The treacherous fire dragon took advantage of everyone's confusion.
He suggested
that the Spirits on Earth have a big party and invite everyone
and resolve their differences and celebrate what they had.
Focus on the positive was the theme.
He even volunteered to guard Earth alone that night.

The other fire dragons did not trust him.
They decided they would take turns guarding with him that night.
One of the fire dragons, though,
could not stand being on duty with this treacherous one
and when it was his turn, his essence slunk off to the fire sea
and left only his form on duty.
He did not feel good doing this,
but his own denials did not allow him to find another way
to exercise his own Free Will.


The treacherous fire dragon i
mmediately took advantage of this situation.
He had been preparing for it and hoping it would come this way.
In his off-duty hours he had been communing with another force
that opposed Me.
The minute he realized he was alone that night,
he called to that force and let it onto the Earth.
He thought he was about to gain control of all of Earth
because he thought
he could control that force and have it intimidate Earth for him.

This force, however, had another Spirit already controlling it
that this fire dragon did not recognize
because of his own power delusions.
This force was a hot dry raging cosmic wind of destructive anger.
This hot dry wind raged across the face of Pan that night
and sent the partying ones scurrying for shelter.
This hot dry wind burned off vegetation,
seared great cracks into the land,
and made it unbearably hot and steamy on Earth.
Its raging fingers reached into the Earth itself
causing volcanoes and earthquakes.
The fire dragon that thought he was about to take over
found himself scorched instead
and thrown to the Earth like a discarded rag doll.
He writhed in agony and finally broke off from his pain
by leaving his form and slinking off to hide the rest of himself in a cave.


The hot dry wind could not stay in one place;
it raged on, seeking destruction everyplace it went until it burned out. The Earth Spirits did not know if it would return or not.
They feared even more now
because they felt they could not depend on anything.
They had more fear of Me now too because they did not know
how the hot dry wind came to Earth.
They sought the fire dragons

and asked them.
Both involved denied having anything to do with it,
and the treacherous one claimed
he had suffered terribly trying to defend Earth.
The other fire dragons did not know anything about it.
The head Warrior only said
that the protection already existing was obviously not enough.


The Earth recovered from this as best it could,
but the land was not as abundant or as beautiful as it had been
because the Spirits had scars from their experience
that they could not heal yet and reality reflected this.
As the Spirits healed the Earth and themselves,
they began to return to their old ways and find joy again.
In seeking their old ways, they also sought old friends
and when many of them could not be found
they felt a growing sense of horror.
The Spirits on Earth had not encountered death before
and they did not know if they were encountering it then,
but they had a definite sense of things not being right on Earth.
They had a strong feeling that they needed to find their friends
to know what had happened to them.


The hot dry wind had left a Spirit on Earth
that had not been here before.
When the Spirits of Pan found him in their search for missing friends,
he claimed he had come to help heal the Earth.
The Earth Spirits did not know what he was or what he was doing,
but they knew that he frightened them.
He said he was a wizard that had come to Earth to help heal it
because he had experience with the hot dry wind.
He lied here.
He did not come to heal the Earth,
but he did have experience with the hot dry wind; he was its master.
The hot dry wind was the raging fire of an entire universe
that had destroyed itself with its own destructive anger.

This raging fire burned itself out as this dark wizard knew it would.
The dark wizard thought it would serve his purpose
to attack Earth with the last strength of the hot dry wind.
He had to find another place for his destructive anger
since it had already consumed its original universe.
He sought to implant its flames on Earth
and feed himself by fanning the flames into another inferno.
He also had to increase the density of Earth quickly or he could not stay. In trying to shrink away from the attack of the hot, dry wind,
the Earth had increased its density.
In counterpart to that,
the dark wizard set ceaselessly to work denying every Spirit he could, causing them to shrink away from him in denial of the

2010-page 82 ["The Land of Pan"]

eaten anything other than what had manifested solely to be eaten. No one had overpowered another against their Will
to this extent on Earth before.
These Spirits were fighting,
overpowering others and disappearing them by eating them.
The Spirits being eaten were screaming with pain and terror.
This traumatized the Spirits on Earth.


The dark wizard said they were screaming in ecstasy
and denied
that any of these Spirits had overpowered the forms they had entered.
He said that they were well-received
because many wanted to learn this lesson.
The Warriors liked fighting,
and even though they maintained a stoic presentation,
the Earth Spirits feared that the Warriors liked this.
The Earth Spirits felt very alone and afraid.
The dark wizard denied everything the Earth Spirits felt here
by saying that these beings were only becoming one with each other. Then, he said, "How could it be overpowering?
It's impossible to overpower anyone against their Will."


He was right, but only if there is no denial present.
Once denial of true feelings got started, it increased
until it began to overwhelm the very Spirits
who had thought denial would protect them from being overwhelmed.
In the beginning of Pan, denial was not extensive.
The dark wizard had his work cut out for him.
He did not mind though;
he was driven by rage and hatred for Me and My Creation.
He was intent on increasing denial and density as much as he could,
and the Spirits he brought with him helped him do this.
I call these Spirits 'denial Spirits' because denial fuels them.
These Spirits
had been helping the denial wizard everywhere he went.
Now, on Earth
they began helping him deny everything that could be denied.

Learn, what this DENIAL ENERGY really is!

At first, they began by telling everyone things that undermined their free Will. I will give you an example of their approach, and you will have to do your homeowrk on this. If a denial Spirit were to lie down on a path through the woods, and another Spirit came running, hopping, skipping and jumping along, the denial Spirit would jump up and scream, "You cannot come running right through the place where I am lying!"

If the other Spirt said, "I'm sorry. This is a path,
and I wasn't expecting you to be lying there,"
without any acknowledgment
that he might be the one who needs to move,
the dennial Spirit would say, "Sorry isn't enough!
You might have stepped c! Find another path!"

If the Spirit said it would not have stepped on the other Spirit
because it would have noticed in time, the denial Spirit would have denied

2010-page 83["The Land of Pan"] z

the Earth Spirit's sensitivity, attunement, ability to notice in time
and anything else it could deny on the spot.
If the Spirit did anything other than abdicate to the denial Spirit,
the denial Spirit would continue to deny everything presented to it.


When some Earth Spirits tried telling these denial Spirits to leave,
they denied their right to do this, claiming they had been there all along and had as much right to be on Earth as anyone else.
What they said was true, as far as it went.
Denial had been there all along, unrecognized,
but these Spirits only mentioned what furthered them,
and there were many things about the situation
that the Spirits on Earth were afraid to look at very closely,
let alone feel.
It was very upsetting to them to remember much
of what had happened around the hot, dry wind
or the Spirits who had begun to fight, kill and eat one another.
They doubted their own perceptions
and wondered how much had been happening all along
that they hadn't let themselves notice.


I have seen and heard all of this,
and I have understanding and acceptance of denial Spirits.
[2013-06-16 - this "acceptance" may no longer be possible,
after "Spirit" has learnt, that these were not "Spirits".
At least, that's what I understood, for instance, from this statement
in "Asuras": [see there my entry on top - with the reference to Denial Pages]
"and this is why it had seemed to be the apparently separate beings
I've called 'asuras' and 'denial spirits.'
Denial Spirits cannot do anything with you
unless you have denial they can use.
Since Earth had denial happening already,
these Spirits had an opportunity to gain a foothold.
In gaining a foothold,
they had an opportunity to increase the denial on Earth,
and because of the unseen role of denial,
["the unseen role of denial" is the title of the 2nd and 3rd RUOW Book!}
the Spirits on Earth were not able to resolve this.

on the path through the woods.
Along would come a running, hopping, skipping, jumping Spirit. The denial Spirit would jump up and scream,
"How can you come running right through the place
where I am lying?"
The other Spirit would say,
"I'm sorry; I did not know you were lying there."
The denial Spirit would say,
"Sorry isn't enough; you might have stepped on me."


Depending on the amount of denial present,
the other Spirit had several possible ways to go.
I heard all of it,
and I have understanding and acceptance of denial Spirits.
[2013-06-16 - this "acceptance" may no longer be possible,
after "Spirit" has learnt, that these were not "Spirits".
At least, that's what I understood, for instance, from this statement
in "Asuras": [see there my entry on top - with the reference to Denial Pages]
and this is why it had seemed to be the apparently separate beings
I've called 'asuras' and 'denial spirits.'

Denial Spirits cannot do anything with you
unless you have denial of your own.
Since Earth had some denial happening already,
these Spirits had an opportunity to gain a foothold.
In gaining a foothold,
they had an opportunity to increase the denial on Earth.
The Earth Spirits had an opening here to decrease their own denial,
and yet they had so much fear of Me
that they could not get the understandings they needed.
They had a confusion about Loving acceptance
that did not let them see these Spirits clearly.
The denial was not then recognized as something
that must be separated from the essence it was controlling
and sent away.

If the Earth Spirits had told denial to leave at that time,
it would most likely have caused a struggle.
But if they had tried it then,
it would have been an amazingly short struggle
because the denial Spirits had barely a foothold on Earth.
They denied it and claimed that they had been here all along.
They said that they had not been noticed before
because all the other Spirits only saw what they wanted to see.
The denial Spirits said they were not noticed
until the wizard pointed them out and made the others see them.
Then the Earth Spirits remembered
that it was as the denial wizard pointed at the animals
that they had appeared to eat each other for the first time,
and that as he had pointed at certain fairy folk
that they had seemed to begin fighting and killing and eating each other as never before.
Denial Spirits had simply crept into these forms
and waited for the denial wizard to point at them
before they had taken any action
to influence the forms they had entered, but they did not say this.
The Earth Spirits' own denial did not allow them to know for sure whether these Spirits were already on Earth or not
because they had already been afraid
to look at quite a few things on Earth

and refrain from expressing themselves
when another did something they did not like.

Only now have Earth Spirits seen enough to understand this.
Then they tried to accept the denial
as just another Spirit's way on Earth.
They did not know who I intended for Earth and who I did not.
The basic denial
that allowed denial Spirits to take advantage of Earth
was denial of Me.
My Presence was denied here,
I could not give the understandings needed.
I want to give them now since I have an opening to do it.

After the original entry of the hot dry wind
and the denial wizard's introduction of death through overpowering,
the Spirits in Pan experienced another event
that greatly increased denial.
The denial wizard began challenging everyone
to duels of magic as he called them.
There were many wizards on Earth then
and, for the most part, only wizards accepted his challenges.
The denial wizard defeated everyone that accepted his challenge.
He won by denying the validity of the other wizards' approaches
and by insisting
that the duels had to be conducted according to his rules.

A number of wizards saw his duel for what it was
and refused his challenge.
Some of these wizards saw him gaining power on Earth
and saw that he should be stopped.
There were also many other Spirits on Earth
that feared he was gaining power.
Some denied their fear and said that he was not such a bad guy after all.
Some tried to quiet their fear
by telling themselves and each other
that he really wasn't gaining power;
it was only an illusion that they weren't going to believe.

Spirits increased their denial this way
and looked at less of what was really happening on earth
because they did not want to see and feel
what the denial wizard was really doing.
This gave the denial wizard a lot of denial energy on which to feed,
and he got more and more powerful.
He began to get more outrageous too
because he found he could do things right in front of others
that they did not want to see and they would not see them.
If he was noticed, he denied what he was actually doing
and said he was doing something else.
Some that didn't want to accept the horror of what was happening
actually helped the wizard explain away his outrages.
Finally one wizard stepped forward and answered the

challenge of the denial wizard
because he strongly felt the need
to remove the denial wizard from the Earth.
This wizard had studied the other duels of magic and he had a plan.
This wizard offered the dark wizard everything
he did not want him to agree to
because he had noticed
how the dark wizard denied everything offered to him.
This wizard did not realize, however,
just how extensive the dark wizard's denial was going to be.
The dark wizard,
who immediately felt the presence of denial in the offer, accepted it.
Instead of denying the denial offer,
the dark wizard accepted the light wizard's denial of himself
and insisted he stick to the deal.
In this way, he got the most possible denial.

The dark wizard was not like the light wizard.
The Light wizard had looked at the dark wizard closely,
but he had not seen him thoroughly.
He had misjudged his denial and he had misjudged his scruples;
he had thought that the dark wizard had actually had some.
The Light wizard had seen another thing inaccurately there also.
He had seen his own power ascending on Earth
if he could have defeated the dark wizard.
He had had part of himself projected into this future,
and so he had not been all present.
He had seen other possibilities too,
but he had denied all of them in favor of his favorite choice.
Instead of drawing himself back
from unpleasant possibilities,
he had cut them off, leaving a part of himself there.

The light wizard had also had fear of the duel of magic
because he had felt he'd been trapped already
into doing something he felt he did not want to do.
He could not admit this because he had too much pride.
This wizard also had some stage fright
about doing his feats of magic in front of everyone on Earth at once.
He had accepted through, so he felt he had to do it .
In not expressing his fears, he had had to deny them.

On the day of the duel the Light wizard arrived on the scene early
and paced up and down waiting for the dark wizard.
Many Spirits were already crowding into the area
when the dark wizard arrived.
The dark wizard only acknowledged denial,
so he did not acknowledge many of the Spirits there.
The Light wizard feared denial and really only wanted to help Earth.
He did not realize that his fear of the denial happening on Earth
had caused him to deny his own fear.
He denied himself in favor of helping others,
but he denied himself nonetheless.

The Light wizard began the duel of magic
by hurling lightning bolts into the air.
The dark wizard responded by drying up a lake and withering trees.
The light wizard did not like this
but according to the rules he was not allowed to complain.
The Light wizard feared the dark wizard was using these duels
as an opportunity to harm a lot of things on Earth.

The light wizard was trying to think of what he could do
that would not give the dark wizard an opportunity to do harm
when the dark wizard began accusing him of being too slow.
He announced that if the light wizard was so slow,
he probably couldn't do it.
All the denial Spirits chimed in on this.
All the other Spirits thought it was unkind and unfair to deny anyone
so they did not say anything at all
except some encouragement to the light wizard
that was drowned out in the ruckus.

The dark wizard pressured the Light wizard to hurry up.
The light wizard suggested that they go immediately into form changes. The Light wizard changed himself into a succession of animals
and ran around doing everything they would do.
He returned to his own form
and received the applause of many Spirits that loved him.

The dark wizard smiled a superior smile
and said he would not stoop to such silliness.
He insisted that the Light wizard try something really hard,
otherwise it wasn't even a duel of magic as far as he was concerned.
The light wizard felt very denied here
and said that if it was so easy, the dark wizard should do it.
The dark wizard scoffed and as he stood there scoffing
he slowly turned himself into a black stone.
The Light wizard was flabbergasted
because he dreaded that particular challenge.

He realized, however,
that anything he did other than turning himself into a stone
was going to be denied by the dark wizard and made to look silly.
He did not want to have an argument in front of everyone
that would make it look like he was afraid of it.
He decided he would have to try it.
He knew he could turn himself into a stone,
he didn't know if he could get back out of it.
He told himself that he had to do it or look like the loser
and that if he got stuck, at least he'd be a stone
and no one could call him names in his face.

While the Light wizard was thinking all of this,
the dark wizard returned to his wizard form.
The light wizard knew it was his turn

2010-page 86 ["The Land of Pan"]

acknowledge many of the Spirits who were there.
Although he didn't understand the impact of his own denial,
and did not call it denial,
the light wizard feared denial
and, for the most part, really wanted to help Earth.


The light wizard began the duel of magic
by hurling lightening bolts into the air.
The dark wizard responded by drying up a lake and withering trees.
The light wizard did not like this,
but according to the rules, he was not allowed to complain.
The light wizard feared the dark wizard was using these duels
as an opportunity to do additonal harm to a lot of things on Earth.


The light wizard was trying to think of what he could do
that would not give the dark wizard an opportunity to do harm
when the dark wizard began accusing him of being too slow.
He announced that if the light wizard was so slow,
he probably couldn't do it.
All the denial Spirits chimed in on this.
The other Spirits thought it was unkind and unfair to ridicule anyone,
so they did not say anything at all
except some encouragement for the light wizard
that was drowned out in the ruckus.


The dark wizard smiled a superior smile,
and said he would not stoop to such silliness.
He insisted that the Light wizard try something really difficult,
Otherwise it wasn't even a duel of magic as far as he was concerned.
The light wizard felt very denied here
and said that if his form changes were so easy,
the dark wizard should do it.
The dark wizard scoffed, and as he stood there scoffing
he slowly turned himself into a black stone.
The Light wizard was aghast
because he dreaded that particular challenge.


The light wizard knew
that the validity of anything he did,
other than turning himself into a stone,
was going to be denied by the dark wizard and made to look silly.
He did not want to argue with the dark wizard
and let it be known that he was afraid.
He pondered what to do and decided he would have to try it.
He felt quite sure he could turn himself into a stone,
but he didn't know if he could get back out of it.
He told himself that he must do this or look like the loser.

Table of Contents


THE REFLECTION LOST WILL HAS TO GIVE......1

THE EARLY DAYS WITH THE ANGELS .....31

DEFLECTING THE FOCUS BY PINNING BLAME ......52

MORE LIGHT IS NOT NECESSARILY BETTER .....57

I ALLOW MYSELF TO SE THAT THE GAP HAD TAKEN IN MANY THINGS
    I HAD NOT NOTICED ......................................................................60

THE FALLEN ANELS ............................................63

REALITY IS THERE IS LITTLE TIME LEFT ......74

ORIGINAL CAUSE ...........................81

LUCIFER...........................................90

THE UNSEEN ROLE OF DENIAL..........................95

UNDERSTANDINGS NEEDED ABOUT GOING TO EARTH............................107

THE RONALOKAS JOURNEY TO EARTH .....................................127

IN ALL OF THE TIME ON EARTH, NO PROGRESS HAS BBEN MADE.......... 143
  [includes a story about Jesus and his fragments]

THE WILL FEARS ITS OWN DESIRE..............................164

OPENING SAPCE ...........................173

THE WILL MANIFESTS THE GAP ...............................176

THE RONALOKAS HAD ALREADY GAPPED BEFORE THEY LEFT ME...........................182

YOU HAVE GAPS TO HEAL WITH ONE ANOTHER ...........................191

BODY WILL LET YOU KNOW HOW YOU NEED TO MOVE ..........................194

I WITHDRAW ..................................195

HEART TRIES TO WARN ME THAT HE CANNOT STAY MANIFEST ...............199

THE MOTHER TEARS MY HEART APART .....................................202

ANOTHER LOOK AT THE ANGELS .........................................211

GIVING THE ANGELS WHAT THEY NEED ....................................218

p.70

These are the ways in which you make yourselves feel smarter and more powerful than everyone else.

Even when you take sensitivity training, it is only for the sake of your greater success in the world if success means presenting the impression that you care about others. All of your, so-called "loving behavior" is learned behavior. There is nothing real about it, and I am going to have to let you go. You are Luciferian to the most minute detail.

Others of you are less Luciferian than Lucifer-influenced, but this is perilous enough for you because you cannot move away from him. You lack the Will presence to be able to do it. You have cried to Me that you had no other choice but to embrace Lucifer because I shoved you into his arms during the War in the Heavens, but I am telling you, you were already embracing him. Your movement back and forth between Myself and Lucifer was because I was allowing it. I am no longer going to allow it.

The Luciferian Angels believed Lucifer when he told them My Light was not bright enough to be God for many reasons, not the least of which was that I should have found a way to avert the War in the Heavens. None of the Angels liked the War in the Heavens, but their opposition to it was not for the reasons I had thought . Lucifer made Me feel like an inadequate God for not being able to avert the War in the Heavens, but I also saw that the method he had in mind for averting such things involved the most powerful overriding of the Will ever imagined.

Lucifer's light was much brighter than My own and I saw now that I had been engaged in an unconscious competition with him in My generating of Light with the Angels. At times, I thought Lucifer did not have a Will, so of course, he had no problem gaining an alignment with it. Not being held back by his Will allowed him to look much brighter, I told Myself. I did not move the fear that was causing Me to try to outstrip his brilliance, I just tried to make sure he could not take over.

I already knew My own lack of alignment with My Will was putting Me in a vulnerable position, but I was under the illusion that My Will had chosen to go away from Me, thereby putting Me in a vulnerable position in terms of My own Will power so that I could not oppose Lucifer very well. Even though I had seen that Lucifer hated the Will no matter what move It made, I still managed to assume, at times, that if he had a Will, it was not giving him the problems Mine was giving Me. I even thought the Mother was helping Lucifer by letting Herself be his Will. I was hating My Will here but I didn't see it.

p.71

I didn't think I hated My Will; I viewed Myself as vulnerable to Lucifer because I hadn't been able to gain a more powerful alignment with My Will than I had. I thought that if Lucifer had a Will, he had overridden it completely, and that I was unwilling to do what he had done to gain the service of the Will. Lucifer's Will always seemed to do his bidding no matter what it was Lucifer did not seem to have the problems I was having because his Will was never allowed to give any response except, "Yes, gladly, wise master". whether this was actually uttered out loud or not.

I believed that Lucifer had to be stopped. I wanted to put him as far away from Me as possible, and as far from the other spirits as possible also, but I did not have any place to put him that was far enough away. He had given Me the impression he had come in from outer space and I was not sure outer space would have any power to hold him away from Me if I put him back out there. I did not know where the Mother was and I did not want to risk putting him together with Her.

Lucifer has always said that smacking him was a mistake on My part, and I did fear for a long time that I had made a mistake. Lucifer has always used omission and careful wording as means by which he can gain whatever appearance he wants to have. The way he did it this time was to lead many to believe that the mistake I had made was to judgmentally smack him away from My Light. By not defining what the mistake was, he was able to mislead many without overtly lying. The mistake I feared I had made, that I had the most trouble coming to peace with, was the fear that I had thrown Lucifer exactly where he wanted to be, on top of the Mother without Me around.

Lucifer has always denied the Will as a power play against My Light. He has sneered whenever the Will has been allowed to move and called it weakness, emotional indulgence, dangerous personal imbalance, hysteria, over-reacton, lack of reliability and anything else that would make others ashamed of movement in their Wills. Of course, these are all judgments against the Will. Even expression of joy has been called immature lack of discipline and self-control.

When I smacked Lucifer toward the Mother, the called it Divine Providence and said it was My way of saying I did not mind if he had the Mother instead of Me. He even said that since I smacked him wrongly, it had only good outcome for him. Lucifer already knew what I was now suspecting. Without the Mother's alignment with Me, he could become able to overpower My light. Lucifer had devised a plan whereby he thought he could force the Mother's alignment with him on his terms. Otherwise, he was going to kill

p. 70

nothing you can do. Whatever gain you make will be taken away from you. It's a complete checkmate of the Heart. There's no move you can make because the gap that is feeding them is inside of you. How else could they be so tuned in to how to get to you?

This is why I am sayng you need to move inside yourself to heal the gap where My Light hasn't been in you. You need to move only a little bit to see that what I have to say is true, but a little bit is a lot for you because you have a great sea of distrust and doubt to cross before you're going to let your emotions get real; a great sea of distrust and doubt that says to you, the only safe place is on the island of your point of view, no matter how alone in the world this makes you.

This is why I am begging you to give this a try and see if it's helpful for you. I know it's not going to be easy, but denied Heart needs to be born in the gap and live this time. Heart needs to fill in the gap with the love It never knew. This is the Heart that needs to be born in you.

I am really trying to reach out to you and to offer My help to you. Even though I have hated you and you have hated Me, I also know there is love buried here. Hard as it is, this is what We have to move into. Heart of stone is not quite right. It's Heart of hurt behind a wall of stone so hard and thick that impenetrable fortress is what you call your style, and any show of fear or grief is condemned as a dangerous crack in the wall.

This damaged Heart cannot live in prison anymore, It is going to die from lack of Light and life. Life is My Light and Love is Life. You have to choose it to give your hurting Heart a reason to be and a way to live if you set it free. If you don't want Light, or Love or Life, then you have to go, and go you will because I know that if We cannot soften Our stance, the gap stands an excellent chance of pounding Us down into stone, left for dead to wander alone, blown on the cold and lonely, loveless winds of deep, dark space, and all the tears that will have been cried will be nothing more than rain falling on stone, for life will have disappeared without a trace of anything that could have let Us know where We went wrong by not trying to reach for Our lost Heart Song.

p. 70


THE MOTHER SPEAKS

Now I want to tell you about that terrible fight we had so long ago on that terrible night. All of Our fights were essentially about the same things, but in this particular fight, We went farther than We had before and after that, We didn't live together anymore.

Your Mother always felt She had to make Me agree with Her. She couldn't stand it that I had another point of view that was not the same as Hers. I felt like She just couldn't stand to let Me be Me the way I wanted to be and couldn't see that She was trying to make Me be just like Her instead of like Me. She stubbornly insisted, persisted and pressured Me endlessly, yet resisted accepting Me or My point of view.

And My point of view I've already been giving to you, but the Mother now has to speak to you and give you this from Her point of view. The fight We had has now been resolved between the two of Us, but you need to know what it was really about and move with it until you get to a place of trust that it can also be resolved in you and between you and Us. There's a fury in you that needs to move in response to this furious and terrible fight. This fight tore the Heart of Creation apart. This terrible ripping and shredding left everyone in pain and in pieces. No one remained whole. You all suffered pain that was too much for you, and you all struggled in an attempt to regain some way to live in the presence of the dark and gaping hole (sic) that remained when Our relationship was blown apart. Everything came apart and everyone used the pieces they found to piece together their own point of view. The rest was lost; and lost so long ago that almost none of you remembers, or believes you want to know that these terrible things really happened, or that you have to let yourself know you still have pain about it that you need to feel to heal.

We raged and tore at each other like giant beasts and then froze it rather than continue to feel how hatefully, horribly, mean and violent We were, but it still went on and on and on in a state of denial. When you came along, We did Our best not to let this fighting show, but still you all took sides, even when you were sure that you didn't ; sides you couldn't help but take given how you felt , who you were and your point of view, and you all had a viewpoint that included judgments against both Parents, even if

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Her.

When Lucifer first found the Mother in the darkness of space She took him in, just as he had hoped She would, because She thought and hoped at first that he was My Light coming to rescue Her. When She realized it was Lucifer instead of Me, She still took him in because She was desperate for light of any kind, like a drowning person who takes in water because of inability to stop the self from trying to breathe.

When Lucifer told the Mother I had empowered him to come to Her and that She was his now, the Mother went into a deep and frozen, paralytic terror that rendered Her unable to throw him off, especially since Lucifer was Her only prospect other than the terribleness She had already been experiencing on the way to Her own death. This was just what Lucifer had counted on and this was what he found. Lucifer was hideously uplifted and laughed so demoniacally that when I heard him, I went into a deep fear of what I had done. If he had found the Mother , what was going to happen to Her?

I did not understand how I could have undermined Myself in such a way. I blamed the gap I now knew I had for undermining Me and causing reversals in my planned flow of things. I could not believe I would have consciously created all of these problems for Myself, and I would not have. I judged all the more that I could not allow Myself to lose control of Myself and I failed to see how responsible this was for the lack of consciousness in the gap. What I felt here was so horrible that My mind entered into denial of it almost as an involuntary act. Although I wrestled with it, My mind gapped so seriously here, I left space open for many terrible things to happen because I did not look at them.

The Angels I had shoved toward Lucifer had experienced the smack I gave to Lucifer, and I had guilt for a long time that said I had victimized them with My fear and hatred toward Lucifer. Once again, I acted without conscious thought, and I wasn't sure if what I had done was right or not. It certainly didn't look like it, and I certainly had a large reflection around Me to say that I had been wrong and unloving.

I didn't understand My Light and I needed to move within Myself and get the understandings needed. I could not allow anything to stand in My way, but I felt uncertain Myself when guilt made Me question whether this was very loving of Me or not. guilt many times gave Me the reflection that I was making Myself too important if I thought I had to make certain moves no matter what the others around Me thought of these moves. Guilt was most of the

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reason things were getting so out of balance already. I was tending not to move until I had to , because I was allowing guilt to hold Me back.

The War in the Heavens was the first time undercurrents, which had been held back for a long time, really broke loose, and when it took place, I knew I wasn't going to have any real peace for a long time no matter what I did. I allowed Myself to "go nuts' for awhile then, and recovered some of My lost Will by moving as much emotion as I could at the time. But, of course, I did not move it all. I took a look at many things then and saw that I had been on a long course of denial and avoidance. I had been acting like a man whose marriage has broken up, and so he stays drunk, has as many women as he can, and insists he wanted the marriage to end anyway because it was holding him back.

The Father Warriors had already manifested and I already knew they were My gapped rage. I also knew their light had been given tremendous increase in the light generated with the Angels without allowing the Mother to be present. I knew these things long ago, and yet, getting movement here has been nearly impossible without the Mother's help, and that part of the Mother that could give the help necessary has been missing since I smacked the Mother out. If you think you have been waiting a long time for My help, or for Me to move to right the situation, that is how long it is taking for Mother to make it back inside of My Light.

When I saw that it was the Angels' intent to keep Me under their control and never let Me go, and that My Light had helped them to gain this position, I let almost nothing move on the outside. If I expressed emotion openly, I was looked upon as a weak God, and I felt all the more that My position was viewed as rightfully theirs. If I held back emotion, they fed on My denials.

I felt trapped and I jumped for the Godhead, only to find I had no place to go. Even in My right place, they were there pressing on Me with their guilt reflection. The only place I had to go was inside of Myself to try to move it there. I moved back and forth between terror and rage over the Angels.

"How could you take loving teachings and turn them into something so twisted, cruel and unloving and get away with it so well and for so long that you could actually stand as though guiltfree and present yourselves as more loving than I?"

I could not stand to look at you projecting yourselves as love superior, still empowered by the Light we had generated together. You were still able to remain present in My Creation when I did not want you anywhee near Me. You were still able to present your-

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judgments against One were all that you consciously knew. And no matter who you blame, you all still feel unfairly victimized. Now I want to let you hear this in the words of the Mother.

I am your Mother and I need to say some things to you now that lost Will has never been allowed to say.

What I went through with God initially, mothers are still going through , including animal mothers. There is so much involved that I hardly know what to say, especially since I don't experience things in a very linear way and often would not know what to say if God did not put words in My mouth. This is what He has to or I could not speak about this, only feel. It is no problem when we're One, but where We were not, Our troubles began, and long ago this is where He left Me to wander in fear of what He denied letting Me say and what He denied wanting to say to Me. (sic) This is what I am gong to talk about now. I'm gong to try to just say thngs as they occur to Me so they may not be ordered sequentially.

From the beginning, your Father always looked busy to Me; almost unapproachably busy. When I did try to approach Him, He always made Me feel like My emotions were too much and just stirred Him up so that His mind couldn't be as logical and sequential, calm and expansive as He wanted it to be. Whenever He lost His focus, forgot something, lost something or got sidetracked from whatever He was doing, I always felt like He blamed Me.

Whenever I came at Him with these feelings, He always said I was being ridiculous , and that in fact, the opposite was true, I blamed Him, not only for feeling things He didn't feel, but also for everyting I didn't like which was plenty more than He wanted to hear about from Me. Often times He would say, "If You dislike Me so much and have so much resentment for what I do, maybe it's someone else You want for a mate since the way I am is obviously not pleasing enough for You."

This would strike terror into My heart and make Me feel sick through and through. It was such a terrible feeling you have to know what I mean, it's beyond what I can describe to you; just the nausea part is more than My words could convey to you.

When He would start in like this, I wouldn't know what to do. Sometimes I would really feel like I was throwing up, and feel like I was going to fall down sick and not be able to get back up. When this would happen your Father would sometimes help Me to bed, but when He did, I could tell that He felt annoyed, as though I had done this just to pull Him away from the work that He loved and

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make HIm feel like He had to minister to Me. It appeared to Me that He thought I staged this behavior and that giving Me attention would only reward it, because He would usually just tuck Me in, pat Me a few times rather patronizingly and leave. I would be left with all of My pain tucked in under a thick blanket of guilt then. If I needed or wanted anything, I would have to find some way to help Myself. I began to be racked by the guilt of "invalid Mother".

At those times, I would feel like My heart was going to break. There was not a word I could speak that would fix it or make it feel alright between Us again. For Me, the only thing I believed could really fix it was if it had never happened, or perhaps, if your Father would have had a change of heart, and had come back into the room again and said that He had realized what My great pain was and that He now knew how to love Me in such a way as to fix it. It seemed no more likely to Me than if the problems between Us had never existed. Sometimes I would feel so bad, I would stay in bed for quite a long time feeling like I needed to have fits of sobbing that would never quite come up. Instead I would lie there, depressed and frozen, wondering if I would ever be able to get up again.

Sometimes, if I stayed in bed long enough, your Father would finally come to Me there and ask Me why I was not getting up, as though He had no idea what was troubling Me or didn't know why I had gone to bed. Even then, sometimes I could not get up. Sometimes His presence caused how I felt to come pouring out of Me . Sometimes then, your Father would try to comfort Me and help Me feel better. His touch was usually very Heavenly and healing for Me, but I could never accept it without also guiltily feeling that He was helping Me reluctantly. I didn't like feeling that I could only draw it out of Him when I was desperate and behaving pitifully, rather than feeling like He just offered His healing touch spontaneously to Me. It was heartbreak for Me that He almost never came on His own to Me, and when He did, it wasn't to just play and be with Me, it was because He had some reason to see Me. It seemed impossible for Him to take time off, unless, in His words, I created some kind of family emergency.

But even then, no matter how much He touched Me, it was never complete relief for Me. He never stayed long enough for Me to see if complete relief was even possible for Me. As soon as I felt at all better, He would act restless and ready to withdraw from Me into a world where He never acted like He wanted to include Me; a world that must have been so much more interesting to Him than I was, that He would leave Me feeling guilty like I wanted too

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selves as the loving Spirit Polarity you have always represented yourselves to be, and I could do nothing about it. So much had your power grown in relationship to Me that I was looking small and you were looking very much larger than I had the power to handle the way I wanted to. It was close, very close, as to whether Lucifer was God in My place of not.

Worse yet, I thought I knew where the Mother was and what She was going through, and I felt powerless to rescue Her. I dared not even mention Her for fear even any mention of Her might worsen Her situation. All of this long time, it had to be as though there was no Mother of Everything while Mother contenders claimed to be the divine Mother and I could say nothing about it.

My rage and terror almost never seemed to balance. I went back and forth between them until it seemed emotional movement wasn't going to bring the healing I thought it was.

"So what," I told Myself, "I get relief for a little while, but nothing changes out there enough to satisfy Me, and in a little while, all of the same old feelings build up again."

It was then that I faced My impotence and almost totally gave up to hopelessness because I had been unable to cross the gap. Not too long ago, people were proclaiming I was dead, and I nearly was. [Dorothee Soelle 1929-2003!!! Her book: Gott ist tot , was together with other "God is dead" solicitors very "popular", when I was a student of Theology in Germany 1958-1960, and again, [after my scholarship year in Jerualem] in 1961-1963]

I realized so long ago that I had to find the Mother and reconnect to Her, but in all of My emotional movement, I had not been able to cross the gap, and the Mother had not been able to cross the gap to come to Me. Once I became gapped, it was a long time before I was able to figure out how to bridge the gap. Getting it to happen was another thing, because the understanding of how to bridge the gap was only in My Light and not in the gap, or in the Mother.

The gap had become an actual space that was growing larger all the time, and I was unable to move across that space because the Will I had lost was exactly the Will I needed to move across the gap. I grew desperate about how I was going to each the Mother and about how She was going to get across the gap to Me so that We could reconnect.


REALITY IS THERE IS LITTLE TIME LEFT

Now, you may think I am going to give you a lot of time to move here since it took Me so long from the time I smacked the Mother out, but I'm not. You get only as much time as it takes for the Mother to get back inside of My Light. If you have not been

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moving along with Us here, then you are not moving enough to be with Us. we are already in the home stretch and most of you have not moved since the beginning of Creation.

Cold? Nowhere near as cold as what you have already done. The light you have been vibrating is almost nothing but Spirit light that hates the Will. This light had been trying to kill the Will any and every way that it can, and Body too; especially in the sense that without Will, Body is reduced to a slave of Spirit. [but didn't you say - later - in Godchannel, that "Body is the Master Healer of Creation?"]

This light has been so harmful that it has even hurt the Angels many times, and yet, the Angels involved have denied this. One reason was they thought admitting it would mean My Light was too much for them. When We said it was the build-up of light with no space open to receive it that was making this light harmful, blame went out toward the Mother, as though She were refusing to open space as some sort of revenge for what I was doing with the Angels. The Mother did not feel like opening space ro receive this light, and We forced Her to override Herself, just as was in the nature of this light already, by making Her do it anyway.

When this gapped rage rolled down through the Heavens and smacked the Mother out, part of the reality of what was happening there was the pressure of increased light I had generated with the Angels in a state of denied rage, forcing the Mother to open space to receive it. Then, when the Mother opened that space, gapped rage wouldn't stay in it, but rushed, instead, back in upon Me because it couldn't face its own reflection. And so, there it has remained , between My Light and the Mother. I empowered it to be where the Mother should have been by embracing it in the ways that I had.

The Mother was left, once again, in the position of being pushed into opening space and then left with no light to fill it, while the light said the space She had opened for it was not good enough for it. This light remained where the Mother should have been instead of going with its own Will and making peace, as it has to. What came to fill this space instead was the hatred the Mother felt for Herself then.

As a result, We now have a situation where almost the reverse of how it should be is what is taking place in Creation. Gapped rage now occupies the positions of power that should belong to both My Light and to the Mother. The reversals that are going to have to take place to rectify this may look to you like a lot of horrible things happening to people who may look innocent to you, but they are not as innocent as you think. Your best bet for moving your own lost Will involvement is to move with whatever you are triggered into by this.

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much from Him. When He withdrew from Me this way , I felt like an open sore that never healed, like a bottomless pit that could never be filled, and I slipped back into My old pain almost immediately.

I stayed in bed for long periods of time hoping rest would help heal Me since moving was so painful for Me. I hoped your Father would come back to Me and be what I wanted Him to be; loving, warm, protective, uplifting, strong, inspiring and also receptive to Me. I wanted Him to hold Me in ways that would let Me know He really loved Me. I wanted Him to hold Me in ways that didn't make Me feel I had to pretend to be different in order to be the Me He wanted Me to be. I wanted Him to let Me be Me and accept and love this Me, even if it meant I had to sob from dark to daybreak with the pain and heartbreak I already held in Me.

Instead He was brusque, dismissing and distant with Me. When I looked out on His life, it seemed to Me that He was busy being what I wanted Him to be for everyone else but Me. I withdrew My gaze, angry, frightened, jealous, stunned and hurt but I also felt guilty. I wondered what was wrong with Me that I coudln't also be there for everyone else the way He was, the way He seemed to want Me to be.

I felt so guilty for being in such misery, especially when I didn't know why it felt so immensely painful and overwhelming to Me. I didn't know where it came from or why it felt so big. Your Father always made Me feel like I overreacted and was way too dramatic. He thought I was immatue, self-centered and attention seeking, but I felt like He really wanted to say that I was trying to devour Him in order to feed Me.

Why couldn't I be His supportive partner? Why couldn't I be the wife He wanted Me to be, which was a wife who adored what He did and let Him be totally free? That way He could perform most brilliantly and always know that whatever He needed would be supplied by Me. I was lost from any concept of how to be Me; I just felt like I was a miserable failure at what your Father wanted Me to be.

Sometimes when He came to Me, I would feel hopeful that He had finally found some merit in Me or at least a need to relate to Me. I would rise enthusiastically toward Him. I hoped I would be able to make Him find Me interesting, but I would quickly feel I'd bubbled up with too much too quickly and that He found it trivial and uninteresting. I felt like He was only toleratng Me because He had a need of His own that He wanted met. I felt like his ear was

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only listening to Me until My talking had relieved some kind of pressure in Me enough that He could put the lid on it and have sex with Me.

He almost never touched Me unless it led to sex. When I mentioned this to Him, He said it was because I made Him feel that way. I tried to accept this because I wanted to be desirable to Him, but as soon as I did, I felt a reversal in Me as if the meaning was the other way; I wasn't desirable and that was why He stayed away. I couldn't ask Him what He meant for fear of what He might say. Paranoia knows what I mean when I say there was no way.

I wanted to feel like I was desirable to Him often and in many ways. I wanted Him to touch Me and hold Me without it necessarily being for sex at the end, and I say end, because shortly after sex, He was off and away, either so deep inside Himself that I couldn't reach him or out and away for the rest of the day. When He behaved this way, I was left with nagging feelings I coudln't put to rest that We were making a trade in which He would give Me what He thought best in exchange for getting what He wanted from Me. It didn't feel very good to Me.

When I tried to bring these feelings up to Him, He denied Me and said it wasn't true; helping Me was what He wanted to do. I wanted this to be true, but it still felt too often like He was helping Me to feel just enough better to be able to use Me sexually. The more I tried to bring this up to Him, the more He stayed away. Oh, how I would shiver and tremble and rage internally in hearbreak then. I loved Him and I wanted Him, but it felt like I was being a fool whose delusions of love were letting Him use Me. I wanted to tell Him that I didn't trust Him, and that when I didn't feel right toward HIm, I couldn't open up to Him. I wanted to say that I felt like He only wanted to touch Me to get His way. I wanted to say that this hurt Me and made Me feel like to have him at all, I had to give Him His way, and even say I was sorry that I acted and felt this way. But My mind would go blank and "I'm sorry that I am behaving this way. I'll try to do better," was all I could say.

Later, My feelings would come rushing back in. I would remember what I wanted to say to Him, but He would be gone, or else things would have moved to a place where it no longer seemed appropriate because I would have had to displace something else that was happening with Him, something nice, to begin again with the nightmare I was living in.

Most of the time, I felt so guilty, inadequate and sick inside that I would have welcomed anything that might have made these

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into by this.

It was not My conscious intent to hurt the Mother. Many others have used My excuses, but having loving intent is different than saying the same things I say as a cover for a power play. In My state of denial, I could not see past or feel past My own situation, and I hurt the Mother so badly, I almost don't have the power to heal Her.

If this seems melodramatic to you, move rage over the idea you have that the Mother's plight always gets priority over your own plight. Moving along with Me in anything that gets triggered in you is of crucial importance, because lack of movement means I cannot allow you to remain near Me. I will not have the power to heal the Mother if I allow My Creation to remain peopled by spirits whose main intent is to continue coming between the Mother and I in order to isolate and kill the Mother.

I am giving these teachings now in the desire that if you can move along with them, you can save yourself from being swept away and hurt by what has to happen to save the Mother now. The Four Parts of the God that I am has love for all of the manifested essence that has love in it. I do not want to see you suffer anymore from the lack of understanding that has brought Us to this place in Creation, but it is also not possible to override you and force you to make the choices I would have you make right now. I know that some of you are going to go down and wish, like the Hell you will find yourselves in, that you had not done it.

All of you who have wanted the Mother displaced and replaced with a mother according to your own image of Her need to realize that you are not right in the image you have of Her, and so while you may find this reality on your own, it's not going to be My Light or My Mother you will find.

The Angels, especially, need to realize they have no chance to replace the Mother in My eyes. The light We generated together is not loving light. All of this light contains Will denial that has been enforced by gapped rage. It is not possible to have love and gapped rage in the same place. If gapped rage is being held, all it is possible to have in the places where this expression is held back is the guilt that holds this rage back and calls itself "loving intent." All of the gapped rage that does not move now is going outside of Me as lost Light.

All the Mother contenders helped Me to understand Myself, but they also need to learn to understand themselves here. YOu are all going to have to move back now and let the right Mother have Her right place. You all had motives you did not allow Me to see, and

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in My own state of denial, I could not see them. I did not see them for what they were until I found them in Myself and moved past them.

All of the Angels who would not move back also helped Me to understand Myself. The more I studied them, the more I realized My Light was not all loving like I had thought it was. The Angels have always wanted My Light to remain in the image of always being right, good and loving. If the Will opposed this, then it was the Will that was wrong. I found out what the Angels were hiding as soon as I did not do just what they wanted Me to do. This hatred for Will of any kind has persisted in the Angels all the way along, but not in Me. I started catching Myself after I smacked the Mother out. When I no longer had Her to blame and I still found in Myself what I had blamed on Her, I knew I had to be more involved than I had realized. When the Angels talked of purifying themselves of these things by getting rid of even more Will essence, I knew they were not on the right track.

Lucifer has had all of you convinced that all you had to do was to go to the other end of Creation and set up a Godhead there and it would be more powerful than Mine, and he was going to take you there. You have been a long time going there and you have had as many excuses for that as I have had for not letting you go. I was reluctant to let you go because I could see what the Will was going to experience there with you, and I did not know how you were going to move out to the other end of Creation without any Will to take you there.

You have not been able to open the space for this Godhead you want to have or you would have done it already. The Mother has gone out and opened space for you to go into to have your Godhead, but She has needed time to heal from what happened to Her when she did this. Once the Mother opened this space for you, She was not able to get back inside of My Light for a very long time because She could not move Her feelings in response to what happened to Her there. She is still not all the way back inside of Me.

I am helping the Mother as much as I can, because I promised Her She would not have to stay out there with you once she opened the space for you. As soon as the Mother is all of the way back inside of Me, you go out there, but I cannot allow you to go sooner. This is also why I am saying to you now that you have very little time left if you are going to move toward My Light now.

Hell is what the Mother called this place, but if you like it, you may have another name for it; in which case, one person's Hell really is another's Heaven. What I am not going to allow anymore

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feelings go away. I was afraid of displeasing your Father. I was afraid He didn't love Me when I displeased Him. Even though I told Myself I had many reasons not to, I loved your Father anyway. I loved Him so much I could not stand it when He moved away from Me. I was terrified that He either secretly had, or wanted, another lover and that instead of seeking Me, He was calling for another.

I spent so much of the time when He was away heartsick, wishing We could and wondering why We didn't play and have fun as We did during that wonderful period of courtship when We were young. I feared it was because I had let Him see something, or He had found something in Me that He didn't love. I feared He had not found His time with Me interesting enough to want to continue spending His time this way, but He said it was just because He had grown up and had too many responsibilities.

I spent so much time dreaming about the ways I wanted to be with Him, I wasn't sure sometimes if My dreams were real or not. But when I would reach out for Him and He was not there, I would realize it was only a dream of desire in response to the hunger I had within. Sometimes when I couldn't stand any more fantasies which He did not fulfill as My lover, I would turn to fantasizing another lover for Myself, but this would soon bring My pain back to Me because I could not fantasize another lover without having to see that I had given him all the things I loved about your Father plus all the other things I was hoping He would discover within Himself and bring to Me to fill in the gap where He wasn't relating to Me.

I didn't want your Father to have another lover, but I felt too guilty to tell Him, especially since He'd had no opportunity to see if He preferred another. When He met Me, there was no other. I felt guilty that He'd had no choice of a Mother and also guilty at the idea of having Him choose Me over another; it hurt too much to be a denied lover.

As if that wasn't enough, then I'd feel guilty that I couldn't just let it all be whatever it was going to be. The idea that I could have it the way I wanted it and that it was alright to please Myself was, at that time, very far away from Me.

I felt so so terrible and could not explain why. I'd tell Myself it was no wonder He wanted to stay away. What right did I have to expect help from Him when He needed help too and I didn't have any help to give to Him?

I'd force Myself to get up then, determined to begin a new

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chapter in My life as his wife. I tried to be what I felt He expected of Me. You know the images. I'm talking about the images of perfect wife. No matter how many children we had, I was never supposed to look haggard or tired. The children were all supposed to be perfectly mothered while I looked ravishingly beautful and sublimely happy to have this position. The house, no matter how large it may be, was supposed to be beautifully done and perfectly kept, and everyone's clothes must look like pictures were going to be taken every minute of every day. nothing must be allowed to fall into disarray because a perfect exterior shows how well ordered We are inside.

Then , whenever Father comes home from His many "pillar of society" affairs, We must all flock to Him and adore Him, hug Him and kiss Him, let Him know how much we all loved and missed Him because He is the light of Our lives, the centerpiece of Our table and Our reason to be. This, of course, must be done with genuine enthusiasm and, yet, with the proper decorum and grace

Then, when He's had enough of being adored, if it's not too late, a perfect and perfectly beautiful repast must be served. The children must all behave perfectly properly; sit up straight and eat whatever is served, chew with their mouths shut, be seen and not heard.

Sometimes We had scenes, but in all fairness to your Father, He was usually kindly at dinner and conversed with you to see how well you were doing; but I dreaded Him finding any place where He thought you were not doing as well as He expected, because I knew how I would feel when He let Me know that it must be because of something I should or should not be doing.

Shortly after dinner, He would have had enough of His "little blessings" and settle down to relax, ready to internalize after His very long day. Still feeling full of dread, I would attempt to put you all to bed. While your Father waited for you to come and kiss Him goodnight, I was working to meet the demands you put on Me at night. It took all evening long to get you to bed. By that time, I was ready to drop and often did.

I did all this without any staff or help because I was the only One here, and after all, it wouldn't be fair to ask for help from someone else who didn't really care to do what I did; or who would only offer to help if I let them do it their way, which, they were quick to say, was moe efficient. I feared your Father might see them as doing bettr than I and make My helpers a replacement for Me, even sexually. I didn't want this to happen to Me, but also not

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is the mixing together of these two realities. So make up your minds now whether you like your state of willessness or not. There's no reason to miss the point here. Guilt is really most of the reason you've been given as much time as you have had already,[???] and the fact of the matter is, there is no more time left to give you. You've been given all the time there is.

Neither Lucifer nor the Luciferian Angels could have moved to the place I put them on their own, and this has allowed them to blame Me for it. They have always said that the place I put them is not their right place. They have denied their inability to open their own space by saying they should be God in My place.

Lucifer has always said that smacking him was a mistake on My part that showed I didn't want him to have any real power of the space to develop it. His idea of a Godhead at the other end of Creation actually came as a result of being smacked and wanting to cover the fact that, because of the gap I had created, he no longer had the power to return to My Light. What he did have, though, was the Mother, which has been the most terrible problem My Light has had to face.

Blaming Me made it very neat and tidy for all of you because you have all used this blame to disclaim your true intent. When it suits you, you all like to say that people make their own choices, but when you can't consciously account for it, you say it must have been meant to happen as though you have no control over it because some outside force, such as Myself, is making these things happen. Seeing how these statements have been used to obscure intent is the point I'm making now.

The issue of your hidden blame along with your claim that everyone creates their own reality and makes their own choices, and your insistence that everything happens for a reason, have inconsistencies in the ways you have been applying them. When your application of these teachings is closely examined, it becomes obvious that you have applied them in whatever ways are most likely to allow you to continue hiding what you have been hiding all of this time. I have in mind to expose the inconsistencies of what has been representing itself to be Spirit Polarity on Earth.

It is not right to take My place. I created it and I was there first, no matter what you want to say about it. When I threw Lucifer from My presence, I tossed him into his own space where he would have had ample opportunity to create his own Godhead, but he still has not succeeded and has blamed his failures on Me for not giving him the right situation, and by saying it was not right to throw him out of My presence. I would like to point this out: As big as Lucifer was

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representing himself to be, and as much space as he was going to need for the Godhead he claimed to want, and as much of a power struggle as he claimed We were in, any less powerful a throw would have only given him cause to claim I didn't give him enough space from Me.

If you really believe that everything happens for a reason and that you are creating your own reality and doing it right, then why do you have blame which you are trying to hide? You preach that everyone must accept what happens, but this, somehow, has not included anything that happens to you that you do not like. These things you have blamed on My Light, and even more, on Will and Body. Heart has seldom been mentioned as though it is understood that if it is Spirit, it is loving and above being questioned here. This needs to be looked at now. Everyone needs to see how denied your hearts are.

Will and Body have always been seen to be what the judgments against Them have been saying They are. They have never been seen as valid and equal contributors in the lives you lead as spirits. You have labeld Them "the basic self," or "the lower nature of man" and , at best, have only allowed Them a token role at your side until you get tired of struggling around with Them and move on.

It is time for you to notice that you have blame in the form of long held belief patterns that say negative emotions are not a part of My Light. According to you, phoniness and hypocrisy are part of My Light, or why would you claim to be and have My light and act other than how you really feel most of time? And if what you claim you feel is what you feel, why are you not vibrating entirely at the speed of light already? Where are you going to place the blame for this without admittng you have any blame?

You blame the Will for this, and you show it when you view yourselves as improving and correcting the Will every time you manifest this phony behavior. You also blame Body for the density He has and punish Him by not even making Him Divine. He is just a shell to be discarded, and you preach that nothing but joy should be experienced at treating Body this way as though Body has no consciousness at all. You cannot imagine how Body feels upon hearing this because you have never acknowledged your bodies in any way that would allow this consciousness to enter you.

I have seen that the moves I have caused you to make have not been the wrong moves for you. You have never acknowledged the Mother's role but you have always moved in response to Her, negative response. These are the choices you have made. the choices you have made have all been in favor of denied Will. You

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to you because they were lacking, I felt, in the love and the warmth and sensitive caring that I ardently believed was the most important thing about motherly care. I felt strongly that no matter when or where children were had or found they needed the care that they'd get by having a real mother around.

Your Fahter, however, had help, even more help than He needed, with whatever He did. He gave Me the feeling it was because everyone was more drawn to what He did. I felt stabbed in My feelings as if He might as well have said this was because they recognized that what He did was more important than what I did; stabbed like it was a popularity contest of some sort where everyone felt the same way about Me that He did. Your Father, however, would go on like He didn't know I was feeling these things. He would say no help He ever sent or gave was ever suitable enough for Me, so I had to recognize that it was I who had made it this way.

I felt guilty, as if I was unfair to complain when all He would say was that it was I who didn't know how to get the help that I needed, it was I who didn't know how to properly manage My day, it was I who didn't lay down effective guidelines to get the children to take up less of My day. It was I, always I, who must want it that way, or else was too ineffective to make it any other way.

And after such a speech as this, delivered with a smile that said He was right, if I tried to ask Him for help, since He was just relaxing at home that night, He still expected Me to be ready to come to Him later that night and feel like caressing Him lovingly and doing whatever lovers do according to Him. I would often drag Myself there to try to do it too, lest He feel jealous or deprived of this by you and for fear that if I did not, He would look for another who would have more to offer of what He wanted here.

In spite of all this, I did treasure many of the moments I had with Him, even though I also felt pressured as though I was inadequate, slow and limiting to Him. If I didn't give Him what He wanted, I found that He would withdraw rather quickly into whatever He felt was more fulfilling to Him. Whatever it was at those times, it went on inside of Him and was something I didn't feel included in.

Even though I felt all of these things, I made excuses for Him. I explained His behavior away by saying He was just doing what He wanted while I always had guilt to pay. Whenever I did ask Him to take Me with Him, He would say that He had His life and

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I needed to have Mine so that I wouldn't need to intrude on Him so much of the time. After all, He would remind Me, when He had tried to come into My life, it just didn't seem right for Him, and whenever He had tried to bring Me into whatever was fascinating to Him, I had immediately wanted to change it because I didn't like it the same way He did.

At times I felt so pressured it seemed like maybe I should give up My place to another. There certainly were others who were sure they could do a better job than I. My love for your Father did not want to let go of My place with Him, but My love for your Father also told Me the best way to love Him might be to let go.

It was extremely painflul for Me that He didn't love Me enough to want to be with Me more or to include Me more in His reality. I felt that I had a contribution to make to His life as His wife and He was making Me feel that I didn't. I couldn't see what was wrong with what I had to say about the way he envisioned and did things. What was wrong with a woman's touch? What was wrong with softness? Everything He did felt too masculine and hard to Me. Why couldn't He lean a little My way without so much dislike for this? More softness felt better to Me, but He acted like this was incompatible with His masculinity. "What about My femininity?" I wanted to say. "What happens to it if everything has to be Your way?"

I didn't like all the ways He was defining Himself, but nothing I said then made any real change in Him. He always criticized My point of view. Still, I loved Him, even though I could give Myself many reasons why it didn't make sense in a logical way.

There was so much about Him that terrfied Me and there is still some of this in parts of Him today, but He feels more friendly now, and also more receiving and more patient with Me. I, in return, have also made it easier for Him because I am more open now to understanding why He was the way He was and why He felt so terrifying to Me. But long ago, we did not have these understandings about each other and His denial of Me did not help My very great pain of heartbreak that so often it seemed He was not the One I wanted Him to be, not the One who knew how to make Me feel the way I wanted to feel and not the One to make a life with Me the way I wanted My life to be.

I ried to influence Him to be the One to fulfill Me in all the ways I needed and wanted Him to. I wanted Him to be the one and the only One for Me, but He acted disinterested in trying to be this for Me, especially after the birth of Our first Child and Son.

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have carried this to the extreme of making choices while claiming you are not making choices, only carrying out God's Will as though you know what God's Will is. Whenever it was convenient, you have even said you had no choice but to carry out God's orders because you only serve Him.

You have always made choices, though, whether you have had the power to move in response to them or not. These choices have moved you to where you are now, even if it has appeared that it was outside forces that have done this to you. You have always made your choices in response to your hatred for the Will. Even when you moved toward Lucifer, you moved in response to your hatred for the Will.

When I moved My feelings toward you and moved you toward Lucifer, you did not like Me for moving my true feelings. You have blamed Me for judging you and making you the Fallen Angels you are, and you have never looked at the judgments you made against Me. Oh, no! Instead, you have called your judgments My Light and have held the image of Me your judgments gave you. You have never known Me for what I am, any more than you have ever known the Will for what She is. In fact, you cannot know One without knowing hte Other. You only embrace light that hates Will.

So now , the moment of truth has come. Lucifer is going outside of My Light, and you need to allow yourselves to notice what is going to happen to him out there with no Will to hold the space open for him. [In Godchannel this is transformed into "Redemption of Lost Spirit"!] As long as it has taken for this time to come, there are as many of you who want to say that this time will never come, because this is all metaphorical and Lucifer is just the flip side of Me, just My Light in a state of denial. Hitler was a flip side of Me, but that does not mean that he is recoverable now. The essence in him that could move now has already moved and the rest of it is not ready to give up its position. As I have said, these serious levels of denial are nothing to take lightly. Because you are so mental, you cannot connect to the reality of what is really happening here.

Lucifer is as old as My Light. In this, he has not been wrong. His origins are My original bad intent toward the Will in the First Creation. He fragmented out of Me then and has never aligned with any of the evolution in My position toward the Will; quite the opposite. He has used it to evolve his means to kill the Will. All of the essence that can move in response to the Will's plight as a result of what happened there must move now. All essence that will not move toward compassion, acceptance and healing for the Will is going to have to go outside of My Light and have the experience the Will has had in whatever way this essence has to experience itself.

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If it is your intent to heal and align with My Light, then you are going to have to do what you have always been supposed to do. Open to your own Will and learn how to allow your own Will to be a vibrating equal with you so that you can have the experiences you need to have to learn how to live. I cannot keep you alive anymore at My own expense. I cannot hold back My own process anymore in order to help you with yours, nor can the Mother, or Heart or Body. You have Us for models and you are allowed to come as close to My Light as your own understandings bring you. The process has already begun that will make it so that guilt no longer allows you to come any closer than that.

This will actually be mutually beneficial, because you will no longer receive the overdoses of My Light which have sent you into so many misunderstandings for so long. If you are a fragment of My Light, allow yourself to notice that you are a Manifested Spirit now and that you have a lot of healing to do to vibrate at the speed of Light again. Love will help you heal here, but it is love only so much as you have receptivity to it. And I have to say once agan; you have no way to increase your receptivity to My Love unless you move the old charge you have been holding for so long. This includes moving your blaming rage toward the Mother until you can stop blaming Her for negativity that is really your own blaming raged toward My Light until you can stop blaming Me for your own misunderstandings, blaming rage toward guilt and toward Lucifer for making it impossible to know what was My Light and what was not, blaming rage toward Heart for pretending to be loving in ways that He was not, blaming rage toward Body for not being able to hold up under the stress of all this, and finally, blaming rage at yourselves for not knowing enough to keep yourselves out of the mess you have gotten yourselves into and for not being able to hold back your movements enough to heed My cautions that you were moving into places you did not understand well enough to be there. Once you get done with enough of your rage that you can move into terror, you will have to feel it. And so it will be, back and forth, between rage and terror until it is all finished.


ORIGINAL CAUSE

I have to give some understandings now, as I go back into the story. These understandings are necessary because the emotions the Will needs to feel in response to the story are going to make it seem

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HEART SEEMS TO COMPLICATE MATTERS

Your Father seemed happy and relieved after the birth of His very first Son, so much so that I didn't know what it all meant for Me.

When Heart was born, I had mixed feelings, like most new mothers do, but even more so since He was first. I was awash in so many feelings, occurring almost all at once in me, that I hardly know how to order hem sequentially. But first, let Me say that My love for Heart is there even though I didn't know what He was at first.

When Heart was being born, I did not know what was happening to Me. I felt like I was floating, overcome with sensations, focused within. I asked your Father to hold Me. Feeling Heart move through and out of Me felt like many orgasms all at once. When Heart was being born, it felt like such intense lovemaking I hoped it was coming from your Father and feared it wasn't.

When Heart emerged, I was stunned. I feared Heart was perhaps another lover. I had not thought, when I had called for another lover, of what I would do if another lover ever came to Me. I was afraid of what your Father might feel. What if He felt jealous and threatened, or even furius and betrayed? How was He going to react to such intense pleasure being given to Me by another? Immediately I was ashamed that I thought He cared at all; perhaps He would be relieved.

When your Father called Heart "child', Heart smiled. This startled and somewhat relieved Me, but I was still too frightened and stunned to reach for Heart until your Father encouraged Me. I had not thought of having a child come forth from Me. I already felt love for Heart, but when I took Him in My arms, I felt greatly relieved. I had love for Heart that was fulfilling in a new kind of way. I began to feel Motherly love pour forth from Me as if by magic, or as though instinctually, but I also knew somehow, that Heart was drawing this love out of Me.

Heart, Himself felt to Me like He didn't know for sure if He was supposed to be child or lover, but Heart seemed relieved and happy to be a child and not a lover. As My Mother love poured forth to Heart, most of Heart felt to Me like He was not a lover, at least not yet, but a loving presence who had come in answer to Our call for help to bring Father and Mother mote together. When His

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Father embraced Us too, We felt like a happy little family of three. I felt so relieved. I loved Heart and I thought I was saved from having His Father discover that I had made a secret call for another lover.

I thought His Father had a wisdom I did not have, and once again, knew what was good for Me. This Father was acting so expansively loving toward both Heart and Me that I had feelings of guilt and shame for the feelings I had been holdng undercover. I thought the smallness was in me and that your Father was both so loving and so free that He didn't even suspect Me of calling for another lover, or else was above it where He didn't care.

At that time, I didn't know that part of His expansiveness was also relief because He had been holding similar feelings about another lover on His side that He had not wanted to let Me discover. I tried to follow His example and behave more expansively. I even tried not to define Heart as child or as lover. I tried to let Him be free to discover what His role was going to be, but really, this didn't work for Heart or for Me.

Whenever I wanted to get together with His Father sexually,Ii felt guilty leaving Heart out and alone, but neither was I comfortable letting Him in sexually. Once Heart was born, there was no sexual arrangement and in fact, no way of relating with Heart or His Father that was totally comfortable for Me. When I was still holding Heart within Me, He feltlmore like a part of Me than He did now that He had manifested Himself separately. The more He grew within Me and the fuller I felt, the more I began to know that He was going to have to move out of Me. As much as His birth was a great pleasure and relief for Me, His manifestation was also a problem for Me. When confronted with the reality of Us as three, I could not resolve this problem in any way that felt altogether comfortable to Me unless Heart was going to have a mate other than Me who would also be a companion to Me. No matter how much I loved Us now as three, no mattter which way I turned, there were problems for Me. As much as Heart seemed to want to help, His presence raised many questions in me about what His presence meant to the relationship between His Father and Me.

His Father, however, didn't seem to be bothered by such things. He seemed to think that since He had given Me another companion, He could be even more free of Me. Soon, it was often just Heart and I, and I was again more and more filled with unfulfilled fantasies of His Father and I and of family life the way I wanted it to be, but I pressured Myself to let it all be and cherish

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like the Will is not going to be able to survive Its own movement. I want to tell you: If you do not move these feelings, you will not survive.

{to Ya'acov:} Understandings are necessary, because no matter how dedicated you feel you are to this process, you may try to stop the process when you get to this place. You may say this process is taking you no place but down. You may say you cannot go into these feelngs because it is impossible. You may say it is impossible to move these feelings. You may say it is impossible to move these feelings and live through them. There is so much to heal here you are going to think healing is not possible and that healing is not happening. If you do abandon the process, there will be no other choice possible for you but to have what you do not move precipitate into your outer reality.

You may already be feeling mental terror reading this, but you are going to have to go into the real physical feelings of terror you have been avoiding for so long. If you have a feeling I have tricked you to get you to come this far with me and then tell you there is no turning back, you are right. I have tricked you in that I want you to live.

If you are Will, you are feeling a frightened urgency about moving this. If you are Spirit polarized, you are going to think you do not have the feelings I am talking about here. If you are Spirit polarized, you are going to feel that the urgency of the Will is making you feel pressured unfairly.

[6/6/99, only this date is noted here, but I know exactly where I was - in my bus-in-repair outside the Alpaca Farm - during the interim of 7 weeks between my lekhi-lakh from Succah in the Desert and my going-down to Egypt] Since you already have the information that could allow you to move these feelings and you have not recognized the depth of the material being presented to you, you need to allow Me to help you understand where these denials lay hidden. I am going to open the door little by little and you are going to have to go through it little by little.

The feeling of these feelings is going to give you many understandings you need. What you need to know now is that you hated the experience you had here, and yet, you do not even know what it was because your emotions were so desperate. You hated your emotions for responding the way they did and you hated yourselves for having these emotions. You felt trapped in your experience. You blamed Spirit for pushing you into it when you weren't ready and you blamed Will for not being able to handle what was happening. You have blaming rage to move along with your terror that it is impossible to heal this.

In the times ahead of you on Earth, there are going to be many hardships. It is going to look like most people are dying and like the

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Earth is not going to be hospitable to you anymore. Partial explanation for this is that it is the Mother's rage, long held back, over how She has been and still is being treated. During these times, there will be no place to hide and no survival skill you can learn that will enable you to survive if you are holding denials that are resistant to movement. In the times ahead, you may be surprised when you see that many of those against whom the Mother has the greatest vengeance are those of you I have been addressing who think you do not have anything to move here because you are already good people who think of yourselves as among the most gentle toward the Mother.

The Survival Chakra has already started to move rage over the ways it has been denied and unrecognized for what it is. In the Book of Revelation in the Bible, the opening of the Seventh Seal is the movement the Survival Chakra needs. "Without the mercy of the Angels, there will be no survival," means that unless the Spirit Polarity moves in response to the Will, there will be no survival. I want you to realize that the Seventh Seal is not yet opened. The movement in the Survival Chakra you are seeing now is the Survival Chakra sensing that the time is near when the Seventh Seal must be opened.

And yet, in spite of all I have said about allowing your Wills to move, most of you still go past emotion whenever you can and allow the Will expression only when you have to to "shut the Will up." This approach is continuing to empower the gap which is filled with ugly pictures of what it might have to do to "shut the Will up." What needs to move here is your rage against the Will. You have many feelings to feel about the gapped rage that smacked the Mother out of Creation.

Gapped rage is something that most of you who are Spirit polarized think you do not have. You are so gapped from it you do not think you have it, any more than I thought I did. You are so gapped from it, you can sit and wonder how I could be so gapped, which is a way of saying tha either I am not God, or you are more conscious and loving than I am because you do not have these feelings.

Gapped rage is most of the reason the Will has not been able to heal, and most of the reason the Will is in the grips of futility and hopelessness. Futility and hopelessness are a major problem of the Will and you need to understand why the belief is so strong that there is no real power in the expression of emotions and that, in most case, expression of emotions only makes matters worse. This is a very large jugdment against the Will and has many patterns

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the moments We did have when We were all comfortably relating as a family of three.

I wished God would be more present with Me, but I had Heart for a companion now, so I tried to let His Father be more free. I wanted companionship, but the problem was, companionship was what often led Me to feel like moving sexually. Heart was a child but He was also more than that to Me. He was a companion in many ways that I wished His Father would be and this was sometimes making Me feel like I wanted to move sexually, but I had more feelings opposed to this in Me.

Emotional confusion did not allow Me to see that I could have perhaps manifested a mate for Heart by letting this essence move out of Me. I had fear about whether this would mean that Heart would then abandon Me, leaving Me to watch Him have the relationship with His mate that I wanted His father to have with Me. I was confused about love and what it was. I wanted love to be free, but I got possessive when I was hurt by feelings that what I loved wanted to run away from Me. I wanted Heart to be free, but I also wanted Heart to be with Me. The part of Me that wanted Heart as a lover did not propose to Me the idea of moving out of Me. Instead, this essence was insisting to Me that it still wanted to be Mother and I did not like the idea of being a Mother who would take Her own child as a lover. Something about it did not feel right to Me, but whenever I would argue this internally, that part would say that I was too constricted and unwilling to behave more expansively, and would also say that Heart was not a child, but a lover.

I did not feel so, but that part of Me was making Me feel guilty by saying I was making a differentiation that was not fair to Heart. I had trouble with this because Heart had come so long after His Father and Me and did not indicate that He knew all there was between His Father and Me. If He was as old as Us, where could these understandings be?

I was so confused, I didn't know how to move, and when I asked Heart, Himself, He didn't answer me. I thought He didn't know, and Heart still has a lot of lost Will to feel to know, but Heart did not let Me know then that He had a rage at Me that thought He knew better than His parents and did not like the treatment He was receiving from Them. This rage became even more amplified when the Father of Manifestation came along and was not treated as child, even though He appeared much later than Heart.

I loved Heart, but I did not feel like I wanted Him to replace

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His Father or be the same kind of partner for Me. No matter what angle I approached this from, I still longed for His Father to be more present with Me. I didn't feel comfortable with the idea of expressing Myself sexually with a child who had been born from within Me. I felt most comfortable with Heart as a close companion. Heart did not seem to mind, and He did not seem to require sexual intercourse from Me. I liked this, and at first I thought I felt more free, like sex was not the only reason for another to have interest in Me; but distrust crept in between Heart and Me as I began to wonder if We were playing a game We didn't want to see. Perhaps we were free to not have sex, but when Our feelings did feel like they might want to move sexually, I wondered if I really was free to not have sex with Heart of if He was tolerating this as a matter of courtship.

There was uncomfortableness between Heart and Me. We did not really speak about this and We did not resolve it, other than by moving apart untl We felt differently. Sometimes I would go to your Father and try to ask Him to meet this need in me, but too often, when I got there, these feelings were no longer present the same way in Me. I feared and wondered what this could mean about the love between the Father, Heart and Me. Did We all want Heart to be both child and lover?

The way your Father so often said I was limiting to Him, I couldn't help but wonder sometimes if He had done this on purpose to Me. I wondered if He had sent the child from within Himself forth to play with me so that the rest of Him could be free to pursue what He thought didn't interest Me. after all, He had been so quick to recognize Heart as child and then leave Him as a companion for Me.

It was a very loving gift He had given Me, but I also couldn't help but wonder if there was more to it than He was telling Me. Perhaps He was waiting to see what effect this was going to have on Me when I experienced some of My limits in place against Me. Perhaps He was handing back to Me what it felt like to be limited sexually. Perhaps He was waiting to see how I would like being limited in the ways He felt limited by Me, for it was true that as much as I loved being with Heart, at times, His companionship felt limiting to Me and I longed for what I felt only His Father could give to Me.

If He had sent Me a child, what did this say about the way He viewed Me? Did He see Me as an equal who could be what He wanted Me to be or did He see Me as a child and send the child in

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manifest.

All of the movement in the Will you have been doing so far has been necessary to get you to the place of understanding from which you can heal these severely gapped emotions, but I also know I cannot ask you to continue to move emotions while in some part of yourselves, you all still hold the belief that moving emotions is impossible, futile and hopeless. Healing is impossible this way because this belief will always create its reflection. I am also not asking you to stay with the way it is or has been. Survival is impossible this way.

I am asking you to go deep enough into your Wills to change ancient  i m p r i n t s . I am asking you to go so deep into your Wills that what has been thought to be instincts will be changed. This is how man will evolve to a higher plane of consciousness.

The movement of the lost Will here is going to allow this evolution to take place and this is by no means a simple task. This is going to be the most difficult thing you have ever done, and yet, the most necessary thing you have ever done.

It is not going to be possible to have this evolution by rising above the lost Will that needs to move now or by just letting it go, as so many have proposed. I can also tell you it is not helpful to fix upon images of what is going to be involved or what it will be like to go through this evolution because these images ae all based on the level of understanding that you have now. To change this belief in the futility of the emotional expression and all that is involved here, you are going to have to go into the place where this futility set into the Will. I am now going to tell you again when it happened.

This futility set into the Will when It fell in space in the First Creation. most of the Will had presence with the Mother when I pushed Her, or as I referred to Her then, "the Thing", out into space in the First Creation. As the Will was falling in space, It had the feeling of falling faster and faster. Everything was happening so quickly, the Will did not have time to make sense of what was happening to It, let alone understand it. It did not know where It was going or what would happen to it. The Will felt Itself being more and more overwhelmed by a desperate, panicky and horrible terror, made even more horrible by the terror that there might be no limit to how horrible the terror could get, or that a bottom of some sort might be struck where the Will would remain forever stuck in this terror.

The Will had no previous experience to help it. No understanding came into the Will from My Light. The Will could not stand

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what It was feeling or the experience It was having, and did not know the difference between them or if such a distinction was even possible. The desperation in the Will resulted in many disagreements within the Will Itself as to how Its situation should be handled. Even though these disagreements rose to a fever pitch of intensity and even violence, the Will had no time to resolve any of the issues or gain alignment within Itself.

As far as the Will is concerned, the experience It had is the experience of falling in space, and the Will knows nothing different. The experience the Will had then is the experience the Will is having now because It still holds most of this within It, and as long as this is held within, it is being created without.

At the time the Will was being overwhelmed with horrifyingly terrible feelings It could not stand to feel, the Will tried everythng It knew and nothing helped. The Will could not do anything to help Itself and nothing came to help the Will. The Will struggled desperately to get out of these terrible feelings, but was overwhelmed and crushed to death by a pressure so great the Will felt powerless in the face of it. The Will struggled as hard as It could and was crushed down into unconsciousness and numbness by a power so great the Will could not overcome it using everythng It knew; The Will could no longer vibrate.

As the Will's consciousness was being crushed from It, the Will descended into the deepest terror It has ever felt, where every moment seemed like an eternity in itself, and then the Will lost Its battle against unconsciousness to overwhelming, unbearable compression, choking suffocation and unbearable and unbreathable heat. Unconsciousness here meant the Will shut down to the rest of what happened to It, and yet, even what was experienced in a state of unconsciousness will have to be recovered.

The Will lost consciousness the way most people die who die in terror, fighting to escape what is happening to them. The Will even lost essence to Its own violence against Itself, similar to the way people do who feel compelled to jump to their own deaths off of high buildings to escape a fire.[September 11, 2001!]

Most people do not think they have to move this Lost Will because they have pushed it so far away from themselves, they are convinced it has nothing to do with them, but this is not right understanding. The lost Will people I am describing here are always dying in situations, such as natural disasters, that reflect what was experienced in Original Cause. If they were victims of the Will's own violence against Itself, they die in situations such as stampedes of people trying to escape the disasters that are overtaking them.

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Him to be with Me? I felt Myself growing heavy with unresolved ponderings, but these were questions I did not feel I could ask and these questions were not answered for Me. For some reason, I could not fit Heart in comfortably. I felt torn between child and Father instead of comfortable as a family of three.

Whenever I tried to carefully look and see what part your Father might be playing here, He was so unrevealing it triggered a reversal in Me which said I was placing way too much importance on Me. This reversal also said that Heart wasn't as interested in me as I was in Him and that was why He wasn't pressuring Me about My limits on Him. Then something else would say, "You just can't let it be, can you?"

I tried to . Having Heart for company, I was less lonely now when your Father spent long times away from Me. In some ways, I was more distracted from the problems your Father and I had gotten so stuck in, and in some ways, they were even more glaringly obvious. Sometimes I felt painfully embarrassed in front of Heart about how seldom his Father came to Me. In so many ways, Heart became the One in whom I could confide. He seemed to accept feelings in Me that His father did not accept or ever seem to see. In these ways I felt a bond of trust growing from Me to My first born Son. I felt drawn to tell Him many things I had wanted to share with His Father, and I secretly, and sometimes not so secretly, hoped He would or that He could, at least influence His father to hear what I had to say.

But He couldn't , or at least that's what He had to say. Soon after this started, Heart told Me it would be easier for Him if I didn't tell Him such things because He didn't like the position it was putting Him in. He said He felt like a go-between in a relationship that really wasn't his. He wanted Us to have a direct relationship with each other and not make Him feel awkwardly involved in ways that didn't feel comfortable to Him.

Heart said He wasn't comfortable having input from me that was meant for His Father. He said His Father seemed to look right into Him, but wouldn't let Heart tell Him a single thing about anything I had shared with Him. Heart said He didn't know if this meeant His Father could see everything and so didn't need to be told, or if His Father didn't want to be told about certain things. Heart said He felt so uncomfortable He didn't think His Father wanted what was happening between Mother and Father and Mother and Son to come out in the open and confront Him with feelings by means of His Son.

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I felt then that I had bubbled up too quickly with too much again , and that had made Heart feel unfairly pressured. I felt terribly guilty , like I had been trying to use Heart, and use Heart wrongly to gain My own ends, and to avoid facing the position I was really in. I felt so ashamed and wrong about giving Him things that were meant for His Father that I tried to hold these feelings in as much as I could. I loved Heart and did not want to make Him uncomfortable. I was terrified of feeling the feelings this has stirred in Me.

There were so many things I wanted to tell Heart that I now felt I could not dare to share with Him. There were so many things I wanted to hear about from Heart that He didn't tell Me and now I was afraid to ask. I felt a creeping self-loathing for the wrong that I felt was in Me. I was feeling as uncomfortable now with Heart as I had been feeling with His Father. I was terrified that Heart would leave Me the same way His Father did. I did not know if this had come from His Father directly, indirectly, or not at all, but I felt like hiding from both of Them because of what I was thinking and feeling They were thinking and feeling about Me. It seemed even more now like there was no one for Me.



THE MOTHER TRIES TO SHOW ME HOW IT FEELS

Soon after that, your Father apparently considered Heart grown enough to be a companion for Him because He began to take Him over more and more. It seemed to Me like Your Father went into a huddle with Heart and shut Me out. In so many ways, I felt so unwanted and so alone. The more I approached Him without feeling received, the more unattractive and undesirable I felt and the more My self-loathing grew. Your Father was not seeking Me out very often at all. He hardly had anything to do with me for such long periods of time that I went through millions of changes, not all of them good and including going unconscious in places.

I tried everything to find a way to include Myself. After all, your Father said He wasn't excluding Me. He said I was excluding Myself. But, when I did try to come in, I had to do it on His terms. This felt very limiting to Me. I liked many of His visions; they were pretty, but they were too dry or maybe too mental for Me. I did not know how to explain it to Him at the time, but now I would say They were lacking in emotional content and I needed emotional

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There is no move these people can make to help themselves unless the Light which has never penetrated them gives response to what they are feeling and experiencing.

Most people think it would be guilt that would respond here and that they are guilt-free because they do not feel a need to respond here. This is not guilt-free thinking; this is denied guilt. Some call response here human decency, others call it "bleeding heart Liberalism."

I am not asking you to move outwardly to help these lost Will people, or to do anything you do not really want to do. I am asking you to allow the feelings you really do have in response to what happens to others, including the rage you feel toward the Will for seeming to always put Itself in harm's way. Movement of these feelings will lead you into what your own lost Will is experiencing.

When the Will imploded, or went back on Itself, the terror was imprinted with many things, but what I want to mention now is the terror that the darkness has more power than the Will, and therefore, has power over the Will, and the terror that either the darkness has more power than My light, or My light intended this for the Will.

This initial experience of going back on Itself is very deeply imprinted in the Will, underneath the many layers of conditioning It has received since that time. The Will has many times thought of going into this place with healing it in mind, but so distrusts Its own ability and power that It has not had the courage to do so. The Will has also never felt it could trust My Light to know or to give what It needed here.

As long as this imprint is still in place, it means to the Will that underneath it all, everything is futile and hopeless. The Will fears everything that reminds It of this experience or even looks like it might be heading toward this experience. The Will often cannot even stand the feeling of going fast anymore unless It is the One in control.

The Will was so deeply imprinted with terror, It has never wanted to touch this place again, and yet, I watched it happen with the kind of detachment you have when watching a shooting star. Later, when this experience began to surface in the Will, I was so disconnected from it, I did not recognize it for what it was. To Me the Will had a problem that was not Mine.

The Will has had a feeling for quite some time that It must move here because holding back has increased Its problems, but the Will has had the problem of feeling this is Its own problem and not Mine. The Will tried not to bother Me with this but has had the

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feeling that I must help it. In addition to this guilt, the Will has also held back and cooperated with the Spirit Polarity in denying Itself here because the Will has not wanted to feel these feelings ever again.

In fact, the Mother begged Me many times not to ever make Her feel these feelings again. When I could not promise Her this, it compounded Her terror of everything involved here and Her terror of Me. Now, the Will has finally become so desperate that She knows She must move this lost Will no matter what. At the same time, the Will is terrified of what will happen if She does not get the response She needs. Because of the judgments made against Her, the Will also has the terror that She is not right to have these feelings.

At the time the Will was having this experience, It saw holding back and pushing down the thoughts and feelings It was having as the only possible path because the experience It was having was so unbearable. Holding back and pushing down caused loss of consciousness, and yet, there was no other alternative for the Will at the time. The more It expressed and tried to vibrate, the more the Will worsened Its own experience by trying to vibrate without any Light present for It. Expression, in this case, meant that the Will was opening and receiving nothing but darkness. The Will was smashed between Its deperate desire to survive and Its growing realization that there was nothing It could do but try to give up to death, in spite of Its Survival Chakra, which fought unconsciousness until it could fight no more. The Will blamed everything for Its desperation, but the Survival Chakra received the most blame for not allowing the Will to escape Its misery by giving in to death.

This experience of the Will was the most important single event in Original Cause, not only because of the denial and loss of consciousness, but also because the Will has never been allowed to or been able to move through this experience. Instead, the Will has remained trapped in it ever since it happened. Even recovered parts of the Will do not know whether such a horrible experience as this will happen to It again or not, because the Will has never been able to understand what caused it to happen the first time.

You all have hatred and blaming rage toward the Mother for this deep imprint of terror you believe you can never heal. This gapped rage has been punishing the Mother and taking whatever action it can take to avoid feeling this terror. The Mother even holds this gapped rage present against Herself. The Will Polarity hates the Mother even more than the Spirit Polarity here, because even though they were not yet manifest, they received the imprint in

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content to keep Me interested and make me feel comfortable.

Being invited into His mind, in those days, was sort of like going into a museum where there were many fascinating things, but I wasn't supposed to make noise and I wasn't supposed to touch or move anything, let alone dance around and play with any of it

When I did those things, I feared He thought I was a child. He seemed overly serious and scientific to Me, and He let Me know I wasn't supposed to disturb Him for long periods of time because He needed to focus in this way. I thought He was much too serious and that He didn't take Me seriously enough to think I had any input of value. Nothing I did got the response I wanted from Him. He just looked more stern and annoyed, until I felt I had better go away. I was so afraid of your Father I coudln't say any of the things I would so easily say today.

Then I tried to get your Father to come to Me. I tried everything I could come up with having to do with looking, speaking and being My best. I tried to entice and even seduce Him. Nothing worked. Sometimes I would feel so lonely and frustrated at havng such an unresponsive lover, if He even was that anymore, that I would cry and have fits. When He still didn't respond, I was heartbroken even more. Sometimes I got angry and I developed angry speeches inside of Myself in which I accused Him of many things, including loving himself very narcissistically and loving Heart more than Me.

Packing these speeches as ammunition, I sometimes went to try to confront Him, but if I gained access to Him, these words always fled My mind under the intensity of His stare. I would be left blank, and wondering why I was standing there no better prepared to face Him than this. When your Father asked Me what was so important that I had come and disturbed Him this way , I would feel clammy and shaky as I tried to think of what to say. The words wouldn't come out the way I'd rehearsed them; I would even stammer and be unable to say anything that I meant. Often unable even to return your Father's stare, I would feel unequal and weak, like I didn't belong there. No matter what I tried to say, He would beat Me to My point and reason its validity away. I would hang My head in shame, feel wrong and go away.

I had a miserable self-image already, but I held Myself up as best and as long as I could. Falling down was frightening to Me. Falling down and not being able to get up again was terrifying especially when there was no one there to help Me.

When My fears were overwhelming Me, I sometimes heard

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voices talking to Me, telling Me I should not be afraid. I often tried to do what they said, but it was only an act. It did not help My feelings to feel better or more brave; only more ashamed, guilty and afraid they were not what they should be. [July 17, 2012- a sharp memory: Rafael, Frankfurt, Old City, May 1962] These voices seemed to be a part of My own mind turning against Me. This was not good, but I did not know it then. I thought even My own mind couldn't stand to be with Me and wanted to join your Father and Heart in turning away. I coudln't understand why My life was turning out this way. I coudln't understand why My feelings were making everyone want to abandon Me instead of wanting to understand and include Me the way I wanted to be, so that I wouldn't have to feel this way.

Oh, how I wanted to, but I couldn't look to your Father for understanding about why it was this way. Just the looks He gave Me before He had anything to say felt like they were going to wither Me if I didn't look away. I thought I was feeble of mind and body that I coudln't find it within Myself to be strong and happy living this way.

After He took Heart in, I wondered what I was even doing there hanging around the edges hoping for little bits and pieces of what, I didn't know; I just felt like I couldn't live without your Father's Light. I wanted Him to love Me and take Me in. My neediness had shame in it that was a broken-hearted beggar woman; a cast off, sickly hag, and no matter how My pride shored Me up and made Me say that I was a desirable woman your Father would be a fool to cast away, My fears persisted that the truth was not that way; and I feared even more that He was trying to find another lover, one who would be different from Me. I even feared that in spite of all His talk about Heart as a child, He had decided to take Him as another lover.

The thought of not being with your Father was terrifying to Me, but I wanted to force Myself to see as much of reality as I could, so I watched your Father from the sidelines as much as I could without seeming to be obsessed in a way that He wouldn't want Me to be. When I wasn't watching your Father, My fears would well up even more about what He might be doing that I couldn't see. I tried to remind Myself that your Father did not belong to Me and that also He had never mentioned to Me that He wanted another lover, but as soon as I started to talk to Myself this way, there would be another voice to say "There are so many things He doesn't tell you, why would He necessarily tell you if He wanted another lover? The simple fact that He has turned away should be

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their Will essence in the same way fetuses receive imprints from the mother while still in the womb. This is original Cause for damage to babies in the womb.

The problem with the Survival Chakra's healing here is that it was embryonic in the Will when it became imprinted with this original experience in the Will. When Red was finally born, it was born already imprinted with feelings of desperation, extreme rage and terror it felt blamed for having, and the feeling that survival was impossible whether it moved or not.

It was not possible to manifest the Will Polarity in advance of this experience because We did not even know you were there yet. Consequently, the feelings the Mother has to move here, you have to move also. As Spirit, you need to move along with My Light because you have never moved through this experience either.

Instead of moving through this experience, the part of the Will that has been holding it has been pressured to continue holding it and has never been allowed to move it. Whenever It has tried to move it, the Will has met with gapped rage from spirit and even from the rest of the Will Polarity that hates these feelings. Guilt is about all that has held back true response here which is wanting to kill the Will. This is not wrong response to have here since this gapped rage has not moved through this experience either.

Gapped rage needs to move through its experience here until it is able to feel compassion for what happened to the Will; enough compassion to allow itself to realize that terror of the Will's experience caused Spirit and everyone else to want to kill the Will. This gapped rage must move without actually killing the Will, and this is the tricky part, because the Will needs to experience enough of this gapped rage to move Its terror of and rage toward what gapped rage has done to It.

Intitially, I intended to kill, or get rid of, the parts of the Will I didn't like because I could not stand the feeling I received there, but I didn't admit to my bad intent for a long time. I just said I pushed on the part of the Will that was so bothersome to Me, later realizing it was because My Light needed to expand, and that part of the Will needed to move back. I did not consider that the magnetic nature of the Will meant that most of the Will would be pulled out with the part I pushed on, or that the magnetic draw of the Will would pull most of It away from Me until distance and speed of descent (sic) would cause the Will to break apart and leave behind only the Will My Light was holding onto.

I saw this magnetic draw as an act of revenge on the part of the Will, while the Will had the experience of feeling unable to hold

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onto Me. Lack of emotional movement here kept Us deadlocked on this point for many long eons. From My point of view, I could not trust the Will and I did not move enough here to touch into My fear. I went into gapped rage instead and blamed the Will. Whenever it looked like the Will was pressuring Me, I let go of the Will and said it was the Will's fault.

The entire Will Polarity has been stuck holding the essence that has been having this experience. The Mother is able to move this now consciously. In the rest of the Will Polarity, it is embryonic in its presence and needs to be born into consciousness.

The part of the Will that did not experience going back on Itself, I called My Will. This was the part of the Will I liked because It had obviously aligned with My Light. I did not understand, at the time, that Its only virtue, making It seem so preferable to Me, was that when It originally opened, It happened to receive My Light instead of the guilt and darkness the rest of the Will received. I said the Will chose to hold what It was holding.This made the Will responsible for what I was experiencing while allowing Me to avoid My fear. I let the Will feel inadequate when She was pressured by My Light and dismissed Her in the places where She said I didn't have enough Light.

The part of the Will I called My Will does not have the experience of going back on Itself. This part of the Will has held My Light and the light of the Spirit Polarity together, but there was not enough Will essence left with Us to be able to move. Consequently My Light grew cold from lack of movement and began to lose brilliance. I began to sink in space without realizing what was happening to Me because I had no point of reference until I fell to where the Will had gone.

I felt almost nothing because I was sinking so slowly and because that part of the Will was gone . I was aware in My memory that it seemed as though I had had more Light in the past, but mostly, I was aware of how cold I had become and of how frustrating it was that I seemed unable to move. When I suddenly struck the Will and ignited again, I didn't know what had happened at first, I just knew that I got warm and that I had found a presence I had been missing without knowing it.

The lost Will that needs to move now did not get ignited then and the rest of the Will needs the understandings It did not get then because Its ignition happened so quickly. All of Us need the understandings lost Will has to offer here because no one has fully understood what happened. My Light does not even know yet. I am waiting for the Mother's movement to let Me know.

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enough to say He's not drawn that much Your way. Besides," the voices would say, "everything You fear in the Father, You find in Yourself the same way."

I didn't know what to say or what view to take. My feelings were always the most real to Me, but how could I go by them when they were a sea of confusion sending mixed messages to Me? How could I be sending anything but mixed messages to your Father and to Heart? even if I knew in most of Me what I wanted, the rest of Me still undermined My certainty. What was love? How did it feel? Did I love? Did I love incestuously? Did I love narcissistically? Was love possessive or was it supposed to be free? Did I love only when the object of My love was pleasing Me?

Relationship was so confusing to Me and direct communication was so lacking between your Father and Me that I could only sit and wonder about many things. I wondered what messages your Father had given to Heart unbeknownst to Me. Sometimes, just the fact that I wondered caused Me to think I was accusing others of low-mindedness that was really Me. Sometimes, sitting there all alone, I angrily thought God and Heart were both low for not including Me. Then reversals would turn around and say They knew what They were doing and if They were doing it, it was because They were much wiser than Me.

I wanted your Father to be wiser than Me. When He was loving toward Me, it was comfortable and the way I wanted Him to be. I wanted Him to be wiser than Me, but in a way that I could understand and agree. Now it seemed He was teaching Heart everything I had wanted Him to teach Me. This made Me feel like Heart was more important to your Father than Me. Then when Heart, at times, started sounding like His Father, I wondered if the limits I felt in Heart were somehow caused by Me. I had many feelings, including wondering who Heart was supposed to be. I couldn't help but see His Father in Him? What role was heart going to play? If He had answered the call for help from His Father and Me, what did He see this help to be? Was He going to be able to bring Us more together, or like His Father, did He want to forget about Me? Was child what He really wanted to be? If He was a lover, whose lover was He supposed to be? Was He a lover for His fahter, for both of Us, or a lover for Me?Was He supposed to be a lover for both of Us together or alternately? Had Heart gone to His Father because I woudln't let HIm be a lover with Me, or was this where He really wanted to be? Did His Father not like Heart taking after Me? Did His Father take Heart away to draw Him

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more toward what He wanted Heart to be?

I watched your Father trying to find answers here as much as I could, but it felt like so much was hidden from Me that I couldn't be certain of answers based on what I could see. My feelings of fear never subsided unless your Father came to Me and made Me feel like He was going to take good care of Me, hold Me tight, Make Me feel secure and confident that He was there for Me and that He was not going to replace Me with another.

He so seldom did this, there came a point where a large part of Me finally decided that I couldn't make Him relate to Me if He didn't want to. Going on this way was driving Me crazy and pushing Him even farther away. I had to let it be His way and let Him be free. I tried to make Myself agree and behave accordingly. If He was free, then I could see if He was really going to come to Me because that was where He wanted to be.

This really taxed Me. Even though My mind had decided this, My feelings couldn't really let Him be free. They couldn't let go of Him and I felt terrified of Him letting go of Me. I was angry that I loved Him this way and that I longed for Him when He wouldn't come to Me. The idea that letting Him be free might mean He woudln't want Me, and wouldn't come to Me, was too much for Me, but I hid this and tried to act like He was free.

I was obsessed with your Father. No matter what else I might have been seeming to do, I was always more focused n looking to see what your Father was doing, hoping He might want to say something to Me, send for Me or come to Me. I coudln't imagine any other life for Me. But when I watched your Father, I had to let Myself discover that He did have another lover. He was in love with His own mind more than He was in love with Me.

I tried to make Myself accept this. Even though it didn't feel that good to Me, I didn't see that I had any other choice. I tried to let Him be. I tried to follow His example and be more of a self-contained unit also. I tried to be more independent. I tried to find more in Me, make more of Me, be able to rely more on Me. I tried to do as He did and look for My self-fulfillment more within Me.

I tried, but I didn't do very well. I found too many places I didn't want to, or couldn't go into inside of Me. They were too unpleasant and I couldn't seem to stop popping back out of Myself, wanting your Father to go in there and help Me see what was happening to Me. I felt I couldn't do as your Father was doing, and when He woudln't help Me, I felt like there was then no place for Me to go..

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Meanwhile , the Mother has not fully moved into this space because of all the blaming rage being hurled at Her for even suggesting it is necessary to go there, and because of Her terror of going there, in case it is the same experience it was in the past. This backlog of emotional charge has to move first before the trust is going to be there for the Mother to go in and recover this lost Will.

There is a massive amount of conditioning here that says going near this place only means repeating the initial experience, and the initial experience will be repeated again if what needs to move here is not moved in the right way. All of the elements are already manifest on Earth. If lost Will is not able to move and, instead, gets pushed out with what has to go now, everything will go down with the lost Will, just the way it initially took place in Original Cause. If you think it is hard to heal the Will now, it will be much harder if this happens to It again.


LUCIFER

If you want to stand apart from the subjective experience of this and say that it is just the breathing in and the breathing out of the Universe, just the going down and the coming up, or that implosion and explosion are just flip sides of the same energy, you are not going to be allowed to live within My Light any longer, because you are Lucifer and nothing more. Such Willessness is intolerable to Me, now that I know what it is.

I was fooled by Lucifer Myself for quite some time because My Light looked so brilliant to Me there. But I found, by feeling it in My Will, that it is not loving light if it has no intention of embracing the subjective aspects of reality.

Those of you who do not feel what the Will feels here do not know what it is because you have never experienced it. You have the part of the Will that did not go back on Itself. You have what has been referred to as the Angelic Will, My Will or Divine Will. All of the rest of the Will has been, and still is, lost Will. In order to know what happened there, you are going to have to recover your own lost Will which is not in your body now and can only be received if you make a conscious choice to open and receive it.

The Will cannot continue to move and move without Spirit Polarity moving in response to the Will. It is not enough, in the face of all of the terrible suffering in Creation, for Spirit Polarity to remain unmoved emotionally and say, "If it could have been an-

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other way, it would have been another way," or, "I have always been there, I just could not reach you," or,"You have chosen this."

All the Will gets from this is the implication that it is the Will's fault because something is wrong with the Will. This lack of movement on the part of the Spirit Polarity is allowing them to overlook their role in keeping the Will trapped in Its suffering by refusing to recognize the movement necessary to produce real change.

When Spirit does not move emotion, It gives the Will the impression that Spirit views emotion as something messy the Will has to move and that Spirit is not needing to move here because It is perfect already. The Will has no freedom of choice when It tries to move in the presence of Spirit light that won't move in response to the Will. This is cold and lacking in compassion and the feeling of love.

As a matter of fact, this lack of emotional movement in spirit polarized people is a massive avoidance of many things you have not wanted to allow to come to the surface. You have, literally, drowned and buried these things in darkness and hoped they would never find their way to the surface again. YOu have used gapped rage, the same as all other spirits who hate this part of the Will, to try to make sure these things would never make it to the surface if they ever did try.

I am going to bring all of the drowned and buried pieces of lost Will that have any willingness to move left in them to the surface, so you might as well take a look at them. If you have intent to heal, you need to allow youselves to be triggered.

At a very hidden level of denial, Spirit polarized people have always wanted to claim superiority to My Light by claiming they were not involved in My original push on the Will. Spirit polarized people want to say they have chosen not to be involved in such instincts and that they are horrified by such primordial instincts. The Spirit Polarity embraced the part of Me that denied having pushed on the Will. They also say they were not manifest then so they could not be responsible for what happened. They have also embraced the part of Me that said if the Will was pushed on too hard, it was another entity, not Me that did it. These denials have to be looked at now.

Unfortunately, most of the Spirit polarized people are not taking Me seriously here. Instead of allowing movement in whatever emotions they have in order to find out if these teachings are right or not, they have been dismissing these books because these books do not fit in with the image of God they already have. These people have Lucifer in place of My Light, and most of them know it, but
[June 25, 2012: A flash: a new level of understanding why I let myself be born into the German people and then moved on to live with the Jewish people: I always say, that in Germany the gap between the cultural elite and the rest of the masses was more formidable than anywhere else, it was there, that Denial Energy could ravage. When my eyes opened to the Holocaust, in January 1959, I understood, that I was responsible, [not to be blamed, since I was born in 1938 3 months before the "Crystal Night", i.e. the first horrid pogrom, but responsible]. It's only now, that I understand the full implication of this responsibility...']

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To distract Myself from the great disappointment of My seemingly endless, unchangeable, barren and lonely fate, I took, as you know, to staring into outer space, but even there I did not find solace because that was when I began to hear what I came to call the "lost ones" calling to Me from "out there." Their thin, little wailing voices upset Me so much that they became something I could not leave your Father alone about. My feeling was that they needed immediate rescue, while your Father seemed content to ignore them. I felt urgent; He said, "All in good time." The more urgent I became, the less responsive He seemed. I hated him incalculably for this, but I tried not to show it because My emotions seemed only to make Him more resistant to My point of view.

I could not understand His resistance to helping them; expecially when He seemed to be so loving. I was hurt and enraged, but I didn't let Him know because He seemed so sure that I was wrong to want to move the way I wanted to move here. I wanted to go out there and get them before we did anything else in Creation. My feelings were intense here, but My fury felt pounded down into impotence because I was repeatedly overpowered by your Father's reasoning, which cleverly, I thought, put most of the problem right back on Me.

He said I expected too much. He said He did not want to move that way because it was not the orderly progression He had in mind. He employed Heart to pressure Me to get in line with Him about this.

I wanted your Father to help Me rescue them and bring them in, but He seemed to be so insensitive here that it was as though He wanted Me to go where they were, if that would shut Me up, rather than get involved in My feelings here. I was terrified of going out there alone. I wanted to bring them in instead. I began to concentrate on trying to pull them in, but then I began to wonder how I could help them if I could not change your Father. He seemed as cold and heartless toward them as the outer space where they were already trapped.

It was during this time that the Father of Manifestation first appeared. He seemed to come from behind, or around the side of your Father. He was so much My fantasies that at first, I thought He was only in My imagination. I thought He was My fantasy of your Father finally coming to Me in the Form I wanted Him. I was afraid to move for fear of dispelling this. I so much wanted a lover like this to come to Me that I held My breath watching My fantasy come toward Me. Was this your father coming toward Me? Had

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He been working on this within Himself? Was He now coming forth to see if this was pleasing to Me? I wanted this to be true, but something was already tellng Me that reality couldn't be this wonderful for Me. When He touched Me, it was startling to realize He was really there. Everything seemed so dreamlike. He was so much My fantasy and I so much wanted Him to be your Father that I didn't dare leave My eyes open for fear of what I might discover.

The Father of Manifestation gave Me no time to go through any of this. He immediately pulled Me into Him and began thrusting Himself into Me. He was almost raping Me. There was something so intense and forceful about Him that I hadn't experienced before. I liked it, but I was also afraid of Him. It seemd as though He could have been your Father making love to Me angrily as a way of saying, "I've come to You! Now are YOu happy?!"

When I could, I looked, and I was terrified to see that your Father appeared not to have moved. He was still where He always was. What was going to happen now? Then, quickly, there came a voice that said, "What! Do you actually think they are going to fight over You?"

I winced. I was frightened and I didn't get My balance in time to say to your Father, "Let Me present someone I just met. I don't know where He came from, but He came and made love to Me. I had a fantasy lover in mind, but He was always a You I embellished to make You the way I wanted You to be, and so, You see, I was so carried away in dreams of You that I thought He was You until it seemed I awakened in some way and was shocked to see that You were still where I last saw you."

I had no such balance then, and there was no precedent set to make Me feel I would be received if I had had the presence of mind to say such a thing, which I didn't . As a result, the Father of Manifestation never felt like, and was never made to feel like, a rightful part of things because We never moved enough to make Him His right place.

Like the blues songs where the man never asks himself why the woman wants another man and just labels her bad, your Father never asked Me either. If I tried to tell Him, He didn't want to hear about it. He just labeled Me bad. He did not move toward Me. When I couldn't hold Myself back anymore, I moved to call the Father of Manifestation but I didn't know I was doing this. I just felt something was missing in your Father that I had to have in order to feel right. Your Father had a problem with the Father of

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they do not allow it to be mentioned. Instead, they say he is God and I am not. They talk about love, but if you feel them, they do not feel loving. Most of these people are remaining focused on their plans to leave Earth. They view Earth as going down, just as they have always thought.

Earth is not going down because the Mother is aligning with My Light. If you choose not to move along with the Mother, you choose not to open and receive your Will, then Lucifer has you and it is him you will go to when you leave Earth and not My Light as you think. I just want to make this clear so that whether or not you take Me seriously here, you will have made your choice with all of the information available to you.

As I have said, Lucifer is not love, as you will find out if you go with him. Since Lucifer claims to be God in My place, many of you think the idea of Lucifer is a silly superstition, or even worse, that I am Lucifer and Lucifer is God. There is much to learn about why this confusion has so much presence on Earth, but you can only learn it if you allow your Wills to vibrate and tell you what is what by how it feels.

I have already gone through this with the Spirits in the Heavens and those who have refused to receive Me here are already moving away from Me and no longer mention My name. Many of them are near Earth now to see who will go with them. If you go with them, you are going with Lucifer.

If you go with Lucifer, whether you return or not is going to be up to the Mother. She will have to come after you because you will not be able to escape from Lucifer without help from the Will you have denied to get there in the first plalce. And just as it is now, it will be then: The Mother cannot risk it if She is not sure you will receive Her.

Lucifer has many tricks that have made him appear to be more enlightened than My Light. One of his best is the image currently embraced on Earth as enlightenment. This image is a rather cool and detached presence that does not stir in response to what goes on around it. This is represented as inner peace, and these people are seen as so full of light that they are barely on earth because they have evolved past Earthly desires. This is not enlightenment; this is willessness.

Lucifer has nothing, overtly, to do with the sensuality and passions that have been identified with the realms of the Devil. Lucifer has been getting away with passing himself off as God because he disdains all sensuality and passion, teaching that it is all the trap of the material world. Those who seek "the light' as he so

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often likes to refer to himself, must rise above the material world.

But Lucifer is the Devil. Lucifer is involved in all the passions in a state of denial, which means he is in reversal against them, punishing all who have desires they believe are wrong, trying to force them to give their life up to him.

If you are not sure how what I am saying here could possibly be correct, you need to feel the undercurrent of rage these people hold against the Will by feeling the rage you have upon meeting this reflection that is always saying it is teaching you but you never learn well enough to be able to do as they do and attain enlightenment. There is constant blame put against Will and Body here. Detachment from Will, cold detachment to the plight of the Will, in fact, is being passed off as the virtue that leads to enlightenment.

The more Spirit polarized people embrace this image and move toward cool detachment, the more frantic, urgend and light deprived the Will they are denying becomes, until it looks to Spirit Polarity like it is intolerable to be around the Will, and it looks to the Will like It must present a false Will which pleases the Spirit to gain any acceptance at all. It is no wonder lost Will has swept in from time to time and thrown these people down, such as happened recently in Tibet. Their inner peace has been at the expense of the Will.

When Spirit polarized people who embrace this image of holiness and enlightenment offer to help Will polarized people, they act subtly superior, and like to put themselves in the role of therapist or healer, because they believe they are superior to the Will. They advise peple to let go of their pain and their problems without allowing the movement in the Will that would bring them into full consciousness. They say emotional movement, especially free emotional movement, is not necessary or even advisable, because it is the negative emotions that are causing the problems. They advise rising above negativity, seeing it for what it is, which, in fact, means seeing it according to the judgments they hold against these emotions, and then letting it go to be dissolved in the light,[June 25, 2012: my disappointing, yes devastating experience with Ayelet Menahemi, who traveled through the world to make a film about Vipassana...in 1991, I think] which they are so graciously shining. Or , if they take the mental approach, they try to help people to talk themselves out of their feelings.

These people have fooled many because they can often shine a white light that seems soft and non-invasive. Without a vibrating Will to let you feel them, you cannot know what is really happening to you. This is dangerous; very dangerous, and healing is going to be impossible if this goes on much longer.

The image of holiness and enlightenment being presented here feels just sickening to the real Will because it is a presentation of

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Manifestation because I called for Him before He was ready, and so your Father could not recognize the Father of Manifestation as His own Body. Consequently, all spirit polarized people have used bodies rather than having them.

I suffered with the guilt of this for so long, but now I know your Father wasn't ready because He never was going to be ready unless He moved toward Me, which He wasn't doing and which He was not admitting He had to do. I moved because I did not know how to make Him move toward Me when He didn't seem to want to.

I did not know then that I could have solved a lot of these problems by just moving My rage and terror. I was too afraid of Your Father to move anything more than a little grief. It seemed impossible that your Father would have received anything more. No matter how loving your Father appeared to be, I knew at the feeling level when My expression was too much for Him. I could feel Him pull away even when it was imperceptible to Him and He claimed He was not doing it.

Denial had Me fearing for a long tme that I was paranoid, but I was not. The Will can feel this; infants can feel this. Most problems have arisen because the Will needs acceptance it is not getting . When the pressure in the Will has become greater than the fear of the pressure against it, the Will has burst forth. The repression falls back then, overwhelmed, but overwhelmed only for as long as it take to build enough force to pressure the Will back down again. Unfortunately, when repression of the Will has felt overwhelmed, there has often been gapping and the use of unloving force. This has happened repeatedly because no real relationship has been established between Spirit and Will in these areas.

From the beginning with your Father, all My actions were colored by held emotion. Although I had a sense of this, even a strong sense at times, I could not see it very clearly because I had no situation without held emotion to show Me how it could be any different. When going ahead with action didn't bring Me the experience I wanted, I tried not to move again. When emotional expression did not bring Me a feeling of acceptance, I tried not to move again. I usually didn't move again until I couldn't hold back anymore. My situation was preventing Me from seeing any other options. I was manifesting the extremes that the presence of a gap always manifests.

I've been doing this forever, until now, I'm not sure where balance is, except that I feel like I will know it when I get there.

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Going through all of My emotions has convinced Me that this is what has to be done as much as possible before acting out, but this is especially important as long as there is still a gap pressuring old charge to remain in the Will. The gap was thought to be nothing but space, but it is filled with things that have an unseen role.

We had many gaps in Us from the beginning. The Four of Us were as gapped from One another as a leaky ship that has been hit by cannon fire. We weren't sea worthy, and therefore, we unfolded a very gapped Creation. It does not matter what the vision was; Creation never reached it. Because I cast off, so to speak, before your Father felt sure He had the know-how and the wherewithal to fill the space I was opening the way He wanted to fill it, He blamed Me and My "illegitimate affair" with the Father of Manifestation for irresponsibly spilling forth Creation before He was ready, and for making Him feel like He had no choice but to run along behind Us trying to throw as much Light as He could into the space We were opening and the forms that were filling it.

Heart absented Himself here and in so many other places that the gaps this was creating made heartlessness more present than Heart. At the time, We all thought We were just holding back what did not seem loving in Ourselves in order to be more loving. By the time I noticed Heart absenting Himself from Me most of the time, He was with His Father more. Since Heart's absence was so instrumental in the gaps that were being formed, I would like God to tell you about this because He has more understanding of what was happening with Heart here. I was full of impressions of what I felt was going on with your Father and Heart, but since They denied most of them to Me at the time, it is easier to have your Father just come straight ahead with what needs to be said now.

HEART HOLDS HIS FEELINGS OUT OF THE PICTURE THINKING IT IS MORE LOVING

Heart was a problem from the moment of His emergence, but We hid this as much as we could in favor of the love that was felt there. How could We make a new presence feel unwelcome right away by flying into a fight over all of Our unresolved problems about relationships?

Although we had been calling for help, We did not know what form it would take. The form of another manifestation was not really expected other than that the Mother had felt a growing

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false Will. Many guilt-ridden people who have lacked the understanding and self-acceptance to let themselves feel how they really feel have allowed themselves to be convinced by this image to let go of parts of themselves they are going to have to recover.

You have not, yet, allowed yourselves to notice how far Will denial has gone on Earth, and therefore, you have not been able to realize why it is happening. Earth is the Magnetic Polarity of Creation. Without Earth, nothing lives. Consider the chances for Creation if something drastic does not happen and happen soon.

Guilt is the reason the Will Polarity is participating in Its own suicide here, and this Guilt has held back the vibration of the Will so severely that It has fallen into a dangerously ignorant unconsciousness. Spirit Polarity has been encourageing this, either from the folly of pretending to be more conscious and knowing than It really is, or from deliberate intent to keep certain things from coming into consciousness because they have a vested interest in this avoidance.

I want you to realize that most of these Spirit polarized people know what they are doing here, whether they deny this knowing or not. The more you deny your Wills, the more they are able to lead you like lambs to the slaughter and even get you to help them do it. It is their intent to deliver the death blow to the Mother, and thereby, to all of Creation.

These people always act superior to and annoyed with those who cannot let go of things as easily as they can, but it is even worse than that. Many of these people have repeatedly institutionalized, imprisoned, tortured and murdered people just for having the emotions they hate so much. The dark and seamy underside of many gurus, healers and therapists is a hating gapped rage toward the Will, and yet, they have so well emulated My old image of holiness and knowingness that it took Me quite some time to realize they were reflecting My own rejection of the Will and My own gapped rage which I have used and also denied having, in order to preserve the image of perfection I thought I had to have to be God.

This is Lucifer, and it is not going to be easy to undo, so don't advance on it in your outer reality. When you start to recognize it, just work on healing the gap you have within yourself. I will tell you more later about why the Spirit Polarity does not want to allow the Will to regain consciousness It has lost. For now, please observe My caution and do not move against the outer reflection of the gapped rage against the Will. [July 17, 2012 - Is the violence of the Israeli police against those Ethiopian citizens "a reflection of gapped rage against the Will"? Whose gapped rage? Please let me understand better and then let me know how to respond to my son concerning his question: "Am I racist against the police,
hardly being able to hold back my violent response?"]

This gap is self-hatred in a state that does not include the ability to recognize itself for what it is. The Guilt involved here in holding back this emotion for so long has made this gap very

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dark. Since most of you are only starting to turn your consciousness toward this Guilt, you are only starting to see the reflection it has to give. Since you cannot, yet, see this reflection for what it is, I do not want you to go past the cautions I am giving along with these teachings. Neither do I want you to make these cautions into rules. These cautions are appropriate for the circumstances in which they are being given.

If you do have intent to heal, you are going to have many hard times to go through to recover your lost Will. You are going to have to accept the position of following Me and realize that you can never catch up with My Light because I am already moving what you have not moved since Original Cause when I didn't like the Will and tried to reject It. In these places, you have identified with the denials in My Light instead of with My Light. If you have Spirit polarization, identifying with the denials in My Light is the main reason you became dense enough to fall into physical form on Earth. You are all Fallen Angels, and whether you recover or not is up to you. The longer you resist Me here, the farther behind Me you are going to be which is already much farther behind than any of you want to admit.

THE UNSEEN ROLE OF DENIAL

When I found out what I had done to the Will, I never wanted to hurt the Will again. This was My conscious intent, although I did not realize how to implement it. I thought I had to hold back certain of My feelings. In lack of understanding, I hurt the Will again and again and said that I was not hurting the Will, the Will was just unable to forgive Me for what had happened already. I did not understand what My denial here was doing. I did not understand that I was creating another gap or how I was feeding it as well as the gap I already had. In short, I did not understand how evil was being created.

At first, the gap was not evil, it was ignorant and could have evolved from there but wasn't allowed to. The longer, so-called, "loving intent," which was actually full of guilt, told the gap to hold its movement back so that it would not hurt anyone, the more this essence began to believe the conditioning it was receiving, from a God who saw Himself as never wrong, that the desire to kill or hurt another was what this essence was. The loss of Light from lack of vibration complicated the problem many times over. When the loss

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fullness within Her and did not seem to be able to expand enough to contain it. The Mother at first thought She had failed Me when Heart popped out. We had thought it was the feeling of love expanding within Us and the Mother thought Heart's emergence meant She had not been able to accept and embrace My love for Her in such a way that She was able to keep it. She thought Heart's emergence meant that My love for Her had retreated due to some inadequacy on Her part.

I knew that We had been calling for something to bond the love We had found between Us, and although the Mother was ashamed of any feelings of unlovingness between Us to the point of not wanting Me to approach them, I knew that I had been calling also for something to help Us find love where We had not found love between Us already. We did not think that this help would manifest as a presence that would place itself between Us. The Mother, at first , drew back in fear that this presence was going to separate Us somehow.

You need to notice how, in spite of Our best intentions to focus on the loving feelings We were also getting from Heart here, these impressions imprinted in Us faster than Our thought processes could even realize it was happening until later when we looked back at it. This is an important understanding to have and not one to take lightly in understanding the importance of feelings being allowed to have spontaneous movement in the moment as much as possible.

The fact that this has not happened is largely the result of judgment of this as an unloving thing to have happening. The judgments against this, along with the imprints which have been left in place because of this, have had the combined result of no spontaneity left in people at all. This is the stuff that gaps are made of and not something that is going to be reversed easily because of the many imprints with massive conditioning piled on top that say spontaneous expression of feelings is unloving and an impossible way to proceed.

As the cosmic balancing principles always have a turn-around point when imbalance goes too far, soon it will be impossible to proceed without allowing emotional expression. As you have seen in the micro what happens when some people cannot hold back their emotions anymore, so you will soon see in the macro if no other way is found to relieve the pressure in the emotional body. It would be best for so many reasons if this correction of serious imbalance were to be sought willingly in the presence of love,

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acceptance and understanding, because healing found in balance is needed more than another pendulum swing.

Initially, in the name of the love that was there, I embraced Heart in the hope that He was the love which was missing between Us. The Mother embraced Heart in the hope that He was the love that was between Us and neither of Us wanted to look at the possibility that Heart was also the lovelessness that was between Us. When We could not look at all of Heart, We could not help Him with His problems.

The most difficult issue for Us to face with Heart was whether We wanted a child or not, and if so, what was this going to mean to Our relationship. How were We to handle Heart when we were used to what We had thought was a private relationship between the two of Us.

I could see Heart wondering if He should have emerged or not, but He said nothing. I thought Heart hoped He was the One who could help Us in the ways We had been calling for, but He seemed unsure of Himself in direct proportion to how unsure We felt about having Him. We did Our best to make Heart feel welcome, but it did not seem like Our efforts were able to affect the imprint Heart was already working with. At times, Our efforts seemed like nothing more than an "I love You" litany We repeated with Heart to try to get Him to move past Our uncomfortable feelings that love might not be as present with Him as we wanted it to be.

It was not possible for Us to go back to before Heart was and do it a different way and there was no sending Heart back. Even if there had been a way to send Heart back to wherever He was, or whatever He was before He emerged, the love that was there couldn't have allowed this. The Mother, especially, couldn't stand any mention of how We might send Heart back, and especially not when He was such a loving child as this.

No matter how We felt at times, this was not a solution we saw ad possible for love to take. However, the question of children coming without their parents feeling they have called for them has never been resolved. It is not possible for children to come without their parents calling for them, but parents, in their unconsciousness, often do not know they are calling fore something and do not often know what they are calling for or why they are calling for it. Often they get reflections from their children that they do not understand.

The love that is there, and also guilt, in most cases, keeps parents from moving against these reflections in the ways they might like to, and guilt has not been wrong here since the form this

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of Light became severe enough that the survival of the essence was threatened, the Survival Chakra got involved. This all happened long ago and has not moved since.

I was horrified at what was being created here. I hated and feared Myself as not loving and felt even more convinced that I must hold these feelings back and never lose control of them. It was not My conscious intent to create this. I could not understand why I had this in My consciousness at all since I thought I had learned that the Mother was loving toward My Light. I was not sure how these feelings were being created and I could not see the role holding back was playing. I felt trapped by what was in My consciousness. I blamed Myself for having these feelings and when I finally got rid of them, I was greatly relieved.

When I saw them manifesting outwardly, I didn't think they were My own feelings that I had pushed out. I thought the Manifested Spirits were having the same problems learning about the Will I had had. I saw them as needing to evolve past these feelings the same as I had done. I made many excuses, at first, for the lack of evolution in these spirits, but I also had blame for them which I denied. I did not see that this reflection was being created by denial of the feelings I had. I thought that not having these feelings anymore meant I had evolved. I did not see how the holding back of any of the other feelings I had, including the holding back of the blame, was compounding the problem.

At the time, I felt I had no other choice but to hold back and push down the feelings I had judged originally hurt the Will. If the Will could not receive Me here, it looked like I had no alternative, just as the Will had no alternative when It opened and My Light did not come in. How could the Will receive Me here when I wanted to kill It? How could I be present for the Will when I could not stand the feelings I received from the Will?

Because My Light was so compressed and losing so much consciousness here, struggling desperately in Its own way for Its own survival, I could not understand My own gap. When My gap moved, it insisted that it wanted to act out My denied rage and that it had to act out this rage to feel satisfied. Until I allowed My own gap to move enough to get some Light into it, I could not understand that I had acted out My emotions instead of just allowing direct expression of My emotions. The next step, then, was to allow direct expression of rage rather than acting out rage against the Mother by hurting or killing Her. After allowing direct expression of My rage for long enough, I realized that I had acted out My rage to avoid My terror.

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My initial mistake had been My own denial of Myself. I had not allowed My feelings expression enough to know if it was the Will I was receiving or not. As it turned out, I was not receiving the Will, but only what the Will was holding. I did not allow the Will to move enough to give Me the understandings I needed to be able to help the Will with what the Will has desperately wanted Me to help Her with all along because I couldn't stand what I felt when I went into those places. I am ashamed to say, I left the Will to hold what felt so terrible there in order to escape it Myself.

The people who are Spirit polarized have not moved either way here. On the one hand, your terror and hatred for the Will has you frozen in time and space, and on the other hand, you are not embracing My Light either. You are repeating, over and over, your same tired old messages about love, but your light is not increasing because you have not understood that no matter what you generate, you can't hold onto it without Will presence that is vibrating. You have not allowed your Wills to move enough to embrace Light. You have judged them so heavily, you are forcing them to hold guilt instead, while you say you are not losing light, you are only shining it freely, and giving it away, as love is supposed to do because attachment to it is not right.

YOu have always said you had consciousness within Me before you manifested, and therefore, you were already the same as Me when you manifested. You have even represented your consciousness to be superior to Mine because you claim not to have made the mistakes I have made. You claim not to have moved along with My mistakes, but you have not moved along with My evolution either. You are seriously gapped from My Light and have not wanted to admit it. You have tried to account for Our differences by saying you are more evolved than I am. You have, in fact, embraced My denials instead of My Light. If this were not so, why have you not embraced your own Wills as I did Mine once I learned more about Her?

I am not going to make excuses for you here because you are the ones who have always said that We all make Our own choices, and through them, create Our own reality. Whatever reasons you had for making the choices you have made, you did not see what your own denials did here or what they opened you to in the places where your Wills should have been.

Even now, if healing is your intent, you cannot be present for the Will unless you move your resistance to the Will first. This resistance has been in place since the initial fall of the Will in space. You have never moved through this experience, and if you are

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needs to take must be found first. As parents move to solve this in their own unconscious, the reflection from the children will move toward solution. As it stand now, most children who emerge with fear that they are unwanted, are counting on being able to win their parents over once they've emerged.

And so it was with Heart and He did win Us over. "After all," We used to joke, "even if We sent Him back, He's probably already seen and heard everything We're worried about keeping HIm away from in Our relationship now."

It was a poor joke and one Heart did not find funny either. It came from Our uncomfortableness about how conscious or unconscious Heart might have been before He emerged. The Mother especially, felt self-conscious about what Heart might have experienced with Us when we did not know He was there. We did not find the self-acceptance we needed to approach these things directly with Heart and Heart did not approach them directly with Us either.

Nonethieless, I felt We had to take the plunge. I suggested that as a group, We look around in the realms of Our experience and see what could be learned. The Mother greeted this idea with fear of what She might feel if I made Her look at things She did not want to look at, but Heart did not respond to this suggestion at all. He let My Light take Him all over the place without responding, as though one thing made no more difference to Him than another. Heart did not respond like He was present in the past, the future or even the present experience We were having as a group looking at Our own experiences. Heart seemed so strangely blank I did not know what to make of it. Heart, Himself, did not seem to notice it and gave the response that He did not know what I was talking about when I asked Him about it.

He seemed content to let the past go with the statements that He had a feeling He had always been, but He did not demonstrate the consciousness of always having been. It was as though He couldn't go back in His consciousness at all beyond the point of His emergence. He felt like there was nothing there for Him to go into, but My Light felt and knew many things from moving in a way that I called moving backwards into Myself. I did this quite often and My Light delighted in telling stories of how it felt and what was going on in My consciousness before I was awakened by the Mother. Heart listened to these stories and did not respond in any way other than to look more distant at the end of them than He was at the begining.

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The Mother always seemed to want to say that She had been there before Me, but I did not want to listen to this because I knew She had not been conscious of anything until I came along. She often tried to make Me feel that I wasn't just so right as I thought I was and at these times, I thought that her fears of looking around were because it would show She was not correct in Her views. At other times, I thought that Her fears were because there either was, or She was trying to make Me think there was, another lover and She was playing a hiding game. Sometimes, for reasons I coudln't understand, She wanted to taunt Me and tried to make Me jealous. This didn't make sense to Me because I was quite sure there was nothing there when I found Her; but nonetheless, I had a nagging feeling that there was someone there before Me and it seemed to Me that the Mother played on My feelings here in a manner that seeemed almost cruel at times. These feelings of Mine about someone else were present as a background unsettledness between Us which the Mother tried to quell by insisting I was the only One, while at other times, playing with it like She was not sensitive to how this made Me feel. The Mother was fueling this for purposes of which only She knew the reason.

When Heart said nothing for long periods of time and did not come up with anything We were hoping to hear from Him, the Mother and I both felt He was distancing Himself without explaining why, and We felt left to wonder why, without Heart ever supplying any answers. Whenever We questioned Him, He seemed to agree that it was whatever we said. Often, in situations like this, the Mother and I would feel like We had gone off into a sort of relationship sparring (sic) thing that We did and that Heart's presence was reflecting this to Us in an unfavorable light. We would feel guilt. the Mother would make excuses for Heart that put the blame on Us and then we usually tried to bring the conversation back around to something We thought Heart would approve of or be interested in.

This time, I said that perhaps the beginning point of consciousness was accompanied by a feeling of always having been there because there was no memory of not having been there, but this did not work as a conversation point to bring Us togeether.

The Mother who always seemed to want Me to accept feelings whether or not they were founded, suddenly became furious with Me here, saying how could something be there forever if it couldn't remember anything? I knew She could not remember being there forever and I thought She might be jealous of My seeming

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going to move, you need to move now because you have very little time left in which to move and a very long way to go.

This movement is going to be very hard for you because you have never known the Will. You have never had what the Mother and I had with One another before you were born. You have acted out what you think it was, but you have never known the Will. Until you move here, you cannot know the Will or even be present for the Will. It is not being present for the Will just to allow It to move in your presence. This is only going through the motions of being present for the Will; it is acting out being present for the Will without really being present for the Will.

Being present for the Will means being real with the Will and responding to the Will with what you really feel toward the Will. The Will cannot move and get no response from the Spirit. If this is what is happening, then you are giving the Will nothing more than a guilt reflection. But how you are going to do anything else is a problem. When you try to move another way, you will find you do not have a Will with which to move.

Perhaps this will help you to get outside of yourselves and understand how the Will views you. You have always wanted to say you are love and understanding, so why doesn't the Will just receive that and calm down? If you are not moving in response to the Will, you cannot give the understandings you do have appropriately. If understandings are not given appropriately, they cannot be received, any more than you can receive these books if you do not do the emotional movement that is necessary. The farther you go into these books without doing the emotional movement necessary, the more it is going to look to you like you are just being hammered into the ground by a guilt reflection that is continually saying you are not alright as you are because you are trapped in a state of amost total denial and too unconscious to figure it out.This is the reflection the Will is giving you and guess what: This is exactly what you have been giving to the Will. now, you can either go on insisting you are right or you can let the Will help you bridge the gap which has been judged to be an impossible gap because you cannot bridge it without the help of the Will.

What happens and how it happens is really up to you now. My Light is already moving here and My Light is not going to allow anyone who does not move in response to Me to remain close to Me anymore. You have to get moving and move a lot quickly or you are not gong to make it. The Earth changes are almost upon you and there is very little time left to get those denials moving in a manner of your own choosing.

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If you choose not to move, as you have for so long already, you will be moved by external forces greater than your power to resist. If you still refuse to align with My Light, then you will be gone, history, lost Light, for as long as it takes the Mother to feel like coming after you. After She cleans up the mess you will have left behind you on earth, She is not going to feel like coming after you for a very long time, so long that you will not even have consciousness left with which to wonder if it is ever going to happen or not.

If you still want to say you have nothing to move here and you cannot understand how My Light could be talking this way, you need to know that this is My Light talking through the openness to receive it [?] and I am the One God in Four Parts that has alway been, and always will be for that matter.

You have plenty to move here and if you do not think so, you are not giving your real response, any more than the Will has been able to give Its real response to you. There is fear on both sides of what real response is going to mean and what will happen then. It is not going to be possible to move the imprint of terror in the Will, which you hate so much that you have preferred trying to get rid of the Will to feeling it, unless you move your gapped rage. No matter how you may promsie the Will you will not gap, the Will cannot trust you here unless you move what you need to move and what you have not moved in response to the Will.

Every time you lift out of these feelings, and say you do not have them, you are moving yourself farther and farther away from your Will, from your chance to heal and from the Universal Consciousness you want to claim, as Spirit, you already have. You have to move rage you have been saying you do not have and terror you have not allowed yourselves to know in response to what the Will has to move, and yet, I must caution you that it may not be possible to move in one another's presence at first.

The gap is "out there" in the form of the Father Warriors who are saying to you, just as they did to Me, that you are not doing your job right on Earth. This is because the gap is powered not only by My denials, but by yours also. The gap has taken over almost all of the positions of leadership and power on Earth that you, as Spirit Polarity, really feel you should have. It is your denials that have caused you to try to solve this in your minds by saying that power and materialism are just as ugly as the Father Warriors are showing it to be and, therefore, you are right in renouncing it. You are hiding behind the phony genteless that having made these denials gives you.

The governments on Earth represent the Spirit Polarity, or the

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acceptance for the idea that Heart was. It felt like Heart took this as a slam at Him, but I thought the Mother had a feeling here as though I wasn't appreciating Her age and ancient wisdom. She was obviously extremely agitated, but would not express it in front of Us.

I told Her it was not possible for Her to remember before She was and that My pressure for Her to go back was not pleasant for Her and something She resisted heavily and that consciousness could not be faulted for coming into consciousness when it did, so certainly She should be able to understand how it felt to be pressured to come up with something when there is nothing there and therefore, She should be able to understand heart's reluctance. Perhaps it was unpleasant for Him also.

Of course, what I was doing here was shutting the Mother down with guilt and speaking for Heart without letting Him speak for Himself about what He felt. Heart was so silent, though, in so many places, that I tended to avoid places where We might find awkward silences.

The Mother responded only by saying it was alright with Her if Heart didn't want to look back in His consciousness because She was afraid to hear what He might say about His experience with Us. This semed to be the Mother's way of saying She didn't think Heart liked the experience He was having with Us right now and that She thought this was why He was so distant. The Mother had shame here that I did not feel I shared with Her because I hoped, Heart did know more than He had told Us and was going to help Us understand some of the blanks in Our own consciousness where it seemed We had fallen asleep, or gone unconscious in some kind of way, in Our early stages.

I could feel that the Mother had guilt holding back a rage She felt, but I did not realize how much of it I had handed to her because I thought I had offered reasonable understandings in an effort to close some of the distance between Us. I did not know that She just had rage She needed to move and that We would not understand what it was about until She had moved it. I thought She had some kind of jealousy or competition She was denying having with Us about position and leadership based on age, experience or depth of consciousness. I did not know that the things being stirred in the Mother were the very things We needed to know and would have known if We had just let it move, but the Mother did not know either because her feelings made Her so uncomfortable She did not want to look at anything here.

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None of Us moved much here other than to let Ourselves know that these ideas, questions and feelings had presence in Our consciousness. We were too guilty as Parents that Our issues, and especially the Mother's, were taking up all the time and space and obscuring Heart's issues and making Him feel like there was no place for Him to express Himself. When We held Ourselves back in an effort to encourage Heart to come forward and express Himself, He did not do so in any of the areas where we wanted and needed Heart to fill Us in with what He knew.

Heart's constant blankness here was a problem for Us because no matter how much We tried to make Heart feel welcome, accepted and comfortable and tried to encourage His openness, it was as though there was nothing there. Heart did not come forth with anything. It became so uncomfortable that We began to have a feeling Heart thought He was being set up to feel comfortable so He would relax and We could pump Him for information He did not want to let Us have. Our feeling was that Heart must know more than He was volunteering if He was who He said He was. Heart's constant claims that He wasn't withholding left Us wondering if He could really be that blank in so many areas, especially when He was also making Us feel in so many undercurrent ways that He knew more than we did.

I was exasperated with Our efforts here at times and just plain frustrated at other times. Although it appeared the Mother and I had different reasons for it and different approaches to finding out, We both wondered what Heart might know that He was not letting Us know, what He might have experienced of Us before He emerged that had made Him act in the ways He was acting and why He felt to Us as He did. We felt there were many things He did not like about Us, and in My words, trust, about Us.

There were many times that We did not experience Heart to be as blank as He appeared to be at other times. We could not figure this out and no matter how We tried to approach it, Heart never said anything one way or another. it was as though He did not trust Us enough to risk expressing Himself here. The Mother thought Heart didn't trust Us for reasons She blamed on Us, but I didn't think so.I thought Heart was withholding because He was planning to make a power play.

The Mother could not accept anything like this from Me about Heart. Her position was that Her precious baby could not be involved in anything like this. She couldn't accept Me here because I made Her fear that because I had this viewpoint, it was I who had