I focus my experiencing and awareness on being
"a pioneer of Evolution in
learning to feel":
I let my Body vibrate and my Heart 'womb'
pain, shame, fear, boredom, powerlessness,
so feelings can >heal >guide>fulfill>evolve,
and ~~~ offer ~~~"goldmines"~~~ to us all!! "I
want you to feel everything, every little thing!"
Though Tomer is no longer with me, I am still
wearing this pendant around my neck.
Efrat, my daughter-in-love had came across it in a shop in Detroit, where
they live.
Knowing, that nothing could better represent T and me - brought it as a gift,
when she and T's father came to visit the kids at the end of January,
even though at that time our differences had driven a wedge between us.
The differences, or triggers, caused by the way
in which I handled problems - not with T - but with T's family.
Though the harmony has long since be restored,
I do not want to forget this aspect of my "Intensive" with T.
Tomer - Towards Completion?
2003_04_06; last update: 2003_05_27
"Neither his mother and partner,
nor his father and partner, nor you, Grandma,
can deal alone with the triggers which all of you are creating with this teacher.
All of you should be around Tomer geographically and available for Tomer,
so that when one is exhausted by being triggered, another will take over.
You had this micro-experience yesterday, do you want to tell it?"
Yes, this one time I would like to go into
all the details of two such scenes.
"I suggest, that during the last
days with Tomer you focus on your drama with him,
understand its process into depth and bring it to completion in your mutual
reality."
I'm going to follow this
advice and sculpt part of the interactions with Tomer,
before his father, my son, will take him with him to the United States-at-War.
A drama about shoe-laces and
a jacuzzi,
while in Iraq thousands of people get killed
The drama sped up on Thursday, the 3rd of April.
On the background of terrible tensions at his mother's
and of huge ups and downs and ups between him and me,
the fateful day started when Tomer's mother called in distress.
She had to go to work, though the teachers were on partial strike,
and the pupils were expected at school two hours later than usual.
She dreaded another clash with Tomer like the one the morning before,
and soon Alon (11) started his SOS calls about Tomer making him mad.
Tomer had entangled himself in a shoe-less
mess and could not go to school,
and since Alon was responsible for locking the door, he couldn't leave
either.
The shoes, which had been bought
only a month earlier, were both torn.
Following a mad impulse, as so often, Tomer decided not to wear them.
He discovered spare ones of Alon and - determined to wear them,
didn't mind, that they were too big and that the laces were missing.
When Ruth begged me to walk over to
the boys and intervene,
I found Tomer sitting on the floor, whining quietly and miserably,
He tried to thread the laces of his own shoes into those of Alon.
I tried myself, in vain, for the stiff ends of the laces were missing.
Now, neither Tomer's own shoes nor those of Alon could be worn.
The
relationship between the two brothers
was marred by the history of Alon's duty,
to be his troublesome "brother's keeper".
To free him from part of this nightmare,
I had proposed in May 2002
to fetch Tomer from school at 12:45,
so that Alon wouldn't be disturbed
in playing with his friends until 13:45.
My proposal was accepted
by father, mother and brother.
From Sept. 2002 Immanuel could afford
to pay for a "noon-school" for Tomer
after 12:45,
on the same school premises.
But then Alon had to fetch him at 4:00,
until again I took over - 3 times a week. As I told, the noonschool soon gave up.
I asked Tomer, if he could search for a needle.
A miracle happened!
Instead of the needle he found intact shoelaces!
They weren't long enough, but I skipped some holes,
and in the end Tomer put on Alon's too big shoes.
Then I helped him to reach school just in time.
T's - accidential
? -photo
of AL's shoes 5 days later
Most "shoe-lace-dramas" brought
up abysmal sadness,
like the one I was cool enough to document on March 23,
because I didn't let myself be dragged into any re-action
to his demand to break our contract of "Brushing Teeth".
I said to
myself: How wonderful, that I was around!!!
If one of us looses control and cannot cope any longer,
another one - not triggered in that moment - takes over.
That very day I was to experience this
fact the other way round.
When I met Tomer in class after school and helped him
with his homework etc,.
he showed no resistance, as most of the time, but was cooperative and sweet.
We didn't finish, since on Thursdays there were only 10 minutes for this task,
before we needed to rush to the Democratic School to fetch Ronnit's kids.
He "promised" to not resist completing the homework on the weekend,
which he was to spend with grandma anyway.
Tomer's
last day in the class,
from which I had always fetched him
was also the last school day
before the Pesach holiday.
Despite my experience with a promise
of this kind, I "bought" it,
enjoying the momentary harmony and ignoring its consequences.
The yearning for harmony made me rush into the opposite of it.
"Did you fix with Nir, that we'll meet
him at the pool as last time?"
A senseless question, which got a meaningless answer: "Yes!"
But I bought it.
After the strenuous turmoil of feeding
5 kids, Tomer included,
we drove to the pool, but when we got there, Tomer yelled: "Why didn't we drive to Nir's home
to fetch him from there?"
Among
T's friends Nir (front) and Daniel (right) were the closest. The boys
wear kippas because they had celebrated Pesach in class.
I got angry, only a little bit though ...and
drove to Nir's home.
We were told, that Nir had indeed gone to the pool by himself.
I got mad now - at myself: "How stupid of me
to rely on you!".
Inside the pool we played cat and mouse until the 2 boys met.
For a while I said nothing, waiting for them
to start swimming, but then gestured with my hands: "Start
doing your ten pools!"
Some ignorant person once said to me: "But why don't you just let him play in the
water?" Yes, why?
Because Tomer would want to leave after 5 minutes.
Because Tomer would even refuse to go to the pool.
Because for Tomer, like for most people on the planet
is desirable only what is not available,
and once something is available it's not desired anymore.
That's why I loathe so much this country's birthday celebrations.
Tomer's classmates brought 25 gifts,
not to count the gifts from the family.
Did he enjoy even one of them for more than a day or two?
So if I believed in the therapeutic effect of moving in water,
I had to help Tomer relate to it as he relates to toothbrushing.
grandma's ancient little mirror his father's cup of coffee sunset over his town Modi'in at Tamir's campfire 03_01_01,
when we stayed overnight
and slept in my former
mobile home
This is the time
to examine
the principles
of my "Wrestling with Tomer".
Wrestling for keeping Agreements about Routines
First Principle:
Tomer and I are partners and allies.
Tomer for me is not "a child with ADHD,
i.e.Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder"
though "diagnosed" as such and definitely fitting
most of its
popular symptoms,
but an actor in my drama,
whom I - subconsciously - chose to heal & grow through
him,
and who chose me as an actor in h i s drama,
for the same reason:
to heal and to grow.
This makes us equal, makes us partners and allies,
firmly anchored in the mutual dependency between grandmother
and grandchild.
It is not by chance, that only while writing this just now,
it occurred to me to look up ADHD on the Internet,
and that only lately was I given a book about ADHD.
I do accept, that Tomer "belongs" to a widespread
category of children,
and is not considered or treated like some develish brat outside
society.
I also appreciate the 4 hour influence of the drug Ritalin
during school hours,
especially on the long run:
the more Tomer's self-esteem will be raised by improved performance
and relationships
the less will he be prone to escapist drugs and life-styles
at a later age.
But the trap of the ADHD diagnosis and treatment is,
that Tomer becomes an object, or at least a person on the
other side of the fence. The dynamics which determine the
events between any two persons, is forgotten:
Tomer IS not this or that, which can be listed and fixated.
He is what he is with ME, because I am what I am and vice
versa.
We are creating each other,
and the more we heal, the more we'll like, what we create
with each other.
Moreover:
Tomer is what he is with me NOW, because I am what I am NOW.
We are creating each other in this moment, and can change
that any moment.
Relating to
Tomer as my partner, means,
that I expect from him to keep promises and agreements.
I never ask him to obey me or respect me as a superior.
I do demand that he respect me as a person,
and when I feel he does not, I must do both:
a) move my pain and ask myself why I "created"
him like this,
b) communicate to him, that the covenant between us
is broken,
or with an analogy, which came to my mind lately: "Imagine
the rainbow - when
you take one edge away, there
will be no rainbow.
Or an electrical current - take
the plus away or the minus - there will be
no electricity."
Responding to Tomer as my partner, meant, that I
let myself be hurt.
I never comforted myself: "He is just a child!"
or : "He has ADHD!"
If I couldn't create the situation in a way, that I
wouldn't be triggered,
I reacted to the slightest breach of a contract as seriously
as I felt it.
grandma's ancient little mirror his own hand sunset over his town Modi'in
Tamir, grandma and cat
flames, songs and new friends,
here a mother,
also called Efrat,
with 2 sons,
one also called Alon
and exactly the age of our Alon,
the other , portraited so lively by
Tomer, was like T's twin brother,
in age and "behavior".
Second Principle: We agreed on a fixed structure for the time
we spent together
At 12.45 I met him at school, often getting
feedback from the teachers.
Then we walked together to the pool, a nice route, mostly along parks.
Without a structure in the pool he would hardly spend time in the
water,
and pester me after 10 min. to let him go to his beloved shower-room.
At first we agreed on disciplined swimming of "8 pools",
5 minutes "dolphin-play" with himself
and 5 minutes "water-wrestling" with grandma.
But this agreement had to be modified often,
the last version was: 25 min. in the water, 10 pools.
The need to wait for Tomer after the pool often
caused triggering,
however sophisticated appointments I fixed with him to avoid this.
When Nir joined us, they reached a record of 30 min. in the shower.
From the pool we walked straight
up the Titora hill to our tree,
on a path we had made, before Mugrabi's
cows did a better job.
I learnt to prepare a practical, suitable and tasty picnic,
which I carried together with our swimming equipment.
Once I suggested to change the place of having picnic,
but there it was Tomer who insisted on the Sidra
tree.
From there we walked back, relaxed
and at ease,
exploring and enjoying plants and birds and insects
and the transformation of nature from winter to spring.
Home in my flat, we faced the threat
of "homework",
which was a trigger by definition..
Finally I hit upon the idea to structure our time more effectively:
Homework had to be done in the classroom, right after school,
assisted by the momentum of learning and the still active Ritalin.
The routine variations in this structure were also very helpful:
On Mondays and Wednesdays we had to be back by 3:40,
since his 2 or 4 or 5 cousins would be in my care together with him.
On Mondays he would stay on for the night, with or without Alon.
On Thursdays I would meet him after class with Ronnit's car,
drive with him to the Democratic School to fetch her four kids,
a feat for Tomer, who had loved this school, till his mother took
him out,
and return with all five- to warm up the lunch, which Uri had cooked.
Having to feed today's affluent kids, is very often triggering for
me. But what is even more triggering, is the way
the kids spend their time.
As if they hadn't been educated and stimulated to play creatively,
they were often lounging in front of one of two TVs or computers.
Tomer, who in MY house was as creative as his cousins, joined them.
Often they found a pretext to quarrel and Tomer then was the scapegoat.
I was glad for the hour, I could go off to the pool with Tomer,
but he himself would have preferred to stick around his cousins. Twice
a month Tomer and Alon were with me for the weekend ~~~~
Third Principle:
We made agreements and kept them or changed them together.
I trained Tomer to make and keep and remake agreements,
i.e. to grow into becoming a partner and ally,
instead of turning me into a police-woman whom he has to obey.
And in fact, one day, following a terrible mutual
trigger,
I suggested that he change even our basic structure.
"Can I really change everything and make
a new contract?"
"Yes, provided you suggest something viable and then stick to
it."
He thought for a while, and then made us sit down on a bench.
"This will be our contract:
We'll go to the pool and the Titorah hill only once a week.
On the other days I'll stay with my friends until 1:30 and play,
football or cards, and you'll watch or join our play.
Then we'll go and have picnic in a park."
His secret idea behind the park proposal was, as
I found out the first time,
that he could make me follow him to one or the other shopping centers.
"Money" and buying anything were taboo in our noon-school,
but "I like to be goaded"[le-hitgarot],
he explained, when snuffing sweets.
This interim contract was a big lesson for me.
How could I stick to the contract, but prevent Tomer
from misusing it?
While at first letting him drag me along to where I myself loathed
to be,
I quickly learnt , that all I needed to do, was to communicate my
plight.
Not to forbid, not to preach, not to blame,
just to tell him when I suffered.
Then there occurred one of those lightening bolts and thunderstorms,
which made me loose all self-esteem and wallow in self-pity.
I don't remember the chain of triggers.
What I do remember, is Tomer's firm declaration:
"We shall return to our first contract."
I couldn't believe my ears
and checked if he was aware of what he suggested.
He was certain.
Yet I didn't delude myself:
realization would vastly differ from declaration.
But
I breathed with relief.
And I felt great appreciation for him.
All three principles had the same aim:
to mould each and every situation in a way,
that Tomer's ESSENCE would come into play
and visible to himself,
so as to accomplish both:
a pleasant togetherness and
- as a result -
the rising of his self-esteem.
Of course, I failed more often than I succeeded.
i.e. I was not focused enough on creating the right situation.
In the case of that fateful Thursday, for instance:
Instead of relying on the boys to arrange where to meet,
I should have taken care of that myself,
for my goals of "Wrestling with Tomer"
did not include "teaching him to make relyable appointments".
Also:
Instead of yielding to the demand to give up on the 10 pools,
I should have been firm and not break the agreement myself.
[Febr. 19, 2011: This I did over and over again:
I let myself be manipulated into break agreements with Tomer,
see "Kinneret-Summer
2010",
but see also my insight as phrased in "Training"
on Febr. 18, 2011
I suddenly believe,
that "to be whole" doesn't mean to be free of flaws and blunders,
nor to be free of pain-attracting judgments like I need to be good,
If I am aware, accepting, responsible for my flaws =
not their victim,
then I'm"whole" and also the "lessons" will become
less and less. February 19, 2011: "responsible"
means,
that instead of judging myself and regretting my mistake,
I face the results and convert the frightful into the fruitful,
as I do with any situation, that was staged by my Cosmic Self.
Yielding to Tomer's incessant manipulation/unceasing resistance
always ended up in "asuric" behavior, which triggered me madly,
which in turn made Tomer feel guilty and his selfesteem dumped.
I want to rephrase this sentence:
Succumbing to Tomer's
incessant manipulation
& unceasing resistance
is nothing but denial of myself.
And denial attract Asuras,
as I learnt,
which then trigger me madly.
This, of course, is the deeper need of my soul
which invites events that trigger the holes in my wholeness,
so that unhealed feelings can "move" and heal into self-acceptance.
But since a trigger tramples my awareness,
I ignore its origin and blame Tomer instead,
which, in turn, damages his self-acceptance.
After
a while Tomer swam three - rather crooked - pools ,
but then he declared,
that since Nir wasn't cooperating, he too would stop swimming.
I called Nir and there came another boy , also called Nir.
These two asked sweetly,
if I could give up on the 10 pools and just let them play.
I feared the consequences of giving in, but I did give in, "provided that you play only inside the
pool, and not around it." They promised and jumped off in excitement.
Less than a moment later I could not see them in the pool
I spotted them instead in a hidden corner of the jacuzzi.
The jacuzzi is forbidden for children under sixteen.
I waited for another five minutes. They still sat there.
I walked over feeling badly cheated and humiliated. "Do you call this playing inside the
pool?"I yelled"Lyers!" which is a title I've never used towards anyone
person.
I walked off, sure, they would follow me to the pool.
But they didn't.
I waited for another 5 minutes, my rage grew by the second.
Just when I wanted to approach the lifeguard,
he himself went and talked to them.
Then he came towards me and said: "You begged me not to monitor your son
[!], since he has a problem, but this~~"
I interrupted: "No this time I myself
ask for your help, they've been cheating me!"
In this second Tomer jumped next to us, but I gave him no chance and
yelled: "To you I'm not going to talk anymore
today!" and he jumped off just as fast.
The lifeguard shook my hand in solidarity: "May
I now treat him like all others?"
The boys, of course, had fled to the
showers and I went back to the pool.
I took my time, to swim and sound my anger, shame and powerlessness.
When they hadn't melted after 20 min., I allowed myself to plan revenge.
I calculated if I would put them to risk by driving off and deserting
them.
I reached the showers and then the car
without encountering them.
In more than 4 months I've never left wild Tomer alone anywhere.
Back at Ronnit's I was scared, assuming I wouldn't even see him.
Whenever he was mad at me, he tried to escape to his own home.
But not this time!
As I said, he came back after some 20 minutes,
gave me a furious glance and joined his cousins on the lower floor.
When those sat around the table for their usual "4 o'clock snack",
Tomer once appeared, looked, but bounced off,
knowing, he had no right to be part of the party.
These two facts -
that he had dared to come back under my eyes,
and that he didn't ask for his share in the snack,
melted my anger away.
So when Ruth came after 5 o'clock to take him home,
I managed to avoid telling her what had happened.
Tomer and Nir waking up together at grandma's
and warming at the heater
Still, two hours later she wanted
to know.
Tomer had hinted at our non-communication.
But by then the situtuation had totally changed.
It was as if Tomer had needed the storm with me,
in order to be ready for a serene and wise response
when his mother took him for a walk in order to check
how he would feel, if he would move to his father in the US. And as
I told:
it was during that sharing of hailstorm and sunshine
between Tomer's mother and Tomer's grandmother,
that she decided to let go of Tomer - for a year.
The next day I met Tomer and Nir after
school.
I was adamant about "finishing business" first.
Though Nir's parents and sister waited for Nir,
I asked them to give us time.
First I asked the boys to tell me their side of the story.
But except for blaming the second Nir for telling them: "I have special permission from the
lifeguard to sit here",
they made no excuses and were in now way defensive.
Tomer told, what happened, when they couldn't find me. "We looked everywhere inside and outside
the pool.
Then we went to Nir's flat, hoping to find you there.
Nir stayed home and I went alone to Ronnit's house.
But the car wasn't there, so I went to my own house.
When you weren't there , I walked back to Ronnit's,
and this time the car was there."
In my heart I admired his persistence
and bravery.
But I said: "Alright, Tomer and Nir,
you still have to reconcile me.
What do you suggest?"
Tomer processed this question fast and his face lit up: "I have an idea! We'll write a letter of
apology!"
I agreed and smiled.
Some days ago, as usual on our way to the pool,
I had asked him one of the 17 questions,
which I had invented to raise Tomer's self-esteem.
I asked 5 questions, one after the other,
and only the fifth had relevance for him: "Remember a moment
in which you made peace with someone."
He pondered for an instant and said joyously. "You'll like that!"
And he told, how he had called his art teacher ugly names,
how he later wrote an apology and how it was accepted.
How difficult it is for a second grader to write a letter at all,
leave alone an apology,
became clear, when Tomer asked Nir to read the apology, "since I've done all the writing, you can
at least read it."
I didn't know, that Nir resisted, because he was a bad reader.
Luckily his mother helped him read and I had a new problem,
to prevent Tomer from ridiculing his friend for his deficiency.
"We apologize for this that we lied to
you
and didn't do the contract right"
from Tomer and Nir,
from Tomer, from Tomer and Nir
for Rachel"
No sooner was the sea serene than a new storm
rose.
Tomer had to keep his promise to do the homework,
which we had not had time to finish the day before.
Ruth had come for our appointment with the head-mistress.
While we were waiting, and I was still talking to Nir's mum,
I saw Ruth dictating Tomer the answers to the
questions.
I hated that, took over and made Tomer think for himself.
It was the biblical story of Abraham's slave Eliezer,
who had to find Isaac a bride among Abraham's kin. [Genesis 24, see also in 2002
Desert Peace Process] "By what sign did Eliezer want to recognize
the right girl?"
He whined that he couldn't possibly know the
answer to that.
When I demanded : "Then just
read that part of the story again", it turned out, that he had left the story book
in his classroom.
This triggered me all over again
and I yelled despite Ruth's presence: "I asked you 3 times before we left class:
did you take all the equipment with you,
which we need to do your homework?
You promised already yesterday,
that your satchel would be ready,
when I would come to fetch you.
And today I asked you even specifically about your Torah book."
There was, of course, more gunpowder to be blown up than what I can list here.
I won't go into the most trying ordeal during all this time - doing homework.
I only want to again mention the one big change on the exterior level:
Instead of scheduling "15 minutes homework" AFTER our "outdoor
therapy",
which was like raising hell and all its inmates,
I finally - a bit late in time - had the idea of doing ALL homework BEFORE,
which also freed his mother from ruining her time with Tomer by this nightmare.
Caring for Tomer's young back, which carried such a heavy satchel,
I asked Etti's permission for Tomer to leave all his equipment in class,
since we intended to finish homework always on the day it was given.
"Despite Etti's permission, you often insisted,
Tomer, to still load up your satchel with books, for no reason.
And now, when there was a real reason to take the Torah book, you didn't and
even lied to me that you did."
Ruth begged me to solve the problem and not
to put us to shame by yelling,
and seeing the headmistress ready, she went to the appointment without me.
I kept silent for a while, until I could control myself, and remembered,
what I had done weeks ago in a
terrible situation with a similar trigger:
Then Tomer had related to questions about another biblical story (Abraham and nephew Lot lovingly separating
from each other - Genesis 13)
as if he was a machine and not a - even feebly - thinking human.
The solution to that endless, never ending, unimaginable drama was,
that I waited until the next morning,
- he used to sleep next to me, after at home he had seen a horror-movie -
woke him up with utmost slowness and tenderness,
and then in the most natural and organic way
told him that story in my own words,
connecting it to our experience with Mugrabi's
cows,
to make him identify with those two herdsmen, Abraham and Lot.
I tried the same now:
I retold him the story in a way, that made him identify.
And soon enough he could answer the last question:
"The sign by which he would recognize the
right girl,
would be, that she would give him water to drink,
and that she would give water also to his camels." [Genesis 24]
I saw a glimmer of satisfaction in the child's
eyes.
But
then came a new obstacle, homework in arithmetics.
Tomer didn't even attempt to understand, what he was supposed to do.
He was just whining and whincing - a stone may have melted with pity.
This time I felt, he simply needed to sound/move
all kinds of emotions.
I wasn't triggered. I listened to him patiently, with loving support.
It was then that the miracle, which is the point of my story, repeated
itself:
While we were sitting on a stone-bench between 2 columns under an arch,
Etti Khen, Tomer's main teacher(photo:
one hour earlier), was passing by.
I approached her, pointing at whining Tomer and his open math book.
She whispered: "Let him go! He has only 2 more days
in this school. He is not free [lo
panui]!" By which she meant: he is preoccupied with overwhelming
emotions.
I said:"Yes. But it's you who
has to tell him so."
She walked over to him and dispensed him from
any and all homework.
Wasn't this another message,
that the most important thing we need to do for Tomer, i.e. for ourselves,
is to BEmore than one around
him and to intertwine hands and hearts?
Why was it, that Tomer suggested to do the homework right there in the
schoolyard,
though it was the Eve of Shabbat and pupils and almost all teachers
had left already?
This time neither mother nor grandma were up to the situation, but the
teacher was!
Just as several times the school had calledme,
becausetheycouldn't
cope any more!
Two weeks before our not yet known parting:
A magnificent afternoon tea with Nir and Daniel and also Yehoo, my neighbor,
whom we met on the Titorah
Of
course, since then, there have "happened" numerous more triggers,,
like just now- 2003_04_05, 11.50 AM -
when Tomer called from his friend
and asked, if his mother and Gil, her partner, had come,
and when I said, that they are due only towards the evening,
he blurted:"Bye",
and wanted to hang up.
"But Tomer, you said you would return at 12.00."
"I'll return at 2.30. Bye!"
"Tomer, Tomer, wait. What are you doing again.
Yesterday at 5 AM you wanted to go to Daniel, your friend.
I wasn't too pleased with that, since it's our last weekend,
and you said, you would return by 7:00 PM.
Instead of returning,
you called at 7:30 and begged me not to be angry,
and that you wanted to stay over night.
I was sad, but agreed and you said, you would be back by 12:00 today.
And now you don't even ask me, if you can stay longer,
you just throw the receiver in my face."
"No, I don't, what's so bad about staying with Daniel!"
"Let's not talk about Grandma, but what about your friend Nir?
"It's only 2 weeks,
since we started to take him with us to the pool and the hill.
Before that he was taken to the pool by an older boy,
which suddenly deserted him.
Now it's as if he'll be deserted by you too.
Wouldn't you like to be with him today?"
"I'll be with him after four o'clock. Bye!"
"Tomer, Tomer, it's not done like that.
Maybe after 4 o'clock your mother will come, or Nir will be out.
He doesn't just sit there and wait for you."
"But what's wrong with me just wanting to be with Daniel!!"
"Nothing is wrong with that,
except that all concerned need to be informed
and if necessary, to be won over."
"I can't talk right now".
"Then don't talk",
and we hang up.
Half an hour later Ruth called - she wanted to be with
him,
buy him the badly needed sandals and a toy for the flight,
go to a restaurant together with Gil, her partner, and talk.
She asked for my digital camera to catch their relationship.
A rare moment: Tomer get's Daniel's
support in doing his home-work And there was the price: Daniel joined
us in our pool-picnic-path routine
I was already in turmoil, grasping that I was angry and sad.
So when Tomer flung upen my door demanding the camera,
I forced on him his 2 bags, without uttering one word.
His protest: "Mum will take them!"
added to my anger.
The gladness in his eyes gave way to a furious glance.
And off he was.
It
was then, that I felt utterly forsaken and forlorn.
It was like a mini Judgment Day:
"Now you see, how you blew it!
Instead of echoing the child's excitement,
you take revenge by forcing those things on him ,
and even without a word.
NOw you get your punishment!
For having been ambivalent towards Tomer all the time:
wanting to be with him, but also wanting to be left alone.
Millions of grandparents
would rejoice in the opportunity you had,
but you, you were unable to receive this gift with a whole heart."
And there was also self-pity:
"What an ungrateful brat!
How many days and pains have I dedicated to him,
and he, he does not even try to win me over for his preferences,
leave alone, give me a hug and a Thank-you."
And guilt again:
"But you always dreaded
these weekends!
And you really want those all to yourself!
Now you are complaining, you hypocrite!"
Screaming and end-of-the-world-sobbing,
accompanied by disciplined Body spinning,
and the growing consciousness,
that I must let myself feel all these feelings,
not justify myself, not comfort myself,
not lull myself into distractions , (though I allowed myself to eat, which is my way
of distraction),
not determining "to change",
in short - to bear the unbearable,
that I am not worthy.
The mirror Tomer
held in front of me
with his numerous snap-shots,
was not flattering
Regret-guilt-grief feelings like these seem to stick forever.
But after 2 hours or so I had an idea :
I would write a letter to Tomer.
I need not judge myself for having been ambivalent,
wanting to be with him but also wanting to be alone.
Nor do I now judge myself for having been angry,
though my spirit tells me, I should have been loving.
Tomer hasn't died, nor even moved away yet.
There is still a chance to transform a curse into a blessing.
And this I would do by sharing with him my pain, without blame.
I wrote slowly and clearly, hoping he would make the
effort to read it.
I added tiny drawings and pictures of beauty, hoping to touch his heart.
Training
in Self-Esteem
Remember
a moment in which you were brave though you were scared
a moment in which you listened to the pain of someone else
a moment in which you helped someone solve a problem
a moment in which you moved and sounded your anger
without hurting anyone's body
or feelings.
a moment in which you learnt something new which interested you
a moment in which you were proud of something you did or said
a moment in which you felt joy or happiness
a moment in which you caused somebody "nakhat" (satisfaction
with you) a moment in which you felt appreciation for someone
a moment in which you felt that someone appreciated you.
a moment in which you were aware that you loved somebody
a moment in which you succeeded in doing
what you wanted to do
a moment in which you succeeded in getting
what you wanted to get
a moment in which you succeeded in getting the help
you needed a moment
in which you helped someone who needed help
a moment in which you made peace with someone
These questions were written
on 17 cards.
Each day after school,
when we were walking to the pool,
Tomer chose a card and answered,
or if he had no answer to a card,
he would choose another one
until he had an answer.
There were variations to this game,
which he liked very much:
For a period of time
we recorded his answers,
so that we could hear them,
when several answers had accumulated.
Then there was a period,
when he didn't want the cards.
I had to shuffle the questions by heart.
The result:
more consciousness, more self-esteem
