The following day, May 4, 2006, there is an entry in English,
which proves, that I still wasn't done with my pain and shame:

Avi Kushnir
[Nov. 7, 2011, I still see him in the show: "Life isn't everything"
and still feel shame, every time anew...] and his enthusiasm for Zen:
instead of teaching him that I know better, and that he is denying,
I should have drawn out of him his experiences,
first in order to learn more myself,
second in order to give him the chance
to articulate himself and thus to learn more himself.

I finally gave up teaching him and instead listened to him
when we walked up the hill to see the firework of Independence Day above Arad.
But that was the moment, when I should have been with myself and with Tomer.
Instead I acted on my pattern of sacrificing myself for someone else.
I wouldn't have fallen into these two traps
teaching instead of listening
and sacrificing myself,
if right in the beginning I had gone with Tomer and Yiftach, as they wanted,
instead of "wanting to drink first".
I had water with me and if I had listened to my angel Tomer,
I would have avoided the encounter with the Kushnirs,
as well as with Ibrahim the Bedouin and - most important - with Sefi and Efi,
at least at that stage, where I forced them to relate to me.

The end of a long dream this morning was,
that in a lesson with grownups the teacher said,
I should – "at this point" – tell about Cain and Abel,
though the subject had to do with something economic.
I said:
"Well, I've never looked at this story from this perspective,
but we could do this together."
Though there were only 20 minutes left until 2 o'clock, the end of the lesson,
I left the big classroom to think for some minutes.
but when I came back,
there was no chance for my work.

This is a recurring theme in my dreams:
I'm about to teach some class or to simply say something,
and suddenly everybody is gone.
Just now I read about Rabbi Aqiba and Rabbi Shimon ben Yohai.
The latter came to prison
[persecution till death at the time of Emperor Hadrian]
to learn from the former,
but Rabbi Aqiba - afraid, that this might draw Rabbi Shimon into his calamity,
said:
"Be sure that the cow wants to give more than the calve wants to drink!"
This became a proverb in Israel up to this day.
But !!!
Rabbi Aqiba hinted at the possibility,
that Rabbi Shimon didn't need any teacher but could teach himself.

Shall I ever be able to let go of the need to teach others?
I may meet Lior Oren tomorrow or on Shabbat!
Will I be able to only guide her to her own knowing?
And my need to tell about myself,
to articulate my understandings?

Tomer, my greatest teacher - the Angel-Devil, 2001

[I read and copy this today - exactly a year later -
in the face of the demonstration on Tel-Aviv's Rabin-square
against Olmert,
demanding that he resign because of his gigantic mistakes in the last war,
the so-called "Second Libanon-War"
which was launched two months after that Day of Independence... ]

In 1993 Efrat Sar-Shalom gave workshops about
"A Course in Miracles" in "Succah in the Desert",
and it was there that she wrote that wonderful dedication into a book she gave me:
"The Only Planet of Choice" -"Essential Briefings from Deep Space"
Compiled by Phyllis V. Schlemmer & Palden Jenkins 1993

A relevant passage in that book, p. 253
Tom: We are attempting to prepare Israel for understanding.
There are more great intellects within the nation of Israel than in many lands,
but there is in truth more emotionalism of minds that are not in control -
minds that emotions control, rather than minds controlling emotion.
Because of this energy of the nation of Israel,
this planet Earth cannot move forward."
Of' course, I don't agree, that emotions have to be "controlled"
rather than moved physically and evolved,
but I tend to agree,
that it is because of us, Israel, that Earth cannot move forward)

Finally a response came from the BELOVED:

"But you will not attract them by your words and your "I know better" attitude.
So yes, you stumbled into all the old traps, and reversal will be the consequence.
Sefi and Efi will now be even more cautious of you and avoid you.
And the Kushnirs will not be keen to learn more who you are and what you stand for.

"But do not judge yourself, Mar-Yam!
What is now needed for your evolution more than anything else,
is that you abide in your hiddenness in our "Succah".
This also means, that you accept and move your constant doubting,
that you "may be wrong after all",
wrong , may be , when "doing" and actively pursuing your desert vision,
but wrong also, maybe , when "not doing"
and when missing opportunities which seem to be provided by Us.

"Haven't you been talking for decades ,
that you have to let go of security and certainty?

"Take your ancient principle as an analogy:
Parsifal and Lohengrin:
if in doubt: choose Parsifal,
i.e. it is better to ask a personal question at the wrong timing,
than to not ask when asking would be the most compassionate thing to do.

"But concerning your talking about your vision
choose Lohengrin:
when in doubt – leave it out.
Even if you miss opportunities!
Even if you may be disobedient to Us.
This will not guarantee you certainty!
But it will train you in trusting that the sprout grows by itself,
while your constant pushing makes it weak
and slows down its natural growth.

"You are afraid now, that we might suggest,
that you even stop distributing your Cave Cards,
and that – when "Yahia" will again say:
"Have you left the Cave"?
???? ?? ??????!
You'll be able to answer
– without presenting your victim-face –
"Yes - for the time being!"

Yes, I tremble imagining both – hiding the Cave-Card
and accepting people's misunderstandings , judgments
and maybe even their gloating:
dass die Verrueckte endgueltig zur Strecke gebracht ist.
[that the crazy woman is finally finished - I don't know the English slang for this]

(2)

On May 6, 2007, I discovered,
that three days after that terrible day of coping with having failed myself,
I had written a letter to Tomer.
Since it conveys the relative wholeness I reached by then, I'm inserting it here,
and - since that night at Zman-Midbar I had no camera with me -
intersperse it with photos of Tomer taken during the Pesach week, April 2007
in three different locations and situations,
with his step-sister Mika in Shoham, a town near Israel's airport,
where we were just about to celebrate Pesach by singing songs,
with his brother Alon in New-York, on a flight with his pilot father,
and at the Mediterranean in Acre, where his step-mother's parents live.

"Partnership Diary", 1977, p. 140b-153 -continued
~~~~ [first insert in Learn&Live 7, last in Closeup to my Past]

continuation