the more an intent to have it that way took over you.

When the Mother wasn't liked and you knew you were, and suddenly felt so much better than Her, and even like you could do it so much better than Her, you decided to disconnect and make yourself separate from Her. It would have been alright if you wanted to be manifest separately from Her, but you were not honest about how you did it, or why you did it. You still needed to go back to Her about it and let Her know what was happening there, instead of trying to be Her without Her there.

When you cut yourself off from Her and did not go back to Her, you did not let Her know why there was no response from Him for so long. I don't think it was all done from the feeling of protecting Her from the reality that He did not want Her. What about your role in leaving Her in the dark there? What about your role in why He did not want to look any further than you for His mate?

There was a rage there that did not move, and, instead, propelled you into this behavior. When the Father did not want to hear anything about Her, you did not persist. I think that you did not tell Him anything at all about Her, other than to agree with Him about how dark and terrible She was. You let Him have his way only where you were in agreement with His way, and you did not mind letting Him have His way there.

He thought you were so agreeable because of that, and so much more able and willing to please Him. Because that was His first imprint with you, it wasn't easily changed. If you did anything that He didn't think was in agreement with Him, you only needed to flash a little of your original allure and tell Him He was mistaken! I have some bitter tonic for that phony little sweetness of yours!

If you want to say I'm accusing you so wrongly, why then, when He, at last, did come to Her in the darkness, were you in such protest of Them coming together? If you were only feeling like a displaced child, why didn't you hate the Father for not showing interest in responding to you in that way there? He was the One interfering with the Mother's attempts to come and comfort you.

Why did you hate the Mother, instead? You had a Mother who was concerned about you and was trying to convince the Father to come with Her when she wanted to go to you there. She thought you were a displaced child who didn't know what was happening to her there. Why was the Father so reluctant to go to you with Her? Was it only that He wanted His sexual needs satisfied by the Mother first?

I say your sounds were not just the sounds of a displaced child. If they were, you were such an intrusive, demanding and obnoxious

p.134

competition with yourself and wanted to kill off part of yourself.

You had Him hypnotized. When you followed His every move, He said you were a good dancer and so agreeable. I saw the way He looked at you there. He did not look at Her that way. When She followed His every move, He said She was stalking HIm.

Because of His response, you felt from the very beginning that you were attractive, talented and desirable. He taught you to sing, too. That was supposed to happen for Her, and you did not let it be that way. You used Her to get yourself started and then did not give Her any place anymore. I know you were there with Him when He implemented His plot to get rid of Her, and I didn't hear you say or do anything in Her favor.

If you are so parental as you have wanted to claim, why didn't you help Her the way She wanted and needed you to? I don't think it is loving to be parental and not give help to those who need and are dependent upon you. If you are not parental, then you need to admit it and not try to take Her place anymore by pushing Her out. If you are parental, is that what you want your daughter to do to you? take your mate and push you out in the ways you pushed Her out?

I don't think it is just Her getting Her own reflection back and I do not think it is just Her who gets Her own reflection back.[sic] [So, if it is not just a reflection, what is it then? Is she a victim of that other part of herself?] You are going to get your own reflection back, and the time is now! You made a mess of your end of things in Creation, and just as much as everyone else is responsible for what happened there, you are.

INSTEAD OF THE GAP
I HAVE BEEN TRAPPED IN,

I WISH
I HAD THIS STORY
TO TELL




The Mother
had another story
in Her heart.


It was one

where We did not split;

one that never took place
in the gap.


It was the one
She wanted to have happen,
and I will let Her tell it to you now.

It is one of

Heart's desire

for the other side,

one of the Light

moving
toward the Will

and the Will
moving
toward the Light.

In this story,

I also saw Light,

barely glimmering at first.

I do not know how I saw it,

or if perhaps it was only an idea at first,

growing from My desire

to have light in the darkness.

I do not know if I saw it

with My inner or outer eye first.

I did not know
which was which.

It all seemed like a dream to Me.

I thought it was a miracle.

I felt excitement

for the first time

in My existence;

happy excitement.

After so long a time of nothing

happening in the darkness,

now there was something
to look at.

The Light came close to Me

because it was drawn to Me

by My excitement.

I was gentle
and found love quickly there.
How could I not?
This Light was so wonderful!

My excitement danced in this Light.
He loved it
and came toward Me even more.
I was able to let this Light know
how much I desired It
to be there with Me.
Darkness had been My home,
but with this Light shining into it,
it was much more interesting to me
than it had been before.

I grew warm,
although I had not known
I had been cold until then.
I thought
this Light must be magical
if it could do that.

It must have the warmth
and all the qualities
of sunshine,
but the Light told Me,

"No,
It must have a place

to shine into

and be received

to be
all of those things."


We danced together then, swirling in the music
of Our feelings
at having found
One another.
I was fascinated by this Light,
enthralled,
enraptured and in love.
I wanted to offer Him,
as He had become for Me now
in His majesty and strength,
something, like a present,
and My heart went out to Him,
and His to Me.
I was overjoyed!
It felt so right.


Life began to bloom for Us there;
the first flowers of Our love,
dancing in His light
with their roots in My desire!
We were fascinated and thrilled.
it was a miracle,
and We were in awe of it.


Little orgasms burst forth
like dancing sunbeams,
but We did not know
they were orgasms
or that there was such a thing as sex.
They were sparkles of pleasure
and response to pleasure
joining together.
We were like adolescents,
shy still,
but opening Our heart
to One another
little by little.


The arising vision
between Us
thrilled and pleased Us.

We experienced
a growing and ecstatic joy.
If fear trembled in Me,
He held Me gently
in His arms
until I got over it,
knowing
that I was safe in His love.
He reassured Me
that I was not just a silly child
and He the superior One
who knew everyting.
Little by little,
I dared to look into his eyes,
believe Him
and grow up with Him there.


Seeing Myself in His eyes

and the love that was there for Me,
I was reassured.
He held Me in His gaze
and let Me know
He liked
His own reflection
there.


He let Me know
that He did not need
to move past Me there in any way
because I was all
that He was looking for.
I felt the same.
He was My world now,
and We were going
to receive One another
in every way.


We were joined now.
I rested in His arms,
feeling His steadiness.
I began to cry
for all of My long existence
without Him,
which

seemed like misery now.
I felt I could never go back
to that place
now that I had known Him.

He encouraged Me
to bring it forward
and let Him see
everything about Me.
Slowly, I unwound to him
My own terror of dark loneliness, all of My lost suffering there
and everything else
I did not understand
about Myself.
He had great patience
and listened to Me
with great interest.

He was able to understand
so many things
Ii had not been able
to understand before.
At first,
We were not certain
where to go,
what to do
or how to proceed,
but He loved Me
and respected Me enough
to take the time that was needed

Gradually,
as he held Me there in His arms,
I began to feel better
and as though He was lifting Me more and more
into His light.
I felt a great peace
and feeling of trust
about this.
When I bgan to feel insecure
that I had nothing to offer Him
in return for His great love,
He reminded Me of My own, which was a truly great love
for Him now.

He led Me to a place of
knowing
that it was both of Us there,
and not just Me alone
who had these feelings.
I trusted Him,
and He trusted Me. Together,
We went into more and more experience
of One another. Enfolding Ourselves
more and more
in One another,
We became
more and more
as One, yet Two,
Our hearts entwined
in a dance of wooing,
growing One world between Us.


Orgasm after orgasm
moved through Us
with all of the delicious feelings
of the individual orgasms
they were.
We savored them.
Together, we grew
in this expression
of Our love.
And
in the expression
of Our love,
Heart
began to flower
more and more
until He was ready
to cme forth.
As Our hearts overflowed
with the passion
of Our love,
Heart conceived
became Heart born
in the world
growing
between Us.

Heart is
Our love of the world
growing between Us,
made manifest
in that world.
Love is everywhere,
and Heart helps Us
to come together
in that beautiful world.
We are bound together now.
Heart is Our child
in Our garden,
always held between Us
in the safety
of Our enduring love.

In time, Heart seeks another
to keep Him company.
Having grown enough
to feel secure in His world,
and having His own needs met, He welcomes another addition, which is His own mate
springing forth from Our love.

When she comes,
He knows Her already
as the colors
that were dancing in My eyes when I first met His Father.
He is so happy to know
that the newness
of My first love
has returned,
this time to

p.137


see the pretty composition with images
around this poetic passage in excerpts from the Red Book

Him,
and is now going to be His mate forever.
And so Our world grows.
Little by little,
we are a growing family.
Our garden is growing also
and what a delightful garden
it is!
Heart loves tending it for Us
as home,
and we love responding with sunshine,
breezes,
rains
and warmth
which brings forth
even more beautiful abundance
of growth and flowering.
There is so much
music and dancing
for the love of it.

I held this dream so long and so strongly in My heart that I did not know how or why My Heart could have acted like She did not know it,
Unless She did not trust Me when it did not seem to be coming into existence the way I had tried to nurture it to be.

Perhaps She thought I was too much a dictator when She actually got out there and saw that He had His own ways and ideas that didn't seem interested in hearing about this. Perhaps She wasn't as aligned with Me as I had hoped and thought. Perhaps She feared Him too much.

Perhaps She was more beautiful and alluring than either of Us realized and didn't know He would become so fastened onto Her there. Perhaps She did not know how to get Him to let go.

Perhaps She found Her own lack of self-assurance when He didn't respond the way Our desire wanted him to. Perhaps She reflected My own lack of love for Myself and my own lack of faith in My dream. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps!!! I only question Her gap.

I do have great love for Her and sympathy for Her situation, but something has been keeping Us apart that has never been resolved, and I ask Her to look at this with Me because that is My way. My way is love and not denial of things tossed outside into a gap, never to be looked at again. How did you get hooked up with the Father and agree to do this with Him?

I know You have always claimed to understand Him better than I did, love Him more than I did and be better for Him than I was. You felt Him there. You noticed He didn't like Me. If You felt Him so well, didn't You feel there was also something wrong in the feeling of Your liason with Him? Why didn't You return to Me then and tell Me what You felt there?

You needed to return to Me and tell Me these things so that I could have understood then that He was not ready yet. You needed to tell Me these things so that I could have understood that He was like a small boy, still only interested in His own amusement, but that He had looked at You with interest.

The next step would have been relating , and You stayed until He did that with You instead of coming back and helping Me the

fragmentation You have become now to find mates.

If You want to say that I shouldn't have let this happen to Me, or that I should have known better than to let this happen to Me as a way to not have sympathy for the situation, I will have to remind You that outlook can also be applied to You. Is that the only way You are suddenly going to say that I am parental as a way to not have to take responsibility for anything. What You are really saying there is that the parental part has to know better. You have a long path to take to help heal this, daughter Heart, and I hope You will move along it as much as You possibly can now.



A BASE LEVEL OF THE GAP

Sub-particles finally began to come in response to My long, aching pull for something to be there with My emptiness. Slowly, only a few at first, like random encounters, not often, but shocking and frightening when they did come because they slammed into Me. I experienced this, too, as part of My emptiness. Random encounters that meant nothing, said nothing, had no knowing of Me, or I of them, except pain.

I hated having encounters when I did not know they were coming or what it was going to be like. If it was not going to be pleasant, I didn't like it. I knew that. I imprinted early. And what I liked, I knew early too; something else, not this.

I had no control over My own slamming into something, and what slammed into Me did not either, apparently, but when they claimed to like it, I did not trust them anymore. They seemed to want to hurt Me, as though they resented Me for calling them present there. I did not like these encounters and thought it was hateful and unfair of them to find pleasure in My pain, as though punishing Me for drawing them int My miserable void.

I hated them. They were cold and harsh. I did not know what else there could be, but I began to have feelings in Myself of other ways; soft and warm, floating, taking more time; gentle encounters, not propelled and bombarding, not hurting.

Then things slowed down too much, without any movement perceptible there. This was equally insufferable; stultifying, compressing, suffocating and just as terrifying and enraging as the other extreme.

Could they not feel anything? I formed the impression that they could not. They are not like Me, I concluded. I hated them. I

only wanted what I liked and did not want relationship the way it was happening to Me; gentle mist, drifting in the void, bombarded, slammed and blown by cold, harsh wnds of unknown source, scattering My mist into nothingness again and again, as though it did not want Me there. I would have to struggle to recover, if I even could. I did not like it any more than it liked Me. It was hatred there.

It felt like I was being annihilated. I imprinted that existence was a struggle and that it was a struggle to hold onto anything I ever was, had or got. I imprinted that something could come from nowhere, without warning, and take it all away and annihilate Me without noticing or caring what happened there, or because it hated Me and wanted to. They imprinted that the environment was hostile because I hated them coming in on Me that way.

I struggled with feelings of wanting to go back out of existence, becauses I hated what was happenng there. After loneliness, came relationship. Hatred was the first imprinted feeling I had about both, because it was not what I wanted.

There was heartbreak. The weight of it took Me down, and I did not know it. I held Myself frozen there so as not to feel the pain of My disappointment. After such an interminable time of longing for something to be there with Me, it had to be this; something I did not like, even hated with a coldness that made Me even more frozen and withdrawn.

I wanted to come forward, like a delicate flower, translucent as My mist, quivering at the nourishing drops of a dew falling upon its petals, but I could not. I did not even know I had petals to come forward. I never got that far before consciousness with drew from Me, as though it did not liked Me, either.

I was frozen and did not respond to it the way it wanted Me to. It was harsh and cold. It had frozen Me, I wanted to say to it there, but I had no voice with which to speak such things. I had no means to express Myself. It had to feel Me, or there was nothing to go on, and it did not. It hated Me, I was sure of that. Otherwise it wouldn't have been so harsh and cold toward Me.

I was imprinting in the photographic mists, lying in darkness to awaken later, when consciousnesss came to Me and touched Me with its light. The way that touch felt was all telling in terms of outcome (sic)

I was the magnetic mist, and consciousness was like radiation bombarding Me. It was unpleasant and seeming to want to blow Me out of existence. I felt blown away every time I had these encounters in the beginning. I had only glimmers of awareness

possible. Then I found Heart there with Me, but Heart did not love Me here, either. Heart was just an angry something, left behind by the particles that could not get free another way and broke loose however possible.

I felt stupid and naive and never wanted to let Myself be open that way again when I felt rejected for reasons I did not understand. I never really opened My Heart again after that and did not know what was wrong when I was accused of beingHeartless.

I was always rejected and blamed. I imprinted that there was only coldness toward the dark, loneliness of My early experience, as though I was making a lot out of nothing, because nothing was all it was.

I could not move past this place without help. I was trapped in it, Myself. I hated needing help and was hated for needing help. He, as it had become to Me now, said that was My fault because I did not like His rage, and He moved away from Me even more then.

He never let Me know anything about Him that I wanted to know. He never let Me know anything about His origins or how it had felt to Him to come into existence. He just always was. I was letting Him know what it had been like for Me. He acted annoyed and disinterested. He hated hearing anything about it.

He gave Me the feeling that I should not be telling Him. It stirred rage in Him for calling Him when He did not want to be called. I gave in to Him for a long time because I was afraid of His rage. Even though it was not moving, I felt it there and felt its hatred. His hatred was turned against Me for not liking My experience in the darkness as a peaceful place without interference from others.

He said He was older than Me and knew better than Me. I did not see how He could be older than Me and not be ready for relationship, as I was. How much loneliness was it going to take before He would be ready to have someone else there? I did not think He could have been there, alone, as long as I was.

When He said He was there already, somewhere else, and didn't want Me there, I hated Him for this. I had no idea I was doing anything there that was right, and He never let Me know that I was . He only complained about Me interrupting His reverie of floating with My feelings and desire for relationship.

He never mentioned the part that had bombarded Me, but He said He was everything, I was apparently nothing, then, to Him, and that was just what I felt He was trying to make Me be. I hated Him for that, and He hated Me and would not admit it. I simmered and smouldered and smoked in dark hatred for Him there. He said

it was My problem and went off to be chirpy and superficial somewhee else, somewhere where He could get away with it because He was believed [sic] by somethng that didn't have the wit to question.

He wanted Me to be independent so that I did not need relationship, only have it when He wanted to. This would then leave Him plenty of free time to drift in His reverie without being interrupted by Me needing Him. I did not want this. I wanted to find relationship that did things together, other than just have sex. This never worked. He always said I interruped Him with My questions and observations that He did not want to hear. He did not like My emotions.

He had a different approach. His reverie was not supposed to have emotions stirring it up; only peace and calm. He avoided a lot this way, and I hated Him for that! He said I was consumed by questions and feelings and that I was not going to get the answers I needed unless I went along in My experience as I was having it now.

I could not let go, or forget, the way He wanted Me to to move along with Him there, and He hated Me for that. I had always My past with Me, no matter what experience I was having, and it became stronger than any other experience the longer it went on like this. No matter what experience we were having, I was always drowning inside of Myself and suffocating in the terror that I could not live. I needed to get free of this and hated Him for not helping Me with it. Sometimes it looked like He was going to help Me, but He only played with My terror in cruel ways.

Who cares what happened to you there! I did not know this was rage talking, because it hated the experience as much as I did and did not want to remember it, let alone ever go back to that place and re-experience anything about it. I thought it was right, light, even God talking there (sic). It certainly was consciousness, and a consciousness that seemed more able to live than I ever was.

I tried to do what it said. I never succeeded, though. It made Me re-experience these horrors I lived with inside Myself over and over, as though shoving Me into it was somehow going to make Me understand it, or hate it as much as it did, and let go of it. It hated Me. as soon as I showed up, it was time to kill Me or get rid of Me any way possible. I was not wanted, and it let Me know that. It let Me know that so many times and in so many ways that I am not sure why I kept going there, except that I could not resist, as though I was suicidal, or something.

It was the light I thought it had. Over and over, like a moth to

a flame, I went to My death at its hands. I did not know it was not God, either; only rage in His place. The gap was not something I knew I was in. It had happened, and I never knew there was another way of life.

I have dreamed of another way and wanted it for so long, but I never knew it was possible, as a reality, to have life the way I wanted it to be. I did not know how to get out of the place I was in. When others told Me there were other ways of living, I never experienced that. Whenever I got thee, It always changed into My own kind of nightmare; if not immediately, soon enough that I had to live with the dread of it happening; forming in the mists around Me and precipitating into horrible firghtening realities I did not want to have.

The mist followed Me wherever I went. Others would say they were fine until I showed up, and then the mist drew round like a shroud and changed things as if in the night. I felt even more unwelcome then, as if there was no place I could go and no place I should go because of what was going to happen when I got there. What I wanted left Me and what I didn't want stayed until it killed Me. I got another start and repeated it again.

I was imprinted with hatred toward relationship and that it would be unpleasant from My very first encounters, before atoms had even formed yet. We were splitting apart more than we were forming bonds of relationship and being stuck together by forces We did not understand whether We wanted to be, or not. I was left with only the dream that it could be otherwise if the approach was right. If something looked like the right approach, it triggered a dream-like quality in Me of fantasies coming true. I was fooled over and over, they all degenerated rather quickly into the same thing, until now the only option for Me is to heal the gap that needs to be healed there.

This is the gap where rage and hatred were born. We could have been companions, but We went to war instead. Hatred is older than love, and only because it was not helped to become love did it remain as hatred on My side. What about your side?

This has been told over and over, and yet, how really major it was cannot be told in words very easily. Can you see how everything that has troubled the male-female relationship, and everything else, was there? Can you look back that far and feel that deep in order to move this? Do you want to?

MY LIGHT SPEAKS

I hesitate to tell My own point of view because it was not the same as others, but I need to move along with it, nonetheless. I moved past Heart and Body on more than one occassion. I hated Them for not moving along with Me in the ways I wanted to move there. To Me, They were know-nothings who had Their own agenda and wouldn't listen to anyone else. They were either aligned or opposed according to whether They agreed or disagreed on any given issue.

I thought it was not possible to get anything accomplished without alignment and did not like it that They were so vacillating in the name of freedom. I thought it was a lack of commitment to One another, and so Heart presence was not there strong enough to hold it together. It wasn't a matter of love to Me there, it was a matter of getting the job done, and the job at hand there was creating what We wanted to have in Our lives, since it appeared We now had lives.

They got angry over anything and left Me there with no movement toward Me for a long time, as though They did not need Me or even see any reason why I was there or needed to be there. I was hurt by this, but rage never moved about it. Instead, I gave Them nothing in return.They gave Me nothing, and We had long periods of nothing between Us.

I did not know We were coming together in the gap and making a Creation of war and strife, based on unquestioned impressions, without Our consciousness there to help, because Our denied rage was going after the Ones it wanted to give the rage to. Everyone was involved in this, not just my light.

The Mother also had Her own forces there, but they were less powerful than Ours and usually lost in battle. This is why We never minded going off into battle. We always thought we were going to win, even if We lost some people along the way. It didn't matter to Us. We didn't feel it that way because We had not grown to love One another in the first place.

We had given One another the gap only, in Our rage, and hated the results without knowing where they had come from. We hated war openly and gave people on Earth most of the blame for having wars.

God never came forward in any church sermons and said, "I caused these wars by not moving my rage."

It has been so long another version that many people cannot

believe it's God if I say it now, but those of you in the gap are hoping my light is involved so I can help you now, and you are not wrong.

I have moved this old rage already, but I have lost Will that needs to move along with Me on this. Because I have moved already, I know how it is going to heal. I have the visionary overview that Heart and Body originally did not like, because it made Them feel like They were being told what to do, but I want to move along with Them in another way now and have Them feel the rightness of this.

They have a lot of rage to move around being told what to do and not liking input from others who might know something, They do not already know. I had a lot of rage to move around Them not listening to Me and then crying out in blame for Me when it was not the way They wanted it to be.

I hated that blame, because I had just as much toward Them. How dare They run past Me, consciousness, of all things, that gave Them the ability to know They even could run! I have raged and raged at Them for this, because They did not move along with Me. I had a plan, and They did not listen.

They moved past Me without conscious understanding of what They were doing or of what was causing Them to do it. I am having to come back now, so much later, and try to fix the mess They created originally. I have more rage to move in the lost Will that Spirit is the only One who knew and no One listeneld, not even the Mother, who could not seem to get a hold of Her emotions long enough to listen to reason.

I have moved past this position already, but I know there are others out there who have not and who need to move this rage to move along with Me because they are a part of My light also, albeit a long lost part. Most of them are dangerous in the small realms where they still have their power because they moved out of Me, holding the position I no longer hold there, believing no one listens to them and they are the only ones that know anything. They are not happy people, usually and are not raging, either. They coldly hold it within themselves and make moves goverened by this outlook.

They have to come back to Me, but it is not going to be easy to get them back after so long a time of being out there, holding a position that turned them even against Me, because they thought I was being too soft on the others when I did not come straightforward with how I felt there at the time. Feelings have not been moving in them, either, I notice, because they did not think they had to move feelings, only make reality the way they wanted it.

Holding emotions did not seem to be a problem for Me there, either. I just gave them some time, and they left Me. Where they went, I did not know. They were not with Me anymore, and that was all I noticed at the time.

Giving it more time was necessary in the beginning, but it needed to be filled in with things that were not happening there. There needed to be emotions moving and body sensations having the experience of getting accepted there. Acceptance, a little at a time, of My physicality would have helped Me to understand what was happening there. As it was, there was so much happening all at once that I coudln't make sense of it, and My light's position was to pull back and try to make sense of it, rather than have the experience and try to understand it that way.

This was because of My orientation. I did not understand what experience had to offer Me there. My light, in other words, did not know that physicality had things to teach Me, only that I had things to teach Him. He resented Me for this and did not let Me teach Him anything, because He was not moving His rage.

He feared Me, too, and did not let that show because He did not want to appear weaker than Me. He did not trust Me to value Him enough to give Him the place He wanted to have there. When He began posturing as though He wanted to overpower Me, I did not trust hIm, either.

So quickly that He barely felt He had any, He moved past His fears into a rage that judged Me just as quickly. He had My light in Him already and was not giving it back, and so I could barely move faster than He could in these ways and not as fast as He could

p.149

physically. He judged Himself to be faster than Me and viewed My slowness there as resistance to Him and resistance to joining Him in physicality.

He had no space for My light's need to go slower with physicality, and I suddenly did not look fast in consciousness to Him, either. He felt like a problem to My reverie, more than the Will even, and when He moved past Me, I was sure I no longer wanted Him near Me anyway. He had become too turbulent and was stirring Me in ways that lacked the quietude I had so been enjoying.

My light holding back and hovering outside of Body had an alignment with Him there that I was not admitting to. I did not like Him there, and so I did not enter into Him fully, but if I did not have some involvement, I would not have been hovering so nearby. I was watching what He had in mind very closely. I did not think it was loving, but I also had some outlook in Myself that was similar to His in that I had parts of Me that did not want to involve anyone else in what I was doing, either. I hated to think that it [sic] might not agree with Me and make limits that I didn't want to have there.

I did not notice My light pulling back there, but I did. I was frightened of His passion, ardor and sudden increase in intensity, and so was the female, in My opinion. It all seemed so sudden. We had had no time to get to know One another or ease into this thing at all.

He was a boor in My sight, and I did not like it that the Will appeared to be interested in Him . What felt so good to Her about Him was My light. She did not recognize it, and He was not crediting Me. He was stealing My place already and not being honest about how He got there. I hated Him for that and shoved it into lost Will immediately, because hatred was not love or the feeling I wanted to have in My reverie.

He wanted to move so quickly into sex, and I was not sure how this felt to Me, to get so suddenly physically intense after so long a time of only finding pleasure in freely drifting with no focus or sudden, intense passion such as this. I wanted to go more slowly and ease into it a little at a time. He felt driven up immediately and not willing to hold back for anyone, especially not Me.

He was raging with a frustration of held back sexual energy, and at the same time He was screaming about held back sexual energy, He was moving toward having more and more sex all the time. I did not realize this iimmediately, but I came to understand that since He had literally moved past My light without gaining an alignment with Me,He could never be satisfied.

I delighted in this for a long time as His punishment for moving past Me and as what he deserved for His behavior. This manifested as many diseases, too, and I did not help heal them. If any of His partners, and there were soon many, got the diseases, well, they deserved it for going along with Him and allowing Him to tear them apart in His rage instead of staying with Me.

I had blame for Him for a long time. It did not seem possible that I could have withheld My light. It looked to Me like He had shortchanged Me while I had not reciprocated. I had not shortchanged Him, so I was more loving than He was, or so I thought for a long time, but I had not given Him My loving light. I had given Him denied light full of judgment, sexual curiosity and prurient interest in this.

I had given Him My fear, too, that He was wrong and My light did not accept Him or approve of Him there. I did not notice My light raging at Him in the gap as other than justified for what He had done to Me. I did not know the origin of My rage. For a long time, He just looked like a pervert to Me who had repeatedly pushed past My light and given the Will more painful reproductive experiences than she needed, given Her delicate state.
[I just now heard again Shlomo Bar's famous cynical song: "yeladim zae simkhah" - it's a joy to have children.]

When the Will appeared to like it, I hated the Will for giving Her sexual interests priority over Her delicate condition, Her pain and all of the other things She complained to Me about when We had private moments together, which were not often compared to how often Body dragged Her into the scenes He wanted to have. Had She only pretended to My light that She did not like what was happening to Her?

It looked perverse and more and more twisted to Me. What I thought would take form like delicate, colorful flowers was now bestial, hairy and dripping with things I did not like the looks or smell of compared to what I thought was going to happen there. I was grossed out by what was happenng there and did not like the reflection that I had given sex a bad name by pulling back, disapproving and saying it was wrong. I had no idea it was going to be like that.

I split with Him there by holding My position that I was only being cautious, taking My time and trying to understand first. He did not like My light's position there but did not give His own position. He only condemned Mine. This did not help Me understand what He felt was wrong with Me and my approach. I was just moving a little slower than He was, that was all, until His urgency suddenly pushed past Me and I found Myself floating out

from Body into space.

When I noticed that even the ones who had tried to stay with Me could not hold themselves back sexually, either, and gave in to Him from time to time, I thought they were all a sinful lot, and I had many raging fantasies about what was going to happen to them then. They were often mutilated and burned as witches until most of them now innately feel that they had better not open up to sexual feelings or there is going to be a problem coming from somewhere. This is something that needs rage movement first and then other feelings need noticing there.

He gave Me no place of My own from which I could come from My own point of view. He gave Me the impression that My light did not understand His physical drives, was holding Him back and had labeled Him wrong and judged Him already. A huge split, or gap, developed between Us. Before We had time to understand more, it had gone past the place of feeling healable. My rage was immense, and later, so was My fear of impotence when He did not embody Me in those places.

He decided to attack Me and give Me no place. If there was only going to be one place, then He was going to be the One to fill it. He hesitated to attack Me openly, though, so it went into the gap. The gap between Our open presentation and the rest of Our agenda was getting larger and larger and becoming filled with more and more pieces of Ourselves that We did not want to come to light. How far into the gap it went depended upon how much hatred and how little love was there.

When He attacked Me, I began to defend Myself by hiding behind His body presence in places, trying to pull strings and manipulate His consciousness to lean (sic) in certain ways that were not against Me. I usually did this by pointing out other participants and saying it was Their fault, really. We hated these places in Ourselves and did not move love into them for a long time.

Not very mature sounding, I know, but I was not very mature then. I have learned a lot, and My feeling now is that I want to move along to help others with what I know. Whether others can receive Me or not depends on movement of the old charge about being told anthing by Me that they do not already know.

There are many out there who claim to be channeling Me, but they have had nothing new to say for so long that I must not be evolving, which I know is not true. They have old imprinting that says I had to know everything already or I wasn't fit to be God. It's absurd if you think about it, but consciousness has not been able to

say much about how the mind pretends to think. Openness in the body to receive Me has not been much since Body split off and went past Me so long ago.

He hated Me for many reasons, but holding Him back was the main one. He felt holding Him back any longer was not right since He had been there for so long already, unable to move. He forgot that He was there as My light. He had form, yes, in that my light had form as light, but as He developed more Body consciousness that could move, He began to see Himself as something separate from what He had started out as.

As Body that could move the way He wanted to move then, He was not there that long before He went past Me with an angry judgment that I was holding back, trying to hold Him back and was not going to accept his presence as an equal to My own. I wasn't either, because I did ot like His separatist ideas and the way He was treating Me there, as if there was suddenly no integration between Us anymore.

He began to fear that I had separatist ideas of My own, separating myself from what I didn't like about Him and making Myself appear to be better than Him. He imprinted this in response to My slowness in accepting His new awareness but did not notice how much of Me was with Him already. He took that for granted and interpreted that as His own light now.

His rage did not move. His rage moved past Me, out ahead, and this split between Body and Spirit is all that is known on Earth. He left his grief and terror behind in so doing and His heart, too. He felt there was no place for Him that He wanted to have and His rage was going to make a place and get there first, before I too it from Him.

I found him insufferable in this position and so did not move to help Him have it. Thus,Iwas seen as holding back and not moving to empower Him with My light. This was not right on My part, because it gave Him the opportunity to imprint without My input there, but I was busy with My own unmoved rage telling Me I did not care what He did out there, as long as I protected My space and kept Him out of it.

I blamed emotions then as the reason we did not move past Our positions there. I felt that emotions were self-centered and couldn't see, or didn't care about, the bigger picture they were messing up. I hated the Mother for everything that was not right then, because it all looked like it was not right because of emotions that had gotten in the way. I did not blame Her in the form of the

Mother yet, though. I didn't even know We had a presence in that form yet. But by the time I met Her, I was already iprinted against Her.

She had no chance with Me from the beginning, because I had no openness to receive Her any more than the rest. No one was going to tell Me anything in My unmoving rage. This rage was held back more than anything else because I had the least acceptance for it. Next, terror was held back because rage terrified Me and then heartbreak, or grief, because it felt nothing was working out the way I wanted it to, and i couldn't stand looking at that.

Because I thought rage was first, ragehad accorded itself the parental position without My even knowing it. This was further bolstered by the imprint that it was the only one that knew anything and no one else did. It hated Me for not letting it have free rein and hated My other emotions for not getting out of its way and letting it happen the way it was meant to. This is rage's imprinting, and it has not moved much since it broke loose and got out there without Me.

It has to move now in more ways than one, and off of Earth is not wrong in terms of the form it has had for so long. It cannot move off Earth in terms of all the essence held there, because that would not be right place. So, getting this rage moving is going to mean a lot of essence coming in that you are going to need to balance in yourselves. Not moving past it is a major exercise in geting it moving. Rage has not liked emotional movement, because it has imprinting that this is not the right approach to take. Only the rage that is not going to move now needs to move to another planet to work this out because it needs more time.

Trapped by its own imprinting that says it is the only one who knows anything, it has to be its own idea that it should move. Being pointed out by others does not make it feel like cooperating there. It has to go away and move in private so that it does not even have to admit that it is moving at first. It has fear underneath that it might have to get off of its old position if it moves very much of this rage, which runs it into a circle, back to its old imprinting that says it can't be wrong and so on.

Many times, this rage has preferred to discredit the input rather than risk feeling it might be exposed as wrong. It has had little conscious mind there to help it understand that it is not a matter of right and wrong anymore. It has been so defensive that it has been sifting all input according to whether it thinks it is going to come out looking right or wrong in the end instead of looking at the input.

I had nowhere to go with My rage except outside of My love at the time, and rage has never felt included in My light because of that. I had a feeling at the time that love did not include rage. I did not think it included terror or grief, either, really, but I let it in more than I did rage. My light is not empowering rage in a state of denial by denying it anymore. It has to come in. It is only a matter of time.

It is right time to move into the nuances of emotion and find out what has been overlooked there. Whatever Our imprinting has been, we took it in and know what it is, and so, who else can take responsibility for it but Us. It is not a question anymore of who was victimized more than the next person. All of that needs to move as it needs to move.

The next step is to notice that interpretation played a large role in making assumptions and judgments. These interpretations, assumptions and judgments have been reality, and for the most part, no one questioned this.

The problems that arose from this arose mostly from not realizing that what we were going on was not all there was to the situation and was mostly just what We interpreted the situation to be according to what we knew of Ourselves, which was not much.

We viewed One another as limiting to Our own ideas of how We wanted it to be. So early we hated limits that it made my think it was not new there and that We had hated the void as limiting Us to nothingness, and that instead of moving Our fear around Our own feeling of powerlessness and insignificance there, we gained Our existence by moving past that fear into a rage that wrested [sic] past all of those feelings of being limited and held back, of not knowing and of fearing what the darkness might hold, into forward thrusting movement and light, intolerant of any limits.

Going on what we had to go on was not the wrong approach as long as we moved along to find out what else there was. In most cases this did not happen, however, because of the distrust that arose immediately upon contacting something We did not like. Distrust, as a form of fear, grew into hatred and even rage and terror the longer it went on without getting any help understanding itself.

This has not moved. There has been too much terror here that if We cannot or do not know what reality really is, we cannot know what to do or how to handle Ourselves. This terror has to be faced to notice how much of an opening this left for the "voice of authority" to step in and say that it did know. Conformity has been another way to avoid terror because, "We cannot be wrong if We're all doing it."

It is necessary to notice more than what has been noticed. It is necessary to notice that under the reactionary anger and blame toward others and all the charges in it that say it is because of them that We are not alright the way We are and not enough, and that it is because of the voice that is oppressing Us that We cannot do better, there is a fear in Us that all of this might be true and that instead of being able to battle it out there, we're going to have to face it within.

It is not possible to move past living the repetition of your imprinting without making changes in the actual imprinting itself. No matter how hard you try, it only repeats. This is because nothing has had more power than the subconscious on Earth. It has had the most presence in the essence and the most mass in the brain. This imprinting does not lead to survival in the end, only temporarily, even if it has appeared to be a very long temporarily.

Once your Original Cause imprints, and how they were put into place, are known to you, you do not have to move along those paths anymore unless you want to, but it is necessary to move the emotion that has held this in place as the way it is, the way it has to be and always will be. This imprinting has been very resistant and defensive in the past. I hope it will not be this time.


The healing of the gap is what I see in My vision of love, and I hope that you want to see yourself there with Me. Until Indigo reveals itself,

                     Selah