I focus my experiencing and awareness on being
"a pioneer of Evolution
in learning to feel":
I let my Body vibrate and my Heart 'womb'
pain, shame, fear, boredom, powerlessness,
so feelings can >heal >guide>fulfill>evolve,
and ~~~ offer ~~~"goldmines"~~~ to us all!!
"I
want you to feel everything, every little thing!"
K.I.S.S. -
L O G 2
0 0 8
Keep It Simple Sweetheart
Then those who see Ha-Shem, will talk
among each other,
and he listens and he
hears
yatakaalamuna allathina
yarau'na-hu ,
va-yusri va-yasma'
Dann die IHN schauen, werden reden miteinander,
und er lauscht und er
hoert
Puis ceux qu'ils voient Ha-Shem, se parlent
l'un a l'autre
il entends,
il ecoute
Actions pool: twice
garden
K.i.s.s.-Log
TV [about
'time-slow-down']
Interactions
[ph=phone; e=e-mail; sk=skype] ph:Dental Clinic: only on Oct. 22, 15;30 e: to Immanuel ph-Immanuel-does not agree to "Neve-Eitan"
ph-Efrat; info ~~~ph-Efrat: Go to Neve-Eitan!
ph to Paz: welcome! even if I'll give birth!
Know exactly what you want, communicate clearly what you want,
then get out of the way, live and play, and let happen what
may
I don't exist to realize my desires, rather my desires exist
to give me reason for creative action and pretext for loving
interaction! 12:32 [after 'completing'
Sept. 11 and 12, including the arrangement of a tree of the
expanded family which I met at the wedding]
I desire - from this moment on - to focus on my encounter with
Tomer tomorrow and after that.
I desire to be guided to create the most beneficial exterior
circumstances for our togetherness.
I desire to rehearse the lessons as far as they are reported
on Healing-K.i.s.s. since 2001.
I desire to be whole & capable to meet the challenges without!
suffering stress or strain.
i
hodayot [thanksgivings] for
today
12:51 My Body,
my Partner,
my God
I give thanks to our
eyelids,
this thin fold of skin which covers and protects our eyes.
I give thanks to the levator palpebrae superioris
muscle
which retracts the eyelid to "open" the eye,
be it voluntarily or involuntarily [happens
once every 5 seconds!].
I give thanks to our eyelashes which heighten the protection.
and the meibomian gland which secretes the lipid
part of the tearfilm.
I give thanks to the nerves and the blood-supply in our eyelids.
I give thanks to the fact that I can blink fast
- to spread moisture across the surface of the eye,
to ease discomfort, or to remove irritants, which have landed
in the eye,
or to control the amount of light which enters(control
of the iris is autonomic), I give thanks, that moving my eyelids
helps me to heal past pains and to cope with present plights!
Finetuning to my Present
I had such a good idea concerning the
time with Tomer.
to travel to Yuval-David and Paz
at Neve-Eitan.
At first it was clear, that we would go by hitchhiking and
busses.
But this morning I thought: Why
shouldn't I, for once, enjoy a car?
I carefully sculpted a letter to Immanuel, but he called me,
before he had read it.
So I voiced my idea - with great fear, knowing that he wouldn't
like it at all.
He said, indeed: "This is
a journey much too long, and together with Tomer...
I would rather pay for a taxi and send Tomer to Arad than
this..."
"I knew that you would feel pressured, leave alone Efrat.
But neither did I want to succumb
to your feeling before having told you."
There would still be the possibility to go with public transportation.
But it would take us so many hours, that returning after Shabbat
would be impossible
So, I let go of this and any other initiative. I'll be open
to what will happen!!!!!!!!
An hour later Efrat:"Immanuel
told me, though you had asked him not to.
Why shouldn't you go to Neve-Eitan? "And
she gave me technical info!!!!
You are white, I am black
I am dark, you are in the light
which warms like a mother,
which cares for you.
You are small I am big (or tall)
I want to, you are able to
dance and march forward,
to be whole among people,
And perhaps a day will come and we'll become equal,
you will be a river for me, and I'll be oceans for you
and we'll flow together to infinity
a second before the line of the shore arrives.
I cry, you scream,
I am wrong, you are right,
this is our drama,
and there is no audience and no stage,
Perhaps we should sit and rest
you are you, and I am I,
let's dance , march forward
let's be equal among people.
And perhaps a day will come and we'll become equal,
you will be a river for me, and I'll be oceans for you
and we'll flow together to infinity
a second before the line of the shore arrives.
The magnetic Divine
Feminine force
expresses
itself through
emotions
and
through the physical
plane.
Feelings are intense now
because great healing is underway.
......
There are feelings that need to be healed now.
This is necessary for the transformation of consciousness
in the physical body.
....
Everyone has experienced
panic
and these feelings are surfacing now to be healed.
Emotions heal through flowing.
Use eye movement
....
Relive the memory over and over
until all the feelings associated with it have
time to flow.
If you cannot remember anything, but just have the feelings,
flow with them using eye movement and deep
breathing.
These are times when overwhelming
feelings are coming up to be healed.
...
Just as a woman breathes while giving birth,
keep breathing when panic feelings come up.
In addition to deep breathing, use eye movement
and stay focused on the feelings
for as long as it takes for good feelings to return.
Usually this happens quickly.
....
BREATHE
and use EYE MOVEMENT,
and use every bit of will power and mastery
to stay with the feelings
and to FEEL THE FEELINGS through.
Conscious flowing is how feelings heal.
...
everything depends on getting through the feeling and not
around it.
Flowing is how EMOTIONS heal,
denial just makes them unconscious
and the body stores them as tension and stress in the musculature.
Use eye movement
and deep breathing
instead of giving into disassociation
or destructive acting out.
It is wonderful when panic
comes up.
By healing these emotions,
the Divine Feminine Force is healed.
By healing the emotions of the dark dark wounding,
the body is healed.
It is like having an emotional bowel movement.
Whether it is fear, anger, hopelessness, suffocation, betrayal,
shame, etc,
this is the healing process at work.
The next
time feelings become unbearable,
stay with the feelings
no matter how painful they are,
use eye movement and keep breathing.
The feelings heal so fast it is amazing.
Driving Backward to my joys and
lessons with Tomer, my grandson, thus preparing for the frightening
challenge which is ahead of me
Tomer (with his brother Alon) in
the air, Shoham, May 2007
from
Tomer - the BEGINNINGS 2003_04_21;
last update; 2003-05_31
Tomer's self-portrait with my camera, Aug. 2002
and the devilangel,
shot by his father, Aug. 2001
Wrestling with Tomer
The sculpture of a temporary close encounter with my
grandson
between November 2002 and April 2003
reflects highlights of my inner healing towards what
I now call
My Wrestling with Tomer
following the
biblical story of Ya'aqov's wrestling with himself.
This story - which must not be severed from its context,
i.e. Jacob's growth through having to face his brother
Esau -
has been immensely helpful to me during this whole process.
Like
all pages on "Healing- K.I.S.S",
this is a 'clinic', where I heal myself,
a 'school', where I learn and grow,
and an 'art-studio' , where I create.
Imagining people who might be assisted by my process
in their own,
compels me to steadily "sculpt" my experiences
and understandings,
in order to make them communicative.
Still, I feel, I rarely succeed,
but then, this frustration is just one more feeling,
which I feel, breathe-move-sound,
and accept.
Synopsis
At the end of November 2002,
my grandson Tomer was "diagnosed as an ADHD
child",
and "permitted" to be given the Ritalin
drug every morning.
Since the effect of the prescribed dose lasted for
4 hours,
the drug was supposed to juggle him safely through
school,
"safely" meaning,
that he would not hurt himself nor others,
nor damage equipment,
nor be too much of a burden for the teachers.
At the same time I started to function as "noon-school",
"tzaharón"
in Hebrew,
thus replacing the institution, which harbored Tomer
after school, but gave up.
(I try not to
judge,
neither the school,
nor the doctors,
nor anyone else involved)
"Grandma's noon-school", "tzaharón-savta",
was superior in 3 aspects:
1. Total attention to Tomer, and, moreover, from a
loving grandma.
2. Extended hours (5 instead of 4), until his mother
would be 'free'.
3. A strict time structure, mostly outdoors , in water
and in nature.
I also proposed, that Tomer would stay with me overnight
once a week,
and for a whole weekend twice a month, both together
with his brother.
My proposals were accepted by father,
mother and the psychologist,
and - with minor deviations - this "arrangement"
lasted for 20 weeks.
Close to another visit of my son
from the US to Israel,
Tomer's mother reached the heartbreaking conclusion,
that it might be best for everyone involved,
Alon & Elah, the mother, her partner and his kids,
and Tomer himself,
if Tomer would leave with his father and live with
him "for a year".
That's how our "wrestling" seemed to have
come to an end on April 12, 2003.
TIMELINE
I "happened" to be in Tel-Aviv,
when Tomer was born there on Nov.
8, 1994.
In 1996 the family,
Immanuel, Ruth, Elah, Alon and Tomer moved to the
Galilee.
I came often from the Red Sea (Sinai,
later Eilat)
to visit or replace the parents.
In 1998 the couple separated
and the mother with the 3 kids moved to
new Modi'in.
In 1999 Immanuel took
a flat in another new town, Shoham, 20 min. drive
to the kids.
I lived with him (after the eviction from Ein-Gedi),
from Oct 31, 1999 till March
13, 2000,
and again (after my 100-day-SaltSea-experiment),
from June 30, 2000 till Nov.
4, 2000,
welcomed by Efrat, my son's partner, who in the meantime
had moved into that flat too.
On Daddy-days, twice a week and every second weekend,
Tomer and I became closer.
But though Tomer's home was only 5 minutes away, I
saw my grandson much less,
mainly when I had to replace Ronnit and fetch her
kids from the Democratic School.
I remember the pain, when - on his birthday - I walked
all the long way to the school,
to bring Tomer a gift, but he wasn't there, because
his mother hadn't sent him that day.
In May 2001, Immanuel
and Efrat felt the need to move away, back to the
Galilee.
It was then, that my son suggested,
that I take a furnished flat, where he could receive
his kids on Daddy's days
and on those weekends, when he could not take the
kids to his Galilee home,
like when Elah, a busy dancer, had a rehearsal or
a performance in Modi'in.
In my sculptures
on this site between Oct.3 and Nov.11, 2001
I shared the anger and pain, and how I coped and grew
in Oct. 2001 pp22 --pp35--pp19b--pp33[see excerpts from
all these tomorrow]
Watching Healing-K.I.S.S. I discern
3 graphical prophecies towards Tomer's Coming to me:
(1)
The Logo of HEALING-KISS through all the Introductory
Pages and all the Puzzle
Pieces
is based on four drawings of Tomer around what was his
favorite theme at the age of four.
(2)
The background I chose for the page Contact,
shows Tomer and me on our Titorah-Hill!!!
(3)
The animation which I chose to demonstrate my relationship
with the "Actors of
my Life"
is showing an often repeated acrobatic interaction
between Tomer
and Grandma.
The two photos were taken
in Dec. 2001 by T's father, after Tomer's 7th birthday.
In May 2002 I asked him to combine the photos into movement.
THE BEGINNINGS
The deeper I go into Tomer's history, the clearer I see, how this soul has written the script for his
life's movie.
.....
I am awfully sorry, that T.'s mother felt overriden
by me.
There was neither blame nor shame in what I analyzed,
but sheer awe for the way Tomer conditioned himself,
in order to experience, what he decided to experience.
But I did, indeed, remove what was so badly received.
It was a precarious situation, on November 7, 1994,
which would have been my father's 73th birthday,
in which I stood - not in
my desert - but on a roof,
leaning against the reel and overlooking Tel-Aviv.
"Elah" & "Alon" are the names of trees
[Isaiah
6:13], I thought.
Is there a third tree in the Bible , which would fit as a
name?
It's when the name "Tomer" jumped
into my mind and heart.
And so it came to be, that the next day "Tomer"
was born. "Tomer" is a version
of "tamar",
the date palm,
and Deborah, the female prophet sat under it. [Judges
4:4-5] I interrupted my sculpting,
ran up my
Hill, and photographed the 3 not very impressive palmtrees
I've discovered there , from
many different points of view.
This panorama shows the tree on that ancient Maccabean hill
in a significant context:
the remnants of a crusader castle to the left, young Modi'in
to the right, and the Palestinian and Jerusalem mountains
in the background
Once I explained Tomer why I prefer to write
his name as it is written in the Bible
[just as "Rotem" without the consonant "waw",
which is used for "o", when needed].
But he, who likes the mystical game with the Hebrew alef-beth
called Gimatria,
said: "But if you write it with the "o"(which avoids reading the name
as "Tamar"), it is
SEVEN!"
Though my desert was 3-4 hours away, and
my creation there had been a job around the clock,
I had never let two weeks pass without seeing at least part
of my children and grandchildren.
Still, I was not close to them as I am now.
But shortly before Tomer's birth in Nov. 1994, I had done
my first "lekh-lekhâ"
from the Succah,
and - following Gadi's
SOS regarding the Succah's financial situation - moved to
Tel-Aviv altogether.
From January to April I lived with Tomer's family in a flat
opposite Gadi's family, in Shenkin-Street,
with a computer in Gadi's studio, from where I tried to give
my Desert Vision a solid financial base.
My intense efforts concerning this goal resulted in failure
and exhaustion,
but from the present perspective I see that the time was blessed
after all:
I was physically close to Tomer, when he set out for his life's
journey.
Tomer was not yet 8 months old, when he started to walk -
in my presence.
From then on he was in constant danger, and everything around
him as well.
This triptych of sweet
little Tomer in the Galilee
shows only one side of the coin.
Whenever I visited
or replaced the parents for some days,
I had little patience or sympathy for this uncontrollable
kid.
No cupboard was too
high to be climbed for a sweet,
no vessel or instrument too precious to be broken
Of course, I was his
partner in acrobatics already then,
but the rest of my memories of those Galilee years
are gone.
There was no relationship between us then.
A relationship started, when I moved in with his father.
I chose to have my mattress in the boys' room next
to theirs.
This allowed for cushion battles and wild games between
us.
Not less wild and
exhausting for me was the dancing,
his creative movements, while hanging on my hands.
In
puzzle piece 8 - Understanding and Choosing Experience,
Nov. 2001 I told the bad-good story about
Tomer, the Breaker.
Now there is a completion to it:
One day during these last months he said out of the
blue: "I would like to receive
a gift from you,
a little animal made of wood!" Surprised I stared at him:"What?" And he added gently, like "The
Little Prince",
when he begged the pilot to draw a sheep: "Yes ~~~ you know ~~~ like
that elefant!" I got it! "Is it, that you still regret
having broken my little elefant,
which I gave you as a present for your sixth birthday?
And receiving another little wooden sculpture like this
would be a sign, that that breaking is truly forgiven?" "Yes!"he said with great relief,"that is what I mean." And I gave him my little colored
wooden bird,
a gift from Gabriela and her colleagues from India, when
they spent time with me at Ein-Gedi in 1999.
I also was the one, who was always
ready
to race with him on his roller-plates in Shoham.
From that time I remember an incident,
which I had a hard time to forgive Tomer:
He sat on the ground and refused
to move. "I can't walk, carry me."
Though even now I am able to carry him on my back,
I didn't want to do it then,
probably because he was breaking some promise
given during an earlier warning.
In the end I pretended to walk away without him.
I watched - hiding -, but suddenly he was gone.
I searched everywhere, truly in panic.
Finally he came out of a street on the hand of a girl. "Are you responsible for
him?" she said angrily. "You deserted him and I
let him call his mother!"
Why his mother?
He was with Daddy and knew his number very well.
It was a vicious way of punishing both me and Daddy.
The consequences did not tarry to follow:
The irresponsible grandmother was forbidden to....
I attracted this blame of being
irresponsible,
even when Tomer didn't sell me off.
Once he begged me for my miniscule ancient penknife.
How could anyone cut himself with this? Tomer could!
I was "reported" by his sister.
This
strenuous
dancing
in Shoham
continued
in Modi'in,
as here,
in Febr.2002
and
up to
our last day
in April 2003
Tomer
is my partner in so many things,
also in our love for creating in Nature.
Before my bicycle was stolen-
which happened at one of these trips,
we drove to another ancient site,
on the western outskirts of Modi'in.
It's where we found this carob tree.
and a heap of "modern" trash under it.
Tomer wanted to build his own house,
and I assisted him with enthusiasm.
He was so happy and proud,
that he insisted to bring Daddy here,
who luckily took these photos (Febr. 2002, before I
had my own camera).
But we also walked a lot by foot,
and one time Tomer refused to move.
The circumstances are more complex,
but the point is , that I walked away.
I saw him plodding back, sobbing.
Parallel to him in the wadi, but hidden,
I trudged above the crest of the hills.
When I let myself be discovered,
he showed me that he hated me.
I joined him and we began to heal it.
But neither of us forgets the 2 events.
There was another situation, in which I seemingly
"deserted" Tomer.
I now look at it from the perspective of that critical day
[2003_04_04], when I not seemingly, but actually
deserted
him in the swimming-pool.
This became obvious, when he reminded me
that "I did it again".
It's only through my consistent work in this "Driving
Backward",
that separate events coalesce into a coherent path of evolution.
The situation, this time, was also that triggering swimming
pool.
He now was 8 years old, not 6 as when he built his carob house.
And I could dare to let him experience being deserted - literally.
The trigger was his reckless lingering in the men's shower-room.
Whatever agreement I made with him, so as not to have to wait,
he let me wait, even after having been warned, that I would
go.
So one day I did just that, I left and walked up to our picnic
tree.
Of course, I was hysterical with fear.
But he did arrive!
Though the security guard at the exit of the pool
had, by mistake, indicated a different direction to him,
and though by that time there was not yet a clear path to
the tree,
Tomer found me!
I can't understand, why talking
with you daily, should be too difficult for me.
I feel so disappointed and wounded, when Tomer doesn't keep
agreements,
but I myself - do I keep the agreements I make with myself?
.....
The point now is,
what should I do with Tomer - right now in half an hour?
"Your idea is essentially
right:
Go to the school, meet him in his classroom or outside, if
he shouldn't be there, without the equipment for the pool and the following
picnic on the
Titorah hill.
Tell him, that from now on you will be available
to help him with his homework for 15 minutes as before,
but only here in the classroom and only right after school,
so you wouldn't have to be afraid of the nightmare,
that hits you when you come back from the Titorah
and need to keep the agreement of engaging in 15 minutes homework.
Aren't you just sculpting,
what I figured out in these last three days?
"I've been with
you in figuring this out.
But let me go on expressing your overall plan:
"Since
he'll say that today, Sunday, there is no home-work,
or that the homework left from Friday needs equipment he hasn't
got with him,
you'll remind him, that on days without homework you do "life-lessons".
And the lesson today is about how to get along with each other,
since obviously the method of making agreements doesn't work.
In the midst of your emotional upheaval on Thursday you said
to him: "But what should I do with you,
Tomer, if agreements don't work!?" And he blurted:"Don't
do anything with me." Tell him, that you want to understand
this response.
And that therefore you won't go to the pool etc., as usual,
nor insist on any other agreement,
but that he would have all the space to become aware of what
he really wants to do
and of trying to win you over to what he thinks best."
I'm so afraid, that what little routine I've
created with Tomer,
will go down the drain,
and he'll misuse this break in the routine
and feel legitimate to break every agreement we make.
"Your
judgment is, that you cannot handle such situations.
"Right now you looked up our first channeling
[pp28, Maryam, 2002_01_06].
Actions pool: twice
garden
K.i.s.s.-Log
TV [about
'time-slow-down']
Interactions
[ph=phone; e=e-mail; sk=skype] ph:Dental Clinic: only on Oct. 22, 15;30 e: to Immanuel ph-Immanuel-does not agree to "Neve-Eitan"
ph-Efrat; info ~~~ph-Efrat: Go to Neve-Eitan!
ph to Paz: welcome! even if I'll give birth!
