hodayot [thanksgivings] for today

9:04

My Body, my Partner, my God
I am grate-full for a wonderful 7 hours sleep and soft awakening,
and for the ability of our legs to jump up and stomp,
when a cramp in a leg woke us up in the night,
as it happens sometimes.
Thanks to the people who dealt with this problem on the Internet,
though they don't seem to know, that the excruciating pain doesn't pass,
unless I step, tread and stomp on the floor.

I'm grate-full for having an entire week ahead of me,
here in my castle in Arad,
during which nothing is "scheduled",
no visit, no assignment [except for work in the garden], nothing to repair.
If my Higher Self hasn't planned an experience,
be it for pleasure, be it for a lesson,
I should be able to flow smoothly with my creating on K.is.s.-log
(instead of always being "behind" with "completing" a page),
and to finally learn the new versions of creating websites and editing sound.

While still in bed, I was finetuning to two experiences yesterday,
the first - the comparison between the 11 year old girl in "Emma's Shadow"
and me, Christa and Rachel and even Christa-Rachel,
before and after the age of 11.....
the second - my bragging in front of Ofir and Meital,
when I came to pay my rent for March.
I'll start with this one, since it's easier and shorter:
[13:00: easier and shorter? another !]

I want to "hide in your face"!

Usually there is little talking between me and my landlords.
They are shy, and I want to keep my distance,
as I do with concern not only to "new" people, but even to old friends,
so as to guard my holy lonesomeness.
In "Emma's Shadow" it's said twice: "One should not tell too much!"
I want to trace my deviation from my own principle:

Meital: "Will you be in Arad next Tuesday?
There will be a performance of "Yuval, Ha-mevulbal" for children
and I would like to buy you a ticket and send you there with our kids.
You would see people, you would see children, you would enjoy it."

I didn't tell Meital - yet another time - that I am not lonely,
and coming in physical touch with people in pool, bus, train, is already too much.
I did refer to the kindness of her caring,and her invitation (see Chanuka!)
"Oh, I'm really sorry,
that exactly on Tuesday afternoon I've to go to Shoham again,
I know that actor "Yuval, the confused-one" from a DVD of Mika,
and I really would have enjoyed a performance together with your kids,
I even could - for a change - travel later at night, but..."

And that's where - out of the need to apologize and express my true regret -
I deviated from "not telling too much".
I stress: at first it was a need to please, but then it was a need to brag.
The first I can accept, the second has to be dealt with now - severely.

The real excuse was, that during the rest of this month
I am supposed to be at Shoham only once, and only for 3 nights,
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, March 11-14,
and that on the day of my arrival,
Immanuel would fly to NY not around 22:00 as usual, but around 20:00,
which means, that nobody will fetch me from the trainstation,
I'll have to wait for the last bus and arrive so late,
that I'll miss both Mika and Efrat,
and if the Benot-Mitzva-Activity
(when shall I find a name for it? - 2008_03_06- I found it : "The Living Water Workshop!")
will be on Wednesday morning, they'll fetch me already at 7:30
and I won't be with Mika and Efrat even in the morning.
I felt, that Efrat would feel deserted and betrayed:
'there you come only for 3 nights this month,
and then you are busy with other people and activities
for an entire evening and an entire morning.'
I felt, that after what we had gone through those last days,
it would be especially important to give all those hours to Efrat and Mika only.

But since I couldn't explain all this,
and still wanted Meital to feel good about her initiative,
I fell into the trap of telling them about the Benot-Mitzva-activity.

"Let me tell you, that there is something new I'm about to do!"
[Is there a need to prove, I'm 'DOING' something, after all????]
"You may know, that my daughter lives at Modi'in,
she has four children~~"

"Your daughter? Why doesn't she ever come here?"

That was the first trap, from which I managed to escape:
"That's a story. But she has been here once, to bring the kids."
"Then do send us photos!"
"Well, I've changed my e-mail to Gmail and need your address again."
Ofir was interested in Gmail and we talked about technical things.

There it was, the interruption, the chance, the reminder from some angel:
'stop! don't go on talking or telling! stop!'
But I didn't listen, the momentum of "showing myself" now carried me away.
And so I led them back to my theme: my "doing" at Modi'in.
I even combined it - without their knowing -
with somehow responding to the question:
"Why doesn't your daughter ever come here?"

It was, of course, a pathetic attempt to justify myself indirectly
for what may be interpreted as my fault after all:
that my daughter does not feel at ease with me
and therefore still wants to stick to our agreement 4-5 years ago,
that we would not be in a relationship for the time being.
And this is, how may pain (I thought, it was healed?????) crept into my story:

"One of my daughter's children is Yael, she will be Bat-Mitzva this year,
as 12 other girls of her age-group in her Democratic School at Modi'in."

If , at least, I had given only the dry information:
"I was asked to help the girls with connecting to their Jewish heritage."

But no! I needed to take advantage of the chance to do both:
justify myself and brag!

Looking at this so closely
(I thought, sculpting the story would take a few lines,
and now I'll hardly finish it, before I must run off to the morning-pool)
I'm stunned !
How do feelings find their secret way into expression?
Feelings I thought were healed (the relationship with my daughter),
needs I thought were gone (being "somebody" in the world!)
I can only say this English term again: it's absolutely pathetic!

So right after the above info about Yael and the School I said,

"My daughter says, that I am the best teacher of Bible in the world!"
And - startled by having voiced so extreme a statement - added to it:
"And indeed, I am truly the best teacher of Bible in the world!"
stressing "in the world"!
"And that's why she proposed, that the School ask me to volunteer..."

"Why volunteer?" this was Meital's chance to escape
what may have been her own uneasiness about my bragging,
- she is constantly worried about my "poverty".

"Because I'm not making "my Torah a hoe to dig with!"
looking at Ofir in the hope he would know this quote from Israel's Sages.

The content of the bragging was based on information from Efrat:
In the frame of her apology about the "Grandma-Day-Trigger",
she also told me, that Ronnit had called her ("for what purpose really?"),
and said, that the children had enjoyed grandma-day,
and that Yael, her friends and Deqel had enjoyed the activity.
"My mother really is the best teacher of Bible in the world,
she could have made millions, if she knew how to handle business."

Though I wondered, why on earth Ronnit seems to believe,
that "making millions" had even been or would ever be a goal of mine,
I felt proud, and more important: I felt soothed:
she at least still appreciates me and even tells so to other people.

But back to my deviating from my principle of being "hidden in your face"
I can forgive myself the bragging,
but what about the possible consequences of my "telling too much":
that "the world" will come to me again and ask me "to teach"?

I do not want to teach!
I do not want to go through the panic before having to conduct an "activity"!
When fear cannot be avoided, I know what to do with it.
And if I - still! - deemed it important,
to "help" people or children with what I can give,
I would take my fear along WITH ME on the path to my purpose.
But since my goal is nothing but
"Healing myself into Wholeness - and as a hologram - healing all of Creation,"
I do not deem teaching important any longer,
not important enough to make me cope with my fear.
My only criterion of having taken this assignment was:
My daughter trusts me to render something to her daughter.
This trust I do not want to disappoint.

But to go around and tell or write people that I "do" something?
NOOOOOOOOO!
If that info should be important "for the World",
it will reach it without my "doing, telling" anything
except for talking to myself on my website.

Finetuning to my Present

I want to face people
like "Emma" [s.yesterday], like Mika (not yet 27 months old!)!

I rarely allow myself to watch a program on TV during the day.
But needing to rest more, after my strenuous journey from Shoham to Arad,
and since I haven't seen a movie, leave alone a good one, for many weeks,
I checked, if "by chance" the regular Monday afternoon movie on 3 SAT
was of any interest for me.
It was - even on first sight of the first image of the first scene -
and after the 95 minutes had passed,
I sat there on my mattrass - delighting in the full-filling feeling,
of having taken part in an extraordinary drama.
[To see a Danish film was interesting in itself, though I hate dubbed talking.]

As much as I searched on the Internet,
I didn't find anybody who was moved by what I was moved:
the "standing-up-to people" of Emma, the girl, the child,
and her teaching this "standing-up-to" to Malthe, the man, the grownup.
Indeed, nobody explained the title of the movie in Danish and English:
"Emma's Shadow"
while the German title -"An Extraordinary Kidnapping"- spoiled it altogether.
What I perceived in this wording, was:
Malthe - with his subservience and servility -
is the shadow of Emma's imperiousness,
bossing her servants around etc.
But!
Instead of domineering him, as his servile behaviour calls for,
she feels called to teach him how to stand up for himself,
and she herself learns to shed the shadowy aspect of her self-confidence,
which expressed as haughtiness, acting as a princess and bossing around.


"Warum laesst du dir alles gefallen?" she asks him,
["why do you let everybody override you, trample on you?"]
when she sees how people around him treat him,
be they his so-called "comrades" in the sewage-plant,
or women in his neighborhood.
And he in turn, when he does the most daring things to "rescue "her,
from what she had made him believe were her persecuters,
he withstands all her efforts to stop his crazy acting,
by saying: "Didn't you want me to learn,
mir nicht mehr alles gefallen zu lassen?"

Watching Emma I was constantly reminded of Mika.
During those last days - not before! -
I saw her developing this power of "standing-up-to" ,
in this case to her mother, to whom she said, for instance:
"at ko'eset?" "are you angry?"
this she said before,
but now she expanded this question into a challenge:
"lama at ko'eset?" "Why are you angry?"
or even into a strong statement:
"at LO ko'eset!" "You are NOT angry!"

It was so amazing, that I said to Efrat:
"I can see, that she will be compensating
for the creeping, crawling servility of her grandma."

"But she also has a mother, who----"

"Of course!
Just imagine,
I would have answered back my mother or my husband
with these words and this voice!
I wouldn't be here with you now!"

"Or you would!
You could have changed them by answering back!"

"This is also true, but now I'll never find out anymore."

1941, a 3 year old with her shadow...






1944, first day in school,
a good girl,
whose self-esteem had been trampled down

My "Identity" - Card since 1964