Finetuning
12:24
This morning in bed - many memories came to me, as usual,
very recent ones
- an extraordinary interview with the writer Peter Handke for instance -
or the stages of my coping with "the little problem" yesterday,
or memories from times and people seemingly long ago.
Deep grate-full-ness engulfed me, as usual, for everything in my life,
in past and present.

But unavoidably something less pleasant asked for attention,
something which was not new, - in fact I touched it yesterday,
and because of the thorough work on "the little problem"
the big problem, or more exactly : the big pain,
shoved itself into the foreground.
It would have been easy to shove it to the background again,
[see, what Seth said about inner noise pollution]
but listening to those underground growling noises in my soul
I knew, that indeed something had changed for the worse,
a sign, that I had to look at it closer.


Exactly a year ago it was - relatively - still alright.
I sent some virtual presents to Ronnit's birthday,
and she wrote a moving letter about knowing,
that her dis-communication causes me pain.
I responded, that I could handle my own pain,
but that I was in pain because of her pain.

Now, since that cut-off on January 1, 2008,
I feel resentful, even revengeful.
Like wanting to scream at her:
"Whatever crime I have committed in your eyes,
I won't accept, that you do not tell me what I've done.
It's about time,
that you include me in your work on your Mother-Trauma,
or whatever it is,
which made you ask me - almost 5 years ago - to stay away from you.
You can tell me everything,
you can project on me anything,
you can make me responsible for all you suffered from your father,
but I deserve to be a part and partner of your process.
And if not, [that's where revenge came in...], I too shall retreat,
and one day, when you'll need me, you'll be sorry."

Ha, ha , ha! What a discharge of Feeling-Victim!

When I came this far, I knew, that I had a job at hand!

"Please help me to heal those feelings,
NOW , TODAY , RIGHTAWAY!"
I want to think and send only compassion and love to my daughter!
Any feeling - leave alone saying or acting - that is related to anger,
will achieve the opposite of what I want to achieve:
that my child will accept herself,
accept also the staging of her drama and the casting of her actors.

* * *

I can see clearly,
how she - beyond consciousness - began to speed up "action":
After the family celebration of Mika's second birthday, on Dec. 22,
she asked to come into my room, with her daughter Yael, with a quest:
"In 2008 Yael and 11 other girls in the Democratic School will become 12,
and several activities will signify this age of becoming "Bat-Mitzva".
Would you teach them about their belonging to the Jewish people?
Nobody can do this like you."
Following this quest, there was an immediate exchange of e-mails
about the purpose and program for an activity directed by me,
and about the technical details of carrying out this program.
In addition to this !!!
Ronnit even shared with me a joy - that essay of Rotem!


I was so happy for these small steps towards me!
And then I ruined it all by putting that essay on my website.

Or so it seems!

But maybe, we both - as the directors of our dramas - staged this event,
so as to challenge each other to accelerate our healing process?


As to me,
one step I've taken already:
If it was, indeed, my lack of discretion
which made Ronnit recoil from me again,
I needed to check yet another time in my life,
if I can "get rid" of this quality of transparency.
the result is: I can not get rid of this,
just like I cannot get rid of being a woman,
or being of German-Christian origin,
or thinking "not in line".

Since I must bear the consequences of who I am,
and can't simply spit and say: "take me or leave me!"
the first and last task is to accept myself as I am,
and then to wait patiently,
until this self-acceptance will reflect in my environment.
[There always seems to be a "jet-lag"
between the adoption of a new attitude
and the reflection of this around me...]


Once I'm whole with who I am,
"transparent" or "indiscrete",
I am free to receive,
what comes or does not come from Ronnit.
There will be only loving acceptance,
unlimited compassion
and never-ending patience,
and no self-denial hidden underneath.


All this is not new to me,
nor do I discern an error in my path of acceptance
during those five years.

What then needs to speed up now?

I've asked for help!
And I've focused on re-reading the puzzle-pieces
which refer to the need for spirit and mind,
to Follow Will's and Body's Lead.
In pp45 "I need you to feel how I feel"

I came across my verbal sculpture of a family situation,
which was even more painful for me since the present one,
since the non-communication was not directed against ME.
This meant that I felt even more powerless than I feel now.
[2013-01-14-I pray that U. and M. will heal their Lost Will!]

Remembering that situation with Uri, Ronnit's husband,
on the very eve of the death of Rafael , Ronnit's father,
I'm overcome by grief, and also ~~~~ by shame.
If my environment is reflecting ME,
what does this on-going non-communication
of Ronnit and Uri towards Micha and Ra'ayah
and since 2004 also towards me,
tell me about myself?
I know the difference between responsibility and guilt.
I feel shame not blame.
But shouldn't I figure out, what exactly it is in me,
which reflects as non-communication in my family?

I'm crying now ~~~ I have no clue whatsoever ~~~
And to accept myself as being so unaware of herself,
is even more shameful than admitting:
"My daughter does not talk to me!"

I must stop here - stuck as I am.

At least,
any feelings of resentment against Ronnit are gone.
I can now bow my head and admit my helplessness:

"I don't know how and why I cast you into the role
of an angry, hurting, non-communicative daughter!

But I'll womb us both in my womb of compassion,
and I pray and breathe, I sigh and cry my desire -

that you may heal yourself into wholeness!

heal the pains which you connect with me!

cease feeling a victim of your father and me!

embrace, hug and cradle your beautiful self,

and even accept, with neither guilt nor denial,

that you still need to beware of your mother!"

Nourishment from Others
In the train on Friday I read old, still relevant cuttings
from one of the books of "Seth",
probably: The Nature of Personal Reality
channeled by Jane Roberts,
See how Godchannel relates to Seth.

[From or around session 626, November 8, 1972]
Imagination and emotions
are the most concentrated forms of energy
that you possess as physical creatures.
Any strong emotion carries within it far more energy
than, say, that required to send a rocket to the moon.
(Very forcefully:)
Emotions, instead of propelling a physical rocket, for example,
send thoughts from this interior reality
through the barrier between nonphysical and physical
into the "objective" world
– no small feat, and one that is constantly repeated.

date ?
What should you do, then, if you find yourself feeling tired?
This is your conscious assessment of your body's reality at a given time.
You want to change it so you do not reinforce it.
Instead you say mentally
that the body can now begin to rest and refresh itself.
You take your initial judgment for granted then without restating it,
and instead suggest the remedy be carried out.
You can, if the conditions warrant, physically rest by lying down
or making whatever adjustments seem appropriate.
If none are possible
then several such suggestions
– that the body can refresh itself –
will give you benefit.
To tell yourself over and over that you are tired, however,
reinforces the condition.
The inner sound value of the countering suggestion
automatically begins to refresh the body.
It is fashionable now to think about noise pollution,
yet the same kind of circumstances occur with inner sound,
particularly when your inner thoughts are self-contradictory,
scrambled and random

[other side of this page:]
Beliefs are thoughts
reinforced by imagination and emotion
concerning the nature of your reality.
Now thoughts in general possess an electromagnetic reality,
but ... they also have an inner sound value.
You know the importance of exterior sound.
It is used as a method of communication,
but it is also a by-product of many other events,
and it affects the physical atmosphere.
Now the same is true about what I will call inner sound,
the sound of your thoughts within your own head.
I am not speaking here of body noises,
though you are usually oblivious to these also.
Inner sounds have an even greater effect than exterior ones upon your body.
They affect the atoms and molecules that compose your cells.
In many respects it is true to say that you speak your body,
but the speaking is interior.
The same kind of sound built the Pyramids,
and it was not sound that you would hear with your physical ears.
Such inner sound forms your bone and flesh.
The sound exists connected with
but quite apart
from the mental words you use in thinking.

p. 153
When women give birth in a crowded world
they also know,
and with a portion of their conscious minds,
that a violation is involved.
When your species sees
that it is destroying other species and disrupting the natural balance,
then it is consciously aware of its violation.
When such natural guilt is not faced
there are other mechanisms that must be employed. ...
Many of your problems result from the fact
that you do not accept the responsibility of your own consciousness.
It is meant to assess the reality that is unconsciously formed
in direct replica of your thoughts and expectations.
When you do not embrace this conscious knowledge, but refuse it,
you are not using one of the finest "tools" ever created by your species,
and you are to a large extent denying your birthright and heritage.

p.154
So therefore, can a family be so divided,
and one member always appear as a hero
and one the villain or the demon.
You may have two children,
one of whom, generally speaking, behaves like Augustus One,
and one who acts like Augustus Two.
Because one seems so compliant and docile
and one so violent and unruly,
you may never see the connections between their behavior,
thinking them so obviously different.
Yet if being "good," polite, and compliant
is not the usual state of normal children,
neither is incessant violent activity.
In such cases what you usually have is a situation
in which one child is acting out unfaced aggressive behavior
for the whole family.
Such unreconciled patterns of activity also mean
that love is not being freely expressed.

p.193
The conscious mind can see a rose
as a symbol of life or death,
or joy or sadness,
...
you usually consider consciousness
only in its analytical breaking-down functions.
These are very important
as it separates larger fields of perception into smaller ones
that can be physically understood.
But the conscious mind is also a great synthesizer.
It brings together diverse elements from your experience
and unites them in new patters.

p.194
…the great therapy of music;
this activates the inner living cells of your body,
stimulates the energy of the inner self
and helps to unite the conscious mind with the other portions of your being.
Music is an exterior representation, and an excellent one,
of the life-giving inner sounds
that act therapeutically within your body all the time.
The music is a conscious reminder of those deeper inner rhythms,
both of sound and of motion.
Listening to music that you like
will often bring images into your mind
that show you your conscious beliefs in different form.
The natural healing of sound can happen also
when you do such a simple thng as listen to the rain.
You do not need drugs, hypnotism, or even meditation.
You only need to allow and direct the freedom of your conscious mind.
Left alone, it will flow through thoughts and images
that provide their own therapy.

At Ronnit's wedding, 1987

The dilemma of love:
when to be a womb for the beloved to grow in,
or
when to be a wall for the beloved to grow against.

A womb is a space
where there is only darkness, no light.
If there is no polarity, there is no choice,
if there is no choice, there is no responsibility,
if there is no responsibility, there is no judgment.
Taking a person into my womb,
means I totally accept this person.

But at other times
total acceptance of a person
would mean that I deny myself.
My needs and desires are a wall,
which give the other person two options:
to get away from me, if s/he's not dependent on me,
or to turn my wall into a challenge and a chance
to balance him/herself and to grow.

puzzle piece 45
"I need you to feel
how I feel"

From
The Mother and Spirit
in Dialogue II

"This is the Mother.
Spirit,
I have so much to tell you.
I will share in bits and pieces
so we can both process.
But be advised ~
I will not hold back.
I can take responsibility
for my emotions,
own my behavior,
and not project.






But I need to describe
how I feel.
I need you to know
how I feel.
I need you to feel
how I feel."
...
I don't trust you.
I'm waiting for the backlash,
the repercussions for
voicing myself to you.
At this moment I am ducking.
....

"In my house of pain
you will feel every blow
you ever delivered to the Mother.
You know it must be this way.
There is no other...

"Are you
as strong as the Mother?
Can you in fact
withstand the pain
you asked me to endure...?"

"When the Mother is ready...
You will not speak.
You will only listen.
You will listen to her story.

"She must speak
to be removed from victimhood.
You must listen
to validate her pain.

"She will speak
until she has nothing more to say.
And you will listen
until she tells you she is finished. ..

"You will step inside her heart
and she will hold you there,
captive audience
while you relive her drama.

"You will experience the Mother's experience
from the Mother's perspective.

"THEN you can say
you know the Mother.

"You will integrate
the pain of her existence
into your being.

"Welcome to the Mother's emotional reality.
Will you survive
what you asked her to survive?"

From The Mother and Spirit
in Dialogue I

The Mother:
...
Can you imagine
how much this hurts;
intentional injury by God?
Are you aware
I am the only being in creation
you intentionally wounded?
I am angry with you.
So very very angry.
Thought you should know."

Spirit:
...
Thank you for this expression,
...
I've needed to hear these things from you,
and feel all of the pain
that my bad intentions and denials have caused you."

From
Projection and Perception


"Feeling into
a person, group or event
can bring you
into direct communion
with them.
Seeing these
as merely 'outside' objects
forces them
into the role of a screen
for your projections...

"True perception happens
when there is complete merging and union
with the perceived,
and this can happen only
by feeling into it.

"You get the feeling
that you're experiencing another world,
and truly you are.
There are no judgments
about what's perceived,
the value of something truly perceived
is at another level of reality,
beyond the normal range
of 'good' and 'bad'
and 'right' and 'wrong'."

From
The Mother and Spirit
in Dialogue III
God responds to the Mother's Invitation

"We both know the only way
one can truly experience another
is to be there with them,
in their experience of themselves.

"All of the pain of your fragments,
and dread and drudgery
and humiliation and sliminess
of their experience,
all the hatred,
loathing and disgust,
all the bad intent
and pure, searing evil
that's been pounded
into their being ~
is now to be seen,
and heard,
and felt
and loved by my Light. .."

puzzle piece 54
Light's Way
to Dwell in Hell

From
Truth & Reality Class IV
Fundamentals of Manifestation
4.3 Awareness

"Loving Spirit
as your own conscious awareness
must be willing
to move all the way down
to the deepest and darkest Hells ...

"Loving Light,
truly exalted consciousness,
conscious awareness
with the intent to heal ~
is Light that is coming down
from the heights
of glory and power
to be with
the most anguished terror
in Hell.

"Loving Light is truly worthy
of the title 'God.'
It is Light that's willing to somehow find its way ~
to dwell with the Mother
and her most painful realities
in Hell.

"But who will do this?
Who would voluntarily bring their consciousness
from the heights
of the cosmic glory and power they have attained ~
to the hopeless depths of torturous pain and despair?
The answer of course is you,
the human whose intent is
the healing of Creation."

From
September 11
response to troubled questions

"In the real healing work
humans are doing,
it is necessary
to take your conscious awareness
into Hell
to be with and support
the Will
that's still trapped there.

"The terror
you have experienced
in your participation
and witnessing
of these events
is your own terror,
your own lost Will
crying out to you...

"Come to
the most difficult feelings
of terror, rage and grief ~
with love, acceptance,
appreciation and encouragement.



"When your own spirit
is truly loving
all of the feelings
triggered in you by world events,
you are doing planetary healing work ~
inside of yourself,
the only place it can truly happen ...

"Wholeness of being will be yours,
if you are willing
to take responsibility
for all that you experience,
if you are willing
to bring your own light
and healing intent,
bring your own consciousness
lovingly and intentionally
into Hell ~

AND FEEL ALL
THERE IS TO FEEL THERE. "

From
"Does Earth Lead the Way?"

"Working with this material
often causes one
to experience more suffering
at first,
rather than less.
Bringing the lost parts of Self
back from the hell
of their banishment
through denial
is almost never
an uplifting experience ~
until the part is
back in wholeness
with the rest of you.

"Spirits have had great resistance
to going into manifestation,
and even more resistance going into hell,
where the suffering
and compression
of manifested existence
is most extreme.

"And yet,
it is through this journey
that the healing
must be done.
The intentional journey
to hell,
to be with the parts of the Will
who are trapped there ~
can be made only
by a willing spirit
with strong healing intent
and a fervent desire
for union with the Mother.

How Can I Achieve Liberation
in this Lifetime?

"As you follow
the Mother and me
on this journey,
you will encounter not only
my deepest feelings
of divine bliss,
but the Mother's
deepest feelings
of unbounded grief
and abject terror
and hopelessness,
not to mention
our shared feelings
of rage and hate.

"We want to feel
these feelings
because this is the only way
we can liberate the essence
that has been trapped
and held captive by them."

1968-Ronnit 3 years old

grasping Imma's hand

1971-Ronnit learns to read. Till now - 2008- she is an ardent reader.

Israel, Yokne'am 1976 - while working on my Bir'am Project

Israel 1979, on a hike with Mona Yahia, but to where?

England 1978, visiting Michael Croft
after our Co-counseling Workshop
in Pontiland, Newcastle, North-England