hodayot [thanksgivings] for today

10:00
My Body, my Partner, my God
I give thanks to your exact responding to my last pill-against-cough,
which I finally allowed myself to take at 5 AM, after a coughing night.
Now I feel tired, but wonderful, and have not coughed even once.
Still, I've made up my mind to go to the doctor - which for me is an "ordeal" -
for a recipe of these codein-containing pills. Thanks to the inventors!

I'm grate-full for the incredible richness of my life , my past and my present
I'm grate-full for the beautiful sculpture about a beautiful day in May 2003
with Yael (her Mamushi-story) and Itamar (little "mar" instead of big Mar).
I'm grate-full that I had the courage to say "No" to Ofir's quest,
which means that I could give up my "righteousness" even in this case,
which is tricky, since I'm dependent on Ofir's watering the garden ,
so how do I dare to say: it's too difficult for me to be with your kids.
He asked if I could be with their kids from 9-12:30, I said this would be too difficult for me, unless it's "critical", and explained my eternal dilemma between being al-one with my creating and being with children, grandchildren, their children etc..It's NOT critical today!
I'm grate-full that I decided to go to the pool only once, later this morning,
since I have to be at the dental clinic at 15:45 and to walk 3 times to & fro
would just be too much, the more so as I'm tired and need to rest.

Finetuning to the meeting with Boris, Meshi and Tzippi

Meshi just like me gets tense, when there is "silence" and always initiates some talk.
Tenseness + tenseness make Boris and Tzippi even more silent and us even tenser.
I should have been aware of this in real time and exposed it there - under the moon.
Instead I let myself be dragged along with Meshi's forced "themes".
First she updated me concerning her boyfriend, from whom she parted
after she and I had met by chance in the bus to Arad some time ago.
"Since them I have only many little contacts, nothing serious."
She used an unfamiliar word for "contacts" (kshiruyot?), which made me suspect,
that she was now playing around with men (an absurd idea with regard to Meshi!).
I slipped into my role as a teacher and - after some stumbling - said valuable things
about not wasting , exhausting the yearning for the "real" thing before I am whole.
"I see it differently - the other also brings wholeness."
Even Boris interrupted: "wholeness must come from yourself - - also".
"Also?" I said, "only from yourself,
but if you mean, that we should expose ourselves to experiences,
since those will make us grow into wholeness, then you are right."

Spoken well, but why was this necessary?
Meshi said, that she knew how to guard herself and did not do anything physical.
She didn't need me to tell her those things, she didn't need me as a teacher.
Nor had she asked me for any comment or advice.
It was nothing but my fright, that something was expected from me,
especially since Meshi had not been with us for a very long time,
and even this time - when Boris called her spontaneously,
after I had agreed to come with them to the desert - at 11 PM! -
she was with a friend and left this friend in order to be with us for a short hour.
So the pattern said: you need to give Meshi something!
You need to justify that she left her friend for us. .....
You need to justify that these children wish to be with you at night in the desert.....
(Tzippi became 21 and Boris 22 on Oct. 14 and Meshi will become 20 on Oct. 23)
Classic examples of lack of self-acceptance, lack of wholeness!

Second: since we fell silent again, listening to the silence of the desert and the moon,
Meshi felt driven to say: "I saw Sa'ar on Rakhaf. I hate him more and more."
I gladly "hitchhiked" on this, talking about Sa'ar and Sefi Hanegbi,
telling my phonecall with the latter [see May 23 and May 24],
when I wanted Ilana Offer in Eilat to host me with Yael, Rotem and Arnon and she said:
"I let you talk with Sefi, for he has rented the room for which you ask".
What for did I tell this story?
Not only because I went along with Meshi's embarrassment ,
but because I, too, "enjoy" to gossip - to talk about others behind their back.
It is not something I forgive myself. It's not something I am ready to ACCEPT.
The next day - observing a BIG BROTHER gossip - I had a chance to look at this!

That night it was mute Tzippi who opened her mouth to say:
"Why are we talking about people who are not here?"

The third and most important blunder, but which I corrected right there,
was my reaction to Meshi's:
"There is this woman ? Michal Haraada, you should know her."
When I caught myself
- after having said all kinds of stupid things, which boiled down to simple "Ego" :
"you should know, Meshi, that I'm hiding, that I'm not open for anyone etc, etc.",
that my bla-bla was far from "sharing in a way that others' sharing might be enhanced"
I said:
"Meshi, please rewind! Say again your first sentence!"
She said it:"You, Rachel, should meet that wonderful woman Michal Haraada."
"My response, Meshi, should have been the following question:
What is it that this woman has given to YOU?"
"She has given me nothing, I haven't even met her in person."
"But you do admire her for something she does, don't you?"
"I don't know.
For all the things she does, Yoga, for instance, I don't like myself."
"So perhaps what you admire is,
that she is so full-filled with so many things she does,
because you, too, yearn to be full-filled?"
"Yes!"
Exactly by then we entered Boris' car from both its sides.
Boris and Tzippi hadn't even heard this part of the conversation
and there was no reason to go on with it.
But thinking of it now, I'm stunned, how far from my goal I am:
"sharing which enhances sharing!"

It's 9:58 - I lay down again - very, very tired, but not depressed.
I see the challenge and I am grate-full that I have created TIME
to become aware of how I want to live interaction,
IF I agree to open up to an interaction!

At 11:15 I went to the pool, and on my way back, I met ---- Tzippi!
I could share with her what I had analysed
and I asked her - for the umptiest time -
to take responsibility for the communication among us starchildren,
and "if you cannot contribute anything to the content, at least box me in the ribs
and ask: "Rachel, are you talking, because you feel embarrassed by the silence?"
She herself shared this:
"Yesterday , at Ein-Gedi (where she worked once more during the festive season),
I talked again to a girl, who is 19 years old and really a child (Tzippi is now 21!).
She said to me:
"I've never met someone who listens like you,
but you don't share anything about yourself!" "
"You see????"
"Yes, and I was glad, that she could observe and tell me that. "

Another Granddaughter comes along: Elah - with the foot of Alon on one side and the bike of Itamar on the other side

Yet another granddaughter is present - Rotem - but she appears only as photographer - in this case:
of her cousin Arnon and of "objects" on my veranda...

Nourishment from TV

The Mystery of Water [Why didn't they mention Masaru Emoto, The Hidden Message of Water??...] I should pay attention to an Israeli scientist who appeared on the program ESHEL BEN-JACOB - Exploring Water Complexity Unser Wissen ist ein Tropfen : Wasser, das unbekannte Wesen Die Eigenschaften des Wassers schienen geklärt zu sein, doch immer neue "Anormalitäten" werden entdeckt. In den USA glaubt man, Meerwasser mit Radiowellen brennbar machen zu können. In Österreich baut ein junges Wissenschaftlerteam Wasserbrücken, die den Regeln der Physik zuwiderlaufen. In Israel geht man davon aus, dass Wasser ein "Gedächtnis" hat. Weltkonzerne ersetzen Chemie durch "belebtes" Wasser von einfachen Naturforschern. Mediziner untersuchen die Heilkraft von Wasserfällen. Die Ergebnisse all dieser Versuche sind faszinierend und messbar, die physikalischen Ursachen jedoch noch nicht geklärt. Hans Kronberger beleuchtet in seiner Dokumentation "Unser Wissen ist ein Tropfen" neue Forschungsergebnisse zum Wasser.

World Heritage Mosi-oa-Tunya / Victoria Falls [Zambia, Zimbabwe]