The Purpose  of   HEALING - K.I.S.S. - as stated 12 years ago - was and is   to help me and my potential P E E R s  "to HEAL ourselves into WHOLEness, and - by extension - all of CREATion!"

Intro to Healing-K.i.s.s. 2001-2013 and Overview of its main libraries [If you look for a word on this page, click ctrl/F and put a word in "find"]

I focus my experiencing and awareness on being "a   pioneer of  Evolution  in  learning  to  feel": I let my Body vibrate and my Heart 'womb' pain, shame, fear, boredom, powerlessness, so feelings can >heal >guide>fulfill>evolve, and ~~~ offer ~~~"goldmines"~~~ to us all!! "I want you to feel everything, every little thing!"

Does what I think or do or say right now
cause me to sense one sensation in Body?

"the easiest way to begin sensing first chakra energy
or anything in Body I can sense, especially in my shoulder-blades
"is to flex the sphincter muscle around the anus,"
is to sense "Paula's point" between the shoulder-blades,
which may actually be the heart-chakra!
When you release the muscle "point",
"a slight tingling sensation is left.
This mild sensation can be used
as a perceptual doorway
into deeper layers of sensation
in the energy of your first chakra.

April 12, 2011:
In the early eighties I did "Chakra-Meditations" with Erika Knoller,
but when I re-entered my "Creating on the Exterior Level',
i.e. building, driving and inhabiting my mobile home,
and later - manifesting my Vision about Desert Hosting Economy,
I forgot about chakras or every other method of meditation,
and I am still unable, even unwilling to follow Spirit's advice here!

"The practice here would be
to feel into the tingling
and allow your awareness to stay focused,
and then follow the sensations
as they radiate away from the area of the muscle.
This can bring your awareness to the next,
even more 'subtle' layer of first chakra energy,
and as your awareness continues to follow the energy,
notice how it changes.

"The next step is to 'run' the energy
by consciously intending to move it with your awareness and your breath.
As you inhale,
use your intention to draw the energy up to the next chakra,
and bring your attention along with it, bathing the area with awareness.
You can continue drawing the magnetic energy up the chakras
in this manner.

"In feeling or sensing the energy…
your loving focused awareness on its movement
increases its quantity and improves its quality. ...


"To begin sensing the energy in the other chakras
it may be helpful to use a hand or finger
to put pressure on the outside of your body in the area of the chakra.
By first contacting the physical sensations
associated with a chakra's energy,
the other layers of sensation can begin to resolve in awareness.

"And although it may be subtle, it's not that mysterious.
This is the same kind of energy that you experience
when you feel into your body's sensations."

Does what I think or do or say right now
cause me to sense one sensation in Body?
May each Handgriff & Fusstritt be conscious and delicious !

Baraka - brown, warm - from below,
Charisma – golden, soft - from above,
meeting in my Heart
[About Baraka and Charisma: See my letter to the Channelers in Discussion about Running Energy]

"If there is no sensing or feeling of the energy
then focus on feeling into the sensations in body
around the area of each chakra
and go through the process using just your imagination and breath,
and you will be feeling or sensing the energy soon enough.
The object is to gradually become aware of the feeling of energy,
the felt sense of it.
As to "the felt sense", see excerpts from the (not-channeled!) book...

Grandma and Mika (16 months) -
both like climbing....
April 26, 2007

May 26, 2006 to the Channelers of Godchannel.com:

I have become even more aware of body sensations ,
but I made no progress what so ever in sensing the "subtle energies".

June 1, 2006 From Channelers

"You have probably already been sensing subtle energy,
and not realizing it.
Here's a practice you can use to learn if this is true.

"Find an emotional feeling of any kind,
and locate the center of the feeling in your body,
first through the fifth chakra."

I cannot find an emotional feeling anywhere,
but I can find and focus on a physical sensation
and do exactly according to the following advice,
remembering the "EST"-Training in 1981 (?)
and there - the healing of my horrid headache
which ended with
"don't let the pain change for a moment"

"Next, feel into the feeling
and notice if it is hard or soft,
tight or loose, warm or cool,
sharp or dull, still or moving. "

This is so much like Miriam Goldberg's
"Konzentrative Bewegungstherapie"
"See how the paining spot changes"

"and locate the center of the feeling in your body,
first through the fifth chakra.

I can only go directly to the location in the body
I don't sense any "chakra" energy

"When you feel into those qualities of the feeling,
you are feeling the energy of the feeling.
That is sensing the subtle energy
that underlies emotion.
In other words, you are feeling the etheric body
through the emotional body. "

As I said in the beginning ,
I now - January 2009 -
let go of this desire
and I still leave it alone
- on April 12, 2011

Yet I still desire and even pray:
let me sense
barakah and charisma
and the difference between them
and their merging in my heart

I wonder if now it might be possible for you and Elias [see my relation with Father Elias Shakur or Shaqour from Ibellin] to work more closely together. The proposed nonviolence center that he and I were meeting about a few months ago is something very much needed, in some ways as much by people within peace groups that now exist as in the country at large. We are ourselves in so many ways participating in the causes of the violence and the hidden roots of violence: ... deep hurt and rage, needs to be taken seriously... Peacemaking is to so great an extent a process hidden within the   w a y  of our lives.

They are confiscating more land in the neighborhood of Ibillin. What a good thing it would be if, however small, both Jews and Arabs found some way to stand in the way of this theft. Elias has been deeply discouraged by this event, expected though it was. At least such an action might help him in finding his way through still more seeming defeats.

My own circumstances: No, we are still apart. I am back in the apartment where we used to live together, sharing it with two others. There is room for a quest. Hence my invitation. The children are with me weekends and much of Wednesday afternoons. I expect them here in a few minutes.

There is an IFOR Council meeting coming up in India that I hope Elias can take part in, and I wonder whether you might too. A number of observers are invited. The big problem is, of course, travel costs… It would be very good to have you there, and I think you might find in it some encouragement.

As the kids are about due, I must stop. Much Love, Jim
PS How is it with your kids? Perhaps this is a great relief for them. They're ld enough to see into this pretty well, I would think.

 

End of February 1981:
a letter from Dita , my stepdaughter, and my answer,
after she had succeeded in the incredible assignment
of mediating between me and my husband, her father,
in reaching an agreement without the Court-of-Law

 

To Harvey Jackins, Re-Evaluation Counseling, February 20, 1981

...these are pretexts for informing you about the change - or more exactly - the transformation of my life: Five months ago I separated from my husband.
That I was able to do it, was partly due to a change in my "cognitive concepts',
meaning the insight, that the greatest effort of my past life -
"to ease suffering and not to cause it myself"
was not only futile, but right-out backfiring, achieving the opposite.
Still, I wanted to minimize suffering - naively - that's why I "left' the children to my husband, and all the possessions too. But the process which I started developed its own dynamics, months full of dramatic events followed, including my being knocked down and landing in a hospital with brain-concussion.
The end, though, is "happy": I've rented a little, but beautiful flat in town,
all the children moved in with me, one after the other, the old house was sold and I got half its value, which enables me to take my time in building up my own "business", so as to make a living, but also contributing to the environment what I have to contribute.

At one time I fled to the Lake of Tiberias, without leaving any message to anyone and spent five absolutely solitary days at the beach in a sleeping-bag.
As reading-material I took with me two or three of the "Present-Time" Magazine, and in the April 1979 number I found the story of Judy Wallace,
"Losing and Regaining', which comforted and encouraged and inspired me immensely. Looking back - I actually started where she ended and now everything has become so good for me.

As to RC, I am in trouble with your definition of "Humanness". You seem to leave out the "shadow", its necessary functions and the most important part of our responsibility - to   i n t e g r a te   (not to deny it as solely "patterned" behavior) our good and bad parts. If it were not for my understanding of reality as "wholeness, manifesting itself in the dynamic tension between two polarities", I would not have been able to launch the separating process.
For it was not because of my sufferings that I left the one whom I loved
(and somehow still do, as you say: "somebody you have loved once, you'll never stop loving"), but because I finally understood, why I had failed so completely.
Let me cite something which I wrote to my classmate and friend Heide in Switzerland, who helped me so enormously with my "Bir'am Model" in 1976.
She was a woman my age (42), who died from cancer during the period of my separation, and - according to my intuition - because of the same reason:

  "The one-sided goodness was our guilt.
  Since we were unable to bear - and solve (English?) again and again -
  the tension between good and bad in ourselves,
  the opposite pole created itself in our environment.
  In order to be able to afford , to be always "good",
  the other person had to be or to become or to remain "bad".
  The end?
  The tension gets dissolved either by explosion (my case)
  or by self-extinction of the one pole (your case). "

Please Harvey, relate to this crucial question of the function of the bad,
and I would be very happy, if you would edit this letter in "Present Time"
and ask the RCers the same question: how do you deal with the "bad" reactions or consequences of your "good" behavior?
I mean: how do you take responsibility for it?

 

To Hans Huessi (or Huessy) , son of Eugen Rosenstock-Huessy,
Homeplace, Jericho, Vermont, USA        February 20, 1981

Your letter, dated Aug. 28, 80, is still before me. The books you sent went with Rafael, but I find your father's way of presenting his ideas incongruent with my way of (very slow, very thorough) reading anyway. I prefer to pick up his ideas digested by you or by Freya [Freya von Moltke, Eugen Rosenstock's partner.]
The rest of the letter is addressed to your wife Mariot and to Freya von Moltke, too.

When I came back trom the States a year ago, a process started which now has come to a good end for me, and - on the long range - a good end for Rafael too, I hope.

It is because of my work for Partnership, that I invested most of my energy in keeping my marriage going. But then I realized - in the States last year (when I also visited Hans , and at another place: Freya, in Vermont) - while talking with Rushdi a hundred times to people - that partnership is not my highest value, but freedom of choice is. Consequently if you can't get out of a dependency (like Jews and Palestinians), the choice I have is, to turn the negative dependency into a positive one. This is painful and costly, but worth-while since the other choice is killing and being killed. But if you  c a n    get out of a destructive dependency, then for heavens sake get out.
This was the first "cognitive concept" that changed, and that made my separation from Rafael in the beginning of September 1980 possible.

The other cognitive concept was, that I don't want to cause suffering , on the contrary, I intended to dedicate my life to the alleviation of suffering.
But there's a book which I've been studying for 10 years - its importance for me comes right after the Bible and "The Little Prince":
Erich Neumann, Depth Psychology and a New Ethic,
and it finally had its impact on me: that reality always manifests in the dynamic tension between polarities, or in processes of integration and differentiation,
uniting and separating, and somebody who tries to stay at the positive pole only, to be "too" good, necessarily creates the opposite pole in his environment.
Concretely:
instead of loving a love that "gives space to grow", I really mad Rafael feel invalidated all the time, and the resulting behavior started a vicious circle.
This was brought home to me finally by two guests, one, a German Theologian student, a friend of mine, whom Rafael had invited to take my place while I was on that Partnership Tour with Rushdi in the US, in January-February 1980.
I had urged her to draw Rafael out - because the worst part was, that he just refused to cope or to even talk as people talk, in all these 20 years, that we lived our common history. Instead she talked with me for 5 hours after my return and said, that there was no hope, and she showed me for the first time another choice: I could get up and step out.

By the end of August an experienced woman from the USA, mother of 7 children, twice divorced, counselor, came and said:
"Can't you see, that this man feels invalidated by your very presence and that he is suffering terribly?"
Of course, I always saw that, but somehow I had the illusion I could make up for it by love and caring.

A very dramatic time followed. I even got hospitalized and delivered a com-plaint to the police for physical violence. Because of that and because of his daughter Dita's diplomatic efforts ... we finally reached an agreement, according to which I would get half the value of the house.

The children joined me one after the other, and we now live in a little, but beautiful rented flat in town. The money I got enables me to slowly proceed in building up my own "Business", combining making a living and carrying out some of my ideas. I separated from Partnership (but not from the cause), because I can't afford to do voluntary work now. The salary I earn, working as always in my teachers' college, and adding 3-4 lectures a week in different colleges for the aged, does not even pay half our expenses. And I don't want to lower the standard for the children, after all the terrible things they went through, and before Manuel has to join the army in July.

You will be terribly sad, and if you write to Rafael (his address...), his story will, of course, or maybe   n o t   of course, completely differ from mine. According to his outbursts, I had "devilish" intentions even when I forgot to put the salt on the dinner table, so you can image, that the world's languages are short of adjectives that would describe the evil I've done.
I hope you can go on and communicate with both of us.

 

 

March 9th, 1981
To the The Berkeley Holistic Health Center, CA 94701, USA.
Dear Edward, Lorin, Armand and Pamela  

I visited friends and saw The Holistic Health Book on their table. How they were ready to lend it to me, I can't understand, because for me now it's very hard to separate from it even for a week. Luckily they still leave it with me, but please send me a copy immediately. By air-mail!

If it's possible to "love" a book, I do love this book. It came at the right time in my life, with regard to exterior events as well as to my thinking. In fact, this year's courses at my Academic Teachers' Institute in Jewish Thought are dedicated to the "concept" (reality!) of Wholeness, "Shalom" in Hebrew.
(By the way, is it true, that, as the Encyclopaedia says, it was the South-African statesman Smuts who used the term holism for the first time, in 1926, "deriving the phenomena of life from a simple meta-biological principle"? And how did the term spread afterwards, do you have any idea?) By the end of August an international congress will be held in Jerusalem on "Medicine in the Bible", to which I am invited as a lecturer. Reading and practising your book – not systematically but just as you recommend in the preface – I've decided to lecture on: "Thou shalst be whole" and modern holistic health approaches (or "the" modern~~~, I don't know yet). – It might be interesting to you, that nowhere in the Bible is written; "be good'. If there is any general orientational command at all, it is this one: Thou shalst be whole, and this, too, was said only twice, once to Israel [Deuteronomy 18:13] and once to Abraham [Genesis 17:1] who represents Israel. And there was only   o n e   person who was called "whole" [Genesis 6:9], namely the mythical Noah, who represents Man . This orientation for life stems, of course, from an insight into Reality, which the Bible shares with the Far Eastern religious thinking and the mystics of all times and the modern scientists of physics, biology, psychology etc., though the symbols differ.

I was and am so fascinated by the content of the book as well as by the "application" of its message in the way, your editors collected, presented and commented it, that I am thinking or translating it into a Hebrew … Would you be ready to deliver me the rights for a Hebrew edition? This is a contingent question, because I am still not sure, that I want to change my preferences in order to find time for the translation. Or do you yourselves know anybody who would translate it into Hebrew?

This is a time in my life during which I want to retreat from an over-active life (last year I was in Berkeley with an Arab partner to confront your people with a new (holistic) approach to cope with the Palestinian-Jewish conflict, an approach that we had been putting in practise for six years by then, in an organisation called "Partnership". What a pity that I did not know about you then), and train myself in a more comtemplative way of living, before plunging into activity again. Yesterday I got my divorce and – while building a new life with my three children (14, 16,18) – I try to fulfil what I see as the task of the first half of my life, - learning to take responsibility for myself and for all my dependencies on others. The second half of my life will be centered around the "thou shalst be whole", and one of the ways of exercising this, is – to focus on improving my eye-sight.
I had just finished the expensive torture of getting used to contact-lenses, when I came across a woman who teaches improving eye-sight along the lines that I found in your book in the very same week – one of those coicidences!!! – she does not know your book, nor use the word holistic, but that's what her approach is. Even if the eye-sight will not improve, I can guess already, that there will be an influence on my whole body/mind/spirit. This will exemplify what I am going to say in that lecture, if I'll be alive by then.

There is another quest: …. It is very difficult to get any of the books here. The catalogue of Tel-Aviv University does not even contain the term holistic or wholeness. As a start I would be grateful, if you could send me the following books (if you can lend them, I promise to send them back within a month, if not, I'll pay for them)
- Adidevananda, Swami, Yoga as a Therapeutic Fact.
- Agarwal, Raghubir S., Mind and Vision.
- Akhilananda, Swami. Mental Health and Hindu Psychology
- Bailey, Alice, From Intellect to Intuition.
- Bloomfield and Kory, The Holistic Way to Health and Happiness.
- Daemion, Jonathan, ed. Pathways to Wholeness
- Wholistic Healing: Basic Principles and Concepts. Roberta and Herbert Otto.
Forgive me for having such impertinent requests. And thanks for editing the book!

 

 

Dear Don [Don Stone, see in "The Heart is Awake"] March 3, 1981

It seems that I can not get over the fact, that you just don't write. In any case, I want to make this last attempt to motivate you.

Two days ago I got my divorce. I separated from my husband half a year ago, and then a very dramatic period followed, I even got beaten up and landed in hospital, unconscious and with brain-concussion. Remember, that – while in the workshop in England – I promised my daughter to never ever divorce: In the end it was her who pushed me to do it; "Why should you listen to a thirteen year old girl? I know today that I can survive a divorce!" The final push came from a 65 year old woman, Gene Hoffman [see more about her in K.i.s.s.-log] , who has brought Co-couseling to Santa Barbara in California in the early seventies (but later dissociated herself from the movement because of its authoritarian structure). She came to visit me in the framework of "Partnership", but watching me and my husband for two days she said: "Rachel, this man is terribly unhappy. Your very presence makes him feel invalidated."
It was then, that I finally had to admit my total failure in loving him the way, "that gives space to grow". It was for his sake, that I left, though he would call this another of my most develish rationalisations.
I'll spare you the details of the ensuing painful exterior developments and – on my part – interior transformation. There was and is so much to be learnt, that I decided – now that my exterior life is completely in order – to almost totally retreat from activties and contacts for the next six months, so as to integrate the parts of my past and to let the way of "the   w h o l e  woman" (Don's expression) prepare itself in receptive silence.

There, too, a transformation has taken place: "I know now, that I can not handle and control everything. I can sow and harvest, but it grows by itself."
In a "Psychic Healing-Book" is written: "Know exactly what you want and then get out of the way and let it happen." You can guess from this, that I've done away with the limits which I set 15 years ago to the spiritual reality and experience. I believe, that now I am mature enough – meaning that I've taken upon myself   e v e r y   responsibility for myself and for my dependecies on my environment and on the world. That's why I am allowed to open myself to the reality "beyond", and though I'm still in a waiting-position, I sense, that the experiences will be breath-taking.

Externally – I am living with my three children in a small, but beautiful rented flat in town. I got half of the sold house, so that I can take my time until I shall have to earn our living (salary and aliments don't cover expenses!). Mona, my soul-mate , is – and has been for two years now – a wonderful young woman, born in Iraque, from where her family fled 10 years ago; she finishes her M.A. in psychology and paints.

DON!!! WILL I EVER HEAR FROM YOU AGAIN? Yours – Rachel.

 

 

To Jonathan Jacobi or Jacoby - in L-A or San Francisco?---March 10, 1981

Dear Twin-Brother

Having just finished a letter to the Berkeley Holistic Health Center, I feel like sending another letter to the same area, to you. It is late at night, but having led such a permissive life today, just reading, thinking, meditating, doing Yoga and eye-exercises, watching some birds on my balcony, playing piano, talking to each of the children, whenever one came home, nourishing and being nourished by Mona for half an hour, and enjoying to write some letters on this IBM bilingual type-writer, which I got today – I am still very much awake.

You already understand, that I have finally settled down. The "Get" was handed to me the day before yesterday, and simultaneously, though not in connection with it, all the problems, which can be solved, were solved. I even stopped the "chalturot" [not really serious work] , trying to enlarge my salary by giving lectures in colleges for the aged . It was not worthwhile concerning the money and only prevented me from creating the space which I need, in order to finish the business of the past and to let the business of the future (verbally!) prepare itself. There is only one lesson a week, which I continue to give, because it's 15 minutes from here and the audience is terrific. I also continue with the lectures in my institute of course.

I assume, you got all the important news from Steve. You know then, that everything has worked out miraculously. I am enjoying every minute of my life – with the children, with Mona, with my beautiful little flat and with the contemplative life-style I've chosen for this period of my life. There is no telephone to disturb my solitude, the car we bought is to spoil Manuel – (after the most hideous time he went through and before his army-service in July) and I try not to use it, since for me it's another stress-factor, and I dedicate time to get rid of my time-pressure and money-pressure-pattern and the "physical armouring" (Wilhelm Reich), like constantly holding my breath and never relaxing my eye-muscles. As to activities – I want to finish writing things I started or things that are on my mind all the time. Right now I am preparing a lecture for the Intern. Congress of Medicine in the Bible in Jerusalem by the end of August on "Thou shalst be whole" [Genesis 17:1] and Modern Holistic Health Approaches. At Benjamin's I found that fascinating "Holistic Health Hand-Book", which was the reason for writing to the center in Berkeley. A pity I did not know about this last year.
I am reading your letter, dated Oct. 26, 1980. But it contains your thinking about your coping and no information whatsoever about your situation. Nor does the letter from November. So could you please tell me about your Learning, Creating, Loving? Today I had a dialogue with "God", from which I understood, that I need to learn, that even these three life-contents have to be subjected to the rhythm of Up and Down, activity and receptivity, initiating and waiting. I have such a craving for the three of them, that I find this very difficult, especially since the educational environment still teaches us these as absolute values, and no-one teaches us "rhythm".

Please share with me some of your concrete doings and happenings, so that I know where to look for you when I want to think of you.

To Moshe Granot, March 3, 1981
I don't remember the person nor the situation where we met,
but I'm sure he is the "Moshe Granot" mentioned in Wikipedia

This is an exact description of a "trigger", though I didn't have this concept or term then...

See about the Aeneid in Wikipedia

 

 

March 22, 1981 - To Rama, my daughter's friend,
who had been a foster-daughter in our family for half a year (1979?)
I had not remembered, that exactly 30 years ago, I felt just like today, in 2011:
I need my "holy al-one-ness"
and find it difficult to communicate with anyone outside my family.

See "Partnership".....

 

12.4.81 A dream
The long dream had to do with Misha, the guitar-teacher of Immanuel, whom I hardly know. Nothing stands out clearly in my memory, but there was a lot of appreciation for me, more than I deserved. People even seemed to assume that I knew how to play the guitar. And I said to myself, maybe I should try again, despite my invalid fingers? It was half past nine in the evening and I was supposed to be home at 9:45, so I could go to the church-choir at 10 (it was my first Protestant church in the Eastern part of Stuttgart, where I used to go at the age of 8-13). When I saw, that I wouldn't make it, I tried to phone Rafael ( who lived in our first home after the war, in that Eastern part of Stuttgart, though there was no phone at that time), of whom I was terribly afraid. I tried to pull out a lot of those confusing present Israeli coins, but did not succeed. I forgot to say, that Misha wanted to talk with me, but there were about four other people of the guitar-group, or whatever it was, who waited for him also. So I said to them, please, hurry up, but when they couldn't, I said: I'll just go and buy some food and be right back. I bought some food, and when I came back, Misha was gone: he had to hurry, they said. I felt guilty and as if I had missed an opportunity (association: I want to start singing!), I go back to the phone and again try to gather all the coins I need for phoning, and I don't succeed.
(Julia Neumann: "you still obstinately stick to somethng you already know is impossible (guitar)! you still want to change people and to save the world~~~!)

14.4.81, A dream
Again a dream abut an old man ( is it possible, that I have a resentment about having lost my youth by being married to a man who was not only 16 years older in years, but even older than that in mind?) : An old man came to my door and asked if he could just sit in my living-room. I knew him, though now I can not recall who he was. Remembering how important it is for lonely people to change the atmosphere (while working at Bethel *), I took the sick people home to my tiny room, while having my afternoon-break), I agreed. But when I stopped working in the kitchen and Mona came, he was in the same room with us. In the beginning I did not even realize that he was a nuisance, and Mona, though seemingly tense, did not say a word. We started to have coffee, when I saw that the lovely little wooden box in which I keep my ear-plugs, had been broken in an atrocious way. I held it up against Mona with terrible rage in my eyes, as if she was to blame, but her eyes and her voice said something which made me remember, that I had discovered this already at night, when we were sleeping together. Then suddenly I became aware of the old man's presence. I turned to him calmly, strongly and said something like: now I wish to be left alone, especially since this seems to be the only hour that my friend is free. – He left, a little bit disappointed.
*)
At my time, in 1959, there were about 6000 people afflicted with epilepsy in Bethel. I voluneered for two months in a closed home for people whose state of health was severe. *) See about the Epilepsy-Center at Bethel today and in English

 

17.5.81 A dream

I have announced, that for a whole week at a certain hour each day I am ready to teach co-counseling. When the hour comes, only about 5 or 6 people, old-timers, are around and I start to work with somebody. But then people come in, a lot of people, more and more, they are terribly noisy and I can't keep discipline (something which has never happened in all my teaching grownups the last 7 years). Some of them suddenly say "mu" and make fun of it, and I – driven by the teacher's drive, ask if everybody knows what "mu" means . Finally one woman raises her hand. Across the noisy people who separate her from me, I start to explain, that it is a mantra (in the dream I seem to mix up the mantra 'om' with the first Zen koan 'mu'), and I also explain what a mantra is: "the rhythmic repetition of a syllable, which either has a meaning, like mu, or doesn't have a meaning~~~" – but then I wonder why I keep explaining instead of first organizing the crowd. I get a little panicky, even tears want to push themselves into my eyes. But then something nice happens in me inside – and it happens so often lately, proving that I really internalize my new outlook on life; I say: "Those who can't bear the difficulty in which we are in ( the lack of discipline and orientation, which some people cause and others suffer from - ) I would like to stay here, but if this is impossible, he may go." By this sentence I was really excepting the situation, not resisting it, not being afraid anymore, and even when people started to leave, I did not fall into the abyss of "having failed once more"', as I used to do in former times.

 

(26/4/81 , Julia Neumann: "Wir werden erst aufhoeren (mit der Analyse),
wenn Sie bei sich zuhause sind, nicht solange Sie noch im Treppenhaus weilen!"

 

 

The "reality" behind the dream as I noted it on July 16, 1981:

 

 

 

I noted:
See "Coming Home" p. 213.
This was one of my most cherished books:
It traced the mystical traditions of East and West:
"enlightenment" and "devotion".
But the book got lost and even on the Internet I can't find it.


See the traditional English translation of this immensely important passage
Exodus 33, 11-16, - the word "my face" is translated as "My Presence"

18.7.81
to Leila Simes , my Palestinian Friend, Finchamstead, Berkshire , Great Britain.

Dearest Leila
I was moved that somebody should take the trouble and write twice before I answered once; thanks! How lovely what you tell about the book. I just bought a book where one author contributed the most beautiful photographs and the other simple and very deep poetry. Everywhere you find this integration of arts now. I am looking forward to your creation.

Immanuel has to join the army tomorrow. He has been accepted as candiate for a pilot-course (but very few finish the course). 6 years ago I started working for a solution of the conflict beween the two peoples, so that Immanuel would not have to go to the army. What a grand failure – like everyting else in my life. Since I just cannot believe in my son's survival [until Mona screamed at me: "With your constant worrying about your son, you'll attract what you fear!" At that time nobody understood or taught, what "Abraham" and many others teach nowadays! But I listened to Mona, stopped to give energy to my worry and instead focused on his living and life!], I have given all my heart to his presence here and now for all these years and especially for the last months and for the last week, without ever intruding into his life or personality unwanted. Maybe this is the only traceable success of my life – the relatonship with my sons. By this I mean that I was able to avoid the pitfalls of being a good mother. A motherly friend said to me, when I was in the fifth month pregnant with Immanuel: "Take care of cutting the navel-cord already   n o w !" And this I did, time and again.

Ronnit is in Europe. If not for your husband , she would have asked you to let her stay with you for some days. But she'll at least call you.

Yes, your hunch was right! I gave up "this particular kind of partnership" too, already in January. The organization is still surviving, but ever since I stopped feeling responsible for it, not one single new member has joined and almost all those whom I had gathered, dropped out. It will die eventually – unless things in the Middle East will speed up even further and the explosion of the entire area will spare us seeing "Partnership's" disgraceful death.

Some weeks ago Mona and I went to see the film "The Sea and Its waves". [I now, on April 12, 2011, find this movie mentioned only in "Women's Cinema in Germany" - put "politi" in Ctrl/F) It was then that I wanted to write to you. But the pull of my chosen desert-life (= without "tasks", without friends, without obligations or stimulations) is so strong, that I would not have written unless your second letter had pushed me to. Edna Politi, who made the film, left Lebanon 15 years ago and Israel 10 years ago. So far the film is autobiographic. The Jewish, Israeli Lebanese Eva in the film meets Samia, the Muslim Lebanese in Paris, and together they cope with the conflict. No sentimentalities and no dispair. One of your TVs wants to acquire the film, so I hope you'll have a chance to see it. Edna conducted a talk with the audience and I – being deeply impressed by her artistic and human qualities - introduced myself and we had coffee together at midnight, and then she visited us here. The visit was less successful, because – though being tolerant by nature – she could not help attacking Mona for working as a workshop-leader in the army.

 

You once mentioned the term "spiritual journey". What did you mean? I seem to be on such a journey too, though still in the desert-part. But I am deeply content and confident. And it is in the light of this contentment and confidence that you have to read the seemingly harsh expressions above.
Since I cannot talk about the experiences of this journey, let me share with you something that happened at the beginning of it - one year after I got the first sign of departure – then, with YOU, in Nazareth:
a Dialogue with "God" in the bus,
coming from a lecture I gave in Kibbutz Shfayim
while reading: John C. Lilly, The Centre of the Cyclone, telling about "moving into heaven" with the help of LSD, (13.10.80)

I : I said to my pupils, that YOU are not our projections, but if you are ALL, you are also our projections.
- : (quiet)

I : Really, do I have to go through theses questions again? 20 years of suffering about who YOU are, wasn't that enough at that time/
- : Do you really hate the sufferings I let you have?

I : (hesitating) No ---- but I don't want to go through them again.
- : Nor do you have to. You are so much more mature, more aware of the difference between projections and reality.

I : Why then did you let me experience immaturity?
- (smiling): come on! How else would you know the joy of reaching maturity?

I : I wonder, if this dialogue is again a kind of projection.
- : Now stop that immediately! Trust yourself, that the projections will sort themselves out in time. Just listen, just listen.

I : but I might listen to a projection!
- : so what? I am the projections too, The difference between ME and the projections is, that after a while you'll always find out, that what you listened to, wasn't the reality that helps you grow and change. But you just be quiet, don't push, don't doubt too much. Just listen!.