Finetuning to my Present

16:19
As happy and relaxed as I was until half an hour ago, as tense I am now.
Immanuel had been called to the hospital:
Tomer is suspected to be sick with "Appendicitis".
He brought him back home, and what does this mean for us, for me now?
I tried to make him talk :
"How did the pain start?" Or "in what situation were you?"
The 'answers' were such, that I soon gave up.
"I did nothing. What is there to do at Bne-Arazim?"
"Did you stand? Did you sit, did you walk?"
"I walked around as usual."
"In how big a space?" "From here to there."
"Where you alone?" "Two guides were there."
"What did they do? " "They talked !"
"with each other?" "Sort of, one was about to go and teach."
"So we are talking about a situation of a few minutes?"
"Why?"
"If she was about to go, she wasn't about to go for 2 hours, or was she?"
I left.
I heard his father, who was cooking a vegetable soup for him, complain also
about this kind of non-answers, when the doctor had examined him....

Now I feel so "disturbed" in my own situation,
that I would have preferred to have traveled home after all.
despite the additional inconvenience because of lack of trains.

How am I to apply the message of "New Heart em-bodied on Earth"
in this situation?
I've already behaved in a way that doesn't cause me to love myself.
When Immanuel now left the house for bringing home Efrat and Mika,
I approached Tomer again, he lounged on the sofa, with shoes and coat on,
eyes closed.
I sat on the table next to him and touched him gently:
"You are not supposed to fall asleep", said your father.
"I am not falling asleep", he said, with his eyes closed.
And then, opening them for a moment: "Can I please be alone?"
He said "please"!
"Yes of course, but what then?"
"What, what then!" "then you'll fall asleep."
"No!" "Do you swear?" "I'll not fall asleep."

I was aware, that I pestered him like that because I didn't know,
how else to communicate with him.
I felt my usual powerlessness and embarrassment,
when I "believe", something is expected from me.
I felt the dullness and boredom of Tomer hitting me in the face.
I felt the dullness and boredom of most of humankind hitting me in the face.
What does The Letter from God to Those Doing the Healing Work"
say about dullness, ennui, boredom?
How will "excitement and full-fill-ment" come into "Tomer's" life?
And what is my task in making this happen?

And how am I to help Efrat and Immanuel to cope with this situation?
Yes, there is little Mika, who will lighten up the greyness a bit.
But this will not be enough.

Why did I attract this "bug" into what I foresaw as 3 serene days ?

By the way, Tomer's being here - sick or not - is not the only "predicament" .
We've been waiting since yesterday for an answer from Ben-Shemen:
Will he be accepted there or not? No answer yet! [still not on Oct. 28!]

They have arrived and I "must" be present now - with all my plight and shame
(shame about being so unfit....)

17:08
Tomer is showering now. Immanuel is making "chocolate balls" with Mika.
I have a few minutes to be with my plight in my room.
Is this the situation hinted at at the beginning of "The Letter from God"?
"At times your experiences
as you approach the threshold of wholeness
will likely seem to be complete reversals
of all you have done in the healing work.
It will seem
that the entire world gaps or splits from you,
and becomes oppositional to you."

Or is it dumb and ridiculous to apply this to my micro-nano-situation?

Why am I here?
I'm not needed for Mika or Efrat,
and as to Immanuel, he might even prefer to not have me, too, around...
On the other hand he might - unawarely - hope for my help with Tomer.
By the way, when the "Appendicitis" was mentioned again,
he was sure I would remember, how he himself was operated,
and how - 2 weeks later - the stitches were torn during the superhuman help which his wife needed when she was in labor with Elah [August 1997].
"Don't you remember,
how Ruth and you found me in the corridor of Soroka Hospital,
because there wasn't enough space for a bed for me in the wards?"
I don't remember anything and I feel bad about that.
It's not the first time, that my son is shocked when he realizes,
that I forgot situations, which a 'normal' mother would never forget.
So what is the matter with me? Why did I forget such important events?

I'll dance a little - perhaps this will rescue me from my stuckness...

18:41
I'm not only stuck, I cause damage.
Efrat suggested, that I accompany Immanuel and Mika to her bike-training.
She had told I., that I had called Mika's legs "degenerated",
after she didn't want to walk at all on our outing on Friday.
I was quoted out of context and severely blamed for "worsening things".
I began to justify myself, but remembering "you've died to righteousness", stopped....
He also mentioned,
that E. is constantly bothered by what she believes is Mika being bored.

So now, when we were all sitting aroung the table,
and E. was as usual proposing all kinds of activities to Mika,
I said: "Do you really think Mika is bored?"
"Yes!" "Isn't this pure projection?
She is the one person in the world who is never bored!.
On the other hand I would like us to talk about Tomer's claim,
that there is nothing at all to do at Bne-Arazim."
Of course, this put both on edge: "Are you blaming Bne-Arazim now?"
"No, I want us to talk about boredom,
for boredom is the biggest problem of youth in general
and of this youth in particular.
So, if this institution , for which you pay 10000 NIS per month,
can't find a solution for this, then..."
"This is not the time now"...
"I see, I'm doing only damage", I said, and left.
"You indeed do that", I heard my son mumbling.

Now Efrat wants to make up for it and suggests,
that I already now, and not after dinner, wet my hair, so she can cut it.