I focus my experiencing and awareness on being
"a pioneer of Evolution
in learning to feel":
I let my Body vibrate and my Heart 'womb'
pain, shame, fear, boredom, powerlessness,
so feelings can >heal >guide>fulfill>evolve,
and ~~~ offer ~~~"goldmines"~~~ to us all!!
"I
want you to feel everything, every little thing!"
K.I.S.S. -
L O G 2
0 0 8
Keep It Simple Sweetheart
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
"AZ
NIDBERU"
- My
new Midrash and song
in 5 languages
about the prophecy of Malachi
3, 16
["YHWH" is named "HA-SHEM"= The
Name]
Then those who see Ha-Shem, will talk
among each other,
and he listens and he
hears
yatakaalamuna allathina
yarau'na-hu ,
va-yusri va-yasma'
Dann die IHN schauen, werden reden miteinander,
und er lauscht und er
hoert
Puis ceux qu'ils voient Ha-Shem, se parlent
l'un a l'autre
il entends,
il ecoute
It seems that I chose 26 actors
for my life's drama and those 26 actors chose me! One
common trait of all roles is "mutual dependency"
between them and me.
With 16 actors - my family - the mutual
dependency is life-long! With my landlords
at Arad & with my 6 starchildren, born
between 1986-88, it may be temporary. My children: Immanuel, Ronnit, Micha; my
children-in-love: Efrat, Uri, Ra'ayah; my 10 grandchildren [born
1987-2005): Elah-Alon-Tomer-Mika; Jonathan-Rotem-Yael-Itamar;
Arnon-Ayelet
My landlords: Ofir & Meital+ Lior (2002) & Amit (2005).
My starchildren: Lior Oren, Zipi Winkler , Dina Strat , Meshi
Taib, Gal Mor, Boris Arons [26=YHWH=13+13=ahavah+ahavah =LOVE!]
Kisslog: healing-creating
TV & Internet: learning
washing dishes
Exercises for my leg
Interactions:
with Efrat, with Immanuel, with Mika-----
with Levi !!!, with Tomer
e-mail to Efrat, to Micha.
ph. from Efrat, from Micha
e-mail from Nimr!
2 e-mails from Boris, 1 back.
Know exactly what you want, communicate clearly what you want,
then get out of the way, live and play, and let happen what
may 8:41 I desire that Immanuel - in these 3
days- will experience warmth and acceptance in his home.
I desire that E. will transform "victimhood"
(Tomer! The demand to cut expenses!) into cooperation
with I.
I desire to radiate
caring & trust, without being affected by my family's problems
(finances, new flat etc.)
I desire - during the 3 1/2 days of my son's
presence - to balance between being with them and being
al-one.
I desire Tomer to become the master of his life, so he'll be
able to love himself & be loved .
As to my initiative this morning to inform Micha,
that I'm free for a grandma-day with the
"Quartet" at his place,
I desire a solution which will satisfy Efrat's
yearning that Mika be included
image
of the day: Storm!
hodayot [thanksgivings] for
today
9:12 My Body,
my Partner,
my God
I give thanks to your defending yourself when hurt -by hardening
our muscles.
and for now letting me soften them by stretching exercises
& self-massage
I give thanks to the tendons in our legs,
these "cables of strong tissue that connect muscles to
bones", especially
to the quadriceps tendon which connects to the top of the
patella -kneecap and allows me to extend my legs (and
stretch it now more than usual?)
I'm grate-full that I succeeded to stay serene - available,
but not involved.
I'm grate-full for the togetherness - though short - with
Mika.
I'm grate-full for Tomer's call at 22:20 and our good interaction.
I'm grate-full that my son returned home safely and does cope
with...
I'm grate-full that in Israel the health-service is organized
so well!
I'm grate-full that I'm granted physiotherapy
for my paining leg,
and that this also gives me the chance to meet women like
Re'ut and Sarit.
I'm grate-full for the "National Insurance", which
pays for my healing.
After having watched "Blue Card"
about the Arab
town Taibe & its "lack of administration" I am grate-fully aware of the
relatively orderly administration in my two areas.
I'm grate-full, that Jewish municipalities like Arad are not
governed by "Clans"! I'm grate-full that I live in a country,
which is relatively democratic!
Finetuning
to my Present I woke up early, and being excited about the storm outside
(later today Tomer wanted me to listen to a SKA-piece of
music called "TEMPEST",
but he wasn't interested in the "coincidence", nor
even in the meaning of the word "tempest"...)
desired to somehow catch its expressions from the veranda,
when I discerned Efrat sitting at the table and smoking, leafing
through a newspaper - at 7 in the morning.
I didn't dare to approach her - and did so only 50 minutes later,
when I detected her in Tomer's room,
trying to find some clothings among the chaos of not yet folded
laundry on Tomer's not used bed-
and asked: "Am I allowed to ask how
you are?" "Alright, what do you want me to say?"
"I mean - do you feel a little better than yesterday?"
"I haven't yet come around to feeling anything at all".
Back to the veranda: Efrat got up and turned around the corner (to look for Nella, whom she had let out
of the door, hoping the dog, which still refuses to drink, would
finally pee).
This was the moment for my camera, but still photos are bound
to fall short of catching a storm...
At least I can enjoy this view again - since we might not stay
here for long... (some hours later I heard my son in great
exasperation - answering a call from his son - while he was
standing outside on this same veranda)
A
clipping from Seth, The Nature of Personal Reality
(last quote on Dec. 1), p 224
"The body exists in the world of space and time. The experiences
you may encounter in your sixties are as necessary as those in
your twenties. Your changing image is upposed to tell you something.
When you pretend alterations do not occur you block both biological
and spiritual messages.
In old age the organism is, in certain terms, preparing for a
new birth. The combined events of spirit, mind and body
[and feelings???] involve not only the passing of one season
but preparation for the beginning of another. The situation includes
all of those supports necessary to carry you through,
not only with acceptance but with the great aggressive drive toward
new experience.
To refute your reality in time, therefore, results in your
being stuck in time and obsessed by it. Accepting your integrity
in time allows the body to function untils its natural end, in
good condition, free from those distorted, invisible concepts
about age. If you believe that youth is the ideal and struggle
for it while simultaneously believing that old age must involve
infirmities, then you cause an unnecesary dilemma, and hasten
aging according to the negative spects of your mind.
"Each
individual must examine his or her individual beliefs, or begin
with feelings which will inevitably lead to them. Either write
down your beliefs as they come to you, or make lists of your intellectual
and emotional assumptions. You may find that they are quite different.
If you have a physical symptom, do not run away from it.
Feel its reality in your body. Let the emotions follow freely.
These will lead you, if you allow them to flow, to ..." [end of clipping]
p. 263 The individual, when it is
time then, begins to see beyond temporal life, to open up dimensions
of awareness that in your terms he or she could not afford while
involved in the intense physical focus of normal adult life. ...
and with no system of beliefs to support such an expansion. ...Drugs
are often used as depressants, clouding the clarity of what seems
to be distorted vision... This is one of the most creative, valuable
aspects of your lives. Instead the old are made to feel useless
in your society. Often of course they share this value judgment,
...There are no teachers to guide them. Old age is a highly creative
part of living. The con-nections between it and childhood are
often made in a derogatory fashion, but the perso-nality is in
just as creative a state. .. Even the chemical and hormonal changes
that occur are conducive to spiritual and psychic growth at that
time. The joyful affirmation possible is denied
to the old because of your beliefs...
Driving Backward to June 23
and July 5
- compared to those days -
how sad is this time,
when Efrat attempts to rent a new flat back at Shoham,
suffocated by the necessity to cut down on daily expenses,
choked by "having agreed to take custody for Tomer"
(which was the main reason for renting this expensive house),
and - in hours of depression - not being "parental"
to anything. and
how much do I wish,
that Immanuel's blessing for Efrat's birthday will manifest!
"Chiefee, beloved Imma,
looking forward to the new house
with joy, expectation and faith.
May it be,
that you'll always know
how to balance
your apprehensions,
by being aware of the great
and shared happiness,
which we experience in between.
There is in our family
a continuous, lasting beauty,
that will never ever end.
Loving,
Mika and Immanuel"
11:58
I had given up on receiving a response from Nimr
Ismair
to my response to him on Nov.
27. "I'm no longer engaged in
politics,
but very much in education"
Among his books (teachings for both pupils and teachers)
he mentioned a purpose "metzav", which I didn't understand.
I found it on
a Government-Educational site:
13:07 I heard a familiar voice, which didn't make
sense!
And then: "Shalom, Rachel",
it was, indeed,
Levi,
who just passed by, after a dance-education conference near by.
We sat on the veranda (again the veranda of this morning's storm!),
and I tried with all my might to get Levi to listen to Immanuel's
plights.
Since Immanuel walked away for a moment
- answering one of Tomer's many SMS messages and calls this morning
-
I had a chance to open Levi's heart-attention to his "brother"
and this worked wonder-full-y: Immanuel did open his heart.
As to Levi's friendship with the new manager of Ben-Shemen village,
he'll see her today, having promised to organize dances with some
classes,
Immanuel asked him to ask "for more tolerance"
and to make clear, what he meant, I told the incident on Dec. 1
Einav, the house-mother: "If ... one more
time.... then ....." I suggested another help: "You, Levi, who were at a boarding-school
yourself
and are in favor of it in cases like yours and Tomer's,.
you could mellow Tomer's opposition of being in a boarding-school." Immanuel jumped on this quest: "I've told Tomer about your- our - childhood
ever so often,
and how nobody I know could have turned a curse into a blessing like
you did!
and I was surprised, that he recently said, out of the blue:
'How nice, that Levi came to my birthday!' (on Nov. 8).
This means, that you are important to him!" Levi promised to talk with him, perhaps even
today. ["of course", Levi
lost patience and memory of trying more than once,
and it was only 6 days later, that I could make
them talk to each other. "How naive you are",
said Efrat, when I told her of their agreement to meet.]
The two "brothers", Immanuel and Levi.
I'll tell the beginning of the story again:
When little Immanuel was in first grade, I, the mother, was appointed
to accompany the annual school-trip of the class. I had heard
about troublesome Levi, and when I experienced him, my heart was
attracted. Since my husband was abroad, I invited him.... Since
my 3 kids took turns in sleeping beside me, Levi took his turn
too & I saw his plight....
Will I curse or bless myself for taking another
initiative concerning a "Grandma-Day"???????
Finetuning
to my Present
Micha responded fast, by phone, and now
I am ... ..
I don't know, how to describe the feeling ,
which got worse, when I went out to Immanuel at his computer
and asked "for one minute", wanting to discharge just
a few sentences.
He wasn't free,
and he himself has no energy left to deal with the Grandma-Day
issue.
Micha ruled out the option of a grandma-day at his home on this
weekend.
As to the other option - preferred by Efrat :
a Quintet-day in her house next weekend
he informed me, that try as he might,
his sister might not agree to this or any grandma day at all. The reason:"the
children don't want a grandma day any longer!" And why? Because last time or some last
times I, grandma, "gave them hell",
because they were unable to organize things themselves. "But let's try again and put that
attitude or decision to the test.
It can't be, that your daughter's children cannot see their
grandmother!"
Micha was alright, but when I allowed
myself a sentence of discharge to Immanuel: "There I go! For years I was there
for Ronnit's children, for Yael and Itamar,
not only on the weekly grandma-days.."
"I've told you so often: do not sacrifice yourself!"
"But I didn't sacrifice myself, I only would think, that
there is a mutual dependency,
and that, if I make an error, like demanding from the kids responsibility,
I shouldn't be punished like this."
I felt a veritable victim in that moment.
"If they don't want to see you, it's
their problem. Let it go!"closed
my son.
Of course, it's my problem too, and not one problem, for that
matter.
Why should Arnon and Ayelet forgo the togetherness on a grandma-day,
which they cherish so much,
even though they can meet with their cousins also (rarely...)
without me?
And what about Itamar? And Yael herself?
Are they not affected by this total exclusion of their grandma
from their family?
I don't need to talk about my own pain ....
My question is: am I guilty? Is there something I should do?
- "It's your daughter, more than
my sister! take responsibility!" were Micha's last words.
I ask you,
why do I attract being ostracized by my daughter & her family?
"Asking such a question should no longer be your business!
You recently explained twice the nature of mutual dependency:
Even if a daughter or a grandchild avoid physical or virtual
contact ,
you are still in their "veins", as you say in Hebrew.
They can avoid being triggered by you
(and if they need being triggered, they'll attract it from others),
but they cannot uproot you from their biography and their being.
If you are free of the kind of ego,
which is dependent on being needed,
or worse - of being honored ,
you can step back, bless them, trust them and wait.
Hasn't this been my experience with "my children"
for eons and eons?
Do you have the impression, that I'm stuck in the evolutional
stage
as depicted in the Hebrew Bible - pained and abused, neglected
and discarded by the people of Israel or any persons, individuals
later on?"
"You see?
Trust the path of your children and grandchildren,
and be FREE!"
Finetuning
to my Present
15:52 Something else -
(what kind of day is this?) I prepared some food for myself (no chance
to eat together with my son...)
washed the dishes of the day, and back in my bed started with
"stretching",
when some software- teacher talked loudly through Immanuel's
computer.
I went outside, humbly, "Maybe
you have earphones". "Yes".
"This is one of the things I cannot bear (noise)."
"Know, that it was an immense trigger for Efrat,
when 2 nights ago when she was phoning for an hour, you told
her
- first to put down the volume of the TV
and then to perhaps talk in her room."
The resonance in the living-room + kitchen is so immense,
that recently she asked me not to wash the dishes after Mika
goes to sleep.
Now she discharged towards Immanuel: "Even in my own house I can't
talk to someone (her sister-in-law,
also called Ronnit)!
Finally I don't hide in my bedroom and doze off, but talk to
someone and then..."
Immanuel added: "You can't
do anything with this, just leave it."
Meaning one exterior "reason" for a trigger more are
less doesn't change the situation,
i.e. what he interprets as another attack of depression - as
after Mika's birth - "when
all reality, all logic fell away, as if something in the brain
got disconnected"...
And I'll, indeed, not take this to heart,
though I cannot help but wishing for a moment, I were home at
Arad,
despite the difficulty with traveling.
But I am here now, with all my heart, my wholeness, my serenity,
my trust,
experiencing and feeling freely each moment, each interaction,
each "mistake".
Boris wrote to his
aunt in the USA and edited the letter for the Starchildren:
"I won't be hurt if you don't read it since it is in English". me and three friends of mine
are waiting, for the finel approval of some commission
so we can start and build 2 houses,Geodesic Dome
we are not shoure [sure] of what materials
we have a good harmony between us
thay are three vary feminin girls/ woman
and it is easy to loss [loose] focus with them
but I think it will be all right
yesterday with one of them (noga)
after a discutyion, about whay [why] is she afraid to learn
with a teacher...
with a mutual anderstanding about
the feeling we are beeing farmed and that school is a factory
not judment or conclusion, just feeling
and the thinking about our culture is so hard some times for
indiviguals
and the dream to teach difrent
I will maybe be a kindergarten teacher, or maybe a guide in
the garden keepers
and make a difrent environment for us and ho ever
I played: the music of me gating [getting] free from this kind
of things holding me beeing shrunken
(that what my friend from england sad this music is about -
I did not know what this music was about it just came out of
me and the guitar)
and then my first music that I have composed and remember how
to play
noga sad that she have imagined a song she wrote a few days
a go
and sahar (sahar and zipi, will live with us) will sing him
It feels like beeing belong, after
a long time like i am a sage-salvia(plant - like in the picture)and thay are to :) this plant some times will not grow,
no metter how much good things you will give him.
but if you plant another one with him, he will grow huge. :)
I feel belong with you stars [star-children?] also
but this time (with the halp of god / if it meant to be) ,
I will live with it,
in the same house,
in a new place
I dont have the muse to explain farther
now at home came back today
to work untill monday, and then I maybe start warking as a kindergarten
hope every thing will fit
to much time on the computer to right it dawn
so I am of
peace
boris
Two
letters from Boris. This is the answer to one
Pieces of a family idyll after all: Efrat - despite the cut-down budget - bought
colors to paint on glass,
and this is what Mika and I did together for some time.
Then - when climbing down from the chair to pick up pencils - she
hit herself,
and whenever she has some physical pain, grandma is useless, she runs
to Imma.
Imma opened TV for her, and for a long while there was no playing
with grandma.
In the meanwhile Tomer arrived, driven by his father, "for an
'After'" of 1 1/2 hours.
He first came to me, to show me a song, then he , father and stepmother,
sat together on the veranda,
then - hard to believe - Efrat came into my room:
"Give some time to Tomer now!" And when he had to leave (some kind of elections
at 7 PM at Ben-Shemen), she wanted to drive him.
This was the time, when I was "retrieved" by my granddaughter
and we played all kinds of role-plays,
first with the "plastelina", also newly bought, - making
all kinds of vegetables to be gathered on a little plate,
and then with a blanket on the sofa, Mika being a scaring bear in
a cave.
But when I once turned the roles around and played the bear myself
- God forbid! Mika simply panicked...
Immanuel had been cooking in the meanwhile, and when Efrat came back,
we had a truly harmonious dinner!
My granddaughter Mika~~~~~~~~~~my grandson
Tomer~~~~~~~~~~~ my son Immanuel
Tomer enters my room for a short introduction to a new SKA - piece without
lyrics,
and two other pieces with lyrics, one in German, one in American English
.
I took his picture secretly.
Mika and I shape fruits - Immanuel reads from a new book, given as a
gift to Efrat: "Ronni goes to the doctor".
As an obvious result of this she gets sick at night and wakes her parents
every hour.
Finetuning
to my Present at the end of this day
Objectively it wasn't difficult at all - but it was difficult
for my feelings
Sally Smith, Wadhams, New York in the
Adirondacks (Greenspiritsart) I make environmental sculptures. I
wanted to celebrate the upcoming triple conjunction and hopefully
take a photo of the sculpture with the conjunction. It was cloudy
all afternoon. The sun set.. still cloudy... then, right around
5:30 local time, the clouds parted and the glorious event was
framed in the sculpture...
I could not have asked for more ! I had taken a shot from 2
nights before when we had just Venus and Jupiter within the
sculpture... I've included that image too .
Ramiz Qureshi, Karachi,Pakistan:
"It was like a great face in
the sky. People in Pakistan had never seen anything like this
before."
Ehsan Sanaei Ardakani, ---- Mazre'ye no,
Ardakan, Yazd, Iran, "It
was one of the most spectacular conjunctions I've ever seen."
Dave Marshall, (as a passenger) 35,000' above east central Iraq.
"The Sun was setting directly in front of a KC-135
stratotanker that was refueling our aircraft over Iraq".
Mike Salway, Central
Coast, NSW Australia -"Smiley
Face Conjunction" of Venus, Jupiter and the Moon.
Danny Ratcliffe, Scarborogh Beach, Queensland,Australia.
Jamie Russell, St Catherines Lighthouse,
Niton, Isle of Wight, England
Doug Zubenel, St. Philippine Duchesne
Memorial Park, Linn Co., Kansas,
United States
"Tenacious
stratocumulus clouds
added to the scene
this evening
from the St. Philippine Duchesne Memorial Park.
One of several crosses provided foreground
for the unparalleled beauty
of the triple conjunction.
Two of Jupiter's moons
can be seen between
the diffraction spikes,
and the faint zodiacal light and Milky Way
join the show. "
Kisslog: healing-creating
TV & Internet: learning
washing dishes
Exercises for my leg
Interactions:
with Efrat, with Immanuel, with Mika-----
with Levi !!!, with Tomer
e-mail to Efrat, to Micha.
ph. from Efrat, from Micha
e-mail from Nimr!
2 e-mails from Boris, 1 back.
and
how much do I wish,
