Intro to Healing-K.i.s.s. 2001-2013
and Overview of its main libraries

[If you look for a word on this page,
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I focus my experiencing and awareness on being
"a   pioneer of  Evolution  in  learning  to  feel":
I let my Body vibrate and my Heart 'womb'
pain, shame, fear, boredom, powerlessness,
so feelings can >heal >guide>fulfill>evolve,
and ~~~ offer ~~~"goldmines"~~~ to us all!!
"I want you to feel everything, every little thing!"

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How
Learn
And

Heal
Conditions
In

Myself
For
Creating

Into
Heaven
Those

Whole
On
Conditions

Self-acceptance
Earth
Daily

From puzzle piece 5, Trapped Will
Here Tomer appears only as the photographer of Paz,
but I now give attention to the context, in which Tomer and Paz met!

Maryam, 2002_06_11-14

Another lengthy discharge of shame and fear,
and of judgments against ambivalent feelings
brought not only listening and verbal comfort
on the part of the Mother,
but a striking sequence of healing experiences.

Within a week appeared three old friends,
[Meirav, Tamir, Paz]
all of them about 30 years old,
all of them beautiful, inside and outside.
..................................

A day after my dialog with the Mother Tamir called.
Tamir inherited my mobile home in November 1999.
I told part of my story with this potential partner in "The Tragic Partneror"
2 months ago we wanted to go together to our Salt Sea.
But Tamir blew some details of the appointment,
which is always a sign, that it's not right time.
Now he only called to assure me of his love.
But without any conscious planning on our part,
it turned out, that this call was preparing a meeting:

The next day I suddenly had an intuition,
that the 2 big folders of my "HOLOGRAM",
an illustrated diary, typed on my electrical typewriter in 1984,
could still be somewhere in Tamir's bus.
I was right, and we agreed, that he would come.
This was 4 days after my experience with Merav.
A little later he called once more:
"I know that you don't want to meet new people.
But I so much want you to get to know Tamar!
You might help me understand my metaphysical connection with her."
[Tamir believes he is gay]

So after the kids [Alon and Tomer] had left
[I'm replacing Daddy on Daddy's Tuesday]
I opened the door to two beings of radiant beauty,
Tamar and Tamir.
..........................

Though the sharing of our thinking and experience was fascinating,
after an hour the first signs of tiredness sent their dangerous arrows.
Something pushed me to urge them to go over to the computer mic.
"I want to record you both for my website."
"How do you know I can sing?" asked Tamar,
and both were surprised to be exposed to Healing-K.i.s.s.

The singing, recording and processing became
an exhilarating experience of co-creation.
Gone was my tiredness.
No part of my Will felt trapped any longer.
The interaction also manifested qualities,
we had not known about ourselves or about each other.
"I didn't know, you are so full of laughter"
said Tamir to Tamar, for instance.
"You are always so serious".

But I did not want to get carried away.
So I asked them to agree on a time-limit
and shared with them my predicament.
I explained, that my strange reaction might be the result
of having trapped my Will so badly for almost 60 years.
They radiated great love and understanding
and we parted with a bright future in our eyes.

But even this was not yet the answer to my problem.
That's why the Mother brought a third visitor to me.

The very next day Paz called me:
"Can I come? I need your support."
'Support' is RC's term for 'listening without judging',
for facilitating awareness and movement of feelings,
which she learnt to understand, accept and practise,
when Tamir and I lived in her space at the Salt Sea.
[see the passage in the right frame]

This time I had the guts to communicate my problem:
"Paz, you are welcome tomorrow, but -
and watch if this is triggering you -
for not longer than an hour."
"Are you so busy?"
"It's not that I'm so busy.
I have a problem and I'll explain it, when you come.
What time will you come?"
"What! Do I have to tell you exactly when?"
"Yes, you definitely have to do that!"
I was a bit triggered. ["Have I made myself too available?]"
But what was more dominant, was my fear of hurting her.

When she came, she said, yes that at first she felt hurt,
but quite soon she was sure, that this had nothing to do with her.
Tomer made this photo, while we were having lunch together.
Then we started to work on what she had come for,
and when I felt, that my task was done,
I asked her, if she too could support me.

In the warm bath of Paz's love and caring
I could finally cry.
And with the tears came the understanding.
The understanding,
that my Will produces this "tiredness" in the company of people
as an antidote
to my overflooding, often overbearing ability
to identify with people's pain
and to consequently rush towards "helping" them.
In the past this was an unlivable pattern.
To define it as "Helper's Syndrom" would be an understatement.

It prevented people from growing,
it not only trapped my Will and my Body
but almost murdered them,
and it attracted countless blows.

When Paz saw me grasping this insight about the antidote
and - as a result - releasing all the judgments against myself
she had tears in her eyes, hugged me and said:
"I love you so much.
Thank you for not hiding your need from me."
We parted in wholeness.

It seems quite simple now,
not to trap my Will in this respect:
I understand and accept my need
the antidote to my "identificability"
and I shall always share my need
to limit our togetherness.

There was a test to this intent some days later.
Sami called me - not for the first time - if he could visit me,
..............................

 

On the day of my decision to freeze the relationship
with my 3 friends, Paz, Yuval-David and Tamir,
I inserted images of the unique wedding at the Dead Sea.
Here are some more pictures.







As to the beginning of our "Foursome",
see a passage in "Water-Vision - Ein-Gedi"
....
During those two days Yuval - "by chance" - called Tamir,
learnt about the eviction
and won over his partners in the management of the "Ein-Gedi-Fieldschool"
to give us refuge for a time.

During the 7 months to follow we experienced both
exhilarating growth and maddening turmoil.
In time we became Nine, called "the circle",
seven "grownups" and two girls, sisters,
one age 11 and one age 14.

[Sept. 25, 2008: the younger one, Lior Oren, now 20 years old,
so much wanted to join me on our travel to Neve Eitan tomorrow,
but exactly on this weekend the army won't grant her leave!]

Yuval, his partner Paz, and Tamir were closest to me.
Terrible triggering occurred between Yuval-Rachel and Rachel-Tamir,
while Paz (which means "gold")
- after the removal of a Cain projection
("You don't appreciate me!")
has been radiating pure love ever since..
In her case, the misused term "unconditional love",
is appropriate!!!

After 7 months we all had to part geographically,
since I, together with my bus, were evicted again.
Our more-than-individual bond
was sometimes active, sometimes dormant, and now - we suddenly met.
....
[about Paz, Yuval-David, Tamir and Lior Oren,
see also "Noah's Shore Dreamers" 2003]

Tamir admires the bride's ring

from puzzle piece 22 Perception and Projection, Oct.1, 2001

Maryam, 2001_10_01

What a date -1-1-1-
May it help me now.

I wish to dig deeply
into one  projection:

'I disturb, I derange
 by  my  very being.
 I  should  not  exist'

Maryam, 2001_10_05; last update; 2003_05_04

I had set out towards this goal,
in order to do my healing work
following a weekend of triggers [see right frame : pp 35],
and their explosion towards Tomer.

What I had wanted to do
and failed to accomplish
was, to pull out two people from their bad mood,
Efrat, my daughter-in-love,
and Alon, my grandson (10).

Instead, I "accomplished',
what I never wanted to :
Frustrated with E. and triggered by her behavior towards T.
I took it out on T. and screamed: You might just as well die!
The worst: this "happened" in the moment of their departure.
..............

 

from puzzle piece 19b Body's Death, Oct. 2, 2001

....

While dancing a vigorous Samaa'  for 60 seconds,
 the chimes on my veranda rang just as vigorously.

It was Tomer (6), who had given me the chimes lately.
Damaged and lacking chimes: two instead of four.

It was Tomer, who was damaged by yesterday's rage.[see right frame: pp 35]
"Why do you cry?"
"Because you want me to die!"

He was already in the car, with Efrat at the wheel:
'Tomer, grandma meant you might die of desiccation!'
I too pleaded with him, from outside the window:
"I'm so sorry! I take back what I said in my fury!"

The car drove off . I was left with guilt and fear.
T. could not wait until the car reached his father.

 

He took the cell-phone and sent a sobbing report
about grandma  wanting him to die,
because he hadn't finished his plate.

T. lives in a terror-stricken country,
and death is vivid in T's imagination.

The day before we went for a walk.
T. feared death lurking everywhere.

When his father had to chase after his sulky son,
T. & I heard people shouting from that direction.
In a frency of fears, tears, blame for his brother:
"I know - I should have run with dad.
I should have stayed to die with dad!
Oh dad, dad, come back to me, dad!"

After a happy reunion with his dad, I was glad,
that Alon, I. and I had created this trigger for T.,
so he could move some of his terror of death.

from puzzle piece 33: Greatness and Grandeur , Oct. 4, 2001

Maryam, 2001_10_04; last update: 2003_05_04

 Today I realized a strange application for this:
Letting my greatness shine, means right now
 to allow myself acceptance of my outbreak,
even if my son is projecting:
"People will shun you,
if you don't control outbreaks like the one with T.!
Something is lacking in your theory about feelings!
you better discover what, for you are our model! "

 

Fear says:
If even my son and partner judges and blames me
not only for exploding,
but - since he knows the reasons for explosions -
for feeling so much pain,
what can I expect from other people?

.....

He keeps claiming, that I suffer too much,
that I feel too much
that there is no healthy balance between feeling pain
and putting up defenses against.

My greatness :

If I can allow myself to risk everyone's love by an outbreak,
so can others.
If I can show how I handle the consequences of an outbreak,
so can others

from puzzle piece 35 Following Will's and Body's Lead, Oct. 5, 2001
...

"There are many layers to the healing work
and each layer must be moved through completely
before it is safe to go on to the next.
Trying to do too much too soon
has been the major cause of reversals,
and patience of Spirit
is the true virtue here."
[From: Beware of Reversals ]

I know that I did just that:
Trying to do too much too soon,
not waiting until asked.

Though I perceive myself to be a piece of Heart,
this male forcefulness:
trying to do, to love, to help - too much too soon
is Spirit energy not yet balanced by Will energy.

Exhaustion by too many triggers led to
my desastrous outbreak the next day.

Efrat. had served food to the two boys.
Tomer as usual left his plate half-full
and jumped around somewhere.
I heard E. begging him to come back to his plate.
T. went on jumping: "But I want more ketchup."

Efrat's chasing after T and T's impertinence did it for me:
I yelled at E, while my eyes sent ligthening bolts toward T
"You judge Mi/Ra that they let their children override them,
but what is it that you are doing now?

"Either you agree with me, as you say
that kids should have a choice,
if, when, what, and how much they eat,
but once they sit with their chosen food,
you don't waste energy on begging them.
If they stop eating, if they leave the table,
that's it, no more food until the next meal.
Or you don't agree, that's ok. Just tell me.
For then I am free to leave the situation."

T jumped screaming and crying,
and E. admitted that I was right.
But the worst was yet to come.

Not more than 5 minutes later
I again saw E. chasing after T,
this time with a glass of water,
which she believed he needed
before going on a 3 hours drive.

This overflooded all my controls.
"Leave him alone!
Let him die of desiccation,
if that's what he wants!"

See what happened, in pp19b.

They had gone and I wrote an e-mail to I.
First in order to move my pain and regret,
second to apologize and counter T.'s story.

His response was unusually full of blame.
My pressuring of E. to share her distress;
my uncontrolled outbreak towards his son.
So far I could listen to his own movement.

What I could not and never shall accept,
was his demand, accompanied by threat,
that I check my 'belief in lack of control'
if I cared for having  a good relationship
with my grand/children  or  anyone else.

I care for an ever blossoming relationship.
I also know, that some control still is vital.
But I believe, that if control breaks down,
there is a way to accept and transform it.

With the exchange of these discharge e-mails
things quickly returned to normal with my son.
Not so with my now seven year old grandson.

After a week I asked I. to mediate.
To no avail. No forgiveness from T.

First I felt hurt, bitter, even disgusted.
I saw the child enjoying torturing me.

Later I understood , that this was a test.
Had I learnt not to knock, unless asked?
No. I had failed again.

Then finally understanding fell into place.
The constant lesson of grandmotherhood,
wasn't it the same as the E-Al-T lesson?

I relinquished control of the process-.
It was then that Tomer came back to me.