hodayot [thanksgivings] for today

9:04
My Body, my Partner, my God
I give thanks to your dolphin nature of swirling, swinging in water,
thus helping me to move, vibrate, breathe every pain in you, Body,
and free the constricting cramps of patterns & judgments in Feeling.

I give thanks to my mother, who in times of excruciating hardship
(evacuated , alone with 3 small kids, her soldier husband missed>dead),
utilized the pond - at not too far a distance from our shelter-village -
to teach me to swim,
while asking me to trail behind her, clasping her loins with my hands.
And later, back in the city - when there was hardly money for food,
ordered us to walk 1 hr to the summer pool, to & fro, no money for tram
[unaware, that we had to pass under bridges, where men exhibited their cocks],
and later, when a covered pool opened, she made us benefit from that too.

last communication next communication
see in

"and walking humbly with your God" [ Micah 6:8]

After the Shabbat break I'm yearning to talk to you!


"So am I!"

I haven't coped very well with my self-"afflicted" assignment, have I?
I slipped back into feeling dumb and unable to grasp technical things,
and the rest of energy I wasted on blaming that tutor of "Audition 2.0"
for not teaching the skills that an amateur needs, but assuming I know.
And instead of breathing, moving and sounding those blocking feelings,
I became stubborn/obsessive & continued to study those "bad" lessons.


"All this is exact and I'm grate-full that you are so aware of it!
'The way is the goal!' and since you set up yesterday's routine
not as a one-time exercise, but as a way to live every Shabbat,
- I quote you - "on which no events or people are expected " -
you'll have plenty of opportunities to full-fill your intention.
And now, please give me feedback to the input I sent you!"



Yes, this was of amazing help and comfort.
When I came back from the noon-pool and as usual opened TV,
while preparing lunch and eating it,
I walked "el Camino de Santiago", the "Jakobsweg", or James Way,
with the Austrian actor Ulrich Reinthaller,
and opened ears, mind and heart wide, when he said,
that when it became difficult (during those 800 km of walk),
and he felt "Kampfeslust", i.e. "the desire to fight",
he became cautious,
because that wasn't what his pilgrimage was about.

„Ich muss das schaffen - wenn dieser Gedanke aufgetaucht ist,
hab ich gedacht: Achtung! Weil ich muss das überhaupt nicht schaffen. Dann hab ich mir gedacht: Wie wär’s mit scheitern?
Wie wär’s, wenn ich mich hingäbe, wie wär’s, wenn ich aufgäbe?
Dann hab ich plötzlich die Kraft gemerkt,
die in dem Gedanken liegt, ich könnte aufgeben.
Mir ist klar geworden, ich will den Jakobsweg nicht erkämpfen.“

"I have to make it - when this thought appeared,
I thought: "Be careful! For I don't have to make it at all.
Then I thought: what about failing?
What would happen, if I would surrender,
what would happen, if I gave up?
And then I suddenly sensed the strength,
which is in the thought, I could give up.
It became clear to, that I don't want to fight for the James Way."

I wished I had this understanding,
when I was on my own pilgrimage in the Pyrenees.
I almost perished because I could not surrender in time....


"But now you can.
You could let go of your "big" quest, you chose "Nebo-let-go",
and yesterday - thinking of Reinthaller all the time while fighting -
you could give up, let go, without feeling defeated."


I'm not so sure about that - I did feel defeated.
But I was content, even proud, that I could let this guide me:
'What about failing? What would happen if I gave up?'
And I could identify with him in feeling the strength that comes then.

Back from the pool at 9:50
I had so many things in my mind, which I wanted to do all at once,
and then - there was an unexpected visitor -a little "flower-queen"-
Lior - li-or -to me is light, I have light, my landlords' daughter.



I was delighted to see you using that chance so well,
without judging yourself for the feeling: I would prefer to work.


But isn't that what you call "trapped Will?"


"Not, if you are aware and accepting of the ambiguity of your desires,
and ~ not "but"! ~ choose one of them wholeheartedly .
It's like with the "Spanish Pilgrimage Dilemma":
fighting or giving up?
And then, when you are aware and accepting of both choices
- not being blind to one because of a pattern called "Kampfeslust" -
you will choose what is right for you and put your heart in it. "

Don Quichotte's song, which I rehearsed on my way to the pool,
is - despite my omissions - still tricky, even dangerous.
Too much desire to fight, too much desire for self-sacrifice...


"I'm glad you see that,
but you may still allow yourself to elate in "following a quest",
be it a nano quest,
like reaching a certain degree of technical mastery in editing sound,
or be it OUR QUEST ,
which strives to cause a quantum leap in evolution:
How to live Heaven-on-Earth, feeling Full-filled,
not by being a spectator of Shakespearean dramas,
but ----
and it's our quest to conceptualize and communicate this."


Yes, this was also a relevant reminder via TV yesterday:
Shakespeare's Much Ado about nothing
I'm no longer interested in watching big dramas.
But because of the talkshow which was to ensue it,
about "Shakespeare and Love",
I also saw the movie.

"Sh. has said nothing about what happens to love after 5 years.
Because happiness is boring, you can't bring it to the stage."

I've been watching art and artists for a long time - with pain!
Isn't art also prolonging the human predicament,
for so much of art is "parasiting" on it?
Let's asume , WE reach the unreachable star,
what would art be like?

"Do you think, little Lior's decoration of your veranda table ,
her careful, artistic ordering things everywhere, is not art?
And your documenting, sculpting and composing is not art?"


It's not causing people to read it as a book,
to go to a museum to enjoy it,
to watch it as a theatre play, an opera, a movie.


Aren't people reading, watching art, calling it "entertainment",
because they are not yet able to create their own lives as art?

{Continuation tomorrow}

"What should I do?"
"That's your problem! I'll prepare my breakfast!"
"What will you eat?"
"A special porridge with 4 spices, sugar, salt, olive-oil and oats,
do you know what oats are?"
"No!"
"It belongs to same family as wheat! What do we make of wheat?
~~~ Come on, you surely learnt this in kindergarden!"
"No!"
She saw me stirring the not yet boiling porridge with a spoon.
"May I stir?"
I gave her a wooden tool, which wouldn't become too hot.
"What are these bubbles?"
"It's boiling now, let's turn off the knob!"
After a while: "It's still bubbling!"
"Yes, that's because it's an electrical plate.
With what do you cook upstairs, with gas or electricity?"
I was surprised to see, that she didn't know.
This little girl, whose curiosity and desire to explore are unbelievable,
and who knows every hidden corner in my flat, which she has hardly visited,
how come, that I embarrassed her by my question?
"Go up to your mother and ask her,
and if the answer is "gas", then ask her to show you how it works."
She went and came back: "Gas".
"So, how does it work?"
"I didn't ask. Imma is cleaning!"
"Well, I'm not making this easy for you now.
Go again and ask her to show you how gas warms up a pot."
This time she came with the answer,
and I could show her, why it's convenient to cook with gas,
and why I'm sorry, that in this room "underneath" gas is forbidden.

In the meanwhile my porridge was ready and I walked out to the veranda.
"I come with you and say the "birkat ha-mazon" - the blessing over food.
"Thank you for reminding me of the need to bless!"
I was a bit ashamed, that, when I'm alone, I do not bless aloud.
But, of course, I   f e e l   grate-full, especially after I've eaten.

She recited a rhyme so stupid in my eyes, that I said:
"Did you imagine, that I would like this one?"
"I know another one, from my former kindergarden.:"
Let's fold our hands and give thanks in our hearts:
to the earth which makes everything grow with love,
to the sun, which gives the light,
to the rain, which waters [mashkaeh] and waters [marvaeh],
and to God who creates everything anew every day.
Good appetite and a blessed meal."

"Now this one is excellent, Lior.
It's the way I taught my grandchildren to bless,
only that each one chooses just one chain of things,
and every time something else."
"How?"

"I thank for the earth which grew the oats,
I thank the people who harvested the oats,
I thank the people who turned the raw oats into "Quaker",
I thank the truck-driver who brought the Quaker to the shop,
I thank the shopkeeper who guarded the Quaker for me until I bought it
(I'm really buying this in a small, cheap shop not in Supermarkets which I hate
and it's one of the few things I buy at all, since they rarely come my way),
I could also bless the people
who worked so hard on harvesting the sugar-cane,
and so forth,"

Her mind was racing to take all this in.
.
"But now let's look at this second birkat-mazon.
I want to learn it by heart and even add a tune to it.
Except that the first and the last line don't suit me.
and I'll say "todah", "thanks", not in my heart but out loud!"

She went inside and came back with a piece of paper and a pen
(as I said: she knows every box and drawer in my crowded room).
She is only in pre-school,
but slowly draws the letters as they appear in the Bible.
I had to help her, when there was more than one possibility for a letter,
but it was delightful to see, how she listened to a word inside,
in order to know what letter was fitting the sound.
We also had a tiny lesson about the root of "marvae",
a poetic word for "saturating with water ",
which - in another form - appears in two of my biblical songs,
        
And their soul will be like a well-watered garden Jeremia 31: 11 [12]

You will be like a well-watered garden Jeremia 58:11

And as promised, in the evening I recorded a tune to Lior's song.
Thank you, little Flower-Queen!

Lior had brought me this gift,
a plate with 2 heart-shaped candle-holders.
which she had once decorated herself,
but now her mother had enough of it.
She decided that its right place was
between keyboard and my new monitor.
And indeed, recently I wondered
about the purpose of this empty space...
 

Translation of the modified song

Let's say thanks
to the earth which makes everything grow with love,
to the sun, which gives the light,
to the rain, which waters [mashkaeh] and waters [marvaeh],
and to God who creates everything anew every day.
May our meal be blessed.