The Purpose  of   HEALING - K.I.S.S.

- as stated 12 years ago - was and is

  to help me and my potential P E E R s 

"to HEAL ourselves into WHOLEness,

and - by extension - all of CREATion!"
Intro to Healing-K.i.s.s. 2001-2013
and Overview of its main libraries

[If you look for a word on this page,
click ctrl/F and put a word in "find"]


I focus my experiencing and awareness on being
"a   pioneer of  Evolution  in  learning  to  feel":
I let my Body vibrate and my Heart 'womb'
pain, shame, fear, boredom, powerlessness,
so feelings can >heal >guide>fulfill>evolve,
and ~~~ offer ~~~"goldmines"~~~ to us all!!
"I want you to feel everything, every little thing!"

 

COMMUNICATIONS WITH     DEITY

2003_02_16; last update: 2003_05_19; re-read on Yom Kippur, Oct. 9, 2008

Mother,

I can't understand, why talking with you daily, should be too difficult for me.
I feel so disappointed and wounded, when Tomer doesn't keep agreements,
but I myself - do I keep the agreements I make with myself?
One of them was a year ago 2002/01/06,
I had decided that I would talk to you daily.
Then I said, once a week, then once a month.

When I didn't stick to this agreement either,
I thought I had found rescue in the digital recorder,
which Immanuel gave me to record the sessions of the psychologist and Tomer.
I talked to you several times, even listened later at least once, and that was IT.

 


St. Anna,
Grandmother of Jesus
by Leonardo da Vinci

This is one of my favorite paintings.
She knows, sees her daughter's destiny.
She feels the pain of her daughter,
but she can do nothing about it.

The point now is,
what should I do with Tomer - right now in half an hour?

"Your idea is essentially right:
Go to the school, meet him in his classroom or outside, if he shouldn't be there,
without  the equipment for the pool and the following picnic on the Titorah hill.
Tell him, that from now on you will be available
to help him with his homework for 15 minutes as before,
but only here in the classroom and only right after school,
so you wouldn't have to be afraid of the nightmare,
that hits you when you come back from the Titorah
and need to keep the agreement of engaging in 15 minutes homework.

Aren't you just sculpting, what I figured out in these last three days?

"I've been with you in figuring this out.
But let me go on expressing your overall plan:

"Since he'll say that today, Sunday, there is no home-work,
or that the homework left from Friday needs equipment he hasn't got with him,
you'll remind him, that on days without homework you do "life-lessons".
And the lesson today is about how to get along with each other,
since obviously the method of making agreements doesn't work.
In the midst of your emotional upheaval on Thursday you said to him:
"But what should I do with you, Tomer, if agreements don't work!?"
And he blurted: "Don't do anything with me."
Tell him, that you want to understand this response.
And that therefore you won't go to the pool etc., as usual,
nor insist on any other agreement,
but that he would have all the space to become aware of what he really wants to do
and of trying to win you over to what he thinks best."

I'm so afraid, that what little routine I've created with Tomer,
will go down the drain,
and he'll misuse this break in the routine
and feel legitimate to break every agreement we make.

"Your judgment is, that you cannot handle such situations.

"Right now you looked up our first channeling [pp28, Maryam, 2002_01_06].

" You were stunned, that it started with the picture of St. Anna,
the grandmother of Jesus,
as if predicting your present grandmotherhood with Tomer.

"You were also amazed, that we said there,
that avoiding triggering situations is ok with people on whom you are not dependent.
But you created this challenging situation with Tomer and his family,
because you knew that you needed to let yourself be triggered.

" Agreements exist in order to avoid triggers.
That's fine.

"But when you experience,
that the method of making agreements with Tomer does not work,
and only produces guilt feelings in both of you,
you may want to watch, wait and wonder,
until a better way opens up by itself."

I'll try. So what will happen now,
when I expose myself to Tomer's "not taking responsibility"?


Tomer enjoys taking my camera and "shoot" a closeup of my face.
Most results are even more"revealing" than this ghastly one~~~


"You have to go now and just let it happen
and stay in contact with me all the while.

" Go there empty handed
Trust, that Tomer will help you.
And if not, trust, that you'll feel what you feel.

" Not the solution is what you want at this stage of your life,

but feeling without judging,

feeling without analyzing or even changing anything.

Just move your feelings and judgments,
that you must be right in what you do,
in order to have a right to exist.

Move and accept, that you are neither right nor righteous!

Move and accept that you don't have solutions for every problem!

Yes ~~~ move and accept, that you do fail more than you succeed."

 

In the evening of the same day

Dear distant Mother.

Did I fail? Let me share with you, what happened.
I hurried to the school, entered the empty classroom.
His bag was the only one left there,
though we have an agreement,
that he takes it with him to where he has his lesson in sports.

I moved it to a table in front of the blackboard
to make him aware, that today things would be different..
He entered, - a short glance, no "hello",
he discovered his bag, closed it, shouldered it, went to the door,
saw, that I was not following him and said:
"Are we going?"
I shook my head in silence,
An angry look: "If this is your decision", and out he was.
He did not even ask: "why".

And this after we have followed the routine for 11 weeks:
I'm there,
when the music starts to announce the end of school.
If the teacher has no complaints, we start to walk to the pool,
15 minutes, sometimes in silence, sometimes in angry disputes,
sometimes in sweet intimacy.

Tomer and his heart under Arnon's "Love-Flag" heart.
Photos taken by one of his cousins, my other grandkids,
one on 2003_01_01 and the other on 2003_01_11

And also: two days ago, shortly before the beginning of Shabbat,
I had given him a break in our "game" of challenging and coping:
I called him at his mother's: "Since you like to walk in the rain -
shall we go to "Aladin" and buy us "Laffas" (big unleavened breads)?"
("Aladin" is an oriental restaurant in a huge tent amidst an olive grove close by)
He said:
"No, I don't want to", but after 20 min. he changed his mind.
The walk to and fro and the warm hospitality that received us there
- the owner recognized me from "a deep talk" in the Succah in 1991 -
all the attention he got - was supposed to take away the guilt,
and make him relate to the big clash the day before as to a challenge.
Before we parted, I said: "But remember, Tomer,
we'll still have to cope on Sunday with what happened ."
I said it, but this doesn't mean that he got it, or even listened.

I waited in the classroom.
With little hope, that his pride would allow him to come back.
I stayed nonetheless.
A new wrestling had begun.
I must not prevail, but neither must I let Tomer prevail.

I used the time in the empty classroom to write on the blackboard,
how I had planned to let him have the space to change our routine.
Kids entered and left, some said, that Tomer was playing outside.
When the music rang again, the school became empty.

I still stayed on. I wasn't angry, but neither did I want to give up.
After 15 minutes the guard came and said he had to lock the room.
I went to the secretary of the school and told her.
It was her initiative to call Tomer's home.
As expected, he had gone home with his brother.
The secretary ordered Tomer to come back to school.
I knew, he wouldn't obey.

I wandered around in the yard: had I done something wrong again?
But remembering what you said, Mother,
remembering also the channelings a year ago, which I read today,

I felt I was free from wanting to succeed,
free from wanting to be rightous in my own eyes,
free from wanting to be right in the eyes of mother, father, teachers
or whoever thinks s/he understands and can judge or give advice.


The teachers of Tomer's former noon-school questioned me.
They were sitting in the yard minding the noon-school kids.
They voiced, that I was too involved emotionally etc. etc.

I told them, and repeated it,
when I was called to the headmistress:
"I can let go of any idea about how to cope with Tomer,
except one:
I've told him over and over, that we are equals.
I'm not a policewoman, mother or teacher whom he has to obey.

"My one condition for any relationship with any human being is this:
we are equals,
we look eye to eye,
we face each other,
we cope with each other,
we work it out,
we are partners,
we are allies.
This is my condition for my relationship with Tomer.

"When we do the "combat-in-the-water" game in the pool,
what he likes to call: "the war of liberation",
he is my equal in physical strength.
I am a woman stronger than others, certainly than women "my age".
But I have a hard time, not to let me be hurt by him, not to be drowned
and still to challenge him as strongly as he yearns for.

"It's the same in our life and relationship:
He is capable of facing me. He is my ally."

"Yes, he truly is that.
And don't let anyone tell you,
you should "not expect so much from him".
If it really should be too much for this stage in his life, you'll separate,
as did Abraham and Lot [Genesis 13] in his Bible homework 5 days ago,
about which you had such a long, hellish fight.
But don't make yourself smaller, as you have done so often in your life,
so as to not let the other feel your greatness.
For once, BE great.
If Tomer is the "someone" [i.e. a part of you] who wrestles with Ya'acov,
become Ya'acov, who wrestles with the someone
and is finally embraced.
You are the one person, to whom Tomer can measure up
in order to learn about the potential and limits of his strength.
Your are his match, and he is YOUR match."

Rembrandt's interpretation of
Ya'aqov's wrestling with the "someone"
Are you sure, I am not overdoing it?
You saw, what happened then:
It was 3.45 PM, i.e. 3 hours after classes had ended for Tomer,
that I finally left school.
At home I found an urgent message from Tomer's mother.
She had been at my home,
was angry that I hadn't taken my mobile phone with me,
and said, that she had demanded from Tomer
to go back to grandma after his "Capoeira" class at 6 PM.
[about "Capoeira" see end of page]

He came indeed, looked at me defiantly,
when I opened the door to his knocking.
I looked at him without a word, not angry, not smiling.
I sat down.
He stood and didn't move,
then he started playing with a kind of a little ball,
neither looking at me nor breaking the silence.
After ten minutes I got up and fetched some stitching work,
in order to lessen the tension, but still making myself available.
He went to the door, gave me a hesitant look, and left.

His mother came from the psychologist to return the recorder.
She knew, he had left. He had told her, that we had talked.
I said:
"I didn't think it proper
to be the one who should open the dialog.
After all it was him, who had walked out on me.
I told you, I treat him as equal.
There is no need to interfere.
It is between him and me."

Tomorrow he is supposed to be with me from 12.45
until the next morning.
What shall I do? I am afraid.

But if and before you answer, let me put another question:
Is there any connection between my story with Tomer
and my new outrageous problems with the authorities?
.....
I won't describe events, circumstances and feelings here,
just tell me why do I attract such blows ?
Chagall's interpretation of
Ya'aqov's wrestling with the "someone"

"There is only one common denominator,
but this is the point of everything that is hitting you:
To throw you into uncontrollable turmoil of feelings,
so you would learn, what you asked me to help you learn:
to not change, judge, justify anything you feel and experience,
but to learn one thing and one thing only:

to feel and to accept what you feel

while moving , breathing, sounding

with all your heart and all your body.


"I let you rest for hours, not for days.
It's up to you to recognize these hours
and use them wisely for resting,
just being, not doing,
neither coping with Tomer etc.,
nor creating on your website.


" And now, do just this: go and have a relaxed evening.
Act according to the silly slogan: don't worry, be happy.
You can do it,
since you become better and better
in letting go of all secondary goals and worries,
and stick to the one aim you have committed yourself to:

to feel and accept and move, what you feel.

Be loved!

 

2003_02_23: last update: 2003_05_18

Result:

The next day I came again without the equipment,
needed to carry out our former routine of pool,
picnic on the Titorah hill under our Dommim tree ,
before walking joyously on my path to my home,
and facing the ordeal of 15 minutes homework.

This time he knew, he was prepared, he had matured.
He said with excitement in his voice:

"So it's me now who'll make the agreement?"

"You'll not make it, but suggest it.
And if you can win me over, we'll make the agreement.
Just choose where you want to think and communicate."


He thought a little and said: "While walking."
After 10 minutes he made me sit on a bench
and outlined a proposal, which made sense.
It has been working rather well since then.
Maybe, I'll have time to tell it,
after more experience will have shown,
to what extent my strategy really works:
a) I let him be the boss and win me over to his weekly and daily program
b) I keep reminding him that he has to inform me, his partner and ally,
of any impulsive change and, if I don't agree - to work it out with me.

Tomer and Rotem train Capoeira in my flat,
photos taken by Tomer's father 2002_12_07,
at the beginning of "Grandma's Noon-School"

 

2003_05_18

After 2 weeks and an enormous clash - I don't remember about what,
he asked to go back to the former agreement about the former routine.
He believed, that it was better and that we would make it work better.
Which turned out to be true, but mainly due to one single modification:
We would do his homework right after school.


Also on 2003_05_18-19

When I rediscovered this communication with Deity,
while doing my work on the experience with Tomer,
I wanted to put a link to "his Capoeira-Class at 6 o'clock".
When I couldn't find an English website, since I spelt it wrongly,
I decided to go to the end of the page and make a note.

How fitting that the page ends with Ya'aqov's wrestling.
For that is exactly what Capoeira is,
an art that integrates wrestling and dancing,
developed by Brazilian African slaves,
and now extremely popular in Israel.

Spelling "Capuera" instead of Capoeira,
I found only French and German websites
but in this way I discovered a very moving article in English
about an Ethiopian ! victimized, runaway girl, named Rachel,
and the Open House, Open Heart of a woman called Miriam!
in a site which is interesting in itself: Israel Magazine on-line
Bet Ashanti - the Ashanti House.
With Yael and Ayelet
(upper right)
I accompanied Tomer (in front)
to his first Capoeira Class,
2002_09_18,

When I was being prepared for becoming Tomer's "foster grandma",
I, Rachel-Maryam, had a crazy fantasy of adopting 2 Ethiopian kids.
But there were more coincidences to follow:

After I had inserted the photos showing Tomer and Rotem practising,
and completed my sculpting of what I wanted to share about Capoeira,
I suddenly got invited by Rotem to her Capoeira graduation ceremony.

While waiting for the event to start, another mother told my daughter:
"You know I am a story teller by profession.
Today I trained a large group of Ethiopian "endangered" youngsters,
how to tell stories to kids, as a part of their rehabilitation program."
b     

There, in the evening, I could see on all the white shirts,
how Capoeira is spelt, which helped me find a site, I liked:
http://www.capoeira.htmlplanet.com/capoeira_whatis.htm
If Tomer would have stayed on, he would now be here too.

Capoeira in the Bet Ashanti is part of the rehabilitation program.
Here in Modi'in there are just afternoon classes for kids.
A class was opened in the building of "Ofeq" (!) in 2001.
I wished, that Tomer would join it - but he was too small



"You'll be a teacher for the world
of how important Body is,"

I heard myself saying to him already in Shoham.
Now, in September 2002 he was big enough,
and his father had the money to pay for it.



I hoped this would be the one realm,
where he would always be satisfied.

But he wasn't.
How often did he try to skip the class.
I couldn't find out,
if it was, because he simply hates any routine,
or because he was bored with too many kids taking part,
  or because he had been rebuked too often by the teacher.
 

So he wasn't unhappy, that he had to leave the art after 7 months.
The intriguing thing is, that Capoeira doesn't leave grandma.
And after closely observing it yesterday, I know why.
Since my understanding is tied to the event of Rotem's graduation,
I'll finally create a page about her and answer the question there.

Since "Capoeira" is a way of healing
I'm using this space to express my appreciation and joy
to Miriam Klein and her partner in the Ashanti House,
for working in the spirit of 'ha-meqayem nefesh akhat':
"Whoever keeps alive one soul,
is as if s/he keeps alive a whole world."


Though I am sidetracking from the purpose of this page,
I want to "drive backward" a bit.
I met Miriam, when we, together with 2 other dreamers,
were invited to a Teacher-Pupils-Parents gathering,
in Israel's first Democratic School, Hadera, May 1995,
in order to share
"HOW I REALIZED MY DREAM"

 

Tomer loved especially this
exercise
called
"Osimao".

Nov. 2002
my photo

and
three days before flying to the USA

April 2003,
photo by
his father,
when they visited Tamir,
my "peer",
who now lives in my mobile
home
close
to the
Medi-
terrenean

 

 

Sidetracking even more:

This sharing of dreams and their realization was meaningful for me -

First because I owe it to Jacob Hecht, the dreamer of "Democratic Schools",
that - against all governmental sanctions - we have such a school in Modi'in,
to the benefit of my grandchildren Jonathan and Rotem, Yael and Itamar,
to the benefit also of Tomer and Alon, until their mother moved them out.

Second because of the shattering of my dream which started the next day.

 

I'm completing this page
with a series
I called
"Closeness".
I sent it to my son,
Tomer's and Alon's father
after one of the first
"Daddy's Days",
on which I started
to replace him.

Modi'in, Mai 2002



More about my wrestling with Tomer