InteGRATion into GRATeFULLness
Singing&Sounding keeps me Sound

For you shall go out with joy

2007_06_05 Since I was always singing - wrongly - "and with joy" instead of "therefore with joy", I discovered "too late", that I had inserted this song already on March 16 that time with an old recording I think it is significant, that it is exactly this song of joy to which 2 days of SongGame are dedicated!

lyrics: Bible, Isaiah 55:12

tune: Christa-Rachel Bat-Adam June 28, 1992

For you shall go out with joy [not in panic as on your Exodus - Js 52,12] and be led (back) in shalom Hills and mountains shout-out in jubilation before you and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands and all the shrubs of the desert shall clap their hands. [Isaiah 55,12. Last line: my addition]

to former song to next song

On August 15, 2010 - around 8 AM - I was born, 72 years ago.
See my focus on this year's birthday

The first work we did together on this day, Mika and I, was a painting on a real canvas:

Immanuel had come back from flight and now prepares the birthday cake

If it would have been my choice, I would have returned to Arad in the morning, as I use to do, when Immanuel comes home from a long flight. But this time Efrat, my dear, dear daughter-in-love, had asked me to stay. "We want to have a little, intimate birthday celebration!" And, indeed, the intimacy came into wondrous being: There were only my three children, and Efrat and Mika. Has such a togetherness with Immanuel and Ronnit and Micha ever happened since the early eighties? I remember the exhilarating togetherness with all my 16 "actors" - on my 70th birthday, also organized by Efrat. But this intimacy was a need for me! And not only because my daughter is - cautiously, but awarely - inviting me back into her life. Very soon a topic governed the togetherness: the Jewish-Christian-German saga of the Franz Rosenzweig-Gritli Rosenstock love-story. How come? Someone saw me pour water into my glass of wine and was shocked. So I humerously quoted and translated a rhyme, which the German poet Goethe (known to them) had made when people at a pub mocked him: "Wasser allein macht stumm, [water alone makes mute] das beweisen im Teiche die Fische, [as proven by the fish in the pond] Wein allein macht dumm, [wine alone makes dumb] das beweisen die Herren am Tische, [as proven by the gentlemen around the table] weil ich nun keines von beiden will sein, [since I do not want to be either] trinke ich Wasser vermischt mit Wein". [I drink water mixed with wine] It was - in this "German context", that Efrat felt driven, to tell them, how their mother was robbed of her authorship: My two Franz Rosenzweig books appear under the name of my dead ex-husband's third wife: "Ursula Rosenzweig". And from then on Ronnit dragged us into her desire - to understand more about that mysterious love-story,

A few flashbacks:

1968 - on our lawn at Ramat-Hadar

1970- on our veranda at Ramat-Hadar

A page in a very old folder: each of us are individuals, more than "mother", "children", "siblings"...

In the early eighties - on the veranda of our rented flat in the town Ramat-Gan

And now - at Shoham - 2010!

I had decided, that on this so special occasion,
which delighted and scared me at the same time,
I would not make any picture.
But there I was! Efrat took over,
without any hint or even wish on my part,
and except for some photos taken by Mika,
all photos are hers.

Mika's gradually growing creation for my birthday:
about "The Lost Diamonds, found by Abba, Imma, Mika, Savta and Tomer"...

Mika draws a picture of the situation:
In profile: Imma (to the right), Savta (to her left), and in the center - tall, colored and in frontal position - Ronnit .
Above: the lamps, which are inserted in the ceiling (hated and doomed by Efrat)
to the right: the sofa, but without Abba and Micha.

Mika documents that her mother is not only the organizer, communicator, photographer, but also amidst our circle

Mika draws 2 pictures of a whale ("Leviathan" in Hebrew), and shows them to Imma and to Ronnit. The chain in Efrat's hand had been hung around Abba's neck by Mika..

How did Mika get my hand into the picture and what does this gesture say?????

A series of photos, which all show the same scene of interaction. But I delight in the little differences: faces, hands, knees, shoes...

This photo for sure was taken by Efrat, since Mika can be seen among us , though in a strange position.
I want to quote again her judgment about "God"
concerning the conflict between Egyptian slave-masters and Hebrew slaves 3250 years ago:

"Instead of enwrapping them in waves,
God should have converted them into friends"

When I told the story on this night, in Mika's presence, either Micha or Ronnit said:
"There you have someone who continues your way !" (hinneh lakh mamshikhah!)

They remembered the "Ideology of Partnership": to turn adversaries into partners,
based on the ancient Jewish saying:
"Who is a hero? the one that turns his enemies into his friends!"
which is quoted also in the popular song about "We are the children of winter Seventy-Three!"
"You promised to do your utmost for us - To transform enemies into friends. "

This is me on my 72th birthday, profile (confronted by my childen) and front (confronting myself in the new mirror of my room )

I received some great congratulation, both by phone and by e-mail. The best of all , of course, came from Ya'acov, my peer-brother: "I want you to reach a NEW EDGE this year!" [see his blessing, inserted next to the image of the Merkabah , on my last birthday] Two very moving blessings were sent by e-mail, from my grandchildren Yael and Itamar! though we had met at Ayelet's celebration the day before! On the evening with my children, - just when they were about to leave, there came a phonecall, which - as now always - was taken up by Mika: "I am Mika, who are you?" When after about 20 seconds I saw Mika stuck, I took the phone myself. It was from Elinor and Herbert, with whom I had spent 4 days in France, They, of course, couldn't understand Mika nor could she understand them! During our 3 visits in Chartres we met 2 artists from Germany, Rita Deschler and Richard Schindler, who were copying the maze in the cathedral for re-creating it at the German-French school at Freiburg. What a surprise, that they , too, sent me a congratulation by mail. Another phone-call, - was it during dinner? - had come from Arad: Meital, my land-lady, and her children sang "Happy Birthday"... "How did you know? " "From Facebook" was her answer, It was through Facebook, that other people congratulated me, for instance Rotem Malenki, the photographer of The Walk about Love 2009!

This evening with my children at Shoham was completed by the weekend with two of my starchildren at Arad, on Aug. 20-21, 2010.
It was ... Can I ever tell about the sunshine, rain and hail, - not between us, but in how each of us, Lior and me, staged our dramas,
and how Boris during the two evenings he spent with us, acted as a supporting, soothing, consoling friend for both of us?
I had - beforehand - voiced a completely different desire! I wanted them to study with me the still vague focus of my birthday.
But... : Know exactly what you want
Communicate clearly what you want
And then get out, get out of the way,
and let happen, let happen what may!

Aug. 22, 2010

What Lior had to cope with, was the seeming end of a love.
What I had to cope with, was my uncontrollable need
of flooding the few friends, I've chosen for this period of my life,
with the spillover of my soul, my knowledge, my experience,....
in short : my stories !
[See 2006 page: "My Being Too Much" (in Hebrew: "ha-godesh shaeli")


The staging of sayings and incidents and coincidences was such,
that my shame and the fear of my shame, the shame to flood them,
reached a peak and a pit of utmost vulnerability and powerlessness.
I haven't cried so much in a year,
[I cried also when we had a "time-out", watching the movie "Pocahontas" on the Internet.
Lior already last time had advised me to show this to Mika - even if only on the computer.
When I suggested it to Mika 2 days later, she refused. Perhaps because of the computer,
perhaps because she too begins to react "allergicly" to my questioning and explaining]

I no longer have "the Tear" around my neck as on my last birthday:
my grandmothers amethyst moving within a golden heart
got lost somewhere/some time on my way back from Ireland..
But on this post-birthday I could cry real and copious tears
and come to a new, shaking understanding:
that my feelings of shame and fear of shame show me a way:
to have a serious look at my belief about needing to be AVAILABLE.
"Don't initiate, be available" - 'al tizmi, hayee zminah '
[see the singsong in the composition "and yet another lesson"]-
has been my pun and slogan for so many years.
I had learnt, that it was not by action that I could fulfill my vocation
of healing myself into wholeness and - by extension - all of Creation.
I learnt,
that my racing initiatives were overwhelming , yes hindering people.
So I let go of initiatives and confined myself to being available,
and also: not for everyone as before,
but only for my 16 family-members, my 9 starchildren and a few friends.
Yet with regard to those my availability so far has not known any limits.


My availability for my family at Shoham is still absolute...
But there are at least two defined recent experiences,
which I obviously "staged" in my drama, in order to change:
- with Tomer at the Kinneret
and - in a totally different way - with my hosting - for instance-
Lior or my granddaughter Rotem on long weekends in my home,
Long hours with "people" tempt me to flood them with my "stories"
and to feel almost constant shame and fear of shame,
rarely the shame of exposing too much of my inner life and being,
but shame "of being too much".
[Once again: see the page: "My Being Too Much"]

This now has shown me,
that this over-availability is a belief, a judgment, which "may be wrong after all"...

One way to cope was, to bear and breathe the shame.
But now it seems to me,
that I must be more in hiding even from my closest co-actors...
[See the dialogue with deity in "Hidden in your Face" >Diary Quotes about the problematics of Hiding]:


And both Boris and Lior encouraged me to love myself more,
and to find technical solutions for both - hosting whom I want to host,
but in a way, that direct encounters will be limited to defined periods of hours.

How close am I to this song, created during the Walk about Love 2009

A traditional Translation of Psalm 56 Thou has counted my wanderings put Thou my tears into Thy bottle are they not in Thy book?

Martin Buber tried to express the pun between nodi =-my wandering, and noôdi = my water-leather-bag : Selber zaehlst du mein Schleichen- in deinen Schlauch tu meine Traene, ist nicht in deiner Zaehlung auch sie?