The
Purpose of HEALING - K.I.S.S.
- as stated 12 years ago - was and is
to help me and my potential P E E R s
"to HEAL ourselves into WHOLEness,
and - by extension - all of CREATion!" |
|
I focus my experiencing and awareness on being
"a pioneer of Evolution
in learning to feel":
I let my Body vibrate and my Heart 'womb'
pain, shame, fear, boredom, powerlessness,
so feelings can >heal >guide>fulfill>evolve,
and ~~~ offer ~~~"goldmines"~~~ to us all!!
"I
want you to feel everything, every little thing!"
|
|
K.I.S.S. -
L O G 2
0 0 8
Keep It Simple Sweetheart
|
1
|
2
|
3
|
4
|
5
|
6
|
7
|
|
|
1
2
3
|
How
Learn
And
|
I
The
Train
|
Heal
Conditions
In
|
Myself
For
Creating
|
Into
Heaven
Those
|
Whole
On
Conditions
|
Self-acceptance
Earth
Daily
|
Click!
|
Then those who see Ha-Shem, will talk
among each other,
and he listens and he
hears
yatakaalamuna allathina
yarau'na-hu ,
va-yusri va-yasma'
Dann die IHN schauen, werden reden miteinander,
und er lauscht und er
hoert
Puis ceux qu'ils voient Ha-Shem, se parlent
l'un a l'autre
il entends,
il ecoute
|
|
Intro
to
k.i.s.s.-l o g + all
dates
~ Library of
7 years ~ HOME
~ contact ~
SEARCH
( of Latin characters only!) my
eldest granddaughter's video-gallery
August
24/ Av 23, Sunday, 10th day after "the Death of my Righteousness
& my Perfectionism" - at
Bet Nehemya , morning: Tomer, evening Efrat&Mika
Re-studied on Shabbat, April 21, 2012
back to past ~~~~~
forward to future
The FOCUS of MY INTENTION
TODAY
Know exactly what you want, communicate clearly what you want,
then get out of the way, live and play, and let happen what
may!
10:03
I desire to finally - oh
f i n a l l y , please! - learn the lessons
I've set up with my actor Tomer!
I desire to learn the repeated lessons with the "Quartet"
whose unreliability triggers
me & Efrat
I desire to savor the fulfillment of
with Lior.
I desire to enjoy the al-one-ness, wholeness and "break"
from any "actors" for the next 9 hours
I desire that Lior will live
her "star-ness" and become parental to whatever will
'happen' to her.
I desire that Tomer, who too has chosen
me as an actress in his drama, will grow at Bne-Arazim.
|
Tomer turns his head away from me, while
I want to take his picture together with the song which
he had introduced to me on my
birthday: the lyrics, the tune, the singing, the singer - all
are moving me very much-
"with
me you win"
|
hodayot [thanksgivings] for
today
10:30
My Body, my Partner,
my God
I give thanks to your mobility and flexibility,
and this despite several "weak spots" in you which
seem to point out,
that I must be on constant alert concerning the fact,
that you are still bearing the consequences of my denials
in earlier years.
In earlier years? Only while writing this, I perceive,
that "the beginning of my
weakness towards you, Tomer",
was much more than that: it was a trampling over you, my Body!
I desire to have the strength to deeply, thoroughly go into
that denial,
the denial not only of my will but of you, my Body.
Thank you for bearing with me again and again and again and
again.
I'm grate-full for the harmonious togetherness with Lior,
and also - in the background - with Immanuel.
I'm grateful for the 30 min.
phone-talk with my schoolmate Barbara in Germany
I"m grate-full for Tomer's introducing me to the kind
of music,
which he assumes I might like.
I'm grate-full for Tomer's explicit teaching:
"You could have said to
me:
' now that you woke me so early, you'll stay with me and not
go home'. You could have persuaded me!"
And I'm grate-full to myself, that I did my process from victimhood
to parentalness - not only with myself on my Tomer-less morning
walk,
but in his presence, asking for help from him, and when I
got it, understanding, what fear was behind NOT trying to
"persuade" him.
See below!
|
12:37
The lesson with Tomer this early morning was so exhausting,
that -
after the taxi to Bne-Arazim had fetched him at 9:10
and I had showered, washed my hair, eaten breakfast
and cleaned the house a bit,
in short - after I had rested through engaging in physical
activity -
I felt I needed to do something completely out of context
:
this was stimulated by 2 clippings
with 2 letters from Rilke to his wife about Cézanne,
which I tried to grasp , when I couldn't sleep last night.
Rilke found reinforcement of his way
of living life
through the medium of other
artists,
-Baudelaire, the French poet , and Cézanne , the French
painter,-
I, in turn,
am finding reinforcement for my
way of finetuning to my daily living
by the way Rilke describes
his experiences-
in this case with a poem and a painting
which - "by the way" - do NOT ! present "beauty"......
|
Nourishment from Others
Rainer
Maria Rilke an Clara Rilke
Paris VIe; 29, rue Cassette, am 19. Okt. 1907
Du erinnerst sicher ~~~ aus den Aufzeichnungen des Malte
Laurids, die Stelle, die von Baudelaire handelt und von seinem
Gedichte : "Das Aas".
[see below] Ich musste
daran denken, dass ohne dies Gedicht die ganze Entwicklung zum
sachlichen Sagen, die wir jetzt in Cézanne
zu erkennen glauben, nicht haette anheben koennen; erst musste
es da sein in seiner Unerbittlich-keit. Erst musste das kuenstlerische
Anschauen sich so weit ueberwunden haben, auch im Schrecklichen
und scheinbar nur Widerwaertigen das Seiende zu sehen, das,
mit allem anderen Seienden, g i l t .
Sowenig eine Auswahl zugelassen ist, ebensowenig ist eine Abwendung
von irgendwelcher Existenz dem Schaffenden erlaubt; ein einziges
Ablehnen irgendwann draengt ihn aus dem Zustande der Gnade,
macht ihn ganz und gar suendig. Flaubert, als er die Legende
von Saint-Julien-l'hospitalier
mit so viel Umsicht und Sorgfalt wiedererzaehlte, gab ihr diese
einfache Glaubwuerdigkeit mitten im Wunderbaren, weil der Kuenstler
in ihm die Entschluesse des Heiligen mitbeschloss und ihnen
gluecklich zustimmte und zurief. Dies Sich-zu-dem-Aussaetzigen-Legen
und Alle-eigene-Waerme-, bis zu der Herzwaerme der Liebesnaechte,
mit-ihm-Teilen: dies muss irgendwann im Dasein eines Kuenstlers
gewesen sein, als Ueberwindung zu seiner neuen Seligkeit. Du
kannst Dir denken, wie es mich beruehrt, zu lesen, dass Cézanne
eben dieses Gedicht - Baudelaire's Charogne - noch in seinen
letzten Jahren ganz auswendig wusste und es Wort fuer Wort hersagte.
Gewiss faende man unter seinen frueheren Arbeiten solche, in
denen er sich gewaltig ueberwand zu der aeussersten Liebesmoeglichkeit.
Hinter dieser Hingabe beginnt, mit Kleinem zunaechst, die Heiligkeit:
das einfache Leben einer Liebe, die bestanden hat, die, ohne
sich dessen je zu ruehmen, zu allem tritt, unbegleitet, unauffaellig,
wortlos. Die eigentliche Arbeit, die Fuelle der Aufgaben, alles
faengt erst hinter diesem Bestehen an, und wer bis dorthin nicht
hat gelangen koennen, der wird im Himmel wohl die Jungfrau Maria
zu sehen bekommen, einzelne Heilige und kleine Propheten, den
Koenig Saul und
Charles
le Téméraire- : aber von Hokusai
und Lionardo,
von Li-Tai-Pe und Villon,
von Verhaeren,
Rodin, Cézanne, - und gar vom lieben Gott wird man
ihm auch dort nur erzaehlen koennen.
Und mit einem Mal (und zum ersten)
begreife ich das Schicksal des Malte Laurids. Ist es nicht das,
dass diese Pruefung ihn ueberstieg, dass er sie am Wirklichen
nicht bestand, obwohl er in der Idee von ihrer Notwendigkeit
ueberzeugt war, so sehr, dass er sie so lange instinktiv aufsuchte,
bis sie sich an ihn haengte und ihn nicht mehr verliess? Das
Buch von Malte Laurids, wenn es einmal geschrieben sein wird,
wird nichts als das Buch dieser Einsicht sein, erwiesen an einem
fuer den sie zu ungeheuer war.
Vielleicht b e s t a n d er
ja auch: denn er schrieb den Tod des Kammerherrn; aber wie ein
Raskolnikow
blieb er, von seiner Tat aufgebraucht, zurueck, nicht weiterhandelnd
im Moment, wo das Handeln erst beginnen musste, so dass die
neue errungene Freiheit sich gegen ihn wandte und ihn, den Wehrlosen,
zerriss.
Ach, wir rechnen die Jahre und
machen Abschnitte da und dort und hoeren auf und fangen an und
zoegern zwischen beidem. Aber wie sehr ist, was uns begegnet,
aus einem Stueck, in welcher Verwandtschaft steht eines zum
anderen, hat sich geboren und waechst heran und wird erzogen
zu sich selbst, und
wir haben im Grunde nur d a z u s e i n ,
aber schlicht, aber instaendig, wie die Erde da ist,
den Jahreszeiten zustimmend, hell
und dunkel und ganz im Raum, nicht verlangend in anderem aufzuruhen
(sic!) als in dem Netz von Einfluessen
und Kraeften, in dem die Sterne sich sicher fuehlen.
Nun muss auch eines Tages die
Zeit und Gelassenheit und Geduld da sein, um an den Aufzeichnungen
des... [end of
cutting] |
[See
an article concerning the series of Rilke's letter about Cezanne]
"ein Ort der Selbstreflexion
am anderen Medium
"
Am Morgen des 31. Mai 1907 kehrt Rilke
von einer langen Reise nach Paris zurück, wo er mit Unterbrechungen
seit August 1902 gelebt hatte. Damals war er mit dem Auftrag,
eine Monographie über den französischen Bildhauer
Auguste Rodin zu schreiben, nach Paris gekommen. Zu Rodin hat
sich recht bald ein enges Verhältnis entwickelt, ab Herbst
1905 ist Rilke dessen Sekretär, doch im Frühjahr des
folgenden Jahres kommt es zum Zerwürfnis, woraufhin Rilke
die Stadt verlässt.
Im Oktober 1907 werden im Salon d’Automne
49 Gemälde und sieben Aquarelle des im Jahr zuvor verstorbenen
Malers Paul Cézanne gezeigt; Rilke besucht die Ausstellung
beinahe täglich und berichtet seiner Frau Clara in Briefen
von den neu gewonnenen "Erfahrungen an Cézanne".
Wie die Begegnung mit Rodin hat auch das Erlebnis der Bilder
des Malers auf Rilkes Entwicklung als Dichter eine nachhaltige
Wirkung. Rilke resümiert 1924 in einem Brief:
"als das stärkste
Vorbild stand, seit 1906, das Werk eines Malers vor mir, Paul
Cézannes,
dem ich dann, nach dem Tode des Meisters,
auf allen Spuren nachging."
.....Erkennens von Wirklichkeit, eine
Frage, die als grundlegend für Rilkes dichterische Selbstvergewisserung
anzusehen ist.
"Nur die zehn Tage
nach Ruths Geburt, glaub ich, hab
ich ohne Verlust gelebt:
die Wirklichkeit so unbeschreiblich findend,
bis ins Kleinste hinein,
wie sie ja wahrscheinlich immer ist."
Rilke gebraucht das Wort 'Wirklichkeit‘
stets im Sinne von durch eigenes Erleben
erfahrener Wirklichkeit; sie ist nicht Subjekt-unabhängig,
sondern immer eine vom Einzelnen gedeutete Welt. Insofern
steht Rilke in Nachfolge von Kant,
seit dessen erkenntniskritischen Schriften, "das,
was man Außenwelt nennt" als "das ewig wechselnde
und ununterbrochen von neuem sich erzeugende Resultat eines
geistigen Vorganges" gilt. ...
Vor allem im Kunstwerk erkennt Rilke die
Möglichkeit zu derart "gesteigerter"Wirklichkeitserfahrung*,
welche durch intensivierte eigene Erfahrung und Befreiung von
überkommenen Wahrnehmungs-, Deutungs- und Urteilsmodellen
ermöglicht wird.
Dass Rilke erkannt hat, wie neues Sehen
nicht allein durch Ausschalten des eigenen Bewusstseins, sondern
auch durch einen im Bewusstsein zu vollziehenden Prozess erlernt
werden muss, wird im Malte-Roman
ersichtlich, den Rilke an zentraler Stelle der "Briefe
über Cézanne" als Scheitern des Protagonisten
vor eben dieser Aufgabe begreift:
Malte, so interpretiert Rilke seine Figur,
gelingt es nur zweimal, die "Prüfung" am Wirklichen
zu bestehen und das Leben zu bejahen: in der Rechtfertigung
von Baudelaires Gedicht "Une Charogne" und in der
Schilderung des Todes des Kammerherrn. Gleichwohl wird in den
"Briefen über Cézanne" kein Beitrag zu
einer Ästhetik des Häßlichen geleistet. ...
Die zweite Möglichkeit, auf das
pantha rhei zu reagieren, ist Flucht in die Ruhe. Paul Cézanne
zog sich aus der Großstadt in ein Tal zurück, vor
dem sich das Gebirge der Sainte Victoire erhebt, und malte Entspre-chungen
der ruhig vor ihm liegenden Natur. Für ein Stillleben benötigte
er 100 Arbeitssitzungen,
für ein Portrait saß ein Modell 150
mal........ |
Nourishment from Others
Rainer Maria Rilke an Clara Rilke
Paris VIe; 29, rue Cassette, am 22. Okt. 1907
~~~ heute schliesst der Salon
[von Cézanne,
died on Oct. 23, 1906]. Und schon, da ich zum letzten
Mal von dort nach Hause gehe, moechte ich ein Violett, ein Gruen
oder gewisse blaue Toene wieder aufsuchen, von denen mir scheint,
dass ich sie haette besser, unvergesslicher sehen muessen. Schon,
obwohl ich so oft aufmerksam und unnachgiebig davor gestanden
habe, wird in meiner Erinnerung der grosse Farbenzusammenhang
der Frau im roten Fauteuil so wenig wiederholbar wie eine sehr
vielstellige Zahl. Und doch habe ich sie mir
eingepraegt, Ziffer fuer Ziffer. In meinem Gefuehl ist das Bewusstsein
ihres Vorhandenseins zu einer Erhoehung geworden, die ich noch
im Schlafe fuehle; mein Blut beschreibt sie in mir, aber das
Sagen geht irgendwo draussen vorbei und wird nicht hereingerufen.
Schrieb ich von ihr? - Vor eine erdiggruene Wand , in der ein
kobaltblaues Muster (ein Kreuz mit ausgesparter Mitte; ---)
rar wiederkehrt, ist ein roter, ganz gepolsterter niedriger
Sessel geschoben; die rund gewulstete Lehne rundet und senkt
sich nach vorne zu zu Armlehen (die wie der Rockaermel-stumpf
eines Armlosen geschlossen sind). Die linke Armlehne und die
Quaste, die voller Zinnober von ihr herunterhaengt, haben schon
nicht mehr die Wand hinter sich, sondern einen breiten unteren
Randstreifen aus gruenem Blau, gegen den ihr Widerspruch laut
anklingt. In diesen roten Fauteuil, der eine Persoenlichkeit
ist, ist eine Frau gesetzt, die Haende im Schloss eines breit
senkrecht gestreiften Kleides, das ganz leicht mit kleinen verteilten
Stuecken gruener Gelbs und gelber Gruens angegeben ist, bis
an den Rand der blaugrauen Jacke, die eine blaue, mit gruenen
Reflexen spielende Seidenschleife vorne zusammenhaelt. In der
Helligkeit des Gesichts ist die Naehe all dieser Farben zu einer
einfachen Modellierung ausgenutzt; selbst das Braun des ueber
den Scheiteln rund aufgelegten Haares und das glatte Braun in
den Augen muss sich aeussern gegen seine Umgebung. E
s i s t , a l s
w ü ß t e j e d e
S t e l l e v o n a l l
e n . So sehr nimmt sie teil; so sehr geht auf ihr Anpassung
und Ablehnung vor sich; so sehr sorgt jede in ihrer Weise für
das Gleichgewicht und stellt es her: wie das ganze Bild schließlich
die Wirklichkeit im Gleichgewicht hält.
Denn sagt man, es ist ein roter Fauteuil (und es ist der erste
und endgueltigste rote Fauteuil aller Malerei):
so ist er es doch nur, weil
er eine erfahrene Farbensumme gebunden in sich hat, die, wie
immer sie auch sein mag, ihn im Rot bestaerkt und bestaetigt.
Er ist, um auf die Hoehe
seines Ausdrucks zu kommen, um das leichte Bildnis herum ganz
stark gemalt, dass etwas wie eine Wachsschicht entsteht; und
doch hat die Farbe kein Übergewicht über den Gegenstand,
der so vollkommen in seine malerischen Äquivalente übersetzt
erscheint, daß, so sehr er erreicht und gegeben ist, doch
andererseits auch wieder seine bürgerliche Realität
an ein endgültiges Bild-Dasein alle Schwere verliert. Alles
ist, wie ich schon schrieb, zu einer Angelegenheit der Farben
untereinander geworden:
Eine nimmt sich gegen die andere zusammen, betont
sich ihr gegenüber, besinnt sich auf sich selbst.
Wie im Mund eines Hundes bei Annaehrerung
verschiedener Dinge verschiedene Saefte sich bilden und bereit
halten: zustimmende, die nur umsetzen,
und korrigierende, die unschaedlich machen wollen: so
entstehen im Innern jeder Farbe Steigerungen oder Verduennungen,
mit deren Hilfe sie das Beruehrtwerden durch eine andere uebersteht.
Neben dieser Druesenwirkung innerhalb der Farbenintensitaet
spielen die Spiegelungen (deren Vorhandensein in der Natur [end
of cutting] |
Une
Charogne (de "Les Fleurs du mal"
par Charles Baudelaire ) 1857 Rappelez-vous
l'objet que nous vîmes, mon âme,
Ce beau matin d'été si doux:
Au détour d'un sentier une charogne infâme
Sur un lit semé de cailloux, Le
ventre en l'air, comme une femme lubrique,
Brûlante et suant les poisons,
Ouvrait d'une façon nonchalante et cynique
Son ventre plein d'exhalaisons.
Le soleil rayonnait sur cette pourriture,
Comme afin de la cuire à point,
Et de rendre au centuple à la grande Nature
Tout ce qu'ensemble elle avait joint;
Et le ciel regardait la carcasse superbe
Comme une fleur s'épanouir.
La puanteur était si forte, que sur l'herbe
Vous crûtes vous évanouir.
Les mouches bourdonnaient sur ce ventre putride,
D'où sortaient de noirs bataillons
De larves, qui coulaient comme un épais liquide
Le long de ces vivants haillons.
Tout cela descendait, montait comme une vague
Ou s'élançait en pétillant
On eût dit que le corps, enflé d'un souffle vague,
Vivait en se multipliant.
Et ce monde rendait une étrange musique,
Comme l'eau courante et le vent,
Ou le grain qu'un vanneur d'un mouvement rythmique
Agite et tourne dans son van.
Les formes s'effaçaient et n'étaient
plus qu'un rêve,
Une ébauche lente à venir
Sur la toile oubliée, et que l'artiste achève
Seulement par le souvenir.
Derrière les rochers une chienne inquiète
Nous regardait d'un oeil fâché,
Epiant le moment de reprendre au squelette
Le morceau qu'elle avait lâché.
- Et pourtant vous serez semblable à
cette ordure,
A cette horrible infection,
Etoile de mes yeux, soleil de ma nature,
Vous, mon ange et ma passion!
Oui! telle vous serez, ô la reine des
grâces,
Apres les derniers sacrements,
Quand vous irez, sous l'herbe et les floraisons grasses,
Moisir parmi les ossements.
Alors, ô ma beauté! dites à
la vermine
Qui vous mangera de baisers,
Que j'ai gardé la forme et l'essence divine
De mes amours décomposés! |
A Carcass ( From
"he Flowers of Evil" by Charles Baudelaire —
Translated
)
My love, do you recall the object which
we saw,
That fair, sweet, summer morn!
At a turn in the path a foul carcass
On a gravel strewn bed,
Its legs raised in the air, like a lustful
woman,
Burning and dripping with poisons,
Displayed in a shameless, nonchalant way
Its belly, swollen with gases.
The sun shone down upon that putrescence,
As if to roast it to a turn,
And to give back a hundredfold to great Nature
The elements she had combined;
And the sky was watching that superb cadaver
Blossom like a flower.
So frightful was the stench that you believed
You'd faint away upon the grass.
The blow-flies were buzzing round that putrid
belly,
From which came forth black battalions
Of maggots, which oozed out like a heavy liquid
All along those living tatters.
All this was descending and rising like a wave,
Or poured out with a crackling sound;
One would have said the body, swollen with a vague breath,
Lived by multiplication.
And this world gave forth singular music,
Like running water or the wind,
Or the grain that winnowers with a rhythmic motion
Shake in their winnowing baskets.
The forms disappeared and were no more than
a dream,
A sketch that slowly falls
Upon the forgotten canvas, that the artist
Completes from memory alone.
Crouched behind the boulders, an anxious dog
Watched us with angry eye,
Waiting for the moment to take back from the
carcass
The morsel he had left.
— And yet you will be like this corruption,
Like this horrible infection,
Star of my eyes, sunlight of my being,
You, my angel and my passion!
Yes! thus will you be, queen of the Graces,
After the last sacraments,
When you go beneath grass and luxuriant flowers,
To molder among the bones of the dead.
Then, O my beauty! say to the worms who will
Devour you with kisses,
That I have kept the form and the divine essence
Of my decomposed love!
|
Ein
Aas (aus "Die Blumen des Boesen")
von Charles Baudelaire O
meine Seele, sei des holden Morgens Zeuge,
Wir wandelten am Sommergras,
Da lag auf einem Bett aus Kies in Pfades Beuge
Vor unsrem Blick ein schmählich Aas. Die
Beine hoch gleich einem zügellosen Weibe
Erwies es ohne Scham den Bauch.
Es schwitzte lauter Gift; aus dem geborstnen Leibe
Entwich der Gase heißer Hauch.
Die Sonne traf das Luder mit dem Glanz der
Strahlen
Und kochte es noch vollends gar,
Um hundertfältig der Natur zurückzuzahlen,
Was erst in eins gebunden war.
Der Himmel sah den faulen Prunk an dem Gerippe
Wie Blumen aufgehn; der Gestank
War so entsetzlich, daß dein Leben von der Lippe
Verschwand und fast in Ohnmacht sank.
Schmeißfliegen summten um den Schoß,
der eiternd klaffte,
In schwarzen Bataillonen drang
Das Larvenvolk hervor; es floß gleich dickem Safte
Den Fetzen des Geschöpfs entlang.
Wie eine Woge stieg dies alles, stürzte
nieder
Und flimmerte und warf sich auf:
Gebläht von ungewissem Atem hob sichs wieder,
Vielfach lebendig und zuhauf.
Musik, befremdend, stieg aus diesem Bild auf
Erden:
Der Bach, der fließt, der Wind, der weht,
Auch Korn rauscht so, von Schwingers rhythmischen Gebärden
Im Korb gerüttelt und gedreht.
Die Formen flohen, wie sie sonst im Traume
schwanken
Und im Entwurf, der halb erwacht
Auf längst verjährter Leinwand, bis in den Gedanken
Des Künstlers Geist ihn fertigmacht.
Versteckt vom Felsen lauerte die Hündin,
Lappen,
Die sie an dem Skelett verlor,
Im rechten Augenblick wieder zu erschnappen,
Unruhig, bösen Blicks hervor.
- Allein auch du wirst ähnlich solchem
Greuel enden
Und so mit Pest vermischtem Kot,
Stern meiner Augen, Sonne über meinen Lenden,
Mein Engel du und meine Not!
Der Anmut Königin, nach äußersten
Gebeten
Wirst du - selbst du nicht anders sein,
Bedeckt vom Rasen, unter fetten Blütenbeeten
Verschimmeln zwischen dem Gebein.
Dann, Schönste, sag von mir den Würmern,
die dich nagen
Mit ihrem nimmersatten Kuß:
Gestalt und göttlich Wesen will ich weitertragen,
Wenn mein Idol zerfallen muß!
|
From
Quotations to inspire and to challenge
Rainer Maria Rilke
Jan 26th, 2007 by Ron Foreman
-There is only one journey. Going inside yourself.
-He who does not at some time, with definite
determination consent to the terribleness of life, or even exalt
in it, never takes possession of the inexpressible fullness
of the power of our existence
-For verses are not, as people imagine, simply
feelings (those one has early enough), -they are experiences.
For the sake of a single verse, one must see many cities, men
and things, one must know the animals, one must feel how the
birds fly and know the gesture with which the little flowers
open in the morning.
Ich lebe mein Leben in
wachsenden Ringen,
die sich über die Dinge ziehn.
Ich werde den letzten vielleicht nicht vollbringen,
aber versuchen will ich ihn. Ich
kreise um Gott, um den uralten Turm,
und ich kreise jahrtausendelang;
und ich weiß noch nicht: bin ich ein Falke,
ein Sturm
oder ein großer Gesang. |
-Be patient toward all that is unresolved in
your heart. Try to love the questions themselves like locked
rooms and like books written in a very foreign tongue. Do not
seek now the answers, which cannot be given to you because you
would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything.
Live the questions now. …perhaps you will then gradually,
without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer…
-Do not believe that he who seeks to comfort
you lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes
do you good. His life has much difficulty… Were it otherwise
he would never have been able to find those words.
|
I'm
not sure, what I feel when reading the second quote - which seems
to say the same as the sentences about Baudelaire's "Carcass",
- or - yes, I AM sure! It is a rationalization!. There must not
and cannot be "a consent to the terribleness of life",
leave alone an exaltation in it. Barbara, my schoolmate told me
yesterday, that her mother died - "thanks God" - and
how her ashes are waiting in the living-room, in order to be buried
in the family-grave in Aussee, Austria, as soon as they get there.
"I once also brought my mother-in-law
in my suitcase from Tchechia, though it is forbidden by law to
transfer corpses & ashes privately."
Rilke would not have dared to imagine,
that Body does not want to die and does not have to die, and all
the horrid sights, sounds, smells, which Baudelaire describes
are unnecessary.
Why then did this "issue" enter my life today?
And why did the way, he s a w "the
woman in the red fauteuil" enhance my own seeing ?
I feel bewildered , and I'll stop pondering, try to sleep a little
(13:57) and
then turn to my own life on this very day, the never ending challenges
my grandchild Tomer hurls against me. It is as if whenever I've
caught my breath in one corner, a "surprise" shoots
down on me from some other corner. It is the finetuning of Rilke
which is the finetuning of Rachel
|
|
|
It
was here where our pathes parted.
We had walked for about 10 minutes
through all the ugliness around and especially
east of Bet Nehemya.
"I am so disappointed of Bet Nehemya" , I
said to Tomer.
"See all the junk everywhere -
people have not the slightest respect for the nature around
them,
and then see the fences and the highways beyond them,
one can't move anywhere.
It's much worse than in Shoham the town,
it's worse also than it was around Ramat-Hadar ,
where your father grew up.
All the 16 years I lived there, I felt imprisoned.
to the east - the road from Hod-Hasharon to Petach-Tikva-Tel-Aviv,
to the north - houses , some ugly orange-orchards and more houses,
to the west - after 1 km - an army zone of 10 km along the sea,
and later also a highway,
only to the south I could walk a bit,
though also mostly through ugly orange orchards, and an antiquity
hill.
And now this! "
He said nothing, but after a while he too blurted:
"All these fences, like in a ghetto! like at the border!"
"Yes! I only hope, that over there
in the north there will be an outlet."
And indeed, after having hit fences, wherever we turned,
I - not Tomer - suddenly discerned a huge gate, which wasn't
tightly shut.
"Oh look, look, there is an outlet
after all", I said with great
exhilaration!
And what did my teacher-actor say?
"I'm not going there!"
"What?"
"No, I'm not going further away from home.
I won't have the strength to later go back all the way."
As usual with Tomer, the blow comes from
such an unexpected direction,
that it hits me utterly unprepared.
"My lesson, my lesson!"
I said to myself.
"How must I behave now, in order
to not succumb to Tomer!"
So I said bravely:
"Alright, then you go home, you have
the key
and I'll go through the gate into freedom."
"But don't come back too late."
" This remark should have softened
me ....
After all, he couldn't be too keen on leaving for Bne-Arazim
"in time".
When I had passed through the gate and walked up some 100 m,
I made a last attempt: "Come,
come, the sun is rising right now."
But he didn't come, he stood far away,
below, behind the gate and screamed:
"Do you feel offended?"
That was meant to be my chance, but I missed it totally.
I screamed: "I would , if
I would succumb to you.
I can't force you to come with me, but I can go where I want
to!"
What a pathetic way of "not imposing myself on him"....
So each walked on into a different direction.
I walked north, until I came to a track
which passed underneath the double highway.
On the other side there was a sign pointing out the beginning
of a marked path.
Its beginning was bad, up and down, and spread with slippery
stones.
I sidetracked myself from my lesson with Tomer by taking pictures
of both,
some nice views, though they all included the traffic on the
highway,
and some ugly views which showed,
how previous trails were cut off, blocked, left to die,
because the highway.... - oh I wished I were a poet -
to find the right metaphors for the destruction of freedom,
the freedom , one could once find and feel in nature.
I hang on to the promise in Godchannel
of "an almost virgin earth" for us,
for us, who suffer the rape of our present earth almost physically
.
The good news was, that while walking south on that marked path,
most of the time viewing the highway and all of the time hearing
its noise,
I reached another underpass,
which let me re-enter the southern - also open - gate
of the security-fence around Bet Nehemyia.
I had told Tomer, that once the authorities had demanded from
Avi Dror,
to install a security fence around "Succah
in the Desert".
When he said: "over my dead
body", they threatened,
that they would take the licence of the business away.
He did not succumb.
"So what happened?" asked
Tomer, "Nothing! And Avi Dror now
says:
'This is the only place where people live or stay without a
security fence
in the entire State of Israel ."
I now understood, why there were so many
fences:
not only the fence along the highway on both sides,
but also the obligatory security fence around the village of
Bet Nehemya.
It suddenly seemed to me, that it was preferable to live in
town.
There is no fence around Arad or around Shoham!
I cannot express, what I feel, when I'm enclosed by a fence.
I wasn't in Auschwitz, nor in a ghetto, and only in a former
life I was in prison.
But it is, as if I could not live, it is as if someone took
my breath away....
Inside Bet Nehemya I walked along the fence to the west.
I still had time,
before I would have to place Tomer in the taxi and pay the driver.
When I - without knowing how - reached the house after all,
I found a small bolder to sit on and think:
"I cannot come to Tomer
with all this rage and blame in me,
I must find the beginning of an understanding why I created
this."
I went back to the occurrences of last night.
Where did it start, that I succumbed to him again?
It wasn't this morning, when I agreed to be woken up at 5:45.
For we had done this in the past
- go out and see the sun-rise,
and there was a match between the craziness of us both.
During my Tomer-less walk I did a lot of screaming and wailing,
to at least let body do its work of vibrating
my feelings ,
the feelings of disappointment, humiliation and most of all:
of powerlessness .
Now, after a while, I could see the beginning of my "loosing
it"...
I walked over to the house, rang the bell.
No answer.
I went to the window of my room, certain that he was sitting
at my computer.
All the while I had the bitter feeling,
that he, without intention, succeeded in removing me from the
house
so as to have the computer all for himself.
What was this first incident in the morning?
- I was awake already, woken up by a movement of his bed in
the next room -
I got up, brushed my teeth, drank my urine, combed my hair,
dressed
- altogether a matter of 5 minutes, if I hurry, and for his
sake I hurried.
When I was all ready, he said:
"I just want to create something
small on the computer.
It will not take more than 3 minutes!"
"But why didn't you do it,
while I was in the bathroom!"
I felt defeated, lay back in my bed, dressed as I was.
I should have said: "No",
but there was the unconscious fear which whispered:
'You must not be petty concerning
3 minutes, Rachel,
you must be righteous!'
Since I didn't say "No", I should
at least have watched what he "created".
But "my spine" , a metaphor Tomer would soon use,
was already broken.
When did it break?
"Didn't you hear the ringing?"
"Yes", "So why didn't you open?"
"It doesn't work so fast!"
H e probably wanted to quickly close his
program on the computer,
before I would come in and blame him for it.
I didn't relate to this, but commanded harshly:
"You now come with me to the veranda,
and the work I've done with myself,
I want to do once more, in your presence",
"What's the matter with you",
he said defiantly, but he came with me.
I began:
"As you know, I believe, that I am
never a victim,
and my question must be, why I again and again attract pain
from you.
It started with something, which has not really anything to
do with you:
With the fact, that I did not go to bed at eleven,
when I was so tired, so unusually tired,
that I only glanced at the time of the computer,
hoping that another minute and another minutes would pass.
But I wanted you to have a good time, that was one reason,
and after all - the songs which you wanted me to hear, were
really pretty.
Another reason was that I had promised your father,
who had fixed with you before he went on flight,
that you would be in bed at midnight,
that I would stay up until then too.
My very question was stupid; It's a "kitbag" question,
and the answer must necessarily be 'Yes'."
(this is a term from the army:
the commander says:
"You'll walk 50 km and run most of the way."
A naive soldier asks: "Do we also have to take our kitbacks?"
the commander hadn't thought of it, but now that he was asked,
he said: "yes!")
"But even if I promised him to stay
up, to make sure you go to bed,
I should have taken care of myself and my body more than of
this promise!
For the problem is not only, that I couldn't enjoy our last
hour at all,
but that I overstretched the point of tiredness, which means,
that when I finally went to bed, my body was so tense,
that no exercise of relaxation could make me fall asleep."
Looking at this denial of my Body
again and again - it's now 17:12 -
I feel great despair!
After all these decades of training - of listening to my Will
and to my Body,
after giving thanks to my Body day after day, being aware of
it constantly,
I was not even in a dilemma between 23:00 and 24:00.
It has been my automatic, even "instinctive" pattern
for 70 years,
that I must sacrifice myself and my Body to whoever is in my
presence.
I'm furious
with all the people and belief-systems who value "sacrifice".
When I express this fury in the
presence of others,
I'm so dramatic, that they probably fear for my sanity.
But there - with my children and grandchildren
and probably with everyone whom I let into my life,
I sacrifice myself - in order to please,
no, no, in order to let the others have "a good time",
and only if I do so, I'll feel "righteous" and love
myself.
I feel not only humbled, desperate and hopeless,
I feel ridiculous.
Tomer was already here, when I sat with Lior outside the house,
on the edge of the sideway,
after we had come back from a one hour walk along the fences,
during which I had said to her:
"Now you'll be leaving, it was a
true "nidberu",
but you still haven't blessed me for my 70th birthday."
Since she had difficulty with
my proposal, what that blessing should contain,
she came up with her own wish :
"I do have a blessing for you and
I want to say it".
"Then go ahead!"
"I want you - in this your new year
- to find the PEER, you are looking for,
the peer, with whom you can heal and learn and grow and co-create,
the peer, who is able to give you what you need,
and the peer, who is able to receive what you need to give."
At that moment I rejoiced in her blessing and said,
that she was the only one who even thought of that,
and that yes - I felt - this gift was not as far away as I had
believed.
[On our walk we had mostly talked about the mourning-work
she had done following her decision after our Dead Sea togetherness
-
to separate from her boyfriend.
I felt, that she was almost done with this work, and why,
and that after this last week of being trained - before training
others ,
she should put her notebook aside and totally concentrate on
the fantastic challenge in the army,
a challenge which would mature
her into being herself in the fastest of ways.
I then gave some examples of my own work of mourning after separations
from lovers.
"I've
once told you, that I believed,
the real chance with David
would come in 2012.
But during the last months I came to understood,
that I must put this history to rest.
In our reality, when people are not equal,
though all are rays
of the One sun, waves of the One ocean, colors of the One light,
David will never be equal to me.
He is probably growing
immensely, but so am I.
The gap between us will never close - not in this reality.
But it is in this reality, that I yearn for a peer,
it is this reality, that I'm promised peers, to heal and grow
with,
it is NOW, that I want to do my healing into wholeness with
Peers
who are on the same wave-length".
[July 31, 2011: was this
a belief, which fulfilled itself, or a prophecy towards
March 13, 2009?]
Now - crouching there on the sideway,
while at least 3 different fathers were cycling around with
there little sons -
I heard myself saying:
"Yes, even though the only reason
for the fact,
that my yearning still doesn't find fulfillment
is lack of wholeness,
I feel, that I'm quite close,
especially after the sun eclipse trigger
of Aug.1!"
[July 31, 2011: If "close"
means "within 3 years", than this feeling was just
wishful thinking...]
But now?
after my outrageous, shocking betrayal of my Body yesterday
night?
I just remembered my
song! It must be adjusted to this failure!
"And again I start from the beginning
as one of the smallest in your kingdom,
such a betrayer of my Body!"
"My power,
my grace are strong in the small ones!
Nor does a free man understand the chained.
Give thanks to your chain!"
|
I was sure, we wouldn't see anything
spectacular, so I didn't bring my camera.
I should have known by now, that my eyes spot beauty in the
dreariest places.
So I had to use my mobile phone to catch those spots:
This underpass I'll call the "northern" one,
because later I discovered one to the south,
which means, I might have found a one hour trail near the
house,,
part of which is really nice,
though all the time along the view and the noise of the highway.
The marked foot-path along
the highway passes an old lime-oven (English?)
On top of the path - all the time along
the fence to the right -
wild doves feel disturbed by me
What is this? An old grave
hewn into the rock?
Beyond the fence and the highway:
Bet Nehemya to the west of the water-tower
|
Another perspective of Bet Nehemya - now also
to the left of the water-tower - the street with my family's newly
rented house.
Following the trucks - which just pass by the
water-power - into the northern direction
A seemingly nice track leads to Bet-Nehemya, with
Shoham behind it. But the track was chopped off...
Back to what I said to Tomer and what
he said to me.
(I'm skipping another incident with his alarm-clock - at midnight...)
"It wasn't the fact, that I agreed
to get up early and go out with you.
I was even looking forward to exploring this new territory
with you
and maybe find a path for future outings - despite the ugliness
here.
It is not a situation where I succumbed to you.
Only in hindsight I can see,
that I let myself be terribly disappointed by you.
And of course it will never happen again,
that you will command me to get up before sunrise. [Woe
to myself....]
My trust is gone.
The big, big question is, why did I attract this into my life?
If you have an answer, then tell me, for I haven't . "
It was then, that my teacher-actor said:
"I asked you there at the gate,
if you were offended.
If you had said yes, I would have gone with you.
You could have persuaded me to come with you.
You could have said:
Since you woke me up so early, you are now coming with me!
"
Suddenly it was clear as the sun!
Yes he had opened the gate of his heart for me to come in
and drag him out of his defiance.
So why didn't I pass this gate too?
The answer was there right away, inside
me and I said:
"You are right - why didn't I try
to persuade you?
I was afraid! Afraid, that you would say "no!"
And then I would not only have felt disappointed, but humiliated!
I said to myself: "At least I don't want to succumb to
him,
as I would have done on former occasions.
At least I would prove to you, that you could not defeat me.
That I could finally stand up to you.
But I let me be defeated by my fear.
I'm grate-full that you pointed this out to me"
And I cried.
|
This
was one of the saddest sights:
an old track simply cut off, ending in an abyss,
the abyss of one more highway
|
Fences, fences, fences - a blue semitrailor
and a blue sign pointing to "Ben-Gurion Airport", and the
street with our house beyond
There was a break -
his getting ready, grabbing food, triggering me with his disgusting
table manners etc.
or by suddenly sitting in front of the television and opening
it (I said: "No!") etc. etc.
but then we sat on the veranda, opposite each other,
5 minutes before the taxi was to come.
I was driven to say again:
"I'm really grate-full that you
had the answer for me."
And in that moment I saw, that I needed to clarify my fear:
"It wasn't that I was afraid of
my own shame!
I was afraid, that it would do damage to you,
if you could defeat me to that extent."
In Hebrew it sounded clearer than it sounds here in English.
He said:
"This fear means, that you have
no character!"
"Character? that's not a word in my dictionary".
He corrected himself:
"That you have no spine !"
He corrected himself again:
"That's not true, of course you have a spine ,
but you believe, you don't have one.
It is all your choice!
You are not appreciating yourself, you are not loving yourself."
"Yes, that is absolutely right!"
Then the taxi driver came and Tomer waved me Shalom.
That was 9:10 and now it's 18:50,
and in half an hour Efrat and Mika will come home.
On the phone we discussed, if I should overcome my fright
of fetching them from the airport train-station with their
car,
the fear of finding the exact track to Terminal 3 ,
the fear of managing with the automatic parking- card etc..
At first I said, that I would like to take up the challenge,
but identifying with Efrat's feelings
- she would probably worry all the way from Acco if I would
manage -
I said: "I think, I should retreat
and - for once - let you take a taxi."
In this case it was right to listen to my fear.
It took me all these hours - to finish the draft of this finetuning.
But I have no idea, how I can strengthen my "spine".
I figured out already, that despite my calculation last week,
that I wouldn't see Tomer for a long time,
I not only saw him this time against the plans,
I'm also going to see him at least twice, in September.
I don't feel glad about this prospect, to say the least.
But it seems, that my Higher Self wants
to stage an ongoing training with Tomer.
And didn't I say to Lior after her blessing and my bragging
about my wholeness,
that I'm even praying for the kind of experiences which I
still need to become whole?
What can I say but: "I am afraid"!
In general I am afraid of nobody and nothing! Not even of
my daughter!
And not of my "Quartet".
Concerning them I fixed with Micha,
after I had expressed my frustration about their lack of response
to Efrat's invitation to a Day of the Quintet,
"from now on, until they'll be
18 years old,
any invitation will be organized with you and not with the
children."
I can't hide, that I still feel angry,
and that I feel bad for Efrat, who will feel once again shoved
aside.
And yet I can cope with this kind of
"holes in our wholeness, which want
to heal" .
But I feel, I cannot cope with the challenges Tomer throws
at me.
And if I cannot, how can his father and mainly how can Efrat
cope?
We need help! Please!
|
Fences, fences, fences - and the highway to
the north
see more tomorrow
song
of the day
"And again I start from the beginning
as one of the smallest in your kingdom,
such a betrayer of my Body!"
"My power, my grace
are strong in the small ones!
Nor does a free man understand the chained.
Give thanks to your chain!"
|
back to past ~~~~~
forward to future
Intro
to
k.i.s.s.-l o g + all
dates
~ Library of
7 years ~ HOME
~ contact ~
SEARCH
( of Latin characters only!) my
eldest granddaughter's video-gallery
whole&full-filled,
never perfect&complete
Keep
It Simple Sweetheart
K.I.S.S.
- L O G 2
0 0 8
|