I focus my experiencing and awareness on being
"a pioneer of Evolution in
learning to feel":
I let my Body vibrate and my Heart 'womb'
pain, shame, fear, boredom, powerlessness,
so feelings can >heal >guide>fulfill>evolve,
and ~~~ offer ~~~"goldmines"~~~ to us all!! "I
want you to feel everything, every little thing!"
K.I.S.S. -
L O G 2
0 0 8
Keep It Simple Sweetheart
forever whole and full-filled
never perfect and complete
The gigantic bud of yesterday indeed
blossomed this morning!
I walked Nella, the dog, so Immanuel, back from flight since
last night, could
spend more time with wife and daughter.
At 8 o'clock Efrat left to bring Mika to kindergarden
and
herself to work,
and I accompanied them to the elevator,
performing the usual dance together in front of it,
singing:
"Shalom, shalom, shalom shalom"
or "le-hitra'ot, le-hitra'ot"
[meaning "to see each
other", Hebrew for "Auf Wiedersehn", "Au
revoir", "See you"], a tune I made, - with all the 8 tones
of an octave in it.
[the photos were taken in August,
when Mika could barely say: "malit" "ma'alit"-elevator
see
"Mika's Full-Fill-ments (1) ]
Usually - on the days of Immanuel's arrival - I too leave at this
hour,
I catch the bus to the train, I travel with the train to Beersheva,
where I take another bus to Arad.
Or - since last August when they opened the new station "Lehavim-Rahat",
30 km north of Beersheva,
I prefer to get off there and hitchhike to Arad, which doesn't save
much time, but ---see further down,
until today .... I hated the bus-station in Beersheva and tried to
circumvent it this way.
Yet since I knew that this time Immanuel would return so late, I stayed
for another day.
I even kept staying in the morning, awaiting an unusual appointment
in Beersheva...
Immanuel made us a "Muesli" and each of us savored it while
already working on the computer.
5 minutes to noon: I've actually completed the page of the
first day of K.i.s.s.-Log 2008!
I go out of the room, I don't remember what for, I meet my son and
he asks: "When do you want me to take you to the
train?" "At 13:23, but we better check, if the
train is really leaving at that time."
A few clicks and Immanuel screams: "there
is a train only at 12:23 or 14:23!"
I'm shocked: "But the train goes every
hour!"
"Obviously around noon there are too few people!"
I pull my wits together: "Please run to
Efrat to take the car, come back and fetch me."
He rushes off, I close my programs on the computer, pull out the 60
Giga mobile drive,
stuff last things into my backpack, frentically put camera, mobile
phone, cables in my bag,
lock the door with Immanuel's key- rush down the stairs (never with
the elevator...),
wait for Immanuel on the side-way, there he comes,
we rush to the train-station at the Ben Gurion Airport, usually about
15-20 minutes,
and on the way he manages to tell me: "Tonight
we fly to Hongkong."
"How did you arrange it so fast?"
Two hours before he had told me, that El-Al had asked him, if he could
fly tonight.
Having just come back, he knew, he could do this to Efrat only, if
she would come with him.
Her answer: "Impossible, work to do, Mika
is still coughing."
So he said "No" to El-Al. "But you can't demand from Efrat to say
"Yes" rightaway. Try again."
So he tried a bit later and they figured out how everything could
be arranged so fast. "But what about Nella?" I asked. "That's the problem! Efrat is inquiring
about a dog's pension around here."
"Poor dog! she was just rescued from something traumatic,
adopted by a family connected with "SOS for animals",
handed over to you only 5 days ago,
how will she take it, if she'll find herself yet in another foreign
surrounding?"
He was troubled, my son, he loves dogs more than I do.
Suddenly I say: "Couldn't you ask that family to take Nella
once more just for these 4 days?"
"No bad idea", said Immanuel, unlike his mother -
always avoiding enthusiastic behavior.
I made it to the train in time.
It was quite empty and I enjoyed the travel of 75 minutes,
listening to a missa of Haydn on my cellphone or simply enjoying the
view.
Before arriving, I asked myself:
"How should I use the 50 minutes until the meeting with my guests?"
My pattern is to "utilize" every minute...
Listening inside, I had the idea to discover the beauty of train-
and bus-station.
That's what a camera is there for, isn't it?
Funny enough - 3 days ago,
coming from Arad by bus and before I entered the train in Beersheva,
I saw two tiny white clouds above the waiting train.
They looked to me like the face of God and I took a photo of them.
Now I left the train and looked around in the big hall with the huge
clock,
photographed the exit to town as well as the opposite direction to
the trains.
Some guard rushed up: "It's forbidden to
take photos".
"Come on, I'm only photographing the pretty architecture here."
My tone could have been more friendly... I'm sorry, guard!
Exit to town
Exit to the trains
Front of the Beersheva Train Station - empty
at noon
I cross over to the Beersheva Bus Station = crowdy even at noon
This is the main entry to the
bus-station,
always crowdy, always ugly,
despite the double poster which says: "May the Messiah live, may the Messiah
live."
For some reason, there is no guard there today,
but even if one would be there,
he would let everybody pass.
Unlike in the train-station,
where all the technology of airports is provided
to check people and luggage.
When I traveled north 3 days ago,
my backpack was held up: "What is this other bag inside?"
"It's guarding an Amnon&Tamar flower
in a ceramic pot "[see
yesterday]
v
Inside the bus-station
I caught a moment,
when no bus was arriving and stopping at this side-way. Instead
a bearded man and a veiled Bedouin woman behind him satisfied
my delight in diversity .
Hundreds of times have I arrived here,
or set off from the platforms across,
coming or going
between Mitzpe-Ramon
and the places in the center or north,
where my children used to live then,
-- then ---between 1989 and 1996 ,
or coming from Sinai and Eilat, between 1996 and 1998,
by bus, if I had the money, hitchhiking, if I hadn't,
And again since July 2004 ,
"Rakhaf",
"Arad"
until now.
I've always hated this bus-station, until today,
when my mobile phone camera found these perspectives
When my patterned feeling
transformed into a present-time feeling,
it occurred to me,
that I had used the station only as a means,
a means to get somewhere.
I had never been open to live this moment
with all the diverse people
and the composition of places and installations
made by people.
I hadn't even seen those palm-trees - ever!
I walked into the direction from where all busses arrived.
There - a metal sculpture,
in memory of two people, soldiers probably,
and again some palm-trees
between the station and the main street.
While pondering the symbolism of the sculpture
I suddenly see a bus coming - 394.
"But that's from Eilat!"
it wasn't the time yet for Margret and her kids to come.
I ran to that side-way,
the bus - on its way to Tel-Aviv -
spilled out only some of the people. "Are you the bus that set off at
11:00?"
I asked the driver. "Yes, but there is another bus
just behind me."
Too many people from Eilat for one bus.
And indeed, the next 394 opened and out they came:
Margret , my pupil 21 years ago, my friend,
lost for the last 7 years,
and my "godchildren",
whom I had met as babies and toddlers only.
July 1986:
I don't know, how Helmut Ruppel from Berlin found me in my
bus.
He had read my book - the only reader I ever encountered. "Will you come to Berlin as a guest
professor
and teach in my institute?" Students who studied to become teachers
of religion in Berlin's schools.
October 1986:
I started with a week long seminary.
It took place on the small island of Wannsee,
in the very same buildings,
in which the "Endloesung des Judenproblems" had
been decided in 1941,
the "Final Solution of the Jew-Problem"...
One of the participants, Brigitte Schueler, later turned out
to have been chosen by me - beyond life -
as a maddening actress in my life - for 1000 days...
Since the salary, he could pay, would not be enough to justify
my coming,
Ruppel arranged another job for me in the Highschool for Theology:
A course in Jewish thinking.
It was there, that I encountered some people, who are still,
or again, in my life.
In the first lesson I suggested
that we would address each other the Israeli way,
with "Du" and the first name.
And I demanded from everybody to write down,
what they expected from this course.
I remember Irene Sonnabend: "Wie schoen, dass Du gekommen bist!"
"How wonderful, that you have come!" As if I had been expected.
The next lesson showed many more pupils, up to one hundred,
among them Utz Berlin.
His girl-friend Margret had urged him to take my course too.
Irene, Margret and Utz and some other pupils, including that Brigitte,
started to come to my rented flat in the center of Berlin,
I proposed different workshops, on 4 evenings in the week - for money,
and a celebration of the Eve of Shabbat and of the Exit of Shabbat,
for free.
When I returned to Israel, end of February 1987, I parted from some
true friends.
October 1987:
Utz and Margret came to visit me and Israel for the first time.
Utz, who had worked as a taxi driver before studying to become
a Protestant minister,
helped me to drive my bus down the scaring curves from Dimona
to the Dead Sea.
He sat on the desk above one of the water-tanks and guided me
how to use the brakes.
He made the photo on the left. [See
also "Succah-Diary Fragments" (2)]
My purpose was to spend
40 days in solitude, before I would delve into a new
relationship - with Brigitte, now called Channah, and where could one do that if not in
the desert?
The desert - then - was not yet in my consciousness.
It was through the experience of the 40 days that followed,
that the desert became my home ...
We had spent the night together at "Ir Ovot" - "The
Town of Ghosts",
the spot where - at that time - some "crazy" Jew,
husband of two wifes,
expected the Messiah to cross from old Moab (Jordan today),
according to a prophecy in Isaiah.
The next day Utz and Margret drove with me to Neve-Zin, the
Oasis of Zin, where I would stay for 3 weeks,
until this place did not give me enough solitude either,
and I drove to a lonelier place further south. Utz and Margret parted from me to discover
the desert on their own, (despite my ignorant scanning
of Utz' photos, the images still move me) and to find out, if their relationship
had any chance.
photo of Utz near the Zin Oasis , where I was
stationed for 3 weeks
Knowing them inside outside because of our Co-counseling work,
I doubted this chance.
But then - who are we to know, what choices of partners we made beyond
this life,
what actors each of us needs in his/her drama to learn and grow, love
and create.
A year later they came again - to me, who had fled from Channah to
Clil,
at that time a village based on solar energy, paid by the government.
Sha'ul, the German-Jewish holocaust orphan had come there with his
German-Christian wife Renate.
He was appointed - by "Sol-Or", my solar energy company
- to take care of my bus.
At that time I already worked as a computer secretary for "Manpower",
but during the Succot-Festival I was on leave and therefore could
take my bus and get my solar system repaired. Later Sha'ul and Renate returned to Germany,
disgusted with "Sol-Or" , which had become involved in an
ugly scandal.
In the meanwhile they have 13 children, live in South Germany , and
are very good friends of Margret and her children.
When Utz and Margret visited me during that week at Clil, they saw
my predicament with Channah.
Following a support-session on the roof of my bus, Utz wrote a note
- for me to remember.
It gave me strength and courage to get out of the victim-role, into
which I had regressed again...
Less than a month later , the vision of the "Succah" came
down on me... [see
the fragment of my "Succah Diary"]
Utz and Margret traveled on to the desert, for weeks.
It was in the desert, where a child was conceived.
When the child was born, on July 29, 1989, the parents contacted me
(how?): "It is a boy! Will you find out his name?"
I knew: he was supposed to be called "Gavriel".
Not "Gabriel" , the name of a multitude of men and women
on this planet,
but in the Hebrew spelling: Gavriel = God is strong.
I wrote them my thorough research on the meaning of the name for the
child.
His nickname now is "Gav", which means "back",
the back of a body, of a group.
From an old composition of photos: left:
Irene, 1986, middle: Margret with Tamar in the desert, 1992, right:
outside my bus:
Margret and my daughter dance, 1988
Margret and Utz , in the city of Berlin
and in the desert of Israel
In Berlin "the wall fell", November 9, 1989.
Utz and Margret chose to help the new East of Germany,
and moved to a place east of East Berlin, Utz as a minister, Margret
as a healer.
A daughter was born in February 1992, - I called her "Tamar",
and another son was born in October 1994 - I called him "Jotam".
There is nothing on Healing-K.i.s.s. yet about the biblical man called
"Jotam",
but there is much about the two women called Tamar, King
David's poor daughter,
and the non-Israelite great-great-great grandmother
of David, symbol of the Messiah.
When
Tamar was still a baby, her parents came with her and Gavriel
as paying guests in "Succah
in the Desert"
And 2 years later, when I no longer worked as a hostess in the
Succah,
but still lived across the hill in "David's
Harem",
Margret visited me with baby Jotam, probably in spring 1995,
and helped me to figure out and sow the pink "roof"
above the 3 pyramidal tents,
which I had erected next to my bus.
They now were delighted to find that stool,
which baby Jotam pushed around, still on my veranda. I had bought it in Berlin and taken
it in Channah's caravan
through Italy and Greece to Israel in February 1988.
Then we lost contact,
Margret and Utz separated,
the parish-house at Zittau had to be left,
their children got split up... pain~pain~pain.
I, on the other hand, moved into a flat at Modi'in,
later to Noah's
Cave,
later to Mazkeret Batya and simultaneously
into a pyramidal tent at "Rakhaf",
later to
Arad.
When I did my "Wombing-Ritual" in the
swimming-pool every day for an entire year,
there were among those I "wombed" in the womb (rekhem)
of compassion (rakhamim):
"to Margret and Utz, Gavriel and Tamar and Jotam be-rakhmi rakhamim"
Now, obviously, some angel thought, that we had to find each other
again.
Exactly at
a time,
when I had put a distance between me and even my closest friends in
Israel.
At the end of October my
oldest friend, Anke Ristenpart, Berlin, informed me by snail-mail,
that she and her partner would go to Auroville in India and around
Christmas to Nuweiba in Sinai.
I wondered, why she would come to Sinai and not cross the border to
Eilat and come to Arad.
But it was alright for me: "Du
meine heilige Einsamkeit" - You
my holy lonesomeness! Little did I guess, that not Anke, but Margret was to come
to me!
The synchronicity was even more incredible than usual:
Anke and Margret had met in the circle of my pupils and friends 22
years ago and never since.
Anke is traveling constantly, Margret had to save money for 7 years
to allow herself this journey.
And now she met the one woman who had my phone-number - in Nuweiba!
And here we are - in Israel, at the Beersheva bus-station - embracing...
I look at those children, whom I see as my "Patenkinder",
my "godchildren",
for it is through me, that they learnt about the names, which they
had chosen in the beyond.
While walking from the bus-station in Arad to my home,
I warned them that my "castle" was very small,
just one room with a kitchen-corner, but with a spacious veranda.
[the photos were taken in June 2007]
Since in the room there is no table to
eat on,
the first evening they wanted to sit outside despite the cold..
Later meals they gladly enjoyed on my big mattrass inside.
Suddenly I saw Gavriel without his
cap,
but when he felt the camera pointed at him,
he hurried to put the cap back.
"Here are two messages for you,
Gavriel", I said to him the next evening,
when we waited for the bus from Ein-Gedi to Arad, "and know, that I am nothing but
a sounding-board
for your own voice inside.
"First: You have to get out of the closet, Gavriel,
and show yourself,
only then can you fulfill what you came for.
You are a starchild, don't you know that?
"Second - what you called your "laziness"
I called "surrending to the moment"
and this is fine,
except when it contradicts a desire of yours.
Your desire is to write and to stage and to act,
so pull yourself together - once!
and learn to write on the computer!"
He promised both,
and the cap was less on his head from then on.
The hosting of the four grownup people was easy,
and not only because I, for a change, took it easy.
They said, that Margret, Tamar and Jotam would sleep on the "bed",
and Gavriel would sleep on a mattrass next to them.
No need to pull the double mattrass from behind the cupboard and squeeze
it in.
And I didn't do all the work. "Look under the shelves around the bed,
Margret,
and pull the blankets you need from there."
No need to control, no need to make it easy for
them.
I was surprised, how it worked, the
and what lovely reflection I created in those guests!
For they took everything easy.
For instance on the next day: would there be anything to eat?
They knew , that there was no shop or kiosk on "Noah's Shore".
I did take care for some food - but with ease, with little planning.
Or:
Would we reach the various busses in time? No worry, no hurry!
Or:
the next night, after we had come home from the Salt Sea: "I'll try to sleep in the shower-room!"
I said and explained: "I couldn't sleep well, because some of
you snored,
softly and not for long,
but enough to wake me up and not let me fall asleep again."
In their case, I would have felt terribly guilty ,
I would have suggested all kinds of alternative solutions.
But they took it just the way I had said it: "I'll try!"
and they laughed about themselves and each other for snoring.
No guilt, no blame!
All through the many interactions
between mother and children,
between the siblings,
between all of them and me.
It truly was stunning.
"Don't you ever get mad at each other?"
I asked the last morning. "Oh yes, we do!" said Margret
and demonstrated her own screaming.
Laughing all the way through.
So did Tamar, imitating herself when being mad at her mother,
and concluding: "This is a necessary game, now and then,
I wouldn't miss it!"
So the following night I tried something new:
I'm now trying to find a corner with enough perspective for a photo:
Instead of sleeping in the kitchen-corner between cupboard, fridge
and sink,
I squeezed the smallest mattress between the lavatory seat and my
wardrobe, [which was the result of a cooperation
between my equipment angel Ezriel and my ingenuity:
an old broom-stick placed upon top of the shower-cell and a kind of
metal shelf-stand,
which in 2004 I found on the street, just before parting from my rented
flat in Modi'in.
Until now I've no idea concerning the original purpose of this funny
shelf,
but already during my short time at Micha's rented house in Mazkeret
Batya (2004)
I used it, both as a shelf for my many diverse backpacks.
and as one "pole" for the wardrobe broom-stick.]
The dresses (all inherited from my
three daughters and from friends) hang high enough,
to provide me just enough space for my feet underneath.
The wardrobe covered with a cloth from
Africa, a gift from Nalini, a friend in India,
when they
visited me in the Ein-Gedi Fieldschool shortly before Margret
came there. On the right edge of the broom-stick my coat, bought
in Boulder, Colorado, when I visited my daughter's family
in 1995, while Uri got leave from the army to study there for
2 years... - Every item in my house is associated with memories...
The shower-cell with a towel on the door
is to the right, the funny shelf-pole with the backpacks to
the left, and in front a nice stand for the big mirror, which
Immanuel bought for my mirror-less flat in Modi'in (2001-2004).
The stand is made of wooden boxes from the "couple desk",
I had asked a carpenter to make for Rafael's and my study room,
Ramat-Hadar 1966-1980
This is the opposite side:
I put a nice towel over the toilet for the night,
so as to transform it into a kind of furniture.
With my head under it,
I was afraid, it would stink,
since all the flat's sewage
goes to a special pump behind the toilet,
but it didn't,
or that the pump would suddenly start to work,
and it did, but before I had fallen asleep,
I got up, to close the sink-faucet tighter,
so that no drops would accumulate
which in turn would activate the pump.
The model
of my pyramidal tent
covering the model of Noah's
pyramidal Ark,
served me well,
when Jotam showed interest
in how the tent is made,
the tent which I pointed to
when we sat on the veranda in the cold evening; "Look,
my last and personal tent is hidden there under the palmfronds
,
all along the wall, [see above, on the photo
of the veranda]
the length of each bamboo pole
of the exterior tent is 3,66 cm
and of the interior tent 3,33!"
There are at least ten more stories
hidden in items on the picture,
but I'll let go for now....
The first night we were still talking, Margret and I and Gavriel,
who suddenly melted and took his cap off and talked and made my heart
rejoice.
All the while his younger siblings fell asleep, woven around each
other like yin and yang...
/2007_08_21-14-Shalom,savta.jpg)
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