Shoham, Monday, December 13, 2010
Coping with and integrating what happened yesterday.

After the 8 hours to, in and from Ramat-Gan on December 12, 2010,
I'm staying a day longer, though Immanuel safely returned last night.
This morning (on which the weather is still terrible) he took the time to tell me,
how he and his 3 co-pilots navigated their plane from Hongkong above Israel
through the formidable clouds and even more formidable lightenings,
and then he told me about his success with the El-Al simulator in China,
where he managed to introduce a 'lesson-plan' for the Israeli pilots.
This was as much the result of his unbelievable technical skills
as of his unbelievable skills in "human relations".

I was deeply thankful and highly proud of my son,
[see also about his promotion as Lieutenant Colonel in the reserve of the Air-Force]
but I also pondered again
the correlation between the extremely talented people on this planet,
and what each and every human owes to their contributions,
and my personal task in the puzzle of the one humankind.
I would like everyone to know and apply what  I learnt, know and apply,
but do I demand from others
to know and do, what my son knows and does?

It is clear, that my pain,
that hardly anyone on this planet knows about vital laws
like "that Will and Spirit need to unite in Heart and Body"
and "that everyone is the perpetrator and the victim"
and "that everyone creates his/her own drama" ,
and most of all
"that feelings have to be moved physically to heal, evolve and show the way",
is the pain of my Ego.
For just as much as those who "invented" electricity or telecommunication,
on which every single person and society are depending now,
did this for the entire humankind,
my work on "feeling all I feel" (see former page, end)
will one day be the basis for all human living on this earth.

Everything that I attract into my exterior drama,
like those horrid flooded, stormy 8 hours to, in and from Ramat-Gan,

come to teach me
to become more of an "expert" in "my field",
MY FIELD of FEELING.
And if the experience with myself yesterday of not having been a big hero,
in facing the cold , the wetness, the storm , the chaos of transport etc.
seems to tell me:
"You're not yet doing a good job in feeling all there is to feel, "
I also understand,
that just as electricity and telecommunication evolve more and more
and do so because of stumbling-blocks, obstacles, crises,
I do my job for humankind by stumbling and falling and getting up again,
and not judging myself or anybody else,
but accepting that I'll never get it done, nor can I ever get it wrong,

Moreover - I'm proud of being able to attract "good people" into my life,
Shmulik at "Stoneage", the Crystal-shop, with his tea, chocolate and humor,
and the Jewish immigrant from Armenia,
who paid for more than half the horrendous taxi-fee for me,
and at home the caring of Efrat and her neighbor Zilla,
and that, in the end, there did go a train from Tel-Aviv to the airport,
and that finally - frozen as I was - I did get a taxi from the airport to Shoham.
[read a more detailed, more analysing version of this experience on Jan. 4, 2011]

If I no longer would attract difficult situations like yesterday ,
I might become too estranged from what other people attract into their lives - most often much more terrible situations
as well as sickness and death of their loved-ones.
Nothing of this kind is in my life, [Dec.23: but sickness DID follow...]
and once in a while I need to be dumped into mud, mire, and morass,
so as to never judge people (inadvertantly and not justifying my judging!!!)
for attracting terrible dramas into their lives. [the sickness may be part of this!]

I'm so full of thanks, that YOU let me have only those 8 hours ,
and that my real worry, through all these 8 hours, the worry for my pilot son,
did not lead to anything "really bad".
There are traces of water on the walls of Mika's newly built room
and she will not be able to live in it till her birthday as we all had hoped,
and the mess in the house will still not disappear,
and Efrat will be nervous and frustrated,
but what is this compared to the distress of the people
who lost their home in Fire or Flood?
Leave alone the people who lost their loved-ones?
[January 6, 2011, but this "mess" became a crucial part of the horrid "staging",
which led to the eruption of sickness and of "the bad wave" on Dec.18...]

To accept my incapacity
to accept overwhelming feelings
in overwhelming situations-
this is now my task,
and if I'm so terribly tired and feel so zest-less,
I must take the time to rest and rest and rest
and not judge myself and not force myself to "do" anything...

After some rest:
A message from Rotem, that she DID pass her sixth driver-test!
Following the quest from her mother, I had "prayed" for this so much.

This lets me summarize all the other fulfilled "prayers" on this day:

The communication with my daughter yesterday was open and good,
though it did not promise the manifestation of my desire and dream:
"AZ NIDBERU":
"Those who see Ha-Shem will talk among each other,
and he listens and he hears"
[see this song in 5 languages above all pages of K.i.s.s.-Log 2008, from Aug. 5 till Dec. 31]
- She now not only strives towards acting as therapist for individuals,
but even registered in a certain school for studying psychotherapy.
Still she says - in opposition to my emphasis on "feeling-healing feelings":
"I don't get excited (mitragaeshet) concerning feelings (regashot)!
There are others things which play their roles in a person's story.
Nor do I accept your premise,
that I'm responsible for whatever I attract into my drama.
It took me a long time to liberate myself from this premise."
She no longer wants a wall between us, but she does want boundaries.
"I don't want deep talks! I prefer to chat or to talk about my children."

I told her my story with Irene in Ireland (she's the same age as my daughter). "Irene parted from me,
because - she said - 'my soul does not speak the same language as yours!'
One indication was exactly what you just now referred to:
my premise that we each create our own drama:
she refuses to accept this!"
My daughter agreed, that indeed this was a good way to put it:
that her soul didn't speak the same language as mine.
i.e. that this was the real reason for her separation from me for 7 years.
But that unlike Irene, the bond between her and me was much stronger
and that therefore -
to balance between my need for "depth" and her need for avoiding "depth"
was and will be a difficult task,
but that the past months since our first and last meeting in July showed,
that it was possible.
Because of this clarity and honesty
I feel at peace with her boundaries.
[Dec.23: See the old slides of my daughter's first pregnancy,
which I came across and which I inserted at the end of Learn&Live12]

Also my other "prayers" for yesterday were fulfilled:
I DID find the 3 intended birthday gifts, though with great difficulty.
[and for the price of my sickness, which I thought I needed to deny.. Jan. 6, 2011.]

Itamar, who will soon celebrate his Bar-Mitzva, was still sick at home
(after terrible pains and fear of appendicitis the two previous days,
with hospital and all) ,
which gave me the chance to discuss with both, him and his mother,
the idea of buying a digital sun-system for his Bar-Mitzvah,
an idea, in which I had invested an incredible amount of time (and pressure),
but which might not be right after all, as I was told by the company Delila.
Within an hour the two of us purchased a gift of the same financial value,
but so much more sensible:
a serious camera - since he, at his Democratic school, learns photography.


As to the two other gifts, which I had also planned for an entire year:
a serious globe and "Mica-crystals" for Mika's birthday on Dec. 20,
I am content with both - despite the 8 hours of suffering wetness and cold,
which were the price for finding and reaching and returning from the places,
where these items could be bought.
[Jan. 6, 2011: How pathetic was my effort here - to move myself into "good-feeling-thoughts"]

Now the only two "prayers" on the personal level are:
that Mika may stay healthy this week till her long awaited party on Friday,
and that my hitchhiking to Arad tomorrow will happen with ease and fun,
so I may enjoy 3 days of holy solitude in my castle before returning to Mika!

When I had come this far, there came the fulfilment of a "prayer",
which I had been phrasing for years and during the last months only vaguely - [believing (!) that it was not right time yet:]
the "prayer", that my daughter-in-love may find her real task and vocation.
I heard the couple talking, and not wanting to disturb their intimacy
stayed in my room.
But suddenly I felt, that I should at least go and ask,
if they wanted me there or not.
Efrat said: "Yes, yes, stay with us!"
Immanuel asked her: "Should I tell her?"
"Yes! Your mother says exactly the same things to me as you,
one by one!"
It was about her need - recognized also by her, but put off again and again -
to leave Levi Bar-Gil, her present boss, and all bosses for that matter,
and do her own thing, independently,
or perhaps with a partner, her friend Meirav.
I could see the "movement" , sense it, rejoice in it
and now I shall "pray" with intense intent.

She had to go somewhere and when I stayed alone with her husband,
I went into some details of the issue and also said:
"In order to be able to discipline herself, while working at home,
she needs a work place in the house which is all for herself!"
My son let himself be convinced easily - in fact it struck him like a lightening,
and - rushing to realize fast what he understands, just like his mother -
we went to measure out the space, a corner in their bedroom,
where this would be possible, once Mika could move to her own room.
Moreover: the place would be next to her husband's own desk,
so she could feel his support, even virtually when he was not there.
Also this work place will be on the same floor as Mika's room,
which will make her mother feel close and relaxed.

My son was pleased with all this input
and I thanked YOU with all my heart.






Gabriel says in his report and I want to repeat it as my desire:
"I feel so strongly that my work ripples out into the world
and brings healing to many people. "
January 6, 2011: DOES IT???????????
November 23, 2011: DOES IT???

Society: In canvassing, ... I was out on the street all day long, and each person I talked to was affected in some way by my cheerful presence. I also learned the basics of how to canvass effectively, a powerful tool that I have since used effectively for work that is closer to my heart than fundraising. I recently put these skills to use in an experiment on gift economy, in which I walked around Portland with a sign advertising my needs and my offerings, and used my canvassing skills to engage people and share the concept with them. In writing my output on canvassing, I created a manual for heart centered canvassing that could be very useful for organizations and individuals interested in fundraising and campaigning. I have not yet explored how this work could be shared most effectively.

Sustenance:Canvassing itself is a sustenance skill, and I can get a job as a canvasser if I need to. Also, all the skills involved, such as making good connections with people, using strong language, and perseverance and determination are important skills in any work environment. I chose to take this job as a canvasser because I was in debt to my parents, and needed to pay them back quickly. In doing that, I learned to suppress my deeper desires temporarily for the sake of making money quickly. Although this is a learning that I do not like, it is useful if I am in a situation where I really do need money quickly. I prefer, however, to follow my passion and trust that the work I am called to do will support my health and well-being.

Chapter 3: Soul Searching

Soul: This was a turbulent and productive time for soul work. I was still hurting from the abrupt end of my relationship with Alissa, and was undergoing challenging transitions in my relationship with another lover, Tamuz Shiran. Tamuz challenged me to explore my relationship with healthy, sacred masculinity, which I did through meditation and prayer, reading books such as Iron John..., and in my sexual connection with myself and with her. As a feminist who has always deeply connected with the feminine energy within me, I struggled with the meaning of sacred masculinity. The lack of healthy adult models of masculinity in media and culture has left me deeply confused about my own maleness. As a result of this and more recent work, however, I now feel much more comfortable with my maleness, and connected to divine masculine energy.

During this time period, I invented a holistic journaling tool... based on the four elements and used it to process my experiences, which deepened my connection to soul by giving me new windows into my experience. I also discovered my ability to relate to my ancestors in meaningful and powerful ways. This discovery began with my participation in a healing arts practice called Family Constellations, in which representatives are used to uncover and adjust the energetic dynamics within a family system. During this practice I experienced a deep connection and interaction with the energy of ancestors, both my own and those of other people. This led to my exploration of my connection with my own ancestors during a family vacation to Portugal, my father's ancestral homeland.

Society: Although my focus in this time was on Soul rather than on Society, I did experience a deepening in my ability to relate to others authentically and without fear. During our vacation to Portugal, I met two wonderful new friends, an italian couple named Maria Giuilia and Giovanni. I met Maria Giulia in a public square, by walking up to her and asking her boldly what her name was and if she wanted to talk. This friendship was deep and beautiful, and reminded me of my ability to quickly make friends with new people. Also, my work with my own masculinity has had an effect on my relationships, particularly with my lovers. I am more fully present and confident, particularly during sex, and more able to assert my own needs and desires generally.

Sustenance: During this cycle, I worked with Larry Huls of Larry Huls Designs building a fence in San Jose. He taught me several valuable principles that he uses in his work. ...

Chapter 4: Relationship design, Self and Other

Soul: In this cycle I looked deep inside myself. I sat a ten day Vippassana meditation course, a silent retreat with ten hours of sitting meditation each day. It was very challenging for me. In struggling with the rigid discipline and inward focus of this practice, I connected deeply with my embodied, outwardly focused spirituality. I feel that my soul work in this life is to embrace the body and all of its pains and pleasures. During the course, I was frustrated by the idea that aversion to pain and the craving of pleasure are the cause of suffering, because I saw it as a denial of perfectly natural instincts. “Its perfectly natural to avoid pain and seek pleasure,” I said to myself, “I don’t want to learn to stop doing those things, I just want to learn to do them better.” Despite my resistance, I did practice sitting with equanimity, and in hindsight I see that letting go of aversion and craving does help me to more fully experience my pains and pleasures, which I value greatly.

Society: Soon after the Vipassana course, I journeyed to Portland, OR to participate in the Village Building Convergence (VBC), a permaculture convergence organized by the City Repair Project. At the VBC, I connected with fellow Gaia University associates, which inspired me and made me feel great about my Gaia experience. I had a particularly deep and transformative interaction with Lily Ovadya, a Gaia associate, that I reported about in my OP 5, Life in the Hinge. We used a relationship design process based on the five step permaculture design process to design our time together during those two weeks. From this experience, I learned the power of expressing shared intentions and goals, as well as individual needs, in an upfront and open space at the beginning of a relationship. This was a powerful learning for me, and one that I continue to refine and work with, with Lily and others.

SustenanceL The major Sustenance skill that I practiced during this time was the implementation of a system of personal organization based on the book “Getting Things Done: the Art of Stress Free Productivity” by David Allen. I created and implemented a system for capturing and organizing all the things I need and want to do so that I can easily make efficient use of my time. This type of workflow organization is an important sustenance skill because it allows me to remain calm and present while attending to all the myriad challenges of life.

I also learned some practical sustenance skills during the VBC. I learned to mix cob, a great technique for natural building and a skill that could be used as part of a homesteading project or in the implementation of permaculture design work or any natural building project. I also practiced my customer service skills working the snack booth at the evening programs. I loved interacting with all the people who came to buy snacks, and learned that I could really love being in that kind of customer service environment, and using it as an opportunity to connect with people.

Chapter 5: Recharging my Love Battery

Soul: Camp Winnarainbow, where I lived and worked during this time period, has long been my spiritual home. Living on that sacred land, underneath the ancient oaks and bay laurels that I have come to know so well, and watching all the beautiful children laugh and learn and love, I connected deeply with my purpose in this lifetime. In dreams and meditations, I felt repeatedly that my calling in this lifetime was to be a healer of the earth, through intimacy and relationship with other humans and the natural world. I practiced the art of loving, and using the conscious practice of love to deepen my work as a mentor. I was challenged in this practice by fighting children, painful estrangement and intense reconnection with Alissa, and my own insecurities and triggers. When camp ended, I felt more loving and more deeply connected to myself.

Society: At Camp, I provided love and affirmation to hundreds of children, and learned to relate to them more effectively. Each year, working at Camp has been my major contribution to society. Every day that I work there, I know that I have changed forever the lives of these wonderful children, because my experience at Camp was such a huge part of making me who I am. By learning to relate to the kids with love and support, and to model clear boundaries with them, I build their self confidence and their ability to love themselves and each other. I feel so strongly that this work ripples out into the world and brings healing to many people.

Sustenance: Working at Camp is a marathon of learning around mentorship and teaching. Every time a child calls another child a mean name, or steals their candy, I have to jump into action and help those children learn to relate to each other with love. Every time I do this, I get to watch the results of my actions, and learn from them how to act more effectively. I also have many very experienced mentors available to ask for guidance. Working with kids has always been a passion for me, and is one of the income streams I intend to use to sustain myself. Working with kids feeds me emotionally and spiritually, and can provide monetary income as well.

Chapter 6: Diving deep

Soul: In this time, I dreamed powerful dreams and recovered a profound trust in the unfolding of my life’s pathway. I spent most of this time at Short Mountain Sanctuary, a Radical Fairie community in Tennessee. A lot was moving for me while I was there. It was my first experience in explicitly queer space, and it was a shock to process and relate to the very different social world of gay men. At the same time, my dear friends and lovers Lily and Marissa were there with me, and our complex and intimate relationship process was provoking a great deal of growth. ... This was the first time in my life that I have been so connected to my dreams as a source of guidance and strength.
After about two weeks living at the main sanctuary, I moved to a friend's small cabin in the woods nearby, with no electricity or running water. This experience of deeper isolation gave me plenty of space and time to process, and to really deeply be with and nourish myself. Mattie, the man I was living with, was a wonderful mentor for me, and taught me a lot about holding space for others with love. He shared with me his two guiding questions, which resonate deeply with me: “What is true in this moment?” and “what does love look like?” After two weeks there, I sat a vision quest for twenty four hours, not eating and staying within a small circle of sticks I had laid on the ground. In this vision quest, I had set an intention of deepening my trust in the unfolding of my life’s pathway, and seeing my connectedness with all things. While I was sitting on the mountain, I dreamed, sang, breathed, and slowed way down. Watching the sun move slowly across the sky, I let go of many of the anxieties about the future that had been following me, and experienced the joy of simply being...

Society: In my relationships at Short Mountain, I explored the idea of consent and learned to better express my needs and desires. For the first time in my life, I connected intimately and sexually with other male-bodied people. In order to feel safe in this hugely challenging experience, it was very important for me to be very clear about my needs and desires. I practiced asking people “can I put my hand on your knee?”, “can I rub your cheek with my hand?”, and “will you hold me while I cry?”. By being really specific and asking for each touch, my partners and I were able to remain totally present with each others needs and comfort levels. This created really deep intimacy and trust between us. Since then, I have felt more comfortable expressing my needs and desires and have noticed an increase in intimacy and a decrease in anxiety in my life.

Sustenance: My experience on vision quest was essential in creating a foundation for sustenance. I returned to trust in the abundance of life, and the knowledge that my existence is supported by the universe. This deep and abiding trust frees me to be more daring in my exploration of the world and all it has to offer, and sustains my emotional and spiritual well-being. In addition, I learned the basics of HTML and web design in creating my output 5: Life in the Hinge.

Chapter 7: Reflecting and Relating

Soul: Here at Earthaven, I have reflected on my year's work and gained an overview of my pathway. In writing this Learning Review, I have seen clearly that my center of gravity in my life right now is in Soul and mystery. This has provoked the revelations described in the section of this review entitled “Looking Forward.”

Society: By observing life here at Earthaven, I have learned a lot about living in community. I have taken note of some of the processes and structures of this community, such as consensus council meetings and their complimentary currency system, and talked with members about their feelings about those structures. I have also witnessed some serious issues arising in the community. This community seems to be struggling right now to hold itself together, and to fully live its vision of itself as an experiment in creating a new culture. Many people here seem to me to be pursuing their own individual lives over and above the life of the community, which causes tension. Many also seem to be isolating themselves out at their private home sites, which gives the community a feeling of individualism and privacy, rather than one of vibrant openness and connectedness. I have learned that I want to live in a community where the core organizing principle of the community is healthy, harmonious, and holistic interrelation of the people that live there.

Sustenance: Here at Earthaven, I have had several discussions with people about their personal holistic health and self-care practices. I have been inspired by people who care for their health using herbs, homeopathic remedies, energetic healing modalities, and more. I look forward to researching these topics more and developing my own holistic self health care practice.

And so my year comes to a close, and the spiral continues...For a taste of what’s to come, see Looking Forward,

Looking Forward
The purpose of this section is to use the experience of reflection in the rest of the output as an opportunity to look forward at my next steps, and create the core of my learning contract for my next program year.

The purpose of my education, in Gaia University and in life, is to further my unfolding development as a human being, towards full embodiment of my Soul, my ultimate place in relationship with all things.

Every skill that I learn, class that I take, or certification that I pursue, is in service to that goal. In order to achieve that goal, it is useful to have a model of what soul-centric human growth and maturation looks like. Bill Plotkin provides such a model in his book “Nature and the Human Soul.”

......When I read this book, I was amazed at how closely it aligned with my beliefs and feelings about life, and how useful the model was for me. Everything seemed to fit. This model provides me with a clear sense of what I need to do in order to move towards greater wholeness and embodiment of my Soul. In reflecting on the eight stages of the Wheel, I have come to see myself as being somewhere in the stage Plotkin calls “The Wanderer in the Cocoon”. This is a stage of psycho-spiritual wandering, in which the goal is to let go of the adolescent identity and explore the mysteries of psyche and soul. It is a time of darkness and chaos, dreams and visions, and soul encounter. ....

It is not yet time for me to focus on learning skills for delivering my gifts to the world. This will happen in the next stage, “The Apprentice at the Wellspring”.
(This is extremely important, because for some time now I have been inappropriately attempting to pursue the tasks of the next stage, without having completed the one I am in.)*

In order to create my Cocoon I will fully “leave home” by establishing financial independence from my parents.

*Note: In a mainstream educational pathway, the purpose of a college education is to prepare you for a career, or at least to create possibilities and acquire the necessary knowledge and certification to have various career options. As stated above, this is NOT the purpose of my education. Driven by social pressures, from my parents and from United States culture generally, I have spent a lot of energy in attempting to decide what kind of “career” I might want to pursue, and acquiring the skills necessary to pursue it. According to the wheel, this is extremely developmentally inappropriate for a person in the Cocoon stage. In the Cocoon, the Wanderer discovers their Soul, their Ultimate Place in the world, and the gifts that they are meant to bring to the world community. Then, in the Wellspring, they begin to learn culturally viable methods for delivering those gifts. This does not mean that Wanderers do not need to learn sustenance skills. In order to fully leave home, the wanderer must establish what Plotkin calls their “survival dance”, the temporary way of sustaining themselves that will allow them the independence they need in order to find their “sacred dance”, the way of being in the world that allows them to embody their Soul and offer their gifts to the world community.

[Read also Gabriel's Output Specification !]