hodayot [thanksgivings] for today

10:10
My Body, my Partner, my God
I am grate-full for no longer having to cope with menstruation (like E. has today)
though I regret, that in 1988 I let the doctors take out my womb & ovary.
I'm grate-full, that the heat-waves now are scarce and mild,
-you remember, how unbearable they were for many years,
after I stopped to take those prescribed hormones (from 1988-1997).
I'm grate-full, that giving up those did not spoil my capacity for sexual sensing.
And most of all I give thanks to you for letting yourself be born female this time
and for letting me have the experiences of menstruation, pregnancy, giving birth

I'm grate-full for the deep talk with Efrat [after I. left for NY] about "vocation".
No "personal self-realization" is needed in the exterior world,
The sense of full-fill-ment will come from living "God in the details", as she said.
This "God in small things',- my slogan since 2006, will be our code!
Her great insight "I suddenly saw my whole life in front of me"
came to her in contrast to her sister-in-law who struggles with her studies
"in order to make a carreer and have money", while also being a mother of two.
"I said to her: this is not at all what I want, thank you, you've helped me!"

"Driving Backward into the Future" = "Closeups to the Past" = Healing&Harvesting my Past

[Today, 2008_06_16, rediscovered in puzzle-piece 12 , The Goal: to Become Parental and Whole]

2003_06_16
There is another aspect to "parentalness".
To accept that I have no choice but having free will.
In an accute exterior and interior situation,
where I'm crying for "clear instructions",
I am led to this dialog in Godchannel:

Next early morning - 2003_06_17 :
A Dream

In the dream it is the third morning that I'm rushing from a busstation to another in Rishon-le-Zion
(which is the first town the Zionists built , about 110 years ago -
I opened this page by chance on August 11, 2012 and can correct, what I assumed 9 years ago;
The news told, that the town is now celebrating its 130th anniversary!
Rishon-le-Zion means "the first-to-Zion" according to Isaiah 41,27:
"The first to Zion - there they are, and to Jerusalem I give a messenger")
in order to go to Tel-Aviv.
I'm rushing up the last part of a dreary little road,
littered with debris, cars, people,
this morning too a little old dark-bluish car races past me,
the driver of the number 26 bus, a man or a woman,
shall I miss this bus again,
I don't seem to know the exact time of its departure,
and when it leaves too early, I'll never make it from my first bus, which brings me to this town, to this bus,
I hurriedly enter the station, it's not the entrance for passengers, but for the drivers and other employees,
the first room to the left of a small, ugly corridor, must be that woman driver's room,
I open it, it is empty, dismantled even all the wiring in the wall, she has stopped working,
so what does this mean for my 26 bus,
I find an employee, she says she will inquire,
she is busy with someone else,
then it's my turn,
she asks on the phone,
they say, the 26 leaves at 6:30,
it's only 6:20 now, how come I missed it the two times before,
I'm glad,
the employee also asks "them" on the phone, what about my "brakhah", a written "blessing",
....
- I knew its content in the dream, which somehow hadn't reached me properly.
I was wondering, how in such a place they talk about a "blessing",
and thought, well that's Israel, no separation between holy and secular.
All the time it wasn't clear - I was even wondering in the dream,
am I a passenger or am I an employed driver?

Background:
While finishing the checking of the 150 edited Godchannel files,
I came across "I want to drive my own bus",
only with a glance, since I know this little dialog almost by heart,
never identifying with the one who asks,
and always delighting in God's answer.
This dialog
- based on God's own analogy of "driving a bus"-
together with my own bus, the symbol of my llekh-lekhâ-
must have inspired the dream,
in any case it's at least half a year that I couldn't remember a dream,
how come I remembered this one, when I woke up?
I associated immediately
that 26 is YHWH
and that 26 is twice 13, which is the numerical value of "ahavah" -love

So I am in the middle between
still being God's passenger in his bus,
and being a bus driver myself,
like in God's letter to those who are committed to healing into wholeness.
I feel this to be such a confirmation of yesterday's experience with the above "path-dialog",
which brought about such a simple solution for the problem I was stuck in
[continuation see in the original puzzle-piece >2003_06_16]:
......
This solution is so simple, why didn't it occur to me before?
It means, that from now on everything will always be simple;
I'll be always able to integrate my moving with my staying.
It's true that I am to leave the security and comfort and beauty and luxury of this flat again,
but I don't need to give up on the security, while it's still unknown, where I'll be and how I'll be there.
"You need a place for yourself", said my daughter,
something so self-understood for everyone else,
but not for me.
But why shouldn't I have both - the flexibility of lekh-lekhâ time and again -
never being attached to any situation - and have security at the same time?
My heart suddenly felt light, not so much because of the solution of this specific dilemma,
but because of the departure of a big pattern,
the pattern of "putting myself in a corner", as my daughter phrased it,
a corner, where I don't leave myself a choice,
so as to force my self to "go-out" and not "stay put".

2005_07_12
"But why shouldn't I have both - the flexibility of lekh-lekhâ time and again -
never being attached to any situation - and have security at the same time? "
I found this integration finally on Dec. 3, 2004, in Arad...

2008_06_16
And "more" finally in December 2006, when I began to commute between Arad and Shoham,
between my holy al-one-ness in my one-room-flat in the desert
and my being a companion of my youngest grandchild in the center of Israel.

2012_09_11
I'm so grate-full for my home and what has become my garden!
And I know, that if I was "asked" to get up and wander again,
I could do it "just like that"!

Finetuning to my Present

15:40
So far I did well with fulfilling this morning's Intention concerning Mika and Efrat.
When I do accept my feelings and release any judgment immediately,
before they have any chance to be projected on "the actors in my drama",
then everything is quite easy.

But there is another issue, which I need to cope with now - shortly - and then let go!
Mika is still asleep and I also had a short nap interrupted by 3 jumps to the toilet
because of an attack of diarrhea, but now my bowels are empty and relaxed.
Though there is so much work awaiting me in order to "complete" the latest pages
and to sculpt the experiences of the last 23 hours,
I couldn't help - after the sculpture of "Sylvia" - to check again,
if I could find out the e-mail address of Syberberg.

Since that program on 3 SAT on Friday and my research on Syberberg's site
I've seen myself fantasizing about him as "a peer"
and even as the one love I yearn for.
Should I be too ashamed to admit this here?
But since my site cannot count any visitor, leave alone 6 millions like his,
I shouldn't be worried.
In fact, I had already phrased one single sentence which I wanted to write to him:
'Please read what I wrote about you in (K.i.s.s.-log June 13),
and sense, if this resonates with you. If not, forget it.'
During that talk yesterday night, I showed Efrat Syberberg's page of June 15
as an example of finding full-fill-ment in "the God of small things".
She, too, was surprised by the similarity of how he and I document our lives.
"Write to him!" she suggested.

During one of my searches on Syberberg's website I found a page
with about 5-6 critical articles against Israel from "Der Spiegel".
It didn't make me wonder, though, since I agreed to the views there in general.
But now - [Mika utter sounds of waking up and I must hurry ] -
I came across the chapter "Controversy" in Wikipedia about Syberberg,
[the chapter is omitted in the German and in the French version.... !]
The info there made me so terribly sad in general and as to my fantasy in particular,
that I found only one aspect for relief:
"How good, that I hadn't known this, when I praised Syberberg towards Efrat."

I am grate-full, though, that I did not let myself be carried away for long.
I am grate-full, that I am still able to dream, imagine, fantasize, yearn,
but I am not less grate-full, that this fantasy was shattered so soon.
I'm not ashamed for having focused it on a discordant "Color of the one Rainbow".
It was a reminder, that the time is ripe....


21:54
Such grief I haven't felt for a long time.
And such scarce friendliness on Mika's part I haven't experienced for a year or so.
I felt like a victim, like "still the odd ball out", like not being loved by anyone,
not in the way a husband and a wife, or Efrat and Mika love - with physical warmth.
Except for Arnon and to a lesser degree Yael, nobody truly hugs me nowadays.
[The next day I told this with humor, when Arnon and Ayelet came in.
When later Rotem came and hugged me, Ayelet said:
"You see, you were wrong."
The same occurred, when at night Ayelet's father Micha, my son, cam
and hugged me.
Still, I yearn for more...]
But worse than all that was my utter dismay and shock about such antisemitism,
on the part of so honorable a man as Syberberg.
The fact, that I had begun - in my imagination - to tell him everything,
which so far and now again I'm telling only to imagined anonymous visitors of kisslog,
causes a severe regression of my feelings towards Germany and Germans.
All my pretty metaphors of "waves of the One Ocean, Colours of the one Light etc"
seem to be a farce at best.
It is true, when I first read, that Syberberg had made a movie of 8 hours about Hitler,
and that some people were mad at him, because he, Syberberg, claimed,
that Hitler was in all of us,
I wasn't shocked, for I too believe, yes I know that! and I know why this is like that!
But when, on the other hand, in connection with Syberberg's movie about Parsifal.
I read, that Hitler valued Wagner's opera Parsifal as the crown of whatever...,
I felt, that the carpet had been pulled from under my feet
- my adored Knight Parzival
See puzzle piece 16b Reality reflects Judgments > 2002/01/18-20 Third Part

It seems that after all these years - since January 1959,
and despite the altogether 8 months I "spent" in Germany (1985-86 & 1986-87)
a time which I used intensely in order to integrate my two identities -
I'm now back at point zero: I cannot cope with German antisemitism.
I'm even tempted to say "antisemitic Germany", but 3 SAT proves every day,
that things have changed after all.
Even on this very evening a doc was shown about "The Children of Buchenwald".
I couldn't tolerate it longer then 10 minutes, but until then I learnt,
that in Buchenwald
there was solidarity between the different nationalities
(since it was set up mostly for political prisoners):
when those prisoners who survived the death march from Auschwitz to Buchenwald
arrived and had to be registered by the Buchenwald inmates,
"I wrote 'Israel" behind my name, as was demanded at that time",
told an old man, who then was 14 years old,
"but the inmate who had to register me, deleted "Israel" and said:
there are no Jews here, we are all the same."

Still, today I am steeped in grief.
I remembered my boyfriend Ruediger Philipowski,
according to the Internet -Professor for Economic Law at Wuerzburg University.
I now read the story again (in Succah Diary 4),
and the question is, why did I attract that actor into my drama physically,
and why did I attract Syberberg into my drama virtually, though only for 3 days?

I do not really understand anything.
When I drove Mika on her bicycle through town, I could cry silently.
And when later, after Efrat had cut and sculpted my hair (finally...),
and I went out with Nella, to shake the hair off the sheet we had used,
I chose to walk on the track which passes along the near outskirts of Shoham.
so as to be able to cry aloud.

And now I wish to close myself again.
No Germany!
Except for a general notification from my brother's son Michael,
that this was their new e-mail address, since they would move to the USA,
I have not had any communication with anyone in Germany for months.
Martin, my brother-in-law must have been so shocked by my letter,
that even my attempt to soothe him later, did not cause him to write me again.
He had asked, if the German "Amnesty International", for which he volunteers,
could protest against Israel's violations of human rights,
and I explained, why GERMANS CAN NOT AFFORD to do that.
Heidelinde, his daughter, the only one among my sister's 4 children,
who once in a while has contacted me,
and who in January expressed the wish to skype me regularly, disappeared too.
My three remaining friends Barbara, Irene, and even Anke stopped writing,
and for the first time I shall not write or phone Anke on her birthday on June 22.
From Margret, who visited me with her grownup children in January , not a word.
All this is not only fine with me, it is a relief.
I do not want to have contacts with anyone,
unless there is a mutual, ongoing dependency,
as I have said ever so often,
[August 11, 2012 - This is still true, I want to be alone, all-one]
and definitely not with people abroad, be it in Germany or in another country.
This Syberberg fantasy and its quick dire death has proven to me one more time,
that - no matter, how e-mail, Skype, phone, flights, - bridge geographical distances -
the peer and partner whom I desire, needs to be reachable by foot !
[August 11, 2012 -
Ya'acov, -see his image below -whom I've believed to be my peer,
not for 3 days, but for 3 years (from among the 28 we know each other)
would not be able to reach me "by foot",
even if he would live around the corner,
since his legs and feet and left shoulder are paralyzed]

From Old Heart New Heart , and Kisslog June 6
"Even the longing for another to share that love
can be fulfilled
by lovingly accepting the desire itself.
...
As New Heart you channel loving Spirit
and move to fully accept the desire just as it is,
unfulfilled and all.
As you embrace
your unfulfilled desire for real love,
you empower the fulfillment of your desire~~~
and not just inside of you,
inside all of manifestation as well.
It is as if all of Creation
is held in the loving arms of New Heart. "