-move-sound it.


" Then you might also become more aware of the fact,
that you are not at all without technical helpers.
Think of your three sons, including your son-in-love Uri,
and how they built the hexagonal shower together by hand,
since you did not yet have a generator at Succah in the Desert,
to use electrical tools. [1990]       [See in a page I completed today!]


"And your son Micha worked for days on the Ya'acov Succah.
and the access track up to the water-tank. [1990]


"It was Uri, who was the first to show and explain to you
how web-sites work and e-mails (in 1994 or 1995).
It was Uri, who proposed an effective device
of cutting the netshade for the pyramidal tents. [1996]
At Modi'in [2001-2004] Uri often helped you with computer problems.
Not to mention your eldest son,
who taught you how to set up and maintain this website
and who helps you in every aspect of computer softwares,
As to the hardware, I sent you Eduard in Arad.
And as to other technical devices, there is your landlord Ofir.
And as to cooking, nobody asks you to cook any longer,
no husband, no children, no guests in Succah in the Desert,
and when you have your grandchildren with you,
You've tested with them a few favorite dishes,
which need no planning, no pressure.
I emphasize these aspects of your life,
not in order to deny your feelings of resentment and envy,
but in order to heal those faster.
For the most wondrous healer-
in addition to breathing, moving, souding -
is grate-full-ness, isn't it?"



It definitely is the greatest healer!
Thank you for letting me see my helpers
from this broad perspective!

After having sweeped the shards and splinter from all over the kitchen,
part of the living room and even part of the study room
they formed a nice pattern , like composed by an artist!

Chaim the plumber has to work extremely hard to get the solar boyler going again

Some days ago, when we celebrated Immanuel's birthday

Efrat's tiny doll next to the Tomer pendant,
given to me also by Efrat, Nov. 2002,
when I began to be Tomer's foster-grandmother

1990, my son Micha helped me with completing the Yaacov Succah
1990, Micha fills the water tank - after he and two boys from Germany -
completed the access track up to the point which was high enough (4 m),
to let the water flow by gravity to kitchen and outside sink for filling the jars.

Micha, so loyal, so caring,
drove his motor-bike for 6 hours in rain and snow,
from the Technical University in Haifa
in order to see if his mother was still alive
- there --- in the desert.
On his track from Mitzpe-Ramon
which was no track any longer
he fell 3 times,
and once his foot got trapped
and part of his expensive driving-suit fell away.

As for me I was not alone.
Another "son" stayed with me, he alone;
while the other guests, a religious couple, called "Gold" ,
fled in the middle of the night , before the storm,
just leaving me their payment in the kitchen and excusing themselves,
Uri Goldin, a soldier on "Regilah" one week leave, insisted upon staying,
though I urged him to go and warmed him of the dangers.

That snow stayed on the earth for ten days.
But it snowed again, and then a third time.
Once I took a walk to the Ramon-Crater
and could do nothing but exult,
believing strongly that this was a sign,
that all the prophecies about "Water in the Wilderness"
were soon to be manifested.
[See also the library of my creations,
called "Water in the Wilderness"]

Soon after that I made an album with all the photos
of snow and ice
and melting rivulets.

But it perished in the great fire in 1998,
together with my 20 folder archive,
bequeathed to Succah in the Desert
after I did my final "lekh-lekhâ" with my bus
in April 1996,
and went "down to Sinai"
to invent a more suitable model for my Desert-Vision
the "Pyramidion".


16 years after that snow,
which was terrible for our Bedouin neighbors,
but exhilarating for us in "Succah in the Desert",
there is still no sign of "Water in the Wilderness",
at least not in the exterior desert.

Maybe - I should ask MY PEER about this -
maybe it's not at all the exterior desert,
meant in those prophecies.
And that's why I am - on this day - not meant to be at Arad,
leave alone at Mitzpe Ramon.

For if at this time there really would be
"Water in the Wilderness",
wouldn't people come and
instead of a Space-Purity-Silence hosting business,
rape the Earth with more skyscrapers and highways
and everything that suffocates real living and loving?