image of the day

Separated by wires [see below]

hodayot [thanksgivings] for today

8:14
My Body, my Partner, my God

I give thanks to our capacity to now sit here,
upright on this chair in front of this fantastic tool,
the computer,
with no discomfort nor pain in any of our parts and organs,
in order to process what's burdening our Feeling.

I give thanks to that part of my present life-drama,
which takes place amidst "my holy trinity" at Shoham,
and especially to the continuous intricate mutual finetuning
between me and my main present actress,
my daughter-in-love,
and the rigorous training in living in wholeness
[I'm not yet able to phrase what this means in this situation]

The annual long birthday phone talk with Paz Ron
finally took place yesterday.

She and Yuval-David and Tamir,
are trying to establish an ecological community
at Neve-Eitan near the Lake of Tiberias.

When I told her about the article
"Mothers-in-Law" and "Daughters-in-Law",
she interrupted me with exhilaration:

"I don't have the problems other women tell about!
My relationship with Sarah, Yuval-David's mother,
is love, yes more than love."

I stressed, how encouraging it was to hear that,
and told her about the Ruth and Naomi story,
that symbol of "Heaven-on-Earth"
woven into the fabric of what I call
"the hidden female thread of redemption in the Bible".


How grate-full I am
for the chance to live and to report and to sculpt,
the process of training
between "Ruth-Efrat" and "Christa-Rachel".

the path stopped abruptly:
an ugly ditch,
a steep though short slope
and - worst of all - a fence
put an end to my "path-joy".
Needless to say,
that this was more than a physical stop.....

On the other side of that road
I could see the industrial area of Shoham.
One business there is "Osem" (pasta, soups etc.),
once known to every child
because of the jingle:
'zae tov- zae Osem'
"this is good, this is Osem!"
At this early hour every minute,
a yellow"Osem"-truck
moved along this fenced-in road

Forget about the future
and a closer access to nature!
Anyway -my groin is hurting more and more,
telling me,
that I just cannot walk such distances any longer!

But how do I get out of here right now?
Parallel to the road there was nothing
but thorns and thistles.
How metaphorical...

So I had to make my own path.
How fortunate,
that my feet - usually in sandals -
were protected by shoes!

There are always little circumstances,
called "fortunate",
which make a difficult situation easier to bear.

I give thanks!


And I remember my entry
to both: "God has Evolved"
and "My Life's Harvest":

The present, evolved "God" tells us:

"The path that you seek,
the right path for you,
is no path at all.
You will make a new path
that is uniquely your own."

Finetuning to my Present

"We deserve an entry in the book of "Guiness"
for the oversensitivity towards each other,
and the craving to please each other!"
I said to Efrat during our first interaction , at 7:10.
She coughed endlessly, looked terrible,
and was in miserable pain of body and soul.
"I was so afraid, that my cough wouldn't let you sleep,
that I sat up all night, to ease the cough,
and whenever the cough attacked me after all,
I was suffocating in panic."

What had I done!
"But yesterday night, when I came out of my room at 11 PM
still finding you in front of the TV, coughing endlessly,
and you said: "Go to sleep",
and I said with humor:
"I can't sleep anyway as long as you are coughing",
I said this only to cause you to finally go to bed,
so that real sleep could heal you!"

I laughed, when I told that, also to make it easier for myself.
Seeing that this didn't help, I tried something else:
- again with as much lightless as possible:
"Actually I wanted to ask your forgiveness for something else,
though for something much smaller than having caused you that panic!"

Efrat sat on her bed, putting her socks and shoes on,
and kept quiet.

"Do you want to hear my apology?"

She twisted her head towards me in utmost pain and despair:
"In a few minutes, please!
You forget that I'm not ready for talk in the morning."

Since I seemed to mess up everything,
I left the scene and the house to walk the dog,
but not before having approached Mika on her little mattress watching TV,
- daring to tell her - despite her usual rejecting behavior in this situation -
"please comfort Imma, she feels so bad!"
She understood.

So when I came back, the atmosphere was a tiny bit brighter,
though the morning rituals with Mika,
which are always stressful for Imma,
let Efrat's headache escalate even more.
"You may have to drive to Ben-Shemen without me!"

I tried to see the blessing in the curse and continued to radiate ease.
And then spoiled it again by meaning attention and causing tension:

Efrat was just ready to take Mika out to the elevator, when I said:
"Can you have a look at Immanuel's schedule (stuck to the fridge)"?
I think I made a mistake, when I told Deqel,
that they could fix the first Benot-Mitzva activity on Wednesday:
the next flight seems to be on Wednesday night, not on Tuesday night!"
Efrat checked, and yes I had - again! - misread the codes of the schedule.

"This means that I'll return to Arad Sunday morning",
I said in my stupidity,
"and come back to Shoham already on Tuesday afternoon".

"Yes, but you don't have to stay for the weekend, I'll go to my parents."
My stupidity wanted to win:
"But if I had understood that I needed to come only on Wednesday night,
and you'll travel to Acco already on Friday morning,
I needn't have to come at all - just for one day."

"Yes, you don't have to come, think it over!"
she said - already at the door.
I accompanied my two girls to the elevator, singing the usual :
shalom, shalom, shalom, shalom, le-hitra'ot, le-hitra'ot

but my aim - to make it easier for Efrat - had definitely achieved the opposite.
Why did I make her feel,
that coming here was "a sacrifice", as she fears anyway?
What is difficult is only the journey to and fro,
and it doesn't really matter, if there are 2 or more days between traveling.
Also - why am I still worried, when a plan doesn't work out as intended?
Couldn't it be, that my "mistake" was "staged",
so that I - and others - would experience something valuable?


Efrat came back and was sweet, trying "to make up" as usual,
and now I'll drive to Ben-Shemen alone!

12:05
An overwhelming amount of information at Ben-Shemen.
I left, before the "Open Day" was closed, to be here in time.
Efrat needed the car to fetch Mika from kindergarden,
as at this hour no taxi is available.

Having driven half way, I called Efrat:
"I could take Mika from kindergarden, so you could stay in bed."
She hesitated:
"But do you know how to tie her seat-belts?"
I said bravely: "of course", but this didn't help me.
She remembered that she had to pass by the office and deliver something
(though the newspaper team does not work on Friday...)
When I got out of the car and let her in,
she was sighing so heavily with pain and hardship,
that I needed all my inner trust to let her go on with exhausting herself.

At least, I can understand this pattern:
Formerly - the more I was pressured and exhausted,
the more I "grasped" situations
which were bound to cause even more pressure and exhaustion.

Which brings me to the drama of yesterday.

Ben-Shemen



Albert Einstein's Planetary System - in the little museum ,
the walls and floors of which are covered with photos
taken 70-80 years ago in this very first "Youth-Village"
founded in "the Land of Israel" 21 years before the "State of Israel",

Albert Einstein's telescope

"Why is my husband never here, when I am sick?"
was one of Efrat's discharges of her misery today.
The fact is, that she was sick already during Immanuel's presence,
but every endeavor to make her rest and heal was, of course, in vain.

Yesterday (Immanuel went on flight at 8:40, as I've told)
she seemed to feel better, for she asked me:
"After kindergarden I'll take Mika to Yehud,
there is "Michal's House", a place of attractions for kids.
Will you go with us and drive?"

I agreed, though I "wondered", to say the least.
On February 13 we had witnessed such a center across our house,
and Efrat fled from the noise and the atmosphere after 20 minutes.
Moreover - how would she be able to sit next to me as the driver?
How could the even have suggested that I drive?

The latter question found its easy answer:
Her driver licence has expired long since.
In order to provide the now-demanded digital photo,
she has to go to a place at Ramle
("without Immanuel's help I'll never find that place"),
so she thought it better not to drive outside Shoham.

On our way - both to Yehud and from Yehud - she erred twice
and we drove twice in a round-about way.
Her pressure and panic and sheer terror of my every movement
drove her crazier and crazier.
She screamed something about headache and bloodpressure
and "never again".
While I am - as I just said - "pressurable to the highest degree" myself,
the dynamics between us worked in a way,
that I became ever more relaxed and easy going,
except towards the last part of our travel,
when I said in a loud voice: "Now it's enough."

But , as I said, we should be in the Guiness book :
Efrat is cruelly aware of her patterned behavior,
and hates herself atrociously, when she is in its claws.
When we arrived safely at the parking lot of "Michal's House",
she voiced her appreciation for the fact,
that I brought us hither "despite the pressure I put on you."
But I, instead of appreciating her of having survived it,
I said: "I could only bear it by saying all the time:


The "backside-driving" was only part of our staged drama.
The other part was the kids' center.
It goes without saying, that I never would enter such a place,
and anyway, I fear that Mika is being badly overstimulated.
But I feel, I should always be available, when I'm needed.
And even now I am sure, that it was right,
that I agreed without arguing:
'But shouldn't you rest and not expose yourself to such "adventures"?'

I only wished, I had been as accepting  a f t e r  the things that I foresaw...

[Febr. 25 -
After having experienced the worsening of that "headache",
which since then has not receded,
I doubt, that I was right in "making myself available"...]

No sooner had we intermingled with the kids and their caretakers,
than she said: "I hate such places,
but if Mika enjoys herself, it will not be such a sacrifice!"
Here I interfered sharply:
"Efrat! Never ever sacrifice yourself for your daughter,
never ever ever ever, do you hear me?
Remember, what my mother - like so many mothers - said,
when she felt, we children didn't "pay her back":
"One mother can take care of seven children,
but seven children cannot take care of one mother."
By sacrificing yourself for Mika,
you put a burden on her, which will be very painful to carry."


Was it coincidence, that after our arrival at sunset,
the camera announced: "battery empty?"
With my cellphone camera inside shooting doesn't come out well.
So the only photo worthwhile saving is the image of today's "altar",
which shows mother and daughter as if in a cage, separated by wires.


We left after less than half an hour
and Efrat exclaimed, nervous to the edge:
"This is not for me, nor is it for Mika!"


And that's where I succumbed to that ugly urge of "I told you so",
for which I still haven't had the chance to apologize.
I laughed - to lower the tension
the tension of what Efrat had been through in the kids' center,
and the tension of what she was going through now by seeing me drive,
and said:
"this was a total unnecessary experience."
and explained that she had gone through this lesson more than once.
This way "to bring it home", was just as unnecessary.
It incited Efrat's defense mechanisms
and distracted her from looking at her lesson.


Eventually we agreed,
that the lesson was not unnecessary,
but that the next time she would not fall into the trap again.


One of the results of this specific finetuning which I long for, is:

'Never ever point out a lesson to a person, unless asked for it!
On the contrary,
when something you foresaw but couldn't prevent, will happen,
support the pupil of her/his self-staged lesson
by radiating love and serenity
and infinite trust for her/his process of learning.'

In this moment they are entering the door, Efrat and Mika. 13:00