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COMMUNICATIONS
WITH DEITY
last: 2002_05_19 ~~~ next: 2002_06_16
2002_06_02; linked to pp5
Oh Mother, what's the matter with me.
How can anyone understand such bizar reactions
to what everyone, including me,
considers the most beautiful things that can happen to someone.
I mean the part in me, that does not want to
be with anyone
the part that wakes up in the morning and hopes I'll be alone all day.
Of course the moment I become aware of this "absurd"
hope
[how can I refrain from judging it?]
I not only know, but also feel,
that being alone all the time would be unbearable
In fact, I've come to like the routine with the
little kids,
and the daily hour with Tomer isn't 'disturbing' anymore.
But I'm deeply shocked, ashamed, full of guilt and very frightened
when my first FEELING towards a friend's wish to visit me is:
"I'd prefer you not to come."
This even happens sometimes with my children,
but I can't write this, I'm just dying with shame and fear.
Fear, that they would be taken away from me,
I already had such a dream about one of them tonight.
It's easier to talk about the recurring experience
with friends.
Since I've made an agreement with my friends,
that at this time of my life
I don't want a relationship with anyone
except with my "circle of loving dependence",
which in my case is my family,
my friends keep at a distance.
But every now and then one of them still wants to see me.
This occurred now with my young friend Merav and her baby,
conceived, born and raised under difficult circumstances.
Of course, one part of me was very happy to see her
and to get to know that strongminded miniature human.
But another part didn't want her to come,
and this part got stronger, while she was here.
While one part enjoyed her presence and her beauty,
her thinking, her sensitivity and her stamina etc etc.
I, who once was such a good listener,
I got tired after a short time,
as I always do whenever someone talks and I have to sit.
Sheer sitting has been a torture for me for a long time.
I either walk or dance or work physically
or kneel at my computer in a disciplined way of thinking or playing
or I must lie flat in some way.
I don't understand these two phenomena,
not being able to sit, and not being able to listen,
unless, yes unless
the other person has a clear purpose in telling or talking,
which challenges me to focus
and to respond in a focused way.
Just to sit and chat, I can bear only for a certain time.
Another aspect of this becoming tired by unfocused
communication
is my being deterred of reading, reading anything at all
unless it's the Bible, Godchannel, or another concise, focused message.
I force myself to skip through the two of the three local newspapers,
because amidst the heap of ads and municipal quarrels
there sometimes is a good informative article.
like the one about fatness.
Yes, this is another phenomenon,
with rare exceptions, I've no patience to read or listen to "opinions".
It's like I have had it all.
There is nothing new, no point of view, I haven't seen before.
I can understand that with concern to reading,
after all this torture of having to read so much,
while being able to read only so slowly.
But now the same happens even with cable television.
This is just beyond anything I can grasp.
I had such little chance to see movies in my life, either in a cinema or on
TV,
and though I didn't miss TV in all the 16 years of my wanderings,
I longed to see a movie once or twice a year.
Now I have the possibility to see at least two good movies a week,
if I would care to inquire.
In the first ten months of having a TV in this rented, furnished flat,
I used it and enjoyed it.
Now, even this longing seems to have been calmed
and the only thing I still see on TV are the news,
and even those tire me so fast, that I always skip between 3-4 channels.
In fact, I open TV only, when I need to lie down for some time, to rest.
Sometimes a doccumentary catches my attention, but rarely to the end.
Even films with gorgeous nature sites cannot glue my attention for long.
What IS the Matter with me?
Being a passive consumer has always been a problem for me.
I always wanted to DO, to be active and creative.
But then I overdid DOING in such a way,
that my phantasy was for many years,
to either be ill in hospital, so that no one would expect any doing from me,
or at least to finish work at eight a o' clock
and have some quiet hours with just hearing music and reading.
I've fulfilled both phantasies:
No one expects anything from me,
except being with the kids, whenever needed,
which does not pressure me in the least,
and I've not only evenings,
but sometimes all day to read and hear music.
Except that I don't like to read nor to hear music,
unless it can be transformed into a new creation.
The only thing that I really desire,
is to work on my site, both with my left and my right brain,
and to work physically on my path and my figtrees
How can I understand myself?
How can I accept these bizzare feelings?
Thank you for listening to me through this lengthy question.
Jokingly: "Unlike
you I don't get tired,
and shortness or lengthiness are not relevant for me,
as you might imagine.
So how are you there for everyone who wants that,
at one and the same time?
Is it something that's possible for me too?
"I feel, that
you cannot yet listen to an answer,
you must move these feelings to see what's behind them.
Take this month,
like you took the last month for "Cain",
and also for learning so many new things.
Observe this craving,
the craving to be free to choose
what you do in every moment.
"For this is
part of what's behind your difficulty,
when you need to be receptive towards an
article or towards a person.
Like a child, who cannot focus on one thing for a long time,
but needs to jump around physically and from activity to activity.
"And when they
invite a friend or go to a friend,
they don't sit there and talk for more than a moment.,
They do things together."
OK, Mother, now that I've opened the problem
with you,
I feel a bit relieved and ready to trace it into depth.
"Try to be aware
of me, while you do that,
try to be without judgment,
just watch a phenomenon, actively, focused,
as you like to be and do.
"And feel all there is to feel."
Oh! I've recorded this sentence several times
yesterday,
it's on my second homepage.
This is much better than saying : Feel totally.
"You see, you
already gained something this morning!"
