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Overview of and Links to the Pages of My Community: Desert Vision - Succah
Parting
from its realization in the exterior World
D E S E R T V I S I O N
and further down 2012
the first pages of Red Book from among
the
The
8 RIGHT USE OF WILL Books
In Abraham's Bus-Steps
My mobile life and my dreams
An Overview
1984-1999
including a summary of my self-victimizing
"problems" with the authorities.
2002_06_03 ; last update: 2005_11_16; latest
update (scroll to the end): 2007_11_21; still later: 2008_07_08
Latest update: November 16, 2013
2010_12_23: See two pages with compositions of my bus-life in Closeup to my Past 2 and 3
The destination of my old army bus,
painted by Mona in Hebrew and Arabic
under palmfronds and solar panels :
Thousands of Paths.
| My Amen/Om
Psalm Thousand of paths are in the world One is the destination of all Walking to and fro with you in wholeness every path I'll choose will be life. |
[The Hebrew
Amen is like the Sanskrit Om the sound of sounds, only the Om closes the lips, while the Amen opens them again. 'Be walking to and fro in wholeness' is the Biblical command, not 'be good'. Gn17,1] |
Timeline
[see also pp33 ; 2002_09_14]
July 1983:
My sister in Germany brought Mutti, our mother to me straight from the hospital,
where she had almost died, not from her Altzheimer sickness
but from chronic infection of the urinary tract.
During the two days of my sister's stay I told her about my vague idea
of literally, physically following in Abraham's footsteps, maybe by living
in caves.
She said: "Why not live in a caravan! But would
you take Mutti with you?"
April 1984
By then my dream - or fantasy - had evolved so much,
that I imagine to place "my caravan" under an ancient (oak?) tree
near Netivot
(listen to my song "Alfê-Netivot")
Though "the Desert" was not yet a term in my emotional lexicon,
I impose a "desert-year" on myself,
during which I would meet with people and groups a little as possible.
July 1984
I resign from my work as a teacher of teachers,
in order to fully dedicate myself to preparing another "lekh-lekhâ"
.
My first encounter with the authorities teaches me,
that I would not be permitted to park my caravan anywhere.
I decide to become mobile and made my license as a truck driver.
December 1984
I buy an old army-bus and start converting it into a mobile home, with the
help of two "men with golden hands",
Itzik, the husband of a pupil, and Immanuel, the pilot and carpenter, of whose
work I have not one single photo.
[later I found one, see in Closeup
of my Past]
My son's first carpentry is a special bed for my sick mother, above drawers
for her diapers, next to the shower.
But on February 20, my mother chooses to die, content that by having taken
care of her I had healed so much.
July 1985
I move out of my rented flat and away from two children still living there
- into an incomplete mobile home.
My closest friend, Yanina, and her husband allow me to park next to their
greenhouses and use electricity.
November 1985
The winter rains put a stop to my son's carpentry under the unfolded roof
attached to the bus.
I fly to Kassel in Germany to help Mona,
who had just emigrated there, getting acclimatized.
April 1986
I start to move. My first night away from Yanina's security is at Kibbutz
Ga'ash [pp33;
02_09_15].
The "destinations" often had to do with someone who could repair
or install something in my bus.
Months of superhuman difficulties. The angel at the edge of abyss gets me
an invitation to Berlin.
Following my occasional seminaries in Kassel, I know, I still need to integrate
my
two identities.
October 1986
I leave my bus at my son's airforce base, take my dog with me again
and start to work in Berlin.
I now make a living as a guest lecturer, both for teachers of religion and
for students of theology.
I also organize 4 different weekly workshops at my flat, and fulfill my desire
to learn Rebirthing.
During a Ski&Rebirthing workshop at Aschau in Bavaria I
encounter the first book of RUOW.
March 1987
I fetch my home from the airforce base, - with phantastic improvements,
which my son had created.
While parking in a field, the only pupil in Berlin, whom I could not stand
among a hundred, comes.
Against any logic or desire I fall in love. A choice made before this life,
starts to unfold its LESSON.
June 1987
A month of satisfaction and income in Timrat: I teach
Wardit & her husband and others Co-Counseling.
Then 5 weeks with Channah on the beach of Ha-bonim make me encourage her to
join my mobile life.
November 1987
To be completely alone before entering this relationship I drive to
the desert and live there for 40 days.
In "Wadi Karkeshet", 2 km north-west of Merkaz Sappir. [see
how often that wadi appears on healing-k.i.s.s.!]
It's there that I fall in love with the Desert - for ever.....
February 1988
After 2 months in Berlin, helping Channah to burn her bridges, we arrive in
Israel with her minibus.
By then I already knew, I had made a fatal mistake. But it was too late to
go back, and no way out.
June 1988
My daughter who was present at a psychotic attack of Channah:
"Mother, if this is a lesson, I hope you learn it soon." -
Hysterectomy. - Depression.
My daughter brings an angel to me, the director of "Manpower": "Come
on, work as a secretary!"
I learn computer. I get a job for 6 weeks. My spirits rise. My creativity
sparkles.
The first vision:
November 1988
To change the planet
with sun and sand, or solar energy. I gather info, meet experts, learn like
crazy.
After 3 weeks I bring my ideas to Wardit. She
causes the Succah Vision to land on me from above.
January 1989
I get a "permanent" job as
the secretary of a (kind) secretary in the legal department of "Koor".
12 hours a day I am free from Channah, free to work for my vision, using computer
and phone.
Meetings with experts, potential partners, excursions, intense R&D of
every aspect of the vision.
Channah's growing resistance gives me hope, that she will stay behind. But
she comes with me.
Rosh-Hashanah, September 27, 1989
We park our homes at the edge of the Ramon Crater.
Fight for permission to stay for 7 weeks.
The rollercoaster between insurmountable problems and miraculous help runs
faster and faster.
November 17, 1989
We install our homes in the "appointed" wadi-
at a distance of 100m according to my request.
January 1990
When we start building the succahs, I move my bus out
of the wadi and hide it behind a hill.
The minibus with Channah stays next to the main succah, to give security to
the guests.
A trigger occurs - strong enough to make me tear the personal tie. But Channah
stays on.
After a year I threaten her with violence, should she enter the Succah one
more time.
She heeds my threat, but she stays in her minibus around the hill, next to
me, for years.
Even after she leaves to live in Mitzpe-Ramon, I have to endure the sight
of her minibus.
Pesach 1996
I move my bus about 6 times in these years, for different
reasons and to practise its mobility.
The time has come to move OUT. Permission to park next to the Alpacca-farm,
3 km away.
June 1996
After 7 weeks of repairing the bus and trying - in
vain - to renew its license, I risk driving.
It's after midnight. Down the slopes of the Crater. I haven't driven on a
road for almost 7 years.
After 6 hours I park the bus close to an army base, Uzziah-mountain, 30 km
north of Eilat.
I get a license for 3 weeks, as long as David absolves his annual reserve
service on this base.
Another reservist, an ecologist, asks permission from his Kibbutz to let my
bus park there.
July 1996
In the irrealistic hope, that later I would be permitted
to take my bus to Egypt, I leave it at Lotan.
On July 3, I hitchhike to Taba, cross the border, and
start my descent into Hell, without any home.
A tourist visa was given for 2 weeks. But often I hitchhike north to the children,
not to the kibbutz.
November 1996
No permission to cross to Egypt any longer. I move
my bus out of Lotan, the solar batteries are gone.
Praying to God not to be caught, I drive to Eilat and through it and park
on a parking lot near Taba.
Maybe friends, who would go to Sinai, would pass by and mediate between me
and my team there.
October 1997, Festival of Succot
Following the initiative of the
RedSeaPartnerSHIP, I move my bus, covered with palmfronds, at dawn.
I reach a beach next to the border of Jordan, but - evicted after Succot -
I try my luck on an empty field.
The field of Kibbutz
Elot is next to the Israel-Jordan checkpost. Though I had a friend there,
I get evicted.
December 1997
Amiram,
an inspector of Eilat helps me to install myself at the "hippie beach",
which is still not seized for a hotel.
It's the most beautiful spot among all the nice spots, I've inhabited with
the bus. We erect the 4 Nations-tent.
May 1998
We were 6 partners then. Only Tamir,
age 27 then, started to live next to the bus in one of our pyramids.
In time he won me over to his understanding, that we had to exchange the Red
Sea for the Dead Sea.
We packed the bus together, waited for the night to drive, but after 30 km
the police got me nonetheless.
That was the end of my home's mobility, the end of living in it altogether.
We turned it into a public space.
February 1999
I'm evicted from the place above the Dead Sea, Metzuqe
Dragot, where Tamir and I lived in tents.
Albert and Mali, two of our partners, had wanted to live in a minibus, for
which I gave them a loan.
They joined us in that hosting village, but wanted to sell the minibus. No
one bought it, so it stayed.
Tamir and I built a great hosting space with bus, minibus and tents, but now
we have to tear it down.
October 31, 1999
I'm evicted from the Ein-Gedi
Fieldschool and bequeathe bus, minibus, 3 of the 4 tents to Tamir.
With my last money from my grandfather's house in Erfurt, which reached me
in August 1997,
I had renewed and greatly upgraded the solar system and bought an oriental
electronic organ.
My old organ I bequeathe to a Catholic Church in Jericho. I take my tent and
what belongs to it.
From now on I walk in Abraham's footsteps
Tamir moves his home to the Southern end of
the Dead Sea, where he got hired as a worker.
In 2001 he left Desert and Dead Sea and moved his home to a cliff above the
Mediterranean.
When the authorities put a veto to this, he moved the bus to a private farm
10 min. from the sea..
He is still there - amidst a dead orchard, revived a little by his sewage
- and pays 200$ rent.
[Addition on July
8, 2008:
Sometime in summer 2003, I think, Tamir
moved his home again to a cliff above the Mediterranean.
He got permission to stay there provided he would report to the authorities
every week.
Yet - one day, when he traveled south to Dimona, when Shim'on
Peleg, his father, underwent an operation,
he got a call from a friend: "They've towed
your bus away!"
It took 5 days, until Tamir found out, where the bus
was "quarantined":
on a
garbage plant in Kiryat Bialik in the Haifa Bay area.
Tamir went there once, just to take out his underwear and the like.
From then on nothing, not even my worst manipulations, could make him go there
ever again.
In November 2004, when I realized, I could no longer live
in my storm-whipped tent on Rakhaf,
Saar Carmieli, the owner of Rakhaf, suggested that I bring my bus back and
live in it on Rakhaf.
So I phoned around , asking for permission to at least see the bus at the
garbage plant.
When I got it and was shown the place from afar (nobody dared to come with
me),
I approached my old home with great fear.
But what I saw was more horrid than I had imagined.
Robbed off everything movable except for the books,
the door, the windows and much more - destroyed .
the floor littered with torn blankets, garments etc.
My heart broke over all the furniture,
which
Immanuel, my son had worked on with such superhuman effort.
I had to make my peace with the fact, that the bus
was forlorn, dead.
I took Tamir's diary, for which he would be grateful
, and a few books for myself,
and then smashed the glass of my
brother's painting,
in order to be able to free it from the frame of the window in the ceiling,
into which it was squeezed.
That was the end of the saga of my bus - bought in
1984, built in 1985-86, bequeathed in 1999, dead in 2004
[Later today - on July 8, 2008 I came - by chance... - across a
page, where I told this story and much more!]
I visited friends in Ga'ash with
my bus,
and - after my bitch gave birth to 10 - was allowed to stay for a week.
Only artists and children came to visit me, among them a sculptress.
It was on the 5th day of that week, when she told me.
"I asked my therapist about you and
your bus:
"Not only does she live in a bus, she even drives
the bus herself.
And if this isn't enough, - she has a solar-powered electronic organ in her
bus.
Why does this make me so angry, that I can't bring myself to visit her?"
"Because you too have dreams, but you don't fulfill them as she does."
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Most of
my own photos got burnt or otherwise lost. Maybe those that were spared, were meant for this website sculpture. Desert and Solar Engergy; Computer upon the Watertank; Driver's seat convertible to desk-seat. |
| ON November 19, 1989 I dared to drive my blue-white home into this little wadi. And against all the overwhelming odds {which included the implications of that minibus ~~~} - it's where the first step of my Desert Vision manifested. On the horizon the best-equipped observatory in the MiddleEast is seen between the two hills I came to call: 'giv'at ma'of ha-mal'akhim' = "Hill of the Angels' Flight" and ' har lekh-lekhâ' = 'Mountain of Go-to-Yourself' [Bible, Genesis 12,1] |
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From "God's Page: Turning Backward to Face Creation"
"Another, perhaps more useful metaphor is
that we have been on a long bus trip through Creation.
Like the bus which you drive
in the way you do
through your own life,
I am the driver of a larger bus
and you are aboard.
"Throughout all of time
I have been sending messages to you,
both from inside of you by way of experiences
and from the 'outside' by way of my messengers,
inviting you to come up from the back of the bus
and visit with me here by the wheel.
"Now you can do that more easily than ever.
Let's use this opportunity to visit
together
and share our perspectives on the journey.
As we get comfortable with each other
I'll show you how I drive.
Perhaps we will even find a new way of driving together.
.....
"If you would like to learn a better way
of driving,
I'll share a secret and show you
how I am positioned here at the front of the bus.
I am facing backward.
"Yes, I drive backward.
I am certain that our destination is wholeness,
and I know all roads lead there.
I cannot second guess
which turn will be for the best.
"In
not facing toward the future,
I follow the deepest guidance available,
the miracle of Creation itself ...
....
"What is ahead is unmanifest,
it is the Void.
Ahead of me there is nothing.
Behind me is everything,
all of Creation.
"If I was facing forward
I would not be able to see anything,
I'd be staring into the Void.
Facing backward, however,
I experience all of Creation
streaming out behind like the wake of the swan,
or the flow of a river where I am the source.
| Jubilate, O barren,
you who did not give birth exult, break-forth in jubilation you who did not labor, for more are the children of the desolate than the children of the married. Make wide the place of your tent, and the curtains of your habitations may stretch spare not, lengthen your cords, and strengthen your stakes. [Isaiah 54, 1-3; my translation] |
ronni |
Juble, Entwurzelte, die nicht geboren hat, brich in Jubel aus, jauchze, die nicht gekreisst hat, denn mehr sind der Soehne der Verstarrten als der Soehne der Verehlichten. Weite den Raum deines Zelts! deiner Wohnungen Behaenge spanne man auseinander! spare nimmer, verlaengre deine stricke, deine Pfloecke verfestige! [Jesaja 54,1-3; Buber-Rosenzweig] |
2005_11_16
I discovered a long letter to the legal department
of the "Israel
Nature and Natural Parks Authority "
written in July 2001, after the foreclosure of my bank account, because I
hadn't paid the last fines.
This summary of my "problems" with the authorities during my mobile
life
demonstrates my victimhood, I am sorry to say,
but I am still not healed enough, to cast away this story....
[I started to re-edit it on February 18, 2008, but haven't completed]
For Roni Malka, Hananya Weizmann and
Moshe Shamir,
From the very beginning of my Desert
Vision in Nov. 1988, I keep reminding myself,
You'll ask, why did I leave the "safe"
Succayah? The very word "plili" shocked
me terribly. |
2007_11_21
I re-discovered a quote from a book by Albert Schweitzer,
which I read in 1973.
He talks about the way people related to him,
when he - a successful theologian and musician - felt the calling,
to study medicine and go to Africa to help the sick (Lambarene).
Schweitzer had been my idol for all the years
of my youth,
ever since I had seen a slide-show about him, when I was 12.
In this passage he advices people to choose extraordinary doing only,
if they can value any doing, be it ever so simple and ordinary.
"There are no heroes of doing, there are only heroes of renouncing!"
This advice had been guiding me still, when I started driving in Abraham's
Bus-Steps.
September 13-14, 2012
Since I've retrieved the Intro and the first 30 pages of the Red Book, and
find space on this page,
I continue
to copy
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The seventh, 7th RUOW book [channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1995] 7 IMPRINTING A Healing of the Chakras Dedicated to The Healing of the Gap and the Survival of Love |
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p.7 One who could and must be free to command it anyway I wanted to. I was the One who was there first, and I was the One who knew how to keep My reality present with Me. Even though these additional thoughts did not disagree with Me at first, they were not quite the same as My main stream of thought and did not let Me remain as calm as I had been. They were complicating something I wanted to keep simple. It did not occur to Me that I had not let Myself notice any excitement before then, or that this might be an excitement part of Me. This was Heart, as it turned out, but I did not know it. I did not want to allow it freedom of expression, or to let it dominate in any way. I thought I was the only One who knew how to do what I had been doing. I was only aware of trying to focus on this reality of Mine. It was familiar and comfortable to Me and had had nothing in it that opposed Me or had a different idea of how it should look or be. As long as these aspecting thoughts, or voices, agreed with Me, I was willing to let them be there. If they had a differing opinion or did not accept My focus wholeheartedly, I felt impatient and limited or held back in some way that I did not like. I perceived Myself to be taken out of My natural flow by differing opinions that did not know how to do what I was doing and did not understand or respect Me enough to let Me do it. I wanted to be the dominant thought pattern. I had a feeling of being interrogated, opposed, overwhelmed, intimidated and even threatened by their presence. I was building a rage there but noticed only My restless impatience. I was sure I had to maintain My focus the way I had been to maintain what I had happening within it. I had evidence for this from times when I had experienced lapses in My focus during which I did not know what was there, if anything. I experienced only darkness in those lapses and did not like the feeling there. I had no consciousness there that I was aware of. If anything was going on there, I I did not like it as much as what I had happening in the light where I was holding my focus. There, I had dreams, and some of them did include relationship as something that moved along with Me and never differed with Me about anything. As long as these voices, or companions of Mine, understood that I had to have my focus, listened to Me and knew when to be quiet, we had a great relationship with many good times in excited states of awareness in the light. My experience there felt good, and that was all that mattered to Me. I didn't want anything else for a long time. |
p.8 ENCOUNTERING THE WILL ESSENCE When I did awaken to having more feelings of physicality than I had been aware of before, it was to feelings of sexuality. I felt drawn by what would now be called My loins to find something that would receive Me there. I had body sensations that felt like I was becoming aware of the lower part of My Body. I had come into contact with an essence that was exciting Me. It felt like the lower part of Myself stirring Me, and I had not known it because I had been so busy dreaming in the upper half. To Me, it was as though I was suddenly adolescent and wanted to move with it. I did not want to let go of these sensations, I wanted to go into them. I also noticed another feeling sensation there of something cozying up to Me as though it wanted to go into these feelings with Me something that felt like a She that wanted to have sex with Me. I did not have those words then because I did not know where it was going to go, but I wanted to say it that way so that We men could notice how imprinted We have been in Our interpretations of women's behavior, and realize how often We have not felt into it any deeper than Our original imprinted assumptions. I wanted to move sexually. I wanted to move spontaneously. I had feelings of not being able to hold back. I was ready; even urgent. I needed to have sex. Why wasn't She receiving Me the way I wanted Her to? Where was Her passion? I was only hearing low sighs and moans and a rocking feeling. It wasn't going anyplace I wanted it to go. Didn't She feel Me there? Didn't She understand how it felt to be Me? I moved toward Her, and a great murmuring and sighing arose, as well as sounds of pain, displeasure and even opposition. She hesitated in Her response to Me. I took it as a "no". I did not move past Her there, but I did not like it that She did not move toward Me the way I wanted Her to. I had to move sexually and not wait anymore. I did not want to be held back. When she did not receive Me with the speed I wanted Her to, I did not move toward Her anymore. I pulled back instead. When She moved toward Me, I did not respond anymore. Even Her touch made Me feel held back, controlled and slowed down. I had lost interest in Her already. She was just one possible pleasant sensation among many I had had already.When She sensesd this, it felt as if She grew hooked claws and used them to grab onto Me and not let Me go. It even felt like Whe wanted to punish Me for wanting to go |
p.9 She tried to give Me millions of nuances as to why I shouldn't leave Her that way. It all felt like a sticky web of guilt to Me. I was not interested in any of it. I wanted to go right into My feelings and sensations of sexuality without thinking about it; about where it might go, what might happen, what it might mean, or if there was anything She wanted Me to do to get to know Her or to create a secure relationship within which to do this. What was there to know? I knew Her enough to know that I wanted to move with Her sexually, or thought I did until She started with this.What else was there to know except whether I liked it or not? If She did not like it, I was going to move on until I found someone who did. [Rafael, Jerusalem, November 4, 1960: "Haendchen halten gibt's bei mir nicht!"] I did not have the thought that there might be repercussions from this. I was wild with excitement. I was already holding back as much as possible. I gave Her input that let Her know I did not like the hesitation She was giving Me. Either She wanted to go into this, or She did not. It was that simple. She was causing Me to lose my focus and My sensations, and I did not like it. I wanted to knnow Her sexually first, and She wanted commitment first. I became confused. She was making this so complicated, when I wanted it to be simple. Why had She given Me the feeling that She wanted Me in this way and then changed Her mind? I felt excited, driven up and rejected. I did not take Her sexually there, but my rage wanted to. I was hurt, and then glad I hadn't gotten any more involved than I had. I thought I needed to, and could, pull out of this like pulling out of a bad dream. She was not giving Me what I wanted . She was not letting Me go. She grabbed onto Me as if She was trying to invade Me or glue Herself onto Me and come with Me instead. I had a feeling of panic and terror that She was trying to trap Me, hold Me back, hold Me there, hold Me down, control, overrun and overwhelm Me. It felt like She needed something from Me in order to live and was trying to take it, whether I had it to give or not. Terror came up in Me that there would be nothing left of Me. I thought I had been lured, tricked and trapped by something that wanted to drag Me down, play with Me in a cruel way, torture Me and take My life. This was not any kind of relationship that I wanted to have. I felt that My survival was in jeopardy, and that I was in danger of losing everything I had going. Feelings of suffocation and drowning came up in Me. I pushed Her away. Fighting for My life, I rushed up and away from Her. I had a feeling there was essence with Me that didn't want to be left behind |
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The seventh, 7th RUOW book [channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1995] 7 IMPRINTING A Healing of the Chakras Dedicated to The Healing of the Gap and the Survival of Love |
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p. 10 there either, but I didn't take note. I was only glad to be alive at all at the time and was rushing to get away as fast and as far from this thing as I possibly could. I was convinced that I had a black widow spider to deal with, or worse. I was monstrous and of hute proportion. I could not have been more wrong, which I did not know until I looked back, and I did not look back until very recently. I made assumptions there, but they were fact in My mind, and they became reality; a reality I did not question until I had to. What happened there needs to be gone back over many times to find all that was put into place in that momentary encounter of drifting essence. |
Before the new heading on this page I insert "the Lost chapter of Imprinting",
as advised by Ceanne de Rohan, the Channeler of Right Use of Will,
concerning her edition of the the Red Book: Imprinting in the Chakras:
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OLD IMPRESSIONS OF SPIRIT The
Lost chapter of Imprinting When it began, "I had
many good points, didn't I?" I'd say. Instead, everything
I did or didn't do, I wanted to
be treated like a shah in his haerem;
(p.5) I just wanted
to do what I wanted to do. Suddenly
I was outraged All of their
shenanigans (sic) taught Me something. All their
attempts to integrate with Me were spy missions. July
21, 2012: What is "A guilt replacement of Me" ????? "A
guilt presence in My place"??????????????
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p.10 ANCIENT IMPRINTS SEND FRAGMENTS OUT Drifting in, what had been so recently a void, involved only in My reverie and with a few voices behind My ear who were agreeing with Me, observing the same things I was and enjoying them in the same way I was, I was suddenly startled and shocked into splits I did not know I was making; splits so ancient that those personifying them do not know there was anyone else there either. They think they are the oldest thngs in Creation also, but they do not remember it the same way I do. They have other parts they have played, other roles they have taken and other points of view that became imprinted in them. One thng they will find, though, is that they all have the same original imprinting that I have. It all stems from this moment, no matter what tangent they have taken from there. In the ancient, misty sea of essence, all was imprinted by this moment. I went past so many things there, I have gone back over this and over this. I have found a sexual rage that left Me so early there I did not even know it was with Me. It was quick and heartless. It did not look to see how it was affecting anything around it. It did not care. It wanted what it wanted, when it wanted it. It has gone after women as though they have no right to stop or slow its sexual advances, and even as though they have no rights at all. These rage fragments have made worship of body and sex their only religion. They have nothing in their mind but ancient imprinting. The imprinting there has pursued the original turn-on by attempting to recreate the original circumstances. It does not want to allow any interference to that end and goes to great lengths to |
p.11 ensure that. It hates to move rage. It does not think that it needs to. It does not believe that it has any rage unless it is provoked. As long as it gets its own way, it never moves any emotion. It has a contained excitement it feels at getting its own way and a cold hatred toward those impeding it when it does not. It has conducted rapes of all sorts and concocted elaborate rituals involving the use of women. These fragments make sure they get their own way sexually, no matter what the energy field or the signs and sounds of resistance might be. They have even drawn excitement from the rejection, the "no," and the signs and sounds of hesitation , fear and resistance, because going past that was their original agenda when they left Me. They have cruel ways, too, because there is no Heart presence there. I have pondered this heartlessness for a long time and have now understood that they left Me so early that Heart presence was not formed and Spirit presence was not recognized. I did not know why they had the feelings they had because I had not noticed My own there. I noticed only feelings of moving to save Myself as a victim at the hands of the Will. These fragments have turned on Me. They have hated Me for denying My rage there, which is them.They have hated Me and called Me weak because I did not move to stop and control the Will and ran instead. They have made sure the Will polarity, and women especially cannot move in any way that threatens them. Any resistance, real or perceived, is handled harshly. They have wanted to make sure the other side is down so far it cannot come up, but never admits this openly. Instead, this rage has maintained that it is not even frightened or threatened at all. It does not like any mention of fear and does not think it is manly to even talk of such things as real emotion . Emotion is for women and the weak who have no gumption or spine. They hate those kind and never let them near unless they want to use them for something. They have going past resistance of others to present in so much of their imprinting that they cannot form relationships that are real, have friends that are real or do anything other than impose their own ways and squelch all resistance. They cannot even have a discussion without labeling it an argument they must win. They have no place to go because they must always be right, and so they cannot learn anything new. No one can tell them anything.They have only the old original imprinting telling them they must prevail and have it their own way, or they will lose everything. |
p.12 Sex is a major issue for them because they do not form relationships or love in which to have it. If they do seem to have a relationship, it is only for the sake of appearances. They don't notice it, but they present appearances because of the judgments I put on My rage there that what I wanted to do was not acceptable they do not usually have sex with the partner there unless it is to produce the appearance of children. If they have children, they dominate and control them. Even then, it is difficult for them to function in that setting because they hate being required to have sex instead of controlling everything that is happening there according to this old imprinting. They often rely on consciousness-altering substances and other means to get them to a state of arousal there. These rage fragments have to go, just as the dinosaurs had to go, because it is not possible for them to move into Heart presence with only the imprinting they have to work with there. Nonetheless, they have not gone yet and, so far, have viewed themselves as much more parental than I am, and much less guilty. They hate guilt and the guilt presentaton that I originally made when I gave the appearance of agreeing with the Will about holding back sexually. They don't regard guilt as any kind of presence other than a rag doll impersonator to be manipulated by Her. They hate being manipulated by the Will polarity or by any women.They have complete domination in mind. If they cannot move past this imprinting,they need to move to another place to do it. They were so sure they had what they needed there, as was I, originally, that they did not stop to take anything else into consideration. But the difference between Me and them is that they left Me without any of the rest of the consciousness that has developed since then. They had sexual excitation in mind and nothing else present there with them except what had happened already. They might still insist that they have the parental position, because they have had the experience they have had, which, they have argued, was the experience I was originally seeking, should have had and did not let Myself have. They might argue, still, that my path is no more valid, and even less valid, than theirs because they have pursued My original intent, but there is no lost Will that can hold the parental position, and they clearly left Me. I know that now. It is only a matter of time until I will have moved enough rage to reclaim this original lost essence, and then there will be no place they can go except into Me to feel the love that will have infused and gentled the rage by then. |
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The seventh, 7th RUOW book [channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1995] 7 IMPRINTING A Healing of the Chakras Dedicated to The Healing of the Gap and the Survival of Love |
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p.13 In the meantime, Father of Manifestation pieces need to move as much of their sexual rage and their rage over issues of power as possible to give their Will a chance to get free of this ancient imprisonment by old imprinting. THE MISSING HEART PRESENCE For a long time, I did not want to look back, go back or even remember anything about these original experiences. It was much too painful and long buried under the belief that it was not possible, necessary or even advisable to do this. The veneer of civilization was being busily polished, and it seemed advisable, and in the best interests of all concerned, to let bygones be bygones, let old memories lie sleeping and buried and to stir no cauldrons of unknown outcome. I, for One, was not proud of My old primordial self and did not want it to look as though I had not progressed past that. I hesitated to look favorably upon anything as Me that did not reflect the loving self I had wanted to be there. The first denial made was against the original self. Nothing since then has been real, because it was never allowed to evolve. It was first denied because it had rage. Next terror was denied and then heartbreak. Everything that has happened since was pasted on top of that and cannot evolve until these denials are healed. I denied this rage, originally in the name of being loving, and it did not look like I had done the wrong thing, given the reflection it was presenting out there. Given the Heart presence that was lost there, it is no wonder it was looking that way, I did not notice the Heart loss there. I had to notice it by going back and looking for it when I did not like the lack of loving presence in My relationship efforts. I had always viewed Myself as loving, and therefore, never thought of it as other than the woman's fault, which is how imprinting read it then. Actually, there is a lot more to the story than that, and I have to give another part of it now. My Heart has been cruising with Me in the beginning when We encountered the Will essence and got Our shock there. I wanted to go toward the feelings I was experiencing there. Heart had been urging Me to, I thought, but when the Will hesitated, Heart began to hold back. Suddenly We had a split and it was with Spirit too, although I did not realize it then. Our split was over sexuality. I wanted to |
p.14 go ahead, and They did not. I was very binary at that stage of My development. Either They were with Me and wanted to do what I wanted to do, or They were not. I moved past Them without even realizing I had done it. I felt that I must pursue these feelings, and They did not want to make a shift in Our reality. I was ready to make a shift sudddenly and They were not. I was angry at Them for pulling back as though They were not going to go into this with Me. Either They were with Me and wanted to do what I wanted to do, or They were not. I did not like the idea that My new focus meant that I could not also have my old one because They were going to abandon Me there. Either They were with Me and wanted to do what I wanted to do, or They were not. I did not notice My own binary thought process here. I was not developed enough yet. When My companions hesitated and told Me to move slower, I did not like the feeling of being held back and concluded that They could not be feeling what I was feeling if They wanted Me to hold back. I felt like a split was the only response to have there, but I did not even notice it had happened until Heart was gone except for the part that agreed with Me. A PIECE OF HEART'S IMPRINTING Heart did not know what had happened there either. He needed to go through a lot more than He was given the opportunity to do there to realize how He felt and what his right place was. Heart has to go back now, also, and learn what He missed there, which is just about everything He needs to make His own relationships work. Heart never knew how he felt, because He was not given enough time in the beginning. It is not possible to move out the old conditioning of what happened there without moving into a lot of pain. This has to be gone into now, and it is going to take a long time to get to a place of feeling good there. Heart has many issues to go through, and Heartbreak is only one of them. Heartbreak needs to be looked at much more deeply than it has been in the past, My own included. I did not know Heart then. I thought it was only a voice in My head, and that I was essentially talking to Myself. I had no concept of love yet other than a feeling of goodness toward Myself. I did not have the concept of others to be good toward or not good toward. I wanted to please Myself and I thought I knew how to do that. I had focused entirely on Myself as I knew Myself to be and had |
p.15 Heart
felt immediately guilty that
He was the cause of this, because the first experience that I had
had in relationship was with Him. Heart was
trying to please Me, but Heart was also trying
to prove HImself right, and I did not like that. He did not think
I was going to dislike relationship and was
trying to urge Me to go into it and try it out. I did not like Heart's
urgings there or where He was asking Me to look. |
and someone comments: It's not your computer lagging, it's the dancer lagging
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From
Hermann Hesse's Late Poems, re-discovered on Shabbat Eve Sept. 14, 2012 Gewitter im Juni Sonne krankt, Gebirge kauert, Schwarze Wetterwolkenwand Mit geduckten Kraeften lauert, Niedig flattern scheue Voegel, Graue Schatten uebers Land. Donner, lange schon zu heren, Poltert lauter lost und klingt Herlich auf zu Paukenchoeren, Draus trompetenhell und golden Blitz um Blitz den Schwall durchdringt. Regen stuertz in dichten Guessen Glaesern, kalt und silberfahl, Rennt in Baechen, rauscht in Fluessen Wild wie lang verhaltenes Schluchzen Nieder ins erschreckte Tal Juni 1953 See the Hebrew song: I want to cry Lately a tune created itself to a familiar poem: "Seltsam im Nebel zu wandern... Leven ist Einsamkeit" |
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The seventh, 7th RUOW book [channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1995] 7 IMPRINTING A Healing of the Chakras Dedicated to The Healing of the Gap and the Survival of Love |
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p.16 I did not let Him know that. I disguised it instead, because I feared He had in mind to build Himself a place that would outdo My place, outdo Me and push Me out of the dominant position I wanted to have. I moved against Heart, making it all a competition He could never win. I made sure of that. I stacked it against HIm, and the judge was always Me. When He first came along, I did not know I needed to make Him any place or give Him any say of His own, because the only part He brought forward was the part that agreed with Me, and so I did not see Him as anything other than Me and My own thoughts there. As soon as He disagreed, I did not make space for Him either, other than to push that part out on its own without any more relationship with Me. I might as well have disowned Him there, and He has hated Me for this, more than He has ever let Himself know, ever since. He felt disowned and on His own at a very early age, without any of the parental guidance He was wanting to have. He did not let Me know He cared about Me there either. Instead, He set about building a rival kingdom to overthrow Me. I did not care. I did not let Myself know He posed any threat to Me. This was what I wanted Him to do, I said; until He began forming an alignment with Spirit. I first noticed this when They split with Me over having sex with the Will. When They pulled back, I did not like it. When the Will did not receive Me the way I wanted Her to, it looked like They were all aligned against Me. I feared it, but I did not let Myself notice that part for a long time. I converted My fear and feelings of displacement into telling Them that if They were going to treat Me like that, I was going to beat Them at Their own game. If They did not like it or did not think I would or could, all They needed to do was watch Me do it. I had far greater size, strength, power, experience and know-how than They did. So what was I going to do about it if They did not like My plan and opposed Me sexually? Just watch! And watch They did, because I pushed past Them with whatever wanted to go for it the way I did without even noticing Them as anything more than My own troublesome, unaligned thought patterns that would not let Me direct and control them to get them moving the way I wanted them to. I pushed past anything Heart had to say there that I did not |
p.17 I had more pain and
frustration than rage by then, but I did not let Myself notice
that. I felt terribly thwarted and displaced from My original
pictures of how it was supposed to go and blamed
everything that had ever disagreed with Me as the cause of that. I
was determined to make a place for Myself where I could have it My
own way, be right and have sex. The rest did not matter to Me then,
I thought. It was just a lot of complication I wanted to live
without. |
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The seventh, 7th RUOW book [channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1995] 7 IMPRINTING A Healing of the Chakras Dedicated to The Healing of the Gap and the Survival of Love |
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p.19 His bondage and punishment more than She liked My sexuality. I had to move past him there. He would not let Me in the movie. He was exerting some kind of pressure against Me there, and I considered it totally unfair since he had stolen My place. I pushed him out of the way when I took her sexually, and then pushed her away when she would not admit that she liked what I had done there. The heart had been pushed out already, so it didn't matter to Me what happened to these purple people. I had had the feeling that purple was the color of My passion, and now it was having the feeling of My repeating failure to find sexual satisfaction anywhere I went. It even seemed like a prayer of Mine to not have sexual feelngs anymore because it was not right, good or loving and was only causing trouble, pain, suffering, turmoil, separation, and most of all, lack of peace. Peace, after all, was what I had been seeking in the beginning. I remembered it there and how far I had come from that place. I went back into tha place in Purple. I blamed the Will for seducing Me and drawing Me into those feelings. I tried to find My original peace and never wanted to move sexually again. It did not work. My meditation was haunted by sexual feelings. It was not long before I had a new fantasy woman. This one was laughing at Me for trying to get rid of My draw to her. This one was Blue. She looked cooler and seemed to be saying I would not get in as much trouble this time because I would be able to keep My head. She was holding out her arms as if to say, "If she won't give You what You want, I will. Come on, big boy." I hated seeing this image within Me. As much as possible, I avoided looking at it, but it grew within Me until. I could not help but try to go after it again I tried and tried to get rid of My sexual feelings in response to that image. I pushed them down and out so many times I cannot count them. but it was to no avail. I was a hopeless sexual pervert junkie, and I left My place of peace in search of pussy; dripping, hot, lustful and desire-filled pussy. I could not contain Myself anymore. I ran looking for the girl in My fantasies to have sex with her. At first, she seemed to like it more than I ever thought was going to be possible. Then I had a feeling of wanting to leave and go back into My place of peace again, and she would not let Me go. I did not know where she had come from or how to get back out of this picture, but I had to go, and she was holding Me back from leaving. |
p.20 I felt held down and controlled. I felt desperate and panicky, and rage broke loose again. I began to rage and fuck her violently at the same time, hoping she wouldn't like Me anymore and would then reject Me like the others had. She would not let Me go, even then. She even seemed to like it more than I did. I felt her hooks go into Me there. I really had to go then. I broke loose from her . Rolling out of control into the space around Us, I rolled over Green and other colors that were unnoticed as of yet. My actions imprinted these colors as being unimportant, in the way, in the wrong place at the wrong time. unwanted and powerless to protect themselves in the face of the unexpected, among other things. I felt like a fool who had been lured and tricked into yet another painful scenario of heartbreak. I was never going to let that happen to Me again. I felt more pain there than I had imagined possible and dumped out plenty of Heart, telling it never to let Me open to those kinds of feelings ever again. I made a vow to always protect Myself in any kind of involvement I might ever have and never to leave Myself open and vulnerable like that again. I was a three time loser, and I wouldn't be surprised if that's where the saying came from. If there was anything below that, I wasn't going to find out about it or let it hurt Me in any way. I was going to keep a gap between Me and it for as long as I lived. GIVING HEART THE BOOT Heart was urging Me to move toward the original woman, and I was not sure I wanted to because fantasy woman seemed like all I needed there. I was afraid of something that might not like Me the way I wanted Her to. I gave Heart another reason, though, that I might not like Her the way He wanted Me to. I wasn't sure He was urging Me toward anything real anyway, so why not move along and see what happened instead of going for anything in particular? Heart was insistent that I try Her, saying that She wanted Me already. I felt sure that this was not the case and that fantasy woman was all I needed. "No,' Heart insisted, going toward Her whether I wanted to or not. Heart was almost moving past Me there, going for the Will. I shoved Him in a part of Myself, saying here, "If You need Her and |
p.21 want Her so much, You have Her." I gave Him no help there because I was not letting Him know I wanted Her too. He became a competitor then in the part I did not acknowledge that felt left out and too inept to be the one to go toward Her in reality. On the way, Heart found something coming up toward Him from Her. He was not sure if it was Her or not. I felt like Her, only much softer and younger. This was Her youthful Heart responding to My youthful Heart, but We did not know it then. It surged toward Him with such majesty, such exquisite grace and such breathtaking aroma that He was taken aback and did not know how to move to response to it. Instead of realizing He was its inspiration, He felt suddenly awkward and inept in its presence, like a young man about to propose something to his first love, suddenly stumbling over his own feet and tongue, rendered speechless by her intoxicating presence, while she, oblivious to her own beauty, wonders if he does not like her the way she hoped he would. Young love could have been born there in a dance so beautiful that each could have seen themselves reflected in the other's graceful beauty, awesome tenderness, enticing rhythm and delicious sensuality, but neither One realized in Their awe of the Other that They were seeing a reflection of Themselves, and heartbreak was born instead. Where I pushed Heart, He fell past Her with a lack of grace so painful to Him that He could not face Her anymore. I smirked, feeling I had just made sure She was going to be Mine, not His. She stopped, confused that I now appeared to be in Her path, and He had gone on past Her as suddenly as He had come. She thought She had been mistaken that He wanted Her, and that He was interested in the Mother instead. He coyly pretended interest in the Mother, watching Her all the while. Meanwhile, the Mother there thought no one liked Her, or We only pretended to like Her while really being interested in someone else; someone else more young and beautiful. On the way, Heart found something coming toward Him from Her. He was not sure how He felt about this because He was not sure if it was the Mother or not. He felt something so exquisitely soft and enticing inviting Him to dance that He was not sure how to respond at first. He grew frightened that this was not the right |
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The seventh, 7th RUOW book [channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1995] 7 IMPRINTING A Healing of the Chakras Dedicated to The Healing of the Gap and the Survival of Love |
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p.22 thing for Him to be dong there. Enticing aroma wafted toward Him from Her presence. She was irresistible to Him, yet He was supposed to resist Her because She was the Mother, and He was not supposed to have Her himself. He lusted for Her forbidden fruit and wondered why She should be so forbidden if I was too stubborn, stupid or whatever I was to come for Her [sic]. He gave in to Her intoxicating aroma and fell as if in a drugged state, hideously and awkwardly at Her feet, unable to move any further. When He arose, He could not face Her anymore and thought it would be impossible for Him to have a mate, because He could not do any more than I could there. He retreated to Me, and together, We lamented Our lack of finesse in the situation. I hesitated there with Heart's urging. I wanted to go forward, but encouraged Him to be an emissary in some way. He felt more urgent than I did anyway, I did not like moving toward somethng that had not given Me any indication that it wanted Me yet. I was making up My mind when Heart rushed past Me as if He knew better than I did. I thought He must be the right one to go to this place, but I did not like it that He went first. I wanted to be the One to go first and felt like Heart was making Me the follower now. What was I going to do now, come dragging up behind like some shy boy who couldn't make his own proposal? What space could possibly be left for Me now? Never mind that He felt the Mother more than I did there. He did not need to go rushing past Me like someone out of control and with His own agenda. I hated HIm there and did not let Him know. He found something on His way that I wanted more than what He had been urging Me toward anyway, so I pushed Him where He claimed to be going and took this essence for Myself. It was young and tender, delicate and entrancing, seductive as shimmering veils of exquisite color and tantalizing aroma, undulating in a sea of soft light and rippling rhythms. Primordial rhythms began to stir in Me as I saw this exquisite sight. The Heart of the Mother slowly twirled and danced before Me. Like a man falling into a stupor, I fell at Her feet. I was hopelessly lost to Her wiles. Her charm and Her grace totally mesmerized Me into doing anything She wanted Me to do. I was helpless in Her gaze. I could not think of anything other than more feelings of this sort and never letting it stop. I became hypnotized by Her spell and followed Her everywhere that she went. I could not get free of Her call. Like a sailor irresistably drawn [see the famous song about the Loreley in my SONG_GAME , including images]] |
p.23 by the siren's call, I went to Her no matter what the Mother said or did. I could not breathe in Her presence, but I did not care. I wanted Her to overtake Me and carry Me off into Her world of make believe where I had no cares of My own. I was suddenly like an old man, worn down by the weight of the world, lifted in the love of youthful arms to a place of sweet surrender where I could drink the nectar of everlasting renewal from Her lips. I thought My very life was dependent upon what She had to give Me without realizing that She was the love of the Mother for Me and that I needed to let Her bond with My heart as a gift from the Mother on My way to Her. I could not move past Her. I was too weak, too scared and too immature Myself to know what I was doing there. I was like a bee, so drunk on the flower's nectar he never gets to the part he is looking for and doesn't even know it's there really. I did not know that My sudden awareness of Myself as adolescent, so to speak, had an evolutionary path it needed to take. I gravitated toward My own satisfaction there, and it was not the Mother first. It was Her Heart, but I did not know it then. I drank in the feelings of love there like a thirsty man and did not think it was any other than the original Will essence that Heart had pointed Me toward. He felt more right to Me now that I liked this place, and I was surprised to feel Him responding in a negative manner to My being thee. First You say go, then You say stop, was my outlook on this. I did not see His problem because He was nothing separate from Me there either, and I didn't know He wanted to be. When I realized He did and that He wanted this exquisite piece of essence for His mate, I was shocked, amazed, hurt and enraged. I was fearful too, but that was the most denied in Me for some reason. It gave Me no power would be My guess now, but then it was just moving past something that felt like it had nothing to offer Me that I wanted. I wanted My place with Heart's Will and did not know it was not My place. It felt so good there I did not want for anything else for along time. After a long time, I did realize there was something missing. It was the Mother Herself, but Heart had been with Her, and it did not seem like She needed Me anymore. She was always with Heart, acting like She did not need Me anymore. She was always looking at Me with Heart's Will and not liking what She saw. It did not seem right to Her. To Me, it was Her jealousy that wanted to be with Me and did |
p.24 She felt superior to Me there
and when She finally approached Me, She approached Me with Her rage
as though I was an idiot of some sort and as though Her
daughter had betrayed Her and tried to take Her place. She
is still suspicious. |
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p. 25 be it because He wanted to be here too, but He would not leave the Mother by Herself. Why She wouldn't come here and have fun like the rest of Us, I did not know. I felt like more of Her seriousness. Her feeling tone was that She wanted Me all to Herself and wasn't going to share Me with anyone. I was not sure She was worth putting my whole self into and didn't see any advantage to doing it that way. Where was that going to get Me? When I had any problem now, I just moved to the next. It was quite easy, really, and that's how I wanted life to be. Finally, I needed something else. The Mother was still enraged because She had wanted that to be Our courtship and not Me with Heart's Will. My Heart had a problem there too, because He felt like now He was going to get His mate after I had used up Her youth and the flower of Her virginity. She was like a harem or brothel maiden to Him now and not the Heart He was originally going toward. I told Him I was just preparing Her for Him as He should have been preparing the Mother for Me, but it did not look or feel that way to Him. He had feelings aligned with the Mother there that I had done something that was not right. I wasn't about to let that get pinned on Me, so I moved past Him there and the Mother too when She had the same viewpoint. Now I 'm sorry, but that does not make it different and it is not possible to change it now. They were the colors dancing to please Me, and the Mother had lost the flower of Her youth waiting for Me to arrive. Heart lost His youthful and innocent exuberance for romance. He was bitter, and the Mother was too. He had no right to be bitter I told Him, I did not know, and He did not let Me know. "I tried to tell You," He said, "but You never listen to Me." |
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The seventh, 7th RUOW book [channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1995] 7 IMPRINTING A Healing of the Chakras Dedicated to The Healing of the Gap and the Survival of Love |
continuation of the Red Book's first 30 pages, with the chapter "HEART'S OWN STORY" in "RedSeaPartnerShip>The Raft"
Shabbat, September 15, 2012 [Lior Oren's birthday]
 
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G-mail announces new posts on Facebook, and that's how I learn, that my grand- daughter has gone to Germany, to Stuttgart out of all places, and taken this picture of the town, where I was born in 1938 G-mail also sends me my "twin-brother's" blesssings and image to Rosh-Hashanah. It shows the genius mathematician, Moshe Klein opening his complex world, to kindergarden children. But he also attaches - again- his warning concerning "the Crisis of the Atom". We both see our task in "Saving the Planet", though neither understand's the other's concepts, informations and understandings. "Who knows, perhaps we complement each other!" |