hodayot [thanksgivings] for today

9:19
I, Christa-Rachel Maryam Bat-Adam
give thanks
with all my Body [today, August 16, without the tiniest pain]
with all my feelings, my "Desire", my "Will"
with all my consciousness, my awareness, my "Spirit"
with all my whole-healed "Heart", which manifests God

for the marvelous, miraculous victory over my death-wish,
for the   2 6 2 6 8   days   and   nights

which I lived and often suffered
in order to lovingly do what I came here to do.

I give thanks to all those - in this world and Beyond -
who assisted me, supported me, guided me,
saved me again and again.
I still cannot say
that I am grate-full for having chosen Life on this planet,
but more than during any of those 26267 days I can say,
that I wholly and forever ! accept that choice and that I k n o w :
it will not take longer that 7 years
until I'll be able to also thank for it.

The little mother

Finetuning to my Present

8:29
Between the date of my birthday yesterday
and the expected exciting celebration today,
I want to finetune to the "small" interactions with Mika and with Tomer.

Mika's sweetness - 3 times!
There was a long conversation on the veranda, initiated by Efrat
(among other themes : about the "dire" prospects of Arnon,
who does not only have the genes of his grandmother,
but "takes you as a role-model
and which is reinforced by the burden you yourself put on him
when you had to cancel the RedSeaJourney for Yael's Bat-Mitzvah")

Then Imma gets a phonecall and Grandma can turn to Mika,
who has been nicely playing around us or on Imma's lap, getting tired
"Isn't it time to sleep?" she asks!
"No, we haven't yet made Kabbalat-Shabbat nor eaten".

So while Imma is talking on the phone, I take Mika up: "let's go outside",
meaning the lawn and there, at the end of it, in the neighbor's garden,
a pretty pond with the leaves of sea-roses, various fish,
and several fountains from small rocks and the mouth of a big stone turtle.
I place her on the wall which reaches my shoulders,
and let her hold on to the metal fence, while supporting her.
Not far - on the veranda of these neighbors - a big table
with a big family around it having dinner, but this doesn't bother Mika,
nor do they seem to be bothered by Mika's ongoing spoken observations.
Then we let Nella in through the back-gate , walk on the small tiles,
which Immanuel had gotten hold of
(I told how the previous big ones were stolen and my part in that!)
and with which he had - with Tomer - started
to pave the back entrance to the laundry spot.
There Mika discovered a ball in the size of a football, but light,
and after we had put "crocks" on her feet,
since at night Imma doesn't allow Mika to walk barefoot on the lawn
(she bewares of demanding this from Grandma though!) ,
we started to play football against the wall of the house.
Since she insisted in putting her right hand into my left hand,
she was a bit imbalanced when kicking and often fell backward on the lawn
- to her greatest delight.....
She returned to the house completely "high",
and nobody thought of hurrying to dinner and putting her to sleep.

The second time of grace was,
when we all had finished dinner.
A lively discussion arose between Tomer and Efrat about racism in Israel, spurned by signs of Tomer's own racism
and by his questions about Levi's name,
which he had changed years ago from the popular Moroccan name Aberjil into a Hebrew name Bar-Gil - son of rejoicing.
Mika , who already listens to the chatting of grownups,
but only for a certain time,
had sat to my right during dinner and now started to move left,
very gradually, with fun, until she was so close to my body, that she said:
"let me sit on you",
something which I don't remember having heard before
from this touch-cautious little human.

While she sat on my lap,
I let her play with spoon and fork in the leftover sauce in the big salad bowl,
taking care, that she didn't sprinkle the fluid around,
and after this activity had been exhausted , she asked
- again in such a charming way, that it cannot be put in words at all
- if she could sit on her small seat, which she discerned next to my feet.

While I let her down & she enjoyed seating herself in the chair like a queen,
she had new ideas: "let's bring toys and a 'sippur'!"
So far she refuses to use the word 'book', and prefers the word 'story'!
I didn't want to disrupt the circle around the table and suggested,
that she go herself and bring what she wanted,
though I should have known, that she would be scared to "go alone that far".

She seemed to have no problem, got up, but only to approach her mother:
"will you help me to get a sippur?"
And Imma, of course, interrupted her talk and said:
"Yes, of course".
So now I was ashamed and said - faking humor -
"I asked her to bring it herself!"
"Well, how could I know what you two were talking
and anyway it's dark in her room."
Luckily the interaction between Tomer, his father and stepmother continued,
and Mika , the queen in her round little chair,
started to press the 10 sound-buttons on the edge of her big book
and sing one song after the other,
often pressing another button, before one song was finished,
laughing when I explained again and again,
that only one button at the time would work & only until the end of the song.

Third:
At some time the other three left the table,
- Efrat needs to smoke and never does this in the house
(there is also an agreement with Bne-Arazim,
that she, and only she, would give Tomer 4 cigarettes a day,
which he could either smoke at once or in intervals chosen by himself,
but that he would smoke them not around the family.)
I don't know how the new excitement for Mika got started,
but I see myself holding her against the window
and teaching her how to move aside - and together again -
the two window panes and the two insect-screens behind it.
It was great fun technically - as Mika is so keen on -
but also a chance to see the almost full moon (Mika calls it "round").
When she said: "again", and yet "again",
I said: "Don't you get fed up?" (lo nim'as lakh?)
No, at least not yet.
Only after she had fully grasped the opening and closing
and had understood,
that in order to accomplish what she still couldn't do without my help,
she needed more physical strength in her fingers,
she wanted to go to Imma, who sat on the veranda with Immanuel.
So she led me to Imma, - not the short way through the veranda door,
but the long way through the entrance door,
which meant, that on the lawn I had to take her up like a "flour-sack",
since she again was without shoes (as was I).
Now when there were the four of us on the veranda,
Efrat returned to her worries about Tomer
- and I, at first, fell into the trap of not only reinforcing her worry,
but of talking "about" my youngest son and his family,
as well as feeling guilty for what I see as my "bequeathal":
Micha's and Arnon's denial in general, and self-denial in particular,
though it's far from the self-victimisation I was "staging" most of my life.
This judgmental talking wasn't a way of fulfilling yesterday's intentions at all...

In the meanwhile Tomer came with the Sheshbesh Game.
"Baba!", he said, in the Arab or Moroccan way, instead of Abba,
and father and son began to play together.
After I short time I suddenly became aware,
that I could indeed retreat and go to sleep
(Like with leaving the meat which I couldn't chew on the plate
- it still needs a strong push of awareness,
to allow myself to do what I need,
- there is always the unconscious fear,
that my leaving the table - or leaving food on the plate -
will upset somebody...
see the terrible lesson I attracted from Tomer the following week...)

When I said: "I'll go to sleep, good night",
Efrat realized that it was 11 PM and Mika still not in bed...
But Mika had a jet-lag - they returned from NY only yesterday morning
and then she went right from the airport into kindergarden.
The long video recordings from New York,
which Immanuel had let us seen after Levi's family had left
(and only I did not get up, when I wanted to,
and wouldn't dare to say like Tomer: "show me this, after you'll have edited it", and walk away),
let us see many excellent scenes.
One - "Mika seating herself on the feet of a stone lioness"
I pointed this out to Efrat, when she reported to have talked "like a lioness",
when the people of Bne-Arazim came with their "template" demand,
to not send Tomer to a boarding school, but to keep him at home.

As a summary, now the next morning at 8:29
(before having sculpted today's altar!) I would say,
that I was quite often aware of "having died" to my "righteousness".
Only once I - automatically! - uttered a phrase of defense
(when Immanuel started to show the video,
I checked, if the sun was already down enough to let the shudders slide up,
but when I saw, that no, it wasn't yet time,
I let them slide back to exactly the previous place,
and still Immanuel sometime later found a pretext to tell me:
"It's because you opened the shudders!"
" No , I only....."
- It's exactly these tiny usually unnoticed mutual triggerings,
which I want to pay attention to.
It was an example of feeling "distorted" or "defamed" and defending myself,
in other words: my righteousness has not yet died completely!




More serious - and a new aspect of the same -
was that "blame" of Efrat:
"you, you are making it very difficult for Arnon ... "
The "defamation" , so often heard among couples:
"s/he is just like you", i.e. the fact, yes the fact, that
- according to "Family Constellation",
and according to the ten Commandments
I am responsible for the consequences of my "sins" in my offsprings.
Only that nobody understands the consequences of "goodness",
of all the "wonderful" qualities
(see the blessings of Dvorah Silberstein yesterday)
which Arnon "inherited" from me,
as "SINS"....

Tomer's teaching and learning with Grandma

Burning Rope, Genesis

The warming sun, the cooling rain,
The snowflake drifting on the breath of the breeze,
The lightning bolt that frees the sky for you
Yet only eagles seem to pass on through.
The words of love, the cries of hate,
And the man in the moon who seduced you
Then finally loosed you.

You climbed upon a burning rope to escape the mob below,
But you had put the flaming out so that others could now follow,
To be out of the bounds and the barks of those who do not wish you well.

You must blaze a trail of your own, unknown, alone,
But keep in mind
Don't live today for tomorrow like you were immortal.
The only survivors on this world of ours are
The warming sun, the cooling rain,
The snowflake drifting on the breath of the breeze,
The lightning bolt that frees the sky for you
Yet only eagles seem to pass on through.
The words of love, the cries of hate,
And the man in the moon who seduced you
Then finally loosed you.

You're old and disillusioned now as you realise at last,
That all you have accomplished here will have soon all turned to dust.
You dream of a future after life, well that's as maybe, I don't know.
But you can't take what you left behind, you're all alone.
So keep in mind
Don't live today for tomorrow like you were immortal.
The only survivors .....

CRASS Band: "So What": [lyrics] [video with images, of which I insert two]

They ask me why I'm hateful, why I'm bad.
They tell me I got things they never had.
They tell me go to church and see the light.
Cos the good lord's always right.

So what, so what.
So what if Jesus died on the cross.
So what about the fucker, I don't give a toss.
So what if the master walked on the water.
I don't see him trying to stop the slaughter.
They say I wouldn't have to live from bins.
If I would go along, confess my sins.
They say I shouldn't commit no crime.
Cos Jesus Christ is watching all the time.

So what, so what.
So what if he's always over my shoulder.
I realise the truth as I get older.
I get to see what a con it is.
Because it's my life, mine not his.
Well, they say they're going to send me away.
Said they're going to make me pay.
We're sorry but you got to go.
But you were naughty, you said "No".

So what, so what.
So what if I see through the lies.
So what if the people I despise
Twist my arm and make me work,
I'm no deaf, no fucking jerk.
I'm no spastic lying in the street.
I'm no superstar elite.
I'm just a person, a human being.
NO YOU'RE NOT, YOU'RE A PART OF THE MACHINE.
You're a part our machine because we want you to be.
We've got you now and you'll never be free.
We can even have your body after you're dead.
We can take the eyes out of your fucking head.
Yes we'll take them out, use them again.
We can do it you know cos we've got your brain.
We'll crucify you like we crucified him.
We'll make you obey our every whim.
We got the power, the power and the glory.
I've heard that before in a different story.
But the story I heard covered up the truth,
Didn't touch on the actual factual proof.
Didn't say about the bodies in the concentration camps,
Didn't say about the (surgeons) knives underneath the lamps,
Doesn't say that the ovens are still warm,
Doesn't say that this wretched little form
Is a human being who wants to live
But not in the snot and shit they give.

They say that I had better keep quiet
Or they're gonna douse my light.
Jesus Christ can save my life,
But I can always use my knife.
So what, so what, so what, so what, so what, so what, so what, SO WHAT.

Joy De Vivre was the second female singer of the anarcho-punk band Crass. I was fascinated by this name (she seems to have appeared only during 5 years) and told Tomer my story with my own "Joy De Vivre", as far as he was interested in listening: Emil Zola's novel: Joie de Vivre and Van Gogh's painting The Bible (see on "A Time to Harvest", Biblical Sculptures image and story)

80 minutes with Tomer's teaching of "Crass", "Punk" etc.
He had knocked at the door, while I tried to have a nap.
But I agreed, "since we might not meet for several months, -
you'll be here only when your father is home,
but when your father is home, I won't be here".
Now, 15:20 I'm drained by the horrid content of the lyrics of this music,
not to mention the music itself .
("it's always the same, isn't it", even Tomer says).
Then he said: "Now we are going out"
he'll never ask: "are you ready to go out with me?"
If we both are in the right mood, I accept his commanding tone.
I said: "give me 20 minutes alone.
I feel, I need to come to myself again,
especially since then I won't have the time to be with myself
before I'll be - as I guess - surrounded by all the Sixteen".
I now - being alone - repeat my intentions:

I desire my birthday wish to fulfill itself,
an intimate relationship in which each can heal & grow!
I DE-sire to DE-light in experience after experience
that my "righteousness" is, inDEED, DEAD.
I desire to radiate all-comprising acceptance,
fearless lightness,
loving joy and joyful love
towards all my Sixteen
& their endeavors to mark the 70th birthday of their mother & grandma.

16:16, I returned to Tomer exactly after 20 minutes, but now he said:
"Can I work on your computer?"
Stunned I asked: "But you wanted to go out!"
"It's too hot" (which is more than true and which scared me too),
"Let's go out only at 5:30 as Efrat wants us to.
So ,can I work on your computer?"
This time I had the strength to say: "No".
But it wasn't said with enough force, so Tomer asked: "why?"
"Because I want to work on it myself."
He let me go with that for the time being !!!!
Efrat gave me a cup of the most fantastic ice-cream to eat - from abroad...
- and I sat in my room on my bed and savored it as slowly as possible,
relaxing a bit from the fright which had befallen me before, during those 20 minutes. -
All those terrible memories
- my 'production' of Rafael's 50th birthday in 1972, which I. recalled,
when Imanuel mentioned Efrat's "production" for my 70th
("I do hope, she does not suffer as much as I did then", I said).
and my lonely resentful sitting above the rocks of the Dead Sea on my 60th ,
when not a single person came to see me or congratulate me,
[for which I took revenge (my "sweet evil", oh Rachel!) by announcing,
that I would go abroad to undetermined places for an undetermined time.
During the following weeks I mellowed a bit and decided to go directly to India,
and not just anywhere, but to my Gabriele Dietrich in South India.
But I didn't say, when I would come back , and I asked not to contact me. ]
....

Now I should be only happy:
but the past , which I thought was healed, brings all the fears up again,
the fears I had when I was the producer,
and the fears I have when I project my producer fears on other producers.
Will there ever be an end to it?
In any case, I'm very grate-full, that Tomer gave up on the going out
and that I have time to be with myself,
and if necessary, with my fears ...
and with my one wish, "it would all be over already".

But my lesson with Tomer was not done yet.
When I went to the kitchen to dispose of the icecream paper cup
and made myself a cup of coffee,
Tomer approached me again: "Can I work on your computer now?"
I was close to being triggered and said: "No, Tomer! "
Again he asked - as if he had no sensitivity whatsoever : "Why"?
"Because I want to be alone!"
"Where alone!"
"In my room!
and why do you have to make it so difficult for me to say 'no' to you!"
"It's not me who is making it difficult for you",
he said while walking away,
"it's you who is doing this to yourself!"
"Yes, of course, in that you are absolutely right."

I remembered, how he had said to me - then in the desert 2 years ago -
" you know, savta, you don't have to say yes to everything I want!"

Yesterday he had asked his father,
if he could drive him to Tel-Aviv so he could see his friend Golan.
His father said "no",
but I and Efrat were triggered by the very impertinence of the question.
Just like 2 days earlier, when Efrat - alone at home, since Immanuel was in NY -
got a phonecall from Tomer at 9 PM:
"I want you to take me from Bne-Arazim NOW".
When Efrat compared the two demands, Immanuel said: "He only asked!"

Didn't I do the same, when I sent that birthday wish to my children,
by which they were so triggered?
"But, Efrat", I tried to soothe her then,
"differentiate between my quest
und my expectation that the quest is answered."
[And, indeed, nobody fulfilled it, nobody even mentioned it...]

There - Tomer showed me - that even I am triggered,
when he asks for something
which is totally illogical and "out of the question" (what an expression in English!)
So the lesson is:
How to recognize and react
to "a quest which is out of the question",
beyond being triggered, in a serene, adamant, smiling way!
Thank you, my teacher Tomer!

song of the day
I hope, I'll receive the video, which recorded this, - some day.
Immanuel has such a backlog of unedited videos, that this will take time,
[A week later he managed to crop the song from the video as well as some images of the singing,
see more on August 18
see the translation and hear the original singing on September 3]