hodayot [thanksgivings] for today
9:04
My Body, my Partner, my God
I give thanks to you for your past insistence to stay alive
despite the many attacks of my death-wish,
I thank you for giving me the reminder of my finger,
which lacks a sinew and the nerves of which are so exposed,
that I can't even allow the adjacent finger to touch it,
and therefore place both fingers in a certain position to prevent this.
But yesterday I somehow sat down on the toilet with that finger underneath
and typing, for instance, has become painful.
Now I see it was to stage a contrast
reminding me of my almost death by electricity at the age of 15,
and the growing happiness of all of us yesterday night.

Mika had cooperated so marvellously during Shabbat-dinner and after that
but at 10 PM when she went to bed after all,
T. and I walked out into the night with Nella,
and if these nightly outings bring out the best in my starchild T. usually,
this time his intense questioning [my own questions were rarely answered]
(like: "do you think "it's good to die for our country" and I say:
"every self-sacrifice-haqravah-atzmit results in more sacrifices qorbanot".
he repeated that slowly, was stunned and thought of applications),
led to:"Have you ever seen me so happy?" and covering up:
"that's because you and Nella get on my nerves". And a little later:
"I've stopped smoking, I am free"
Stupefied I said: "Why?" and "how can I believe you?"
"Do you see any grilles around my body [that imprison me]?"
nor do I want to waste so much money on cigarettes any longer."
("Where did you get the money from?" No answer. That night I believed him.....April 2)

Finetuning to my Present

"What kind of weather is that! It's hazy, as they said,
but it's cold, not hot as they said,
what business do we have going to the sea!"


It was difficult for me, and probably not only for me,
to be exposed to this constant searching for flaws.
Little did I know, that this strong opposition to going to the beach
would culminate the next morning in the most triggering statement:
"Mika kholah be-terouf" - Mika is madly sick,
though her thin cough wasn't worse than the days before.

But even then my fright grew and a pattern went into action:
As I've learnt long ago - people can have very nice patterns,
but a pattern is an automatic reflex, developed in past situations,
and does not suit the situation at hand,
leave alone does it finetune into its specific intricacies.
I tried to make everybody feel at ease and have fun,
at least the three of us on the backseat, Mika, Tomer and me.
Though not yet moody, T. became quiet and so became Mika.
Both retreated into themselves more and more.
I tried to flow with them , BUT!
Since E. looked back at her daughter ever so often,
with a loving expression that asked for love in return,
two other patterns in me were stirred up:
one - another person wants go give something, but it is not received.
I feel hurt for that person,
be this a projection of my own "Cain" or be the person truly hurting,
and I try to somehow manipulate both,
the giver and the one meant to receive.
The other pattern:
I'm afraid, E. might blame me for not amusing her daughter.

All the three - unconscious - patterns together:
calming tension, caring for E's "Cain", being a "good grandma",
urged me to pull Mika out of her contemplative state into "having fun".
She indeed started to sing, when the CD reached a song she loved.
Her mother was encouraging her by her own voice and by looking at her,
and what did I do?
Instead of being content with the harmony during these moments,
I remembered that since long I wanted to record Mika's sweet singing,
I defined "recorder" on my cell-phone and held the device close to her mouth.
She shoved it away, but even then I did not grasp what I was doing.
The song was over, and I did the same with the next song,
and again Mika shoved the cellphone away.
This time even my son got angry: "You are disturbing her, can't you see that?"
I felt ashamed, closed the cellphone and kept quiet for some time.
[See "Song of the Day" on the bottom of April 8]

Then there was another scene, the content of which I forgot.
But I still feel the sting in my heart, when E. uttered harshly:
"Leave her alone!"
for in this case it was not a matter of needing to leave her alone.

It's only now - seeing the entire process - that I understand,
why I was hurt so much, that I could hardly swallow it.
My conscious , forceful "intention" in the morning,
together with the dictate of those unconscious patterns
made me literally "hyper-active" and counteracting my slogan:
haee zminah, al tizmee - be available, don't initiate.
Worse, I swallowed my hurt , instead of breathing it at least,
and thus prepared my explosion 4 hours later....

As if these enormous patterns
- of needing to harmonize between people,
- of needing to make the Cain in people be received,
of been righteous -
[in this case to live up to what I project as E's expectations from grandma],
were not enough stumbling-blocks
on the path to realizing this morning's "Intention".
--- I can be triggered by a tiny: "Leave her alone!"
and I swallow, i.e. push into denial, what should be vibrated!

In real time, of course, I was not aware of any of this.
I only desired - desperately - to make E. accept,
that we all came to the "Palmachim-Beach",
to enjoy our togetherness,
to enjoy the meeting between the children,
to enjoy the sand and the sea.
So when we had arrived and parked the car, and E. mumbled;
"It's so cold, we'll stay here only for a short while",
I feared, that nothing of what I and the others would enjoy,
would please her,
and this fear added another layer of fuel,
which 4 hours later would explode.


I must go back to two earlier incidents,
which probably came to bear on E's unhappiness.
(1)
When on Thursday evening I received a letter from Arnon and answered him,
I "mentioned", that I would stay at Shoham over the weekend,
and that we planned to go to the sea ~~~ "maybe we meet?"

I did this with great fear, traumatized by the volcano outbreak
when E. learnt that I had sent word of the possibility of a "Grandma-Day"
- on a weekend, on which nobody would be at Shoham except for me.
On the other hand, knowing that E. wants Ayelet as playmate for Mika,
I thought, that the beach would be a harmless, non-burdening opportunity for this.
But again, I hadn't asked Efrat, if the idea appealed to her,
before I sent word to Arnon.

This, too, is one of my old, old patterns:
to arrange something "for the good of all", without asking "all" before,
since I'm so afraid, that silly reactions, i.e. unaware, unhealed feelings,
may destroy the very chance I want to provide for everyone concerned.

So, when Micha called Shabbat Eve in order to coordinate our meeting at the beach,
E. exclaimed: "OHO! Now I understand,
why you were so adamant about going to the sea,
when I said, that we might not go after all, if it will not be warm enough."
Unusual for her, who has an excellent memory for what people say,
she distorted my wording as if I had been determined to override everybody.
I felt frightened, when she said that, and even now, I shiver with fright.

And though nothing went wrong "directly" with the meeting between the 2 families,
except that Ayelet - maybe - did not play long enough with Mika,
but turned to playing a ball-game with her brother or drawing in the sand,
I now count this unagreed arrangement among all my other errors.
Later I imagined:
If Arnon hadn't been there,
I wouldn't have walked with him to that bay
and stayed away for over an hour
and come back much too late for all three, I. and E. and Mika,
- would that shameful scene have been avoided?
Or would Mika's cough the next morning not be blamed on the "cold sea"?
And my answer was: No! On the contrary!
For I would probably have taken T. to that bay!
I would - just as I did with Arnon - have tried to call to stay in touch,
and not have reached them and said:
"If they don't answer, it's their problem",
and not cared,
something which "happens" to me only,
when I'm near water or in the water or up on a rock.
More than once in my life did I worry people to death
or strain their patience until they exploded.

(2)

I'm still not done with my flashbacks.
A much more severe incident happened,
while I was washing the dishes of breakfast
and I. and E. organized what we had to take with us to the beach.
E. got a call from her mother,
the kind of call which was the last thing needed on this morning,
a call of anger and pain about E's brother
concerning the brother's daughter who was with her grandparents.
I do not understand, why I was driven to react after the call:
"You tell your parents to let go and to no longer care,
you've told them this millions of times,
but you yourself, why did you need to take such a talk today?"

"They are my parents after all!"

"You, you have taught me,
that children are allowed to share their sorrows with their parents,
but parents are not allowed to share their sorrows with their children."

"What can I do, they have nobody but me."

I cannot tell here, what "is wrong" with this brother of E.,
but the "living example", brought to her attention daily,
is a major reason for E's projecting what "is wrong" with T.

I'll let this page take a break and enjoy the scenes
which were truly enjoyable despite what loomed in the underground.

To take one shot after the other
allows me to see movement and interaction in slow motion.
Like the composition of waves approaching and receding
changes from moment to moment,
thus the scene with one of my sons and two of my grandsons,
keeps changing.