(from the Mother Page)

"and walking humbly with your God"
"Walking Hum
In the pool I thought about the issue of my "Finetuning"...
Suddenly I heard you say to me:


"Telling yourself: let go of this fear, is futile!
Telling yourself: be aware of this fear, is fertile!"

I decided then and there to insert this response as "image of today"!
And now, while blindly choosing a pyramid sound-button
I received a deepening of that pool-answer:


"Wholeness  of  being will  be  yours,
if you are willing t o   t a k e   r e s p o n s i b i l i t y
for all that you experience,
if you are willing
to bring your own light and healing intent,
bring your own consciousness
lovingly and intentionally into Hell ~

AND FEEL ALL THERE IS TO FEEL THERE. "

hodayot [thanksgivings] for today

11;00
This morning I was so upset by something I still haven't learnt,
that I started rightaway with the "Finetuning to my Presence"
[see below],
while - for all the last 48 days - creating my morning "altar"
was always the first thing I did after opening the computer.
and preparing the new page, by using a template, created previously

I now want to give thanks to Body, Mind, Feeling and Spirit
for helping me to sculpt something out of my upset feelings,
and to reach an understanding,
which will help me heal.

Finetuning to my Present

I don't understand the actuality of this life-issue,
though it's about time to come to grips with it:
self-victimization towards people whom I fear to "disturb",
be it by "letting them wait",
be it by asking them for info - about a street in a city, for instance,
or be it by needing them to do something for me,
which they are not really keen on doing, or so I fear.
The sculpture of my "victorious" negotiation with the "Orange-people"
must have flown into two small dream-scenes
and the memory of the tiniest of real scenes:

Dreams:
I see myself entering a jeep (intended for 5 persons only),
in which at least nine young jolly men are sitting under and over each other.
They seem to do me a favor in taking me, and who am I to open my mouth?
but while driving continues, I do open it!
I ask as softly as possible, with as much humor as possible:
"How many persons are allowed to drive in one jeep ?"

I don't remember the answer or the outcome.

In the same dream I find myself among many different groups of hikers,
dressed as if they belonged to army units or youth movements,
standing in a large court-yard, waiting for something.
Looking around I see two tormenting scenes, one of them:
Very high up in a tower with a big round window
a horse is being suspended from the upper frame,
with the intent to make it feel in suspense - literally -
of falling down every second.
Shocked I turn to some men next to me who seem to be the leaders,
and - not gently this time, but with utmost inner authority and fury -
show them the cruel sight:
"how can you bear this without doing anything?"
Again, I don't remember the response or the outcome.
But I do remember my own terror of having dared to be so "impertinent".

While waking up with these two dreams,
I connected them with the Orange story
and, at first, was happy:
"I've learnt it, I've learnt it after all!"
[See right frame]

But then a tiny scene was conjured up,
so insignificant, so ridiculous, how can I even write about it!
And still - a hoard of memories of similar "ridiculous" scenes attacked me,
and - I sob now - it seems, that I still haven't learnt
to stand up to myself in SMALL , in small what? I can't even find a word.

It "happened" close to 9 o'clock in the evening the day before yesterday.
Ofir, my landlord, had come to check,
why my sewage pump was again making problems.
(See an ecological solution - once and for all - which I suggested in June 2006)

To be available for questions, I did not work on K.is.s.-Log
but did household things, had my supper and "listened" to the news reports.
Twice I heard - among the promos before the commercials -
that there would be a report
about Ran Dankner and The Film Festival in Berlin.
Since this Ran Dankner and his song about "becoming equal",
had such importance for me, ever since Tomer had acquainted me with it,
I was interested just in that report, everything else was of no interest to me.

No sooner did they start with this news spot,
than Ofir called me to the toilet room.
"O, just now? I wanted to listen to that", I said, but without emphasis.
How can other people know,
that I don't "just watch TV", but listen only to what is of interest for me?

Ofir told me, what he wanted to tell me and said:
"Now you can return to what you wanted to see."
Hearing through the door, that one had proceeded to the weather forecast,
I said - disappointed : "It's over already."
It was then that Ofir wondered:
"But you could have told me, that it was important for you,
I could have waited a bit!"

There it was, my panic of letting someone wait.

I remembered a tiny scene at Shoham, some weeks ago,
when the motor of the solar boiler stopped to work.
Immanuel was not around
and Efrat was mad, that he wasn't there to take care.
She even knocked at her neighbor's door:
"Is your husband in, maybe he can help me"
the husband was an installator by profession, but he wasn't in.
After a while Yaffit, the wife, knocked to give an advice.
Efrat opened,
BUT DID NOT STOP TALKING ON HER PHONE
for at least 3 minutes.
Terror made me freeze:
She is asking a favor from this woman
AND LET'S HER WAIT????

Of course, the "psychological" reasons for this panic are clear.
40 years of severe oppression by mother and husband,
and some vivid scenes in front of my eyes,
when I - for vital reasons - had to let my husband wait for half a minute.
Not less clear are the "metaphysical" reasons
for having created this conditioning in my drama from earliest childhood,
I, who am such a hero in "big matters" (can't find the word in any language),
and have never succumbed to other people's opinion
in questions of what I wanted to do with my life,
I needed this conditioning in small "encounters",
in order to understand humans.

My fearlessness can be a barrier (see Sinai, left frame)
and I sometimes need to get a hammer on my head to learn to fear.
(There is a fairy tale by the Grimm Brothers with the title:
"Einer der auszog, das Fuerchten zu lernen"
"One who set out to learn to fear ")

But I want to be free of this terror of letting somebody wait,
I want to be free of any other terror,
which has to do with asking for a favor.
I'm afraid even of my son,
when I need to ask him to help me now with the new Sound Software,
Since he is no longer ready to help me with my very old one(6 years),
and demanded, that I learn the new software, which he is familiar with.

What is the great fear?
I can feel it in my body, in my breath, in the ponding of my heart,
even while doing this fine-tuning.

Right now that victory at "Orange" and those two dreams do not help me.
Situations like the one with Ofir or the one between Efrat and Yaffit
are almost suffocating me.

When the "spiritual people" talk about letting go of fear,
do they talk about such "ridiculous" fears?
And how can I "let go" of them? Just like that?
Or am I now clinging to the belief, the judgment,
that healing is a long, long process?

If so, I ask my sobbing Self now:
"Please heal my fear of "disturbing people",
by letting them wait, or asking them to do something for me,
or to stop doing something against me or against others, the horse!

****
I've been aware of my self-victimization in "big matters"
(see pp41 I Create My Own Reality
pp42 Victim and Perpetrator
pp43 Self-Victimization )
and a summary of self-victimization to "Authorities" in Bus-Steps

but self-victimization of nano-size have gone either unnoticed or undealt with.

I want to change this and follow "God's" advice today:

"Telling yourself: let go of this fear, is futile!
Telling yourself: be aware of this fear, is fertile!"

It is comforting now , that before the scene with Ofir in the toilet,
I had a sweet experience with his kids and him.

Since Meital, the mother, had to go somewhere at 16:20,
I was asked to babysit Lior (exactly 6) and Amit (exactly 3) for an hour or so.
I was determined to take them to the desert, to my Wadi of Compassion.
Two years ago little Lior even had "helped" me a little in making the path.
Now Meital came and as if guessing my plan, warned me:
"but don't take them for a walk, they are already after their shower."

In that situation - unlike at night in the toilet... - I dared to make a face and say:
"But that's a great pity!
With whom can they go out into nature if not with me!"
It has never happened before, and in fact,
I was asked to "babysit" not more than 3-4 times in all these years.


But after 10 minutes Meital (who is afraid to displease people just like I am) called:
"you can take them for 15 minutes,
but only in the sun, since I didn't give them coats."

I was happy, Lior was happy and only Amit was scared.

We reached the descent to the wadi,
where I walk to and fro twice a day, to the pool, when I am in Arad.
I let Amit take my hand:
"What are all these stones here!?" he asked,
the child, whose feet had never touched the earth, the soil, the stones...

I was afraid, he would be deterred to go on,
but since he is so attached to his sister,
he was ready to go where she was ready to go.
We reached the wadi
I tried to tell them, that this was a "river",
where only two days ago lots of water had run through,
but left it, when I saw that Amit had no frame of reference for my teaching.
Looking at the sky, he even didn't recognize the moon,
which became clearer and clearer, the lower the sun sank.
"A little cloud!" he said. "No!" "The sun!" he said.
I pointed to the sun, which was about to sink on the opposite side.
"It's the moon!" I explained,
and from then on he often looked up to the strange apparition and said:
"The moon!"

Lior saved me and us by discovering little snail houses,
some with hibernating animals in it, but most of them empty..
They began to gather snail houses of all sizes.
We didn't have any vessel in which to guard them,
so they exhibited them on a flat rock.
It was marvellous to see,
how Amit forgot about the fear of soil and stones,
and began to climb around as if he were born in the desert
(and not 300 m above in a neighborhood of asphalt streets...).

I still was afraid, the kids might catch a cold,
and when Lior said she had to pee and of course wouldn't pee "outside",
I made them go home,
play the organ, color the snails, paint with gouashe on paper
(Right in the beginning Amit had asked for "gouashe",
remembering a time I had let them paint - unlike their mother,
who is not only scared of sand and soil but also of gouache etc.
Lior warned: "Imma doesn't allow that, we'll get dirty."
I had to keep myself from exploding,
but then when Meital called about going out,
I also got her permission for using gouashe.)

Suddenly Lior remembered
that she had seen a snail at the entrance to my garden.
"Do you have something with which I can dig it out?"
But before I could answer,
she had already discovered a small screwdriver on my desk,
and out she ran, with Amit in her footsteps.

And then the surprise!
Amit - that child who had never been in nature -
grapped the screwdriver from his sister's hand,
ran out of the gate and shouted: "to the snails, to the snails!"

I was so delighted, that I overcame my fear (!!!!) of his mother's warning
("he has just been sick!").
I asked the kids to wait for me bringing them something to warm them,
I found two woolen shawls, wrapped them around them,
and ran with them to the wadi.
Again we had forgotten to bring a cup, but there was a torn nylon-bag,
I tied it in a way, that a cup was formed
and from then on little Amit dug out snail after snail -
with the screwdriver!
No wonder! he is the son of a maintenance man in the army!

After 2 minutes only - his father called me, that he had come home.
"You better advance to the wadi!" I said,
and soon I saw him standing above calling: "Amit!"
No reaction on Amit's part.
Lior showed her father from where to descend,
but Amit did not want to go home with his father.
"Then I'll go alone with Lior (who had to go to her ballet-lessons)."
"Then go with Lior, I'll stay here and gather snails!"
Ofir and I looked at each other and laughed.
This child, the shadow of his sister, would stay here?
But he did stay, and dug out snails and put them in my nylon-cup,
and only when he couldn't see anything anymore,
because it had become darker and darker,
Amit agreed to climb up with me - "alone" he said,
and go home - a child whom Nature had touched.....

Isn't the story about Amit the perfect context,
for now inserting the old photos of my walk with Tomer,
the photos of Shabbat, February 2,
which were retrieved in the lab of "Orange"?
Tomer, close to nature by nature,
grew up with his desert grandma,
and whenever we meet,
he wants to go out with me into nature,
and if it is in Arad, to the desert.
Except that the last time
he felt himself as being less fit than before.
Drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes
and the life with his "friends" in the city
weren't doing him any good.
Still after an hour or so he was fit again like an ibex.

Strange that the Ofir scene last evening
had to do with Ran Dankner
and that now I'm telling about the dialog about Dankner
with Tomer.

"Why did you send me this song,
if you don't like it yourself?"

"I thought, you would like it!"

"Come on, why did you pay attention to it,
if it's foreign to you?"

"I feel, that it's phony, what Dankner says there,
I don't believe him!
It will not happen, that people will become equal!"

What could I say but:
"Well then let's not talk about this song any longer.
For me it's such hope, such consolation,
I don't want you to ruin it !"

[the photo to the left : Will Tomer walk away or stay?..]