I focus my experiencing and awareness on being
"a pioneer of Evolution
in learning to feel":
I let my Body vibrate and my Heart 'womb'
pain, shame, fear, boredom, powerlessness,
so feelings can >heal >guide>fulfill>evolve,
and ~~~ offer ~~~"goldmines"~~~ to us all!!
"I
want you to feel everything, every little thing!"
K.I.S.S. -
L O G 2
0 0 8
Keep It Simple Sweetheart
Know exactly what you want, communicate clearly what you want,
then get out of the way, live and play, and let happen what
may! 10:00 I desire to do during this day,
what many Jews do through all the night of Shavuot - LEARN.
Except for going to the pool twice as usual and nurturing my
garden - I want only to study,
study or re-study the "websites which resonate with us",
the Channelers, and perhaps with me.
One hour of downloading Bat-Mitzvah photos before
"altar" and "pool"now feels as a waste of
this day.
No TV until 19:30, and therefore no new creations, no completing
of kisslog pages,
only following my moment-to-moment desires of
studying.
9:50 My Body,
my Partner,
my God
I give thanks to your mobility ,
the freedom to walk, run, dance, swim, swing, climb, bend,
lift,
be it in my home, in my town, in my country, on the planet.
'Do not urge me to leave you, to turn
back from following you.
For where you go, I will go; where you lodge, I will lodge;
your people are my people, and your God my God;
where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. (Ruth 1:16-17) I am grate-full that I chose and was
permitted to
join Israel,
its people, its country, its history, its biblical-talmudic
source of life.
I am grate-full that I chose to be called Rachel, with all
its meanings,
including the Arabic meaning: "the one who wanders",
while the name Ruth, which should have also fitted me,
came to me with my son's two wifes, both called Ruth...
Finetuning
to my Present
11:35 Instead of starting to study, I "needed"
to correct an important page: "A Time
of Fruition",
it includes "A Midrash about my Name",
to which I wanted to link the "thanksgiving".
Having not yet finished, I hear the phone - and only wish "not
to be disturbed".
It was Ofir! He called on their way home from a holiday: "Could you possibly be with Lior
the whole day tomorrow?
Or are you going away? Do you have siddurim things
to do in town?"
"I'm in Arad, and I rarely have "siddurim",
but I'm disciplined the whole day long,
focused on what I want to do.
I always phrase my intention in the morning,
of how I want my day to be.
And what I need for this, is being alone.
As much as Lior and I use to have fun together,
I already told Meital once,
that I have difficulty
being with anyone, including children, longer than for 2-3 hours,
even at Shoham I'm usually with Mika for 3 hours and alone between
8 and 5.
I could miss the morning-pool ,
and take her to the noon-pool, which by then will be open for
Lior too,
but what about the rest of the hours?
"On the other hand, I'm not yet
saying "no",
for I want to be open to what comes from the outside."
"Well, you can still think about it, we'll be home in
about 2 hours."
Maybe, it means, that being with Lior
is what is asked for.
But right now I feel dissappointed, that my intention is "disturbed",
and - ashamed !!! of feeling that way!
I'll grant myself 90 minutes of concentrated studying,
and while going to the noon-pool and swinging in it,
I'll listen carefully to my inner voice.
I am frustrated with the attempt
of studying the
sites,
"which resonate with us", us the
Channelers of Godchannel
The Danish Henrik Rosenø's "Transformation"
is a summary of some of the info in RUOW
and Godchannel.
This may be a good entry to both sources for other people,
but for me there is nothing to learn.
"As
above so below" by Damon Toth :
Damon was a participant in the Godchannel
Forum,
when it was active from 2000 to 2001,
and he was one of the few who "received" me
and to whom I'm therefore grate-full.
I even sought to contact him, when his book first appeared.
In vain.
The book has to be bought , online or in paper,
and since I don't have a credit card,
and would need to bother my children with buying,
I'm giving up on this source of info too,
if indeed it would be a source of relevant info for me.
The same is true for Jonathan Author's
CD, There
is a Garden
It is not online and so I can't benefit from it.
The site of Krow Fisher ,
Here on Earth,
mixes info from Godchannel with the channeling
from "The Council of the Elders".
Somewhere in Godchannel "Spirit" says,
"if you can get info from the highest source,
why make do with other sources?"
see
Meeting the Source "with the highest, most inclusive
point of view you can have. ...
My communication is always inclusive and free of judgment."
and
see Channeling Class Discussion: Working with Entities To stay on the safe side
it is always best to ask only for connection
with the highest Source available to you and
see Truth and Reality Class, Basic Principles: You are right to question what I
have said here
because it comes from a source outside of yourself and
see Discussion of the 4 Steps of Wholeness:
You are right to not do things that don't feel right,
regardless of the source of the advice.
Your own sense of what is right for you or not right for you
is better than anyone else's, including mine.
And that goes for things I tell you on the inside
as well outside channeled guidance like this." and
see Discussion of God's Messengers:
There will never be one 'outside' source of information
capable of interpreting me or Deity completely,
or of delivering all of my messages.
This is why I put so much emphasis on the importance
of our direct,
inner communication and
see Discussion of God's Messengers, Page 2:
"What does not feel good to you in the message of another
person
may be a denial in that person, or it may be a denial within
yourself. Please, be willing to look deeply for the answer
to this,
and be honest when no understanding is clear
and greater emotional movement is needed to feel the relative
truth
of 'God's word' as filtered through another human.
"Best of all, listen within yourself.
Listen to me and the Mother, and to Body and Heart, as
we come to consciousness within you.
This is always the truest, clearest, and most direct source
of divine guidance and understanding."
Of course, light can be seen
in the spectrum of colors,
and I've tried to do that again and again,
but in the end, any other "color" turned out to
be -
either limited in understanding
or not focused on what is most important.
And most important is for me,
how to live in this moment,
how to feel this or that feeling and what to do,
when I see myself not accepting or even denying it.
For instance, it is not so important for my purpose,
to understand "fragmentation"
or even the two devils
and "Asuras"
or the millions of processes which are going on now
to bring about the great "shift", or "Heaven-on-Earth".
The great shift will not happen,
unless I, Christa-Rachel Bat-Adam in Israel, in Shoham and
Arad,
mother of 3 children and 3 children-in-love,
grandmother of 10 grandchildren,
tenant of my landlords and the parents of Lior and Amit,
learn and full-fill the conditions of "Heaven-on-Earth-in-Body"
in the most miniscule situations
which may bring up the most "ridiculous" fears or
"problems".
"your special quality is,
that you know what is important to learn and what not",
said Julia Neumann, Erich
Neumann's widow,
when she read my hands in 1981.
Even in Godchannel much info is not or no longer important
for me.
I desire not to waste my time
by searching 'the needle in the hay pile'!
Especially since I am such a slow reader in any of my languages.
Even as a child I was attracted to read only what helped me
to live.
I now feel annoyed with myself that I still attract too much
info,
which is not focused enough, not relevant enough.
As to cyquest
, Mother Home, there is much moving
biography,
but the contact I established with Christine in 2001,
which was disconnected by her because of my "lack of
discretion",
or what I call my "transparency" (see
pp28 and
28b about "No Overriding"),
does not encourage me to try and read and read
and find the crumb of bread which would nourish me.
As to HealingToWholeness.com
, I now know for sure,
since it's said so expressively on this page
of links,
that it is run by one of the Godchannel-Channelers,
and I do want to benefit from it more and more.
15:10
In the pool I became "absolutely" clear about
the solution to my problem:
I'll say to Lior's parents: "I'll guard Lior under
one condition:
that you rely on me and let me take her to the Dead
Sea."
On the way back I rehearsed: "without
blame or guilt or denial".
If I would say: "Yes", I would deny myself
and would blame them.
If I would say: "No", I would feel guilty
and also blame them. [at
this point an SMS from Hamza
in Gaza - as if this is what I need now!
I'll respond later. One problem at a time is enough,
if I have the choice...]
But then - half an hour search for "Egged"
& "Metropoline" bus-lines,
and no satisfactory result.
I call Tzippi, who has worked at the Dead Sea and should
know. "Are
you crazy to take her to the Dead Sea, when it's so
hot, even Khamseen?
And there is only "Egged", 3 times a day,
and yes, only after 10 AM".
She was sweet: "A
pity I won't be in Arad!"
"What could you do if you were in Arad?" "I
would be with you!"
Trying to get back to "Egged", to find out
about return busses,
the site insisted that "Ein-Gedi" didn't exist,
nor "Kibbutz Ein-Gedi".
It was then, that I understood, that I hadn't listened
to the right voice ...
So what am I to do? Please help!
and forgive that i bother myself and you with such a
ridiculous problem:
'What to do with a six year old girl for 8 hours!'
"Accept the 'ridiculousness' of the problem with
all your New Heart!
Your Dead Sea idea was a way to escape your terrible
feelings,
wasn't it?"
Of course, but if there is an escape, shouldn't I take
advantage of it?
"Well, as you can see, it doesn't make sense, that
idea.
And it's truly dangerous for the little girl.
I'm glad you have learnt your lesson with the
RedSeaTour.
"
I haven't learnt it, as you can see.
I needed those hammers on my head:
no public transport and Tzippi's repeated warning.
"Still, you attracted those hammers fast,
before any damage could have occurred."
Now I hear Ofir outside, what should I do?
Say: "Yes" and feel what you feel,
without words, without deeds, without planning.
Take it as a workshop!
I must meet him now!
.....
I went outside - he has gone. I called - no answer.
"Now you want to rush forward, to make your "yes"
final.
Or you want to make it easy for them, knowing that they
too are afraid!
and because you feel guilty for not having said 'yes'
right away!
You have nothing to "do" or "say"
but "yes", when the time is right.
Period!
[A few
minutes later, while finally eating my not so tasty
lunch ] Now I really feel guilty!
And afraid, that they won't come to me at all,
deterred by my strong message, that "I cannot be
with anyone for long".
So some damage has been done after all.
"They may be deterred,
but you did not deny nor lie. You can love yourself
for that.
If it's difficult for you to respond to their quest
and you need time to think,
why shouldn't it be difficult for them
to put that quest to you and be prepared for your answer?"
Yes, but if they've already given up
and won't expose themselves to my answer?
"Doesn't your
song say: no need for words, nor for
deeds,
whole will my spirit flow with my universe?
(1) Your response on the phone was right:
you did not deny nor lie. You only asked for time to
think.
(2) Escaping your terror has been prevented by those
hammers,
and you did not bring yourself and them into an impossible
situation: 'either
you trust me, that I can handle the Dead Sea Khamseen,
or forget about me guarding your daughter'.
You can be grate-full for that.
Sense how terrible the hot wind is even now,
while you sit inside your castle fanned by a vent!"
Yes, I am grate-full for (1) and (2),
and I'll let go now and trust,
(a) that they will have the courage to approach me
(b) if they still want me to take up the assignment,
I'll take it
(c) I'll accept my terror and move it until and during
the assignment.
"You could also look forward a bit to being with
this child!"
Again I feel the fear as if I had blown it already,
not only towards them,
but towards my own "staging" this mini-drama.
"Then feel the fear, tremble the fear, cry the
fear.
You wanted this day for study!
But I wanted you to experience what you want to learn.
It's alright to enjoy learning, but as you could see:
you didn't enjoy it this morning, you felt frustrated.
"There isn't much helpful info which your mind
doesn't have already.
What you need is experience to apply and to really understand
it!
And not the experience of big dramas and highly emotional
interacting.
"It is the finetuning, you chose! It is the closeup
you need!
To accept your shame - isn't that the big lesson?
Not the shame about some big crime or some sexual misbehavior,
but the shame about feelings, which nobody would justify!
You judge yourself and everybody else would judge you
too:
'It seems that you haven't had any real (!) problem
for a long time, ay?
that's why you make a problem out of something which
is enjoyable:
a kid wants to be with you, her parents trust you,
you have all the time in the world,
you are creative, the kid is creative,
what better way to spend a day could there be?
You should be ashamed and if you are bothered by goodness,
be careful, you might attract "real" problems,
"real" difficulties!'
Release these judgments!
Accept that you attract such "ridiculous"
problems as your way to learn.
Please, open yourself to any experience that might come!
But be true to your feeling
which is afraid of an "experience that might come"
Accept, that your feeling wants to refuse or to escape,
but then let your loving spirit embrace the fear and
ask it,
if it is ready after all to open up to the experience
and the feared feelings.
Though now I couldn't find
anything new or relevant for me to learn
in NewHeart.ca
I'll quote a message about what I, too, see as the cause
of all pain: the lack of self-esteem. of
self-love [see my process of
understanding concerning the Jewish-Palestinian conflict
in "A
Time of Fruition"]
"I bring you back to you
now.
It is your self-worth.
It is actually a piece of My own self-worth."
(Holding a warm glowing ball of golden yellow radiance
in Her hands.
I receive it and it fills my solar plexus.)
"The rift between your Father and I existed because
I had no self-worth,
or very little, enough to exist I suppose.
Without self-worth unloving light had places to anchor
within Me.
There was more unloving light within Me than there was
My own self-love. Because I held such little essence
of self-worth I was an easy target.
I was not solid. My essence was full of gaps and spaces.
I could easily be punched full of holes.
"As long as I kept My self-worth from Me
I was vulnerable and Creation could not go on.
Creation had no hope. My lack of self-worth
empowered Spirit
to disown
His own feelings
of lack of self-acceptance.
And so it has gone, around and around and around.
"I bring you back your gift of self-worth, sister.
It is yours.
I have held it for you.
You could not own what I Myself was not able to own
first.
You can only go as far as I have gone.
But I have it here for you.
I am glad to be able to give it to you now.
"Our men cannot see the truth and value of who
we are
if we do not see the value and truth of who we are ourselves.
If you want value from your men you must value yourself
first.
This is what you must show them ~~~ how you value yourself.
Self-value is the true anchor of all relationships.
It takes a long time to get there, sister.
Look at Me!
It has taken Me eons to collect Myself
and love Myself into a more solid state.
I still have much of Myself lost in Red,
but I am retrieving Me, a bit at a time.
"All sisters may ask Me for their gift of self-worth
now.
I have been holding this essence for you,
safe within My own embrace until you have been ready
to receive it.
They are special gifts.
In loving Myself and finding My own self-value
I have allowed you to find the value of who you are
deep within yourselves.
This is My gift to you.
We have not had access to our self-love before, sisters.
It has been so damaged
and like a child it has needed time and space to grow.
I have been nurturing self-worth, for all of us.
It is growing and gaining momentum.
We will build a world of love, sisters. We can because we are building
a world of self-love within.
"We are the seeds of Creation.
We are the foundation.
The love a woman has for herself is the love for all
the world to be built on.
It cannot be any other way."
But after having received
this message over and over again,
the problem stays on, how to apply what I understand?
And what is so utterly frustrating even in the above
websites,
which "resonate
with the Channelers",
leave alone the other "millions of web
sites on the internet
that deal with healing and spiritual issues " are some characteristics which
simply prevent my learning...
I'll talk only about the main one:
the authors give only the scarcest info about themselves,
if at all,
i.e. they rarely let me see and watch and learn from
them,
how they heal their feelings in general
and the lack of self-love in particular.
I myself encounter a million
different situations,
where the re-discovered slogan: "to feel better
you have to become better at feeling"
must be applied to,
every time anew!
How would any of the above authors
deal with my miniscule problem today;
to guard a six year old kid for 8 hours?
How would they lovingly accept the "ridiculous"
fear,
that Lior will be bored
and that I won't know 'what to do with her'?
How would they release the judgment,
which I have against myself
for preferring to work on my website
and not "waste my time" with a child?
Do they have any idea of the trembling terror I feel ['what shall I do
with her?'}
and of the humiliating shame I feel ['you deserve to
be punished for casting away such goodness:
a child desiring to spend time with you']
and of the debilitating regret I feel ['I'm loosing so
many hours of working creatively']
What a wondrous gift, that unlike those authors,
the God of RUOW
and Godchannel shares his fears and failures...
At least my fear I conveyed to Ofir!
For at 18:20 he did , indeed, come to me and tell me
this: "We found a solution
after 12 o'clock, but not between 7:45-12:00."
He was as sweet as always and even understood,
that fear is one thing and understanding is another.
And when we parted - after I had explained,
that no "solution" had to be found for the
time after noon,
because at 13:30 the outside pool would open ,
he said with humor: "So
if the only problem is your fear,
then over come it!"
"Exactly! That is what I do".
I didn't tell him, that the point was to neither deny
the fear,
nor succumb to the fear,
but take it along with me,
like I would support a lame friend in the desert:
putting my arms around or under his shoulder and go....
This is Shavuot for most Israelis, and though
usually I keep away from crowds,
on this day I delight in the fact, that these young people and children
are free
and at least in Arad also secure and safe and not even aware that they
are Jews...
Since I didn't dedicate more thoughts to Ruth,
the Moabite, except for choosing that image by William
Blake, the prophetic poet and artist
I want to to create a sculpture from some of Arnon's photos of their
Tour
to Moab and Edom, both areas in the Jordanian State of today,
in honor of Ruth, the "Convert", on the day of Shavuot as
well as towards the birthday of my "desert-grandson"
Arnon..
Arnon's great disappointment was, that they
could not visit or enter the
River Arnon.
All his life I've been telling him about this biggest source of water
to the Dead Sea.
To his last birthday I even made a
song about the River, Wadi Mujib.
and now - for a reason I forgot - the group wasn't allowed to approach
it.
I myself visited the area east of the Dead
Sea down to River Arnon in December 1998.
I was all alone and with no car or jeep or guide. I was on Mount Nebo
and in Medaba
and I climbed around in the mountains.
But my main interest were the people, (doing automatically "peace-work"
everywhere)
and so it happened, that I met a family working on a tomato-field.
They invited me to their house and I see myself confronted with 5
grownup daughters,
none of them married, because they couldn't pay the dowry for potential
grooms....
Did little Ruth - the greatgreatgrandmother of
King David - have a father who walked with her through this water, like
my son Micha with his daughter Ayelet?
whole&full-filled,
never perfect&complete "to
feel better requires that you become better at feeling"
Keep It
Simple Sweetheart K.I.S.S.
- L O G 2
0 0 8
2013
Concerning
the
2013 Song May Nr. 7
I asked Yael, my granddaughter, if she had an intuition,
what the strange words "veyakharish be-ahavato" mean.
On June 11, 2013, I thanked her: I referred her to the 2nd stanza of "you
ask me if I love you"
and said, that "this is not me". But her third interpretation is extremely
relevant to me:
The lover knows when to be quiet, when to listen,
and thus gives the beloved his/her own space.
