|
pp1: Driving Backward
2001_08_22; last update: 2003_06_13
See also
"Closeups of my Past" from 2007_04_23 onward
"Morning Glory": colors, pattern and
texture of a flower:
"careful consideration and reverence
for what has already come into existence"
But also old wounds that need to heal,
before they make the fig tree rot from the bottom
until it breaks down altogether:
A kind of Introduction,
sculpted on 2002_09_16, Sun and Silence
of Yom Kippur are about to vanish. I walk home,
slowly, in sorrow, when an insight hits me: At
what a slow, inconsistent pace did I start this driving! "Like...a
swan moving across the surface of a lake, |
Maryam, 2001/08/22
Gathering
all these quotes about Driving Backward,
helps me to take a closer look at the terrible ordeal,
that setting up this site has been for me and still is...
I
keep projecting myself into the future constantly.
Like: "Once I overcome all the technical problems,
the "real" work= healing into wholeness will start."
But
it is clear, that my "Higher Self", or whatever,
invented the challenge of setting up an Internet site,
as
trigger for healing a chain of pains from my past.
The
pain expresses as tightening strain in my body.
"I'll never learn this!" No breathing. Neck contracts.
"I'll never be able to understand this." No breathing.
"I'll never be able to know, handle, manage, do this."
That's
why "Driving Backward" chose itself as the first pp.
I started to trace back the beginnings of this chain of pains.
The memory goes far back - to
the little girl in first grade.
All eight grades learned in one room of the village school.
First graders sat in the first bench, second in the second.
I learnt the alphabet all right. But peeking behind I panic:
The letters in their book look different from what I know!
"I'll never learn this!"
Second
grade, second bench. Behind me third grade.
I see what they learn in arithmetic. I panic again.
"I'll never learn this!"
Then
came an experience which could have freed me:
Third grade. We'll be forced to move back to the city.
The schools there are supposed to be more advanced.
To upgrade me, I'm sent to attend school from 8 AM.
In the first hours the older children get extra teaching.
The poor essay of an eighth grader is being analyzed.
"What word is missing here?" asks the
teacher again.
I lift my hand - flushing-trembling: "the word 'but'!"
In
the city school there are also 45 pupils, but my age.
After school I sit alone in the room, bent over, crying.
Punished for my ugly handwriting. I keep practicing..
"I'll never learn it!"
And
in fact, I never learnt to write nicely, with ease.
The typewriter rescued me, and later the computer.
Still, sometimes a note or my signature is asked for.
I pity myself seeing my strain when I sign my name.
But
I did what others - or myself - expected me to do:
I "overcame", pushed aside my fear and "endeavored".
Maryam, 2001/09/26
Many
things I did learn, but there is much trapped
Will!
Some goals needed giving-up which caused self-hatred!
But when I wanted to give up learning to build this site,
in total
self-acceptance,
look, what happened!
Maryam,June 4-10, 2001
"To Immanuel and Efrat
my beloved children and coworkers
"www.HEALINGKISS
Goal or concept of site
Distribution of our work
Components of the site
"Goal and concept of site
The
site-goal is to meet my healing peers
and the path to meet and heal with them
is to simplify the info of Godchannel.com.
If
Healing into Wholeness is to be made easier by the "KISS" of God's
info,
then the "Keep-It-Simple-Sweetheart" should be reflected in the site's
view.
There
is no need to attract potential peers.
Each one will be motivated in his/her time.
No
motivating, i.e. manipulating "effects",
only sounds, funny drawings, one symbol...
The
"effect" and the uniqueness will be in:
sculptured language and sculptured text!!
It
seems I got trained for this, 6 years ago:
sculpturing with a primitive wordprocessor
"modah
be-khol me'odi"-"thanking with all my very"
transforming each experience of each day
into a treasure that made me feel grateful!
"Distribution of our Work
Dwelling
in the presence of you, my experts, these six days,
birthed my understanding about the three of us cooperating.
"Trying
to navigate through the "Help" of this
site's software
was for my mind,
what being lost for 44 hours in the Pyrenees
was for my life,
I had to go through both, in order to once again see my limits
and - if I overstepped them - to finally (?) learn to step back!
It
is Me who has to sculpture the language and the texts,
but it's not me who is supposed to build/maintain my site.
It
is like with my French : I have all the knowledge and vocabulary to read it,
but I am finally at peace with the fact that I am not able to use this for talking.
Also,
when I decided to
live in a bus, I studied the functions of all its systems :
water, gas, electricity, sewage and all elements and processes that move a car.
But most of the time, if I moved the bus, it was -- to find someone to repair
it!
The bus was an arduous lesson, that I am not supposed to do everything myself.
Each
of us is limited and incomplete, so we would need each other and interact.
The artisan whom I needed for repair - needed me to remember his own dreams.
Therefore:
It
will be you, my children-my partners,
who will host my site on "EMPOWER"
and who will build and maintain my site.
Also:
it will be you, my daughter-in-love,
who will create graphics & illustrations.
This is not a command, but a knowing.
"Components
of the site
Anonymity:
Effective Healing into Wholeness occurs
in relationships of "Loving Dependency".
My
own Sharing and Moving Emotions
will, naturally, involve such relationships.
Since
most of the members of my family
are children, or still scared of exposure -
I shall keep my and your names hidden,
contrary to my belief in total openness!!
Organic Growth, Movement, Sound:
HEALING-KISS will grow organically.
as I heal and grow and as do my peers.
(The other components have changed)
My
son declined emphatically:"Even if
it will cost me more time to teach you,
I shall not build nor maintain your site.
You must do it yourself and be patient.
It will take you three months to start!"
The end
of the story is gratefulness!
Could I have healed some Lost Will,
without letting myself be triggered
by my stupidity in grasping the tool?
And how can this site ever contain
Deity's exploding survival-message ,
if I shan't borrow Ahriman's skills?
Maryam, 2001/11/04
Gratefulness was not the
end of the story,
but its beginning.
Once I was "on my way",
help started to come,
from both, I. and E.
The highest reward came today:
The gate to the site!
"the metaphor of water from
above merging with water from below"
Maryam, 2001/11/30
This
is the birthday of my
beloved brother,
killed at the age of 27 by a drunken soldier.
I took the plane to the funeral and to seek this man out:
"I don't want to think of you as a murderer",
I said to the shattered son of another mother.
Later he got himself killed in Vietnam..........
Father and brother - killed by American soldiers,
the one in war and the other in peace.
I, at the age of ten, in a hurry to reach the tram,
sent to bring cheap vegetables from the market,
ran into a car of an American officer.
Another tenth of a second -
and I would not be writing this.
He drove me home and gave me -- chocolate!
I have minimized my exterior
life-
interactions, situations and events,
to minimize the chances for triggers.
Instead I "harvest from the past".
"And this level
of wakefulness
can lead you to
complete wholeness,
if you use the opportunity
of your new awareness
to
cease creating new manifestations.
...
"One of the strongest
advantages
in 'driving backward'
is this change of attitude,
from willy-nilly
manifesting
based on false assumptions of what you want ~
to careful consideration,
and even reverence
for what has already come into existence. "
One very effective way
for me to drive backward,
is to let good movies come my way.
This is real entertainment, i.e. combined with learning.
My grandchildren must
have seen
a thousand more movies in their short life
than I in my long one.
It's only since I've been living in this flat with cable TV
and the choices provided by my knowledge of languages
that this way of perceiving my world
and studying my past and my life,
opened itself to me.
There's a competion of
12 German speaking movies on 3SAT.
Out of the five I saw, all about love, 3 drove me backward.
[see what I suffered and learnt from the competition
in 2011
>Nov. 17]
"In driving backward
you now have the opportunity
to explore the bog
and retrieve the
goodness
that had been overlooked before
in leaving too hastily. "
One - "A
few days in June (1944) -
brought back some light to my childhood in war.
One - "Beyond
Love" - brought back more acceptance
to the years of my agony about the crimes of that war.
One -
"Petra Bastian" - about the deadly life and death
of the Founder of the Green Movement in Germany,
was very much ME with that pain-driven crazy activity.
"You want to improve the world?"
"There is nothing to improve. We need another world."
But
I could liberate myself from this hell,
without denying my pain about the world.
I now work full time on the real healing,
without adding more pain as I did before,
the excruciating pain of my trapped Will.
I savor the goodness in
the process
from my painful past to my Present.
Maryam, 2001/12/31- 2002/01/03
(Completion of pp49, pp28,
pp47)
Please, Spirit-Mother,
unite in my heart,
in me, my Body:
let me complete
till this midnight
my big lesson
of transforming my disruptive property
of "Unduly giving away information"
into the quality of a Gate Opener
for "Sharing helpful Information"!
![]() |
OPEN
Lyonel Feininger (1871-1956) |
My first veritable disaster with
this property
did much to fortify the belief about myself,
that I shouldn't have come into this life,
'since I was only disturbing the people'.
I was 14 and stayed with my peasant
friends.
I was listening to the grownups' evening chat.
A neighbor gossipped about the village priest.
"How shameful was his eating at the baptism"
and other harmless slandering like that.
But I could not take it, I adored
this priest.
For me he was God's model of perfection.
For he was the one who had redeemed me
from the greatest torture of my childhood's hell.
During a previous holiday in the
village
I had dared to approach him after church:
"Will you accept me for confession?"
"Come to my house!
since you are a Protestant,
we can't do it in the church."
I entered his study.
A cruxifix in the corner.
I knelt down spontaneously.
He followed me kneeling down.
This act of solidarity touched me deeply.
I tearfully told how I had succumbed to being raped.
[see pp42, 2002_12_07]
When I was done, he made me sit down.
Before he had listened without interruption.
Now he conveyed that there was no judgment.
"The real crime is solely
the one against love".
He lent me a book about the essence of love.
I left his house and village flying.
The 4 hours of busride to my home
were the happiest since my birth.
And now they were smearing shit over
Him.
Nights of torture resulted in my going to him.
I needed to know that the gossip was a lie.
His reaction shattered my statue.
Instead of taking it with humour,
thus showing the desperate child,
how one should relate to gossip,
HE walked around in the room,
growling like a tiger in a cage.
I was not present at the next mass,
when he thundered from the pulpit.
But I got a letter from that woman.
It arrived, when I was having fun,
for a change,
during a summer holiday at the Lake of Constance.
The charges started with two proverbs,
one: "To talk is silver, to be silent
is gold".
The other predicted my future as a criminal:
"What wants to become a hook, crooks
in time"
I excused myself towards my playmates.
I walked, ran into the hills to kill myself.
'A monster like me has no right to live.'
As always in my life, before and after,
at the edge of the abyss --- an angel!!
From across a field a woman shouted:
"What wonderful braids!"
I turned my head, and then -- my body,
and went to help the mother&daughter
to dig out potatoes from the pure earth.
I stayed alive, but the shame did too.
How come, I could not change?
Not after this result of my "criminality",
and not after countless times that followed?
Even my husband once came to my defense,
when my "unduly giving away information"
threatened to ruin another friendship:
"She does not do it for the sake of gossip,
she naively thinks, what she tells will help."
13 years ago I came to know about a
past life.
I had long hair ('braids'~), but was a man,
the arrogant son of a nobleman in Europe.
I had been thrown into a dungeon prison,
because I had lightly given away a secret
that had to do with international finances.
A sword was run through my father's heart,
and many of the simple people I detested,
who had been hurt by my deed,
groaned and farted around me.
"And he didn't die for a very long time."
The long ordeal resulted in great growth,
the benefit of which I enjoy in this life.
Still, nothing in that or this life changed
this seemingly hurtful pattern:
With all my traumatic self-discipline
I find myself again and again and again
giving away information that I shouldn't.
And each time, up
to this very day,
when the lightning of blaming rage
is hurled against me,
I feel as innocently hit with surprise
as when I read that woman's charges.
Feiniger, Niedergrunstet
Self-acceptance on this last day of 2001:
My most dire liability is
my most beneficial asset
the touching stone of the healing process
Evolution is going towards
openness and transparency,
towards free sharing of all information.
What greater proof is there than the Internet.
While searching for the word "transparency",
a friend's sentence came to my mind,
once written in my desert guestbook:
"What is beautiful is your transparency.
I'll not allow people to dim my transparency.
For in this I am a beacon on their own path.
But I'll make them aware of their 2 options:
To risk being triggered by my transparency
in order to use the trigger for their healing,
or to stay away from me altogether.
From
"What
does the Mother want to do?"
"God Bless
You ~ Bless You, God ~ God,
Bless Yourself, You're awesome, Man, I Love You!!!
Thanks for being so real with us
and for facing your fears and problems,
and for letting us in on them."
And
for letting us in on them.
And for letting us in on them.
And for letting us in on them.
Maryam, 2002/03/04-10
Yesterday "I drove backward"
with the help of the Mother:
my depression subsided slowly as I gave in to doing nothing.
But it was there again when I opened my eyes two hours ago,
I did, what I should do, "whenever something bothers
you":
"I rj, that I'm not OK , if I judge myself for judging
my depression.
I rj, that I'm not OK, if I judge myself for feeling this depression.
[="I shouldn't be depressed, since my
life is so good and I am so whole"]
I rj, that feeling depressed is unbearable and should be avoided."
This time it
worked,
I felt that the feeling was vibrating me,
I remembered, that FEELING is LIFE.
[Nov.26,2011: see the
song "itfini":
"for all my joy is in my very feeling"]
It was then that
I stumbled at 'Morning Glory'
and inserted it as "entrance image" to this pp.
But the further
I got with sculpting this work,
the less content I was with this pp as vessel.
There was one
particular troubling metaphor
which hit consciousness and sentience
alike:
"HELL".
The image became so pervasive and pushy,
that it ripped open the Mother's
Homepage
demanding the insertion of verbal messages.
Finally the content of
a new pp took shape.
It's where I moved my work with the Mother.
Now that my Hell has gotten a sculpted
form,
I discover a photo of another "aurora borealis"
which the
artist calls: MORNING GLORY
"View from my DRIVEway 6:30 AM, November 6, 2001"
On Nov. 26,2011 - i.e. 10 years later - I no longer find this image on the
site,
but now there is a beautiful video, which shows the movement of the aurora.
Maryam, 2002/05/05
I'll give way to what might be
self-pity in telling one of 3 memories,
that haunted me while studying the
Mother's Account about Herself:
"Being invited into His mind, in
those days,
was sort of like going into a museum
where there were many fascinating things,
but I wasn't supposed to make noise
and I wasn't supposed to touch or move anything,
let alone dance around and play with any of it.
I thought He was much too serious
and that He didn't take Me seriously enough to think
I had any input of value. ..."
The man whom I loved and who loved me,
but who was married and the father of two
and who was a Jew, while I was a German,
found a way to come from Israel to see me
by getting himself invited to teach a course
in modern Hebrew at Tuebingen University..
This was in 1962, only 17 years after the "end" of the Holocaust.
The class, in which I volunteered as his assistant, lasted 6 weeks.
Then we had about 10 days for ourselves, though secretly.
He rented a car for a trip through his hateful "fatherland".
One night we strolled through the rebuilt old city of Frankfurt.
He was born there - 16 years before I was born in Stuttgart.
Looking
back now on this situation charged with too many emotions,
it is clear that something was bound to trigger him.
But the "misfortune" was not only our ignorance concerning triggers,
but the kind of trigger that prepared itself.
Suddenly I snatched myself away and hid in
a doorway.
The girl-in-love wanted him to look for me and find me.
He did not come.
He walked away.
He was ..... gone.
I followed his invisible footsteps until the junction.
Not knowing where to turn, I stood under a lantern.
Finally I saw him coming toward me terribly slowly.
When close, he hit me with cold sarcasm:
"What are you standing there like a whore."
Looking back now this was a classical reflection
of my own torturing GUILT regarding this my love.
I wanted to run away, penniless as I was.
But he grabbed me harshly, humiliating me.
A night in Hell. Hatred! More humiliation.
He loathed himself . A married man of 40!
How could he love such a childish creature!
A GERMAN!
When I was 9 months old, my mother wrote:
"Sie kann sich so unbaendig freuen.
She can be so outrageously happy."
At the age of 12 years she wrote:
"She is much much too serious.
What is to be blamed partly,
is my lack of self-control."
But I was deeply in love.
For once I had relinquished my heaviness.
For once I allowed myself to be playful.
The punishment was terrible.
"It"- our love? - would have been
over,
if it hadn't been for a shock the next day.
We drove back. Not a word was spoken.
He fell asleep, he drifted off the highway.
I screamed till the car came to a standstill.
A heap of sand! Workers sitting behind it!
The miracle ... was overwhelming for him:
"It shouldn't have ended like that",
he said.
That night, in a simple hostel, I conceived.
5 years later, in Israel, married, 3 kids,
I suspected to be pregnant once more.
My husband was miserable and furious,
out of proportion to the nation's predicament.
The 1967 war was imminent.
Many people would get killed,
Israel might get wiped out ~~
It was then, that I wrote new Hebrew words
to an American folksong, which so often had made me cry,
when I was alone with my pregnancy
and the delivery and caretaking of my illegitimate child ~~~
|
2002_08_11, Evening,
When I decided - after this day of sadness - to sculpt what I feel, in this
puzzle piece,
I had no idea, that the image above shows Micha in front of the other 4 family
members.
When the fog of confusing
dreams had settled this morning,
one scene took a clearer and clearer shape, and made me sad.
I had left little Micha, about 5 years old, in a shop of friends,
and after some hours realized that I had forgotten about him.
I consoled myself, that the shop was selling nails and the like,
and that the little guy would have fun playing with these.
But I felt guilty and rushed over to hug and fetch him.
In real life, of course,
I had never forgotten him.
But I had taken myself from him, 3 times too early.
When he was 7, I took up a job and wasn't home, when he came from school.
Though he was taken care of well, it was me, whom he needed.
When he was 14, I fled from my marriage, leaving the kids with their father.
After some months he joined me, like the others, but the trauma stayed on.
When he was in the army, not yet 19, I stopped being a normal mother.
I moved into my
mobile home and when he came for leave,
he had to stay with his sister and brother-in-law.
In all three cases my
move was a matter of life or death for me.
But I was painfully aware, that Micha would have to pay the price.
Maybe, this is not at
all reality, but a projection.
A projection of my sadness, that always engulfs me,
when I feel the veil between what Micha lives
and what he doesn't live.
Other mothers would praise themselves
for having such a good, healthy, son,
very successful in his hightech career
and very loved and loving in his family.
He believes he is happy.
But I read too many signs of denial.
This familiar, ongoing
experience
was sharpened by an unusual one:
The photos of my
brother, killed at the age of 27, arrived!
As part of my "labour of mourning" in March 1970,
I had gathered all photos and documents into an album,
but had bequeathed it to my nephew when he became 18.
Since then there was no direct word from him or his sister.
Now I asked them to borrow me the photos to scan them.
It's how I learnt, that my brother, who would be 60 this year,
would now be a grandfather of 2 very pretty granddaughters.
Is there a coincidence between the 2 sadnesses?
Soon after - I found
myself in the pool with the
little ones.
Usually Itamar plays alone or with his sister or other kids.
Today he glued himself to me.
At one time he even rushed towards me through
the water
and gasped:"I want a hug",
and made me hold him tightly.
![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
How are these three
little male faces,
all at the age of four and a half,
of Eberhard, my youngest sibling,
of Micha, my youngest child,
of Itamar, my youngest grandson,
connected?
And what does the connection mean?
I don't know.
I can only accept and move the sadness.
![]() |
Less at the age and |
![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
2003_06_13
From
Personal
Channeling How can we heal faster? "Driving backwards, Much of the work up to now has been to prepare you for the change. The Earth changes are not a cause, they are an effect. |
.pplist
PUZZLE PIECES GUIDE 2001-2002 .pplistpreface -Preface to Puzzle Pieces Guide .pp1 - Driving backward .pp1b-Driving Backward to Retrieve Goodness .pp2 - Peer Companions .pp2b- Peer Companions .pp3 - Moving Emotions .pp4 - Identifying Triggers .pp5 - Trapping Will .pp6 - Releasing Judgments .pp6b-Releasing Judgments .pp7 - Total Self-Acceptance .pp8 - Understanding and Choosing Experience .pp9 - Body the Master Healer of Creation .pp10 -Denial of Will .pp10b-How God started to feel and to deny .pp11 - All of Creation .pp12 - The Goal: To become Parental and Whole .pp13 - Feel all there is to Feel .pp14 - God's and my Will and Desire .pp15 - Guilt&Blame are the same .pp16 - Reality reflects Denial .pp16b- Reality reflects Judgments .pp17 - How I learnt Moving Emotion Techniques .pp17b- Moving Emotions: Sound .pp17bb-Sound + 17bbNote: Heart .pp17c- Moving Emotions: Breath .pp17d- Moving Emotions: Body Movement .pp17e- "Releasing" Emotions or Moving & Evolving them? .pp18 - Good and Bad .pp19 - Body's Illness and Aging .pp19b -Body's Death .pp20 - Everyone a Hologram .pp21 - Oneness and Duality .pp21b-Fragments and Fragmentation .pp22- Perception and Projection |
.pp23
- Loving Hearts' Denials .pp24 - Lucifer and Ahriman .pp25 - Denial Spirits and Asuras .pp26 - Redeeming Lost Will .pp26b- Redeeming Lost Spirit .pp27 - Movement of Lost Will .pp28 - No overriding, no letting override .pp28b- No overriding, no letting override .pp29 - Reclaiming my Power .pp30 - Unconditional Love .pp31 - Sacrifice what you don't want .pp32 - Doing the Healing Work .pp33 - Greatness and Grandeur .pp33b-Reflection of Denied Greatness & Power .pp34 - Communication with Deity .pp35 - Following Will's and Body's Lead .pp36 - September 11, 2001 .pp37 - Gaps and Eruption of Gapped Rage & Terror .pp38 - Unconsciousness, Amnesia .pp39 - Deity and Manifestation .pp39b -The Process of Manifestation and Creation .pp40 - Cease Creating New Manifestations! .pp41 - I Create my own Reality .pp42 - Victim and Perpetrator .pp43 - Self-Victimization .pp44 - No one needs Correction or Punishment .pp45 - I need you to feel how I feel .pp46 - Love&Light&Joy&Peace??? .pp47 - Mary and The Mother .pp48 - Rage and Terror .pp48b -FEAR .pp49 - Ego .pp50 - "Let Consciousness Serve Sentience!" .pp51 - "Laughter - the Final Stage of Healing" .pp52 - Loving and Healing Sexually .pp53 - JOY .pp54 - Light's Way to Dwell in Hell .pp55 - Heaven on Earth |