hodayot [thanksgivings] for today
14:27; 17:40 ~~~ To my whole Self!
I give thanks for two things, which I did "right" - within less than 2 hours:
In the Clinic I practised how to be assertive and address my doctor in a way,
that she would give me human attention, and perhaps other patients too,
(instead of again demanding "another doctor" at the office, thus missing my lesson!)
"Dr. Sarah Rosenzweig! Please look at me, I was once "Dr. Rachel Rosenzweig"
and I now ask you to relate to me in a way, that you can love yourself and me."
And then, what happened? When it was my turn at 11:50, a man who waited for his turn since 11:20, said, that Sarah had to make an urgent home-visit & would be back at 12:30.
I went to the office, to fix a new appointment, but the queue there was hopeless.
I remembered my intention concerning "technical bugs" and opened myself to waiting.
Sarah came out and actually addressed me! "I'll be back in 10 minutes!"
And when held up by someone, turned around to me again: "I'll be back in a few min."
So how should I use the time? "By making exercises". Ashamed of the waiting people,
I wanted to work in the toilet ---it was occupied! I overcame my shame, stood in front of Sarah's door, took my sandals off and began to work with the 2 Aya-Paula-keys
(see the altars on Dec.9, Dec. 10, Dec.11), while also listening to a song I wanted to learn.
An old couple came for their appointment with Sarah. I informed them.
The man watched me a while, joked and then said:
"There is one - much better - exercise, which will work on ALL muscles:
putting one foot in front of the other,
while the stepping foot slants over the standing foot."
If he had said: "May I teach you an additional exercise", instead of overriding me, I would have thanked him right away. As he said it, I was triggered... but just in time remembered the "Gate-Message" and addressed him instead: "Where did you learn this? Did it help? etc." His wife said: "I'm after a stroke", which was not connected, but made her feel involved too, as felt a man who made nice jokes about my slanted dancing:"You can well work as a model"
I thanked my "teacher" and loved myself for having facilitated "entertainment".
Sarah came back, invited me in & actually looked into my eyes, before dealing with the computer: "How are you"! My intention manifested without my words!
What was more, she asked me, what I did for my soul & body to be so healthy,
and I was inspired to give her the gist of it in 5 min! She listened with gratitude!

I feel let down:
"Why can't you grasp, that a failure like the one I just described,
keeps your grand visions from manifesting?
And why don't you help me, yourself and all your addressees,
to become parental to such re-actions and heal them?"




I had to pause and go to the pool and later to the doctor.
No sooner had I left the house, when I heard inside:
"Why is it, that you still blame those spiritual people,
instead of radiating on them , what you desire from them?
Isn't it, that you still haven't accepted your greatness,
and in fact believe, that those people
- because they are multitudes, while you seem to be one and alone -
have greater power
and if they would know, what you know, and practise, what you practise,
the conditions for Heaven-on-Earth would , indeed, ripen?
Remember your cedar-song , which came to you - out of any context - yesterday!."

While listening to that video, so sweet, so harmonious, so l o v e ly,
I think of what Efrat lately, and Sarah Rosenzweig today, told me,
that Arad, my town, is on the bottom of Israel's health scala.
[Sarah: "you won't find anything on the Internet, I already searched for info!"
but see the English article from April this year]
while ARAD so far was THE town of health,
because of its altitude (600 m above sea-level).
People, who suffer from Asthma, families with children who suffer from Asthma,
move to Arad to breathe.
"So how can this be?" the doctor Sarah Rosenzweig said with despair.

I can't see the logic in my association, but will mention it anyway:
"Striving towards purity and the plus-pole
will necessarily bring up pollution and strengthen the minus-pole."

"Driving Backward into the Future" = "Closeups to the Past" = Healing&Harvesting my Past

I came across the last Communication with Deity on my website http://www.empower.co.il/ararat/ComDeity/2005_04_05.htm
I think it was the last time, that I experienced one of those horrid depressions, which had been torturing me my all my life.
And though I'm still not free of "the pressure to complete", I'm taking it lightly now, I'm not troubled by it,
since I am capable of creating the conditions toward Heaven on Earth which are right for ME:
i.e. how to feel zest-full and full-filled all the time!

http://www.empower.co.il/ararat/ComDeity/2005_04_05.htm

Listen to me! Talk to me! Help me!
I've fallen back into "depression", which means
lack of any desire, except the desire to not exist.

Everything in my life is still better than I ever dreamt of.
And as to my vision being so slow in coming true, it's exactly fine for me.
Because I'm afraid of too much work in the outside world,
and the two days a week of walking/hitchhiking/walking to Samira's
and staying there for some hours and walking/hitchhiking/walking back to Arad
are already too much for me.
[See the image of Arad from the east, which is inserted in the original page]
Every small "program", like needing to repair something outside my house, is too much.
How can I stay with this horrible feeling of not wanting to do anything,
- the opposite of my other predicament: wanting to do five things at once,
No desire at all versus too many desires at once.

You say
(the following quotations - in red - are all from the Interview with the Folks, Part II):
"Emotions are expressions of desire,
and in the case of 'negative' emotions,
the expression of the denial of desire.
....
What am I denying, that I feel these horrible emotions?

The healing begins
when you have released enough denial energy
and brought enough acceptance to an emotion
that you can feel the desire under it.
............
"When you can feel the unfulfilled desire begin to move,
bring your loving acceptance to it.
You are then loving your desire just as it is,
unfulfilled edginess and all.

Oh , Folks, what is the matter with me,
why can't I simply play from moment to moment,
but you say I need to drive backward,
you say I need to harvest and to heal

Isnt' that work,
healing and harvesting
by using my mind and the internet sites I've created.
And I repeat it, because it's so crazy:
It's often sheer pleasure, this sculpting,
but there is no time to complete
and then there is pressure, such terrible pressure,
that all pleasure is nothing compared to this pressure.

I'm feeling so horrible, oh my God, please make me listen to you.
Thank you for the tears now.

In favor of Itai, the sensitive man
by Rotem Horovitz

The five finalists have to bear boredom and pressure for another 23:39 hours