I focus my experiencing and awareness on being
"a   pioneer of  Evolution  in  learning  to  feel":
I let my Body vibrate and my Heart 'womb'
pain, shame, fear, boredom, powerlessness,
so feelings can >heal >guide>fulfill>evolve,
and ~~~ offer ~~~"goldmines"~~~ to us all!!
"I want you to feel everything, every little thing!"

The Dream

The situation was all too familiar: preparing a big dinner for some 12 people
in a very narrow space, almost like the bus, where there is only solar energy.
People do help and I even say to Yael, who had an idea for a small dish:
"Why do you do this alone.?"
but the main warm dish is already on the table and getting cold,
when people loose patience and sit around, though not invited.
There is - arranged in a circle - the first dish, like a Muesli, but more complex.
I seem to have explained, that each one should eat the part in front of him
and that s/he will find a paper clipping inside with a meaningful quote for him/her.
"Usually?" a man , whom I didn't know, says, "I hope also right now!"
And I - in fear - say, "yes also right now!"

I rush around somewhere away from the gathering, in narrow places, as narrow as the bus,
and frentically think of a quote for everyone and how to write it and hide it in the Muesli,
"if the computer were open, I could type all the quotes on one page, print it, cut the pieces etc., but with the solar power it will take too much time to do this".
In utter despair I have a little vision:
that circle of food suddenly lifts into the air for a moment,
and on the table underneath in front of everyone something is written,
which is meaningful for that person. Then the circle sinks back on the table.
In the moments of awakening I translate this into a proposal:
"each of you will focus on the portion s/he wants to eat
- and imagine ! that inside s/he'll find a piece of paper
and on it the sentence that s/he most needs to hear and take in on this day."
And I know with great clarity, that this is an application of what my song says

Make it possible for him to learn and don't teach him!
Every wave knows by its nature who is its ocean.

When I lay awake after that dream, still pondering over it,
I was transported to "The Succah",
perhaps because of the "solar-powered computer" in the dream.
I heard Avi Dror on the phone again,
when I recently asked in the name of Immanue l& Efrat,
if we could lodge at Succah in the Desert on Nov. 15,
and if yes, if we could have the Yishmael Succah.

I think about the years since 1985:
how could I manage with all those incredible difficulties
- technical and organizational etc. (leave alone the authorities... )
and I felt grate-full again
that I was inspired by I don't know how many "angels" inside and outside
(just like the first experience of this kind when I planned my mobile home in 1984-5.
one problem was, that the gas tanks were not allowed to be installed inside.
But how could they be installed outside of a moving vehicle?
The inspiration: "build a hermetically closed metal box for two 12 liter gas tanks,
into the wall of the bus , to be opened only from the outside")

And how could sometimes 20 people sit around a meal, cooked by myself?

Yes, and how could Avi and Gadi host 36 people on that Pesach breakfast
and then the burning happened - 1998 [- mentioned, and also mentioned]
Gadi knew the "reason" then, and it surely was a lesson for Avi since
(to NOT expand the infrastructure beyond what merges with the earth)
but for me there is an additional message in it:
Avi has built the new Abraham,
and Avi has thrown against me:
"there is no Yishmael and there won't be any Yishma'el"
"Not at that place or not at all? " "Not at all".
[only now I see the dangerous symbolism in it:
a new Abraham and no Yishma'el anymore!]
"You always mention "once",
but there is no "once" any longer, it's all different now."

Inside there will always be "driving backward" to the Succah,
but I, Rachel, have to let go of it even more on the outside.
My children will not be able to lodge there like other guests....

]

2003_07_03

April 14, 2003, a journey into the past.
2100 years ago Avi Dror was a kind of Nabataean king in the area of the Ramon-Crater in the Negev Desert , and I was his oracle.
Since 5 years Avi is being "the guardian" of "Succah in the Desert", my scientific model of a future nature-compatible Desert Economy.
A nine-month "peace-process", which I kept facilitating between Avi and my former. and later Avi's, Succah partners Gadi and Efrat Lybrock
led to three woundrous results:
1) A separation in wholeness between Avi and Gadi, most poignantly epitomized by Gadi: "I don't need the Succah anymore to define my identity."
2) My own separation from that part of my desert vision, which seems to have had only a pedagogical purpose, and not to be physically realized.
3) The profound reconnection between Avi Dror and me, not only a reconciliation in this life, but the completion of what was cruelly cut-off THEN.

To internalize that "the kingdom was not lost a second time" , we made another, deeper journey into the past, to Khirbet Tzura and Tel-Godêd.
What Avi told me about this place, resounded in me:
"There in the desert we were attacked by some enemy and while I was dying, I asked you to flee with the rest of the people to this place.
They were relatives-by marriage, and they welcomed you, but you felt in exile and could never be really happy again."

Hirbet Tsura: the same gate - towards the night in 2003 - towards the morning - on the Internet

Can I live with NOT avoiding something that I fear would trigger
(like flushing the toilet in the last hour before Efrat and Mika get up)?
Can I live with doing something that might trigger,
like photographing in certain situations?
Both have to be carefully considered in each specific case,
and decided awarely,
not avoided or done out of patterned, unaware fear to trigger someone.
[Dec. 9: This contradicts the message, see "Kisslog- Intro" >end
that I should cease to work on my own "betterment" ...]

code: "Why didn't you flush the toilet", a terrible scene in Haifa 1964 .
Being pregnant I needed to pee at night,
but not wanting to wake up my husband, I didn't flush the toilet..........
Since then the dilemma recurs, whenever I'm not alone,-
even this morning at 6:50:
"I don't want to wake up Efrat & Mika before time!"
But when I heard their voices at 7:33,
and before E. brought Mika to this toilet....
I "managed" to rush to flush
[On Dec.8 Efrat preceded me ... and though it was the morning of stress,
I asked her about my traumatic dilemma: She found it absurd:
"Of course, you must flush, nobody will wake up,
do you want, that it stinks?"]
The toilet at Arad! [s. Febr. 18...) Even there I don't flush at night,
afraid it would wake my landlords above.

More finetuning:

I dare to say to Efrat, when she sees that the bread is almost finished:
"I told you in the past, that you can buy the subsidized bread!"
(she usually doesn't eat bread or anything else, "usual" people eat).
"This IS subsidized bread", she said - triggered.
"Is it?" I really wanted to know, if things had changed:
"In all my 44 years in Israel, the "lekhaem akhid" was of a different kind."
She became more triggered, interpreting my double sentence
as an example of intervention of which she is so afraid of:
"Immanuel shouldn't have told you about the Economizing Program,
for now you will make us crazy with your life-style, which simply isn't ours."
I tried "to keep it light" and laughed:
"Hide this program from me? I would have found out right away."
I should have given one example, that in the morning,
Mika doesn't get her expensive "Actimel" yoghurt any longer but vanilla-milk....


Another example of this morning.
"Efrat, I calculate that you have to come here 3 times during your office hours:
to bring Nella (put to sleep at the Vet's, since she needed an infusion) here,
to later fetch me and bring me to physiotherapy, and then to take me back,
I really could take a taxi (at my expense) at least once."
She again was so triggered (knowing, that I wanted to save her money, but also time,
since the deadline of her newspaper is close and after she missed 2 days because of her sickness,
she is pressured at work even more than usual) that she exclaimed:
"You stop making my calculations! I don't know what's the matter with you.
During this week you've become completely mad (slang: "hitkharfant legamre!")."

I wasn't triggered back, and my only question is,
if I should pressure myself even more - to refrain from "helpful" proposals,
or if I should stick to the details of "embodying New Heart", see end of Intro.
I decide in favor of refraining,
not only in order to not aggravate the tension between husband and wife,
leave alone add tension between one or both of them and me,
but because I need to learn the limit of my responsibility for the learning process
called "drama", the drama of Immanuel, the drama of Efrat, the drama of both.

And - perhaps even more urgent - I need to become healed and free
from acting on my pattern of "economizing" , which results in the dynamics of plus & minus:
the more I hold my money together, the more my co-actors "throw it around"...
When Efrat bought a Krembo for 2:50 Nis for Mika, she asked me, if I wanted one too, and I said: "no", - thinking of the not-so-tasty old cake which is still in the fridge
and which will nobody eat but me.
In fact, I already catch myself considering: "is this really necessary?",
whenever I take something from the fridge, which is not stuff, that's no longer valid
or cooked food, that should be eaten up by me, who is called "the terminator" by Efrat.
At home in Arad I've reached decisions in favor of some items like milk and butter,
which are not really needed to nourish Body:
I no longer buy brown sugar, and almost never coffee, but milk and butter I do buy.
Though my consumer behavior is effective
and an example for what in a not so far-away future
will be demanded from many humans on this planet,
it IS a pattern - and patterns are not attuned to the present situation!)
I decide to counter the pattern - and eat from their fridge whatever my tongue desires.
I shall vibrate the fear of "wasting their money",
or the fear of actually attracting an admonishing from their part
- but not act on those fears. [But see the finetuning to a trigger on Dec. 10!)

Wikipedia: Haim Yavin born Heinz Kluger on 10 September 1932), was one of Israel's leading television anchors.
Born in Oberschlesien, Germany, he later immigrated to Israel.

Between 1968 and 2008, Yavin was the anchor of Mabat (lit. "Outlook"),
the primetime news roundup on Israel's state television station, Channel 1, which he helped found. ...
He was often perceived as the "voice" of Israel.
One of his famous sentences was "ladies and gentlemen - revolution" ,
after Menachem Begin's Likud won the 1977 election.
He also served as chief editor of Mabat.

Yavin sparked political controversy with his five-part documentary series
The Land of the Settlers, aired on Israel's Channel 2 in May 2005.
The program concluded that Israeli settlements were endangering Israel,
and Israel should withdraw from the West Bank and Gaza Strip, with Yavin stating that
"Since 1967, we have been brutal conquerors, occupiers, suppressing another people."
Israeli settlers were outraged by this partisan approach by a leading newscaster.
At the time, Ariel Sharon's disengagement plan had not yet been implemented,
and the series was viewed as propaganda in support of it.
Many of the settlers, among them chairman of the Yesha Council, called on Channel One to fire Yavin.
Instead, the Israel Broadcasting Authority signed him on for another year.

In August 2007, Yavin announced his retirement, and he read the news for the last time on 5 February 2008.