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Healing Class III Discussion 4

Waking Up
On Moving Fear
Wholeness and Parenting Self

Waking Up

Recently I had a very powerful awakening
to the denied part of myself
that has aligned with unloving light and asuric essence.
I was feeling extremely irritable
and suddenly a furious hating blaming rage
broke the surface and demanded to be expressed.
I allowed these intense emotions free expression
(in my own safe place--underwater)
and pulled on your Love Light
with the intention of moving what felt so unloving
into love by finding acceptance.

In a flash I realized how,
like you have pointed out in the Right Use of Will series,
my denied alignment with unlovingness
and thus my suppressed Will
has been directly responsible for my self destruction
and the destruction of the earth.
And I suddenly understood that this was my response (from long ago)
to feeling rejected and denied by you ~
the part of yourself that I am ~
the will body spirit heart essence
you could not accept as your own at the time.
Is this true from your side too?
What do you have to add here?

"Yes this is what happened, you're remembering well.
However, it is not just one experience you remember.
Reality has many levels,
and so does each experience and memory of pain.
The pain of separation that was forced upon you by my denial
was first experienced by Will.
Then Body was rejected and denied.
Heart was torn apart by both of these rejections,
and then the whole thing was blamed on you
because I judged your Spirit to not be in alignment with me.
And no wonder it wasn't.
At the time I wasn't in alignment with myself.
I wasn't my self, in fact I was Ahriman.
The work of redeeming both Ahriman and Lucifer
and owning up to the deeds of my denied light
is now my task at hand."

I then became aware that
when feeling unwanted and cast out by you
I chose to try to hurt you back -
you, who I really loved and wanted to feel loved by -
by aligning with unlovingness and the asuras
and in a denied state seeking the destruction of your creation,
even if it meant my death as well ~
at the same time hoping that
if I suffered enough
and created enough suffering
THEN you might take pity on me and our state and rescue us.
Wow ~ what a wake up call to my current realities.

"Well, it has worked.
Your 'acting out' in the ways you describe are universal,
shared by every evolutionary will being in Creation.
And I have finally gotten the message.
Just as you are now waking up to
what's been going on inside of you,
I too only recently realized the seriousness of all those denials.
And of course, my intention is
to heal all the pain they have caused
and repair all the damage they have done.
This is why I'm coming to you in the ways I am now.
This is why I'm asking you to awaken even more
and join me in this work, if you wish."

Soon after I felt my heart-break-broken from the beginning,
surging to the surface to heal now
that I am choosing to end my alignment with unlovingness
and unite with you in the center.
I feel so sorry and apologize to all the parts of myself and creation
that I hurt killed raped denied tortured polluted abused
while trying to prove my point.

"And just as you are apologizing to your parts,
I am apologizing to the Mother, Body and Heart,
as well as my own denied spirit as I reclaim it.
Each instance of denial needs to be expressly acknowledged
and each instance of denial deserves a heart-felt and true apology.
This process is now unfolding in you
as we work together on the inside."

It's been a painful and costly lesson ~
and I now forgive myself and choose anew to let love live,
to let the Mother live in your Love within me as Heart in Body.
This has given me a fuller understanding of the importance
of literally redeeming my devils,
the parts of me I've sent out in a denied state to create hell.
Can this fairy tale really have a happy ending?
Can my potent rage really move into the gentleness of loving acceptance? Yes!

On Moving Fear

Thank you for the discussion of Conversations with God.
I would like to make a comment about fear.
After working with the Right Use of Will books for many years,
and learning how to move denied emotions into healing,
I found I still needed more help learning how to move fear.
Because fear and terror are the most deeply denied emotions in most people,
they are also the ones we have invested the most in keeping that way.
I found in my process
it sometimes became necessary
to move myself into action
that triggered fear in me in order to get it moving.

In most cases I found
that small movements towards freeing my Will,
or towards obtaining my heart's desire
would invariably trigger fear
as these were also movements towards
what in the past had caused me reversals.
Because those reversals had caused me much pain,
this was also an opportunity to move other feelings
that were attached to the denied fear,
and I have been able to find tremendous healing for emotions
such as grief and heartbreak
by working with fear in this way.

I believe this is what God is referring to
when He speaks of taking the "leap."
Because fear has such a paralyzing effect,
at some point in the healing process,
I believe it becomes necessary to "act"
despite fear's insistence
that such action will create more problems,
and in the process,
fear is able to move out,
and true freedom is able to be experienced.

The courage to take this leap
is reinforced by the experience of more freedom and expansion,
and the next "leap" becomes easier.
The more one is able to move in ways that trigger fear,
the more fear one is able to move into healing.
Otherwise, fear can sometimes stop all movement,
and healing ceases.

The action need not be large or dramatic in any way,
but even the tiniest step toward what triggers fear,
including just opening to the possibility
that a more pleasant reality exists
other than the one currently being experienced.
In the section on acceptance in the first Right Use of Will book
God states on page 61 something like,
when one is feeling trapped with no way out,
moving the terror
that a way out doesn't exist
creates the opening for one to be manifested.

In my experience,
until I actually move towards that which creates fear in me,
it is not possible for me to move the fear that is being triggered,
or even contact the deeper feelings of fear
that need to surface in order to be healed.
An example of this might be something as simple as
writing a resume in order to look for a new job.
A past reversal might have looked like
leaving the security of a well paying position
that was painfully compressing my will
for the freedom to do what felt better to me,
only to experience losing
everything I had worked for until that point and winding up with nothing.

Depending on how traumatic the circumstances were surrounding that experience,
attempting the same thing again
after finding myself once again immersed in a job
that was killing my will
would feel like the worst thing I could do,
and staying miserable might feel preferable
to those parts of me holding the terror of repeating the original reversal.

Even thinking about leaving the security of the present job
would trigger fear,
and actually writing the resume and sending it out
might feel overwhelmingly terrifying,
but the act of doing it
would help the fear move,
and with a lessening of fear,
the ability to change my circumstances
in a way that would be in alignment with my need for security could be achieved.

The wall of terror around most large changes in life
is in reality an illusion based on pictures of the past,
and has nothing really to do
with what is real or possible in present time,
but because of the huge charge it holds,
it fools us into thinking
it is an actual barrier keeping us from our dreams.
The ability to follow desire
even when extreme fear is triggered in us
is a very effective way to get this fear moving out quickly
and help it transform
into the exuberance and excitement of realizing our dreams.

The fear I am addressing here
is the fear that holds us back from freeing our will,
not the fear that a vibrating will expresses
when real danger is encountered.
However, certain old fears when triggered
can be experienced as immediate threats to life and limb,
and help from God and one's own spirit is essential
when discerning how far to take any expression of fear,
when healing is the desired result,
as healing light is necessary to the equation.
An important thing to remember
in continuing to act although deeply afraid is
that small steps are best,
and very effective in helping to move deeply denied fear and terror.
We need not jump off a cliff to trigger terror,
or do anything to harm self or another.

We need only keep moving,
gently and slowly toward the goal of freeing the will of all denial,
especially when fear rises up in an attempt to stop it.
If you refuse to stop, the fear will move,
and the pain of its leaving will be nothing
in comparison to the freedom of living without it.

"You have said it very well,
and thank you for demonstrating how you work with fear.
The wall of terror you mentioned
is not only a human phenomenon,
but also something that each part of Deity experiences in relation to the others.
The Mother holds most of our collective fear,
and as you indicate,
she is receiving from Spirit more and more acceptance for herself
and for what she is holding.
And when you do this work in your own process, you do it for us all."

Wholeness and Parenting Self
[mentioned but not quoted in pp12)

Coach, I am so grateful to myself
for having manifested my conscious connection to you
and the awesome support of this site, its creators and contributors.
I am blessed by the power of Desire!
I desire this connection support and healing work.
Love provides, Body manifests, Heart is born anew.
I breathe you into me
and out into my world activities and relationships.

It's a choice I make again and again,
just like before when I chose unloving light instead
and lived by its dictates.
It is Amazing Grace for me each time I choose True Love
and consciously draw it into me
in the places ready to express release and receive.
Instantaneous healing!
Even when the most upsetting feelings move in me,
my healing intention to use this grace
has always helped me through
and out into greater understanding and emotional wellbeing.

I feel my ancient desire to be a Deity Peer,
to be a divine self-creative
and self accepting
whole within the Whole,
is gradually being fulfilled.
I experience all four parts of my being-spirit will heart body-
fragmented and not wholly aligned, yes,
but with the guidance of this healing class
and the running energy/channeling exercises,
I feel to be moving more completely
into the Center of Grace with you and Grandfather.

At moments I experience myself subtly
as a star of golden light circulating within and through my chakras,
flowing out and around and back on myself
like a recirculating waterfall in infinite directions.
I feel more whole and self contained these days,
in a way that is at moments lonely
and at moments freeingly delightful.
Even sexual intimacy,
which before redeeming I mostly looked outside of myself for,
especially in the form of mother's heart,
has become a more fully rich inner experience of my own spirit-desire dance.
A new abundance fills me and I trust more that all I want is already here for me.

This is all fairly new to me,
reclaiming my parental part
and working with a healing intention
to reclaim my creative powers
and unite my self-fragmented essences.
I feel like an infant parent,
taking courageous yet baby steps
along this new road to wholeness,
sensing along the way the gapped spaces within still unhealed
and the invisible strings
connecting me to long denied lost pieces of myself.

"Self-parenting is a very easy way
of understanding the healing work
from the perspective of Spirit.
The Mother also understands parenting
because of course she is the parental part of Will.
However, there are still many fragments of the Mother
who are 'lost' and want to come back into wholeness with her.

"A big problem in this has been the loving Light
that should be there to help in that process
has often not been available.
Too many of my denied fragments
are still intent on using and abusing the Will.
Redeeming the devils, as you mention,
is the work of Spirit that is needed now
in supporting the Mother in collecting her lost parts."

It's all right here right now, within and around me,
as you have pointed out,
all I need heal and all I need to heal.
I am the host.
And although often scared in letting go of old habits
and driving backwards though the jungles of my past,
I also feel happy and great choosing to help Deity heal creation,
being a bridge where you and the Mother can unite,
choosing to heal myself. It is what I live for now.

Recently, when I was going for a jog, I had a flash-insight.
Although I was moving forward, I felt myself to be stationary,
as if on a treadmill
and it seemed like I was pulling the environment and experience towards me with each step.
I thought, "Oh, this is what life is,
my full being both conscious and unconscious,
creating over and over again my experiences.
And just like on a treadmill,
I am in one place and pulling towards me
all the frozen patterns and habits of my past until,
by driving backwards and facing this directly,
I learn how and why these patterns are in place
and choose to change them."

On my treadmill,
I struggle daily with my battles of life against death,
feeling with fuller understanding
the death desiring asuric essence that assails
and is held within large parts of my magnetism.
I feel and know the deep hopelessness,
terror and heartbreak grief of Will,
as well as the rage that feels no love,
which I feel mostly concentrated
in my upper chest and neck and head
where I've withheld so much real feeling expression.
And I know what it is to identify with asuric heartlessness,
to be my own perpetrator and inflict misery upon myself,
especially now that I am choosing to let this lovelessness go
and claim my true self with you in the Center.

And here, in my center,
connected to the stream of Grandfather's Grace,
I know the power and goodness that enables me
to redeem my denied spirit,
to release my self judgments,
and to allow my feeling-desire-mother-will essence to move
when ready
into the true healing of acceptance.
As I said before, I feel Blessed.
And I understand now that we all need heal,
all parts of me,
all of creation,
and the healing won't be complete
until all of us are home and whole within love.

I have no pressing question now,
I simply desired to share this little-big slice of my journey
in hopes that others might feel supported and encouraged as I have been by them.
Please comment if and where you would offer insight.
As someone else has said, blessed be us all.

"Thank you for your story and your comments.
I would add
that the part of your perspective and your process
that you share here
is based in the part of you that identifies with Spirit.
You have aligned with me here, thank you.
In the next lesson of the healing class
we will discuss self-parenting in detail
and explore ways you may exercise even more of these skills
as you align even more with the parts of your human self
that identify with the Mother and with Body.
And the final lesson in self-parenting
will be learned
when New Heart, Mature Heart, Real Heart
has grown strong enough to lead us all to wholeness ~
your wholeness as Human Deity,
and the wholeness of Creation, each reflecting the other."