See below, what I inserted in January 2011!

InteGRATion into GRATeFULLness
Close-ups of my Past

2007_07_26: Closeup of 2006_07_26; last update: 2010_04_17

Yearning for Partners

2006_07_26-Wednesday, 15th day of war
and second day of humming baraka-charisma into my life and onto the World
thus sounding from my HEART into ARARAT

[About humming baraka-charisma, see also in "Depression, Accident and War"]

8:00 I couldn't sleep much after one of those new "good" movies,
which focus on everyday life dramas,
in this case a woman – already successful – inherits a hotel in Saalsberg
and finds the right people , friends and the architect, who becomes her lover and partner.
to create a beautiful hosting business for the clientele of lovers.

The subject material was so close to my own hosting experience,
that the abyss between this woman's success with partners
and my own "failure" of finding TRUE Peers and Partners became painful.
But then I had an interior talk with YOU.
You said something like:

"Your potential partners are on this planet now "in the millions".
[an expression from "Bringers of the Dawn": "You are here in the millions"]
But if you would find each other
and would change the exterior world for the better,
it would leave behind the Cain&Hevel people even more.
We told you ever so often,
that this is not a time for manifesting new creations,
this is a time for you, who came to make the "train come",
to take responsibility for healing yourself into wholeness,
for only by doing so, will you heal the world into wholeness,
and only then will the time be ripe for co-creating with peers."

So I asked:

"But why didn't you let me know this in the first place?
Why did I have to work so hard and suffer so terribly and feel such a failure,
because I thought, it is MY FAULT that I couldn't and can't attract real partners."

In Febr. 1999, after the "failure" at Metzoqe Dragot,
David Troim had told me bluntly:
"you don't have partners, not even I am a true partner for you."
Nor did he claim to be one.
From the beginning he said:
"We are not equal."
The two men, one in the beginning and one in the end, Martin and David,
they were great enough to tell me:
we are not equal, you are the stronger one.

All my pathetic "partnering", sculpted so skilfully in "RedSeaPartnerSHIP"!
and then ~~~~
during the 3 "projects" of Noah's Ark, Noah's Shore, Ararat Heart
I did it all over again: Partnering~~~~

You answered:
"Like with all the situations of your life, created by your wish "to save humankind",
you grew immensely.
You had to try every possible path and approach
in order to win over and keep "partners".
Only now you can truly let go - and truly wait for the time to come.
And – with some humor – you know the deepest secret,
that HEART split itself for the sake of –one day - having partners and peers."

[This year, July 2007, I "engraved" this as a slogan :]

"In the hide of your face" - "Under your wings" - "In the hide of his tent" - "In the hide of his hand"

"Yes, I am so deeply and highly grateful,
and even have tears in my eyes now,
for knowing, that it is not my personal obsession ,
but that in this desire for peers and partners I'm one with you,
expressing, representing and striving for this goal with all my life."

After an hour and a half of not being able to relax,
I opened the TV, channel 2, and zapped into a moving movie, based on a true story,
which brings to life the fact, that
in the US one million children have parents in prison.
Only in two states the mothers are allowed to have their babies with them for a year.
80 % of the women in prison have children outside.
Most of them are single parent mothers.
also 80% of the women are in prison for "non-violent" crimes
[drugs, property offenders, public order offenders]
the woman, falsely in prison for15 years, is advised by a black inmate,
to ask for clemency and NOT for a second appeal
-because then they do not have to admit, that they were wrong,
but can guard their self-respect
but this also means, that when you come out, you have a drug dealer record.
The movie shows, that the innocent sufferers are the children,
which in turn drives them into the arms of crime ….

This whole drug persecution leads towards more and more criminality
like the bombarding of Lebanon etc. leads towards more and more terrorists.

Back to my own healing,
..........

to former accidental closeup of my Past to next accidental closeup of my Past

2011_01_11

I opened this page to check if it had free space (the limit is 1300 kb!) for the sequence of the 90 photos,
which I chose from Arnon's slide-show about his sister Ayelet [continuation of "Grate-full to the Seven"]
This is how I found the sentence (in Hebrew on 2006_07_26, on the 15th day of "my" Second Lebanon War):

"Today it became clear: I have to hide myself!
I'm a grandmother and nothing more!"

Mind you! This was said as contrast to my "Yearning for Partners".
Now, on this special date I , too, will go out from a kind of slavery!
First thing when I woke up: I sent an SMS to my daughter-in-love:
"The date of your Exodos from Egypt contains 5 times the number 1!"
She not only leaves her job, but she is ready to leave "employers".
She is ready to employ herself,  to work  i n d e p e n d ently.

For me this is the date of applying and testing what it means:
after 23 years of motherhood and 23 years of grandmahood
I want to be only myself, myself as yearning for partners,
or more exact NOW:
yearning for a true partner to love,
a partner who is truly equal to me!
A partner with whom to co-create!

The seal on "my going out from grandmahood" is :
that I'll no longer shoot "Mika's Heaven-on-Earth"!
Only if there is a "historic" situation, I'll document it.

Also - the flood of images on Ayelet's celebration -
my Lupa-book! her Lupa-book (Ayelet as model),
her uncle's movie! her brother's show of 344 slides:
I feel totally overwhelmed with too many pictures...

The more so, that in the same month of December
I let old slides & negatives be scanned in a shop.
I always gathered pictures, from early childhood.
But then photos - even in magazines - were rare.

Since the "Box" I bought at age 14, I photographed,
obsessed like my father and like my mother's father.
And, indeed, so far these documents were valuable.
The Carmel-Fire burnt the home of Russian orphans;
it touched me, what was said on TV:
"Gone are the pictures of their parents!"

But now I'll "go out" from the Slavery-of-Photographing.
My "Good-Bye-Present" to my 23 years of Grandmahood,
will be 90 pictures from Arnon's slide-show about Ayelet,
and most of the material which I collected for Ayelet's book
"The Life which Ayelet has not known", i.e. until her age of 5.

Like in Arnon's slideshow, there won't be subtitles,
though I am familiar with many of the situations,
and, of course, know all the "co-actors" of Ayelet.

Continuation of this "Good-Bye Present" to my 23 years of Grandmotherhood,
i.e. of the sequence of Ayelet's life in Arnon's slide-show on Ayelet's Bat-Mitzva
in "Full-fill-ment in Work"