Intro to Healing-K.i.s.s. 2001-2011
and Overview of its main libraries

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As the fruit of becoming whole = accepting all of myself, I desire:
to live and explore and evolve   L O V E   in my personal life
and to play my part in creating the conditions for Heaven-on-Earth
by radiating grate-full-ness, zest-full-ness and full-fill-ment
on the actors in my individual life-drama and on all human beings!

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1
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How
Learn
And

Heal
Conditions
In

Myself
For
Creating

Into
Heaven
Those

Whole
On
Conditions

Self-acceptance
Earth
Daily

try me if you wish
not sure I'll read it until tomorrow evening
but it seems I've difficulty with this issue...
been avoiding it
and I know that it will impose itself to me in an ugly way
if i continue not focusing on it

[I now found part of the message on videos and heard this one: Bringers of the Dawn: Teachings from the Pleiadians Pt. 6 How immensely relevant this is today! The other videos I must hear soon: 1 of 18-Bringers Of The Dawn, Teachings From The Pleiades 2 of 18-Bringers Of The Dawn, Teachings From The Pleiades 3 of 18-Bringers Of The Dawn, Teachings From The Pleiades 4 of 18-Bringers Of The Dawn, Teachings From The Pleiades 5 of 18-Bringers Of The Dawn, Teachings From The Pleiades [Sexuality!} Bringers of the Dawn: Teachings from the Pleiadians Pt. 7 Bringers of the Dawn: Teachings from the Pleiadians Pt. 8 9 of 18-Bringers Of The Dawn, Teachings From The Pleiades 10 of 18-Bringers Of The Dawn, Teachings From The Pleiades 11 of 18-Bringers Of The Dawn, Teachings From The Pleiades You need your emotions, you must be friends of your emotions.. 12 of 18-Bringers Of The Dawn, Teachings From The Pleiades 13 of 18-Bringers Of The Dawn, Teachings From The Pleiades 14 of 18-Bringers Of The Dawn, Teachings From The Pleiades 15 of 18-Bringers Of The Dawn, Teachings From The Pleiades 16 of 18-Bringers Of The Dawn, Teachings From The Pleiades 17 of 18-Bringers Of The Dawn, Teachings From The Pleiades 18 of 18-Bringers Of The Dawn, Teachings From The Pleiades Preview of Interview with Barbara Marciniak [the channeler] Excerpt from "The Pleadians" 2012 - Mother Earth (Evolution) - Pleiadian Keys [beautiful images and songs about Earth, and written admonishions about saving it!]

2003_05_17 – 1:02

I went to sleep, but left the computer open,
to let the sound of your mail wake me up.
Now that I see these lines,

try me if you wish
not sure I'll read it until tomorrow evening
but it seems I've difficulty with this issue...
been avoiding it
and I know that it will impose itself to me in an ugly way
if i continue not focusing on it

and their tone, so different from that in the former letter,
I feel, I should not interfere in the slightest way.

I've been waiting for this,

even with impatience,

restraining myself not to ask, not to push,

trusting your RightTime.

I'm relieved you are up to it now,

not ignoring, denying, avoiding, making excuses.

The question is, as you say,
not how to communicate "the secret",
but how to find wholeness within yourself.

When I asked, "am I allowed to relate", I meant to say,
that I could help you with finding wholeness within yourself.
But I am not to help you by conveying words,
I am to help you
by
being
your
old friend
WITHIN


2003_05_17 – 17:33

My friend within

BLUE -I had used this same color 24 years ago
for a poetry book I published
"comment le vent rit de la trance"

At the age of 18?
I see myself judging:
If one picks the fruits from a tree in its early years,
the tree will be weak all its life.
But if you still feel reflected in this book,
I would like to have it at my side.

maybe your proximity (Israel)
once I understood who you were

What did you understand who I am?

made me feel that there could open in me something
that cannot be touched by words in a book
that something is being born for me here
the symbolic meaning of the story about the photograph of my son
= the need for me to LEHITADKEN [bring myself up-to-date]

the world has changed ...
...it's about a change in me
less ragefull (especially against my children...)
my little adventure at the sinai border
that did not trigger me into deep emotions
made me consicious of this change

maybe my lacanian therapy stopped a few months ago

I tried to inform myself about this therapy, but lost patience.
What is unique about it, and why did you choose it for yourself?

followed by some voice-movement therapy.

that's what you are in now, right?
Is there a method with a name, a facilitator with a title,
or is it a self-help group?
Yesterday, Shabbat-eve, the extended TV news on channel 1:
about the come-back of Astar Shamir, as a singer [video]
Her voice-therapy was shown, but I didn't get it.
I didn't know her as a singer (as you know, I don't know singers),
but had a short but intense encounter with her 6 years ago
- about "voice"....

[this was in the house of Nati and Gidi Bar-Shalom in Tel-Aviv...]

a softness developed in me

also lately I'm growing towards a kind of internal authority
a growing of my inner voice
so discarded
and this is also witnessed by a growing presence in the world
(better presentations at lectures,
appearances on tv,
newspapers,
they even called me on stage in a ballet presentation ...
I'm also a major figure at the hospital where I work
as well as in part of the addicition field)

this all happened without effort ...

A number of other projects still slowly developing are also going in this direction
(a tribal dance-emotion-visualisation life-line one-day workshop for a lot of people).

What means "life-line" in this context?
Has this workshop - when? - to do with the following info?

We studied the psychological reactions of Israelis to terrorism......

Who is "we" - towards what goal?

Kryon talks about a grid change but I don't trust him

I find all these predictions as unhelpful to fulfilling my commitment
"to heal myself into wholeness - and by extension - creation"

This last 1 1/2 years also witnessed a change in my bitachon atsmi self-confidence
and my ability to 'demand' more of this world -
I changed one of my jobs (from Ichilov hospital to Pardessia -psychiatric hospital)
and made full circle back to a place that had fired me about 7 years ago...

How do you understand today the fact and the reasons?

but this time I entered "with the cavalry"
as part of a new team and with a very high status.
This process I think was the first jump after receiving my Ph.D.,
which I in fact had done for 'fun' and at work
and didn't really consider as very important (I guess I was denying here).

Maybe, what I shared about my thesis
how immensely important it was for me ,
sometimes satisfactory, but never ever "fun",
may inspire you to "drive backward" into your work on your thesis
and its exterior result.
Would I understand its title at least, or is it too professional?

Also my mother passed away July last year
this might account for 'some' changes, some 'becoming an adult'
This year during yom hashoa day of the holocaust
I felt I had the responsibility for that memory
for the first time ever towards my family.

I am glad, you could "own" that memory.

a year or so ago I had a major fear transformation

as always - I care about knowing and understanding more

although for now I'm back into new ones

the same - I care about knowing and understanding more

I am not the same anymore
I can feel more today I guess
I can feel in a more balanced way
less going-into-fits
accepting my limitations
not pushing too far

Into what direction did you push?

anything to liberate from untolerable feelings........
going harakiri into anger,
exitement
or trying to tear the sadness from within me...
to no avail
sometimes the "will to do the work"
has become just another way to do violence to the emotions,
to rape.. and sometimes plunder

I care about knowing and understanding more

Let me just re-present again,
what is especially delicious
And re-repeat part of it now

there needs to be time for me to investigate what it is I am creating
both what I feel I need
and
what it is I am afraid of
the possible ridicule
the possible unease
the fear of conflict
things the image of you through your site and your letters seem to trigger
the fear of (your..) uncontrolled emotions

Specific emotions, you have already experienced,
or my "emotionality" in general?
And why "uncontrolled"?
You have not yet have "the chance" to see,
when it's me who is going-into-fits!

threatening my peace of mind/life
forcing me to back out close-in

we are already past that double danger, aren't we?

or are you going to become the kind of person I want you to be
that is able to uphold the kind of interaction/dialogue
I believe I want
I believe I am
would it be possible to be where each of us is in life,
and be able to communicate the deepest
of what one is able to communicate
and be heard/received by the other?
in balance

there has been little place for acceptation of self,
there is judgment of self
there is enormous shame
not easy to work with shame for me
nothwithstanding Bradshaw and Lazaris

I opened a website about the former,
but lost interest after 10 seconds,
after having read the following:
Transforming Worry Into Wisdom May 31, 2003 (Saturday, 10am- 4:30pm)
Learn how to transform pessimistic thoughts and feelings into optimism and hope.
Learn to feel enlivened by life instead of anxious and fearful.

How does this go together with RUOW?
Lazaris:
maybe 6 years ago. I tried to learn from some casettes.
And found it worthwhile, as you said,
but again - my patience vanished fast.
Except for the Pleiadian message in one book "Bringers of the Dawn",
I've not found any information from this or other worlds,
which matches RUOW and Godchannel
with concern to what helps me live and heal.



As I told you, I am a slow reader,
I can afford to read only what I can apply to my living
directly and immediately.
I had felt this trait of mine as a deficiency all my life,
until - in 1981 - Julia Neumann read my hands,
and one thing she saw there, was,
that I have the ability to discern
what is relevant for me to read and study
and to cast away the rest.

Mentioning Julia Neumann, I want to tell you 2 things.
My own "awakening"
from the dualistic and mind-focused upbringing I received,
started with a little book given to me in 1969:
Erich Neumann: Depth Psychology and New Thinking.
- in the Hebrew translation-

This new thinking really hit me over the head.

And there was no one to talk to.
And there is no one to talk to even now, - except YOU.
Then, when I was advised - at the time of my divorce
to take up professional client-to-client therapy
(as differentiated from a 10 months Gestalt group, I think in 1974,
and since 1977 the total conversion towards Reevaluation Counseling
-all this process - should you care -
is described in the series of "puzzle-piece 17"),
I chose Julia Neumann and worked with her for some months.
I also asked her, why her husband needed to die so prematurely.
She said: "We talked about that, when he fell ill with cancer.
And we felt, that the world just wasn't mature for his message."
It is mature now.
Because of you and me.

just 2 hrs ago I expressed fear with shouts and movements...
I couldn't 'feel' the real emotions, only the bodily pain....
there's much work to do

Yes

I bring them in (my family) our realm

I didn't understand this sentence.

I still am not sure, that I understand your hints in this passage,
unless you are hinting here at the beginning of the process,
which tonight culminated in your decision to stop the secrecy.

I had this 'intimacy' of you and me...and then I talked about my family....
it was a major decision here to take away some of the virtualness of our relationship

Is it still relevant to be more outspoken about this decision?
Did you mean, that you bring Us into the realm of your family,
or your family into the realm of Us?
E. , Y. N,
what musical names!
Is it you who invented your kids' names,
or do they exist in French?
Is Y. written with an alef or an 'ayin?
N. associates Noel - certainly not your intent-
and my eldest granddaughter, R.'s double,
who writes her name in English Ellah,
to my regret,
because it must be Elah, as the tree and as Goddess.

and put more of my life into it,
more of my life into the work with you,
probably as an "entree" to what I write next.
although this exchange is private (not secret)
something important to feel through......................

you mean the secrecy hiding under "the hood of privacy"?

my life is like a cupboard of separate drawers...
sad how life and 'experience'

oh really?

have brought me to make compartments
and I know this has always been the right choice

has it?

still it has been my dream
to have always all and everything in the open
because I believe in my good intentions.
and in the good intentions of those close to me.

What have "all and everything" to do with "good intentions"?
And what are "good" intentions anyway?
If you fear to attract judgments and triggers,
because you are not yet balanced and whole,
as you said tonight,
and worse, if you fear to experience,
that you are causing pain to others,
who are not yet able to take responsibility for attracting this pain,
or even ready to work it out with you,
then "good intentions" are what tradition says they are:
the steps to Hell.

I'm not critisizing, my friend,
I'm only a sounding board for your inner voice,
which knows all this.
Which knows, that all you need to do,
is to let go of bullshitting,
and instead face the fears, I pointed out,
move those fears,
accept those fears
and listen to your life,
until it will show you,
when and how to ACT.

accepting others' limits has always been a difficult thing with me
especially when their limits affect me
my vision

to have always all and everything in the open?

when 'the open' is a 'special' relationship
or maybe this is a reaction to my utter fright/fear of the world,
of conflict, of facing anger and hate, or coldness
I remember part of a song I wrote a few years ago
about this crocodile under my bed
after I read this, crocodiles in several versions and situations appeared in my life
and I seem not to have been able to uphold my vision alone
and it seems that I have never been able
to share/create this vision with anyone

~~~Cradling and cuddling~~~

redfield is james i.e. the author of "Celestine prophecy".

What was meaningful for me in that book,
was the description,
of how I increase the power of even a flower by my loving attention.
The proof is certainly seen right now around my veranda and windows.
Ronnit said, when she had a speedy peek lately:
"Only you can make such flowering happen."
And the other info I took in, has to do with being invisible to people.
"They won't even see you."
This was and is extremely helpful.

walsh is conversations with goddy

I knew that - for a change - and didn't ask you,
but since you mention it:
it's helpful to some of my friends, but - again - not to me.
I was satisfied, that "God" in Godchannel gave me the justification for this.
Though for some reason, not understood by me, he "owns" the CWG
as he "owns" the monstrous "Course in Miracles",
he stresses, that the Mother is still denied there.

to be absolutely alone
and not to search for the illusory companion ...

I understand that this was not 'a message'
in the sense of something I had to understand
but something I was asked to renounce
as it would be to renounce this dialogue
as it would be to renounce life
as it would be to lift off
and forget about my longing
for this is what is left now
a longing for home
heart

YES

if you publish without me being part of the process
of connecting with you and the feelings that would want to publish this
if you would ask me
and i would go thru this
alone

Those options of the "test" I gave you, were silly.
Of course, I wouldn't publish anything without asking you.
["of course?" Well, I do this now, on Yom Kippur 2008!
For I am not allowed to contact you for the sake of asking!]

But the point, which I didn't succeed in making clear, was:
Would you be ready to even listen to me in wanting it to publish,
just as I am ready to listen to your not wanting it to publish?

You see, - when you move your pain about being hit with "coldness",
what comes to my mind is the "R.-reaction":
It is so absolutely self-understood
that the person who wants "discretion" , is right,
and that I who want "transparency" , am wrong,
that people, even closest friends, even lovers,
allow themselves to simply overpower me with this "value",


However much learning has been done between us
about "winning each other over"
(my slogan, which already the youngest grandkids grow up with),
----- when it comes to "discretion",
then MY feelings and needs have no right to even exist,
let alone be heard.

I did this self-pitying now, in order to "prove" to you,
that I HOPE, I would never do such a thing to you:
to impose on you what I think is right,
without first listening to you why it would be an imposition for you,
even if in the end I could not renounce what I needed for myself,
like in the case of R.,
and would have to live with the fact, that I AM overriding.

as most of the work I have been doing these last 10 years
being triggered-moving
and back to me
without a real sharing
always a limited sharing

This is shocking for me, my friend.
What you wrote in that "wholefamily" website
about you and your wife,
the cooperation, cocreation and "profound love"
let me hope for "something new under the sun"!
one that takes into consideration the limitations of the other
and one that protects me from judgments (both from myself and others)

and I am someone who works best with dialogue
because of my 'going in depth into emotions and ideas',
too often without respect for self or balance
my main defense mechanism is 'not knowing',
or 'unconsiousness' or "not feeling"
the best way for me to work is then
within a bond
within a relation
where I can feel safe
where I can feel heard
where I can feel meaningful
for my own eyes seem not to suffice

~~~~~cradling and cuddling~~~~~~

You mentioned "SHAME" before.
This is too big an issue to be started now.
But let's begin:
Nietzsche says in "Zarathustra":
"Der Mensch ist das Tier, das rote Backen hat",
"Man is the animal with the red cheeks."
Which connects directly to the etymology
of "adam" and "adom',
and the fact, that the first and only feeling
actually mentioned as a feeling in the bible,
is "Shame".

But my almost incessant feeling of shame
seems to be different from yours.
"When there's a time for us, some day a time for us"
(Westside-Story , hear the video of this song),
then you shall explain to me this passage:

I am sometimes ashamed of this need/fear

I am not judging this need, nor should you.
I am only judging people's ideology and morale around "privacy",
without people's awareness of the underlying fear of being judged

it is the judgment
which is like a trickle
that I only see when conscious of how it may stop me
render ashamed
ashamed of my own weakness
this is a major point here
a weakness here I thoroughly hate

I do not truly understand the shame and the hate.
Maybe I didn't understand your fear?


I shared this with you, not because I needed a therapist ...
but because I am at a loss with concern to the problem,
how to neither override others, nor to let others override me.
This central condition of existence,
the balancing between all individual wills,
seems to be impossible to achieve
as long as we all are so unhealed
concerning the overriding all of us received.

I feel you are struggling with things of essence
this conflict is something I am learning from
...it might be about transparency,
or 'everything you always wanted to know
on how not to get overriden by others
and remain true to your self without
having to live a warriors life'
I think there's something in this last sentence...

I pondered about your emphasis on
how not to get overriden by others,
while mine is:
how to not override others.

It's my yearning for honesty ("such a lonely word" , video),
first of all honesty with myself....
there is a purpose for having chosen this flaw.
I am a pioneer of transparency.
I am a pioneer of being, living and saying what I am,
without crumbling under the tons of judgments thrown at me.
I am a pioneer of reaping the wonderful rewards of being true,
as represented in the four Hebrew alefs:

'ahavah love is possible, when there is 'emoun trust
'emoun is possible, when there is 'aemaet truth,
'aemaet is possible, when the is 'ometz courage,
but 'ometz is not a quality of character,
'ometz is achieved time and again,
when I move and accept my fear,
the fear of being judged by you,
the fear of loosing you,
the fear of hurting you.

But if I am right in being transparent on my site,
(though far from being totally transparent!!!),
it does not mean, that I am not overriding.
And I can't get away with differentiating between
"I am not overriding you, it's you who feels being overriden."
Because it's me who has to bear the consequences.
And by consequences I don't mean the possible lawsuit.
I mean the pain, which I feel, when I see another being in pain.
It always boils down to the one thing:
to feel, move and accept, what there is to feel.

let me try to remind you
by remembering
that the pain I feel from others
is my pain
-so here I feel the word 'attract' is somewhat out of place-

True!

for I am all
the world at large
the world within
the pain of a dog
and that I have put a clear line of forgetting between me an the world

have you?

for I chose to live the world as separate
as distinct
so I would not have to feel the pain of the dying earth

I feel it

so I would not feel the pain of my father and mother
of their crumbling world

I feel it now

of their sentiment of insufficiency

and now

of their feeling of loneliness and terrible horrible fate
of their being abandoned
and left alone
my father's mother died at his birth

and now

my first mother's mother died on her 12 years after a few years of terrible illness

and now

her second mother died too.. of that same illness

and now

my grandfather was sent to auschwitz, although he returned...

"although"? To have died there, might have been easier.
But then you wouldn't be you and we might not have met.

my father roamed the roads of belgium at 9 years, with at his hand my cousin
they used to steal fruit and sometimes find a few months of schooling in convents

I feel it, I see it, I'm with them

it took us (me and my sister) years to get some of this information out
my parents kept everything inside
and this was best for them
for it all was to no avail

Yes

nothing except silence made sense
and not even that
nothing made silence
nothing made sense

Yes

there wasn't even real silence
so their pain is yours

Yes

not because you are triggered (although you are)
but because you are she

Yes

and now I can see I am them
it is simple

It is simple

maybe it is easier now to know what to do

"to do"?
No.
Only what not to do.
Not to increase the pain by projecting and blaming.
Not to be defensive, not to be "right".

I don't know
but I have to feel about this

Please do

this is how this stupid new age message
"I am the world" makes sense
such softness in me....................
even the dear dear is soft now
with love
Mar


Mar-Mar as one word exists only in Arabic,
among the languages I've learnt:
"marble".
But there is the "Sea of Marmara", which separates Europe from Asia,
and there is the water of "my" SaltSea, which tastes bitter,
and there is the combination of Mirjam / Maryam, "bitter sea",
and that is, what has to be lived now, by me, and maybe , by you,
Water, the Sea, and the bitterness of the SaltSea,
what Godchannel calls:
"Following the Mother into Hell".

But there is hope :
turn the Hebrew word around and you get ??
[ram = high, lofty, exalted]

in love
MARYAM

2003_05_17- 19:59

Mar
And since you , YOU, are the one,
who knows the reason why my presence triggers,

do I?
a long time I have watched this sentence
searching the I
this capital YOU
a tough a mythological beings lies behind there

I meant,
that you have spelt it out somewhere:
My presence triggers because I force people
to be in contact with themselves,
without even saying or doing anything,
by my very presence.
And as to the mythological being:
Yes, I am, and so are you.
Godchannel [Letter from God to those doing the Healing Work]:

"And as you look backward,
you will see your life in terms of a path
that has been leading inexorably
to your own greatness as a whole being.
You will find you have new understandings
of your true identity,
and a sense of yourself as a mythic figure.

I would like you to leave everything that can be postponed,
certainly the reading of or responding to my letters,
and to read this file into depth,
I suggest, that you read it in both, the original file
http://www.godchannel.com/humansltr.html
and the edited file.
http://www.empower.co.il/healingkiss\edited godchannel documents\humansltr.htm
As I still don't know, why I cannot just put the link here for you,
please find it through pp33, left frame:
A Letter from God to Those Doing the Healing Work

it might mean, that there is a sign on the horizon,

that with your help
and together with you
I may come out of hiding.

Thank you for having expanded my sentence,
to include YOU.

Maryam

2003_05_17 – 22:40

My friend within

do not doubt that I do the work now
that I choose to be triggered
that we have evolution here and continuation

maybe there was only love and laughter
but there were things said I do not understand
and this triggered me
I did not project here -I think-
not without the consciousness
of using you and my words
as mirrors and triggers

I understand now.

bear with me here

When you ask for this, it's so easy.
But when a hole in my wholeness is triggered,
I shrink and forget about you.
But now, that we are past the storm,
so much confidence has grown,
and I might be less prone
to fall into unconsciousness,
not even being aware,
that it's not me whom you are ridiculing,
and that really all that you need from me,
is to remain there -witness- while you fight it out.

But then, of course, there is the other truth,
that those holes in my wholeness attract the triggers,
to indicate, that they now want to be healed.

If we only keep committed to each other,
and never let a trigger make one of us chicken out,
then our healing work together will become something so wonderful,
that I don't even have a name for it.

I just feel it!

I've yearned for it.

I've also some experience in it...
but there was no continuation,
and not because someone was running away.
[I meant David...]

With you I feel that the time is ripe.
At least in the circumstances that we find ourselves in:
not meeting physically, not even on the phone,
not sharing any doing together, leave alone living together.
Though all this "not, not, not" is painful and sometimes unbearable,
it is exactly as it's necessary for both of us,
at this stage of our healing process,
and the healing process of humanity.

I've written this passage as if channeled.
I hardly know, what I'm talking about.
And I don't want to think about it either.
I just trust,
and I feel excitement and joy.
Maybe that's why I called my local web-site "joy",
and from there it became part of my e-mail address.

Yes, my friend-within,
I've been feeling so much and so deep joy ,
because of ~~~~ US.

 

 

I want to remind you of our peer-hood
and me sticking to it
I never stopped believing
in our ability to communicate
or share
I have perfect confidence here
and I will continue
to allow me
to be triggered by you
for this is right for me
I just needed the space ...(and following your reactions..I was right..)
so as not to get into a frenzy of triggers and re-triggers and re-re triggers
until we had created a knot difficult to untie..

I am calming down
emotions are coming in clearer
I feel I have more time to let them evolve
(it was sometimes difficult to let them evolve
when I knew there was another letter of yours waiting to be read)





but rest assured
that even if I permit myself to be triggered
and even if I permit myself to 'blame' you
and even if I permit myself to 'be sarcastic'
or anything towards you
it is not you....
it is mine you are helping me to see


why do you care about those who deny you?
why do you care about those who hurt you?
why do you care about those who threaten you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

you may have an answer somewhere

but I just have cold cold cold anger
for the unfeeling unlovingness
do you attract her
or do you call her
and what is the difference?

















well, come here mother R.
let R. be the witness of rachel's pain
let you be the memory of the unheard fear
hysteria of the world
she's a bitch in heat
why these words?
why the sexual connotation?
where in your body do you keep R.?
she's there next to you as a ball of anger and hate
jealousy
I see her drooling
and the flames
did I write well, come??
this is some input I can give you now
can you talk to her? talk to her shadow....

I feel something wrong in your hityahasut [relating] to tomer
not in your relationship
but the place he takes in some other thought-set


he's some kind of a savior of your soul

one that would justify something


maybe much of your pain
maybe your choices
maybe the overriding???
if he comes out right
it will all make sense.........

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sent: Sunday, May 18, 2003 11:10 PM
Subject: after early lag baomer

Just came back from the lag baomer medoura bonfire
it was kinda fun
interesting
as I find out lately
that I'm sometimes as now [new?] in the organisation
although truth is it is E. who organized it
I just went because she couldn't be there
I might even not have gone.. as I usually avoid these kind of occasions
well... I liked it
I just wanted to send you a few pictures of my family I just got developed
from this Sinai holiday
then I'll take a shower
and feel out what needs to be worked on, talked about..
tenderness and joy
M

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2003_05_18 – 0:02

My Peer

I feel a bit guilty and ashamed because of this.
Now again, there are too many letters in your box.
But I'm not uncontrolled, far from undisciplined.
I carefully choose to what to respond.
I sculpt almost every line.
But the "too much", which is Me, cannot be minimized more.
I must trust YOU, that you guard your boundaries.







thank for saying this again so clearly.


Good question.
But "I do care" is the essence of my essence.
I have no problem with that.
The problem is, that I give them power over me,
as you pointed out,
or at least make them believe, that I do,
thus confusing them,
thus making them feel guilty,
hating themselves even more,
and therefore Me even more,
my goodness drives them crazy
(my husband after one year of marriage, to someone:
"There is nothing worse
than living with a person, who is only good.")
My "Loving Heart" prevents redemption.
But I cannot change this alone.
It's parallel to what you said about your blindness,
and that you need to do the work in a dialogue,
in a bond, where you feel received.

If "lack of discretion" is a flaw,
then "Loving Heart" is a crime.
I noted the pp23,
where I describe the extreme shock,
when I really "got" this finally.
Theoretically, at least.
What makes this crime so malicious, is,
that the overall "value" of all religions is
to have a "Loving Heart".

It's easy to quit being "bad",
because everyone points it out to me.
But to quit being "good" is an impossible mission,
because almost no one from among those who hate me,
can point out to me , why they feel like that.
And they feel bad for feeling like that .

If I would die (which unfortunately I won't),
I would ask to engrave on my tombstone:
"The one, whose highest goal was,
to make people love and appreciate themselves,
but who, by her very doing and being
achieved most of the time the opposite."
It's a tragicomedy,
take it with a sense of humor.

 

Yes, that's part of the "Loving Heart",
the call for the victimizer.

This Shabbat morning something happened:
On my way to reach your "oldest" e-mail,
I came across a Webshot entry,
and though I didn't feel like opening it
and downloading the 5 pictures-allowed-per-day,
I did open it, just to see, if I maybe could delete it rightaway.

The first picture I opened struck me.
It was a "black-faced sheep", a mother with her lamb.
Without any further thought I opened the page called
Appendices-List with that entry about my names.
I deleted the 2 images representing sheep
and inserted the rakhael and the lamb.
And in doing so, I felt driven, really driven,
to tell the whole story, well not the whole,
but the part, that can be digested , if at all.
Rakhael as the symbol of the victim.
Rakhael, the animal, the mothersheep
and Rakhael, the woman, the Mother of Israel,
they are both victims.
But isn't mother Mary too?

I hear you, I feel that you see me,
but I need your eyes to guide me.
Please check the letter I sent R.,
a week ago,
I felt really whole and even cheerful,
when I encouraged her "to say it all",
and - how fantastic - no answer since,
no realization of the new threat,
that I'll get a letter which will list all my crimes

Please point this out.



I can't see this


this is true, but the something is not what you assume,








but what I explain - so somewhat disguised - in the pages:
"hameqayem nefesh akhat..."
["whoever helps one soul live..." see on first Mar-Mar page, Sept. 30, 2008 ]
That I was able to relate to this one child
with the same fervor, dedication and wholeness/totality,
which characterized my work "for the world",
(to mention only the major "projects":)
my thesis/German book/HebrewBook,
"Partnership" (Israel-Ismael) ,
Succah in the Desert
and all it's (unsuccessful) followers in
Sinai,
Eilat,
Metzuqe Dragot,
Ein-Gedi,
this proved to me that I was right in assuming
that I do not need "to do", and certainly not "great" things.
I only need to do, whatever I do,
be-khol levavi, u-ve-khol nafshi, u-ve-khol gufi.
"with all my heart and with all my soul, and with all my body"
(according to the Shema Yisrael, Deuteronomy 6)

That's also the way I love you-
be-khol levavi, u-ve-khol nafshi, u-ve-khol gufi.
Maryam

[attached letter from and to R. - see on first Mar-Mar page, Sept. 30, 2008]

 

2003_05_18 – 7:48

YOU!
Just check:
I sent you 2 letters before those you refer to,
one at 1.02 "NOW"
one at 17:33 "Another Shabbat with your letters"

As to "NOW", I'm a bit anxious to hear from you,
how you lived the 24 hours of coping with the "secrecy-issue".

I am holding back what I want to tell you from my side about that issue,
I am holding back a composition of three photos I made for you on Friday,
I have been with you and your coping "on the inside" so strongly~~~


But as for this frustration
the three responses are a great joy.
I swallowed them more than I read them,
let alone, to let them sink in and savor them,
I'll keep this delight for the intermissions in my work today,
until tonight.

"Tonight, tonight", [video]
this Westside Story is constantly echoing in my head and heart.
It belongs to the rare pieces of music, that touch me so deeply.

Just know, that I'm greatly amused by your "confrontation" with "God",
(sorry, if this is not the kind of resonance you need, I do feel your pain!)
though I myself feel none of the doubts and rages you've screamed,
it's exactly because of this,
that you gave me a gift,
in contrasting me like that!
For now I am even more astonished, astounded,
that almost every sentence in that file
receives an echo on my sounding-board,
which always means, doesn't it?
that "I've known it all along".

But my certainty certainly is so vast,
that there's space for your doubting,
certainly space for your struggling,
and the only thing I fear
(as I fear of any trigger I fear coming,
though I know, that if it will come,
it's an opportunity to heal),
is, that you may be triggered by my certainty,
judge me (that's not so bad)
and block off yourself or part of you
(that's bad, but after our "storm" - livable).

I'll relate into depth tonight,
and take the 12 minutes left,
to go on responding where I left at midnight.

ME

2003_05_18 – 23:36
tonight, tonight..
[this video starts with Maria's sentence: Imagine being afraid of you...]

I didn't know then, that I too would be out - once in 3 months-
and come , run home so late,
fix myself a quick supper
and eat it while immersing myself in your photos.

Two of several reactions:
1) I wished I were your little daughter
2) Through Y.'s eyes it's you whom I see
looking from somewhere deep in,
far off into this world.

Since there will be no time at all
proportionally to all I wanted to tell you and say to you,
I'll just copy here one of the breaches of discipline:

8.58 Just one interruption
Under the pool-shower an insight:
My guilt and projection of my time-pressure-pattern on you are gone:
You were the one who wrote:

"Thank you for letting me work with you."

So if I relate to our dialog as a kind of "intensive" for you
(of course also for me, but I "have time")
then it's not too bad to demand,
that this will take you 2 hours a day for the time being.
So just go for it, and so shall I! 09:01


Say some words about "the" organization.
And doesn't the being "perceived as a central figure" ring a bell?
ON what beach at the REd Sea were these photos taken?

I had a series of coincidences today.
One had to do with "Capoeira". [video]
That's where I was tonight,
a graduation ceremony,
in which Rotem (will be ten this week) was involved.
I must interrupt my many projects on my site
and sculpt this experience in the page,
with which the coincidence happened
("Communication with Deity>2002_02_16",
if it's not a puzzle piece I mention,
then the path always starts from the Overview on the Appendices List.)

But something I cannot reveal on the site,
is, that the Capoeira fight-dance is the best analogy I can think of
for what I want to see happening between us
and already see happening.

The sound of your mail.
Isn't this a beautiful announcement - this sound?

M

2003_05_19 – 0:00

I've simply let it be
for now
as I decided not to force it
the issue has been noticed
I have decided to 'resolve' it
I have decided to feel what needs to be felt here


I have decided to focus on it

and then
I got slightly triggered by your letter yesterday

that brought me to the issue of trust


and I realised there was something much stronger here
that needed to be addressed
so I went on to that one

But my certainty cetainly is so vast,
HOW?





somehow (strangely??) I didn't..
judge
but do I believe?


well as long as I don't start answering
that I just read you
now unbelief is back in
(wasn't there 10 lines ago)

but here I'll also respect my tiredness

l say on this day
peace (interesting, that's not one of my terms..)
happiness
joy
and the search for me
with you
PS; I've really realized I've been so self-centered in all our exchange


...but that's ok and good

and thinking about how I had closed down shop -keeping the world OUTSIDE
our Nigerian 'cleaner man'
who came telling me about all the 'deportations' going on

and a dead bird in front of my house
later still I thought of all the places I haven't been ME,
or honest in our exchanges
this is frightening,

to share
but this will be later
much later....
there's like you sugegsted much work to be done this way
but every one of your letter I read and re-read
and they nourish me
nourish my soul
nourish my hope
that I am not deluding myself
I know you are
but still I need to ask you:
Stay Around

 

Yes

Yes


by what? please tell me soon

towards whom? between whom? concerning what?





will you share this?


What do you mean by "how"?
I'll go into your combat more deeply.
But just know, that I enjoy a good satire,
like the one from the Green Book,
which I couldn't help quoting
in that puzzle piece (46),
which I created as outlet for my sarcasm,
and the "Doctrine of Shit", also there.
You may add one that defines GC.

Believe what, I don't get you here and would so much like to.










so shalI I, despite mailing off this letter










I've realized the same about myself...



exactly, for both of us






in Nigeria?






but if you are aware of it and will tell me,
I can bear it

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Do

Sent: Sunday, May 18, 2003 12:32 AM
Subject: Re: Last letter today-relax!

Maryam

just to tell you that I have read
the letters -[I didn't really get which of the two or both you sent]
but the long one
made me laugh

you are absolutely great

fantastic

this is so right
absolutely right

completely

I don't know what compels me to write this but

I'm so proud of you

now this brings me elation
something close to joy

MAR

(the short one remains unfinished..as though anger was hanging there)

2003_05_19 – 7:22

MAR

[I just now looked it up in my Hebrew Even-Shoshan,
it has two additional meanings,
one "the Master" , i.e. when they wanted to say:
rabbi so and so said: "Mar said",
and - new to me - it's a tool to dig in the earth.
I think both meanings are truly appropriate!]

I wanted to have more than an hour with you this morning.
There is such a long day after that
for "only" imaginary - many - talks with you.
How insatiable I am!
For my longs days are the happiest anyone can wish for in the present time-period,
- filled with the jouissance of spring and creating and singing/dancing/swimming, -
no kids today, but who knows.
I don't like interruptions, surprises
in my magnificent routine and all-one-ness,
but when they happen, like yesterday,
I open my heart and mind (I love my mind!) and rake it all in.

There are responses to most of the things you wrote ,
they sculpted themselves in my imagination.
I desire to spell them out for you to read,
"but there never seems to be enough time
to do the things you want to do,
once you find them"
(do you know this love-song?)
but now I find myself troubled
and sharing it with you must get preference.

Instead of kneeling at the computer at 6.45,
I felt, I needed to finally get a word from Michigan, my children.
Their temporary abode has no internet, their phone number is different.
We finally got connected, and the news unsettle me.
They cannot stay in the US.
I proposed to them already when Immanuel was sacked (April 12),
that they could live in my flat and I would go somewhere.
This was fine then, but now - to be without computer and internet?
It's "silly" to worry.
That's why I wanted to "move" it - with YOU.

The rest of what I shared is so confused,
that I must delete it, since time runs out.

Let me only quote what you wrote yesterday,
though I don't know to what your laughter and appreciation refers:
it gave me great joy.

May you "dig deep" and feel "The Master" of your life today.

MAR
Sent: Sunday, May 18, 2003 12:32 AM
Subject: Re: Last letter today-relax!

>
> Maryam
>
> just to tell you that I have read
> the letters -[I didn't really get which of the two or both you sent]
> but the long one
> made me laugh
>
> you are absolutely great
>
> fantastic
>
> this is so right
> absolutely right
>
> completely
>
> I don't know what compels me to write this but
>
> I'm so proud of you
>
> now this brings me elation
> something close to joy
>
> Marc
>
> (the short one remains unfinished..as though anger was hanging there)
>
>

2003_05_19-22:15

My Friend Within

why did you cut me off?

Where, when, why did I cut you off?

should I let myself be 'triggered" here?
or am I just getting myself worked-up
am i creating whatever you would want me to think
am I reacting to the role you have taken?

Maybe you mean:
Am I reacting to the role you, Maryam, have cast me, Mar, into?
For certainly you are reacting to the role,
you, Mar, have cast me, Maryam, into!

or am I really talking to you?

why did you cut me off?

this will take me down

I cut the flow

10:48 Another interruption, forgive me, Discipline.
Another insight,
a result of my long wail to you about being shut out from music,
which your interior presence and imagined exterior listening
made me permit myself.

I suddenly understood that It was me,
who conditioned myself for this life,
to be confined to a level of music,
both as listener and as practitioner
which does not allow me to relish in great art,
neither by listening nor by engaging in it,
for I was not supposed to run ahead of the humankind I care for.
I had to be frustrated outside both gates,
"your" music and "my" music,
so that in the end I would find a way to make others participate,
not for the sake of artistic expression,
though this might be a secondary outcome,
but for the sake of healing.
It happened during my routine "sama'a" spin.

When that singing-dancing couple Jeanne White Eagle and John Pearson
came to visit me,
they brought me their disc, which is unusual, to say the least:
they recorded 16 pieces of improvised singing of vocals, not words,
each of them underlined by one instrument, a didgeridoo, or viola, or bells.
It's mostly harmonious, but even dissonances are fine, it's life.

We did this singing rightaway here in my flat.
It was so elating, that before we parted,
I asked to sing together again and recorded it.
In listening to it I find the harmony unbelievable.

I was often singing overtones together with my dancing.
But now, when dancing, I join the people and instruments on the disc,
interweaving my own melody or ostinato
[musical term for dwelling on one tone or a repeated chain of tones)
singing - like them - only vocals,
with or without my (not yet very skilled) overtones.
This feels exhilarating.
And now the insight:
I've been frustrated all along
with the way I inserted - not integrated -
songs and dances on my site.
I knew from the start,
that my only goal with "adding sound" was,
to make people feel, not only think,
and to make them get up and join me,
singing and dancing.
But the result of my great endeavors is so poor,
let alone the utter lack of feedback,
that I feel very triggered even writing this.
Now what this couple does in workshops and during their visit here,
is what I would like to happen to people who are guided to my site.
I don't know yet,
how and when I'll change the whole aspect of sound there,
but having this experience of being no longer alone,
not in my thinking and feeling -
for technology allows me to be with YOU,
and not in my singing and dancing,
for technology allows me to join those singers,
I'll find out what to do, when the time will be right.

[Yom Kippur, October 9, 2008 -Nothing has changed so far.
In the synagogue - Ne'ilah - to which Meital dragged me,
the men were singing, but I was outside, physically and ....
I squeezed myself upstairs into the women's "apartment",
but felt even more out of place with them and at their place.
Singing together?????????????????????????]

Addition on 2003_05_19:
As I said, my friend, this double insight
resulted from both:
my long wail in your presence,
and my experience with that singing.
But that is not all:
My quantum leap with Rotem yesterday
concerning her recorder lesson with me,
is an indirect, but practical application
of what I've learnt.
[>appendices>biographicalSculptures>grandmotherhood-Rotem]


2003_05-19____21:38

How strange, I was about to take up the thread, where I left 2 days ago,
and find the following tying in with what came to me today:
that our time may be limited to 7 weeks from today.
[It was limited to 2 more weeks only!]
I intend to share this feeling with you, maybe even tonight,
but only after I'll have responded to all the letters.

too intense here
[who wrote this? and the following?]
If there should come a time for separation,
it would be first of all by mutual agreement,

what f.... mutual agreements?
there cannot be a mutual agreement

Oh yes, there can,
separating must not be less loving than uniting,
and if one is without the other,
the electricity will be gone,
and with it life,
and with it love.
But I understand,
that you talk about something that happened in the past
and I listen with all my heart.

you left
and that was it
you never came back
and I still don't believe this is you
I'm just working in a frenzy of my own imagination
and I cannot see you in this woman rachel christa maryam bat adam rosenzweig
I cannot see you anywhere
and I don't even have a tear for you
Left to fend alone
got to the highest possible development of whom I could become alone
and its only shit
because the world is coming to a close
and is dying
without you
so if I don't believe who am i fucking talking to
(excuse the vulgarity.. but it helps)

no need to apologize, I know, it helps

I am really afraid of losing YOU
and afraid to believe it isYOU
and I remember one more cue..
this song you remembered when looking in the mirror
-Maria, Maria [video]

Yes, this is me, Maria, Maria!
I made those 3 quick shots of myself,
not posing, not manipulating,
and if I would have sent them,
I would have titled them:
"I feel charming,
it's alarming
how charming I feel
...
for I'm loved by"
[video]
a man,

w h o  i s   i n   c o n t a c t   w i t h   h i m s e l f ,

a n d   t a k e s   r e s p o n s i b i l i t y   f o r   w h a t   h e    c r e a t e s .

and things will fall into place yes
but is it true
is all of this true?
or are we both just playing a stupid game


what could be the only reason for me to walk away
and not in the future, but right now:
If you would cast me in a role,
in which I would not be able to love myself.

cryptic
but holds a meaning i still can't grasp
and remind you i do not cast you in any role
I cast myself only

No, right now we are not talking the same language.
Often on my site, and lately in the Yael-pages
I quote "All the world is a movie set" from GC>reality 2
(I finally do what you do and used these initials for Godchannel,
but it never fails to perplex me,
for in my youth I signed CG - Christa Guth...)
I don't know how to sign right now, for there will be more soon .
I feel embedded in you, embraced

 

2003_05_19 – 23:52

" more soft and warm light
like a blanket of hands and softness holding you"

What I want is for you to say is :
Yes I know you have always acted as good as you could,
the best you could,
yes your intentions were always pure,
yes you have always tried to do
what you thought was best for you and the world,
yes I know that you didn't intend to hurt me or anybody.
I also know that you are great,
that you are fantastic,
that you are a most wonderful person
with so much to give
and so much to share
and so much to discover
and so much to create.
You have so much value,
it is so fantastic that you are alive,
it is just so fantastic to be so close to you.
Just being close to you touches me,
heals me to the bottom of my soul.

YES, YES, YES, OH YES!

I WANT TO HEAR IT
and I want to believe it
i want to know what will make me believe this

This is what I meant,
and what you called "cryptic",
that the criterion for knowing that I'm loved,
is that I love myself,
and all these expressions of your greatness
signify that you love yourself,
when you, Mar, feel loved by me, Maryam.

never really liked puzzzzzzzzzzzzzles

too bad, since the first part of my site is based on this image.
I'll try to avoid it with you whenever possible
and use instead the word "composition".
But what is triggering for you in this image?
I once heard, how this phenomenon came into being:
Someone caused death by a car accident
and sat in prison for a year.
He was bored and took newspapers and cut them into pieces
and composed them again: a puzzle.
I think that's a good, though somewhat sarcastic , analogy
for God and Creation.


And I'm so disciplined! I would like to ask so many more questions!
....
But that cannot help me with the feeling of sadness,
that millions, billions of things haven't been shared and never will .

ask
dear
if you're really interested

what do you mean by "if" ???
Every tiny detail interests me,
even how it feels for you, a man, to go to the loo and pee.
But is there time to even ask, leave alone to answer?
I mentioned the song
"Time in a bottle".
[video] [and another one -1972-with scense from his life with wife and son]
I don't know the name of the author,
[it was Jim Croce and he died in an air-crash already in 1973]
but I know, that he got killed in a plane accident half a year later.
The song was given to Immanuel, when he was 14, by his English teacher,
who obviously was a little in love with him:
Immanuel played it on the guitar and we sang it together many many times
in the years when we still sang.

I quote what is relevant NOW!

If I could save time in a bottle
the first thing that I'd like to do
Is to save every day
Till Eternity passes away
Just to spend them with you

If I could make days last forever
If words could make wishes come true
I'd save every day like a treasure and then
Again, I would spend them with you
But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them

for I would like to share all the things that are real
and go to the deep end of them
and work work work work
till I'll be so tired and so full of triggers
I could cradle in our hug and go to sleep,
or scream my heart out,
and you would still be there
until all would calm down again
and all be forgiven
or all mis-understandings were thrown back into the sea.

Oh Yes!

we intend to go on and work together in 'couple' therapy..
we'll see if it works..

I feel a tiny bit jealous,
and a tiny bit suspicious (are you up to it as the couple you are?)
and a bit judgmental,
because I believe, a couple has to be taught to counsel each other.
At least, that's what I've done, with some success, even for money,
but most of all my children and of course I've worked according to it
in my own relationships.
I say, I have, in the past,
because now I have no relationship, by choice.
That's why I can be so whole, so total with you.
And I know, you cannot respond in kind,
nor should you.
I only would like to know more about the people in your life,
and I would like you to utilize well the short time which is given to us,
and give it some priority

Then in July my mother died
(we -my sister and i- had brought her from Belgium 2 + years ago
as she was very sick, to be close to her.
And this was a great experience.... )

I did the same many years ago,
brought my mother here,
overriding my children and my woman partner,
but won over everyone in a short time.
She didn't recognize me, thought I was my sister,
and she was always on the verge of death because of a bladder infection.
But she lived for a year and a half,
and it was not difficult for me, the diapers, the craziness.
And then one day I felt, she was leaving:
She said 3 times she must be free,
one of them was "free from Ramat-Gan".
A painting hang above her bed:
"You are living with Christel in Ramat-Gan in Israel".

So she got it somehow,
that I was keeping her alive,
because it was the only way to heal myself.
All possible therapy, all my work had done only little.
Even after 10 years of marriage
I dreamt about my mother, night after night, often nightmares.
Was it the same with you?
Did your mother too give you a chance for healing yourself
by taking care of her?

When I was one year old,
my mother wrote sometimes a diary about me,
and there was written:
"today there had to be tears again."
because she had to beat me up for peeing into the diapers.
NOw she was old and our HIgher Selves, or whatever
created the absurd situation,
that she would need me to treat her with diapers,
and at that time 1983-5 there were not yet "titulim" for grownups.
Her "character" had shed the dark side
and she was sweet like a baby,
but needed care like a baby.

A day after she had said: I must be free,
I felt she would die.
And I asked her in the morning:
Where are you going?
She said: to Jerusalem.
She didn't know, that I would indeed bury her in Jerusalem.
Jerusalem for Christians is nothing geographical.
But there she is , buried in the Templer cemetery,
exactly opposite the road called Rachel Immenu.
Her death was so peaceful
and the funeral, created by me, so moving for my children and friends.
Immanuel - a carpenter as one of his many skills - made her coffin,
because they wouldn't allow us to bury her without.

IN addition to the inner healing
it was a gift for me to have had a structure for day and night
not too much work, for I'm extremely fast in household things etc.
- I was working as a teacher for teachers that time -
I mean a structure as I had when the kids were little.
Most of my life I found it so unbearable to live,
and not at all because of anything or anyone exterior,
that a structure of little things that were expected from me
helped me function.
Today , of course, I know exactly how to structure my time,
and by the way, it's now some months,
that I haven't had "a depression" for one day.
Whow, that was a long story to a short information.
Please don't let it shut you down,
but rather animate you to do the same: tell me stories!

since then..and a break of a few weeks I took around the mourning
my clinic has gone downwards until today it is nearly non-existent
so that apart for the fact that I am missing this kind of work...
I'm into money issues).
maybe these issues are pushing me in other-new directions-

I'm sure they will!
.
I also wish to tell you
that this awakening of me through you
has in the last few days already created
emotional movement and readiness
to resolve some issues I have with my sister
(although we are really close and loving)
and with an old friend of mine.

I am very glad!

May I borrow your ending?
a carpet of tenderness to touch your soul

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2003_05_20-7:22
From Me Within to You Within

Dear old friend

took respite from working with the secrecy issue and took a long
4-pages peep and

I am in awe and respect (what a strange word)
from all you are doing with the children around you
and with Yael

this is beautiful

Mar

let's get to the point here
because what is needed of me
-or so it seems-
is trust that my choice is correct
some of you will be embodying divinity here on Earth...
as Bodies that will endure and thrive for eternity,
regardless of what form you may
choose from time to time.
However, in order for this outcome to be possible for you,
you must choose it completely


let me tell you this
I don't!
I don't trust
I may trust
that some of the approaches and outlines in ruow and GC are good for me
I may trust that they may hold some truth
I may believe in some reality behind them
but I don't trust completely
and i fear of choosing this completely
for nothing and no-one
has ever shown anything to be like it was predicted
because no-one has ever told me the truth
because even when I thought something to be true
it wasn't
because none and nothing is really trustworthy
because changes in my life have often come by processes other than ruow
sometimes dramatically opposed to them
(at least in theory)
because it may all be brainwash stuff
and choosing is comitting to a way of thought





















































































Continuation on the first day of Succot, October 14, 2008

2003_05_20 – 23:56

My beloved Friend,

I'll permit myself a little breach of discipline and go on after midnight

... I was born 4.2.61 -aquarius-

Thank you for letting me know this.
My link is not my knowledge about Aquarius,
but the fact, that Immanuel was born 23.1.63.
As an illegitimate child from a father of 2 children,
who was not married to me, and a Jew.
"Do you know, why Hitler had to come"
yelled the professor, when I handed him my M.A. thesis
together with a photo of Immanuel at the age of 7 hours,
"because the Jewish bosses
always raped their secretaries or housekeepers".

I tell this only, to give you one nano of a hint,
what this birth meant to me and means to me
(I made a big powerpoint presentation of 100 photos and documents
about preganancy, birth and his first year for his 40th birthday)
and of what I think,
when I visualize your birth
around the same time of the year 2 years earlier...

I am opening to
and
following your lead
I'll be disciplined in when to allow myself to focus on touching you

I will discipline and focus on this issue NOW

it is about secrecy..

you being a secret in my life
us being a secret
although hidden under the hood of privacy

although there is nothing wrong here
and nothing wrong has been done
it might be considered
I might be blamed...
it might be not understood

on more than one occasion I have wanted to open this up.. with E.
I couldn't
and good I didn't
for not a few minutes passed
that a tension arose around an issue concerning friendship

you mean a friendship with another woman,
before or parallel to the friendship with me?

which although is ok.. the tension had passed unconsiously upon something other...
or not so 'other'

I couldn't understand that, but maybe you prefer me not understanding it

I also know I could present our exchanges as something not threatening
it would be a shame to loose this opportunity

I did not get this either!

I'll go on later
maybe tomorrow maybe tonight..

YOu didn't, but you'll find the right time

And I'll find the right time to help you in this.
(Font-size unintended)

No exterior letter from you today.
But you are within me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You took a peep,
and one day you'll look for what's behind the pictures.
There are layers of me, of all that is.

I wrote to Immanuel yesterday
(he connected through a library
and sent 3 letters concerning "Tomer on the Internet")
that I'm not transparent in most things,
but our understanding, of what is transparent and what not,
differs,
I need to get feedback,
and how ironic it is,
that there is no feedback at all to my site,
except the kind of what his sister said,
when I asked her if she'd found the Yael pages:
"no-one can find anything on your side,
everyone says so",
but that R. can find everything she wants,
and do with it what she wants.


I didn't tell him,
that yes there is
ONE , who gives me feedback,
ONE, who is touched,
ONE, who discovered something like pp28,
because that's the piece, he needed to read,
no one should find or read anything,
which is not relevant for him/her.
There is ONE,
who justifies my creation on the Web.

But now, this morning, there is no Server.
And I wonder, what this means.
For there are no accidents.
I'm glad I could send off all those letters yesterday.
But the letter, for which I got up so early
(for I want to go swimming,
before the quartet arrives for the whole day, Lag ba-Omer!)
the letter in which I want to take you with me into my feelings
about the finity of our time at this period of our lives,
this letter might not go out this morning.


I'm breathing deeply and trembling.







































Let me first respond to your "combat" (pronounced in French)
as I call your "confrontation" with GC.

It still makes me laugh to get such a demonstration of the truth
known to us two,
that each one attracts into his/her life, what s/he needs to.

This file, I wanted you to study in the orginal and in my edition,
gives so much information,
is conveying a whole world,
but you, Mar, picked from it a single phrase,
which I, Maryam, never even noticed,
or at least didn't care for,
the phrase about having to choose,
that I embody divinity,
that I feel like being a mythic figure.

What is there to choose, if I already do this, am this?
What I needed was the legitimation to feel like this,
and to stop fighting it,
and to stop feeling so guilty,
and therefore prone to be put down by the world.
Not that I reveal what I know to anyone,
because this is absolutely not relevant for anyone,
but the denial of greatness,
by "God" himself
(I quoted this in pp33b )
brings up the Hitlers and Sadaam Husseins.
And THAT's what this Letter from God is about,
for ME.
To take responsibility for my greatness,
to finally - for it's been a long, long process before this info -
be whole with what I am.

And to yes, let me be comforted, by the idea
of the "almost virgin earth".
Because I never could figure out,
how I could ever be happy on a planet
which is destroyed
in a humankind which is in Hell,
but now I can figure it out,
without needing to escape the Hell.
What for you is a contradiction,
for me is complementary - finally,
how to follow the Mother into Hell,
and create Heaven on Earth,
at the same time.

I could make it logical, I think,
but that's not what you need.
YOu need to be triggered, I feel,
and what needs to be triggered
is the hole in your wholeness,
which is left there from all your strifes
for making sense of the suffering here,
and you tried to find "truth"
and couldn't.
I have done the same,
I could give details of it from the age of 6
when I never could fall asleep until around eleven
- a long time from eight, when we had to be in bed , even at the age of ten -
how I was torturing myself with many of the questions you raise,
and quite early in my life I did what you do here,
I swung thunderbolts against the God I knew
which in my case was the God preached in church.

I heard the sound of your mail after all,
and there are three letters
And I am excited,
but I won't open them now.
I want to send this
uncensored, uncorrected,
and then run to the pool (5 min. down, 7 min. up).

My heart is so full of tenderness for you,
it wants to spill over...
MARYAM

let's get to the point here
because what is needed of me
-or so it seems-
is trust that my choice is correct
some of you will be embodying divinity here on Earth...
as Bodies that will endure and thrive for eternity,
regardless of what form you may choose from time to time.
However, in order for this outcome to be possible for you,
you must choose it completely


let me tell you this
I don't!
I don't trust
I may trust that some the approaches and outlines in ruow and GC are good for me
I may trust that they may hold some truth
I may believe in some reality behind them
but I don't trust completely
and i fear of choosing this completely
for nothing and no-one
has ever shown anything to be like it was predicted
because no-one has ever told me the truth
because even when I thought something to be true
it wasn't
because none and nothing is really trustworthy
because changes in my life have often come by processes other than ruow
sometimes dramatically opposed to them
(at least in theory)
because it may all be brainwash stuff
and choosing is committing to a way of thought

 

that this awakening of me through you

has in the last few days already created
emotional movement and readiness
to resolve some issues I have with my sister
(although we are really close and loving)
and with an old friend of mine.

"I feel charming,
it's alarming
how charming I feel
...
for I'm loved by"
a man,
w h o  i s   i n   c o n t a c t   w i t h   h i m s e l f ,
a n d   t a k e s   r e s p o n s i b i l i t y   f o r   w h a t   h e    c r e a t e s .