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2004_10_22
To YOU AS ONE,
SPIRIT~WILL~HEART~BODY
Oh Mother, I had such a wonderful day at the
Dead Sea, in the water of the sea and of my pool,
and also in my cave, though all I did there was cleaning up, what weather,
visitors, thieves and mice had messed up.
And now, see, how depression is taking all the life and all the love out of
me.
Two das later - 2004_10_24:
I couldn't go on,
now not only the laptop battery, but the solar battery have become too weakened
to work during daytime.
I'm tired of al this struggle with the solar system and the computer, Mother.
What does this mean?
I let go of creating on my site already twice, but then again it felt as if
I should go on
using this way of experiencing deeper and learning faster and delighting in
creating.
What is wrong then?
And today, especially, I have all the time in the world,
it's the most beautiful weather and so comfortable and beautiful in my tent,
not too hot, not too cold, not too windy,
though there is heat and cold and wind reminding me of my fear,
my great fear of the days to come, - winter with its storms and rain , even
cloudbursts ahead,
and the tent not ready,
not only because of the
slowness of my partners,
but because of things that prevent them from even being here
and when they are here, we all have to help getting things done on Rakhaf,
like setting up a new and more secure place for the generator, digging in
cables etc.
More troubling today even:
I had this new idea about the Emotion-Body-Training on every Rakhaf weekend
- always those new ideas, which counter the message that i should not initiate,
but flow, not push, but love
I feel so ridiculous and powerless to try again what has been in vain time
and again.
You are smiling at yourself, dear peer,
and we are glad.
This rhyming reminds you, of course, of your only song in English:
| Balanced
I am, flexible and strong, Wanting to be like you was wrong! I yearned to live and laugh among you all and to dance and to sing my song with pain - in vain - for much too long~~ |
I learnt to
be myself, a queen, 1991, in a storm, |
[see
www.empower.co.il/healingkiss>My Life's Harvest>DesertVision>Succah
Diaries>Fourth Fragment
"Narda is right, when she scowls at
you, that you are making a drama out of everything.
Dramas are interesting, stimulating, adrenalin-rich,
but they are not the only way to respond to an outer~ OR~ ! ~ inner experience.
We suggest, that you train to refrain for some time from churning the question:
What does this mean?
And instead focus on feeling, moving, accepting your feelings
and on discovering and releasing the judgments if those should be the cause
of your feelings.
Not to ask: "What does this mean?"
not with concern to the deficiency of the computer and solar system functioning,
and not with concern to the contradiction between "don't do, just be
and resonate your being"
and the idea of the Emotion-Body-Training????
"Sounds like taking away your pet occupation,
hey?
"
But itsn't this question about the meaning of an experience
the way to become "parental" , responsible for it?
There is a time for everything.
And you, in any case, are using the "meaning-question" as a substitute
for "Moving Emotions" and "Releasing Judgments".
This is a very harsh judgment on your part, isn't it?
It is!
If you choose to call it like that!
You could also call it a challenge, a change, a choice.
There is still so much struggle in your days and hours.
Remember "Maryam's
seven Healing Steps",
the popup
which you phrased long ago and came across yesterday.
The "understanding"
or "meaning" will emerge naturally
a f t e r you have followed the first 4 steps,
and not by side-stepping these steps and analyzing intellectually and - worse
- drawing practical conclusions.
2004_10_25 morning
What is it that again bothers me so much,
I want to be able to enjoy every feeling,
not think about changing the situation that causes it,
but I should think of the judgments,
what then is the judgment that causes me to be so afraid,
afraid of doing anything today,
of meeting my partners,
how can I meet them with joy and love
and thus help them to get things done.
I feel I have spoiled everything already with my blaming yesterday.
"You must accept yourself as blaming, as FEELING
victim,
it doesn't help that you judge yourself for it.
It is the judgment, that you must be righteous and "advanced",
which prevents you from fully expressing your anger, your frustration.
It would be good, though, to do the blaming in the desert and not with the
boys."
But it never helps me to shout and stamp,
the anger still wants to be expressed towards those who cause it.
And I am also angry at myself for causing this situation .
What should I do, mother,
no, how can I simply live this anger, this frustration, this blaming wholeheartedly.
"Yes wholeheartely - "with both your impulses"
- to live all you suffer.
As long as you know that it's your reflection what you meet in the outer world,
you are not a victim,
even if you don't know what is reflected, even if you blame others.
We think, that the main thing you want to learn now,
is to accept yourself as blaming, as raging,
as powerless, as paralyzed,
because you made that decision,
that you would not move one step without them.
Helping them – with small steps – to put the puzzle together
and not putting it together yourself.
You put this limitation on yourself,
like you put all those limitations upon yourself
when you stepped on this planet, into your family, into that country. ..
It is fine, that you had the courage to create these limitations
and now just feel, what ever comes along,
even if you cannot release judgments,
even if you blame yourself for blaming others,
just accept this, nothing more, just accept yourself as feeling blame,
and thank Body for being with you every moment. "
Thank you, Mother
2004_10_27
Oh mother, look where I am now, with Tamir at his "Desert
Tent" in the Aravah,
self-evicted from ARARAT, so as to give space to Hagai.
I am not blaming myself
"It is a healthy crisis, believe me.
And the very fact, that there was this possibility
that you withdrew and not he had to run away,
shows the quality of partnership – equal conditions."
But now I don't know how to divide the time and how to utilize the days I'm not there.
"To utilize?
Is it not about simply living and feeling whatever comes along.?
Do you have to make a plan for next Monday, .........
Don't you believe, that by then you'll know what is asked of you?
....
