hodayot [thanksgivings] for today

6:47
My Body, my Partner, my God
I give thanks to our eyes which see and savor,
and to those who invented and prepared my glasses,
so that sometimes I can see sharply and sometimes vaguely
and by this contrast become more aware of what I see!

I am grate-full for this sentence in the last channeling;
"When you become aware of your own push energy
and stop pushing,
your spirit can more easily shift attention
from its own agenda
and join with me in channeling Grandfather's Grace.
When channeling this energy
you will experience
a profound sense of effortlessness
and a deep well of patience.
It's as if you could be here for all eternity
holding space for whatever may happen,
and it is all completely okay with you."

Finetuning to my Present
7:00
I sleep in Arad, I "sleep" in Shoham....will it be better in Bet Nehemia?

I already took Nella out, for it's only with me that she behaves "unconditioned".
When we came home from the restaurant and Efrat called her very softly,
she rightaway twisted her back in fear and peed all over.
What will happen, when Immanuel comes home today from Los Angeles
(after a murderous to-and fro flight within 64 hours),
for he, who is such a dog-fan - was the one who had hit her after her first peeing
(people say, this may happen in the face of all the packed cardboards around ).
In any case, I wanted to keep away from Efrat ---- at least the Nella-stress---


Having gone through such a strong lesson concerning my eating patterns,
I now want to have a closer look at the recurring discomfort with
"Let's go to a restaurant!"
It is clear to me, that in this situation I'm cast into the role of triggering Efrat:
"It's never fun to go out with you, you always have something to criticize",
was the absolutely absurd sentence, which yesterday opened my eyes to this fact.
It's a projection of her own critical attitude towards restaurants in general
(since Immanuel is such a great chef,
and also writes a review about restaurants around here for Efrat's newspaper,
which means, the meal for the couple is for free.
The first time they had invited me - also for free, but since for this
I would have had to stay with them for another day , I had the strength to say "no"
- regretting it later, when they praised every detail of the dinner.
After all I'm so fond of food, that I'm judging it as "gluttony").
But before I'll relate to the general question,
if I should be a victim of someone else's need to cast me into a trigger,
I'll describe, what happened, so I can learn about my own role,
for I'm not free of patterned feelings in this situation either.

My first reaction to 'Let's eat outside' is always joy!
It's not something usual in my life - and never was - to be invited to "go out",
and if I ever invited someone else, it did not happen more than once or twice.
So, yes, I love to eat, I love being invited, I love the togetherness while eating.
But since it's hard for me at home, when Efrat rarely eats together with me,
I feel triggered, when even in a restaurant I have sit across a non-eating Efrat.
Also - after the restaurant lesson last time
I was on the alert to not let her order for me
and order myself only what and what little my still sensitive stomach wanted to eat.
But ! when a trigger needs to be "staged", then a trigger will be staged!

8:14
How sweet was the farewell from Mika and Efrat in the parking-lot downstairs
(I helped E. with heaps of cleaning utensils
she wants to bring to the man who'll clean the house at Bet-Nehemia today) ,
but only because it was preceded by E's harsh reproach of Mika's ugly "m-m"
i.e. sounds of rejection, when I suggested to help her with her sandals,
since she - watching her favorite program on TV - wasn't concentrated enough.
It's admirable, how E. - so gentle with her daughter - is able to convey to her,
that she has overstepped her boundaries,
and it's admirable, how Mika is able to "understand", that she has done just that,
and not only straighten herself out, as we say in Hebrew,
but make up for her behavior by being particularly sweet.

Back to the scene in the restaurant:
Before I could carry out my previous decision to ask for the card and choose,
Efrat suggested, that we take "the meal for a couple", and though I protested,
"it will be too much for me", I succumbed to her argument why this was alright. But then it started: "what do you want as first dish, soup or salad of leaves?"
"Maybe salad" (thinking that it's 'healthy', not thinking of the difficulty to chew it and definitely not thinking of my experience, that E. eats only her husband's salads) but if you prefer soup, it will be alright as well."
Since it was a "couple meal", we were tied to each other in our choice, how dumb!
When the one plate of salad arrived, it looked nicely, but the taste was boring
and even though we demanded a dressing, it wasn't to Efrat's liking.
"I'm so sorry", I said,
"now we have ordered something for both of us and you still don't eat!"
(suppressing what was triggered:
'even here, where you pay such a lot of money - you let me eat alone'),
"and anyway I shouldn't have ordered salad because of my teeth".
That's when she said that sentence, that it was "never" fun to go out with me,
It was also a projection of her own regret of having ordered something
she hadn't wanted from the beginning, in order to please ME.
Following some other tiny occurences in that restaurant, she said:
"I'll never come here again!"
a resentment and judgment, which was bound to create more "failures'
on the part of the restaurant.
The main dish - a fish-paia (?) - was bearable, but not more than that
and later I understood why:
all the food is not prepared on location but ordered from a company.
The only tasty dish was the dessert, at least for me.
Not so for Efrat - her "chocalate-souffle" was not nothing but a kids' birthday cake, lacking even the "white chocolate", which was supposed to be in it.
"Well, that's the proper ending for a day like this", said Efrat cynically,
"it started with Nella's peeing and it ends with 'this'" , pointing to her plate.
When she had come home from job and kindergarden, she had shared,
how difficult the day had been, - in addition to her work at the office -
so many phone-coordinations concerning moving flat and - more strenous -
concerning the fights between the previous tenant Vered, and the landlady Rachel.
And of course, the ongoing communication with Bnei-Arazim about Tomer.
I dared to say: "But why did you want to go out in the first place?"
"Because I've no strength to cook and there is nothing ready in the fridge".
[despite Immanuel's good vegetable soup and her mother's food in the freezer].
This argument has partly to do with hating cooking (with which I identify)
partly with being addicted to eating outside
- every morning she drinks coffee not at home, but at a little shop)
and partly with her constant fear of not pleasing ME,
though I had had a hot meal on that day already - a leftover of my son's cooking,
and though I could have prepared Mika's small meal with ease,
or even made a good supper for the two of us.

I forgot to stress, that I myself am triggered by the immense expenses wasted .
And this after E. told me with pleasure, how she had gotten hold of a bicycle for I., so he can use it from Bet-Nehemia to Shoham, in case the car is with her,
and do something about his overweight and high blood pressure:
"I can't affort 1000 NIS now", she said to her boss
and within 2 days he arranged a bicycle from someone who had "upgraded" himself It's something I have gotten used to:
when it comes to big, but necessary expenses, they feel "they can't afford it".
But to throw away a quarter of what a new bike would have cost
for a non-festive dinner at a restaurant - even if the food had been excellent -
this is one of those things, which need my "wombing" without judging.

By having gone through these tedious details,
I've spared myself the need to analyze.
I simply KNOW now, that this is the kind of situations, which I cannot avoid.
I cannot say next time when she or they'll say: "let's go out":
"Please spare me the potentially triggering situation,
potentially triggering for you even more than for me."
Their fear of my judging - even if in reality I am lenient and serene and wombing - will stage the trigger by hook and by crook.
But rejecting the invitation will not only trigger, it will make bitter.
There is a terrible, not yet healed example in my life, which I may tell later....

Therefore : I'll go along with "potentially triggering, but unavoidable" proposals
and not only in the case of restaurants!
There might be the following helpful rules:
- I let go of resistance and fear and open myself to the excitement of the challenge!
- I feel my feelings and move them and I'm aware of my judgments and release them!
- I relate with a sense of humor to the situation from the beginning to the end
- I refrain from burdening others with expressing my concern and caring for them
("if I had known, that you don't like salad, I wouldn't have ..." etc.)
I don't know the English idiom for the German:
"gute Miene zum boesen Spiel machen", "to make a good face to a bad game",
in Hebrew we say right out: 'play it!'
It could be a very good training in "SO WHAT!", i.e. not taking things so seriously.
After all - even the situation yesterday - wasn't so bad
and usually wouldn't have demanded such work on my part,
if I had learnt already to cope with tiny situations as easily as with big situations.
By the way, I didn't eat more than I felt was good for Body,
and I could tolerate, that most of the salad was thrown away,
[only the pie was saved for me in a box, and half of the cake I packed in a napkin].
And from now on:
When invited: "Let's go out to eat!" I'll respond: "Yes, wonderful, let's go out!"
(breathing: "what waste of money!", breathing: "I fear to trigger you", breathing...)

song of the day

THOU who comest from on high,
Who all woes and sorrows stillest,
Who, for twofold misery,
Hearts with twofold balsam fillest,
Would this constant strife would cease!

.....