2007_08_12

2009_10_27
Dedicated to Ya'acov, my brother-peer
see part of the story in "Water-Last Glimpse"

Late at night - 2007_08_17- Gal Mor said:
"You are singing first the traditional lyrics, and then yours!
It means, that you do not judge the first ,
but accept it together with your own."
It was, as if she had read a fleeting thought of mine,
while I let her listen to this song:
"Shouldn't I have separated the two stanzas
and created two different sound-buttons?"
No, I shouldn't!

The next morning:

At 23:20 I had completed this page with what I thought was a not yet recorded song
"mal'u asamenu bar".
The last activity was to insert the newly created page in the "Overview of other Authors".
But lo ! - the song "mal'u asamenu bar" already existed on June 10!
I was "not pleased",
especially since there had been a problem with recording the song and converting it into a sound-button,
and I had to do it all over again.
For what purpose did I attract this error and waste of time?

I let it rest for the night.
Waking up this morning I felt overwhelmed by feelings of sorrow,
following a deeply moving talk via "Skype" with Ya'acov Hayat yesterday evening .
[see The Story of Ya'acov, written in England, August 1997]
After a pause of almost 3 months he called me - remembering my birthday on August 15.
I asked him to update me about his life, but whatever he told,
was the very opposite of what I wanted and want for him:
"Heaven on Earth", or FULL-FILL-ment.

He told everything without expressing the slightest pain, anger or frustration,
except once, when I asked him:
"But how do you make a living now for yourself and your family."
"I'll tell you, but if you could see me, you would see how I flush with shame:
I've finally succumbed to living on the Allowance for the Disabled,
since all my endeavors to make a decent living failed."
Even his endeavors to contribute his excellent talents and experience
as a "counselor" and "facilitator" - without money -
have been rejected by some people.

I couldn't help saying:
"I don't understand your life!"
It was then, that he agreed, with a thin laughter:
"I begin to not understand it myself!"
Unlike in the past, when I had immediate advice for "frustrated" people,
I sighed , paused and said:
"This predicament is too huge to "do" anything about it.
I'll simply feel it, feel it with all my being, for the time being..."

Before that I had tried to encourage myself and him:
"Is there anything you are grate-full for?"
"Oh yes, for many things."
The first "thing" was, that he was "granted" to listen to a person in distress and support her.
He also mentioned Yael, my granddaughter, 8 years old, when she was Yaacov's pupil,
whose "Thank You" painting and words of 2004 are pinned up next to his computer [see below].
Still, I felt depressed and deeply pained by looking at my "brother's" life.


Suddenly a number struck me: the number 19! It is a meaningful number in the Jewish calendar.
[Only on Nov.25, 2010 - !!! - I learnt, that this is the time of the moon's orbit:
"Let's say, that it was Full Moon when you were born.
It will take 19 years, until you'll celebrate a birthday, when the Moon is Full"]


"You know, that my own predicament of lack of full-fill-ment lasted until November 1988,
until I was granted to create at least one thing in the exterior world: "Succah in the Desert".
I was 50 years and some months old then,
exactly as you are 50 years and some months old, now.
I was not granted to realize the larger vision,
of which the Succah was to be only a scientific R&D model ,
on the contrary , from 1993 onward every new creation in the frame of this vision, failed,
until I was forced to stop all exterior realizations, in January 2006.
[See the link "Predat-Nebo-Let-Go" on my website ARARAT-HeART]


"Still, I never fell back into the abyss of feeling Lack of Full-Fill-ment.
Everything I did - and failed - was fulfilling for me at the time I did it,
and in addition it taught me so much,
that now I KNOW, what my true vocation is.
It is not hidden in my Peace-through-Desert-Hosting-Economy-Vision,
It is not in creating exterior circumstances,
which would help people to get out of their victimhood and self-hatred,
it is my own healing and growing into wholeness,
from where one day I'll play my part in creating also the exterior "Heaven-on-Earth".

"As I said, I was 50, when I was released, liberated, truly "saved" from FRUSTRATION.
Does this mean, Ya'acov, that you, 19 years my junior, and 50 years old as I was then,
are about to find your vocation?
I believe so!
But you will not have to live the kind of 19 years, I've lived since!
Your vocation may not at all be in realizing anything exterior,
and it is not by chance, that even such wonderful opportunities for sharing your gifts,
like working in your daughters' and my grandchildrens' "Democratic School",
or your last hope "to be the loving father of a night-cafe for troubled youth",
were taken away from you."

At that point we thanked each other and parted.

As I said, my entire consciousness and feeling were filled with Ya'acov, when I woke up.
As usual I stretched my body in bed, sighed, breathed, squeezed and relaxed my eye-lids,
and felt all I was feeling, without judging it and without running away into "functioning".
When I was complete, and got up, and did the little morning "tasks" with joy and gratitude,
I opened the computer.
The first thing I felt like doing was to exchange yesterday's song for a new one.
The new song should express what I felt with concern to Ya'acov's and my frustration.

Already yesterday evening - after our talk - I felt strongly,
that for some time I should "leave alone" all the other people,
whom I've been "wombing in my womb of compassion" in a daily ritual for the last 10 months,
and focus on the Full-Fill-ment of Ya'acov, my twin-brother.

So - what song would help me focus on this goal????????

On June 25, 2008, Yael copied her poem to Yaacov for me
and added her memory of the meaning of all the hearts.

Yael, June 2004 With this painting you'll remember all the hearts and all the loves which are sitting around you. This year I enjoyed so much to be your pupil Yael, June 2008: The intent was, that the big heart is Yaacov and all the hearts around him are the people, the animals, the plants and the stones, that love him. After the night of the end of the year I remember that he called me and said that he was very moved by the paint-ing and that he put it in his room. Just recently he said to me, that the painting was still there at the same place.

Yael's, my granddaughter's gift for Yaacov, her teacher,
June 2004
Yael was born in May 1996

July 12, 2001-
A Reader's Letter to the local newspaper of Modi'in,
by someone who was shocked and shamed to learn,
who this man realy was -the man in the wheel-chair,
whom he had seen for years selling newspapers
in one of the buildings of the university of Tel-Aviv.


Yaacov visits me in my bus, 1986-87, and plays with my dog

Relationship Counseling in my bus
with Orit, about to become Yaacov's wife


Much later.... in July 1997 ... we met again,
see a glimpse of this meeting and what followed from it
in "RedSeaPartnerSHIP>Last Glimpse>A passage for Ya'acov"

Yahel, one of Yaacov's twins,
performing at Independance Day 2003,
with my granddaughter Rotem.

Itamar, my grandson, enjoys sitting on Yaacov's lap , 2002

In the winter 1999-2000,
after my "assignment in the Desert" seemed to have come to an end,
and I found shelter at the new home of my recently divorced son at "Shoham",
I had to find "something to do",
and followed "God's" advice, "to cease manifesting",
and instead "to drive backward into the future".
One such journey was into my songs, my own, and especially those of others.
I leafed through all the books etc.,
in which songs in the languages I learnt (and partly forgot) were dispersed
and copied them into a little book,
adding an alphabetic list in Hebrew, Latin and Arabic letters
which I, some months ago, photographed and put on my computer.

This morning, searching for a song for Ya'acov and me,
I opened this Computer List for the first time ever.
Should the song be in Hebrew or in another language?
My eyes started to scan the Hebrew list,
but stayed stuck already on the second title:
"Avinu Malkenu"!

I felt and knew,
that this traditional song of asking for compassion
suited my feelings.
So I started to do the technical work
of exchanging the "erroneous" "mal'u asamenu bar" for the "avinu malkenu".

Sometimes I'm doing some research on a song,
in this case on the "piyutim" website.

The "avinu malkenu" song,
which I probably learnt already at my Hebrew Ulpan in September 1964,
contains only the last line of the long ancient litany, as I found out.
But in trying to reach this line by leafing through the entire litany,
I came across a wording,
which hit me like a thunderbolt:

"Our father, our King,
fill our barns with "sovva"!"

The first thing I understood, was
that the song chosen for yesterday "by error",
that very secular, very early-Zionist, song

"mal'u asamenu bar" ="fill [plural!] our barns with grain"

is based on this line:

Next,
I wondered, yes marveled at the wording of the line:

why isn't the metaphor of the "barn" completed with the metaphor of "grain"?
Like the harvest metaphors in my beloved song
Psalm 126, the famous Shir Ha-ma'alot,

with its chorus:
"those who sow with tears, will reap with jubilation"

and its last line:
He that goeth forth and weepeth, bearing precious seed,
shall doubtless come again with rejoicing,
bringing his sheaves with him.

Why should our barns be filled with "sovva"?

Moreover, the litany already asked for salvation from "hunger",
and for the provision of "kalkalah" and "parnasah",
i.e.the livelihood and making a living every day

Third,

looking in "Babylon" for an English term for "sovva",
I found not only the strange terms "satiation" and "satiety",
but the term "fullness".
All the 3 terms have a negative connotation,
meaning "to feel too full" of food or anything else,
but there is no neutral term in English
neither for being "satt", in German, or "save'a" in Hebrew
nor for the verb "saettigen", "sattmachen" in German, le-hasbi'a in Hebrew

[see Psalm 145 and the two songs about becoming satisfied with food]


But in "fullness" I felt the connection to "full-fill-ment",
and so,
with the term in Hebrew "sovva"
and the term in English "fullness"
I had found,
what I had been searching for so intensely for the last week:
a term for the main condition for Heaven on Earth,
- after the satisfaction of the basic needs:
food, water, housing, clothing, security, and love...-

Sovva - Fullness - FULL-FILL-ment.

It was then, that I walked to the pool and swirled in it,
which both - the walking through my little "Wadi of Compassion" -
and the Dolphin swirling in the water -
is the space in which my intuition, memory and creativity are at their peak.

I came home with a second stanza to the "avinu malkenu".

In beginning my own stanza also with
"avinu malkenu",
"Our Father, Our King"
I honor and bless "the people before me" ,
as expressed in the Heaven-on-Earth song,
and only make up for the male form of this address in my last line,
in which I encompass "God's" female aspect,
the magnetic essence versus the electric essence,
which expresses as will and desire, emotions and feelings.
But I want to stress,
that the present "God" does not want to play the role of "our father",
[see the last passage of "God's" comment on the book "Conversations with God"]
and even less - "God forbid" - the role of "our king",

See the passage:

"know that this 'father' thing is temporary.
As I've said,
these days the best way to understand my role in your life
is as the coach in your journey toward wholeness.
I'm happy to be helpful of course,
but until you don't miss me in the old father role,
you may not be grown up enough
to be wholly on your own,
your own creator."

You can never hold back spring
You can be sure that I will never
Stop believing
The blushing rose that will climb
Spring ahead or fall behind
Winter dreams the same dream
Every time

You can never hold back spring
Even though you've lost your way
The world keeps dreaming of spring

So close your eyes
Open your heart
To one who's dreaming of you
You can never hold back spring
Baby

Remember everything that spring
Can bring
You can never hold back spring
a youtube with the lyrics only
The finale (with the song again), where his secret kiss makes her recognize who he is

How much I've loved and I love what you do not know
and do not know why did not I never said
even if I stay silent, you understand that you

How much I've loved and I love what you do not know
I never said and never will not tell you
words do not count in the love has music.

If you had asked me: "What shall we do?"
If you had asked me where we go
I would have responded where the wind goes
the clouds are an embroidery
raining on my head a storm
are you hiding the sky but then disappears in the middle of words
why I do not speak and then I feel bad

How much I've loved and I love what you do not know
and do not know why did not I never said
even if I stay silent, you understand that you

How much I've loved and I love what you do not know
I never said and never will not tell you
words do not count in the love has music.

How much I've loved and I love what you do not know
I never said but one day you'll understand
words do not count in the love has music

"Abraham" , (1997) e-mail quote on February 21,2012

2012-02-21--- 2013_03_25DELICIOUS      DELETION