I focus my experiencing and awareness on being
"a pioneer of Evolution
in learning to feel":
I let my Body vibrate and my Heart 'womb'
pain, shame, fear, boredom, powerlessness,
so feelings can >heal >guide>fulfill>evolve,
and ~~~ offer ~~~"goldmines"~~~ to us all!!
"I
want you to feel everything, every little thing!"
K.I.S.S. -
L O G 2
0 0 8
Keep It Simple Sweetheart
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
"AZ
NIDBERU"
- My
new Midrash and song
in 5 languages
about the prophecy of Malachi
3, 16
["YHWH" is named "HA-SHEM"= The
Name]
1 2 3
How Learn And
I The Train
Heal Conditions In
Myself For Creating
Into Heaven Those
Whole On Conditions
Self-acceptance Earth Daily
Click!
Then those who see Ha-Shem, will talk
among each other,
and he listens and he
hears
yatakaalamuna allathina
yarau'na-hu ,
va-yusri va-yasma'
Dann die IHN schauen, werden reden miteinander,
und er lauscht und er
hoert
Puis ceux qu'ils voient Ha-Shem, se parlent
l'un a l'autre
il entends,
il ecoute
Actions:
To thepool
(2) climbing up and down
the Wadi of Compassion
Garden: working watering
Kisslog: healing-creating
TV & Internet: learning
Preparing food. Cleaning
Interactions: (Ofir-rent,
Amit -s. below). SMS to Paz & from her and 70 min.
phone-talk!! -e-mail from and to Martin Kasper. Grocery:
milk,400 g butter, laebane, yellow cheese + grapes, 2 onions,
3 tomatoes:60 NIS. - phone w. "Amir".
e-mail to Yael&Arnon (alef-bet-song)
Know exactly what you want, communicate clearly what you want,
then get out of the way, live and play, and let happen what
may
I don't exist to realize my desires, rather my desires exist
to give me reason for creative action and pretext for loving
interaction! 8:30 I desire to balance my again
overwhelming greed to create, learn and complete on K.is.s.-Log.
"to balance" = to taking it "easy"
with "completing" the pages since Sept. 9, and to breathe, sound, move
the patterned feeling of pressure and shame , which stays on.
Brother's
hand folded around Sister's hand....
hodayot [thanksgivings] for
today -7:50
My
Body, my Partner I give thanks
for the smooth functioning
of our Cerebellum, that part of our brain, which integrates
sensory perception, coordination & motor control There are many neural pathways
linking the cerebellum with the cerebral motor cortex
(which sends information to the muscles causing them
to move)...
The cerebellum integrates these pathways, like a train
conductor, using the constant feedback on body position
to fine-tune motor movements
I'm grate-full for the integration of my feeling and thinking
i.e. for the growing wholeness, which allows me not only to
heal those "gaps"
that are still expressing as either
blaming or feeling guilty, but to use them as "colors in my painting"...
I'm grate-full for living in the house of the sweet Cohen-family
and for Lior's and Amit's attachment to me.
Finetuning to my Presence
It's only 7:18 and
I've already "created" some self-hatred,
my "sweet evil" - the wish to cause others
to feel guilty - raised its head.
I believe it's the other side of my patterned need to
be "righteous".
As long as this patterned need is not healed and I'm
in constant defensiveness,
something in me will attempt to compensate by pushing
others into defense.
I don't know what to do with this except being aware
of what I "did",
and of breathing, moving, sounding, accepting my disappointment
with myself.
I'll also use the sight of the scratched table surface
as a reminder!
And this is the little story:
On the due date, Friday, I forgot to
deliver my rent to Ofir & Meital, though I met them more
than once. On Shabbat early morning I heard Ofir preparing
his tractoron for a drive. Through the window I said: "Shabbat
Shalom, Ofir, I guess it doesn't fit to give you the money
now." "No, not now".
Later that day I forgot, until it was too late again. The
same yesterday, despite the frequent encounters: - they had
asked me to take in the kids at 19:30 and from 20:00 let them
sleep with me, until they would come from a wedding at 23:40.
I forgot... I woke up - after trying to catch my dreams -
"oh, the rent!"
I got up and climbed the back-stairs
with the money in my hand. Ofir and Amit had just come out
of the door.
So far, so fine .
But Amit saw the sheet of paper in my hand, on which I had
written with thick blue color, - in case I would have found
the door still closed - that they should come and get the
money. "I have done this!"
he said, "No, what you did,
looks similar , but it's not this sheet."
Feeling the need to explain Amit's confusion to Ofir (oh
Rachel, your explainitis!) I
said: "His drawing with
this thick blue color really resembles my writing, and by
the way, the color penetrated through the paper into the wood
of my desk and I can't get it out of it. "
Poor Ofir, what could he do with such a complaint, never mind
how "by-the-way" I voiced it, there still was a
nano-Asura in it
that wanted him to feel guilty for what his son "had
done", and this despite the fact, that after I had screamed
at the children, I came to my senses and had the courage to
say: "I'm sorry , it wasn't
your fault at all. I should have watched, what you did and
in fact, I didn't even know myself that the color would penetrate
through the paper into the wood"
(Of course even there I had to add a blame: "but
that's because despite my experience with managing 4-5 grandchildren
at a time(the
Quartet and now the Quintet),
I can't manage you two, each
wants so much attention, that I'm in constant conflict !")-
While I now sculpted these last sentences,
the kids came in and brought me a nylon-bag with 3 yoghurts!
I showed them the images with their hands folded around . "I did this",
said 3 1/2 year old Amit:
"I put my hand around Lior's, but why are my eyes closed?"
The parents go to a wedding,
the children stay with me.
The dress of Meital was so pretty,
that I didn't rely on Amit's photographing
and took the camera from him.
But I had forgotten, as so often,
that the flash was "off"...
After I had frustrated the children
with seeing the blurred result of their photos,
I finally remembered to put the flash on,
and thus Lior's exhilarating picture came out,
and Amit's photos of Lior and me
are not bad either...
My flat from little Amit's perspective
See the surface of the desk -
still shiny and undamaged
Amit's image : the TV remote controller
Two perspectives of the pink blanket, which the
kids had brought from upstairs in order to cover themselves when they
would sleep on my bed
a
fantastic perspective
of the curtain,
which I once got
from Meital, Amit's mother. Her friend had wanted
to throw it a way
and Meital thought
of her tenant, me...
underneath:
The little, fat book of
"The Big Boss",
Old Testament
Stories retold in German,
-humorously..
underneath
my diary
of my journey
to my daughter's family
in 1995
at Boulder, Colorada, USA,
underneath
the copy of
the best Arabic novel
which I studied
together with my pupils
in Arabic Literature
in 1983-84
to the right:
a 2001 collage of images
and a photo of the Sarah-Succah,
standing above
the 2005 radio-disc-tape,
which became redundant...
Again - a fantastic perspective!
the unusual pyramidal lamp,
standing in pretty tray [once a gift from my daughter]
I had saved the lamp from the hands of someone
who just was about to throw it
into a huge garbage-bin near the pool.
The parchment around the iron artwork is quite torn,
and still - I like the lamp very much.
and with Amit's image even more so!
My hanging arm
next to the pretty fabrics - one from Itai Kenan
(main host
in Succah
in the Desert
in 1995),
one from Efrat in 2004-
above Mona's
painting
of my piano-playing
at Ramat-Gan
from 1981-1985,
all 3 items cover
the ugly black wardrobe,
which is part of my rented flat.
I so much enjoy
to remember the source
of all the things I possess:
The keyboard I DID buy
with my own money,
the last money from the sudden heritage
- the house of my father's father in Erfurt,
which he had bequeathed
to his 3 grandchildren,
but which until the
Wende
(German Reunification 1990) could not be used.
The keyboard was meant for Tamir,
and since 2005 belongs to us together.
The stand for the music:
I made it from a floor-wiper.
The foot-stool underneath
the tray from Meital:
It's of iron and was made
for my children,
so from the age of 9
they could stand in front of the sink and wash the dishes
once a week at least.
The Bedouin threads
I discovered among the junk of Kfar
Noqdim in 2005.
Amit photographed the (mute)
scene on TV twice:
"by chance" the two actors in "The
Big Brother" drama,
who 2 hours later would be
outstanding in last night's public show:
Shifra and Asher
Asher,
whose daughter was born on this very day,
and her picture shown on the "plasma" in the
Big Brother living-room,
was also severely punished - together with Einav -
because they had violated the first rule of "Big
Brother":
no coalitions in order to propose a peer for "elimination".
Their manner of pushing Shifra and Tzabar out of the
house,
was also shown on the "plasma"
.
It is understandable
that Asher is extremely triggered by Shifra:
while he proclaims a moderate, but unreflected religiousness,
Shifra - the daughter of a rabbi, who "returned
in question",
[the Hebrew term
for someone who turns his back to his previous religiousness]
who "knows ten times
as much as I do, deliberately breaks all laws".
I don't believe, she deliberately took from the festive
food,
which Asher's mother had cooked for the
entire community for Rosh Hashanah,
2 hours before the beginning of the feast,
and the next day warmed it up on "fire" (gas),
but surely Asher could expect more sensitivity from
Shifra.
Still, the way he lost control of his
fury and hatred and cursed her badly in her absence,
was pathetic, to say the least,
though he immediately asked his God for forgiveness and revocation
of the curse.
The punishment , which had nothing to do with this cursing,
but only with the "coalition",
was, that Shifra and Tzabar, nominated for "elimination",
were removed from the list of four.
Instead Asher and Einav were put on the list, together with
2 other candidates (Keren and?)
Again - I don't know what category this should
be: "Nourishment from Others" or "Close-ups to the
Past"?
I was hesitant
if I should insert
the following pages from "The Tears of Ancestors".
But last night, when
- during commercials I swapped the Big brother show with a documentary "Roots
Germania" on 3Sat,
in which a TV moderator , Mo Asumang,
was following her African and German roots -
I came across an assembly of 3000 Neo-Nazis,
which Mo Asumang wanted to attend.
I could not stay put with it,
and preferred to swap back to the Israeli commercials...
By coincidence I had paid attention to Mo Asumang
when she moderated a program just 2 days before.
Her approach to free herself from fear
(the Neo-Nazis had threatened to murder her),
resembles somehow the approach of Daan:
going back to the mythological roots of the Germans,
something which was misused by the Nazis,
but which still has relevance for us today.
16:00
I really don't want to occupy myself any longer
with the ideologies and atrocities of the 20th century,
- I've given to it my thinking and suffering to the utmost.
But it seems that the atmosphere is filled with it.
For instance - I want to watch TV while eating my lunch:
The program - a train-travel from Berlin to Saigon - didn't
threaten me.
But the people stopped in Bresk and in Minsk etc. etc.,
and memories were brought up, which caused me attacks of sobbing.
And when I had finished my plate and closed the TV in the
middle
and opened today's e-mail,
I found a letter from Martin, my dead sister's husband,
with the first part of an article about the behavior
of his Alps-Association[Deutscher Alpenverein - DAV]
during the Nazi-time
"Liebe Rachel, immer wieder
sind es Zeitungs- bzw. Zeitschriftenpublikationen,
die mich an Dich denken lassen.
So auch jetzt, nachdem ich in unserer Alpenvereinszeitschrift
einen Artikel über ein trauriges Kapitel der Vereinsgeschichte
gelesen habe. Die erste Seite des insgesamt 8 Seiten umfassenden
Aufsatzes - davon sind 3 Seiten mit Namen und Adressen von
ehem. juedischen Mitgliedern enthalten - habe ich gescannt
und fuege sie bei..."
von
Dieter Angst , Vorsitzender der Sektion Schwaben des DAV Lieber Martin,
das ist schoen, dass Du "immer wieder an mich "
denkst,
obwohl der Anlass traurig zu sein scheint.
Aber nur scheint - denn ich bin ja froh,
dass da so langsam die Aufarbeitung getan wird,
mit der wir 1959 als Pioniergeneration begonnen haben.
Ich wollte eben neulich das Buch zitieren, das mir geholfen
hat,
mit dem "fertig zu werden", was da ueber uns hereinbrach.
Das Buch machte die Unterscheidung zwischen Schuld und Verantwortung:
"wir, die Nachgeborenen, sind nicht schuldig, aber wir
sind verantwortlich".
Der Autor hiess Christian Geisler, den Namen des Buches weiss
ich nicht mehr
und im Internet konnte ich nichts ausfindig machen.
Ich habe mir Teile
aus den 2 Seiten, die Du schicktest, heraus"geschnitten"
und in die heutige Seite meines web Tagebuchs ein"geklebt".
Mehr brauche ich nicht, - das Beispiel genuegt, auch die Buchangaben
im Kleintext.
Die "Stolperstein" Leute werden ja wohl immer einflussreicher!
Auch bei uns wuesste
ich von keinen auesseren Veraenderungen zu reden.
Ich pendle nach wie vor zwischen Arad und - ah doch eine Veraenderung
- und Immanuel's Familie hin und her:
Sie sind am 1. August in ein gemietetes Haus aufs Land gezogen,
in ein Dorf 6 km von Shoham,
das Bet-Nehemya heisst, Haus von Nehemia, naemlich nach dem
Nehemia Buch in der Bibel.
Obwohl der Mietpreis ungeheuer ist (6000 NIS), war dies die
einzige Moeglichkeit,
Efrat ihre Phobie vor Tomer ertraeglich zu machen: 5 Zimmer
(also eins fuer mich und eins fuer Tomer),
Garten und eben mehr freies Land ringsherum.
Jedenfalls dachte ich mir das so - stattdessen ist ein Sicherheitszaun,
wie ueblich, um das Dorf,
und einige meter weg davon der ebenfalls uebliche riesige
Zaun entlang der groessten Nord-Sued Autobahn.
Dass Immanuel Ende Juni die absolute Vormundschaft fuer Tomer
erhalten hat, schrieb ich wohl schon.
Damit ist es aber nicht getan, denn Tomer kann unmoeglich
taeglich zu Hause sein,
vor allem nicht, wenn Immanuel weg ist. Da nuetze auch ich
nichts - in den Augen Efrats.
Aber das alles ist viel zu schwierig und zu kompliziert, um
auch nur anzufangen es zu erklaeren.
In Deiner Familie gibt es ja kaum Jungen, und obwohl Toechter
auch ganz schoen Probleme machen koennen,
so stelle ich es mir doch leichter vor...
Da Du nichts ueber
gesundheitliche Probleme schreibst, hoffe ich, dass es Euch
allen gut geht.
Liebe Gruesse Rachel
Alles begann mit einem Hetzlied der Neonaziband "White
Aryan Rebels",
in dem zum Mord gegenMo Asumang aufgerufen wurde.
Getrieben von dem Wunsch, ihre Angst zu verlieren,
beginnt Mo, sich mit den Neonazis auseinanderzusetzen.
Sie will mehr über deren Begründungen
für die Ausgrenzung von Migranten erfahren
und stellt sich einigen von ihnen in direkter Konfrontation.
Sie spricht mit "kleinen" Nazis im Knast,
mit Naziprominenz Jürgen Rieger
und landet auf einer NPD-Demonstration inmitten von 3.000 Neonazis.
Dabei begegnet sie der Vereinnahmung germanischer Mythologien
durch den Nationalsozialismus.
Denn auch die neuen Nazis
bemühen germanische Zeichen, Rituale und Kultstätten.
Doch was steckt eigentlich dahinter?
Für die eigene Identitätssuche folgt sie dem Rauswurf-Slogan
der Nazis:
"Geh doch dahin, wo du hergekommen bist".
Sie reist nach Ghana, der Heimat ihres Vaters
- nur um festzustellen, dass sie für die Menschen dort
eine Weiße ist.
Bei einem Ahnenritual erspürt Mo Asumang,
wie sie sich von ihrer Angst und ihrer Wurzellosigkeit in Deutschland
heilen kann.
Zurück in Deutschland reist sie quer durch das Land,
trifft sich mit Wissenschaftlern,
besucht germanische Kultplätze,
steigt in die Himmler-Gruft der Wewelsburg hinab
und findet sich plötzlich mitten im Vergangenheitstrauma
der Deutschen wieder,
das durch rechtsnationale Theorien über die Jahre
bei vielen zur Herkunftsamnesie geführt hat.
Ihre eigentümliche "Integrationsreise"
führt Mo zur weiblichen Seite ihrer germanischen Ahnen.
Am Schluss wird sich zeigen,
ob die weiblichen Gottheiten der Germanen, die Matronen,
Mo Asumang genügend Kraft geben können,
um ihr die Angst vor der letzten und schwierigsten Etappe zu
nehmen:
dem Treffen mit dem Leader der Neonaziband "White Aryan
Rebels".
In ihrem biografischen Essay und Debütfilm "Roots
Germania"
forscht Mo Asumang nach ihrer Identität als schwarze Deutsche.
Ihre Herangehensweise ist mal psychologisch, mal träumerisch
mit einer kräftigen Prise Komik.
The brutal song by the Nazi band “White Aryan Rebels”
calls upon its listeners to kill several public figures, also
Mo Asumang.
The former TV moderator Asumang
uses the fear triggered by that song as an engine,
meets up with right winged figures
and travels Germany, England and Africa exploring her roots.
Mo Asumang became a familiar face on German
television when she hosted a popular show on one of the country’s
private tv channels in the late 90s. Her latest feature film
"Roots Germania" was a nationwide success and was
nominated for the Grimme Prize, Germany’s most important
TV award.
She was born in the central
German town of Kassel in Hessen. Her parents got divorced
soon after she was born. She was put in the care of foster
parents and her grandmother was a strong influence throughout
all of her childhood.
A tall German woman of African descent, Mo Asumang
originally wanted to become a basketball star, but knee injuries
stopped her career at a very early stage. She began studying
graphics design at Kassel University only to move to swinging
Berlin in the early 80s. She enrolled in singing classes and
financed her further education by driving a cab. Towards the
end of the 90s she hosted her first show on German television.
In parallel she used to run an "en vogue" celebrity
hangout called "Seven Lounge".
Happy times ended when
she received a death threat in the form of expressive song
lyrics by a German Neo-Nazi music band. Massive hostility
made her question her own existence and directly raised her
curiosity about her ancestors` history.
Feeling that the color of her
skin seemed to distinguish her from her fellow Germans she
now wanted to shed more light on her bi-cultural background.
The "Roots Germania" film is a documentary
of one`s desire to learn more about one’s past in general
and Mo Asumang’s longing to find
her identity between her German and Ghanaian background in
particular. This process also helped her overcome a psychological
crisis in the wake of the death threat. Nowadays she doesn't
have any problems saying "We Germans".
The film’s importance was widely acknowledged.
Mo Asumang was nominated for the Grimme Prize. Since then
she’s also started a program in schools, showing her
film and discussing questions of identity and integration
with an ever-widening audience.
On my way to the pool I tried to apply what I had just become
aware of again:
How can I convey "I need you to speak to me", without
blame?
On Thursday Paz had send me this message:
I had responded - a voice message - but there was no reaction.
Luckily Paz did not answer my phone-call, so I clicked a message
throughout all my climbing down and up the Wadi of Compassion
and to the pool:
"Paz, are you whole in body and
soul?
And did you hear the sound message I left you on Thursday,
after you announced the name of your daughter?"
If I had caught her live on the phone, I would most certainly
have started with:
"Why...", a blaming "why"! Why don't you
answer even after 5 days!
Her response now was: "Beloved-one,
I'll call you today, soon, if God will."
When we finally communicated ear to mouth and mouth to ear,
she explained how the complicated name "Ashir-La-El"
was "given" to her,
and that it included all the consonants of "I S R A E L"
and of the 3 Fathers and 4 Mothers:
Abraham, Sarah, Isaak, Rebecca, Yaacov, Lea, Rachel.
She also told me, that they had to go through a difficult lesson:
from Sunday before the festival until Thursday they were in
hospital:
Ashir-La-El had high fever, severe hepatitis and an ear infection. "Everything we are against in conventional
health-care was needed!
It surely balanced our extreme beliefs!"
She still hasn't noted the lines, which hadn't made it from
the draft to my letter,
which accompanied the wool-dressed naked doll, my present for
Shir-La-El.
But since I told her,
they had to do with the connection between Ashir-La-El, Israel
and me, Rachel,
she promised to listen again to my vocal message last Thursday.
She urged me to come again soon,
and since it turned out, that Yuval-David since this school-year
is working in the local highschool of Neve-Eitan,
doing both: teaching Ecology and caring for children like Tomer,
I might, indeed, find another opportunity to drive there with
Tomer in his father's car.
In the end she sang me a song, which was not unfamiliar to me.
I have it in my Music folder ! I'll edit it rightaway and learn
to sing it,
though I'm not so excited about lyrics which praise God,
for I know, that God wants to be my partner and not some king
above,
I can see in all this praising-of-God a metaphor for giving
thanks.!
And this it what counts: giving thanks to everything and everyone,
according to my slogan on each page of last year's "InteGRATion
into GRATeFULL-ness"
Song of the Day
Etti Ankri
va-ani ashir
"But
as for me,
I will sing of Thy strength;
yes I will sing aloud of Thy mercy
in the morning;
for Thou hast been my high tower,
and a refuge
in the day of my distress." [Psalm
59:17]
Nourishment
from Others
BBC News - Monday, 6 October 2008 ,03:26 UK Pope launches Bible marathon
Pope Benedict XVI has launched a week-long Bible reading marathon
on Italian television.
Hundreds of people
including politicians, artists and members of the public
will read the entire Bible.
For 6 days and nights 1200 people, Catholics,
Protestants, Orthodox, Jews will recite non-stop from the
Old and New Testament.
According to this the Chief Rabbi of Rome pulled out...
but according to an
Israeli news -item published: 10/06/08, 3:31 PM
he did take part:
Catholic Pope Kicks Off Bible Marathon,
Includes Chief Rabbi
by Malkah Fleisher
(IsraelNN.com) Catholic Pope Benedict XVI
kicked off a weeklong Bible-reading marathon on Italian television
Sunday,
reading from the book of Bereishit (Genesis).
The televised Bible-reading on RAI state television,
called "The Bible Day and Night," which will include
the whole Torah,
will also include the Christian additions to the Bible,
and will feature recitation by 1,200 people over seven days
and six nights. Among the bible readers will be cardinals,
rabbis, politicians, academics, policemen, sportsmen, students,
soldiers and factory workers.
Following Benedict's recitation from Genesis,
Rome's Chief Rabbi, Rabbi Riccardo Di Segni,
repeated the passages in Hebrew.
Every few chapters, the reading will be interrupted
by Christian or Jewish religious music,
with opera star Andrea Bocelli leading the first interlude
Sunday
by singing Bach's "Praise the Lord."
Actions:
To thepool
(2) climbing up and down
the Wadi of Compassion
Garden: working watering
Kisslog: healing-creating
TV & Internet: learning
Preparing food. Cleaning
Interactions: (Ofir-rent,
Amit -s. below). SMS to Paz & from her and 70 min.
phone-talk!! -e-mail from and to Martin Kasper. Grocery:
milk,400 g butter, laebane, yellow cheese + grapes, 2 onions,
3 tomatoes:60 NIS. - phone w. "Amir".
e-mail to Yael&Arnon (alef-bet-song)
with "completing" the pages since Sept. 9
