The Purpose  of   HEALING - K.i.s.s. as stated 10 years ago - was and is to help me and my potential PEERS to HEAL ourselves into WHOLEness, and - as holograms - all of Creation!

Intro to Healing-K.i.s.s. 2001-2011 and Overview of its main libraries [If you look for a word on this page, click ctrl/F and put a word in "find"]

As the fruit of becoming whole = accepting all of myself, I desire: to live and explore and evolve   L O V E   in my personal life and to play my part in creating the conditions for Heaven-on-Earth by radiating grate-full-ness, zest-full-ness and full-fill-ment on the actors in my individual life-drama and on all human beings!

 

The Dangers of Virtual Interaction
2002_06_03; last update: 2009_12_11

On Christine's website
I found a striking Dialogue with the Mother
that talks the same language as Godchannel.
It explains the dangers and the benefits
of trying to do the healing work -virtually- through the Internet.

A Channeling About the Internet Anonymous Mother and Father, please will you tell me about the Internet and its effects on this healing myself and others are trying to achieve? ... "First of all, the light from the internet creates a problem. This is partly because the quality and frequency can change so quickly. You can be open to receiving loving response and before you know it you are receiving rage or hating blame. You do not have time to feel into whether you are truly open to receiving these things at the time, they are just pounded into you. "It is a very "hi tech" pounding - ruthlessly accurate like a laser. ... "It is much harder for Body to process and clear this light, this is NOT the sort of light your energy systems are really designed to receive - it is strong and heartless. Heart connections can be formed over the internet, however, and the strength of these connections minimizes potential damage considerably. "The light has a slightly mesmeric effect and in large doses is increasingly numbing and addictive. (also like a drug in some ways). Often the result is that people using the internet for healing cease to be fully present in Body in the First Attention where the healing is so needed. They begin to need to give and receive "orchestrated" triggers of increasing intensity in the virtual space to feel anything at all. Real-life triggers, the healing opportunities We create in you that you may move, express and change what needs to be, become irritations or are even overlooked as your awareness becomes solely focused on your virtual processes. "By its very nature the internet is a denial both of the Mother's powers and also of Body's. It can increase the gap between Spirit and Body, denying Body's input as unnecessary even in romantic relationships... "The Body/Spirit gap is one that MUST heal. "... Whilst the sharing of information, feelings and experiences over the internet can be extremely helpful to many and can help to increase Heart presence, direct, online "processing" is not ever really advisable because of the lack of physical context ... "Process has to involve Body to be truly complete and for all gaps to close. "Attempting to process this way is where gaps can open with such extreme rapidity, that unloving light can strike the Will before either the giver or the receiver really knows what is going on there. Bad light travelling this web that you have created around the Earth is able to penetrate so deeply because of its great speed..." Q Thank-you. This feels scary though, like I shouldn't use the internet at all. I have no one in my First Attention life at the moment who practises RUOW and I do feel dependent on some internet relation with people. "There are ways to use this tool both safely and lovingly - you do not have to give up your friends and the love you have found here, provided you follow certain guidelines."

I am quoting from this important channeling on 2001_09_27,
in order to promise myself - to learn and - heed the warning
and not use my site for "online processing" of triggered emotions.

My own 10 days on Godchannel-Forum were bad,
 and so were my 3 or 4 ardent attempts - years ago
  to get "RUOW-people" to cooperate in healing work.
I therefore also adopt Christine's warning:

"Regarding RUOW email lists and forums -
a word of advice for the tender hearted ~
Tread carefully.

"Do not pressure yourself,
or allow others to pressure you,
to stay in a hurtful situation.
If you find yourself in a situation
where you feel abused and hurt and helpless,
process as much around the triggers as you can
and then allow yourself to leave.

"Guilt which says
you must stay and take it, or stay to process ~
guilt which says
you're avoiding triggers or are in denial of something ~
or any other kind of pressure,
is a way to get you to override yourself.
It is one of the worst twists on emotional healing,
and is a LIE. "

[Back to entry-side] [Back to "Contact"]

February 3, 2011: Dear Maryam, (is this the name you prefer?)

I have been reading and going through your site on and of for the last 1-2 years.
My intention is to manifest Wholeness. I feel more in a space to reach out and connect with others who have the same or similar intention(s). I would like to share and also ask questions on more specifics how you move emotion and process / resolve mental judgment etc.

When possible and you feel like it we can connect via skype. Thank you! Markus P.S.: Ich kann auch Deutsch sprechen. I currently live in Texas, USA.

February 3, 2011: Shalom Markus,
of course, it is soothing to know , that out there in the world is a person, who reads my website and lets himself be assisted by it in his own healing process. Please write to me about yourself as much as you feel is relevant for our common decision , that an interaction between us , at this time, would be beneficial.

As an example:
Have you reached a stage in your healing-into-wholeness, which makes you capable of coping with a trigger from me?

In some more words: if you should attract a trigger from me, which comes, as always, "to point out a hole in your wholeness that now wants to heal", are you already whole enough to take responsibility for having attracted it, instead of projecting your pain or anger on me as the "perpetrator"?

Still some more words: Are you capable to connect with me, if you should be triggered, and let me help you with working it out lovingly, instead of simply turning your back on me?
Maryam

February 4, 2011 Dear Maryam,

good and appropriate questions. I can say from my past experience that yes I was able to be triggered and take responsibility for it. But depending on the intensity of the trigger it sometimes can take days until I am fully able to process everything that came up.

The same answer would apply to the second question. It is my intention to heal into wholeness to connect with you and manifest a "heart space" that makes it able for us to heal as gently and lovingly as possible.

I do not wish to create any distorted ideas so I cannot guarantee it. I rather be as transparent as I know how to at this time even if it would mean that you do not wish to interact with me further.

I say this since it all is very relative and my perception of honesty now can seem like lies at a more whole and expanded awareness.

I cannot know at this time what would be relevant for me to share, besides that I felt like contacting you and exploring the possibilities. I understand that you might have had experiences in the past that after people were triggered by/through you it ended in a projection/blaming game and so might have caused even more anguish or pain, and so you like to be very clear not to create that dynamic again.

I have a deep yearning (or at least it seems I do) to manifest Wholeness, I would be grateful therefore for reflections from people that have the same intention for they could show me things I might not be aware of.

I do have to say that if my interaction does not feel good anymore at any point of our sharing I will gently express it so. Since it is all so very relative I cannot make as statement "how far I reached in my healing-into-wholeness process".

I am open to any more specific questions as best as I can so please let me know if there are some other things you would like to know. Thank you! Markus

February 4, 2011, Shalom, Markus

[shalem means "whole", and shalom first of all "wholeness", and only then "peace"]

Fine! You've motivated me to try ...

"I can say from my past experience
that yes I was able to be triggered and take responsibility for it.
But depending on the intensity of the trigger
it sometimes can take days
until I am fully able to process everything that came up."

First Question: How do you process?

February 4, 2011 Dear Maryam, Shalom indeed.

First, coming up is resisting to return answers in writing for it seems so tedious for me instead of verbalizing it via skype for e.g. It takes so much more time and is also less flexible for you cannot immediately explore of any given topic.

So now that I have expressed that I do my best to move and respond through all your material, which also feels somewhat overwhelming ( I let go of the judgment that I have to reply to everything in written form and to do it fast; I LGOTJ [I let go of the judgment] that I cannot take my time and relax and move through this gently and with joy/excitement (I believe you use the words RJ - release judgment, as one of many shorthands - LGOTJ = let go of the judgment).

Things where triggered in me while reading your email, I will point out more specifically when, how and what during my writings (see below I am continuing using your highlighting method which I like to respond - please let me know if how I responded worked for you).

First Question: How do you process?

Very good question indeed and one of the main reasons for me to connect with you more, because I actually do not know specifically how I process and have often responded with mental doubt / insecurity if anything is moving or if I am evolving at all. E.g. the RJ technique which you have on your pages taken from GC and RUOW books (thank you for posting the links for quick access) has had me confused many times because of the uncertainty of its efficiency and is one of many examples.

I will list some of the ways I use conscious and unconsciously to heal.

- expressing emotions: crying, laughing, screaming, vocalizing (allowing certain sounds to come out which can involve moaning, sobbing, high pitched sounds or other other unusual sounds), toning - making sounds / sometimes also randomly singing.

- moving physically: dancing, jogging, hiking, sport, yoga, various physical "labor", among others.

- other endeavors: woodwork, making music, intimacy - hugging, physical touch, kissing.

- meditation: breathwork, running energy, chi gong....

- resolving judgments: becoming aware of my mentality - observing beliefs and judgments, ideas.

- direct experience of intense unconditional love / grace: energy that I experience usually coming from the Creator in a non-linear fashion e.g sitting on my bed and spontaneously bursting into tears deeply touched by the communion that is transpiring, usually I cannot say why when or how it happens. But to the degree of intensity of the experience I "return" with a different experience of "reality".

- Through intense so called traumatic experiences which have triggered me into deep unconsciousness without "me" / my mentality seemingly having a choice to get out but just be participating in the unfoldment. The intensity I usually experience is probably to the degree of judgmental / mental resistance still present, but since I cried out to my Will to move and touch me, to truly live and become whole these things have happened from time to time. The last one was end of 2009 and I am still processing it (I can share more if you are interested in it).

- hmm....there might be some things I have not mentioned but I believe this are the main "themes" and tools.

In your first letter you asked me ,
HOW I move emotions,
and HOW I release judgments.
As a first step it's logical, that I refer you to the oldest pages on my 10 year old website,
the "puzzle pieces" or "God has Evolved", which I set up in order to study RUOW and Godchannel.
http://www.empower.co.il/healingkiss/PuzzlePieces/pp17.htm
http://www.empower.co.il/healingkiss/PuzzlePieces/pp6.htm
You'll find there links to some "younger" material,
but, of course, these two "methods" are permeating
every folder and most pages in all the libraries on Healingkiss:

Second Question: do you trust me,

This question triggered me to some degree.
Anger, due to feeling restricted by feeling judged on what to do.
First, to some degree I already do,
since I have reached out and expressed my intention to connect more deeply with you.
But how can I know if I do
until I have shared and experienced interactions with you
where I authentically felt accepted
when moving my emotions or even accepting my mentality with its judgments?

Again I can write my Intention is to manifest this trust.
This questions feels to demanding to me
in a sense that I have to make a choice Now to trust you
and if I don't I cannot continue to interact with you.
The Paradox is to make that commitment to fully trust you
already requires that I Trust - In my Self, Life, You~~
but can I not have the space to come to you
even without that Trust fully present but the loving space to evolve that Trust?
Yes, that would require deep trust from your side too.
Trust that my call out to you will manifest its ripples as it will.
But since we are both I feel on a level of Awareness
where we can express if something does not feel good
and choose to not continue the interaction
why not just do it and see what happens?
This again as mentioned would require Trust looked on from a different angle.
Trusting that We cannot control the future of our expression
but only be aware of our Intentions Now.
And this Intentions are also free to evolve in whichever way feels good to us both.
It is important for me to express myself,
and expressing what I have stated above
does not mean I am blaming you for triggering me in this way.
Actually expressing myself helps me to see certain things and feel
and therefore gives me the space to evolve these. I do not wish to deny my feelings
even if these feelings could still be just "mental feelings" manifested Will reflections
due to certain judgments I am still holding in my mentality.

so we can do such processes together,
instead of "taking days until..."?
This would mean that you would tell me: "I am triggered by what you wrote" ,
and then you would ask me:
"I trust you, that you will listen (or "support me")
when I voice and express my feelings, even if they include blaming!"
My specific expression for non-judgmental "listening" or "supporting" is:
"to womb",
i.e. if I would need your support, I would ask:
"Can you be a womb for me?" or "Are you able to womb me?"

Even so this would be a great Gift for me
to be able to "hold space" / "manifest "heart space" - for each other
("hold space" / "manifest "heart space" would be somewhat synonymous to
"to be a womb for me / or being in the womb")

It's from the noun "raekhem" in Hebrew and "rakham" in Arabic = womb
that the words "compassion" and "be compassionate" are derived, in both languages.
And, indeed, why is the womb such a perfect metaphor for non-judgmental acceptance?
Because in the womb there is no duality, polarity of light and darkness, water and non-water.
Without polarity - no choice - without choice - no responsibility - without responsibility - no judgment.

Once we have voiced, breathed, expressed, blinked, moaned, screamed, cried ,
in short : vibrated unbearable feelings through Body,
"Spirit" helps to make sense of the situation that triggered us,
or to realize and release the judgments which brought up the feelings in the first place,
or to say it in the terms, which I developed, when I learnt Re-evaluation Counseling (since 1977):
I realize, that the situation is not as hopeless as I thought,
and the other person is not as bad as I thought,
and I myself am not as powerless as I thought.
From this point onward I also can "let the feelings guide me"
into the situations I desire and towards the people, whom I choose.

Of course, you know all this, but it doesn't hurt, if I re-phrase it for both of us.

I now repeat the question:
Will you be able to do this process with me,
or let me do my process with you, should it be necessary?
Will you trust me , when you need me as a womb?
Can I trust you , when I need you as a womb?
This would also pertain to triggers which are not connected to the two of us!

Now let me - rightaway - put our maturity for this healing-work to a test!
Please breathe and blink and breathe , before you read on!

breathing, breathing, blinking....breathing

My two websites, www.Empower.co.il/Healing-K.i.s.s and www.Empower.co.il/ARARAT
are almost my only possible way to at least imagine ....,
that I'm sharing with "the world" (including my family of 16 "actors")
- what I've learnt, what I deeply know, and how I apply this,
- also how I heal myself,. and what nourishment from others is relevant for me,
- and finally -how I mature myself towards what I most desire:
L O V I N G    C O - C R E A T O N    B E T W E E N    P E E R S
[which is also the very purpose, - as you may have read in Godchannel's most perplexing message
-why Original Heart split itself into duality and multiplicity]
I therefore must be as transparent as the present time-period allows for.
You must have read the subtitle of my website , when I started it in 2001:
"For myself and for my potential peers who want to heal into wholeness".
Maybe this is the time to manifest my deepest desire.
Maybe it's with you, Markus Sung, that manifestation has begun and will go on.
But this means - and this is the test -
are you ready to publicize our correspondence on my website?

Here again I'm being Triggered.
Anxiety, some Anger due to feeling limited or challenged
into something I do not fully feel comfortable and ready to do yet.
I have to say that it has been very challenging for me
to "expose" myself in different ways in the last few years especially.
Before my last birthday in nov 2010,
I did not allow people to take pictures of me
and avoided being in pictures / video or any recordings as much as possible.
After my birthday I started to resolve some of my judgments to some degree regarding this.
Still things come up and I do not always choose to be exposed in certain ways.
Eg. I never had a cell phone, Facebook, myspace or public videos on youtube.
The paradox is that I yearn for a deep connection with people
(a deep yearning to be whole within expressed through peers).
I am open to evolve to allow to come to sharing things about our process on the website
but I cannot do so until I have moved my feelings and resolved the judgments to such a degree that it feels natural and comfortable to do so.

Just writing this brings up sadness because of the reflection
"why do I have to do something to receive something?!"
why can I not just simple do what I can do to the best of my ability
"here in regards to connecting with you" without having to make agreements to (pause)~~~
I just had a short bout of crying~~~
in reflection it was moving pain in regards to the held belief
that I have to compromise in anyway to receive what I desire.
(I LGOTJ that I have to sell myself
or agree to something that doesn't truly feel good
or would override any part including my mentality of my self;
I LGOTJ that I am bad, unworthy or wrong for not compromising
even if that means that I will not be able to interact with certain people
or be in certain circumstances
or receive certain things that I desire at that time;
I LGOTJ that I am in fact bad or wrong or unworthy
for choosing to follow my feelings and Ideas
which I feel are for my highest good at this time -
even if on some more expanded awareness level this might not be the case).

As you might see here, it takes time for me to write all this~~~
because my mind is well versed in expressing,
sometimes this can get in the way of just fully feeling
since I am then mostly in my "head"
instead of being more in my Body,
connected to my sensations and feelings,
although mentally expressing sometimes actually supports for openings
so emotions can come up (as just experienced with my bout of crying).
Anyway......breathing in deeply....

I am taking a break after almost 45 min....

Not immediately, but after a certain progression in our sharing?
Of course, there may be passages, that we'll ask each other, to leave out,
but in general? Without further quest for permission?


"It is my intention to heal into wholeness
to connect with you
and manifest a "heart space"
that makes it able for us to heal as gently and lovingly as possible".

I am grate-full!

"I do not wish to create any distorted ideas so I cannot guarantee it.
I rather be as transparent as I know how to at this time."

Yes! Just be as transparent as You know how to - at t h i s time!

"I cannot know at this time what would be relevant for me to share,
besides that I felt like contacting you and exploring the possibilities."

I appreciate your honesty very, very much.
But if you don't know, what you want to share with me,
how can you "explore the possibilities"?

I know my Intention
- to see if I am ready at this time to connect more deeply with you
to see if it is possible for me to be a womb and you be a womb for me,
once being triggered, or not.
To see if by receiving reflections through you
how ready or truly I am desiring to heal into wholeness,
or if my mind just talks about it without actually doing anything
which keeps part of my Will possibly quite frustrated and irritated
due to my constant mental blabbering / avoiding mechanisms if that were the case.

In any case - I, myself, desire to know a bit about your life circumstances:
Were you born in Germany?

Yes.

when?

November 14th 1981

Why are you in Texas now?

After my parents moved to Ecuador in June 2010, I went with them,
but in the process of the 3 month instead of staying there
I also had the choice to go anywhere I wanted.
My Intuition "told me, through feelings" to move to Austin Texas.
Even though from a logical perspective it was not an easy choice
(I can further express more why maybe another time).
From then the next phase of my "Experiment" began
which I am very much in the process now.
I would prefer to go into more details another time possible via skype.

Are you married?

No.

Children?

No.

What is your job?

Long answer part I would have to indulge you more into what my current "Experiment" is about. For now it is suffice to say that I am self employed during a variety of things.
- Landscaping, yard work, woodwork,
among which are also some projects like Optimizing (organizing, optimizing work flow and effectiveness of diverse processes ) "Casa de Luz" which is a Macrobiotic restaurant.

What is your dream, your vocation?

My main dream is to manifest Wholeness.
Some ways how I desire to express this
is using my music to create "healing" especially for children
(Lullabies to create "Heart Space" and move emotions)
Which I am already partially in the process of doing.

How did you come in contact with Godchannel, and with my website?

In 2006 after an intense experience which lead me more deeply into my subconscious
I was guided to find the website online.
I then progressed to find any other connections or writings in regards to GC
(your link is on their links page)

What is your present focus of desire, or of coping?

Do not fully understand what you mean
(how does it differ from the above question of what is your dream, your vocation?)
also what do mean by coping?

Let me know if any of my answers are unclear
or as might be the case more questions to my answers arise.

I do ask if you would reconsider connecting with me via skype when it feels good to you.

Thank you. Markus



"I understand that you might have had experiences in the past
that after people were triggered by / through you
it ended in a projection / blaming game
and so might have caused even more anguish or pain,
and so you like to be very clear not to create that dynamic again."

Perfect understanding! Thank you!

"I have a deep yearning (or at least it seems I do) to manifest Wholeness,"

In that , at least, we are already "Peers"!

"I would be grateful therefore for reflections from people that have the same intention
for they could show me things I might not be aware of. "

I, too, would want you to give me such reflections.

"I do have to say that if my interaction does not feel good anymore at any point of our sharing
I will gently express it so. "

This gentle expression is all I need in such a case,
and the same will be true for me in such a case.

Maryam
[response to 2 suggestions in your first letter;
at this point I prefer to write and not to talk through Skype, and to write in English!]

 

February 4-7, 2011
Dear Markus,

I was told by my "Cosmic Self",
that at this time I should give preference to interacting with you,
and that it will be, indeed, the first bud on the tree of my ancient desire,
for which I set up "Healing-K.i.s.s.": "to simplify and personalize Godchannel,
for myself and for my potential peers who want to heal into wholeness."
I was also told, that it's me who has to learn from this interaction more than you!
What I have to learn, you'll find out yourself in time.

As to you, you stood a test,
which is much greater than agreeing to "transparency":
you did not back off when feeling "overwhelmed"!!!

Yes, how I wrote and what I wrote , was "overwhelming".
Now you have an idea, who I am - being ME, no longer dwarfing myself,
if someone attracts me into his/her drama,
even if only for 20 minutes of my hitchhiking with a man or a woman.
You stood up to me
and you shared with me all or some of the feelings that came up in doing so.
This is the way for you to come in contact and evolve towards your own greatness,
and I believe, that after a short while you'll smile about having been "overwhelmed" at first.

But look at the rules-for-the-beginning which I've set up!
- No talking face to face, leave alone via Skype!
Writing slows us down, slows our process down.
Recently I read, that the more the exterior world is accelerating,
the more we - who are here to heal Creation into Wholeness -
must slow down.
If you "don't have time", then take your time with responding.
Just sent me one sentence: "I'll need time !"
And then take your time, a week, a month, a year.
And when you feel, that I am still too much for you, then tell me this too,
and it will be fine - for both, you and me.

I've carefully read and edited (for myself), what you wrote,
so I can respond more fully i n   t h e   f u t u r e.
For now, I want to keep my letters short ,
focusing on each little step towards trusting each other.

Tell me, if you can accept my quest to write instead of skyping,
w i t h o u t    compromising.
Compromise, says Godchannel, is nothing but denial.
To make 1+1=3 is the aim.

And - could you, please, correct and edit carefully what you write?

I would like to hear the stories which you postponed:
Your experience in 2006, at the end of 2009 and the experience you started in Texas

Shalom - Maryam
.

February 10, 2011, Shalom Maryam!

please see below for reply.

I was told by my "Cosmic Self",
that at this time I should give preference to interacting with you,
and that it will be, indeed, the first bud on the tree of my ancient desire,
for which I set up "Healing-K.i.s.s.": "to simplify and personalize Godchannel,
for myself and for my potential peers who want to heal into wholeness."
I was also told, that it's me who has to learn from this interaction more than you!
What I have to learn, you'll find out yourself in time.

just after finishing the first paragraph of your email, I had contractions in my abdominal region and started to sob.
I was moved. After that I felt my head throbbing, which is not always the case when I cry, its a very particular feeling having some similarity to sexual energy moving up and staying in my head. (maybe more of my Will touching my Mentality?) I do not know.

One important point for me is that even though I might occasionally express something which may come across as "blaming" it is something that comes up that I feel / belief I need or cannot express otherwise in that moment but that because of the opportunity to be expressed in that particular way (because our intention is to "womb") is given more loving acceptance and therefore can evolve and heal. It does not necessarily mean that my expression or opinion will stay fixed in that way. It is possible that the next time we interact I have resolved some judgments around the reflections you have given me and therefore received a broader understanding. Also my intention in expressing myself that way does also not necessarily imply that I expect you to change in any way to comply in regards to my expression. Not at all. It can give us both the option to reflect, resolve, evolve and decide again what we desire to experience. I feel that clear communication is one of many key ingredients in allowing "heart space" and intimacy to manifest. - I just felt fear and anxiety come up writing the last sentence, because I have an idea that writing this means that I am "there" and naturally do all the things I write, that is not the case. -

So for an e.g.: " I feel that you are still placing too many rules around how our interaction should take place, that you still like to clearly define how the process must take place and that you like to record everything accurately, is it not your intention to simplify (GC)? Rules can be like judgments, confining and making rigid, instead more playful and childlike, spontaneous without the mental censoring that generally takes places. I observe that you, giving me that reflection, is because my intention is to resolve the many rules I have created for myself. A major part of my current "experimental phase" is to be guided much more by Body and Will which is "non-linear". Yes, Rules can also be made because of certain preferences and therefore useful. But staying flexible and having the ability to resolve these in the blink of an eye is beneficial for me".

So you can see these are some of my feelings / thoughts coming up that I desire to express but at the same time expressing does not mean I reject you as a person or find it bad that you made / make these choices. I hope it makes sense what I mean what I wrote in the last two paragraphs. Having the ability for me to share what I feel and think with the opportunity for you to womb these is a beautiful gift. Thank you!

As to you, you stood a test,
which is much greater than agreeing to "transparency":
you did not back off when feeling "overwhelmed"!!!

Yes, how I wrote and what I wrote , was "overwhelming".
Now you have an idea, who I am - being ME, no longer dwarfing myself,
if someone attracts me into his/her drama,
even if only for 20 minutes of my hitchhiking with a man or a woman.
You stood up to me
and you shared with me all or some of the feelings that came up in doing so.
This is the way for you to come in contact and evolve towards your own greatness,
and I believe, that after a short while you'll smile about having been "overwhelmed" at first.

But look at the rules-for-the-beginning which I've set up!
- No talking face to face, leave alone via Skype!
Writing slows us down, slows our process down.
Recently I read, that the more the exterior world is accelerating,
the more we - who are here to heal Creation into Wholeness -
must slow down.

These are some valid points. There is a possibility that by communicating in a faster more direct way I would override some of my feelings. It could be that my desire to interact "faster" is because I do not wish to feel everything, but that I do not know yet. On the other hand I would imagine that using verbal interaction (skype, webcam etc.) where more senses are involved could be beneficial and supportive in expressing and healing, although more intense too.
I do have another option to suggest and that is "I reply to your questions via voice recording and then send them to you as email attachments". So in that way you can continue to write and I can use my voice. Still, if this does not feel good to you either I am open to communication via email, especially in the beginning.

If you "don't have time", then take your time with responding.
Just sent me one sentence: "I'll need time !"
And then take your time, a week, a month, a year.
And when you feel, that I am still too much for you, then tell me this too,
and it will be fine - for both, you and me.

Thank you for that Space.

I've carefully read and edited (for myself), what you wrote,
so I can respond more fully i n  t h e f u t u r e.
For now, I want to keep my letters short ,
focusing on each little step towards trusting each other.

Yes. Whatever feels comfortable, good and natural to you (my self).

Tell me, if you can accept my quest to write instead of skyping,
w i t h o u t   compromising.
Compromise, says Godchannel, is nothing but denial.
To make 1+1=3 is the aim.

I accept but to do so without compromise would be a lie. But I do compromise still in many areas of my life. I do so until I am able to resolve certain judgments and move emotions that show me another choice I can make that is more valid. Sometimes I feel that to allow myself to compromise is also to feel more deeply and see more clearly if the experience of compromise comes because of certain mental judgments or if they are truly Will feelings to be honored. So I have used compromise as a tool before. (as simple example: "I desire to eat a certain food and in doing so I am compromising my "health" to some degree, but I am also allowing myself to resolve the judgment that this food is always bad for me no matter what). (No Compromise would probably also mean a complete Spirit in total alignment with Loving Light).

And - could you, please, correct and edit carefully what you write?

Could you clarify more by what you mean by that? - feelings again coming up of confinement, rules and regulations, that I am doing something not right or not good enough. Expressing again as above: you say your intention is to simplify (GC), but do not rules make life more complicated? Childlike expression is my yearning without the fear of judgmental repercussion of "this is right and this is wrong", this you "can do" this you "cannot". On the other hand I do know this well within myself to record everything to bring all thoughts and emotions into "linear form". I do write Inspirations and experiences down from time to time. But as I have in 2006 where I had an epiphany as part of my experience that Life cannot be thought out or written down, Life is a Feeling experience, I burned probably more than 300-400 pages, all of my journals so to speak. I started writing again when things "came to me" naturally around the summer of 2010. Paradoxically I rarely if ever read what I have written.

On another note, it is interesting that you wrote "Compromise, says Godchannel, is nothing but denial", because in the last half year of my "experiment" one of the phrases I used for myself is "No Compromise Method", and it is fascinating to explore how relative everything can be, and once I have shifted into more awareness and wholeness to see how much I have still compromised. Step by step fine tuning...

Other than that does the way I answer your questions by highlighting them as above work for you? Please do let me know when something is not clear or you like more clarifications on anything.

I see our interactions similar to an evolving relationship. Even though we might be triggered by things that come up we can choose to deepen our connection by allowing that which came up to guide as to our own fragments and touch them ever so gently and regain intimacy within. I see great value for me to learn from you and the reflections you give whatever they may be, still I might feel overwhelmed, scared, annoyed, frustrated, afraid, disgusted, confused with the whole process, but as long I (we) can womb these feelings, thoughts and movements also I can continue to heal and evolve.

I would like to hear the stories which you postponed:
Your experience in 2006, at the end of 2009 and the experience you started in Texas

More about this in my coming emails (or voice recordings if that be the case).

February 14, 2011 Shalom Markus,

00:01 Also, ich gebe mich geschlagen. Ich weiche Deiner Standhaftigkeit.
Das ist kein Kompromiss, sondern die Annahme Deiner Herausforderung.
Beginne mit Deinem Vorschlag, - alldieweil mein skype nicht arbeitet-
[ich werde meinen Sohn bitten, es mir durch remote control in Ordnung zu bringen]
mir ein sound attachment mit Deinen "Geschichten" zu schicken. Und bitte auch ein Bild.

Ich nahm mir Zeit, - auch weil ich auf meiner website noch Dinge vollenden wollte,
aber vor allem, weil ich hoffte, Klarheit zu bekommen.
Um 23:00 legte ich mich schlafen und bat darum, bis morgen eindeutig zu wissen,
was ich "mit Dir anfangen soll".
Da kam aber auch die Antwort schon, und ich konnte nicht einschlafen.
Deswegen habe ich den Computer und den elektr. Ofen wieder angemacht,
Deinen Brief noch einmal gelesen - anders als das erste Mal...
und nun schreibe ich eben, - wirklich mit ganzem Herzen - was Du hoeren wolltest:
Ich oeffne mich Deiner Spontaneitaet und lasse "confinement, rules and regulations" sausen.
Diesmal hast du - wie ich es wuenschte - sehr klar geschrieben,
und dass solche Zeugnisse nun verloren sein werden, wenn wir reden, ist "schade".
Aber das eben ist eines der Dinge, die ich zwar weiss, aber durch Dich "er-leben" kann,
"that Life cannot be thought out or written down, Life is a Feeling experience"!
Zitternd vor Angst und mehr noch vor Scham - fuehle ich nun Freude auf "uns".
Ich habe mir erlaubt in mein Kaestchen mit uralten Engelkaertchen zu gucken.
Da lag doch tatsaechlich "Joy" obenauf. Maryam

February 14, 2011 Dear Maryam,
I am currently going through a somewhat intense "energetic detox" which is accompanied with flu like symptoms (maybe bacterial infection). I just like you to know, before you might start wandering where I am, that it could take some time before I am feeling the energy and space to record my experiences and continue our interactions.

I did feel excitement when having read your last response.Thank you Shalom, Markus

Febr. 15, 2011
Thank you for informing me.
And though my son fixed my skype
skype-name: Christa-Rachel
(but I couldn't test it yet)
I feel it is right,
that there is a delay,
till we "really begin".

Finetune to your Body, Markus!Maryam

On March 3, 19:50_20:25 we had our first skype-talk

Arad, March 4, 2011, 8:05Christa Rachel Bat-Adam to Sung

Shalom, Friede und Ganzsein sei Dir, Markus,
Ich habe 12 Minuten, ehe ich mich auf den Weg mache,
durch ein kurzes steiles Wuestenwadi und dann zur Busstation.

Ich muss etwas ergaenzen, was ich unterbrochen habe,
weil ich eine Chance sah, Dich zu hoeren (Musik und Singen).
Also der Spruch bei Ecclesiastes heisst:
"... eine Zeit zum Umarmen und eine Zeit sich zu entfernen vom Umarmen"
Auf Hebraeisch ist das noch staerker, weil die Verbform fuer das erste Umarmen das Richtige ,
die Verbform fuer das zweite Umarmen das Nicht-Richtige andeutet.
Ich erwaehnte das - falls Du es nicht mitgekriegt oder vergessen hast -
in Bezug auf meine Geschichte mit Ya'acov,
Das Merkwuerdige ist, wie er und Du, Du und er sich sozusagen ausschliessen:
Dein erster Brief kam 2 Tage nachdem ich eine technische Gelegenheit ihn zu sehen, nuetzte,
und waehrend der einen Stunde eben ganz klar verstand,
dass meine Phantasien bezueglich einer wirklichen Healing-Learning-Loving Partnerschaft
endgueltig aufs Eis gelegt werden mussten.
Alles war natuerlich ganz ehrlich, ohne denial, zwischen uns auch ausgesprochen.
Dann aber war, wie ich Dir erzaehlte, dieses ploetzliche resentment von October 2008
- eine merkwuerdige Erscheinung von der Folge eines gar nicht wahrgenommenen denials uebrigens -
und ich musste das noch in Ordnung bringen.
Ein Tag , nachdem alles wirklich geheilt und ganz war zwischen Ya'acov und Rachel,
fuehltest Du, dass nun "unsere" Zeit gekommen war,
um einander nicht nur zu schreiben, sondern sogar zu hoeren und zu sehen, wenn auch durch den Computer.

So - noch 3 Minuten, ich zittere - was ich Dir auch noch sagen will,
ist wenigstens ein Anfang von dem, was ich waehrend und nach unserer Begegnung gefuehlt habe.
(Und ich brauche es dr i n g e n d, dass Du dasselbe tust, und mich zudeckst, wo ich mich jetzt aufdecke:)
Da waren vielleicht 20 Prozent Freude, der Rest war Scham und Angst!
Angst, dass ich wie ein Sturmwind ueber Dich fege,
grade weil ich mich in Bezug auf Aktion und Interaktion so "limitiert" - Dein Wort! -habe,
dass nun alles "alles" auf einmal herausstuerzen will wie ein zehnfacher Niagara,
eben im Sinne des Spruches, den ich in "k.i.s.s.-log" seit August 2008 ueber jeden Eintrag in 5 Sprachen + tune geschrieben habe:
"Then those who see Hashem will talk among each other and he listens and he hears.
"Dann die IHN schauen werden reden miteinander und er lauscht und er hoert. "

Meine Zeit ist um
Christa-Rachel

Shoham, March 4, 2011, 11:52 AM
Efrat, my daughter-in-love, war wieder so "lustig",
das Haus zu verlassen, kurz ehe ich ankommen wuerde.
Sie liebt mich sehr und freut sich sehr, dass ich komme -
was sowieso ihre Initiative war und ist -
aber wie alle meine Kinder und fast alle Menschen ist sie ambivalent
und hat Angst , mit mir allein zu sein.
Ich bin eben ein Michelangelo, der die Skulptur erkennt,
wenn sie noch im Felsen verborgen ist,
und das ist schwer fuer die Menschen,
die mich in ihr Drama ziehen.
Da muessen sie ihre Groesse im Spiegel sehen,
das, was sie sind, obwohl sie es noch nicht wirklich leben.
Es sind nur Minuten oder halbe-Stunden der Gnade,
wenn ich schon mal da bin,
dass Efrat sich oeffnet
und mich als "Resonanzboden" gebraucht .

Da ich also ein bisschen Zeit habe,
(eben rief sie an, fragte wie ich die Fahrt ueberstanden haette
und kuendete an, dass sie und Mika sich verspaeten wuerden,
"also noch spaeter als das Ende des Kindergartens um 12:45?"
"Ja, noch spaeter, ich gehe mit ihr zum Friseur!"
Mir ist's recht - ich bin immer am liebsten in my holy al-one-ness!)
wollte ich mal  im Internet einige Dinge erforschen, die gestern aufkamen.
Es gelang mir aber nicht so schnell wie ich Geduld hatte.
Also schicke mir bitte links
a) zu der Sung Sekte
b) zu der Musik, die Du machst (ich verstand nur das Wort "Ambient"]

Und schliesslich - im Bus las ich im gruenen RUOW Buch
mal wieder ueber Martin Luther King, Lenon, Mary und Jesus,
warum , das erzaehle ich ein andermal.
Dabei kam mir in den Sinn, dass ich heute frueh mit "Christa-Rachel" unterschrieben habe.
Komisch.
Ich will aber fuer Dich, wenigstens vorerst, nichts sein als Maryam.

Ach ja, wenn ich Dich schon ueberschwemme, dann noch die Hauptsache:
In der Turbulenz von gewiss 10 verschiedenen Schamgefuehlen nach unsrem Gespraech,
sah ich deutlich, wie ich "am liebsten" die Situation vermeiden moechte,
in der mein staerkstes und (ausser Depression) "schlimmstes" Gefuehl soviel "Gelegenheit" hat,
(in der Bibel ist "Scham" das einzige Gefuehl , das identifiziert ist, und zwar gleich im 3. Kapitel,
und das Wort Adam, Mensch, hat dieselbe Wurzel wie "adom", rot,
oder wie Nietzsche im Zarathustra sagte: "Der Mensch ist das Tier das rote Backen hat!").
Aber nachdem Du es warst, der mich fuer das Skype-Reden gewonnen hat,
ist mir natuerlich sonnenklar, dass dies grade eine wunder-bare Chance ist,
to  "heal this hole in my wholeness", das solch unertraegliche Scham produziert.

Auch jetzt schaeme ich mich, dass ich Dich so ueberflute.
Vielleicht kannst Du mir mit drei Dingen helfen:
1) Vorlaeufig bist nur Du es, der  ein Skype-Gespraech initiiert, nicht ich!
2) Anders als gestern  verabredet:
  rufe an, nur dann wenn Du   s p o n t a n    LUST hast!
  Sollte ich nicht antworten, dann rufe eben ein andermal an,
   wenn Du wieder   s p o n t a n    LUST hast!
3) Wenn Du keine Lust oder keine Zeit zum Schreiben hast,
   dann verschiebe die Antwort auf mein Schreiben auf das Gespraech!Danke!

Maerz 4, 2011
Kurz

a) Unification Church / Family Federation for World Peace and Unification / Sun Myung Moon.
b) www.selbstklang.com zur musik gehts wenn man auf MUS teil von dem MUSIC leisten link klickt.
[January 29, 2012: when I click www.selbstsklang.com, I only get the hosting page http://www.lunarpages.com/]

OK ich werde einfach spontant anrufen / skypen.
Moechtest du mir evtl. deine telefonnummer von zuhause geben?
Falls du nicht online sein solltest koennte ich dann dort anrufen. Danke , Markus

P.S.: Es ist OK und verstaendlich fuer mich das soviel aufeinmal rauskommen und ausgedrueckt werden moechte. Ich werde einfach sagen wie ich mich damit fuehle und wann es zuviel ist. Auch die letzten zwei emails koennten wir vielleicht dann noch ausfuehrlicher bespraechen da nicht alles fuer mich klar und verstaendlich ist.

 

Since then we skyped 3 times, last time on March 16,
and following that there was only a technical e-mail exchange: on March 17

Shalom Maryam,

hier ne kleine liste von natuerlichen remedies.

- Cayenne
- Clove
- Ginger
- Cinnamon
- wild oregano oil (use topically diluted with olive or other natural oils)
- tea tree oil (use topically diluted with olive or other natural oils)
- sea salt gargle (dilute salt in water and do nasal and throat rinse)
- apple cider vinegar (drink 2 tablespoons in the morning on empty stomach)

mit den diversen spices kann man einen tea machen und dann mit honig suessen.

bis zum naechsten male Shalom Markus

Shalom Markus,
danke fuer die Liste.
Ich muss gestehen, dass ich keine Geduld habe, alle diese Dinge zu beschaffen, zumal in Arad.
Ginger (sowie Kardamon, Kurkum und Anis) tue ich in meinen taeglichen Wasser-Haferbrei, aber gemahlen.
Danke trotzdem.

Dich wollte ich schon voriges Mal , als Du so viel vom Koerper sprachst,
aufmerksam machen auf die Seiten "Body is God".

 

 

March 20, 2011, to Maryam

Habe versucht dich heute per skype zu erreichen.
Kann es sein das du die kopfhoerer angeschlossen hast und daher nicht hoerst wenn ich dich anrufe? Markus

March 20, 201 Markus!!!!

Ich habe Dir gesagt!!! dass ich Samstag und Sonntag zwei (meiner zehn) Enkelkinder in Arad habe.
Wir sind nach sieben abends ausgegangen, um den Vollmond ueber dem Toten Meer aufgehen zu sehen
und sind eben erst wieder gekommen (die beiden Vierzehnjaehrigen machen eben Abendbrot),
weil es so lange gedauert hat, bis sich der Mond durch eine dichte schwarze Wolkenschicht hindurchgerungen hatte.
Morgen abend sind die Purim-Ferien zuende, weswegen sie gegen fuenf Uhr sich zu Bus und Bahn aufmachen.
Danach, sagen wir gegen sechs Uhr bin ich frei , und ich hoffe, Skype arbeitet.
Maryam

March 23, 2011, Shalom Maryam

Ja das wuesste ich. Hatte nur angenommen da ich dich online sah das deine enkelkinder schon wieder abgereist sind.
Die naechsten tage arbeite ich immer von morgens bis nachmittags und von daher weiss ich noch nicht wann es diese woche klappen wird. Shalom Markus

P.S.: Der Vollmond (supermoon) scheint einiges emotional in mir zu bewegen.

March 23, 2011 Markus
wir haben gar nicht davon geredet, was der Vollmond mit Dir gemacht hat...

Ich habe mir die beiden roemischen Markusse angesehen.
Mach mal die englische Wikipedia Seite mit Marcus Aurelius auf!

Die Gesicht der ersten Skulptur sieht Dir wahnsinnig aehnlich.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marcus_Aurelius
Auf der deutschen Seite ist sogar eine zweite skulptur, die Dir aehnelt.
Selbst das Gesicht der Reiterskulptur in http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Marcus_Aurelius
sieht Dir aehnlich
Und in manchen der Zitate wirst Du Dich auch wiederfinden!

Ich wuensche mir, dass Du bei zukuenftigen Skype-Begegnungen
in kaiseraehnlicher aestetischer Kleidung erscheinst! Maryam

 

March 24, 2011 - Markus

, heute frueh weckte mich Mika, meine juengste, 5 jaehrige Enkelin,
und fragte, ob ich heute kaeme.
"Aber Dein Vater ist doch zuhause!"
"Trotzdem, Du kannst doch auch hier sein, wenn er hier ist!"
Also bin ich heute nachmittag nach Shoham gekommen.
Es ist moeglich, dass ich erst am Sonntag frueh zurueckkomme.
Maryam

 

March 25 , 2011 Shalom Maryam

Danke fuer die information.
In bezug auf Markus Aurelius, ich sehe meine aehnlichkeit in ihm nicht.
Manche seiner zitate sind aber schon interessant. bis zum naechsten male. Shalom Markus

March 31, 2011, Lieber Markus,

das war schon ziemlich in die Richtung meiner Sehnsucht, heute!
Die Folge: ich werde mich jetzt nicht mehr "zusammennehmen",
"um Dich ja nicht zu ueberschwemmen".
Wenn Du solch "grosse" mystischen Erlebnisse hattest,
und vor allem - das hat mich neidisch gemacht -
"einen fuenfmaligen Ganzkoerper-Orgasmus ohne Ejakulation" erlebt hast,
und von daher weisst, wie unsaeglich begrenzt unser dreidimensionales Erleben ueberhaupt ist,
so kannst Du auch mich , mit meinen 42 Jahren "Ueberschuss" - enthalten (contain).
Und wenn nicht, dann muss ich Dir endlich vertrauen, dass Du mich begrenzt,
und ich mich nicht selber begrenzen muss.
 
Ich fand die Christine von cyquest in
http://www.empower.co.il/healingkiss/K.I.S.S.-LOG/2008_06/06_09.htm
Click CTRL/F and put Christine in search.
Dann kommst Du zu einer verbalen Skulptur,
mit Hilfe derer ich zu untersuchen versuchte,
what links "resonate" with the Channelers.
Oeffne auch  den dortigen link zu puzzle-piece 28,  [und 28b>2002_07_16 to SJ]
obwohl dort ausser den "Channelers" kein Name genannt ist.
Ich bin froh, dass unser Gespraech mir die Gelegenheit gab,
die Auseinandersetzung mit diesen Erlebnissen wieder zu lesen.

Als Einleitung zu dem, worueber ich in der Nacht imaginaer mit Dir gesprochen habe,
schlage ich Dir vor, das Lied von Arnon und Yael anzuhoeren und sie dabei zu sehen:
http://www.empower.co.il/healingkiss/InteGRATion-into-GRATeFULLness/Nourishment-from-Others/pages/2007_04_23-a-Sufi-Message.htm

Inzwischen ist es Abend geworden (nachher bin ich babysitter bei meinen Hausleuten),
und der Wunsch, Dich zu Deiner "Hausaufgabe" anzuregen, hat sich noch verstaerkt.
Ich werde das in einem dritten Brief jetzt tun.
Maryam


March 31, 2011 - second letter to Markus

Mein Wunsch, Dich "anzuregen", ist natuerlich auch mein Wunsch, mich mitzuteilen.
Also:
1) Du koenntest eines Deiner on-line Musikstuecke zu einer Melodie umformen
und dann den Text dazu - intuitiv mehr als mit dem Verstand - finden.

2) Ich will Dir mein wohl kuerzestes Lied vorfuehren , vom 17. Februar 2011:
Es hat nur 23 Silben und basiert auf einer Melodie,
die noch immer im Kanal 23 in Israel in einem commercial erscheint:
Let my "Peer" come and he'll be received!
Ourselves and Creation
we'll heal into wholeness and peace.
http://www.empower.co.il/healingkiss/InteGRATion-into-GRATeFULLness/Singing&Sounding%20is%20sound/pages/2007_06_28-Love-Song.htm


3) Auf derselben Seite findest Du - als zweites Lied - Not afraid, not afraid -
ein in aehnlicher Weise entstandenes Lied, mit aehnlichem Inhalt

4) Eher ein Singsong als ein Lied ist , was mir als erstes eingefallen ist fuer Dich.
auf einer Seite mit "Body-Songs",
http://www.empower.co.il/healingkiss/InteGRATion-into-GRATeFULLness/Singing&Sounding%20is%20sound/pages/2007_02_14-ha-yad-al-ha-enayim.htm
>2010_05_14-16
"Let my teeth grow and let my eyes see,"
Die erste Zeile entstand - text und Melodie zusammen - einfach eines Morgens,
als ich mir das Zahnfleisch, das immer zu bluten droht, mit einer gewissen Zahnpasta massierte.
Da ich schon lange nur wenige eigene Zaehne habe (und auch die nur als Stuempfe unter Bruecken),
wuensche ich mir (desire!), dass mir neue Zaehne wachsen.

Nach der ersten Zeile kam die zweite von selbst:
"Let my groin know, it's cared for by me",
ich war natuerlich darauf focusiert, nicht die "Probleme" zu akzentuieren
sondern die Loesungen.
Das Verrotten des Knorpels in meinem rechten Lendengelenk [Jan. 2006] haette mich bestimmt schon lahm gemacht,
wenn ich nicht mit ganzem Herzen an mein Gehenkoennen glauben wuerde,
und dazu auch beitrage, was ich von Paula gelernt habe,
ich kontrahiere alle Muskeln um das Gelenk herum, wenn ich gehe.

"And take of the pressure of what gives me pleasure
- my bladder, my body may radiate thee."
Diese zwei Zeilen waren absolute Inspiration,
und sie helfen mir mit dem medizinisch unerklaerlichen starken Druck auf meiner Blase
ungefaehr ein Drittel eines 24 Stunden Tages,
als "metaphysisch" zu verstehen,
und zwar nach der letzten "Lektion der Liebe",
- exzerptiert auf derselben Seite, die ich Dir schon wegen Arnon und Yael genannt habe:
"Körperlich waren hiervon alle Organe und Bereiche betroffen,
die mit dieser Energie in Verbindung stehen
und große Mengen von Dichte und Unausgewogenheit ausbalancierten.
....Lungen, Blase, die Zaehne"....

Ich sang also diese 4 Zeilen taeglich beim Zahnfleischmassieren,
und eines Tages fuegte sich eine zweite STrophe an, diesmal in Hebraeisch:
Ich uebersetze ohne Rhythmus und Reim:
"Lass meine Schultern einen erhobenen Kopf tragen,
gib meinen Augen und Lippen ein Laecheln,
kontrahiere und relaxe den Muskel in meinem Hintern,
sodass der Atem mir frei durch meine Brust stroemt."

Nun sang ich entweder abwechselnd oder hintereinander die beiden Strophen,
bis - nach weiteren Monaten - eine dritte entstand, wieder auf englisch:
und zwar waehrend des schlimmen Hustens usw. damals, als wir uns schon kannten:

"Let your air pass my throat clear and free!
let my lungs fill with the joy to be Me!
Replace the infection with loving affection
between all the cells of thy Kingdom to be!"

Auch diese beiden letzten Zeilen sind gechannelt,
und ich wundere mich taeglich ueber ihrer Exactheit.
Das Wort "affection" hab ich noch nie in meinem Leben benutzt.

Jetzt singe ich jeden Morgen eine oder zwei der Strophen,
und fuehle mich dabei an Leib und Seele gesund
oder zumindest - was die Blase betrifft - in Frieden mit dem Schmerz.

so jetzt muss ich gleich gehn.

Third letter, answer to a link, sent by Markus,after he had told me about it on "skype" with reservations
Mach 30, 2011
http://www.hathaworld.com/aware/intro/intro.htm
wie fuehlt es sich an?

Markus, "hathaworld". "Wie fuehlt es sich an", fragst Du exact.
Ich las zwar gleich, dass dieser Mensch nicht nur von "consciousness" sondern auch von "Will" redet,
aber ich fuehle nichts von "Will".
Das einzige - ein winziges bisschen persoenliche Kapitel "Evolution of this Site"-
erklaert einige der Gruende, warum Ich mich nicht "angezogen" fuehle, to say the least.
Ebenso das Kapitel auf derselben Seite: Mission Statement:
" the underlying technical structure of this web site has intentionally been kept as simple as possible,
while still meeting certain technical standards of excellence, function, accessibility and platform compatibility."
Noch ehe ich diesen Satz las, formulierte sich fuer mich das Gefuehl:
'ich kann diese lineare Darstellung von Gedanken,
wie sie seit den griechischen Philosophen im Abendland ueblich ist,
einfach    n i c h t    ertragen.'

Obwohl ich nicht mit meinem "selbstgewaehlten" Drama hadere,
erlaube ich mir, traumatisiert von "philosophischem Denken" zu sein...

Ich war auf dem damals einzigen humanistischen Maedchen Gymnasium in Baden-Wuertenberg.
Das heisst, wir lernten nicht nur englisch und franzoesisch sondern auch lateinisch und griechisch.
Die sehr menschliche Direktorin war auch 3 Jahre lang die sehr gute Griechisch-Lehrerin.
Und da ich - wegen Armut - immer Nachhilfestunden gab, vor allem in Latein und Griechisch,
(auch meinem Bruder , gezwungen von meiner Mutter und ohne Geld, )
war ich natuerlich die Beste in Griechisch beim Abitur.
Da ich mich habe zwingen lassen, total gegen meinen Willen auf die Uni zu gehen
(Kriegswaisen Beihilfe vom Staat) und mich dort absolut kein fach interessierte,
"waehlte" ich eben Griechisch und Lateinisch, nur weil ich darin "gut" war.

Das Sommersemester 1957 war noch ertraeglich, weil ich an 3 von 6 Wochentagen
auch in Esslingen auf der Kirchenmusikschule war, bis ich nach 4 Monaten den niedrigsten Abschluss machte.
Das Wintersemester in Tuebingen begann eigentlich gut, vor allem, weil ich den Dichter Walter Jens als einen der Lehrer hatte.
Fuer meine Arbeit ueber Oedipus gab er mir "Sehr Gut".
Es waren aber auch andre Lehrer da, und einer davon verlangte eine Seminararbeit ueber den roemischen Dichter Plautus,
und zwar - hoere! - ueber den Versrhythmus desselben!
Ich sehe mich in der altphilologischen Bibliothek stehen,
mit einem Buch von 700 Seiten in der Hand, ueber den Versrhythmus bei Plautus....
Ich hatte das Gefuehl, auf dem Mond oder dem Mars zu sein, nicht auf der Erde!
Wie soll das der Not der Menschen, fuer die ich da bin, abhelfen?

Ich fuhr zum Arbeitsministerium nach Stuttgart und liess mich 5 Stunden lang testen.
In dem folgenden Gespraech mit einer , wie es heute heisst, Sozialarbeiterin hoerte ich dann:
"Christa, es stimmt, dass Sie ein sehr warmes Herz haben,
aber Sie haben auch sehr viel Verstand.
Und wenn Sie nur den Sozialarbeiterabschluss machen [damals 2 Jahre ausserhalb der Uni],
werden sie totungluecklich sein! Nein, Sie muessen auf der Universitaet studieren."

Ein (immer zur rechten Zeit auftauchender ) "Engel am Abgrund" erzaehlte mir was von seinem Erlebnis als Theologiestudent.
Da fuehlte ich, dass Theologie vielleicht ein Weg zur Arbeit mit Menschen sein koennte.
Das Theologiestudium hat mich dann - ein Satz statt 10 Buechern - nach Israel gefuehrt,
wo ich - auf dringendes Anraten meines Mannes ("Du hast ja keinen Beruf!") ,
weil ich in Deutschland, weder in Heidelberg noch nachher in Tuebingen, keinen Abschluss machen durfte -
als Doktorandin kandidierte und auch angenommen wurde.
5 Jahre 5 Stunden pro Tag arbeitete ich.
Zwar war alles, was ich lernte und auch wie ich lernte, sinnvoll
(und ja auch die Wahl meines Cosmic Selfs),
aber ich bin wahrlich getriggert von der Art der Gedankendarstellung,
die ich bei diesem Rich so angepriesen finde.

Ich frage mich immer, warum eine Information zu mir kommt,
die mir nicht hilfreich ist (Du siehst einige Worte darueber in dem Christine-Abschnitt),
Die Antwort: "Durch den Kontrast wirst du deiner eigenen Art und Sache sicherer."
Und in der Tat - obwohl ich mich immer selbst-ironisiere mit meinem k.i.s.s. -
bin ich jetzt endlich   g a n z   mit mir selber betreffs meiner Art ,
mein Leben, Heilen, Lernen, Kreieren darzustellen,
in kurzen streng sculptierten Episoden und Abschnitten.
Ich habe immer gesagt, dass trotz meines "Wissens" in der griechischen Philosophie,
mich nichts , gar nichts, bei den griechischen Philosophen beruehrt,
waehrend ich von sechs Jahren an tief von den biblischen Geschichten, Gestalten, Worten beruehrt wurde.
Diese nicht-lineare Weise ist in der spaeteren juedischen Literatur (vom 1. bis 5. Jhd) sogar noch ausgepraegter.
Da alles muendlich ueberliefert wurde, ist der "Talmud" nichts als eine Ansammlung von Gespraechen Lernender,
von denen immer wieder einer eine Geschichte, ein Gleichnis, einen slogan einwarf.
Vieles davon erscheint dann auch mehrere Mal in derselben riesigen Bibliothek (Talmud und Midraschim),
und der Vergleich der Unterschiede ist besonders fruchtbar fuer das Verstehen .
[Ausgerechnet in dem pp28b, zu dem ich Dir den link im vorigen Brief schickte,
erwaehnt mein Hauptbeispiel: die 10 Versionen der "Zekharya Legende"]
Ich habe eben vorgestern ein Beispiel an meiner eigenen Bibliothek erlebt:
Sieh es Dir an am Ende von .triptych , wo es vorlaeufig eingesetzt ist.
[Jan. 29,. 2012- I don't remember, what I meant]

Seit dem 11. Jahrhundert sind auch die Juden der griechischen Art des Denkens gefolgt,
weswegen mir selbst ein so kluger und durchaus mit mir resonierender Mensch wie Maimonides unlesbar ist.
Erst die Chassidim in Osteuropa (seit dem 18. Jhd, aber heute degeneriert),
deren Geschichten zum ersten Mal durch Martin Buber zugaenglich gemacht wurden,
dachten wieder in Episoden und Gestalten und kurzen Aussagen,
und sind mir deshalb so nahe.
Ich erzaehl Dir, auswendig, grad mal eine Geschichte:
Die Schueler kamen zum Rabbi und sagten:
"Der Jude da sitzt jeden Tag nur im Wirtshaus, saeuft und spielt Karten."
Der Rabbi: "Das ist gut, da macht er doch schon eine Sache g a n z.
Jetzt muss er nur noch lernen, welche Sache es wert ist, ganz gemacht zu werden."
Verstehst Du, da kommen mir die Traenen in die Augen! Das "beruehrt " mich!

Was ich von einem Lehrer , sei er Gott oder Mensch, brauche,
ist die Selbstdarstellung seines Lebens und Ringens,
als Exempel zur Nachahmung,
nicht das Berieseln durch kluge Gedanken.

Von Dir erbete ich mir noch was Kleines:
Kannst Du das Wort "excited" durch ein andres Wort ersetzen?
Ich erzaehle Dir muendlich, warum mich das Wort so anekelt.

Maryam

April 4-5 , 2011 to Markus

Lieber, wirklich "lieber" Markus!
Was mich betrifft, so fuehle ich mich jetzt ziemlich frei Dir gegenueber,
und ich hoffe, ich kann Dir helfen, dass Du Dich so auch mir gegenueber fuehlst!
Das bedeutet z.B., dass ich Dich herausfordern (challenge) darf,
und Du darfst sagen, ob Dir das passt oder nicht, oder jetzt !!! nicht.
Ich habe keine Forderungen (z.B. dass Du klare, fehlerlose Briefe schreibst,
wie ich das waehrend der Testphase verlangte), ausser der einen:
dass Du wahrhaftig und ohne denial bist, soweit das unsrem Bewusstsein schon moeglich ist.
Dazu gehoert auch, wie Du weisst, dass Du, wenn Du zu schlimm getriggert bist,
mich fuer eine Pause oder gar fuer eine Trennung gewinnst
und dies mir nicht durch einseitiges Schweigen aufzwingst.

Da wir beide lernen, nicht nur Verantwortung fuer evt. Getriggertsein auf uns zu nehmen,
sondern auch staendig unsre judgments und beliefs unter die Lupe zu nehmen,
freue ich mich natuerlich, dass Du Dir jeglichen Druckes von meiner Seite aus bewusst bist,
und Dich fragst, ob Du ihm nachgeben sollst oder nicht.
Also z.B. was die Beantwortung meiner Briefe betrifft.
Ich spreche Dich noch einmal frei von jeder "Pflicht",
es sei denn , ich bitte Dich um eine Antwort auf ein ganz bestimmtes Thema.
Auf der andern Seite erlaube ich mir, Dich zu ermutigen,
nicht aus jedem Gefuehl des Druckes gleich zu folgern, dass Druck immer uebel ist.
Ich identifiziere mich hundertprozentig mit Dir in dem was ich sogar mein Druck-T r a u m a   nenne
(da ich mich grade der Schlaf-Traeumerei oeffne, schrieb ich heute , April 4, was Kurzes ueber dieses Trauma
was fuer ein Wortspiel :Traeumen - Trauma
http://www.empower.co.il/healingkiss/InteGRATion-into-GRATeFULLness/Nourishment-from-Others/pages/2007_04_23-a-Sufi-Message.htm ]
aber je dankbarer ich bin - nicht nur taeglich, sondern stuendlich -
dass ich es geschafft habe, mich aus fast allen Drucksituationen zu befreien,
umso offener bin ich auch gegenueber dem gewissen Segen,
der mir aus dem unsaeglichen Druck in meinem Leben geworden ist.
Als ich mit Dir darueber imaginaer redete, - was ich oft tue -
fiel mir ein huebscher Midrash ein
(bitte informiere Dich bei Wikipedia ueber "Torah" und "Midrash"):
"Frage: wieso haben gerade die Israeliten die Torah am Sinai angenommen?
Antwort: weil "Gott" den Berg Sinai wie einen Waschzuber ueber sie gestuelpt hat.
Da konnten sie ja gar nicht anders...."

Aber waehlen zu koennen, wann ich einem Druck nachgebe und wann nicht,
das gehoert zum Freisein.

Deshalb noch mal was zu Deinem Singen.
Wehe Dir, wenn Du mir jemals nachgibst, um zu beweisen dass Du mein Peer bist!
Wenn Du das taetest, haettest Du bereits eingestanden, dass Du eben mein Peer NICHT bist.
Und jetzt nur ein technischer Vorschlag, weil Du ja doch ein wenig auf meine Bitte eingegangen bist:
Nimm einen Text, der Dir gefaellt oder mach einen neuen,
und dann nimm Dein cellphone in die Hand
und fang einfach an , Toene zu dem Text zu "produzieren" - in one go, ohne zu stocken, ohne zu korrigieren.
Erlaube Dir eine Wiederholung ["a second take"] hoechstens einmal und dann lass gut sein!
Verlass Dich drauf, dass dies die Inspiration des "goettlichen Chores" war
(siehe dazu die schoene "Skulptur" von heute, am 4. April, auf der obigen page).
Wenn ich das so mache, muss ich erst wenn ich das Gesungene auswendig gelernt habe,
mal eine Kleinigkeit aendern, aber auch das ist selten.
Der umgekehrte Prozess, eine Melodie zu "produzieren", oder von jemand zu plagieren,
ist schwieriger, und geht oft nur, wenn Du hier und da den Rhythmus aenderst (nicht die Melodie).
Uebrigens: Das adaptierte Lied von den parallelen Welten, von dem ich Dir erzaehlte, ist ganz tief geworden.
{Es ist das letzte Lied auf der Seite}.

Muss ich es nochmals sagen, dass Du keine der Seiten, zu denen ich Dir ein link schicke, "aufschlagen"  m u s s t ,
geschweige denn darauf eingehen  m u s s t !
In diesem Punkt moechte ich Dich anflehen, nur zu tun, wozu Du wirklich LUST hast!!!!!!!
Bedenke doch, wie mein Ego es gelernt hat,
in den zehn Jahren der Arbeit an meinen beiden websites kaum je ein Echo zu hoeren.
Es ist doch eine ganz grosse "Gnade", dieses Internet, das mir ermoeglicht, mich auszudruecken,
ohne dass jemand es lesen oder darauf eingehen muss, und dass ich dennoch weiss,
dass ich durch dieses Heilen-Lernen-Kreieren den Quantensprung zu Heaven-on-Earth beschleunige!

Nun noch etwas, worueber ich lange nachdenken musste, nach unsrem letzten Gespraech.
Deine Frage nach der Manifestierung eines Gartens.
Nein, das ist zu lang, um es zu schreiben. Lass uns drueber reden.
Es hat aber etwas mit dem "Lekh-Lekha" - "gehe-zu-dir-selber, aus aller Sicherheit heraus",
von der auch das eben erwaehnte Lied spricht.

Und lass das Skypen wie das Schreiben ruhen, bis Du wirklich, wirklich Lust hast!
Nur eines, ---weil Du traurig sagtest, dass immer Du der Initiator seist -
erinnere Dich, dass ich das auch in unserem Fall vorgeschlagen habe,
nicht weil es "praktisch" ist , sondern damit Du nicht von mir ueberschwemmt wirst,
Auch das kannst du aendern, wenn und wann Du es willst.

April 4, 2011 Shalom Maryam,

also erstmals danke fuer die links und deinen ausdruck und weitere information zu den verschiedenen email austausch der anderen personen deren absicht es ist zu heilen.
Zu dem 
Erstmal eine korrektur.
Ich hatte nicht 5 mal hintereinander einen ganzkoerperorgasmus. Sondern 5 orgasmen hinterneinander ohne zu ejakulieren. Seperat als erfahrung hatte ich auch ganzkoerperorgasmen aber nicht fuenf mal hintereinander sondern generel nur einen aber der dann 20-30min anhielt (der energetische nacheffekt sollte ich dazu schreiben der anhielt).
Und wie schon erwaehnt hatte ich diese erfahrung seit einigen jahren nicht mehr. Dies geling mir in einer phase als ich taeglich fuer min 15-30min meine ringmuskeln trainierte.
Anyways....

Das was fuer mich einer der groessten challenges ist wenn du dich wie du sagst "nicht mehr zusammennimmst" ist wie ich dadurch getriggert werde im bezug das ich denke ich muss auf alles antworten oder eine antwort haben.
Die andere challenge fuer mich mit der ich immer noch beschaeftigt bin ist das die links zu dem lied von Yael und Arnon mich eher noch mehr gechallenged haben im sinne das es ich mich ueberwaeltigt fuehle ein paar akkorde zu schreiben und einen text dazu. Was ich dachte und fuehlte ist "ich habe ueberhaupt keine ahnung wie man musik schreibt und schon gar nicht texte dazu". Danach kamen gefuehle hoch - ich fuehle da zu viel druck und moechte nicht etwas tun, auch wenn es vielleicht empowering erscheint wo ich irgendwelche gefuehle ueberschreiben muss um dies geschehen zu lassen. Solange ich noch die gefuehle und die darunterliegenden judgments habe wie "ich kann das nicht" werde ich mich dann sozusagen nicht zwingen dies doch dann zu tun nur um evtl. dich gluecklich und zufrieden zu machen. Dann kamen parallel noch gefuehle von wertlosigkeit hoch weil ich judgments habe wie ich bin vielleicht noch gar nicht bereit wirklich zu heilen weil wenn es beudeutet das ich all das aufloesen muss nur um dann musik zu schreiben um dadurch dann peer mit dir zu sein / werden.

Meine email ist vielleicht ein bisschen inkoherent und mit schreibfehlern bestueckt, aber ich habe dies trotzdem zusammengefasst weil ich mich jetzt noch hemme wieder mit dir zu skypen da ich noch kein musikstueck geschrieben habe und auch nicht weiss wann ich dieses manifestieren werde. Ich fuehle da einfach zu viel druck.

Ihm anhang noch dazu -

Ich fand deine verschiedenen lieder und reime gut. Besonders gefallen hat mir:

"Let your air pass my throat clear and free!
let my lungs fill with the joy to be Me!
Replace the infection with loving affection
between all the cells of thy Kingdom to be!" aber auch die melodie und "intonation"  http://www.empower.co.il/healingkiss/InteGRATion-into-GRATeFULLness/Singing&Sounding%20is%20sound/pages/2007_02_14-ha-yad-al-ha-enayim.htm
fand ich schoen.

Und bei "Not afraid not Afraid" hab ich ein bisschen mitsingen geuebt.

Ich bin vielleicht nicht auf alles eingangen bis jetzt was du schriebst aber das ist erstmal genug fuer micht.Shalom Markus

 

April 8, 2011 , sent on April 14, 2011
attached Mika's song and 3 compositions from SongGame 2007_08_09

Shalom, lieber Markus Aurelius,
Zwar habe ich interessante Dokumente von vor genau 30 Jahren waehrend meiner langen Busfahrt  gelesen,
(ich werde sie wahrscheinlich sogar auf der Seite, die der "Sufi-message" folgt, einsetzen, naechste Woche),
aber oft wanderte mein Blick ueber die jetzt - fuer kurze Zeit - gruenlich angehauchte Wueste,
und ich dachte an Dich.
Hier in Shoham war niemand, ich versuchte zu schlafen - denn spaeter mit Mika geht das nicht mehr -
Efrat weckte mich mit einem Anruf und danach war es mit Schlafen nichts und ich dachte wieder an Dich.

Ich setzte mich an den Computer und sah nochmals die Bilder durch, die im Internet erscheinen,
wenn man Marcus Aurelius sucht.
Dabei fand ich  einige biographische Details, die "der Rede wert sind", wirklich,
selbst wenn Du nicht, wie ich ja glaube, eine Inkarnation von dem Kaiser oder einem Fragment von ihm bist.
http://architectdann.wordpress.com/marcus-aurelius/
Hast du , wenn Du Dir die Haare nicht so kurz schneiden wuerdest, Locken?

In fuenf Minuten gehe ich, um  Mika vom Kindergarten abzuholen.
Da ist gerade genug Zeit, um Folgendes loszuwerden.

Hast du schon mal das Gefuehl gehabt, dass ich "verrueckt" bin?
Wenn nicht, dann hast Du jetzt Gelegenheit dazu.
Hier sind meine "drei Gebote" fuer Dich:

1) Wenn Du anfaengst zu singen, wirst Du den Durchbruch zur Freiheit erleben.

2) Du sollst Deine Biographie schreiben, so ausfuehrlich wie moeglich,
auf englisch oder auf deutsch, wie es sich besser anfuehlt.
Darin sollst Du Deine mystischen Erlebnisse in den "normalen" Teil  Deiner Biographie integrieren,
und Du sollst besonders auf Deine Versuche und Frustrationen eingehen,
die mit der seelischen und koerperlichen Vereinigung mit einer Frau oder einem Mann zu tun haben.
Du sollst auch die Namen Deiner Hauptakteure in Deinem Lebensdrama nennen,
und Bilder von Euch allen aus verschiedenen Lebensphasen schicken.

Eine Stunde spaeter:

Auf dem Weg dachte ich: nun habe ich es nicht "geschafft", das "dritte Gebot" zu schreiben.
Das schwierigste.
Das heisst also, ich soll es erst uebermitteln,
wenn Du die ersten beiden Gebote in Angriff (!) genommen haben wirst.
 
Mika sah mich mit ein paar Fruehlingsblumen in der Hand,
und wollte sofort in den neben dem Kindergarten gelegenen kleinen Hain
(von Schuelern mit Johannesbrotbueschen bepflanzt),
um Blumen zu pfluecken.
Ein andres kleines Maedchen wollte das auch,
und ihre Eltern, die sie abholten, zeigten dieselbe Naturliebe wie ich.
Ich wusste, dass mir Boeses bluehte und schliesslich sagte ich:
"Mika, ich habe mein handy nicht mitgenommen, Imma wird sich sorgen."
Die andre Mutter gab Mika ihr handy und Mika waehlte auswendig .
"Imma ist sehr zornig, wir sollen sofort nach Hause kommen!"

Was wuerdest Du, der handy-lose, in so einem Fall machen???????

Ich habe "gebetet", dass ich Blitzableiter fuer den Zorn werde
und nicht etwa mich rechtfertige.
Nach genug "Blitzen" habe ich dann sogar ganz ruhig gesagt:
"Waere es nicht angebracht, dass du dich an der Naturfreude deiner Tochter FREUST?"
Jetzt , nach 20 Minuten - hoere ich Mutter und Tocher schon in harmonischer Kommunikation.
Aber ich halte mich erst mal zurueck und sitze hier.
Immerhin hat my daughter-in-love (das ist sie wirklich!) gedroht,
dass ich "nie wieder" Mika vom Kindergarten abholen duerfe,
da es "immer" bei mir so "verantwortungslos" ablaufe.

4 Stunden spaeter.
Du brauchst nicht zu antworten - falls ich das noch - ein letztes Mal!!! - erwaehnen muss.
Mika hat sehr schoen mit mir gespielt,
u.a. lief sie mit ihrer neuen mini-Guitarre im Zimmer herum und sang ,
ein provisiertes , ziemlich lange sLied, das sich an "Gott' wendet.
Es war so schoen, dass ich sie bat, dasselbe noch einmal zu tun
("es werden aber nicht dieselben Worte sein!" "Natuerlich nicht!"),
und nahm es auf mit meinem digitalen Recorder. SongGame 2007_08_09
Nachher half sie mir, die Worte mit dem Computer zu schreiben.
Jetzt ist sie bei einer Geburtstagsfeier, und mit Efrat ist alles wieder harmonisch.
Hast Du auch Menschen in Deinem Leben, fuer die Du Blitzableiter sein musst?

Noch was Technisches.
Am 18. ist bei uns der Vorabend von Pesach (s. Wikipedia),
und das besondere ist, dass wir den "Seder" diesmal alle bei meiner Tochter in Modi'in feiern.
Am 20. abends fliegen wir nach Sao Paulo, 15, Std. Flug.
Es ist das erste Mal, dass ich Immanuel beim Fliegen sehen werde.
Wir, das sind auch Efrat, Mika und Tomer
(Tomer war viele Jahre lang mein groesster "Lehrer". Er ist 16 1/2,)
Eigentlich habe ich nur zugesagt, weil wir von Sao Paulo nach Peru fliegen wollten,
das Inka-Land, der einzige Ort, den ich gerne - physisch - erleben wuerde.
(Als ich noch glaubte, dass meine Wuestenvision sich manifestieren wuerde,
war Peru das erste Land, indem - nach dem Mittleren Osten - eine "Succayah" erstehen sollte. )
Aber Peru hat sich zeitlich und geldlich als unmoeglich herausgestellt.
Und selbst der alternative Plan - nach Rio de Janero und Umgegend zu reisen, scheiterte,
weil um Ostern herum einfach keine Unterkunft zu haben ist.
Eben redet Efrat mit Immanuel (in Los Angeles) per Skype und sagt ihm nochmals,
was ich ihm schon geschrieben hatte,
dass ich keinerlei Erwartungen an die "Umstaende" haette.
Ich wolle es einfach geniessen, in solch enger Weise mit der Familie zusammen zu sein.
Er hatte das Gefuehl, meine Erwarungen zu enttaeuschen.

Sie rief mich, ob ich auch mit ihm reden wolle.
Und danach erzaehlte mir sie endlich,
was sie sich seit 3 Monaten scheut mir zu erzaehlen:
ueber ihre Arbeit als Selbstaendige,
der sie mit Angst und Bangen und grosser Hilfe von Immanuel entgegenarbeitet.

 

April 12, 2011 to Markus [sent on April 14]

I need the Verfremdungseffekt of writing in English.
I had to do a lot of movement last night,
I was so triggered by the timing and the content of
"die Hunde muessen scheissen, (=das ist wichtiger als was du mir zu sagen hast,
auch wenn es das allererste Mal ist, dass du die Initiative ergreifst und anrufst.")

I was sure, you were sensitive enough -
even though my being triggered is not your fault,
that you would leave me a note of regret,
which I would find when I would wake up in Israel.
But there is nothing in the mail-box.
This means, that despite my strong written sentence:
"das mit den Hunden haettest du nicht sagen sollen",
you did not sense, not feel, not get it,
that I was triggered.

I also went through  stupid imagined questions:
Why did you respond at all, when seeing my skype initiative?
Or if you wanted to be so kind and react,
why didn't you simply say: I'm sorry, but I'm not free right now?
Or : "I'm talking to my brother from Germany,
and then I'll have to go out right away. Sorry!"
I would have understood, since I took into account,
that I could not reach you anyway.
But the triggering had to happen,
and that's why you noted that horrid sentence.

Of course, my fear of initiating a talk with you,
attracted what I feared,
though in content very differently from what I feared.
I was sure, that we already were close enough,
that I could allow myself breaking my own law.
But then - exactly the fact of being "close enough" means-
that  n o w   the mutual lessons can begin,
which means, we'll trigger each other,
because with each other we can not only "work it out",
but use the  c h a n c e   to go deeper into our holes.

What is so pain-and shameful is not only,
that I felt humiliated by the fact,
that you gave the Hundescheisse preference over me,
over me who comes to you - for the first time  and scared like a child
It's the Hundescheisse itself, which is a bottomless hole in me,
a hole which I haven't managed to understand so far.  
I felt a bit nauseated already, when you mentioned at least 3 times before,
dass du die Hunde ausfuehren musst.
Und das, obwohl ich, wenn ich in Shoham bin,
meine Schwiegertochter entlaste und 2 oder sogar 3 mal die kleine Nella "ausfuehre".

I am nauseated, when I find Hundescheisse on the sidewalks,
or even in "my" garden, though the main dog which did this has now died luckily,
and it's only the cats, who dig up the soil, but at least cover what they put there.
Though there is a law, that leaving Hundescheisse in parks and streets will be punished,
many people don't care and nobody is prosecuting them.
nor do I believe in prosecution anyway.
So what should I do with my feeling of Ekel?
What should one do with this specific kind of feeling at all?
As much as I move the feeling, my consciousness stays blinded.
So perhaps now I have a chance to feel more and perhaps become conscious.

In former times all kinds of scenes recurred in my dreams:
I was "shitting" in the presence of people and terribly ashamed.
The sentence already spells it out: shit is shame, Scheisse ist Scham,
and Scham is still my main feeling.
http://www.empower.co.il/healingkiss/InteGRATion-into-GRATeFULLness/Finetuning-to-my-Present/pages/2007_07_29-SHAME%27s-Task&Curse.htm
It is also the only feeling identified and spelt out right in the 3rd chapter of the Bible.
I probably told you this already.
The very word "adam", Mensch, comes from the same root as "adom" = red.
"Der Mensch ist das Tier , das rote Backen hat", says Nietzsche ,
the only sentence I remember from his book Zarathustra (read in  Sweden, in 1958).
What I feel right now, is, that I want a break .
Even until the end of the month.
(A "trip" is planned to Sao Paulo, from April 20-27, with my son - a pilot of El-Al,
together Mika and Efrat, and  with Tomer, my son's youngest son from his first marriage.)

April 14, 2011 to Markus

Ein bisschen erste Naehe und schon sind wir "reif" fuer trigger.
Einen solchen - gar nicht geringen - habe ich mir gestern von Dir zugezogen .
Warte also bitte - vielleicht bis morgen - bis ich Dich daran teilnehmen lasse.
Und auch dann erst schicke ich die schon laengst vorbereiteten mails.
Maryam
Markus replies: OK
The next day I sent off my two letters in the mail-box +the song to God of Mika

After a skype-talk in the evening I saw a movie "Man hasst uns so sehr",
which moved me so much, that I for the first time initiated a skype-talk.
By "chat" Markus wrote: I rede mit meinem Bruder aus Deutschland,
and while I was writing an answer, but not yet sent it,
he wrote again: Nachher muss ich die Hunde ausfuehren."

April 14, 2011, again to Markus
Was mir noch einfiel, immer wieder,
war der groteske Kontrast zwischen: "und dann muss ich die Hunde ausfuehren" [=scheissen lassen],
und das, was mich in dem deutsch-oesterreichisch franzoesischen Film ("Man hasst uns so sehr"),
auf dem HIntergrund des vielmals preisgekroenten israelischen Dokumentarfilms ("Teures Leben"),
so sehr durchwuehlt hat.
"Haette Markus nicht wenigstens per e-mail auf meine Frage in Skype-chat antworten koennen,
ob ihm "die Welt" so sehr am Herzen liegt wie mir?"

Du siehst, so sehr ich "BLAME" ausschalten moechte,
weil doch ich und ich allein verantwortlich bin fuer mein Getriggertwerden,
sei es von der Situation selber, sei es davon, dass du nicht "gleich an meiner Seite standest",
so sind da doch immer noch 10 % blame,
und deswegen bin ich immer noch der Meinung,
dass ich eine Pause brauche.
Heute kommt auch meine Enkelin Rotem (fast 18),
und so sehr ich "am liebsten allein bliebe",
so sehr liebe ich sie und will mich ihr ganz widmen.

Ich hoffe, der andere Brief mit den challenges "will keep you busy
"bis wir wieder reden." Maryam

April 14, 2011, A last time to Markus
Die dritte Herausforderung, von der ich Dir muendlich erzaehlte, ist die:
Du sollst sofort anfangen, Hebraeisch zu lernen!
Du wuerdest es, hiess es, spaetestens in anderthalb Jahren brauchen!

Maryam

May 2, 2011 Shalom Maryam,

wie sehen die neuen spielregeln fuer unsere kommunikation aus? Shalom,

May 2, 2011 Shalom Markus,
Ist dies eine Reaktion auf meinen gestrigen vergeblichen Versuch,
Dich per skype zu erreichen?
Danke in jedem Fall.
Keine Spielregeln mehr meinerseits.
Nicht mal die Erwartung, dass Du auf meine vorigen Briefe eingehst.
Lass uns "fliessen", wie die jetzige Generation in Israel staendig sagt.
Angst und Misstrauen ist natuerlich da,
aber das gehoert ja - vorerst noch ... zum Ziel unsrer Kommunikation:
uns gegenseitig im Ganz- und Heilwerden zu helfen.
Maryam

Noch was: Bei uns ist heute Holocaust Gedenktag,
(wie seit der Bibel beginnt ein Tag am Vorabend und endet mit Sonnenuntergang),
und - da das Schwimmbad geschlossen hat -
will ich den Tag - ausser zur Entspannung im Garten -
ganz den "Dialogs with an Angel" widmen,
auf den mich eine Frau in Brasilien aufmerksam gemacht hat,
ein 17 monatiges channeling mit 4 Menschen in Ungarn, 1943-44,
bis drei davon in Auschwitz umgebracht wurden.

May 29, 2011 Shalom Markus,
vor etwa einer Woche ist es mir nach langen Muehen gelungen,
mein Skype "in Bewegung zu setzen", um mir Dir reden zu koennen.
Du warst aber nicht da und ich hinterliess etliche , nicht unwichtige Zeilen,
die Du aber offenbar nicht bekommen hast.
Nun habe ich es wieder versucht, aber es gelingt mir nicht
Also kein Skype.
Und ich fuehle, dass das uns etwas sagen will:

Dieses Stolpern unserer Kommunikation frustriert uns beide.
Da Du   h o e c h s t e n s  einmal in der Woche anriefst,
habe ich die Inititiative auch in die Hand genommen.
Das klappte aber noch viel weniger, und nicht nur wegen der technischen Schwierigkeiten.
Ich bin, wie ich Dir versichtert habe, Dir sehr zugetan,
und aus Achtung vor Deinem Mut, es mit mir aufzunehmen,
habe ich mir so sehr viel mehr Muehe gegeben als in Versuchen mit andern Menschen.
Aber irgendetwas ist nicht richtig, und mir fehlt ganz viel, zu viel.

Ich moechte Dir also vorschlagen, zum Schreiben zurueckzukehren.
Ich werde mich sehr beherrschen, um Dich nicht zu ueberwaeligen.
Das habe ich ja  auch - mal wieder oder mehr denn je - bei unserem letzten "Gespraech" getan habe.
Es ist womoeglich doch zu schwierig,
dass zwei Menschen mit quantitativ !!!!! so ungleichen Lebenserfahrungen sich fruchtbar austauschen koennen.
Das Beispiel mit der Hathra-Geschichte zeigt es:
Damit du nur irendwie was von meiner jetzigen Not - und eine Not ist es - verstehen konntest,
musste ich Dir soviel Info zum Hintergrund geben.
Und im Vergleich zu dem, was ich Dir eigentlich an Info geben muesste,
war das, was ich gab, sogar noch sehr oberflaechlich.

Ich habe versucht - vor einiger Zeit - Dich dazu zu bringen,
mehr von Dir zu erzaehlen, damit wenigstens ich mehr von Deinem Hintergrund kenne.
Du hast es abgelehnt. ja Du fandest es ganz unnoetig, Deine Geschichte aufzuschreiben.
Oder zumindest , hast Du "wichtigere Dinge zu tun".

Ich sehe, indem ich Dir jetzt schreibe, wie traurig ich bin,
nicht nur frustriert, sondern sehr traurig.Shalom- Maryam

 
May 30, 2012, Shalom Maryam,

Ich hatte dir auch eine nachricht per skype hinterlassen,
 aber anscheinend hast du diese auch nicht bekommen.
Waehrend ich diese zeilen schreibe habe ich auch gefuehle von traurigkeit, aber auch schmerz.
Schmerz das es mir nicht gelingt obwohl ich anscheinend den tiefen wunsch habe mich auszutauschen dies zu tun.
Anscheinend habe ich oder beluege ich mich hier selber. Ich sehe wie schwierig es ist fuer mich wirklich intim zu sein.
Wie kann ich mich mit jemandem (Dir) mich Intim austauschen wenn ich nicht Intim mit mir selber sein kann. Intimitaet bringt mich schnell zu meinen fragmentierten teilen die vor Schmerz, Scham und Wut schreien.
Mich damit auseinander zu setzen ist nicht einfach fuer mich. Ich fuehle meine Depression und spuere meine "Willens-losigkeit" zu Leben. Der Schmerz reflektiert die tiefen judgments die sich in meiner mentalitaet klammernd eingenisted haben und schreien "Ich bin so Alleine, niemand Liebt mich, es ist Alles so Bedeutungslos, warum bin ich hier, ich moechte einfach nur "nach hause" weiss aber nicht wie oder scheue mich vor den gefuehlen dich mich dahin fuehren wuerden.

Ich mag zwar gut im reden sein, meine aktionen lassen aber noch sehr zu wuenschen uebrig. In wirklichkeit fuehle und judge ich  mich nur als disorientierte mentalitaet die nicht weiss was wie und wo ist, und deshalb sich selber geschichten erzaehlt um zu versuchen das leben zu verstehen und dadurch Sinn zu erschaffen weil ich als verlorene mentalitaet den Sinn nicht mehr Fuehlen kann. Wo ist mein Wille?

Es tut mir leid das ich vielleicht deinen Wunsch Peer zu sein nicht so erfuellen kann wie ich denke das du das vielleicht moechtest.

Vielleicht ist der schritt zum email schreiben ueberzugehen ein guter. Ich weiss es nicht.

Mal sehen. Mal fuehlen. Shalom Markus

 

May 31, 2011 Shalom, Markus,

Danke, dass Du den Vorschlag der schriftlichen Kommunikation angenommen hast.
Da haben wir beide genug Zeit, mit uns selber "intim" zu sein, wie Du es nennst.
Wenn ich diesen Deinen Ausdruck richtig verstehe,
so meinst Du doch damit, mit Dir selber in Kontakt zu sein, und das bist Du doch:
in Kontakt mit Deinen Gefuehlen - sieh, wieviele Gefuehle Du in diesem Brief bei Namen genannt hast,
und in Kontakt mit Deinem Bewusstsein.
Nur dass da noch so viele, so grausame judgments sind Dir selber gegenueber.

Und - natuerlich - dass Deine tiefsten Sehnsuechte, desires, nicht erfuellt zu werden scheinen.

Ich will Dir etwas weitergeben, was mir eine Psychologin gesagt hat,
die ich - einmalig - aufsuchte, nachdem ich meine Familie verlassen hatte, im Sept. 1980:
"Du scheinst nicht zu wissen, was deine groesste Errungenschaft ist bisher:
naemlich die Tatsache, dass du ueberlebt hast, trotz deines Nicht-leben-Wollens."
Und in der Tat, halte ich dies auch heute noch fuer meine groesste Errungenschaft.
Dir sage ich dasselbe: obwohl Du erst 30 bist, und ich Deine andren Errungenschaften gar nicht kenne
(weil Du ja das, was Du bisher gelebt hast, nicht fuer schreib und erinnerungswuerdig haeltst )
so ist es doch jeden Tag eine Errungenschaft, fuer die Dir taeglich ein Preis zukommt,
dass Du das Leben nicht wegwirfst,
und sei es nur, weil Du - wie ich - weisst, dass es gar keinen Tod gibt.
Also, und nun fang an, Deine Seele vor einem "Mitstreiter", mir, auszubreiten.
Ich bin, wie Du weisst, nichts als ein Resonanz-Gehaeuse fuer andre,
durch das sie ihre eigene Stimme auf einer hoeheren Frequenz hoeren koennen!
Nuetze dies! Nutze dies!

Was mich betrifft, so kannst Du ja an der jeweils akuten Skulptur in "Nourishment" erahnen,
"wie es mir geht".
und nur, wenn Dir wirklich etwas dazu "ein-faellt", schreib es mir.
Ansonsten lass uns jetzt mal auf Dich konzentrieren.

Falls ich es mal ganz deutlich sagen muss:
Ich habe Dich lieb, Markus!
Maryam

June 3, 2011, Shalom Maryam

Ich nehme Gefuehle wahr und druecke sie zum teil verbal / schriftlich aus, aber das heisst noch lange nicht das ich sie genug "womb'e" (denglishes wort).
Wenn ich mich in der "Gap" befinde kommen einige judgments zum vorschein die genau dies verhindern (meine gefuele total zu womben).
Das ist schon ein "kraeftiger punkt" das ich mir das leben nicht genommen habe, es stimmt vielleicht schaetze ich die noch nicht zu sehr, das ich noch hier bin auf der erde.

Ich weisst immer noch nicht was genau deine "vorstellungen und wuensche sind in bezug auf becoming peers - oder soll ich schreiben es sich ausdruecken kann, in welcher form".

Ich habe deine nourishment skulptur gelesen.

Vielen Dank fuer Deinen Deutlichen Ausdruck.
Es beruehrt mich. Shalom, Markus

June 3, 2011, Markus, Shalom!

It's 11:30 PM here , at Shoham, very late,
- Micha, my younger son, was here with his wife and one son, Arnon (15).
Efrat said, that she agreed to let them invite themselves only because of me.
I hadn't seen them since Pesach Eve, April 18.
This "only because of you" was the first reason that made me feel tense.
Now, that they are gone, Efrat said:
"It was a very nice evening, wasn't it?"
"Yes, very nice", I said.
And on an exterior level it was truly harmonious and even interesting.
But I felt, that I sensed every participant, Efrat, Mika, Micha, Ra'ayah, Arnon,
as if I was inside of each .
Though I've always been super-super-sensitive.
I've rarely seen myself so "crazy" as tonight.

So, now, when I wanted to close the computer and go to bed,
I saw your sad letter, and feeling into you,
i felt, that I should share with you,
what came to me, while I walked the dog
and breathed heavily, moving my tumultous feelings.
And maybe, this will encourage you to do the same,
not just talk a b o u t the fact that you feel,
but to simply sit down and write, what you feel.
And as you see, I felt, that we should change to English.
I don't know why, it just comes more natural to me now.
And I feel, it may be more natural for you too. NOW.
Try it!

Back to my experience this evening.
If you don't feel like listening,
you can - unlike when we skype - postpone the reading to a better time!
No rush, no obligation to read or to answer.
But yes - a commitment towards YOURSELF - to try me as a womb!

Nowadays I rarely put myself in a situation,
where I have to suffer the subtle kakophonia of other people's vibrations.
To be with one , maximum two human beings, is enough for me.
And - by the way - don't worry about my yearning for peers.
It will happen when the time comes.
"the one who trusts, will not hasten ", was said by Isaiah (28:15) in the 8th century B.C..
And in another part of the same biblical book, written about 200 years later, it is said:
"I, at her time, shall hasten her." (Isaiah 60:22) It's not written what "her" means...

I understood, why this unexpected togetherness was staged for me:
If Hathra will , indeed, join me next week
(and I won't tell you how things have been progressing or not progressing),
then I must , must, must "walk humbly with my God" ,
i.e. with Hathra.
As usual, my creative mind bombards me with ideas about what "to do" with her,
especially concerning the next weekend, which will be extra--ordinary,
This means that I was just about falling into my old trap again of overwhelming people,
of exposing them to my 20000 Volt, instead of transforming those to 220 V.
I had planned to take her with me and give her ever so many chances-
from traveling in a bus and in a train to meeting outstanding people.

I must not expose Hathra to any additional person in the first days,
except to my landlords and my neighbors - both racist to the extreme -
so as to create trust with them.
And I must tell her father , mother , elder brother and her,
in case they really come to me on Sunday, 7 PM,
[- the date June 5, is 44 years after the so-called Six Day War....]
that they should consent to a 3 days test, from Tuesday to Thursday,
and that for the weekend she will be back with her family,
and until then decide, if she and her family agree to my proposal.

Now I feel humbled and deeply grateful, that by this sudden togetherness
and because of those confusing, troubling,feelings, which flooded me for 3 hours,
I was guided to proceed in line with the message , which I got in 1988,
the message on the silver-tray with the Bedouin drawing of my little son in 1972,
which I inserted in "nourishment' on May 24.
It's a message, which I got already in 1958 or 59:
I attended a very short lunchtime service for students,
and the minister talked about that verse of Micah 6:8:
"It is said to you, what YHWH demands from you ....
to walk humbly with your God"
"I've a 3 year old boy", he said, "if I want him to walk with me,
i must walk as slowly as he can walk.
That's how we must walk with God's walking with the World."
And I, who have done such big things in my life,
must now empower one single person, yes an 18 year old girl, yes a Bedouin female,
who grew up in and is part of the most primitive and degenerated society in Israel.
Step by step.
It seems to be one of the biggest challenges
I, the so often superhuman Christa-Rachel-Maryam, have ever faced.
But if I feel all I feel and listen to how I am guided with utmost attention,
I may succeed after all, and Hathra will become a leading star for her society,
and her society may become a bridge between Jews and Palestinians.

The subject matter of these feelings is as far from you as the next galaxy.
But I'm told, that I must not worry about YOUR voltage!
You can transform what I radiate to you into what you need,
even if my mind can not figure out, how!

And this can only be said in German:Ich habe Dich lieb, Markus! Maryam

June 4, 2011, Maryam again
Markus, may I come to you again?

Mika came to me already at 6:45
and after about 20 minutes of watching - or being involved - in her first activities,
it dawned on me, that I hadn't been true to myself,
when I tried to convey my process to you, 8 hours earlier:
the old message of "walking humbly with your God" was there clear and exact,
so why did I miss the - new - point of it??????
It is not so much with Hathra that I have to walk humbly,
but   WITH   M Y S E L F !

The tumult of feelings yesterday was meant to show me,
that I must not make the situation with Hathra more complicated than it is,
by "helping her to come in contact with people and situations."
I must , at first, not even take her to the pool or to the grocery!
There is so much for me to cope with, when I'm alone with her!
If I'll bring her and myself into interaction with others,
I'll constantly feel (or project and feel) Hathra's embarrassment,
and the other people's uneasiness because of Hathra.
One of my most torturing patterns:
the fear of not living up to other people's expectations,
will not only make me excruciatingly tense,
but may cause me to even over-do it,
like I did often in my life: instead of retreating when I'm scared,
I flee forward right into the abyss of the danger....

So, the first rule is:
I'll be aware of and move the seemingly intolerable feelings of two kinds:
a) to not know "what to do with her", i.e. how to guide her into structuring OUR time,
so that it will be neither too intense or not intense enough for her,
and not frustrating for me, who feels best when alone with myself.
b) my natural need and desire to have ever so many ideas per day,
and to - rightaway - plan and initiate their realization.
[Remember my proposals of singing and learning Hebrew,
which made you simply laugh, though I was - and am - totally serious...]

In other words:
I must NOT plan anything for those 3 days,
[which, by the way, or not by the way, include the Festival of Shavuot,
http://www.myjewishlearning.com/hot_topics/ht/shavuot-2010.shtml ]
except meeting my landlords and my neighbors
(since I've prepared her desk and bed on my veranda
and they will see her ).
I'll not even go into the - frightening - trouble, of providing her with computer and Internet,
- not during the 3 "experimental" days, which I want to propose to the father, mother and elder brother.
I'll focus on her learning Hebrew - mainly with the help of the digital recorder,
which I myself use for learning and rehearsing songs, on my way to the pool and back.
I've already bought a new one via Immanuel (104$), so that I can give Hathra the old one.

What I must s e n s e most of all, is, w h e n  is it FUN for me to interact with her
and when do I need to be with myself, even if that will mean to desert her for a while.
The most scaring time is the evening.
I'm mostly very tired and could go to sleep at 8 PM.
But then, of course, I would wake up in the middle of the night.
So I use my tiredness in order to be in contact with "what I can celebrate in the world", via TV .
Unlike in March, when you and I started to skype - there are no relevant Hebrew programs now,
except twice a week "A Star is born',
which is much deeper than a competition between singers, and , indeed, suitable for Hathra.
If I would like to watch something on 3SAT , it would - because of the language - exclude her.
And as to inviting her into my one room - for how long can I "talk" with her,
in Arabic (I've great difficulty to understand her dialect ) or in Hebrew, of which she still understands so little?

So, again and again, this will be an exercise in "walking humbly" with myself,
and to trust, that if I focus on this goal with my whole being, all else will follow,
'in her time'.

Again, remember that this sharing is meant to encourage you to do the same!
Open your heart! Maryam


June 6, 2011 to Markus

I'm listening to your latest upload "Hope",
though this kind of "music" depresses me,
I would at least like to understand the two lines of text.

June 11, 2011, to Markus
Markus,
I'm worried, please let me know, if you are still alive.
Not only because you don't write,
but also because I wanted to open your music and couldn't.
Maryam

June 11, 2011, Shalom Maryam,
yes I am still alive.
I had a lot of shifts happening. One of my jobs I did is no longer. Also physically feeling tired.
It feels like I am coming into a new space but am not there yet and this is a transition phase.
I was even considering living in a tent for a while. I just have been feeling tired and exhausted.
In these times its hard for me to say if I am actually in the process of healing or just fragmenting more.
I don't feel like doing anything.
No healing work no letting go of judgments,
not talking or communicating with anyone, its all so tedious to me at times.

Why do I have to "work" for something? Why can't I just Be and have everything I desire now!?

Will the suffering ever end? Shalom,Markus

P.S.: here another site with currently four of my songs. www.soundcloud.com/selbstklang

June 12, 2011,
My dear friend,
What can I say to your excruciating depression but :
go for the one desire, which in your lines stands out in contrast to everything else:
Live in a tent!
You know, I've done that many times, and not only between 1998 and 2001:
http://www.empower.co.il/healingkiss/appendices/DesertVision/The%20Pyramidion%20or%20the%20Future/(8)%20MyOwnLiving-in-PyramidalTents.htm

The food will come to you, when you need it! Maryam

 

 

 

On Jun 1, 2011 J. wrote:

This is J.. I found your website, and Now I want to contact you!
Thank you!
I may come to Isreal, sometime. I like how Earthy you are.
Your site scared me, and it still can. But I am willing to work with it.
I found RUOW when I was 22, 3 years ago. It cut me open, I was wondering...HOW?
Ouch! The impressions inside all welling up.
Coming to surface
pain, Holes, Glory.
In some ways, I have hated myself for being Jewish. It is hard to say that. I even renounced it to myself. 
I have ability to go to Israel on the Birthright program.
If so, I would like to meet you!
I am American.                                                        I want to be real and not proper.
                                                                            To vibrate FREE.
I want to absorb your experience. I know I can learn from you, With you, of you. Not better than. But downloads. Remembering. 
I'm trying to drive backwards and  let this happen. No Plans!
OK thank yOU!
BYE!

June 1, 2011, Shalom, J.,
Even if you wouldn't be Jewish, I would ask you,
to throw out the Hi and Bye and adopt this deep greeting,
when meeting and when parting.
shalem means whole, and shalom is first of all wholeness with myself
and then and only then can there ever be shalom=peace between people and peoples.

I'm glad, you have the courage to contact me,
while admitting, that my website "scares" you. Why?
It seems to scare everyone,
and except for some people in the first 2 years
(it's now ten years that I learn-heal-create on this site),
who after the first or second contact felt so triggered,
that they projected on me all kinds of things and left,
There has been only one person, who - in Febr. this year - asked what you asked,
to work with me. He is German, age 30, but lives in Texas. Where do you live?
He won me over to skype, but just recently I became sure,
that this way of communication doesn't give enough time to feel and think,
so we are just beginning to communicate by e-mail.
If you can come to Israel and meet me face to face,
it would of course, be much much better.
In the meantime I must leave the initiative and direction in YOUR hands.
Since you didn't call me by name,
I suggest, that you call me by my Arab name: Maryam.

And thank you for the compliment , that I am "earthy"!

June 1, 2011, Well, hi. And Shalom.
Sorry, my communication is probably going to be fragmented. I feel like my heart, which would pour straight out, is closed, covered, blocked.
So, Also, I see myself just writing what you might want to hear.
I like Shalom. Hi and bye seem so puny sometimes.
and as for being Jewish, I didn't like what I saw of it. I had no choice in the matter. Lots of empty words, and unaware people. I got Bar Mitazvah'd.
So, I cried for about half an hour after reading your email.
then tried to write back, and felt all these complexes and things I hated about myself trying to come up.
that all the ways I Felt like writing were stupid!
So, thanks for that.

I would say, your site scared me, in the sense, if I was walking on the earth, skipping along, and, saw beneath me, deep dark chasms, streaking into the earth.
And trying not to notice these caves in the self, I skip over them.
I just took a drink of Kefir, and got something kind of fuzzy and hard in my mouth. I spit it into my hand, and it was a big nasty fly!!!!
Now when I sip from the bottle, I feel Fear, it will happen again!

I just was visiting my dad. I felt so many fears, kill feelings, dead feelings. Un accepted, feared, and hated. Misunderstood.
Its like that fly in the bottle. I imprinted on this.

I live in Wisconsin. For now.

I see owning the projections and feeling the feelings is really going to be the worthy part of this interchange.
Elsewise, its just me blowing smoke up my ass.

Well, Earthy, is how it felt to me. Like you are un afraid, to be and feel, everything in you. which means, Whole. But there isn't a little cute technical spirtual technique,
that is containing, and exacerbating these feelings. you are just going for it!
I imagine that I would feel both safe and threatened around you. And that I could show, what I had been hiding.

Every now and then I meet people with really strong, open, flowing emotional bodies, it feels like such a relief! I also feel more clearly the patterns of my wounds, when it is Obvious, they are not being caused, anymore, by something or someone outside.

When I saw you, I felt, its like water. Like Roots, coming up from the Earth. I Guess that would be, the mother, or the will.
Also, I have been finding, alot of hatred, in myself, for women. Or my mom. Or the earth. Not sure which or where it began, though I intend to find out. And clear it.
Like I never got what I wanted. Like they held out on me. Messed with me.

Also, I said Joy in the email because I thought that was your name!
I didn't know.
So, Hello, Maryam! Shalom!
Aloha is nice, I think.
Namaste, conjures up feelings of superior spiritual people putting on affairs and making me feel stupid for not being so COOL. and profund to use that word and mean it.

Skype, yes...I don't want that right now. Maybe? Often I just feel uncomfortable and put on the spot.

Also, I want to say, I'm finding that i could write in way that goes through all my triggers, and, or I could write, in a way that keeps on the surface, just in areas where I am safe, and clear, and relaying this to you.

Well, for now, Shalom Aleichem -J.

June 2, 2011, Shalom, J.,
Delete the first 3 words and begin with "Shalom".
Don't judge your communication. It will soon flow serenely.
Don't judge your heart. It is open - if not, you would not have written to me.
If you see yourself "just writing what Maryam wants to hear",
then let's laugh about it, both, you and me.
It will soon change, and you'll be wholly yourself with ME.
Who am I for you?
a sounding-board which lets you hear your own voice on a higher frequency.

As to your being Jewish - you will touch this choice of yours (choice before your incarnation) soon.
You may have discovered on Healing-K.i.s.s.,
that for me becoming Jewish was a choice in this life,
when I was 25, just like you are now.
I made my Ph.D. in Jewish Thought, see "My Book" on Healing-K.i.s.s.
And the biblical stories were the first source that nourished me at the age of 6.
They still nourish me , at the age of almost 73.

Your "complexes" and "chasms" and "caves" are "wombed",
even if this does not yet help you to let go of fear.
Fear , too, is wombed.
[You may adopt this new word in English:
In Hebrew and Arabic "to be compassionate" comes from the noun "womb".
In the womb there is no duality, there is only darkness, only water...
Ha-El ha-rachmaan, or Allah el-Rahim el-Rahmaan
means God the compassionate, the one who does not judge, leave alone punish!]
I, myself, am confronted with fear in these days.
But the issue and the background
(has to do with Bedouins and my Partnership Work)
are so complex, that I postpone sharing this with you .

"I see owning the projections and feeling the feelings
is really going to be the worthy part of this interchange."

Yes, and skip the judgment, which you added to this intention!

"I imagine that I would feel both safe and threatened around you.
And that I could show, what I had been hiding. "

Yes.

"my wounds, ...obvious, they are not being caused, anymore, by something or someone outside."

That means, that you are now the Master of your Life, or "PARENTAL", as Godchannel calls it.
This is freedom, but of course, in the beginning freedom is difficult,
that's why the Hebrew Slaves wanted nothing but to return to Egypt and to stone Moses.

I like your poetic expressing, your metaphors, like that you feel me as "water", as "roots.
As to "the Mother, the Will": none of us humans is either "Spirit" or "Will",
we are all four aspects, Spirit, Will, Heart, Body, and I feel myself to be mostly "Heart".

You intend to find out the source of your hatred for "women, my mother, the Earth".
Please use me as your sounding-board.
I don't understand the English or American idiom: "they held out on me!"
Do you want to explain it?
And how did they "mess with you"?
Und what is it, or was it, that you wanted and never got?

Though you are no longer identified with this victimhood,
you may - if you want - pour out the feelings of it.
The same goes for "all your triggers".
If you just state clearly, every time,
when you want to "move" feelings,
then it will be easy for me to listen .

And take your time with this interchange.
Don't rush it.
Much will be communicated and transform non-verbally!

Be wombed, J., like the biblical J. in the sea...
Maryam (means "bitter Sea")

June 8, 2011, Shalom, Christa
I didn't want to write you, I wanted to work through more feelings first. But I also feel stressed and want to communicate.
Maybe my heart is open, though I know it holds loads of grief. I have somewhat of a concave chest and have difficulty breathing. I don't know most people are like that.
Thank you for being a sounding board. It has been hard. I cried like crazy, after this second email too.
How do you know I will touch my reason for Incarnating Jewish soon? 
I want to know more about the karma of the Jews. I know I have read some of what it says in the Right use of will books. It shocked me.
I was wanting to know, what do you think about where it says: "most of the people on earth are not real", that they are fragmented parts of...us? me.. you?
I don't know why peoples consciousness differs so much.

I know alot of what I wrote as hatred towards women, is really, more to do with anger and rage, at not being nourished.
What I meant, when I said, "held out on me" means not to give. Like they held their love away from me.
Are you familliar with the Character structures? Such as: Schizoid, Oral, Masochistic, Psycopathic, and Ridgid?
I feel like I will die if I am loved. Like love is a trap. Even wanting things, like walking down the street and feeling like all my wants and needs are 
leaping out from the vendors, the tables, all the people and their energy.

Another thing I wanted to bring up is this:
Where does the suffering come from?
Am I emotional, or having emotional pain because of:
diet
Living situation
radiation
past life
Or is it the Will?
I guess this is question of how the Will fits in with everything else, and where the responsibility lays for how to fix it.

Another thing I want to bring up is this confusion i sometimes have, 
about healing
and hurting
Sometimes I feel like "healing" is just a secret word for Attack and Destroy, when it comes to how I deal with "bad" or hurt feelings.
And often I have feelings on top of feelings.
And often there is a duality, as in Nourishment.
I need it, I long for it, and I hate the pain associated with it. With reaching out for it. With It not already being there.
So I will feel a tender little desire in me, and then fly into a rage, feeling like that little desire is going to lead me into Powerlessness, into submission. That I will turn into an endless uncontrollable stream of wanting. And that I will be controlled and used through that.
It is often a Rage, against others, or the world, that I cannot express, so turns into Self Hatred.

The question of what was it I wanted that never got.
Is a hard thing to think on. I guess, some kind of love. A juicy, welcoming love that really accepted me for all of who I was.  A Place, for me to be. A dad who didn't secretly despise me. Or despise himself. Hm.... Though it feels hard to see clearly through all the unmoved feelings. 
Today I rage, like I haven't raged before.
Opening the throat, Screaming.

Im going to leave it at that.
I hope you will have time to tell me about the Bedouins some day. That sounds, really intense. I am amazed and proud that you are doing that. 
Healing the hologram.
Each transpersonal part of the self, encompassing the whole universe.

Please forgive me, I notice I have some tendency to sabotage. It is called "I'll reject you before you reject me".
In someways it is so much easier, to connect with someone, who isn't in the room.Shalom- J.

June 12, 2011, Shalom J.!
I wonder, what it means,
that after many years of no reaction to "Healing-K.i.s.s." ,
I'm addressed by two young men, one 30 and originally German, one 25 and Jewish,
one from the farest south of the USA, one from the farest north
and both of you are crying out from the deepest hell.
See: "Light's Way to dwell in Hell" http://www.empower.co.il/healingkiss/PuzzlePieces/pp54.htm
Of course, I was in such hells for most of my life (in August I'll be 73),
but how can I be "a womb" {where there is only acceptance, no judgment), 
for you across the ocean, by communicating only virtually?

I'll relate to some of your more concrete pains, J.,
and hope, that my ardent joining your desire
for learning to live a life of grate-full-ness, zest-full-ness and full-fill-ment
will manifest step by step.

As to your difficulty to breathe,
Please apply the simple key of "Paula" , called "palming",
http://www.empower.co.il/healingkiss/InteGRATion-into-GRATeFULLness/Singing&Sounding%20is%20sound/pages/2007_02_14-ha-yad-al-ha-enayim.htm

As to the Jewish "karma": I advise you to not deal with it.
What RUOW says about it, doesn't help you , J.,
to understand the purpose of your choice of this identity.
The Hebrew Bible - in its deeper layers - gives an answer,
but since I see you loaded and surrounded by judgments against your Jewishness,
it won't help you at this stage.
Please postpone this "issue", perhaps  till we meet face to face,
and focus on more important "issues".

The same advice pertains to the question of "fragmentation" and the difference in consciousness.
J., if RUOW and Godchannel.com resonate with you,
then concentrate on the only truly vital, crucial purpose of your life:
"to heal yourself into wholeness and - by extension - all of Creation".
You'll be on your way, if you release more and more judgments about yourself,
and accept more and more of who you are, in body, feelings, mind , history, etc.
The first step is and will always be: your readiness to move your emotions  
http://www.empower.co.il/healingkiss/PuzzlePieces/pp17.htm
and at the same time - even while being so scattered - to imprint in your consciousness,
that it's you who is staging your life , and it's you who attracts all your actors,
in other words, you must choose to  become "parental", as Godchannel calls this,
"parental" to your own life and then to all that "happens" in the world.

http://www.empower.co.il/healingkiss/PuzzlePieces/pp41.htm

As to your question: where does the suffering come from:
I wonder how you,
who has staged in his life to be open to the info from RUOW and Godchannel,
haven't found the answer there?
My guess is, that you are unable to let in  their info,
because you do not move enough of your suffering,
which brings me back to the advice in the former passage.
The fact, that you scream your rage, is just the beginning.
If the screaming doesn't dissolve into crying tears,
it might be only a "dramatization".
The latter info I got already in "Re-evaluation Counseling",
a learning since 1977, without which I may not have understood "Spirit's" message (since 1987).

Thank you for relating to my "Bedouin drama".
I've completed it - FOR THE TIME BEING - as you can see (June 5-9) in
http://www.empower.co.il/healingkiss/InteGRATion-into-GRATeFULLness/Nourishment-from-Others/pages/2007_06_01-Body-Mind-Centering.htm
But, I don't think, this is relevant for you at this time.
Please tell me more about your exterior circumstances,
the exterior "staging" of your life,
so that I may - perhaps - be able to give more concrete advice ,
when you share with me your terrible predicaments.

Christa
[if that's the name you chose, I'll go for it]  

June 13, 2011, Christa to J.
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Healing to Wholeness <admin@healingtowholeness.org>n

If I were to love myself The world would be transformed
No feeling inadequate, like I made a mistake
No comparing myself to others… no matter what
No feeling bad about how others respond to me Their acceptance or not
No believing I’ve done anything to be sorry for
No feeling like I’ve let anyone down [...]

You may view the latest post at
http://www.healingtowholeness.org/if-i-were-to-love-myself/

June 12,2011,
I have often asked myself that question. what would I do if I loved myself. then Imagined
then I thought what the fuck? WHAT IF?
WHY DON"T I ALREADY. hmmm.
Good thought.
THanks though. -J.

June 13, 2011, Shalom, Christa
Ouch, the deepest of Hells!
Sounds about right.
Although, I'm not sure where I am. Exactly.
So I want to tell you the specifics, the concrete details, like you said.
I live in Madison Wisconsin, 2 or three blocks away from my Parents.
We don't really get along. Its one of the most confusing, building blocks of my life.
recently my dad kicked me out of the house, which was great. And horrible.
I just quit/got outed from my job. I worked at a restaurant I hated.
Now I am going to try an sell pinhole photos, or do what else.
I think I may move. To a different state. I am struggling with being here in the home of my birth.
I am working on, working through, my name. I want to change it.
I have heard your name affects your life. And often I have wanted to change it.
So I called these peopled called the Kabalarians, who help with the math behind it
and find you a balanced name. So you can express yourself in life, better.
I'm really struggling in relating to people. I feel starved for contact, especially physical, and emotional energy. I haven't really had many freinds..although,
i have had many many people in my life.
I have gone through major confusion, upheval relating to my sex or gender.
at the crossroads of father, mother, lover, transgender, past-life, projected needs, weak boundaries, no father connection, frustrated by girlfriends..sensitive nature.
lack of role models.
I'm working on my body. Many parts of it are disconected. Blockages at: the base of skull, lower back, heart, throat, pelvis, legs are very blocked off. My verbal expression is held in check.
So, I have been trying to welcome my sexual energy into my body, to heal, and enliven, when I masturbate, and sort out my anger, frustration, fears, dissapointments, and rage, and more, about sex. And love.
And, i have been learning some Kung Fu. This is making me feel tougher. I used to just walk around, and look at the flowers, and get really ungrounded, and psychic, and be like a nature spirit. Dealing with people was very hard. I didn't know who's energy was who's.
Then there is music. I am some kind of musician. Its like I have, a natural gift. Which has been a source of pleasure, and a place of great pain.
I don't really use it. It has been hurt too much.

I feel really fucked up about money. using it. Spending it. Asking for it. receiving it. Charging it. taking it from other people.
I have been pretty broke my whole life, barely worked. always hated what I did for work. I went to college for a year, and hated that too.
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I had a dream about Israel last night.
I was in some kind of Adobe building. Looking out into the desert.
There was my uncle (jewish) sitting out there, In a sand storm.
The sky was dark, the sand was whirling around in a Cyclone.
I Wanted to go out, and be in that Cyclone, to be lost,
to have sand in my eyes, to be confused, and whirled around.
So I did, wondering why, I had to do this to myself,
why it felt good and yet I wanted to go, and wanted not have to.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I want to show you something of myself:
I started making a website. First time. I used what I think my name may be.
XXXX
it has some of my photos, and some music.
Please think, this music, I improvised it on the fly. I didn't sit there and compose it or study.
I have a hard time accepting myself there.
Maybe you can help me. I feel like I have rejected the ways I am special, and even hated myself for it.
Hid it.
So please listen.
I feel so frustrated, having this "gift" (even saying that kind of makes me want to puke or "vomit") and not really sharing it.
http://gator401.hostgator.com/~shiloh/
[January 29,2012: I couldn't open it]
Also, now you know what I look like!
+++++++++++++
And what you said about not letting the info in.. Hm. I will have to think about that.
I didnt, or I felt like there was too much coming in. When I first read RUOW, I nearly went crazy. Or I did. So I felt so entirely overwhelmed, I shut most of it out.
Really what I was shutting out was the voices, coming from my subconscious. The room full of Doors, all opened on me.
I didn't know who I was. I still don't!
+++++++++++++++++++++++
As for crying the pain, I wish I could more. Its like it only happens when I'm ready.
alot of times I feel too terrified to feel like crying.
+++++++++++++++++++++++
I'll leave it at that for now. Shalom- J.

June 18, 2011, Shalom J. -
Is it real guitar-playing in "birthdayyy"? And is it you who is playing?
And in "I miss you", is it you who is singing?

If you do give a damn for my intuition,
then please try to communicate with Markus.
.......................,
As I told you, he contacted me in February for the same reason that YOU contacted me.
He,too, was touched by Right Use of Will, and like you, does not mention Godchannel.
He is 30, from Germany, and now writes only, if I push him, which worries me.
For we had an agreement in the beginning, that if one of us would want to stop,
or if one of us would need time --- that we would tell each other so.

My father-in-law (died 9 years before I was born) , Franz Rosenzweig (quite famous among Jews),
would say in your cases:
"Nobody can pull himself out of the swamp by his own tuft (or crest?),
but even if we are both in the swamp I can grasp your tuft and you can grasp mine,
and - against the law of gravitation - we can pull eachother out of the swamp."

If nothing else, then the common ground could be your music.
http://soundcloud.com/selbstklang

The commonalities between you - despite some sharp differences - are such,
that talking with each other - at this stage -
would be more beneficial than talking with ME.
Perhaps it could be a triangular communication,
like in my song, which appears above all pages of K.i.s.s.-Log 2008, from August till December:
"Then those who see Ha-Shem will talk among each other,
and he listens and he hears."
http://www.empower.co.il/healingkiss/K.I.S.S.-LOG/2008_12/12_31.htm

I waited with my response till now,
because I wanted you to digest more of what I wrote,
and perhaps benefit from the pages on Healing-K.i.s.s., to which I linked you.
But now I want to relate to some of the things you wrote:

To be "kicked out" from both, your home and your job, is good.
One of the greatest messages of the early and later Bible is,
that we need to "go out" like water goes out, - if not, it becomes a swamp.
If we do not part by our own volition from people or situatuations we have out-grown,
we'll be, indeed, "kicked out".
http://www.empower.co.il/healingkiss/appendices/BiographicalSculptures/lekh-lekha.htm
This was and is true also for the community of Israel, by the way!!!!

Yes, a name has a strong influence on us.
"Shiloh" is the name of the sanctuary of the northern tribes of ancient Israel,
that perished after the destruction and exilation through the Assyrians in 721 B.C.)
I'm not sure, what those "Kabalarians", mean.
The fact, that you call them like that - cynically? - doesn't prove , they are right for you.

"selling" things is definitely not "going-to-yourself" ("lekh-lekha")

As to your question, if there is no value to raging if it doesn't dissolve into crying:
of course, there is value -
if you rage around and scream (not in the presence of the people who triggered you),
you at least alleviate what is choking you in that situation.
This is better than "acting out" (=blaming .... up to killing others),
or "internalizing" (causing Body to take over and develop cancer).
But it's not more than "treating symptoms".
A trigger is attracted "to point out a hole in your wholeness that now wants to heal".
http://www.empower.co.il/healingkiss/PuzzlePieces/pp4.htm
So, if you don't heal the hole - first by moving enough anger until you reach the pain and cry -
you'll attract more and stronger triggers.

Christa

WOW!
I had just parted from my channeled response to you: 9:30 AM, Israel Time
and began to move on to read other e-mails,
when I opened this message, which is exactly for the three of us!

You, Markus, live in Houston!

You, Y., are free to travel there and reach just in time,
to be with what the musicians in both of you will greatly enjoy.

And I was reinforced in my understanding with regard to you both!
Daniel Brower, whom I don't remember to have met or heard of,
and I've no idea, how his group e-mail reached me, says:
"This teaches me
that sometimes we do not have to complete the mission,
that others can do it.
Yet we must do everything within our power to make it happen.
So be it. So it is."

So the time for sending my letter is already NOW!
And each of you will open it, when you wake up in your morning!

Shalom! Be whole! Sound! Together! Markus and J.!
Maryam or Christa, Your "Sounding-Board"....

June 19, 2011, to Markus and J., subject; Angels on the Abyss

Until I feel that the time is right,
my draft-mail-box will guard this response
which came to me spontaneously,
after I had read both your letters
at 7:30 AM, Israel time, on June 19, 2011

Markus and J.!
I'm angry!
I feel, I want to grasp both your heads
and bump them against each other
so strongly, that you open your eyes!

Markus' letter is short,dry and constricted ,
J.'s letter is flooding and outpouring.
To my intuition, that you should help each other,
Markus relates with one sentence of pessimism,
and J. - in all that long outpour - not at all.

In all the exterior dramas and interior depression,
which I, too, staged all my life - until some years ago,
I always could see my "angels on the abyss",
and let them - not rescue me - but support me.
As to the rescue - I must and can do this only myself.
But you two indulge in shoving off those angels,
because if they don't rescue you, who needs them.

Both of you had one practical "desire":
Markus, you feel inspired to live in a tent,
J., you feel inspired to leave your country.
There looms hardship in these imagined scenarios.
But sometimes it's good to escape from interior hells
into harsh coping with c h o s e n exterior hardships.
If you despise communication through music and writing,
then perhaps you should meet face to face "for a weekend",
and give a chance to discerning your angel in each other!

Get up and move your hurting asses and tortured souls!

I've written this with inspiration from OUR "Higher Selves"!
And also - I refuse to be a "lower person",
who does no longer count, when you, Markus, are depressed,
or who is tried out as a therapist or Guru by you, J..
Both of you need to move abysses of pain, anger, self-hatred.
I do not judge you for being at this stage of your growth,
but neither do I want to play the role which you cast me in,
being your supporter, sometimes embraced, sometimes rejected.
I could - I'm not even sure of that - make myself available for that,
if you two were just living around the corner, geographically,
because then you could sense my listening and wombing physically.
But it's not by accident, that you are not with me, but with each other,
even if one is in the north and one is in the south,
even if one is a German and one is a Jew,
70 years after the holocaust and 27 years since RUOW....

That's it! That's my ultimatum!
Do not contact me until you have met each other!
Christa-Maryam-Rachel Bat-Adam