Intro to Healing-K.i.s.s. 2001-2011
and Overview of its main libraries

[If you look for a word on this page,
click ctrl/F and put a word in "search"]

As the fruit of becoming whole = accepting all of myself, I desire:
to live and explore and evolve   L O V E   in my personal life
and to play my part in creating the conditions for Heaven-on-Earth
by radiating grate-full-ness, zest-full-ness and full-fill-ment
on the actors in my individual life-drama and on all human beings!

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5

6

7

1
2
3

How
Learn
And

Heal
Conditions
In

Myself
For
Creating

Into
Heaven
Those

Whole
On
Conditions

Self-acceptance
Earth
Daily

 

Northern Lights in October 2008 [Spaceweather.com]

Finland

 

 

 

 

 

Canada

 

 

 

 

 

 

Canada

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finland

 

 

 

 

 

 

Canada

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Norway

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Norway - see the Ursa major constellation on the sky

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Alaska

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Greenland

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Canada

 

 

 

May 21, 2003 1:26 AM
Subject: Re: 08:19

Maryam

this letter leaves me confused
but not in any way 'emotion-triggered' (yet?..)

except now for some fear...now,
as to what kind of an adventure you are proposing
and how I don't relate to this.......
and how far of me are you going with this.......
for this is not me.....this is not my 'language'
or my world or my history or my 'games -number and names-'
or my 'memories' touching again some of my unresolved incompetencies...
and I feel touched
and feel both an opening
and a 'limit setting' [e.g. this is not my game.....]
so at this time of night
I will sleep on what I do not understand
and read it again tomorrow
then I'll tell you how I feel more
and I might go with the thought
or I might not
anyway I do not judge
I only try to feel what is right for me
to go with now
how many days did you say?
do not forget
that I am not over the incapacity of having you love me so absolutely yet
and now I see why it grieves you so much
we do not speak the same language
and also that whatever will need to happen
will have to happen in the same language
and yours is not mine
and you said mine is not yours...maybe...
and maybe
maybe there is something else.......a bridge
for it seems very obvious that 'you cannot win me over here'
will I have the time to make a path to the bridge?
it has to be perfect me
perfect
a slow straight line of softness within that knows without knowing
fear is in the isles [aisles?]
more fear from the obvious untold you try to soften
sex that will not be....
.how cruelly and fearfully I have to state what you repeatedly say
but must say it to continue

closeness I dread

and still unresolved secrecy.........

I will not be part of a dream which is not mine.........
so it has to be perfect
if anything
and if you are looking for perfection in this 'ending'

I am not perfect or whole
or at least I havent' realized this yet
I could not play this part (yet????)

for this mystical union
i do not feel worthy or able

but maybe this dream of yours will trigger me into
perfection-wholeness

and I said I wasn't triggered...ha.......
sleep

Your old old friend
that is not used to this language

 

 

2003_05_21 – 0:01

My Beloved Within.

this time I must send something incomplete.
No order, and the last part is not even corrected.
But You must have this now.
It's the work of a day. A day only?
And then may the sky fall on me.

Now I'll expose you - and myself to my fear of you
to the kind of "plan",
which has triggered people-close-to-me to madness.

So now, I beg you, my friend,
do not read what follows - fast, not even the first time!

Dreams kept me alive in the dire reality of my childhood.
Once I spun a dream, which went on and on for half a year,
about having our own house,
which had such details as a tap,
from which mitz-petel raspberry juice would flow
(which I then met in the kibbutzim in Israel)
and a big garden around, from which people could take flowers for free..

Nowadays I rarely dream, because I'm content with my present.
And I'm certainly content with this present present imbued with YOU.
But the separation frightens me
and that's were the dream and the drama may help.


Just know,
( I'm still winning time before exposing my dream)-
that the idea, that our time maybe finite, hit me yesterday morning,
when I reached my children in the US and they said,
that there ticket on July 5, arrival July 6 in Israel,
may be for coming back
and not just for the reunion between Tomer and his family,
and between Immanuel and his two older kids.
IN that moment two (really quite unrealistic) proposals combined into one.
My own proposal of offering my flat to my children
and the promise "I'll go somewhere else"
and Itamar Kechteil's proposal
that I should run his planned place in the desert,
where victims of War and Terror from both sides would be invited to heal,
(and that's why I went to look into the calender and saw,
that after the sixth comes the seventh of July,
and that this is the Eve of the Eve of Tish'a be-Av,
nine years ago the date of the comet's crash into Jupiter,
which is Tzedeq , which is in the bible, "the way of truth",
which carried us far, but not far enough
(this is supposed to by cryptic, forgive me,
- addition at 23:00: I felt, I should tell you all and did so, see later),
and this is exactly 7 weeks from now (yesterday),
and that's when I got the answer to my wondering,
how on earth, literally, how on this present Earth,
can there be a continuation of an interaction
that rides on a 20 000 Volt tension.
The answer was:
"For now your time is limited,
but it's all you need, both of you,
for now."

 

So if this resonates with you - be perceptive -
since yesterday we have 49 days for our "intensive",
and if we know this and are aware of it every minute,
it will be like 49 months,
like these 30 days (you first wrote on April 20 and today is May 20),
despite their slow beginning
(I deliberately let time pass before answering, and you were in Sinai)
have been like 30 weeks.

"And then on the last day ( not night), the seventh of the seventh
we might meet .
You might come up to my flat in the morning,
(I'll take care to be alone)
I might open the door,
we might look into each others' eyes,
in silence, from the depth of our eternal love
(for we have loved before this life,
and will love in eternity).
I might take you by the hand
and lead you through the beauty of what has been my flat.
We might put the White Eagle's disk
and voice vocals in harmony or disharmony
and we might even make some movements
towards each other, away from each other,
around each other, dancing,
and might be unbearably embarrassed.

" Then we might go down to your car,
and drive all the way down south,
and I don't know, if we shall communicate in words,
or just intertwine our fingers,
whenever you won't need your right hand for driving,

"5 km north of Mitzpe-Ramon we might take the road west.
and after about 16 km leave the car and walk north,
into the desert, which there is army firing zone and therefore empty,
up to the ridge behind which lies in ruins
what might have been the town of the Nabataean kingdom,
where Avi Dror, the keeper of the Succah, was the king,
and I, as he knows, his oracle, until we were defeated in battle
and dying he urged me to flee north to far relatives
in a place above the Judaean plains, now called Khirbet Tzurah,
-another story [see RUOW-Blue Book from p. 80 onward].

"We might walk for about an hour or more,
until we reach the foot of the mountain,
where Eliahu may have met the qol dmamah daqah
"the voice of a fine silence" (1. Kings 19:12).
We'll climb up to the big cave, Eliahu's cave, my cave.

"There we might finally encounter each other.

"There I might remember and face - held by you -
the ecstasis of the 17th-19th of March 1994
and the torment of the Eve of the Eve of Tish'a be-Av in July. the same year.

" There I might integrate another myth ,
a myth of Trinity, of Spirit-Will-Heart,
into our own myth,
the myth of Mar-Mar,
of Heart-Daughter and Heart-Son

"There we might sit on the earth,
with nothing but water to drink.
And we might see each other,
and marvel at each others' ~~~~~emBodied divinity,
and you might be surprised,
for what is uncovered of me, hides what is covered,
and, maybe, with you it's the same.
And we might touch gently, not play,
and we might embrace, not unite,
and transform the heat of desire
into FEELING ALL THERE IS TO FEEL

"and then we shall part.

"I'll stay in the cave,
and you'll walk back, alone,
drive home, alone- all-one
home into your life with your wife,
your work, your children, your friends,
your creating, your worrying,
your coping
and your healing.
And your life will have become enriched
by the color of the desert
and the sound of our laughter,
remember Le petit prince
- le couleur de blé, et de petits grelots que savent rire?

"Oh, my friend, my beloved,
spelling out my vision puts me to shame,

"you might ridicule me rightaway,
or events in these 7 weeks might prove me crazy,
or reality on 7/7 will fall far from the vision.

"But why should I forgo the joy of expectancy,
if in the moment of birth my child may take off,
saying:
"Sorry,
this time you were meant to have me only in your womb.
But I'll be back!
don't worry"

"OH, my friend,
shall I ever - in the 47 and a half days left
be at peace concerning what is possible to share with you on the outside,
and what must somehow reach you on the inside,
for time, even my time, leave alone yours, is in the narrowest of bottles.
[Refers to the song "If I could save time in a bottle"]

I've been dividing myself into 3 - relatively synchronized - "personas" today.

One was with the children,
and there was something new happening with Yael and Arnon,
she now wants her own creativity
to be taken more into account than before.
Arnon listens, when she tells him that,
but he so fast integrates her ideas into his,
that she still feels overridden.
I feel myself reflected in both of them and find it quite hard to cope ,
both with my feelings (my pain of identifying with both, Yael and Arnon)
and with helping them to work it out,
which I had to do at least 3 times today.

The second persona was engaged in something so ridiculous,
that I'm ashamed to bring it up, but this is also me,
Rachel, who gets pressured by ridiculous things.
The issue is the change from winter to summer clothing.
I had approached this nightmare several times
and finally postponed it to when the kids would be here,
for then I can't work on my site anyway and have no excuses.
This problem has to do with another "too much" in my life:
the fact that I live in an affluent society,
which produces a surplus of goods at the expense of the planet,
and which only a few enjoy,
while most of the humans don't know what to eat or what to wear.
My only way to cope with the consumerist society,
which includes my children and grandchildren, is
to set myself apart as much as possible.
IN the past 12 months I have been to the supermarket only 3 times.
And I haven't bought something to dress for 7 years,
except when I was in South India with Gabriela for 3 months in 1998,
but this had other reasons.
I need a pair of sandals every two years,
and even this and a vital bathing-suit
were given to me as birthday presents.

But, and there comes the "but",
I'm "inheriting" everything my daughter and two daughters-in-love
don't want anymore,
and even Tamir (the one who inherited my mobile home),
who doesn't have the money to buy anything, gets so much,
that he always thinks of me,
when he believes something would suit me (and he is always right) -
He has the figure of a boy of 15,
- strange, that some things should fit a woman of 65.
Ever since I became mobile,
any not vital stuff of any kind burdens me beyond your imagination.
When I moved into my bus,
I gave 550 books to the hospice in Tel-Hashomer,
[see the announcement in Hebrew and English in May 2008!]
a stupid idea, because who needs my scientific books there,
and which resulted in pain,
but books kept coming to me all the time,
and all the time I had to figure out, how to keep them at a minimum.
I think I only bought 3 books in the last 18 years,
one about sound,
one about the Holy Grail (a subject, which will come up further down)
and the main one, about which I'll tell you in this neverending letter.

Now with clothes it's the same thing.
If there would be people who need my "too much",
everything would be fine.
But to just throw them into the garbage, this is unbelievably difficult for me.
Just like I cannot throw away any food.
I've made all kinds of exercises, I've all kinds of analogies,
like nature wastes millions of sperms, until one egg is fertilized,
it doesn't help.
It's not only my own trauma of hunger, and of lack of money,
it's the constant awareness of
-- well you read the story about Yael's "Khnaebah". ["Yael's 4 pages"]


Now in this flat there is plenty of room
quite a contrast to the space I had in my tent
(and I had in my tent :everything I needed and everything I possess).
Why not accumulate whatever comes
and postpone the nightmare of selecting till the moment,
when I'll be on the move again.
And then I might just do, what I did already twice :
I just burn about everything.
ONce I start throwing clothes into the flames,
it becomes fun and gets easier,
and I throw away much more than I had intended , and feel relieved.
Sometimes, it's true, I have regrets...

NOw, since yesterday I have this feeling - which maybe all wrong,
I'm wrong so often when I intuit things in the future,
but sometimes I'm more than right,
that I may not stay here for long,
it has to do also with what I've been occupied with as the third persona,
the vision, or fantasy about our "separation-drama".
And the more I felt pressured, when I put the clothes in order,
sorted out, what needed to be washed,
differentiated between light winter, strong winter,
warm summer, hot summer,
the more I felt, I had to do this selection now.
So I did it,

First I took a heap of T-shirts, some even in their original packing,
and staged them nicely next to the big garbage containers
in the garbage room of this and the neighboring house.
This gave me courage and after an hour
I came with an enormous amount of other things,
and there! the T-shirts had been taken already! I was glad.
I'm afraid, it will not happen with the other things,
though I exhibited them even more nicely.
I'll probably find them strewn on the floor all over
(I'm the cleaner of this house with 6 tenants,
as you may have read in Yael's pages)

Maybe I would not have bothered you with such a boring story,
if I wouldn't see meaning in it on this day.
I allowed myself to break my discipline and write to you during the day.
As I said, when the kids are around , I can't work on my site anyway,
so I had an excuse.
But I also had an urgent reason:
I needed to figure out, to carefully sculpt,
what I feel about the finiteness of OUR time.
If I had done it without being disturbed by anyone and anything,
I might not have trusted the result.
I might have doubted, that I'm in contact with reality.
I might have suspected,
that I had been carried away by the 20000 Volt...

But on the background of the universal conflict between Yael and Arnon (=my own being) on the one hand,
and in the context of a routine household job,
but which for me is tied into not less universal problems,
my vision of the seventh of the seventh,
in seven weeks (from yesterday when I first mentioned separation),
is credible.

Body urged me to get up and sing-dance a fast spin,
but after all the work of order I've done already,
I still couldn't put one step before the other on the floor ,
left by the kids in unimaginable chaos.
So this fact,
and my housewife syndrom -
exacerbated by the singular event of expecting a visitor, Victor Barr, tomorrow morning at nine,
let me give priority to putting my flat in order.
Can you believe that? Can I believe that?

But while doing this - in utmost speed - I was talking to you incessantly,
as I've been doing the whole day long,
also while swimming, dancing, singing, cooking , washing the dishes, hanging up the content of one washing machine, and so on and so on.

I must confess,
that today my joy about US was marred (see the word!) by pain.
Maybe it hasn't happened before,
because I'm working on my site with such intense discipline and creativity,
that there are intermissions to thinking of you.
Today there was no such intermission,
not more than for the times I worked it out between Arnon and Yael.

And, of course, thinking of you has a new quality in the face of separation...

And, of course, 3 new letters this morning
- every letter adds another layer to ...

Now, the last thing I want to tell:
It was before lunch,
that I had kind of completed the sculpting of the separation-vision,
in several stages.
Then in the middle of eating with the kids a memory hit me,
so strongly that I hardly could believe,
that it hadn't been in my mind before
and influenced that whole drama fantasy.

This gives you even more to read, but bear with me.

In summer 1990 I knew,
I had to get away from the Succah (first year) for a month,
if not - I would go crazy and my creation would die.
A few days before my flight
I met a "spiritual" American guy in Mitzpe-Ramon.
When he heard, that I had booked my flight to Marseille,
and that from there I wanted to hitchhike, not knowing where,
he said: "You must go to Montsegur".
He only said, that it was a holy place , now connected with Tantra.
I was strangely touched by this info and once in Marseille I said to myself:
If I'm supposed to go to Montsegur
- I had no idea where to look for it even
- a car will me bring there.
In that first week - before I went farther north - I tried 3 times,
but didn't get to Montsegur.

The last 2 weeks I was in Paris, lived in a terrible cheep place
and met Itamar Kechteil quite often.
ONce he took me to a 2 day workshop.
When I entered the place, there was a table with some books.
I see myself taking up a book called "Sur les ailes d'Eros"
and simply buying it.

Strange. What on earth made me buy a book, and a French one as that?
Soon I found out:

It was about a kind of modern brotherhood in Paris ,
their teachings and a central drama.
It was said, that everything was true,
but circumstances and names were changed.
The leader was a kind of priestess, Marguerita, with her consort Laurent.
Somewhere forlorn and deeply depressed
lived a woman in her early thirties,
daughter of holocaust survivors, Jewish,
her name was Miriam....
Somehow she met the brotherhood.
For a reason, I forgot, it was important,
that the brotherhood would gather around a holy wedding or marriage,
I don't remember what term they used.
Marguerita tells her husband, that Miriam is the one
and that he is to prepare her and the group
for the consummation of marriage for 29 days.
It sounds weird as I tell it, but now comes the point:
After the wedding in the circle of the brotherhood
Laurent takes Miriam to Montsegur, to his home.

Can you believe my shock?
Then I learnt, what Montsegur really is,
and you know it probably or can read it on the web.
Both Laurent and Miriam were among those who burnt on the stake.
You might know,
that the Inquisition was first "invented" to wipe out the Cathars.
Montsegur is transforming the equivalent of our Massada
into a focus of erotic love.
By the way, though Miriam had been carefully prepared
for the finiteness of the relationship,
she couldn't take the end of it, she suffered both
the separation and the not understanding why it was done to her.
IN the end it was Laurent's wife,
the priestess who helped her see the meaning of both
having been united in ecstatic love and having needed to separate.
The book is no longer with me, though I don't know, why.
I would like to read her words again, they were resonating with me.
But I assume, I'm grownup now and can figure it out myself,
together with YOU.

I went back to Israel, put the book in my shelf
and didn't think of it until March 1994.
It was then that I opened to the man, for whom I had waited all my life.
David.
And in the first week of May
I experienced the greatest happiness ever - in Montsegur.
And on the Eve of the Eve of Tish'a be-Aw we brought Eilat, his wife,
into Eliahu's cave.
There is much to be shared, Mar,
but I don't know if something is to be learnt.
Moshe Klein, one of my two "twin-brothers", said , when I once called him - years later:
"ONce your love-project will be as important as your desert-project."
And I heard myself saying: "More important!"
But there was a time, when the pain of the love, the three of us were living, exceeded the joy,
and truth started to deteriorate, despite all I "did".
And I did, I thought, "all" , in order to make David freeze our relationship.
Remember my four Alefs - no truth, no trust, no trust, no love.

On October 23, 1999, we were finally mature enough.
We parted. By heartbreaking agreement.
From my perspective,
the right time for renewal will come, maybe not before the year 2011.
EAch of the three of us has to heal so much, to grow, to expand, to mature.

Ya'acov, my other twin-brother, sometimes gives me crumbs of information.
ONe of them was, that David exposed himself to a physical experience,
which could have killed him,
to find out the meaning of our separation.
And after or since ? - he survived, he felt - or feels, I hope - "guided".
That's what he said to Ya'aqov in March 2000.
An unusual term in the mouth of a Kantian philosopher
and bank computer expert.
[I now searched for David Troim's book on the Internet,
and the only site in English which I can find,
quotes its title with a dire mistake.
It should be - in English -
DESIRE OF CONSCIOUSNESS TOWARDS ITS SELFHOOD.
A DIFERENT VIEW ON THE CRITICAL PHILISOPHY OF IMMANUEL KANT
See the English transcription of the Hebrew title
and the Hebrew edition (or: Bialik Institute) ]

When I was in turmoil concerning my task
of becoming Tomer's foster grandmother,
I dared to call Eilat - this only time in 3 years -
because she is an expert in special education, works with the blind.
She did answer, she gave me good advice, but did not forget to add:
"But you know that I'm not interested in continuing any contact."
I know, and I am whole with it.

Now you know the deepest layer of my living and being.
I breathe now in order to trust you,
to trust that you'll understand me in this new context.
Not with your mind, for this is impossible with so little information,
but with your heart.
I did not open to another love since then.
There couldn't and cannot be "another" love,
for love is love, it includes all, it permeates all, it embraces all.
But, yes, a wind can blow into the one fire and drive the flames up to heaven.
Then things can be seen, that couldn't before.
Awareness...
I don't know yet to express or convey to you all these strange things.
Do not judge me as crazy. Cradle me instead.

But, yes, a wind can blow into the one fire
and drive the flames up to heaven.
Then things can be seen, that couldn't before.

Awareness...

I don't know yet to express or convey to you all these strange things.
Do not judge me as crazy.
Cradle me instead.

And let me do the same with the boy
that expressed so much pain in the last letters.

My heart is ablaze
with infathomable tenderness, compassion and - simply - LOVE.

Maryam

 

 

2003_05_21 – 1:35

nourish my soul
I will
nourish my hope
I am
that I am not deluding myself
you do not

But did I understand correctly-
that You "have not cried in a long time"?

This would bewilder me, shock me, grieve me to helplessness.
OH, could I just cradle you, cuddle you, make you cry!
Yes, you are the most beautiful child on earth,
but you must remember your tears !

Say to me -

nourish my tears!

 

2003_05_21 – 7:04

So you did not understand.
Well, we were not promised a rose-garden, when we set out for this.

The "actualization", "activation" of the love,
that has been there before and will be there forever,
had and has only one purpose for both of us,
- to raise the degree of openness and exposure
of doing a quantum leap in healing for both of us.
And when we'll "be done", we'll need to let go.
This must be absolutely clear to both of us,
feel for it, please,
for if not, we reenact pain instead of healing it.

See the beautiful orchestration
at the beginning of this 47th day in the count-back:
I closed my eyes, sort of,
when jumping blindly, not so blindly, into the abyss
sending off that endless letter, at 0:01, .
When - after a long time - I was just about to fall, fall asleep,
the ventilator - used against the mosquitos - made a terrible noise,
(it's about to stop functioning from overuse).
I was alert,
I couldn't go back to sleep,
I danced, to no avail,
I opened the computer,
maybe the fan woke me because you were there.

But you were not. It was 1:00.
I waited, but you did not come.

So I opened your first letter, which I had found in the morning.
I let sink in every sentence, slowly,
every expression of your shame of not being enough.

[Digression:
Can "my fear of not being adequate",
which was torturing me until not so long ago,
be compared to your shame?
inadequate for life altogether,
inadequate for people to be with me,
but most of all inadequate for my "task", my "vocation",
Most of the aspects you express, pertained to me too.
I see a scene:
Harvey Jackins, the founder of 'Reevaluation Counseling' (RC)
made a demonstration with me, in front of a large audience,
about my "feeling of inadequacy" with regard to my "work in the world".
Nothing changed, or so it seemed to me.
But I never gave in -
(will this trigger your hole of judging yourself as a coward?
I fear, not for me, because I've total trust in US now,
but for the pain you may feel )
and finally I did manifest something, Succah in the Desert,
with numerous "failures" to follow,
but the feeling of inadequacy had finally left me. ]

Then I wrote to you about remembering your tears.
I sent it.
And just before closing the computer once more,
I saw your response.
I hadn't heard it come in at 1:18,
because I had turned the sound off, when I opened the computer,
as if to avoid that the entry sound would awaken Yael and Itamar.
If I had read your response too soon,
despite your immense gentleness,
I might have suffered much more.
But then, during the hours
of fighting with the zimzum whizzing of the mosquitos above my head,
and at the time of waking up much too early,
I saw the beauty:
I was actually able to laugh at all the monsters,
which always lurk in all the corners of my shame
(as a little girl I had always red cheeks...)
and said:
"why did you have to spoil everything...
why did you have to burden him with this nonsense...
why did you have to make a ridicule of yourself...
why couldn't you be disciplined and hold back...
and if you needed to voice that fantasy at all,
why didn't you just let it stand there alone, by it self,
why make it even more weird and complicate by so much garbling,
the "report" about your day,
the stories about the past, and so on and so on".

"You may be surprised", I faced my monsters,
"but I am able to feel the shame ,
all these aspects of my shame,
I want to feel them,
I want to tremble and breathe them,
I want to accept them and I am able to,
and what's more, so much more:
I shall share them with the one, who arouses this shame in me,
and I know he will receive me."


Now to the content, dear friend
(one of the many shames was triggered by the fact ,
that I had dared to address you with a title I've avoided so far,
and you did not respond in kind,
and please don't feel, you have to justify this or comfort me):

You read too much into the "language" I used.
It's not the language of the Bible, which I cannot shed,
because this language is me.
It's a language I used in order to be able to express
what I couldn't express otherwise.
I can shed it easily.
There isn't even a need to build a bridge.
Just forget it. I'll not use it anymore.
No need to make things between us more complicated than they are.
I think, what needs to be done on your part,
if I may guide you, as you sometimes ask for,
is:
Do not relate to the fantasy, the "myth"
and everything that does not resonate with you,
as to something which has to do with YOU.
Read it as you would read a story written by someone you don't know.
And then you may see the orchestration with those 3 personas
as something valuable for you.
That's not clear, what I say, not clear at all.
But I cannot make it clear right now.
I shall ask you on the inside to feel into what I'm trying to convey.

I must hurry now
to get Yael and Itamar ready for Ronnit to take them to school.
And then run to the pool - to never let down Body, my partner .
And then cope with my visitor and my tiredness.
IN any case, if this doesn't make sense,
then just do what you feel like doing,
ignore the letter, or let it trigger you,
or misunderstand it and trigger Me,
and know
that if it hadn't been for the synchronicity
of your letter about your shame
and my letter producing shame,
I might not go into my new day, the 47th, as cheerful as I am.

To my partner in shame
in feeling the shame,
in moving shame
and in using our shame to heal each other.
I am you and you are me,
and yet we are each separate and unique,
the plus and the minus,
which allows for so much life.

And then look

 

 

2003_05_21 – 21:38

Mar, my Friend

My wave is in its valley-state,
which is natural after yesterday's state of crest,
it gives me some rest.

"What would I do on this day , if I knew it would be my last?"
How often have I used this famous recipe to check my priorities.
Now in the face of death - partir c'est mourir - of having let you go
[another recipe you know:
"If you love somebody, let him go,
if s/he's yours, s/he's will return,
if not, s/he never was"]
I've modified my intent of discipline:
I'll let my writing
- the only exterior contact with you
- be guided by only 2 things:
My own heart and your needs.
If my heart wants to write, I'll write.
If you'll tell me expressively to "back off", I'll wait.
That's all.

As always, I've edited and centered your letter.
It helps me to enjoy deeper and to relate better.

Maryam

this letter leaves me confused
but not in any way 'emotion-triggered' (yet?..)

except now for some fear...now,
as to what kind of an adventure you are proposing
and how I don't relate to this.......
and how far of me are you going with this.......
for this is not me.....this is not my 'language'
or my world or my history or my 'games -number and names-'
or my 'memories' touching again some of my unresolved incompetencies...
and I feel touched
and feel both an opening
and a 'limit setting' [e.g. this is not my game.....]
so at this time of night
I will sleep on what I do not understand
and read it again tomorrow
then I'll tell you how I feel more
and I might go with the thought
or I might not
anyway I do not judge
I only try to feel what is right for me
to go with now
how many days did you say?
do not forget
that I am not over the incapacity of having you love me so absolutely yet
and now I see why it grieves you so much
we do not speak the same language
and also that whatever will need to happen
will have to happen in the same language
and yours is not mine
and you said mine is not yours...maybe...
and maybe
maybe there is something else.......a bridge
for it seems very obvious that 'you cannot win me over here'
will I have the time to make a path to the bridge?
it has to be perfect me
perfect
a slow straight line of softness within that knows without knowing
fear is in the isles [aisles?]
more fear from the obvious untold you try to soften
sex that will not be....
.how cruelly and fearfully I have to state what you repeatedly say
but must say it to continue

closeness I dread

and still unresolved secrecy.........

I will not be part of a dream which is not mine.........
so it has to be perfect
if anything
and if you are looking for perfection in this 'ending'

I am not perfect or whole
or at least I havent' realized this yet
I could not play this part (yet????)

for this mystical union
i do not feel worthy or able

but maybe this dream of yours will trigger me into
perfection-wholeness

and I said I wasn't triggered...ha.......
sleep

Your old old friend
that is not used to this language

I feel both: your great shock
and your great effort to not hurt me.
I accept the shame caused by the first
and am grateful for the latter.

There is one word, though, which I plead you to delete or transform.
The word "Sex".
I was in wonder,
when the lines about what might NOT happen in the cave,
poured out without effort, without thinking, as if channeled,
in such shining opaqueness, indirectness, but exactness.
Gold stays gold, even when rolled in mire.
We'lI wipe the mire off.

I know, you did not use the word to judge and hurt me.
I imagine your traumas from the past and your fears of the future.
But do understand,
that I cannot have this word between us.
It's a trigger of the kind I do not want to cope with now.
It's much too premature.
"There is no one presently on earth,
who does not have sexual guilt in some way"
I remember from RUOW or Godchannel.

The vision of what will NOT happen in the cave,
has nothing to do with your "secrecy-issue".
It has to do with our utter immaturity.
There are the two biggies: sex and money,
that - in terms of evolution - have to wait,
until the Mother will be at least recognized,
or in non-mythical language and applied to you and me:

our 47 day intensive can bring us the gift of a quantum-leap
- in the ability to feel
- in the skill to be aware
- in the courage to share
It would be a counterproductive illusion to think, that
- in so short a time
- in the circumstances we find us in
- in the context of the rest of humanity
we could begin to heal "sex".
And without healing it in both of us,
we would only reenact our holes,
would reinforce the lack of wholeness, of balance,
and finally the lack of truth.
And again - no truth>no trust>no love.

Let us be content with what you stated so simply, so clearly, so beautifully:

but truly you are the first one
with whom I know I can be absolutely truthful
not in the sense that I cannot say what I want to others
for I have friends close enough for me to feel good talking about everything
but with you
there's this commitment
to being self
and to helping the other
be self
this dialogue of us
is not to manage you
it is to manage me
it is asking myself
if this or this word or sentence and silence feels right -for me-

can we work together?

so I trust

are we strong enough?

so I believe

am I able to do something
say something that will cut you off off me?

No, never "something"!
I have broken my promise twice in my life,

once to my husband, Rafael,
and once to Channah, my second woman partner
the one person in my life whom I still cannot imagine ever meeting again
neither in this world nor in any other
(for the 1000 days of hell with her I had been prepared
by the preceding 7 years of heaven with Mona, but failed),

but only after an incredibly long, incessantly loving process
of trying to work "it" out.
You have seen my attitude towards R, my ex-daughter-in-law.
and can imagine what I mean.
The problem with me has never been the "cutting off".
The problem with me has always been that of Loving Heart,
of trying too hard , for too long.

But after you caught me in my pattern concerning R.,
You would catch me, if I would fall into this pattern with you.
So there is no danger what so ever on my part.
But know, that until I could put the same questions to you:
am I able to create in you such sadness
that you will look away and say
ok, we've tried it but I cannot stand the pain from being in touch with you?
can I
or even better
can we
create such a situation where
we just cannot go on?

I realized a little more "what I'm about"
you telling me that you trigger people constantly..because that's who you are..
helped me to see
that I'm about seeing the 'potential' of people

OH yes, that sounds all too familiar.
I've been calling myself a Michelangelo,
seeing the sculpture in the rock,
where everyone else would only see a plain rock,
and I did what you did, I made the rock see this,
and the rock was pleased at first, flattered,
but then couldn't live up to what I'd seen,
though I never said, the sculpture would come out in one go,
and then the rock couldn't take it to feel even more "not enough",
and then the rock would project on me
and I was the most hateful being on earth.

And this has so often blinded me to their denied or darker side
always believing that if I only helped them
they could see that they can face these parts of them
how wrong have I been!
how denying have I been of their pain
or their aches
of their own unwillingness to look
of my unwillingness to feel

You have made it now much clearer to me,
why I failed so miserably.
I'll adopt all you say:
and this has so often blinded me to their denied or darker side
always believing that if I only helped them
they could see that they can face these parts of them
how wrong I have been
how denying have I been of their pain
or their aches
of their own unwillingness to look
of my unwillingness to feel

and yes
Oh yes, there can,
separating must not be less loving than uniting,
and if one is without the other,
the electricity will be gone,
I do know this
and I have sometimes found even more richness and truthfullness
in the process of separation,
and the 'how' of separation, and even more expressed love
I have cast you in the role of the mother
and myself of the abandoned child

this is just one of many roles we have in each others' dramas
and it's a fine role.
father, brother, son - anything to me,
mother, sister, daughter - anything to you

it's strange but the emotions here are immediately directed
to the highest possible mother
not to 'my' mother..
although she is a 'triggering support' for feeling some of this through
as though I was in direct relation/abandonment by the highest
I've always searched for the 'highest' principles
that is why RUOW was a direct hit
it had a real voice
and it talked about pain

I was reminded of the long quote from the Yellow Book on my site.
I read it again and I felt, that it might make you cry.
[Appendices>RUOW Contexts>The Mother's Eruption]

I have this constant and nagging feeling
that I am not enough

not enough for what person, for what mission,
according to what set of values?

not good enough
for what person, for what mission, according to what set of values?

not smart enough
for what person, for what mission, according to what set of values?

not dedicated enough
to what person, for what mission, according to what set of values?

not disciplined enough
to carry out what mission, according to what set of values?

not loving enough
to what person, according to what set of values?

not caring enough
to what person, according to what set of values?

not present enough
for what person, for what mission, according to what set of values

not discerning enough
concerning what person, what mission, according to what set of values

not understanding enough
concerning what person, what mission, according to what set of values

not clear enough
concerning what person, what mission, according to what set of values

not enough
to work this through alone
let alone, work this through
to my wholeness
my wholiness

But why should you do this alone?
If you could do it alone, you would not need anyone else,
then no one else could ask you for help etc. etc.
Do you want an incoherent multitude of isolated lonelinesses on earth?
Isn't this needing each other the basis of co-creation?
It's co-creating I'm yearning for,
the integration of creating and interacting
will be Heaven on Earth for me.

and I 'know' that I am just perfect
and I 'know' that if i would just accept myself etc...

Yeah, yeah, these affirmations,
as they were called during my Rebirthing Learning,
or "directions" during my Co-counseling Learning.
Even Godchannel triggered me in what I see as a kind of affirmation:
The Release of Judgments.
I wrote an e-mail to God about it (how does this sound?),
already in 1997 , I think.
it's wiped off Godchannel.com together with all the ruow files,
[the Ruow files were restored in January 2005,
including God's answer to my e-mail]
but I inserted it in puzzle piece 6 >Maryam, 2001/12/26.
The answer hasn't helped me until now.

All I'm able to do is, to be aware that I judge
and to accept that I cannot yet release the judgment.
To not judge my judging
but to feel my judging and all the bad feelings that go with it,
this is what I have achieved so far,
and I am not ungrateful for this.

As to krishnamurti, [see a video] [see videos with 4 talks in San Diego 1970]
Sorry, but nothing of what I tried to read written by this master,
was relevant to me.

Meditate in a disciplined way I couldn't either
Nor could I, but I know for what purpose. Don't you?

i even feel that I do not touch enough my emotions
that I do not do the emotional work 'good enough', deep enough, real enough

No one does it good enough,
but how often have you said to your clients,
that it's not important where you are on your way,
if you only know
you are going into the direction you know is right for you.
And as for me - you are good enough for me in this too.
I've never met anyone,
who reached the soles of your feet, as we say in Hebrew.
Unaware, "non-parental" expressions of emotions - yes,
but that's not what will heal the planet.

I did have enough 'love' and 'freedom'
but just enough to have enough spirit so understand i was limitless
enough freedom so I can tell myself, OK do it then, nobody stops you
but no willpower, no daring to do anything really meaningful
and when I did
I arranged it so to be so marginal
so not-understood
so different
that whatever I did was only meaningful to me,
and did not seem to touch anybody
except in helping me define my 'place' among my friends and society
as someone playful, creative, funny, daring, slightly extreme etc..
the work I did on fear last week in my voice-movement class on fear,
left me so ASHAMed vs the other group members...

my father comes up here...
..and died poor and depressed feeling a total failure
that he had not succeeded in re-building his business that collapsed in 84.
I really wanted to save him
until I realized it wasn't my place

so now we have GUILT ~~~
of not going through to the end with whom I was
who I was:
somebody who believed in 'free love'
somebody who was an anarchist
a revolutionary
a free-thinker
but then again:
I was not free from the thoughts of my own weakness
how I needed friends and felt i didn't have any
was somebody ashamed of me?
that's the feeling
my parents
they are ashamed of me
why?
when?
I am the most beautiful child of the world
why are U ashamed of me?
I have no answer here

I am shamed because my father is shamed
I carry this double shame in me
I carry this double unworthyness

my father ~~~can see him now crying
with his feeling of unworthyness.. his guilt
guilt for the death of his mother
guilt for his father being deported
his cowardice

what else is there?
a piece of guilt so far down i can't reach
one that would make the world cry
the wailing is so far so soft
even I can't make a sound or a movement from it
but then I am still a coward not to dare to call that voice and cry
I have not cried for a long time
i M ALL HARDENED AROUND THIS

"I release all my judgments
concerning my shame,
my believing that I am a coward
and my guilt,
I take responsibility for having created this in my life
and release this now"

"I respect the rythm of my growth,
the releasing of my judgments,
my emotional movement
and body work"

He was bored and took newspapers and cut them into pieces
and composed them again: a puzzle.
I think that's a good, though somewhat sarcastic , analogy
for God and Creation.

didn't get this one, but then I may be very tired....
and my intellect not totally there

After my divorce and cutting off my baby "Partnership" (1980-81)
I started to study again -
metaphysical, mystical, New age stuff ,
all things which were not foreign to me,
but from which I had cut myself off, at the age of 26,
when I made that heart-wrenching decision (described in pp17) ,
that I had to learn to live "etsi Deus non daretur" (Medieval Latin),
"as if God did not exist",
so as to take total responsibility for myself
and all my dependencies in this world and on the world .
During those 14 years in exile
(sounds a short time from this perspective, but wasn't short then)
I also wrote my thesis - in which,
when I couldn't help referring to God, I claimed,
that not adam, male and female, was created in the image of God,
but God was created in the image of man.
I had never any doubt, that , as people have it, "God existed".
"Can there be a discussion about the existence of the sun?"
I always answer, when asked if I believe that...
And I go on:
"The question is,
HOW his/her existence is relevant for your task to live your life."

Then - in November 1979- I had an experience -
when accompanying my Palestinian friend Leila from England
to the Basilica in Nazareth:
I suddenly heard a protestant German tourist group sing a chorale,
one of those which had made life bearable in my youth.
I was so shaken, that Leila noticed it.
She helped me get this into line.
I understood, that I now was allowed to go "home".

That night I spoke to a friend at that time,
a catholic priest, an Arab, Abbuna Elias [now Archbishop!] in Ibelleen,
a village in Western Galilee.
I told him, and I wanted to kneel down, as I had done as a child.
He stopped me in time and said severely:
"You are not to go back to your former belief/faith,
you are here to find new ways."
That did it for me.
I waited, I didn't push it, I would find the way in time.
And then, when I started - almost 2 years later -
to get interested in Zen etc etc etc.

I had two experiences of intellectual "enlightenment" :

One was the last sentence in the book of John Lilly,
The centre of the cyclone:
"The miracle is that the universe created a part of itself
to study the rest of it,
that this part, in studying itself,
finds the rest of the universe in its own natural inner realities."

Years later I found this described in utmost detail
in the second RUOW book,
and it makes utter sense to me.

The other "enlightenment" came by a sentence in a Zen book:
It literally lit up the biblical Shma' Yisrael, Hear , o Israel (Deuteronomy 6,5)
y-h-w-h - all that happens - is ONE ,
not the only one, as all the translations have it,
but ONE,
This is reality.
How then is this relevant for me?
For a plane to be able to fly,
the laws of gravity etc. have to be known.
For me to live,
the law of existence has to be known.
So once I know, that all is ONE,
I must be ONE too.
How do I do that?
The experience in which I find myself most whole and one, is when I love.
Therefore: we-ahavta...and you shall love
and to make it clearer, the Shma' adds: "with all your heart",
which the Mishnah interprets:
be-shnee yetzaraekha, be-yetzer ha-tov u-ve-yetzer ha-ra,
with both your impulses, the good impulse and the bad impulse
"with all your soul" - "even when he takes your soul away",
and the last one, the cryptic one, I'll save for another time.

shuv laqakhti tramp again I hitchhiked on a short question,
which maybe wasn't even serious.
Sorry, if it is too much for you.

At this point I left to see the sunset from the Titorah.
Since I was finally defeated by the thistles and thorns
and a seed, called the "hag's needle" ('ibrat il-'ajouz') in Arabic,
I cannot walk my path any longer, and have to use the jeep road.

What came to me concerning my guilt of overwhelming you , was this:
I'm not simply brimming over, though I am, but not simply.
I think, I'm putting many little gifts in your treasure box now,
so that they'll nourish you when I'll not be in your life any longer,
or at least -
should we come to a decision, that we do not have to separate after all -
may not be able to communicate via computer any longer.

It means for now, that you must not pressure yourself to respond systematically and to everything.
YOu must not even read everything.
Do, what you do with my site:
Trust that you always pick, what is most relevant for you.
And if there should be something,
to which I do need an explicit and immediate response ,
I'll emphasize this graphically.

In Jim Croce's "time in a bottle" it's "a box for wishes",
in my "time in a bottle" it's "a box for nourishing gifts".

JIM CROCE (u can get it on kazaa)

Please relate to me as an idiot:
what is the exact web-address of kazaa
and what do I have to do.
For just opening it doesn't provide me with songs I want.

for I would like to share all the things that are real
and go to the deep end of them
and work work work work
till I'll be so tired and so full of triggers
I could cradle in our hug and go to sleep,
or scream my heart out,
and you would still be there
until all would calm down again
or all mis-understandings were thrown back into the sea.

DID I WRITE THIS?

Definitely!

the cues to the 'short time' we have to spend together
leave me with a sadness....
and now I remember what I didn't tell you in the previous letter
It is very difficult for me to let me be loved by you (colored red by you!)
I'll meditate on this
M
a true friend

Have you meditated on this?
Has the difficulty to do with how you feel about yourself,
or has it to do with how you feel about me?
Which reminds me of something I always forget asking:
Do you have any problem with my "age"?
Because if so, don't make a taboo out of the issue.
In our last year David had a problem with it, not to talk about Eilat.
And those few people on their side, who "knew",
like David's brother who is a big shot on the radio,
used this specific ingredient
of the outrageous, mad, monstrous, unnatural etc etc etc "affair"
in order to trigger David's problem with his own aging,
though he is "only" 10 years younger than I am.
It helped, of course,
that he could share this shame about my age with me,
and I helped him to trust me, that I would not be affected by it,
because in this aspect I'm totally whole and self-accepting,
on the contrary,
I am glad for every year I add to the treasure of my lived life.
I even regret, that I'm not yet 75 or 85 or 95 years old,
because I'm curious like a kid, how I shall live and feel at that age.
I have this curiosity,
since I experience the wellness and fitness of my Body,
who rewards me so fantasticly for my commitment to our partnership,
a wellness and fitness I've never known,
even not as a child or in my teens.

I've made my peace with the fact, ,
that "it is not possible to not exist",
which had been my greatest predicament
and I know (what triggered you for a reason I cannot guess),
that death is not an option this time,
because I've made this deep, whole, total commitment to my Body,
that this time I'll not leave Him behind.

But, of course,
sometimes I have to take care of not "developing" a hole in my wholeness.
For people, even close people, are so afraid
that I may become senile, for instance,
that they often put in their head
that I am "forgetting" things or "not hearing things",
though in reality my memory and my hearing are better than those of most.
So I stick to my "own kind' (also a phrase from Westside Story)
which is my Body,
and am happy.

Just a hint:
The main breakthrough in relating to Body came only in 1997.
But this may become a future gift for your treasure-box.

I needed to do some confrontation here so bare with me
arghhMar

what means "arghh"?

and although I do not know why choosing to embody deity
should make me so Behitnagdut [in opposition]
it is

I hope you understood,
that I understand this "choosing" as the acceptance of who you are,
the "most beautiful child on earth".
What do you care about Divinity?
I was neither behitnigdut, nor the opposite, when I read that.
No trigger, no interpretation, it doesn't matter to me at all.
What does matter, is the need to stop fighting against greatness,
which is definitely most, overall relevant for you, my friend.
In any far future you may come across the puzzle pieces 33 and 33b,
about Greatness and Denial of Greatness

it is important for me to see that I am here in hitnagdut

Yes!!!!

and that the only thing that is 'asked of me'
is to be true to myself

Yes!!!

But here comes the knack
what is myself?
if I create my life and my reality
then I create even this dialogue
where I put myself in the position of choosing between
From the Father's side,
the task now is to go into Hell...
along with the most parental part of the Mother...
or
'looking on the bright side of life'
[see video of "Brian Superstar"]

Yes this is one of my favorite movies,
and one of the few satires I'm crazy about,
I believe, not many people can enjoy it like I can,
having known by heart most parts of the gospels
which claim to hold the Bastard's biography

and what I need to do is come to terms with this
with my own godness
with my own greatness
but nothing of this above really inspires me
for I remain with anger
and fear
all these ruow stories
(except the blue book
that is in fact an excellent little psychology 'self-help' book)
they just don't relate to me

nor to me,
but I have no problem with skipping what's not relevant to me
During my studies of Protestant Theology
the Entmythologisierung - the striptease of the myth- was big fashion.
I do it automatically, which means,
if the mythological dressing helps me, I use it,
if it sidetracks and disturbs me, I just see through it.
I wonder, why this bothers you.
Especially after having read Jung (and Erich Neumann , too???).
Why fight against the language of mythos,
which often is as effective in conveying a message
as any good story for children or grownups?
And since you mention the value of the Blue Book
as opposed to the rest:
Yes, for me too it is the most important,
but I cherish very much also the green book and the yellow book.
The new Creation myth in the violet book is excellent,
as I mentioned already.
The orange and the red book didn't give me anything valuable,
and indigo - I haven't made up my mind yet -
it's sometimes intriguing and sometimes horrifying
and sometimes not relevant

or MAYA
still the one that makes the most sense

What do you mean?

I find myself thinking : GIVE ME A SIGN!

and would I believe it?

yes
and what is a sign
something that would not come from me
and that I would feel to be absolutely right
and how would I know this to be right
I would
it would be soft and true
it would be compassionate
it would tell me to be true to all I am
It would tell me to follow my heart

yes

"Retourne tes yeux au-dedans de toi
Quand tu auras passe le mur du mur
quand tu auras outrepasse ta vision
alors tu verras rien
Il n'y a plus rien"
(Leo Ferre Il n'y a plus rien -this one is worthwile!)

So far it only looks what you call "smart-assed" to me.

The following dialogue between us
may be found to be one of the most wonderful gifts
and I simply want to put it here again:

and I was looking for a message....
that would not come from me...
well this is either a typical example of synchonicity
or more...
I don't yet know
maybe I should be on the lookout for joy
at least it sounds good..
M

joy wrote:

My friend within

do not doubt that I do the work now
that I choose to be triggered
that we have evolution here and continuation

maybe there was only love and laughter
but there were things said I do not understand
and this triggered me
I did not project here -I think-
not without the consciousness
of using you and my words
as mirrors and triggers
I understand now.
bear with me here

When you ask for this, it's so easy.
But when a hole in my wholeness is triggered,
I shrink and forget about you.
But now, that we are past the storm,
so much confidence has grown,
and I might be less prone
to fall into unconsciousness,
not even being aware,
that it's not me whom you are ridiculing,
and that really all that you need from me,
is to remain there -witness- while you fight it out.

But then, of course, there is the other truth,
that those holes in my wholeness attract the triggers,
to indicate, that they now want to be healed.
If we only keep committed to each other,
and never let a trigger make one of us chicken out,
then our healing work together will become something so wonderful,
that I don't even have a name for it.
I just feel it!
I've yearned for it.
I've also some experience in it...
but there was no continuation,
and not because someone was running away.
With you I feel that the time is ripe.
At least in the circumstances that we find ourselves in:
not meeting physically, not even on the phone,
not sharing any doing together, leave alone living together.
Though all this "not, not, not" is painful and sometimes unbearable,
it is exactly as it's necessary for both of us,
at this stage of our healing process,
and the healing process of humanity.

I've written this passage as if channeled.
I hardly know, what I'm talking about.
And I don't want to think about it either.
I just trust,
and I feel excitement and joy.
Maybe that's why I called my local web-site "joy",
and from there it became part of my e-mail address.
Yes, my friend-within,
I've been feeling so much and so deep joy ,
because of ~~~~ US.

AMEN
[ one of my favorite mystical words,
it comes from the semitic root a-m-n - safety
and means "I trust that I am safe".
Saying the first syllable, "AM", I breathe in, into Oneness , like "OM",
but unlike the "OM", which closes my mouth,
I open it again for the second syllable
I breathe out, into creation, into duality, into tension
and stay with the N and my mouth open .

Open to whatever is being given to me
by your very existence in this world, my friend,
and how much more so - in my own life at this time.
I have completed my response to all your letters.
I have been with you intensely for more than 6 hours
with only little breaks for Body's need for movement.
I'm happy, I allowed myself this feat.
NOw I can "die", i.e. stay whole,
even if you should need a rest for some days.

Your peer, your partner,
your everything
within
Maryam