hodayot [thanksgivings] for today
My Body, my Partner, my God
I give thanks for the rediscovered 13th lesson of Aya's "Paula Keys"
Stand on your feet- which should be placed a bit apart,
but exactly parallel to each other, with closed eyes.
Lift the front part of one foot, without lifting the ankle,
while the other foot is firmly rooted on the ground,
Lift the foot higher and higher, while everything else is allowed to move:
The knees can bend, the body can bend with hands almost to the floor, -more

I'm grate-full, that my intention was fulfilled:
to ease E's double intense stress - newspaper deadline & the T.-drama.
I'm grate-full for the sweet, though ominous! experience with strong Mika:
At 1 AM I hear sounds from Mika's room and rush to her bed.
She gets up, down her bed, takes my hand, leads me to my room
and crawls into my bed, as if this had been the usage for ages.
"Imma will be angry!" I say, but decide to surrender for a while,
also because I so much yearn to lie next to a loved-one's body.
Neither of us can sleep. "Water!" she whispers & this time I don't say:
"I'm not a robot taking commands, say: please bring me water, savta!"
1:25: "Now you'll go to sleep in your bed!" Mika gets up, again takes my hand, walks over to her room, but refuses to enter. She finds a solution:
"Let's go to Nella", and again - as if we had done this for many nights,
she leads me to Nella's basket, makes us both sit down next to it,
and strokes the still not well dog, until I say: "Let's go to sleep."
She goes to the entry-door: "Please open it, I want to see Imma come."
I discovered, that I hadn't locked the door, after Tomer had knocked at 22:15.
I'm relieved, that E. didn't have to discover this herself...
Mika stares outside. "Imma isn't there, she still works on the newspaper!"
I close the door, take her hand, walk to her room, enter it, - she is back in bed.
5 min. later Efrat comes home, finds Mika awake: "I slept a bit with grandma"..

Finetuning to my Present

[contrasted by images of Tomer with his Savta and his Abba in 2001-2002]

When Tomer -at 22:15 as expected- arrived by taxi from Bne-Arazim
- to where he was exiled by Ben-Shemen at 13:00, by taxi too -
(who'll pay for all these taxis? Efrat claims: he himself from his birthday money...)
he knocked at the entry door.
Since it's quite a distance from my room, and around a few steps,
and since I still cannot run with my injured leg, I shouted: "I'm coming!"
But when I opened the door, he was not to be seen.
"Tomer", I screamed, "Tomer, stop making 'kuntzim'!"
for, of course, he was hiding in order to surprise and scare me.
I closed the door again, and he was knocking: "But I'm here".

It wasn't a good beginning.
First, because he showed me, that he expected me to be the grandma he knows.
Second, because my carefully prepared sentences got shattered a bit.
I felt bad, that I had to disappoint him with:
"I was instructed,
that you are not to see TV or computer, but to go to bed rightaway."
And my not-instructed proposal was not as free of tension as I had wanted it to be.
"If you have any plans to be with me, the only thing possible is to talk.
I am ready to listen to what YOUR truth is.
And I am ready to hear, how you want to organize your near future."
At least he said politely:
"Is it possible to do neither this or that?"
"As you wish!"
And he disappeared in his room.
Afraid, that he might open the computer after all
(as he had done a month ago, when he thought that his father was fast asleep),
I cautiously opened the door and saw him in front of the cupboard in his underwear.
"Are you going to sleep, Tomer?" "I already went to sleep."
Only this morning E. informed me, that now the computer can be opened only by a code.

I knew, that Efrat, though she went to bed at 2 AM, wanted to control T.'s departure.
I decided not to show my face, before the taxi would take him away at 7:30.

While in the middle of sculpting this, Efrat came in
- elegantly dressed and her face and hair made-up as usually, when she goes to work
and said: "I asked Doron at Bne-Arazim, about Tomer.
The kids were cleaning now, he said, and that Tomer seemed to be alright.
I countered; "That's not what I wanted to hear! "If he doesn't feel bad,
even Bne-Arazim will not be a deterrent for him any more."
Efrat had given Tomer another "piece of her mind" this morning, which included:
"You'll hear today, if you can go back to Ben-Shemen,
or if you have to stay overnight here and go back to Bne-Arazim tomorrow!
And don't delude yourself, that you'll get your weekend with your mother
(which would mean: two free days smoking with his "friends" in Tel-Aviv- Jaffo...).
We'll have to decide about that."
She said, that this threat did, indeed, shock him....
[Dec. 12, T. was allowed to go to his mother under the condition, the he would not leave the house.
But no sooner had he arrived there than he called E., that he felt suffocated
and that he had to go out - only to the park next to the house - for one hour at least.
E. and I. (in Atlanta..) agreed and - indeed~ - after 1 hour T. reported: "I'm back!"]

Efrat went on telling me:
"Poor Immanuel, at 8 this morning he asked me,
if he could allow himself to go to sleep
(his flight-simulator is at Atlanta, capital of Georgia in USA)
But later this day he'll again have to make many phonecalls
concerning Tomer's being received back at Ben-Shemen or not yet."


I have 4 more hours al-one with my creating and learning.
And I ask:
Is it right, that I'm mostly listening - and not "doing" anything?

Yesterday night before Efrat returned to her office at Shoham,
she had a cigarette on the veranda and I sat beside her and listened.
Only once did I "give my opinion!"
She said, that she had had a long and good phone-talk (on the day of her deadline!)
with Michal, the psychologist of Bne-Arazim,
"who thinks like I think, that T. always got what he wanted all his life,
that we are empowering Tomer - for instance -
by too much eye-to-eye talking,
and that the weak link in the chain is Immanuel, who doesn't feel whole."
(Indeed, during that skype-talk I. voiced, that if it only would be possible for Efrat,
the best option for T. would be to live at home and go to school like normal kids.).
Efrat emphasized:
"Rather than eating or drinking we should go to a family-therapy,
but only with this Michal!" (Immanuel had often suggested this formerly)
This is where I made myself heard:
"The question is, if even Michal, who knows all the actors so well, can imagine,
how you two, yes, you, Efrat, too, succumb to Tomer in little things.
The way you always come to him: "Tomer, do you want to eat something?"
And if not: "do you want something else?" Or when everyone eats, and he says, I'm not hungry, but then when everyone starts to eats, he suddenly demands to eat, too, you jump up and bring him the food, and of course, exactly the food he wants. "
I didn't hide my anger about this kind of subservience
which I witnessed throughout Tomer's life.
This time Efrat agreed with me and even said:
"Yes we should have somebody who points out our mistakes,
and shows us our holes".
I swallowed my thought:
"And I am not the one, whom you'll accept as pointing out those holes.
On the contrary, you always point out, that I am the one who succumbs to Tomer."

I'm a bit frustrated: this is not "fine-tuning", this is reporting, and a bit discharging.
But I don't know anything better right now.
I better turn to doing the exercises for healing my leg...

Nourishment from Others

A very teaching story about two magicians in "Right Use of Will" > The Land of Pan, p. 82-89