hodayot [thanksgivings] for today

8:39
My Body, my Partner, my God
I give thanks to the perfect functioning of our digestion.
Even when we attract a strong diarrhea, as we did this week,
it hardly hurts and it hardly weakens us.
I give thanks for the flow of our "sewage", not pausing even during sleep,
since the very need to pee/shit regularly - always forces me
to "take a break" , " a time out" - to become aware of the present moment!

I am grate-full for the realization of yesterday's intention.
I am grate-full for the two ventilators at home,
a small one next to my computer, which I once bought cheaply myself,
and a huge on, given to me from their own flat by Uri, my son-in-love,
when I began to live in a "normal flat" at Modi'in, in July 2001.
I'm grate-full to "Ezriel", my equipment angel, who towards this summer
let me discern a wooden cubic box among the garbage bins outside,
- once made for what purpose??-
which became the perfect, safe, space-saving stand for Uri's vent.

"Driving Backward into the Future" = "Closeups to the Past" = Healing&Harvesting my Past

At 22:20 - Shabbat Eve ! - I wanted to check, if there was anything on Channel 1.
The very first image caused me to recognize, that it was an old movie,
one of the few movies I saw in the sixties, and perhaps the first Israeli movie at all.

Ha-Matzor
with Gila Almagor, Yoram Gaon [both born in 1939,very much alive & famous]
and Dan Ben-Amotz (1924-1989) - [grief came up, when I saw him now...]
Matzor - Il Siege - 1969 (in German)
Matzor - Wikipedia

Story of war-widow ...
and the journey she takes in a country of people under siege

A widow struggles to buck tradition
and tries to find a new life in this Israeli drama.
Tamar lost her husband to the Six Day War,
and now wants to put her pain in the past and find a new love. Unfortunately, her late husband's friends and family insist
that she adhere to the old customs by remaining in mourning
for the rest of her life to keep his memory alive

My memory of the movie has to do with my dead brother:
He and his wife visited us in July 1969 for 7 weeks, with their car.
They left their 2 small children at home and Heidi died with longing.
They came with us to Tel-Aviv to see this movie in Hebrew.
I don't know what happened, but my husband made one of his terrible scenes,
in this case directed against my brother, and I died with pain and shame.
In February 1970 Eberhard was killed in a car accident,
while having his flight ticket in his pocket:
"I yearn for you", he had written..."Spaete Bruderliebe?"

The only specific scene in the movie, that imprinted itself in my memory, was,
how Gila Almagor stood on a chair to replace a bulb, which no longer worked,
a scene which obviously signified, that this was a man's job, but there was no man.
It imprinted itself probably, because my own husband made it clear:
"You want to be a liberated woman? [I'd never claimed that!!]
So you do all the handiwork in the house that a man would do."
In those early years this made me often bitter,
but how would I - without that training - managed later with bus and Succah?

and your light will rise in the darkness,
and your gloom will become like the noonday.

...
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.

After we had exhausted the small Garden of the Seven Species
we walked over to the vast Hevel-Park.

Finetuning to my Present
(Not yet edited!)

When we sat down on the veranda,
the four of us who had wanted to undertake the "RedSeaTour"
(See this "code" from May 28 onward)
I began with sharing my mistakes
Still, I did not succeed in avoiding the "Blaming Game", at least not with Rotem,
who came up with old wounds, like:
"When I sang to the guitar, which she had started playing at that time (2005),
you said, my singing was not good."
During the following hours we had several chances to "work things out",
or more exact I had the chance to show her,
that after all we were so similar, that she could see herself in my mirror,
and as long as she didn't really accept herself, this wasn't a pleasant experience.
I repeated several times:
"You must stick to the knowledge, that you chose me as an actor in your drama."
I also admitted, that I'm finding it strange and painful, time and again,
that I had lost the sculpture she had made for me for my birthday in 2005,
before I had even unpacked and seen it.
[I was with several grandkids and in addition to the equipment for them,
I burdened myself with many discarded things from my children,
which I wanted to bring to that needy Bedouin-boy, that shepherd,
[who - as turned out later - had badly lied to me about his identity and I felt betrayed]:
Somebody drove us from Mazkeret Batya to the bus to Beersheva,
and since there was time until the bus would arrive, or so I thought,
I started to improve on the packing, which before had to be done in a hurry.
But what never ever happens! the bus arrived before time,
and what never happened to me either: it was so crowded,
that only with some whining: "See all these kids!", could we get in.
But - when we all came to Arad - the gift from Rotem was gone!
And I hadn't even seen the sculpture wrapped in pretty paper!

"It was not the only thing from you I lost", I reminded her now.
"Remember that I sculpted a page about you on my website,
and it was the only page, that ever got deleted by mistake.
Though I made another , I could retrieve only part of the first one."

When I mentioned these two stories as something I cannot understand until this day,
I wanted so much to tell her some contrary experiences between us,
but at that moment I could not remember any of them!
One story is about our common visit of Efrat's Ma'alot Festival in 2002
and another is about a small incident, but one that is immensely significant for me:
When she visited me in the desert in March 2005 -
I think it was after I had moved my tent out of Rakhaf -
or perhaps when she visited me in October 2004?
No, this can't be, for it was only in October, that the drama with Samira's family began,
and the decision to bring the family those models,
as a symbol that they were supposed to be the pioneers of Mobile Hosting Enterprises,
was taken by me several months later.
I walked down the path from Rakhaf to Samira's - 1 hour - and when I arrived,
the tents were not to be found in my backpack.
And who found them, without even knowing that and where I'd lost them?
Rotem!

After having shot this scene,
Rotem came up to me :
"Look what a picture!"

I am amazed,
that she sees perspectives
I would never have seen!

It was like that
even when she was 9 years old!