| The
Purpose of HEALING - K.I.S.S.
- as stated 12 years ago - was and is
to help me and my potential P E E R s
"to HEAL ourselves into WHOLEness,
and - by extension - all of CREATion!" |
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I focus my experiencing and awareness on being
"a pioneer of Evolution
in learning to feel":
I let my Body vibrate and my Heart 'womb'
pain, shame, fear, boredom, powerlessness,
so feelings can >heal >guide>fulfill>evolve,
and ~~~ offer ~~~"goldmines"~~~ to us all!!
"I
want you to feel everything, every little thing!"
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K.I.S.S. -
L O G 2
0 0 8
Keep It Simple Sweetheart
whole&full-filled, never perfect&complete
Intro
to
k.i.s.s.-l o g + all
dates
January
24 - between
Shoham
and Arad
back to past ~~~~~
forward to future
image
of the day
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hodayot [thanksgivings] for
today
8:05
My Body, my Partner,
I give thanks to our spine
and the parts in our brains which let it function so well,
unlike in those people, who travel all the way to China,
hoping that a famous doctor there will
make them stand on their feet again.
When will it happen, that the
lame man shall leap as a hart?
I give thanks to my country,
which shelters me, lets me live freely
and gives me the possibility
"litzor ve-le-yatzer", to create and to produce,
as Immanuel thanked on April 15, 1993,
when we celebrated the 29th anniversary of our immigration
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Finetuning
(1)
Natu , a "Foreign
Worker"
Early in the morning we
learnt,
that Natu had been caught by the Immigration Police,
and evicted right away, yesterday night.
Natu was Efrat's cleaning woman for the last 9 months,
a Russian "foreign worker", as one says in Israel.
In Germany it was already in the sixties, I think,
that they at least exchanged this term for the word "guest
worker".
Much is being said about the cynical behavior of governments
in affluent countries:
Cheap labour is needed in many branches,
especially in agriculture, construction and in the caretaking
of the old and sick,
but not the minimal conditions are provided,
that these modern slaves can go to sleep without fear.
When Jews ask God for forgiveness, especially on Yom Kippur,
they say: "we have sinned"
in ever so many versions and details.
Not "they", but "we".
It's not the Israeli authorities who evicted Natu, it's us,
it's me.
And if this is not enough to make me feel
bad,
there was an incident between me and Natu,
which - from today's perspective - points to this "me"!
Natu used to come on Sundays for 5 hours.
Last Sunday Efrat was, as usual, at work, and I in my room.
Natu had just come in, when she began a long phone conversation.
Once I went to the toilet, hoping Natu would understand that
I felt disturbed.
She, indeed, went to another place, but her loud talking continued.
So I approached her, gently, holding my hands to my ears,
thus communicating, that I wanted her to turn down her volume.
About 2 hours later we met in the kitchen and she said:
"I'm sorry, but I talked with my
sister, who flew to Germany last night."
Probably also in order to find a job there.
Already then I felt shame, that I had forced her into defensiveness.
Now, after the news about her eviction, I feel more shame.
I don't blame myself for never having talked to Natu.
Her Hebrew vocabulary simply didn't allow that.
And my "Holy
Lonesomeness" shuns all contact and conversation,
except with the people, on whom I am dependent, i.e. my family.
But I did not even take a photo of her!
I, who document every detail of my life!
She never cleaned my room, because I preferred to do this myself.
But does this mean, that she was not in my life?
After all, she worked in the flat, in which I lived,
at least during those 5 hours.
My only comfort is my belief, that Natu, too, creates her drama... |
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A
new ritual: Mika feeds me "Dulce de Leche",
every night one tiny box,
"stolen" by Efrat from her Café in town.
Mika consoles herself with her bottle,
and I console myself with sweets.
I'm back at Arad,
but neither the pool,
which I entered on my way home,
nor 70 minutes napping-resting on my bed,
helped me to return to my wholeness.
So I ate all the cake - meant for 3 days
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Our wonderfully rich and harmonious week
came to an end today,
though Immanuel will return from his ski holiday only on Sunday
morning.
Efrat, Mika + Nella travel by train to Efrat's parents at Acco
- for a prolonged weekend.
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The first two hours or so after having done another "lekh-lekha"
and arrived somewhere - presently either at Shoham or at Arad
-
are always a bit difficult for me.
I feel like in that joke, told in the sixties, about that
African woman,
who arrived in London, but didn't move from sitting under
her plane.
"I'm waiting for my soul to come
after me!" she explained.
But today my lack of wholeness has another reasons as well,
which has to do with the 2 hours I spent with my truck-driver.
3 years ago we met twice, when I was hitchhiking,
and then again last November.
Every day, from Sunday to Thursday,
he drives from Haifa to Arad,
but needs to unload and reload in "Airport City"
, close to Shoham.
Today it was the 4th time that I followed his invitation and
joined him.
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Finetuning (2): Asher
There are two themes which interest my
driver: my heresy and sex.
The first I take with humor, the latter makes me wary and weary.
But today I also attracted a
trigger.
When he again got down on me:
"Knowing and defying what you know,
is 'mezid'" [sinning
deliberately]
I started to tell him - with humor - how
I was blamed in a similar way,
also by a Jew, though from the quarter he despises & disdains,
as he said,
by Tina, the "Messianic
Jew", who also condemned
my shocking heresy.
"Stop telling such lengthy stories,
nobody has the patience to listen!"
That triggered me, tears came to my eyes,
and instead of simply breathing
I preached to myself, that I shouldn't have put myself in this
situation etc.
He is a sensitive man and - to appease
me - changed the subject to - sex.
When I conveyed strongly, as in the past, that I wouldn't give
in to his pressure,
he told me about a problem, for which he needed advice from
me, the woman.
Understanding, that my advice could truly help, I opened the
box of my wisdom.
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I'm not allowed to take a photo of my truck-driver.
So on Dec. 18, 2007 - I photographed his back, while he drank coffee
at a gasoline station.
But
having removed the barrier, I did not succeed in putting it
back.
I let myself be dragged into talking about my own experiences,
and this while he kept sharing his sexual arrousal towards me.
To this phenomenon I've been used to through all my hitchhiking
career,
and can handle it easily.
And the lack of wholeness I felt before starting all this finetuning,
was not due to what Asher shared or wanted me to share,
but because of the content of what he drew out of me.
It started with a seemingly ridiculous slander:
"I could easily lay you, today or
another time, for you are weak!"
It was like a lightening!
It connected me to the banale situation with that teacher on
Tuesday:
I had said "Yes", though
I had meant "No".
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I'll take a break and enjoy this beauty:
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After Mika's bath her mother lets her
make different "faces",
"a laughing face", "a sad face","an
angry face",
"a wondering face", "a sleeping face".
I didn't succeed in catching Mika's exact expressions of emotional
states,
but these two images are beautiful nonetheless. |
Finetuning (3) : Hanni
On Tuesday I again replaced Efrat in
Mika's movement&sound activity with Hanni.
For 3 Tuesdays in a row Mika could not attend, and Hanni wasn't
happy with that.
She is a grandmother of four, and perhaps depends on making
money this way:
"In former groups there were always
8-9 kids, so why can't I fill up this one?"
There were only three toddlers including
Mika and my heart went out to Hanni.
But this was only part of my discomfort.
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The
other part had to do
with Mika's non-cooperation.
How must Hanni feel,
if Mika never does,
what she asks her to do?
She may be listening,
she may be enjoying herself,
but if here is no response,
how is this for the teacher?
I have this deep trauma of
"not being received",
and I project it on Hanni
as on everybody else in my presence,
be it a child or a grownup,
a pupil or a teacher. |
[While working on such "nano"
problems,
I'm getting a Skype-call from my son,
from the ski-resort in the Italian Alps:
a renewed terrifying drama with T....
- and with regard to the same situation -
a minute later a phonecall from Efrat,
who took another train with MIka + Nella,
since the intended one was too packed.]
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Since I can't do anything
about the "big" problem,
I go back to finetuning to the nano issue.
4 weeks ago
after having accompanied Mika to Hanni
I said to Efrat:
"though Mika is happy
and shows no signs of being bored,
I believe
she has had enough of these activities.
After all she is constantly stimulated,
by you as well as by the kindergarden."
So this time Imma asked Mika:
"Do you want to go to Hanni?"
Her answer wouldn't have much weight,
if she would have said her habitual "No".
But she said: "Yes".
So what is it she finds there?
I watched her intensely,
her face, her movements, her activities.
Look at these images!
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2013. Watching these photes,
I can't discern Mika's non-cooperation
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There is, indeed, one chance,
which always delights Mika:
watching other children enjoy themselves!
As far as I've experienced small children,
they are quite egocentric,
not sensing, not paying attention
to other children or people around them.
Not so Mika!
During this week we developed a game:
playing football in the corridor
between the four flats of this floor.
Once a boy came out from one of them,
only a little older than her - Lior.
Immediately she did everything
to win him over to play with us,
as if she hadn't been with kids the entire day.
Lior brought a real football,
but only to brag, not to play with us.
His unserious behavior pained me
for the sake of Mika.
But she takes disappointments
with ease.
When Efrat came to fetch us,
and heard about Mika's non-cooperation,
she said: "Why then should
I pay for this?"
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My
question is: Why do I stage a situation, where I feel pain?
I do hope, it was the last time, that I attended Hanni's efforts.
As to Hanni ~ I trust her ability to learn from this experience. |
song
of the day
It would be better to die or not to live
than seeing all those oppressions of humans against humans,
said the biblical Ecclesiastes and sang the German Johannes
Brahms
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whole&full-filled,
never perfect&complete
Keep It
Simple Sweetheart
K.I.S.S.
- L O G 2
0 0 8
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