I focus my experiencing and awareness on being
"a pioneer of Evolution
in learning to feel":
I let my Body vibrate and my Heart 'womb'
pain, shame, fear, boredom, powerlessness,
so feelings can >heal >guide>fulfill>evolve,
and ~~~ offer ~~~"goldmines"~~~ to us all!!
"I
want you to feel everything, every little thing!"
K.I.S.S. -
L O G 2
0 0 8
Keep It Simple Sweetheart
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
"AZ
NIDBERU"
- My
new Midrash and song
in 5 languages
about the prophecy of Malachi
3, 16
["YHWH" is named "HA-SHEM"= The
Name]
Then those who see Ha-Shem, will talk
among each other,
and he listens and he
hears
yatakaalamuna allathina
yarau'na-hu ,
va-yusri va-yasma'
Dann die IHN schauen, werden reden miteinander,
und er lauscht und er
hoert
Puis ceux qu'ils voient Ha-Shem, se parlent
l'un a l'autre
il entends,
il ecoute
It seems that I chose 26 actors
for my life's drama and those 26 actors chose me! One
common trait of all roles is "mutual dependency"
between them and me.
With 16 actors - my family - the mutual
dependency is life-long! With my landlords
at Arad & with my
6 starchildren, born
between 1986-88, it may be temporary. My children: Immanuel, Ronnit, Micha; my
children-in-love: Efrat, Uri, Ra'ayah; my 10 grandchildren [born
1987-2005): Elah-Alon-Tomer-Mika; Jonathan-Rotem-Yael-Itamar;
Arnon-Ayelet
My landlords: Ofir & Meital+ Lior (2002) & Amit (2005).
My starchildren: Lior Oren, Zipi Winkler , Dina Strat , Meshi
Taib, Gal Mor, Boris Arons [26=YHWH=13+13=ahavah+ahavah =LOVE!]
Actions:
Kisslog: healing-creating
TV & Internet: learning
Washing dishes,
Playing w. Mika,
putting her to sleep,
To Chanuka-celebration
of Mika's kindergarden
Interactions:
w. Efrat & Mika e-mail
Moshe>,
Levi ><, twice Rotem><
ph. from Lior Oren: Dead Sea?
ph.to Ofir: watering?
kindergarden people: Mummy Rachel, Adi & Yoav, watching
18 kids +mother, fathers
The
Song: We came to accept darkness!
In us there is light and shade!
Each one is a little candle,
and together we are a strong light!
It is God who creates light & darkness
["creates" instead of last year's "created"] With
both we are whole
The FOCUS of MY INTENTION
on the first day of Chanuka I desire to heighten
the flame of this morning's "Chanuka-gift". The waking-up
feelings were all grey to black - mostly connected to two
experiences yesterday -
(a) the "phenomenon of love-less-ness" in my own
family, which caused me such grief
(b) the demonstration of hatred and denial in the Big Brother
Aftermath, exemplary for humankind,
It seemed that not a single light could pierce the greyness
- despite Body's
strong breathing & moving, And then, when I - in
hearing the sweet morning chatter between Efrat & Mika
- got up from bed & opened the shutters,
I suddenly felt up---lifted - like that creature, which after
millions of years of evolution, was the first to step on land
!!!
I could en-joy and de-light in the very ability, capacity,
capability, skill ~~~to FEEL all that I was & had been
FEELING.
I KNEW and I KNOW:
it is the SKILL-to-FEEL which is heralding "Humanity's
Awakening ",
Yes! the S K I L L - t o - F E E L
I S "Humanity's
Awakening" !
HOW do I apply this SKILL-to-FEEL
now, at 11:52,
shortly before Mika will come from kindergarden,since
this afternoon we'll all go to the celebration of Chanuka, for
which the toddlers have practised for weeks when flushed by feelings of pressure
and frustration,
because I "wasted" the entire morning on this sculpture,
while so many experiences of the last days scream: "complete
your finetuning to us!"
and so many mistakes I came across on past pages this morning
demand: "correct us!"
I shall run, rush towards this feeling greedy to create, needy
to complete - not judge nor change them but feel them "with
all my heart and all my soul and all my grate-full-ness"
[Shma YIsrael: Deut. 6:5]
vibrate Body and ~~~ laugh
for"once
the pain is cleared, Laughter is the final stage of Healing"..
I also laugh, because my INTENTION was put to a test rightaway:
most of the sculpture got deleted and I had to start all over
again,
happy when I succeeded in improving on a former version,
frustrated when I couldn't retrieve a good former version .
e-mails from & to Levi and two mails from
& to Rotem, also a group-e-mail - one day too late - inviting to
an act of solidarity with Gilad Shalit in prison
After Mika came from kindergarden and before her
afternoon nap
we had 80 minutes to be alone with each other - a rare chance.
One of the many activities launched by Mika, was "to let a balloon land on the air-conditioner
again!"
Of course, I had to demonstrate, that balloons don't follow commands!
The balloon is not tied with a thread,
but twisted and put between Mika's fingers.
She lets it go
so that the balloon is noisily propelled
by the escaping air
The green balloon escapes to the right
flies in crazy twists and turns,
but doesn't end up on the air-conditioner,
as it did a few days ago
What now? thinks Mika,
what else can be done with this balloon?
Oh yes, there are plenty of other balloons
in grandma's junk-drawer!
She grasps the orginal nylon bag,
empties its content on the carpet,
and will later find them a new abode
in the biggest of the 3 basket-boxes.
But before that she has another idea:
to squeeze all the balloons into this crevice
between grandma's bed and the chest,
which in its center holds that junk-drawer
When the balloons' potential
for creative activities was exhausted, she had a tricky idea:
what else could be dropped on the carpet with such delight?
She took the medium sized basket-box, which - by bad luck -
contained all kinds of beads. "I want to pour it on the
carpet!" I saw the little devil in her eyes
-
hadn't we gone through such a "dropping" just yesterday,
when she sat on the window-sill and dropped the smallest of
the 3 basket-boxes,
spilling the colored stearin-pieces into the Bougainvillia shrub?
I was on the alert. "Are you ready to pick the
beads up afterwards?"
"No!" she said honestly. "Then don't spill them!"
When she showed her determination
to spite me, I warned her: "I'll sweep all the beads
from the carpet and throw them into the bin." This was a silly threat, for in
her avarice of experiencing the spill,
she couldn't care less about what would happen later. "but I want a birthday now"
and she spilled the beads all over
the carpet...
What was I to do now?
Of course I could very well identify with her delight,
but I could not let her overstep my boundaries.
I decided to sit where I sat - on the floor beneath the window
and keep totally mute, only looking at her intently.
At first she talked with herself and with imaginary things and
creatures
[the way I had let the white rigid wall talk to her ,
after Mika had jumped on my bed and hit her head against it,
the wall explained why it couldn't move, while she, Mika, could,
and therefore was responsible for not colliding with it)
Then she tried to appease me , like: "Is your wound still hurting?
Let me put more "Calendula" ointment on it!"
I didn't prevent it.
Then: "Oh look behind you,
the flower: two flowers within a flower! Look!"
She meant a Bougainvillia blossom outside the window.
I had a hard time to stay stern and would rather have flown
along with her But isn't it the most difficult task in our interactions
with other people,
to be clear and whole - not irritated too late and then blaming
-
in communicating our boundaries
and in standing up for ourselves, when others try to overstep
them?
Finally she said: "You can
sweep them from the carpet and throw them into the bin."
I did just that, and of course, no tear was shed on her part
about loosing her beads. "Now you go to bed",
and she obediently walked with me to her room and bed,
only to get out of it after a minute and appear in my room again. "Go to bed!" I
said - again more firmly than my yearning for her sweetness
wanted to express.
She didn't move, so I took her around her waist by force and
put her to bed.
Two and a half hours later I heard her shouting: "Imma!"
and found her fully awake.
I didn't refer to what happened and we again played happily,
until soon her mother came home.
There was a context which made me tell Efrat the story about
the bead-spill.
This reminded Efrat of her own trouble: "She is spiting me again all
the time ("again" - for
there had been a recession in spiting!), I call her 5 times and she simply
doesn't listen, doesn't follow, doesn't come.
When we'll come back from the Chanuka celebration
I'll force her to pick the beads from the bin."
That's not what I wanted! Exactly during the last 2 days I had
- for the first time ever -
thrown the content of what I had brushed from the carpet, into
this bin.
She would be disgusted, if she would even see this,
leave alone see her daughter put her fingers into the dirt.
I secretly removed the worst clumps of dust and hair myself
and I hoped she would forget it, but she didn't.
When we came back, she made Mika remember the scene of the bead-spill
spite and the bin..
She didn't show her disgust, but picked out the beads herself,
handing them to Mika,
so she would be part of this "punishment" without
polluting herself,
and then said: "This is enough".
. Now - on Dec. 31 - I wonder,
what this last part with the bin meant.
Since then I'm careful not to throw any dirt into the bin except
for paper.
I was singing the pretty little autumn-song
I learnt from one of MIka's discs: "... who knows, who knows, why a thousand
clouds come near to me now...."
A celebration with toddlers, which in my eyes was
too huge an investment in energy and money,
but I appreciate , even admire the enormous efforts of the couple
"Mummy and Daddy", who run Mika's kindergarden.
We were the first people to arrive ("only
one parent, please", but Efrat got permission to bring me too),
Then two of Mika's best friends came:
sweet Amit and sweet Galli, whom I hadn't met since my family moved
away from Shoham on July 31.
Mika, Amit and Galli
and the only boy among her friends,
Oree "who is crazy about her",
says Efrat
A competition had been declared:
Whoever will create
the prettiest Chanukia,
will receive a price."
I was glad,
that Efrat disliked the idea
of "competition"
just as much as I did.
"But I'm always
the most critical parent,
I didn't want to protest this time."
Her idea?
A Chanukia composed
of no longer used toys.
As I'm going to show later:
this Chanukia
won the first price...
A little drama:
Adar, Mika's best friend arrived.
She too lives at Bet Nehemya
and the two little girls love each other.
But they also try their "power" to insult
on each other.
In this case it was Adar,
who rejected Mika,
and only after Efrat's intervention
did Adar let Mika sit beside her.
Mika is still hurting....
but not for long...
Adar's mother Adi with her baby Sapir
now sits at Efrat's side,
with both their daughters in front
Immanuel about Mika
- written on a paper-candle
and stuck to a board with poems like this written by all
parents
about their children: "Mika always radiates,
is almost always joyous,
and always, truly always shows her love.
She sends stroking, relaxing rays
and illuminates the darkest corners
of our life."
Big Brother Drama Channel
2 (after
another program, which stirred me up just as much (towards
sleeplessness...) ,
about Rabbi Leitmann and his Kabbalah Empire, and this after
I had to hear from Hagai ,
how much he is involved there, studying every night from 3-6
AM , 7 days a week)
Still more
about Big Brother,
this time about the experiences of three of the families:
Ashkelon:
Vered, Yossi's wife and Einav's mother, brothers, aunt, people
Ra'anana:
Sonya, Leon's mother, and his sister, who talked fluent Arabic
on the phone:
she is married to an Arab , lives with him at Taibe and has
3 children .
Tiberias:
Rachel, the wife of Asher, the religious participant,
who gave birth during Asher's period at the Big Brother.
What was new for me, is to realize,
that also the families of the Big Brother "inmates"
had a chance to grow.
Vered:
"I had to do things alone, which we always did together!
I had to bear the fright and anger through all the 107 days,
and I learnt, that I am strong too!"
Actions:
Kisslog: healing-creating
TV & Internet: learning
Washing dishes,
Playing w. Mika,
putting her to sleep,
To Chanuka-celebration
of Mika's kindergarden
Interactions:
w. Efrat & Mika e-mail
Moshe>,
Levi ><, twice Rotem><
ph. from Lior Oren: Dead Sea?
ph.to Ofir: watering?
kindergarden people: Mummy Rachel, Adi & Yoav, watching
18 kids +mother, fathers
