I focus my experiencing and awareness on being
"a pioneer of Evolution
in learning to feel":
I let my Body vibrate and my Heart 'womb'
pain, shame, fear, boredom, powerlessness,
so feelings can >heal >guide>fulfill>evolve,
and ~~~ offer ~~~"goldmines"~~~ to us all!!
"I
want you to feel everything, every little thing!"
K.I.S.S. -
L O G 2
0 0 8
Keep It Simple Sweetheart
Know exactly what you want, communicate clearly what you want,
then get out of the way, live and play, and let happen what
may! 8:35 I desire to live Shabbat as
I began it with the first twitter of the birds in this woundrous
silence,
vascillating between excited grate-full-ness for so many "things"
and dozing off into dreams.
I desire to be able to sculpt the experience with The Seven
and with my Starchildren altogether
I desire to "complete" the last 8 pages, before plunging
into sculpting the Pesach experiences.
I desire to sculpt my drafts to Gab. and to Jon. in a manner
that will be fruitful for both sides.
image of the day:
At the pool Meshi parts from me
- to meet Dina, another one of my 5 Star-Children
in order to go out with her to the desert
hodayot [thanksgivings] for
today
11;00 My Body,
my Partner,
my God
After I had sculpted my "Intention",
I wanted to simply thank you for being alive.
But something in me still resists admitting that.
The frequent desire of wanting to die, from the age of 12,
which at the age of 55, after I had learnt that dying wouldn't
make sense,
turned into rage and fury about this one law of existence,
that it is impossible to not exist,~~~ this desire stubbornly refuses to
fade into oblivion.
Not being able to choose from the multitude
of specific "things",
for which I feel grate-full today,
nor knowing, what should be "the image of today",
I decided to first do something else - before returning to
today's 'altar'.
I began a response to an e-mail from Immanuel, received 2
days ago,
which became longer than planned (what
else is new, Rachel !).
And when I sent it, I was already half an hour late for the
pool.. ["late" = there will be less
hours in between 'morning-pool' and 'noon-pool'] But soon enough I understood
the purpose of this delay ~~~ Meshi~ And now I can specify one thanksgiving:
I'm grate-full for having met Meshi and for the timing of
this meeting!
Finetuning to my Present
Some "Angel" has been
staging this double encounter quite forcefully,
the sudden appearance of The Seven in the evening of
the day,
on which I had specified my "Intention" of
being left al-one !!!!
and the "casual" meeting of Meshi after we
haven't met for maybe 2 years,
though she lives 10 min. away from me and comes to Arad
when on leave.
I now [12:30] read
again, what I sculpted
about my experience from 2004 onward
["Rakhaf"
July 13-Zipi>>>Arad,Dec.4, Zipi:"I
want you to meet my friends"]
with the five Starchildren from Arad - Zipi, Gal, Boris,
Dina, Meshi -
who entered my life despite my wish - which was even
then: to be left alone.
"It's incredible",
I told Meshi,"Gal
and Boris came to me 2 days ago,
together with four and a half other people ["I
met those", she inserted], and while now climbing down and
up the wadi and crossing
the street,
I was totally focused on trying to understand that deep
togetherness.
And there you who were mising- are calling me from afar!"
As always with my starchildren
- the lapse of time does not matter -
during the 10 minutes we walked together, Meshi summarized
her life,
as if I had been sharing its procedures and meanings
day by day.
Being a graduate of the youth movement "No'ar
Oved ve-Lomed" [popular
also among Arab youth], the Army assigned her the job
of an educator-commander in the Gadna.
"I'm working at Sde-Boqer
and can do with the kids whatever I want,
even playing uga, uga('cake, cake', a popular dance for
kids of Mika's age). Despite my uniform, rifle etc.
, I manage well in conveying basic values
like 'listening', 'cooperation', 'not-leaving-somebody-behind'
etc.!"
When we first met - she
was 16 then - she already worked with youth.
In fact, it was due to the "wool-game", which
she had taught us in Dec.2004,
that the togetherness with the Seven became so meaningful.in
April 2008.
"What about 'love'?"I asked
and the answer was to the point at its deepest.
"It is not exactly as I want it, but neither is
the time ripe for leaving".
"I'm glad, you see it that way, it's more teaching,
if you can understand experiences and lessons inside
a relationship,
than after having ended it.
Can you talk with him about your difficulties?"
"Yes. Except now, when I wanted to take a break,
he said:
'why can't you work it out together with me instead
of stepping aside?'
"Well, then this is something you have to teach
him,
the principle of Qohelet [Ecclesiastes
3:5 ] I always taught you:
"There is a time to embrace
and a time to refrain from embracing", or the Jewish marriage
law - to separate at the time of menstruation."
"Yes, Gal told me the same yesterday, from a different
perspective!"
"Remember, no love, no love will last unless this
principle is guarded!"
We parted, she went to
meet Dina and I entered the pool,
not singing while swinging - as usual- , but thinking:
'What am I to understand from the visit of The Seven,
reinforced by the encounter with Meshi?'
My Starchildren, nowadays, are
not only mostly away from Arad.
They also have their difficulties with being overwhelmed
by me,
or so I believe.
And Zipi, the only one who can always "take me",
I've
asked to "refrain from embracing" until
"the time will be ripe",
i.e. until we are ripe for true "peership",
when I can get what I want to get,
and when what I want to give can be received.
One of the beautiful aspects of the relationship between
"Starchildren" is,
that there are many possible combinations of "groupings".
Periods of estrangement occur not only between me and
a starchild,
but also between this or that starchild and another.
But each of us knows, that there are others who will
take care,
it's really symbolized in the woolen string crisscrossing
between us.
And the fact that Gal, when she
finally felt ready to face me again,
dared to bring with her Boris and Itai and Eva, Shakhar&Or&Dindin,
this simply comes to remind me of that fact:
We are always together, in embracing as well as in refraining
from embrace.
"Rachel1", I
heard a familiar voice,
but could not identify its owner, "young as ever and 'sasgonit'!" of varied shades
Only when she hugged me, I saw! "Is that you, Meshi,
so grown up?"
"Where are your glasses?" "To the pool I don't
take them,
so I won't see the nylon-bags etc.
blown into the wadi by the wind."
"Meshi" means "silk",
and her family name is "Tayeb",
Arabic for "good" - as my German maiden name: Guth...
Meshi's
"Wool-Game"
One of us holds the
end of the thread of a wool-ball,
throws the ball across to another person and asks a
personal question.
Then this person holds on to the spot of the thread
which reached her,
throws the ball to another person of her choice and
asks a question.
When each person is holding on to the thread,
with a question to be answered on her mind or heart,
the last one is the first to answer the question thrown
at him,
- no second questions from among the circle are allowed
! -
and throws the ball back to the person from whom he
had received it.
song
of the day Gal sang a few lines from this
song, which is dedicated to my starchildren:
"She is a ray of the sun, he is a wave of the ocean,
colors of the one light are all of them...
Since my old-new TV is not yet connected
to the digital converter,
I'm "forced" to zap into Israeli channels,
while eating my meals. [Lunch: backflashs to the
life of Yitzhak Shmueli, director of the Israeli Broadcasting
Authority in the seventies:
His son: "It was a crime
that you gave the order to re-use the tapes of programs
like 'A life like that' and 'Tandu'!"
"They had no understanding
then of the historical value of those tapes. TV, founded
in 1968, was new to them."
So, my double appearance
in "Tandu" with Yaron London in 1975,
is gone forever.
]
Earlier - during breakfast - I zapped into a movie,
which brought up another good memory concerning
Jonathan from winter 2000-2001 The Series: "The
Tribe",
obviously an early season, judging According to some
faces,
which I remember at a later age, when Jonathan
and I ardently sat down at 5 o'clock,
to see an episode of "The Tribe", which fascinated
me as much as him.
This occurred during the
6 months of living in my tent in my daughter's garden
at Modi'in.
I don't remember, if the program was given day after
day or - probably - once a week. We didn't talk before, during or after the program,
but I - in addition to my delight in the movie -
was grate-ful for this non-verbal communication between
us.
In the afternoon there was a new constellation of "actors"
: Immanuel had brought Tomer from Tel-Aviv!
"PUNKS NOT DEAD" Tomer
is dressed-up in shirts, trousers and boots,
which had already caused somebody to call him "a Nazi",
as he told me when we were walking on the Bareket-Path
with Abba and Mika. "I've applied all the slogans myself",
he said proudly, "what do you think of it!" I looked at him gently, with a smile and
said: "Why is it important for you to know,
what I think?
It is not me whom you want to impress, is it!" "Whom do I want to impress?"he asked "naively". "I think the boys your age, or the
boys who are older than you,
even those men, with whom you have contact...
I don't know, if women will be impressed ."
"There are also women",
he said and cut off the conversation.
Now the Three are exactly
under the moon
and Tomer even turns his face,
not pleased to be caught by the camera
He is in a good mood, Tomer,
and will be so for the rest of the day.
Late at night
after an Internet video "lesson"
in punk, rock and metal music,
Grandma and he will go out,
as usual,
except that this time we get lost,
and it's only thanks to him,
that we find our way back.
How grate-full I was,
not only for this rescue,
but even more so,
that he could experience
this boost of his self-esteem...
Little Mika has been a bit nasty
to grandma for a moment,
grandma goes away
and sits under a tree
in some distance,
so little Mika has to cross
a desolate piece of land
in the night
to come over to grandma
and say:
"Slikhah! Bo'i!"
without a pause between the two words:
"Sorry! Come!"
The cursed boots....and a new cellphone
(a gift from El-Al)
She rides home holding a palmfrond triumphantly
It's
the Eve of Shabbat,
I'm wearing the new dress (the first
in years)
and Mika wants to dance, something we do quite often.
Efrat turns on the music.
Immanuel interrupts his cooking
and grasps my camera from the table
I give thanks for that day, Friday, April 18 - it was
beautiful with all these four actors in my drama
).
]
